According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
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01:00♪
01:13Good morning.
01:14Jesus Christ!
01:15What are you doing sitting on the toilet in the dark?
01:18Well, it starts with A and ends with poo.
01:22I mean, why haven't you got the light on?
01:24It may come as a surprise to you, Brandy,
01:26but even I can find my bottom in the dark.
01:29You just don't expect somebody to be creeping round
01:31at five o'clock in the morning?
01:32It's actually 6.20, and I can assure you
01:34I haven't done an awful lot of creeping.
01:37Personally, I find when having a poo,
01:39being stationary is almost certainly the best option.
01:43I'm just going to brush my teeth.
01:44Please don't let me stop you.
01:49HE SNIFFS
01:55Well, aren't you going to ask me where I've been?
01:57Brandy, in the bar last night you declared
01:59that you didn't intend to be short of male company that evening.
02:02You then stayed out all night,
02:04and have returned seven hours later,
02:08looking like a scarecrow and smelling like an alley cat.
02:11But we were on this holiday together only as friends, nothing more.
02:15Perhaps not even that now.
02:16So, no, I don't want to know where you've been,
02:19because I really don't care.
02:21You think you're so much better than me, don't you?
02:24Not at all. My marriage has been a failure.
02:26I'm 32, living on my own,
02:29and reduced to taking a holiday in a place I swore I would never return to,
02:33simply because it was free.
02:35But aside from all this, I still have one remaining attribute
02:38which I obviously value significantly more than you.
02:42Oh, yeah? What's that?
02:44My dignity.
02:48Excuse me.
03:03I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry.
03:07We had the conversation about you being gay,
03:11and you said you were ready to come out.
03:14I'm sure that's how it happened.
03:17But I obviously got it wrong, and I'm so sorry.
03:22You haven't said a word to me all morning, son.
03:26We can't carry on the rest of our holiday like this.
03:36Jeff!
03:41Can you please tell us what this is all about?
03:44Are we going on a boat, Mel?
03:46All will be revealed.
03:48We're going on a boat!
03:50I bet we're going on a boat!
03:52I get seasick if Mel fills the bath too full.
03:55That's all we need, old queasy chops throwing up all over the place.
03:58She's not joking.
03:59Remember that time you booked a go to Ireland on the ferry?
04:02She was sick four times,
04:03and that was just in the travel agents thinking about it.
04:06Look, there's some fishermen over there.
04:08We'll go on a boat,
04:09and you can stay here and play with their flies.
04:12I should never have had that liver with my bacon this morning.
04:15Onward!
04:21Come on, love, we're going on a boat.
04:33I bet your mum's going to spew.
04:44Is it true? Is it true?
04:46Stop doing that.
04:49Good morning.
04:50Hola.
04:51Oh, hello.
04:52Great night last night. Really enjoyed it.
04:55Oh, yes.
04:56We wondered if either of you wanted to come up to the old town with us.
05:02We're all right here, thank you.
05:05Well, we were more thinking of Jeff.
05:08There's a great gay scene in the old town.
05:11No.
05:12You see, I made a bit of a mistake last night, and...
05:16It was a fabulous chubby chaser night at the Manhole Fun Pub.
05:22Oh, we know you've lost some weight, but they're very accommodating.
05:28The whole information, I am off into the old town tonight.
05:32And the reason I'm going is, I've got a date.
05:35But before you ask, it's not with a man, it's with a woman.
05:39Because for the last time, I am NOT gay!
05:49Oh, dear.
05:51Well, I'm no Clement Freud,
05:54but it sounds to me as though he's still a little bit in denial.
06:03Morning, Jeff.
06:05Here she is, the belle of the ball.
06:07You disappeared quick last night.
06:09Don't tell us.
06:10You were in a hot, sweaty, gay club till the end of the night.
06:14I'm not gay.
06:15I'm not gay.
06:16I'm not gay.
06:17I'm not gay.
06:18You were in a hot, sweaty, gay club till the early hours.
06:22Top off, punching the air to Kelly Marie with your new-found gay brethren.
06:27Then one last rousing chorus of I Am What I Am
06:30tottering home along the Levante beach,
06:32reeking of baby sham and poppers.
06:35No, he's more subtle than that.
06:38I think he went back to his apartment,
06:40threw on a little black off-the-shoulder number
06:42and spent the night miming to Martine McCutcheon's This Is My Moment
06:45into a hairbrush in the mirror.
06:47Look, I am not gay.
06:50We know you're not.
06:51I don't know why my mother thought...
06:53You what?
06:54Course we know you're not gay.
06:56It was a laugh, though, wasn't it?
06:58My mother telling the whole of Neptunes I was gay
07:00and then singing YMCA to me,
07:02while you lot dance around her dressed as the village people.
07:05Funny bloody sense of humour.
07:09Stupid breeder.
07:11I can't believe he didn't know we were pulling his leg.
07:14Pull her? I thought they were going to lift her.
07:16She's not in form today.
07:18Hiya.
07:19Have you got that extra key I gave you for your apartment last night?
07:23Yes.
07:24Can I have it back?
07:25Can't I keep it?
07:26Why? Planning on locking yourself out again tonight?
07:34Can I help you?
07:36Is it not working out with your new girlfriend?
07:38I'm sorry, but I fail to see what business that is of yours.
07:41All right, don't get your knickers in a twist.
07:44Bloody somebody didn't get any last night.
07:50Martin?
07:52I think we need to talk.
08:08Oh, it's no good, Mel.
08:10You're going to have to tell them to turn back.
08:12Tell them to turn back? We're nearly there.
08:14Look, Peacock Island.
08:16Ma'am, Coolio's gone green.
08:18We've all gone green.
08:20What the bloody hell are we going to this Peacock Island for anyway?
08:23Eh? What have they got there that we haven't got at the apartments?
08:26They haven't got anything there.
08:28Yeah, what?
08:29All they've got in the oldie island's one restaurant.
08:31Well, then what the flick are we going there for?
08:34Ma'am, my nan has been sick again.
08:37Believe me, it's the business opportunity of a lifetime.
08:43Are you all right, Princess?
08:45I told you I was no good on boats.
08:47If I've seen that liver I've put me breakfast once,
08:49I've seen it three times now.
08:51Oh, brother!
08:53Oh!
09:02Fourth time lucky.
09:06Sorry, Mel.
09:12Hiya, Leslie.
09:14Erm, it's Jeff from the, er, Internet chat mum thing.
09:19I know we were going to meet tonight,
09:21but, well, I wondered if you was free today?
09:25We could get a bit of lunch?
09:28Erm, obviously, if you're busy, you know,
09:31I'll just see you tonight.
09:34I'll see you tonight.
09:36I'll see you tonight.
09:38I'll see you tonight.
09:40I'll just see you tonight, but, erm...
09:45No, no, you're probably busy.
09:47I'm busy. Got quite a lot on.
09:50You know, erm, admin shit and stuff.
09:54Erm...
09:56Shit!
09:58Shit, I don't believe it! You sounded like a right dickhead!
10:11Hi, I'm Jeff.
10:15Hi, Jeff.
10:17You must be Leslie.
10:19What? Oh, this hat?
10:21It's just something I picked up in Capri.
10:24Oh, you've never been?
10:26Oh, we must go sometime.
10:29To the Euro? You what?
10:31Oh! Right.
10:33No, you're all right. Thanks.
10:40Come on!
10:58Gracias, senor.
11:11Oh!
11:17Danny, Popeye's talking to you. Do you know where we're going?
11:20I don't know where we're going, do I?
11:22What's the idea of going to the top?
11:24Come on, Matt, we're getting down down this way.
11:30It's like an Alfred Hitchcock film, isn't it?
11:34Oh!
11:39WHISTLE BLOWS
11:44WHISTLE BLOWS
12:03I can't believe we've come all the way here for this.
12:07Believe me, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
12:09Oh, I need a drink.
12:11All I can taste is liver and hot chocolate.
12:13Ooh, nice!
12:15Come on, Mal, let's get some dinner.
12:17Tell! Come on, get Michael, hurry up, your nana needs a drink.
12:24What can you see?
12:26Um...not a lot.
12:29Exactly.
12:31This is the only undeveloped part of Benidorm.
12:35What, you want to build a shop here?
12:37Not a shop. An empire.
12:40Restaurants, cafes, an aqua park,
12:43maybe a hotel.
12:45Sort of Mel's mobility shop.
12:48What about Mel's Island?
12:51Oh, thank God for that.
12:53For a minute there, I thought you were going to say something completely ridiculous.
13:04MUSIC PLAYS
13:34MUSIC CONTINUES
13:37MUSIC CONTINUES
14:02Julio, Julio, Julio.
14:05King of the Latin lovers.
14:07What have you got that I haven't got?
14:10How do you do it?
14:12I mean, I know you've got the looks, the money, the fame.
14:17Oh, yeah, that's how you do it.
14:22All I need is an ounce of what you've got, that's all.
14:28I just need a little bit of you inside me.
14:31HE CLEARS THROAT
14:39Hiya.
14:43That sounded bad, didn't it?
14:47MUSIC CONTINUES
15:00Is that all you're giving me?
15:02You want me to give you more?
15:04Yeah. I asked for a large one.
15:09A very large one.
15:12You sure you're going to take it?
15:15Try me.
15:18Yeah?
15:20Yeah. Any time.
15:37Madre mía.
15:46The problem is, Brandy,
15:48I'm finding our time together on this holiday very confusing.
15:51You're constantly blowing hot and cold.
15:53Who are they?
15:55No, I mean I'm getting mixed messages from you.
15:57We arrive here as friends,
15:59then you're coming on to me very strong,
16:01then you're staying out all night.
16:03Martin, have you any idea the last time I had sex?
16:06I don't know. What time is it now?
16:08I last had sex in 2006.
16:10Well, good for you. I'm glad to hear that somebody's getting...
16:13I beg your pardon?
16:15This is all a front.
16:17I've been doing and saying stupid things because...
16:20well, I like you.
16:22And I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt.
16:25So where did you stay last night?
16:27I slept on a sofa in reception.
16:29Really?
16:31Yeah.
16:33Didn't want to come back after all the hurtful things you said to me.
16:36Well, I was a little bit drunk.
16:39A bit drunk? You were arse-old.
16:41Anyway...
16:43I just think if we can start being honest with each other,
16:46that this could be the start of something big.
16:49Really? Mm-hm.
16:51Well, I'll drink to that.
16:59Jesus Christ! What did you put in there?
17:01Sorry. That must be mine.
17:03Mm-hm.
17:12Can't work them two out.
17:15What's to work out?
17:17She's a filthy freeloading slapper
17:19taking advantage of a wet, spineless mother's boy.
17:22I mean, I know his wife seemed a bit of a misery,
17:25but I can't see what he sees in her.
17:27I believe they're called breasts.
17:29Yeah.
17:42Why have we come all the way here for our dinner?
17:46Don't be ungrateful. It's a nice day out.
17:48Nice day out? I thought my guts were going to turn inside out on that boat.
17:52Yeah. Funny you seemed to recover
17:54just as you were offered a plate of steak and kidney pudding.
17:57Dad, where's Mel?
17:59Mel? Oh, you mean Donald Trump?
18:02He's over there.
18:04Oh, I see.
18:06Well, I'm sure he'll be all right.
18:08Mel? Oh, you mean Donald Trump?
18:11He's over there, looking for the sail of the century.
18:14Hola.
18:16Hola.
18:18Smoke?
18:20Oh. Gracias, senor.
18:28Excuse me, senor. I was wondering if I could pick your brains.
18:31Brains?
18:33Do you know where the island belongs to?
18:35Sí. Who?
18:37This island.
18:39No, I need to know who the island belongs to.
18:41Lentamente, por favor, senor.
18:44Slowly.
18:46Me?
18:48Build shops, mall restaurants, maybe hotel here?
18:53Build? Aquí? Here?
18:56Yes, here.
18:58Eso no posible.
19:00But why is no posible?
19:03Who does the island belong to?
19:05The island, it belong to the Doves.
19:09The Doves? Sí.
19:11Who is the Doves?
19:13You want permission to build?
19:19Yes.
19:20Eso no posible.
19:22Yes, I understand, but who is the Doves, the boss, the owner?
19:26Peacock Island belong to the Doves.
19:30Right, I see.
19:33It's not what you know, it's who you know.
19:36Sí.
19:38Oh, could I have one of my cigarettes?
19:42Lo siento, senor.
19:44No hablo inglés fluidamente, pero es suficiente para el trabajo, ¿no?
19:50Yeah, I thought you'd say that.
19:57Not bad that is, it goes.
19:59Passes the menu, are there any puddings?
20:01Right, have you lot finished? The next boat goes back in five minutes.
20:04Mel, me dad said you did a trump.
20:07You what?
20:08I said he was Donald Trump, you silly bugger.
20:11Very funny.
20:12Right, come on, let's be having you. I've got to get back to Benidorm.
20:15I need to see a man about an island.
20:18More pudding!
20:22What do you want included?
20:25Oh, mate, look!
20:27No.
20:29Hey, look.
20:31Oi, look.
20:33Hey.
20:35That looks sick, doesn't it?
20:36Yeah.
20:38Hiya, Leslie, it's Geoff.
20:41I'm not sure what happened to you at the auditorium.
20:45I waited a couple of hours,
20:47but you may have been held up in traffic or something.
20:52I've sort of wandered into the old town
20:54where we were originally going to meet tonight,
20:57so I might just stay here.
21:00You know, we were meeting at eight o'clock
21:04and it's already half two now,
21:07so let me know if you get here early.
21:11For tonight, I mean.
21:13It's Geoff, by the way. I don't know if I said that at the start.
21:17It's Geoff, by the way. I don't know if I said that at the start.
21:21Geoff?
21:23Geoff! Great to see you.
21:25Hello.
21:27Hiya. You all right?
21:29I thought you weren't meant to be here until tonight.
21:31Yeah, I thought, you know,
21:33I'd stretch me legs for five or six holes first.
21:36Oh, smashing.
21:38You could come with us.
21:40We're off to the Rich Bitch.
21:42It's a fabulous drag bar just round the corner.
21:46Yeah, you know, men dressed as women.
21:49Yes, we've never been into the tranny scene much,
21:52but a friend of ours, Big Donna from our swingers' association,
21:55she put us in touch.
21:57It is invitation only this afternoon,
21:59but I'm sure they could squeeze you in somewhere.
22:06Maybe catch you later.
22:26One beer, please.
22:46Two beers, please, darling.
22:50Oh, hello, Appa.
22:52Mine's a large one, if you'll buy in.
23:08What are we talking about?
23:10Who?
23:12My dad and Mel.
23:14Business.
23:15Will you keep your nose out?
23:16We don't want you meddling in Mel's affairs.
23:18Oh, Mel having an affair?
23:20Business affairs. You know what I mean.
23:22Well, he does have a history of shagging around.
23:26What about that woman he had a fling with last year?
23:28The one in the wheelchair?
23:30Don't be disgusting. You know that was a misunderstanding.
23:33Does Mel only fancy women in wheelchairs?
23:35Apparently, once you get your metal wings,
23:37there's no turning back.
23:39What is she talking about?
23:41I have no idea.
23:42Well, then tell her to shut up.
23:44Tell? Shut up.
23:46You're too forward, you are.
23:48Better than being backward like you.
23:50There's no wonder you're not married.
23:52I don't want to get married.
23:53Just as well. Nobody would have you.
23:55Mother, can we leave it, please?
24:05You've got no role models. That's your problem.
24:08We had people like Vera Lynn and Doris Day to look up to.
24:11Who have they got these days?
24:13Amy Whitehouse and celebrities on TV reality shows,
24:17fiddling with pigs.
24:19Mother, what have I just said?
24:21For God's sake.
24:23Yeah, shut up.
24:24Oh, you shut up.
24:31Janice, tell her she's putting her finger up at me.
24:34No, I'm not.
24:35Right, that's it. I've had enough.
24:42BIRDS CHIRP
24:45What's wrong with her?
24:46I don't know.
24:53It's not just my mum that doesn't understand me.
24:56I know you won't believe this, but I haven't got many friends, so...
25:01Well, I have got one mate who I drink with.
25:04He's called Eric.
25:06I think he must have been in his 80s.
25:08He's a warrior, though, but he doesn't like to talk about it.
25:12He's there every night at the pub.
25:16We have a few pints, I tell him all my troubles.
25:20He doesn't often say much back to me,
25:22but, you know, he's from a different generation.
25:27I sometimes think, if me aunt lost his legs at Dunkirk,
25:31would he just get up and walk away from me?
25:35Well, I don't suppose I'll ever know.
25:38Another beer?
25:39No, no. I'd best go.
25:42Clear me head.
25:43Like, I've got a blind date tonight.
25:45Well, not completely blind.
25:47I mean, we've texted each other.
25:51Anyway, you text her.
25:55And don't forget, never give up hope.
26:00Who knows, the right girl might just come along for you.
26:03Thanks.
26:07No problem.
26:09Oh, hello. Just come down from your parachute.
26:21Dinner.
26:24Hiya.
26:27Hola.
26:28I wondered if you can do me a favour.
26:30Anything.
26:31I've got a friend staying here,
26:33and I want to leave her something in the room as a surprise.
26:36Is there any way I can get into her room without asking for her key?
26:39If you give the present to me, I can deliver for you.
26:42I have a passkey that fits all the rooms.
26:44Yeah? I thought you might have.
26:46What if you give me the passkey? Then I can do it myself.
26:50It's not possible.
26:52What about if I meet you later on and we do it together?
26:57Do you want to do it with me?
27:00Oh, yeah. I want to do it with you.
27:05What about your boyfriend?
27:12I don't think he'd be afford it. He's a bit straight, like that.
27:16Oh. I mean, what if he finds out we did it together?
27:23Well, we'll just have to make sure he doesn't, won't we?
27:31Right.
27:39So what you're saying is, if you find this fella who owns the island...
27:42Dovez.
27:43..you think you can convince him to let you build on it?
27:46Exactly. The only problem is where to start looking.
27:49I've met a few inquiries, but the place is full of bloody tourists.
27:53Yeah. Funny, that, isn't it?
27:55Excuse me. Yes, love?
27:57That barman who serves beer ideas, do you know where he's from?
28:00Er, I think he's Spanish.
28:02You know what? The tan, the dark hair, the Spanish accent.
28:06I think she might be on to something there.
28:08I meant where in Spain?
28:10I haven't got a clue. Why don't you ask him yourself?
28:14Mateo!
28:15Right. I think I see my gorgeous wife over there having a beer on her own.
28:19So I'll leave you three to your mensa meeting.
28:22Can I help you, boss?
28:24I need to find a man.
28:26A man?
28:27Yeah. A local man.
28:34There are a few gay bars in the old town.
28:36Could take you maybe later in the week?
28:38Not that sort of man. I'm looking...
28:44I'm looking for a local businessman.
28:46Goes by the name of the Dovez.
28:49The Dovez?
28:52No.
28:53Never heard of this man.
28:55Are you sure?
28:57You don't know anyone connected with land or property in Benidorm?
29:00Goes by that name.
29:01Sorry, boss.
29:02All right.
29:04Well, ask around for me.
29:08A few euros in it for you if you find him.
29:12Sure thing, boss.
29:16Boss?
29:17Boss!
29:22Boss!
29:24I think I know who you mean.
29:25Antonio Dovez.
29:26He's a powerful man.
29:27Much property and land in Benidorm.
29:29Oh, now. We're getting somewhere.
29:31So, where will I find him?
29:33You say there would be a few euros for me?
29:36Yeah, well, I'll stand you a couple of drinks.
29:38You're offering to buy me a couple of drinks in an all-inclusive resort?
29:42All right. Twenty euros.
29:44Where can I find Antonio Dovez?
29:46Twenty euros?
29:48My memory's not so good.
29:50Fifty euros.
29:51A hundred euros.
29:52Piss off.
29:53Okay?
29:54Hang on, hang on. Come back here.
29:57All right, a hundred euros.
29:59For that price, I want you to take me directly to him.
30:01For a hundred euros, I will bring him to you.
30:04Tonight, nine o'clock in Neptune's.
30:06Nine o'clock in Neptune's.
30:07Hey, hey, hey.
30:08The hundred euros.
30:10When I see the Dovez, you see the hundred euros.
30:13Done.
30:14Yeah, and I've been.
30:23DOORBELL RINGS
30:26Hey.
30:27Hey.
30:28What?
30:29Hey.
30:30What?
30:31Sorry.
30:33Sammy must have fallen asleep.
30:46Shit.
30:47Excuse me whilst you play.
30:49Plaza del Castel.
30:51Plaza del Castel, a la derecha.
30:54Cheers.
31:17Good evening, sir.
31:18May I help you?
31:21Hiya.
31:22I'm sorry.
31:23I'm supposed to meet someone here.
31:25Name?
31:26The Oracle.
31:27I mean, Jack.
31:28I mean, I mean...
31:30Leslie.
31:32Is this a group booking?
31:34Leslie, it'll be under the name Leslie.
31:37Two people.
31:39This way, please, sir.
31:52A drink while you wait, sir?
31:54A pint of lager, please.
31:56Of course, sir.
32:07Come on, Jeff.
32:09Don't mess this one up.
32:11You never know what she could be.
32:13Go on.
32:19Hello.
32:20You must be Jeff.
32:27I'm Leslie.
32:37Yeah, sorry about earlier on, but I had a flat tyre.
32:41I do my own service and I'd forgotten to grease my wheel nuts.
32:46So I've been on my hands and knees all afternoon.
32:51Nice here, mate, isn't it?
32:53Lovely.
32:55Yeah, when I first came to bed at home,
32:57I thought it was all English breakfast and karaoke,
32:59but you'd be surprised.
33:01I haven't been.
33:03Now then, before we go any further,
33:06there's something I want to tell you, Jeff.
33:08OK.
33:09We chatted online a lot yesterday,
33:11and, well, there was one thing I wasn't completely truthful about.
33:15Really?
33:16Yeah.
33:17I want to get it out of the way now.
33:19I mean, we don't want an elephant in the room, so to speak.
33:22No, we won't want that.
33:24No.
33:25But I've got a sneaking suspicion you know what I'm going to say.
33:28Right, it crossed me mind.
33:30Jeff.
33:34I'm not 35.
33:36Really?
33:37No.
33:38I wasn't 100% honest with you on that score.
33:41Right.
33:42I mean, I've been nervous about telling you that,
33:44but, well, you haven't done a runner yet.
33:46I can't move.
33:47Well, I must say, that's a weight off my shoulders.
33:50Me and you, and say not, I may be in me 40s, but I'm not dead yet.
33:54As me old grandma said as we were trying to zip up the body bag.
33:57HE LAUGHS
34:02Do you know, I don't know what it is,
34:04but I feel very relaxed with you, Jeff.
34:07Some men give me the creeps, you know what I mean?
34:10Absolutely.
34:11But with you, well...
34:13I just feel I can let me hair down.
34:18You any good at massage?
34:20No.
34:21Oh, I did a course just a couple of years back.
34:23Are you familiar with Shiatsu?
34:26I've just done one.
34:28Well, it's a finger pressure massage technique
34:31that releases toxins from the body.
34:33I know that sounds a bit technical, but at the end of the day,
34:37all it involves is one person lying face down on the bed
34:40while the other one gives them a good poke.
34:44You think you'll be up for that?
34:47Sir.
34:51Mademoiselle.
34:53Champion.
34:55Now, I usually have two starters here, cos they're only small.
35:02MUSIC PLAYS
35:11MUSIC CONTINUES
35:28You're not hungry, ma'am?
35:30I can't believe it.
35:32What?
35:33Tom Jones!
35:35Oh, aye, he's good, isn't he?
35:37MUSIC CONTINUES
35:41Does it seem to have aged?
35:44She has got to be joking.
35:46Ma'am, you do know that's not Tom Jones, don't you?
35:49What do you mean, it's not Tom Jones?
35:52Well, what she means is, it's not Tom Jones!
35:55No need to shout.
35:57Ma'am, that's the fella that was on last night.
36:00Do you remember, when Mick asked him to sing a song for me?
36:04I don't believe they could afford Tom Jones in a place like this, would you?
36:09I think she's on crack.
36:12MUSIC CONTINUES
36:16APPLAUSE
36:18Yes! Yes! Yes!
36:25Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
36:27It's a great pleasure to be here at Neptune's.
36:29Here's another classic from the man himself,
36:31The Green Green Grass of Home.
36:33APPLAUSE
36:40MUSIC CONTINUES
36:46Not Tom Jones.
36:48I suppose the fact that he's got a Welsh accent is just a coincidence as well.
36:55SHE LAUGHS
36:57It's Will Smith!
37:00What have you got changed for? I thought you'd gone to the bar.
37:03Where's Tommy Lee Jones? He's not been eaten by an alien, has he?
37:06I've got a very important business meeting.
37:08Haven't seen that greasy barman, have you?
37:11Can you narrow it down a bit?
37:15You all right, mate?
37:22It's not up. It might never happen.
37:34Yeah!
37:37Oh, shit! Not yet!
37:39No, no, no, no!
37:41I mean, I have to go.
37:44What do you think you're doing?
37:46I'm sorry. I have an important meeting.
37:48At this time?
37:50What about me?
37:52Maybe we can finish this another time, eh?
37:54Fat chance.
37:58What's wrong?
38:00I lost my passkey.
38:02If you find it, can you bring it to me tomorrow?
38:05Yeah, of course.
38:07OK.
38:09Close the door on your way out.
38:11You're very hot.
38:36What's your meat like?
38:38I beg your pardon?
38:40Your steak?
38:42Oh, yeah.
38:44It's all right.
38:46You did right good for well done.
38:48As for it rare, pull the horns out, wipe it's arse over here.
38:51HE LAUGHS
38:56So, how long you been married, then?
38:58Married?
39:00Ah-ha! I'm just testing you.
39:02I do attract a lot of married men for some reason.
39:04Really?
39:06I mean, really?
39:08Oh, yeah. Don't know what it is. I like moths to a flame, man.
39:11I suppose I do have a certain unattainable quality.
39:14Oh, that's good to know.
39:17So, how long you been single?
39:21Well, I'm on a kind of break from somebody,
39:24but I think they want to get back with me.
39:27Quite a lot.
39:29But you're not interested?
39:31Well... You've moved on?
39:33Not really.
39:35Or else why would you be here?
39:37Oh, yeah.
39:39Yeah, I've been single for a while now.
39:41Been living on my own for nearly a year.
39:43Right.
39:45It's funny, but when I'm single, I don't really miss the sex.
39:47Do you?
39:49Definitely not.
39:51Not interested in it at all.
39:53No. There's lots of other things in life, aren't there?
39:56Loads. Loads of them.
39:58Loads of... other... things.
40:01I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had some fantastic whale sex over the years,
40:05but you know the one thing I'm missing?
40:08No.
40:10The crack.
40:12You know, a bit of banter with somebody at the end of the day.
40:15I've got a small chihuahua, but it's hardly the same, is it?
40:19Hi, Jeff.
40:21Lovely night.
40:29Friends of yours?
40:31I need to go to the toilet.
40:33Yeah, you look a bit piggy.
40:35I'll see you in a minute.
40:48The night crawls cold
40:51My sense for gold
40:53Is leading nowhere
40:59Where have you been?
41:01I told you. I went to the toilet.
41:03That was nearly an hour ago.
41:05Martin.
41:06What?
41:07I think I'm in love.
41:09In love?
41:10Yeah.
41:11Who with?
41:12Who do you think?
41:14To survive
41:16Just until tomorrow
41:22I'm at peace
41:24On earth
41:26I know what I feel
41:31Who is decided by birth
41:37So what's the future?
41:42I know that I must go there
41:49And it's because I know
41:54That you will be there
41:58So, you're the man they call the Dobles?
42:02No.
42:03You are?
42:04My name is Antonio Doble.
42:06What can I do for you?
42:07Right.
42:08But you have a lot of interest in property, land and the like?
42:11I call on the sister hotel to the Solana.
42:13I have a number of villas in and around Benidorm
42:16and some land in Calle Felicidad.
42:18I was told you are a businessman, Sr. Javi.
42:21I do not used to be one, but I'm a very busy man.
42:24Peacock Island.
42:26What about it?
42:28I'm in there today.
42:30What do you want, a round of applause?
42:32No, I mean I want to build on Peacock Island.
42:34You can't.
42:35That's right, because you own it.
42:37No.
42:38You are?
42:39No, I do not own Peacock Island.
42:41But I was told you did.
42:43Well, then you were misinformed.
42:44Hang on a minute, let me get this right.
42:46Your name is Doves and you don't own Peacock Island?
42:49Correct.
42:50So who does own it?
42:51Nobody owns it.
42:52It is a nature reserve.
42:54A man on the island told me it was owned by the Doves.
42:58I can assure you, Sr. Javi, he was not referring to me.
43:02That just doesn't make sense.
43:04For heaven's sake, Peacock Island is protected.
43:07You cannot build there because it will disturb the wildlife.
43:10The wildlife?
43:11Yes, mainly the birds.
43:12Mainly the birds.
43:16The white birds.
43:19Doves.
43:22Doves!
43:25Oh, my God.
43:27I'm sorry. I've had enough.
43:40Where's my hundred euros?
43:42What?
43:43My hundred euros. I want it back.
43:45Bloody Doves, he was talking about the birds.
43:47Excuse me.
43:48Birds. What birds?
43:49The white birds on the island. They weren't even Doves.
43:51They were bloody seagulls.
43:52I don't know what you're talking about.
43:54What are you talking about?
43:55I want my money back. Give me my bloody money back.
43:57Do you mind if I ask you?
43:58Do you mind, I'm trying to...
43:59Hey, get your hands off me.
44:01Hey, hey, I'm...
44:03Something's wrong.
44:06Don't just sit there.
44:07Another dove has been born.
44:12A boy from nowhere.
44:17There has to be a place for me.
44:23And I must go there.
44:30I am a lonely man.
44:34That's why...
44:47I'm afraid we really must close now.
44:50Perhaps your friend had some kind of emergency.
44:54Yeah, that was probably it.
44:58That really won't be necessary.
45:02You're a very keen man.
45:10I, um...
45:13I don't suppose you fancy coming back to my place, do you?
45:24Yeah, all right.
45:30To match.
45:32To match, no problem.
45:34I once saw you in Blackpool in 1958.
45:38Oh, did you?
45:43Yes, I did.
46:13© BF-WATCH TV 2021