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00:00You
00:30Oh
01:00But wake up
01:03Hmm who's Inga
01:07Just someone I met at a party thronged by a giraffe called Gerald
01:13To fly with to Paris, but she had a wooden head and was afraid of forks
01:18No future
01:21According to Freud's lexicon of dream symbols flying is supposed to be a metaphor for sex absolute poppycock
01:30I dream of flying all the time
01:34It's certainly nothing to do with sex
01:38It's always the same dream. I'm in a Boeing 727 and it can't take off
01:47I'm sitting there with a tiny bag of nuts. I can't get over
01:52Then suddenly
01:54After one giant tug much to my embarrassment
01:57Embarrassment the whole bag explodes over
02:04Now tell me because I don't see it how on earth is that anything to do with sex
02:14Sirs I'm picking up something from the other side of that asteroid field
02:19It's a deep space explorer ship and it's in big trouble
02:27I
02:57I
02:59I
03:22Get anything the signals weak the magnetite in the asteroids is distorting everything in the local vicinity
03:28Try dropping frequency see if we can circumnavigate the storm try dropping frequency see if we can circumnavigate the storm
03:35What are you talking about?
03:37It works
03:41Good call
03:43Ident details coming in. It's a space called deep space scout ship gravity anti-matter propulsion engines state-of-the-art tech
03:51It's even got one of those big captain II chairs with a flip across picnic tray
03:56I'd kill for one of those you captain your way through a space battle and have a TV dinner at the same time
04:04Coming through now, sir, according to their manifest the crew total is
04:13What I don't know sir
04:25I
04:27I
04:50Now it's saying the total crew is one
04:53The hell is going on
04:55Best guess the Nautilus is bio printing its crew
04:59which is fashionable in the 24th century where unmanned ships were sent into space and only after they
05:06Encountered a point of interest need or danger where the crew best suited for the mission printed from the bio library
05:13These dudes are gonna be human, right?
05:16Human like they're created from synthetic stem cells
05:20But like many movie stars, they'll be incapable of having children in the normal way
05:28Well, only that's the length of their mission in this case save the Nautilus, okay, okay
05:34We've got pictures coming through
05:38This is Captain Edwin Herring of the SS
05:41Can you leave me over copy Nautilus, but there's something wrong with our video feed from our end
05:47You look like a hideous 19th century circus freak
05:53Look like you were in a toupee made of face
05:58One look at you and even the elephant man would want to jump in his mom and dad's bed
06:03Jammed it's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head any advice. Yeah, don't wear a hat
06:12What's my situation?
06:14Obviously, it's difficult to see it appears sir
06:17Your engines are burnt out and you're drifting into the heart of a class C asteroid storm
06:23I'm carrying foranium if the storm pellet rates my hull I'm done for and so is everything in the local vicinity
06:30Can you help our two ships are separated by the asteroid storm? We'll never get round it in time
06:36Are you sure of course, we're sure it's as plain as the nose on your head
06:45Maybe use one of those too late. They've escaped
06:49Machines artificial intelligence. I just look after number one. Perhaps you should print some more of your cruiser get assistance
06:55I've just told you my bioprinters faulty you cretin my visuals are done. What's your name crewman?
07:03Dave Lister, sir
07:08I'm done for aren't I?
07:11Sirs Intel coming in
07:13It's much as I feared the nearer the Nautilus gets to us. The more we ourselves are in danger
07:19How'd you make that one out? If the Nautilus is destroyed in its present position, we're safe
07:25But when the Nautilus enters the asteroid storm the peranium goes up and the blast radius nukes us, too
07:33We've only got one option
07:41I
07:42Just launched a mining torpedo at him. It's too late to intercept
07:47Remember, what have you done? I've just saved all our necks. That's what I've done
07:50It was the only option impact one minute and counting. You've got a talent. You've got to tell herring what you've done
07:57What tell him I've just nuked his ship. I'm not telling him that why not? He won't like me
08:10I
08:23Was the most insanely brilliant ballsies tactical maneuver I've ever witnessed
08:30Who fired that missile?
08:33Me sir, I'm all Jay Rimmer
08:36You mean you took off my wing knowing it would knock me out of the asteroid storm
08:42That's genius Rimmer. They don't call me old iron balls for nothing, sir
08:52What's your rank
08:54Second tech sir, not any longer
08:57I'm promoting you to
09:00officer Rimmer
09:03I'll send the authorization through now. I look forward to meeting you
09:08We'll head back to Red Dwarf sir, and then pick you up officer Rimmer
09:15After all these years, oh, yes
09:19You are genuine
09:22pedigree thoroughbred scum
09:25That's officer Rimmer to you private nothing
09:32To
09:42Do ramscoop not
09:48We're just eight hours from captain herring ship sir, I also have the paperwork confirming your promotion according to protocol
09:577-1-2 there'll need to be an accolade so that you can be officially accredited as an officer
10:04Mmm a simple affair Crichton. I don't want anything too special. We'll have it in the Hall of Heroes
10:13Champagne canopies, maybe a very quick six-gun salute. Let's not get carried away
10:18And then perhaps a short tribute to me no more than an hour
10:23And then I'll outline my plans to open a new officers club on D deck a new officers club sir
10:35Understated luxury where officers can unwind in their precious hours away from the grind of command
10:42So basically sir, you're instigating a class system
10:46the haves me the have-nots you lot
10:51One question sir the fact that you've been awarded officer hood by an act of gross deception
10:57Does that in any way take the sheen of it? Not really? No
11:02It's about getting there. Not how you get there. I
11:07Made love to a beautiful woman in her apartment last night. That's important. How did you get that bike or bus not important?
11:20You
11:24Zero G sports, where is it?
11:27Look to match day four. Where's it gone?
11:30Zero G sports is an officer only channel
11:35As ribbon smeg around with our TV package we've only got the lame stations
11:4324-hour knitting channel
11:46The head channel
11:48Amish MTV
11:51We've got a totally unnecessarily massive repeat sports package anymore
11:56Look at this tonight at seven Premier League croquet Eastbourne ladies versus Gloucestershire girls
12:03It's a grudge match
12:06Oh
12:13Attention attention
12:15Officer Rimmer here will shortly be approaching SS Nautilus to welcome captain Herring
12:21Would all lower orders please make their way to B deck
12:29What this makes this
12:32Why is the old service lift been turned to the grunts lift
12:36So the rank-and-file can travel between floors with their own kind
12:41Meantime you use the officers lift, which we can't use an account of the fact that we're not
12:45Officially, it's one of the privileges of rank third technician
12:55Gentlemen I bid you a temporary farewell
13:01Oh
13:10Thank you facial mist for you, sir
13:19Complimentary executive beverage for you, sir
13:31We'll be all along
13:48So I said no landing bay, please
13:54Landing bay
13:57My the lift somehow made it ruder
14:04Have a wonderful onward journey, and we look forward to going down with you again soon
14:17How hot was that lift my diodes are almost cooked
14:20Hey, look at my hair. I've lost volume height bounce
14:25No, I'm a putting up with this a problem private zero
14:30Rimmer if you think for one minute
14:35Officers Carter, what's this?
14:37Scutters referred the old tube tunnel
14:41See you at the end of the corridor above why?
14:50This corridor's got the best of everything
14:54aircon music
14:57Look doesn't even have to
15:21A
15:22Welcome aboard captain herring. That's a hell of a ceiling. You've got river the lattice works stunning
15:30You're most kind sir
15:32Not massively important, but this is our crew
15:36cat
15:38huh
15:40Crichton uh-huh and
15:42third technician Lister ah
15:45Is this Lister I?
15:48Can tell he's no good just by feeling it. I'm on to you Lister. Don't think I'm
15:59I
16:00Might have been a bit hasty promoting you to officer. I should have promoted you to first lieutenant and I have
16:08congratulations
16:11Much
16:12What's the situation with the Nautilus flight lieutenant? Oh?
16:16That's me
16:17Scutters are unloading your cargo, sir the ship's done for I'm afraid
16:22Well the cargo is safe at least that means my missions up
16:32How are we gonna get him demoted now how indeed?
16:40You
17:03Yes elegant stylish this will suit me and my fellow officers down to the ground Crichton
17:08How are you coming along with a bioprinter? Ah I've repaired it sir so soon how I give it a good kicking I
17:17Thought you didn't believe in hitting machines
17:20Photocopies and printers are an exception sir
17:23We're just waiting for it to calibrate
17:26Good, and then we can start to bioprint the Nautilus is crew indeed
17:30Excellent. I want to print out all those who ranked below me regardless of job or profession
17:37Shouldn't we speak to mr. Lister sir
17:39Crichton bioprinting is an officer only privilege decisions of this magnitude can't be left to a lowly technician
17:46Sir are you familiar with the Abraham Lincoln quotation on power?
17:52Lincoln the president
17:54Got assassinated at the theater indeed
17:57I've never been a fan of the theater Crichton my mother used to take me and some of the most
18:02Excruciating hours of my life have been spent there sometimes the greater tragedy is going to the theater and not getting shot
18:12Lincoln once said if you want to test a man's character give him power and
18:18Officer Rimmer once said if you want to feel my boot up your recharge socket keep talking
18:31We can print out any of these people yeah, what about her a
18:38Fitness ball lady and tight like crew shorts
18:41She can't demote anybody so what if she can't I can see past that
18:48Wait wait wait wait go back go back go back
18:52That's you
18:53That's me
18:55How's that me?
18:57You genomes in the Nautilus is database what how ah
19:10I think I might have
19:16Yeah, I was a kid and my mate dodgy offered me a hundred dollar pounds and half a packet of fags for it
19:22Well let's do is put some saliva on a stick you sold the rights to your unique haploid set of chromosomes sir
19:29You traded away the map
19:32categorizing every detail of your genetic makeup for a hundred dollar pounds and half a packet of fags
19:45You think you should have held out for a whole
19:47Sir
19:50This means someone else holds the copyright to you you don't own yourself
19:55What like every time I take a leak? I'm handling stolen goods
20:01With three million years into the big black no one's coming out here who cares exactly
20:08Don't think you appreciate what you've done
20:12Thousands of different companies have taken out a license to produce use
20:17You're like writing software that people can buy and then use as they like do what they want with
20:24Here's one
20:26license ten years
20:283,000 listers Sandex communication listers to be used in call centers
20:34To be used in call centers
20:40You mean all those smart-ass scouts and call centers of me
20:48Johnny's that are playing in the backside. They know nothing and they sound like they don't want to be there. They don't sir. They're you
21:00Use this machine to produce people who will obey it
21:05Never being born has got to be better than a life like that
21:08We've got to wipe the database crime delete it all right now. I can't sir
21:14I have to print out a new crew as instructed now. Mr. Rim is a flight lieutenant. I can't refuse his orders
21:22Well, I'll do it. Tell me what to do
21:24Sir, if you think I'm going to select all these files
21:30And
21:33Then take my leave
21:36taking my leave
21:38So you can press that
21:42You've got another thing coming
21:52The entire database has deleted itself
21:56Check bioprinter, this is going down on my daily to-do list
22:00How it's a mystery sir. I bet listers behind this isn't it possible to print anyone?
22:07I need a crew to command well in theory it is possible to insert a piece of
22:12DNA into the bioprinter and have it produce a genome, but who would we print?
22:17My mind's on file in the hollow suite and my DNA is on all my old belongings
22:23With the remaining bioink we could produce 50 versions of me make them all officers
22:28So a slight lieutenant I'm over them and then we can have an officer's club crammed full of rumors
22:36He tells us that you and you is a very bad mix you and 50 uses beyond horrific
22:43Not if I'm their commanding officer, then they'll do what I want
22:48Move the bioprinter to one of the junk rooms and double security
22:52Things are about to get a whole lot more rippery
23:05Officers club
23:07Evening
23:15Evening evening where they come from he's bioprinting rumors machine boy prints anymore
23:38I
23:42Gentlemen welcome. Do you have a reservation?
23:47Where's the bioprinter is it here because we're going in I'm afraid I can't let you in unless you're on the list
23:54Let me see
24:00Have you moved the bioprinter to somewhere in the officers club, sorry you don't appear to be here
24:07Rimmer party of two 830 p.m.. Come in how lovely to see you again nice to see
24:16How many did he print
24:18Rimmer party
24:20for straight through cloak rooms on the left enjoy
24:25How many of you printed you smack
24:28You can't use
24:32Yeah, we need that thing to print
24:36Hey, what the hell is this?
24:41Any ID
24:59Mr.. Rimmer
25:01We are what we see
25:07What you've ever seen
25:10We've got four mouths with a duet times two
25:15This barbershop protect is singing for you
25:20That is entertainment in you go
25:24Very little this tossing about come on. We're going in
25:27I've got a
25:35Hot towel
25:37facial spray
25:38Enough they barge their way into the officers club
25:41And I need some bouncers print for more bees make them huge muscly and brave can the bioprinter do that in theory sir a
25:48complimentary executive corridor beverage sir
25:51Don't stop
25:56Adjustments made sir
26:02Why isn't it printing well the new settings need extra time to calibrate sir
26:07We'll just have to be a little bit patient. I have been patient
26:15What's wrong with it a damn thing come on
26:21Come on. Come on. Come on
26:24last
26:29The first one's got stuck. We need a midwife. We'll have to do it ourselves
26:38Oh
26:51Oh
27:21Oh
27:45Officers lift on floor 15 sir. We've got to take the truck
27:51Get me out of here pronto. I'm busy. Okay, just close the doors
27:58This is the range version of me out there. There's one in here, too
28:02I'll take the stairs sir. We've got to tell the others
28:11I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just close the doors, please hold the left don't close wait for me
28:21Oh
28:35Right I've rigged up a monitor wirelessly from these CCTV footage
28:40From this we can see where the rumor monster is and what it's doing
28:51Oh
28:59Let me in are you on the list?
29:02Your name's not dying. You can't come in riffraff only I'm gonna get absorbed and I've admit you're a grunt
29:08Total grunt you're gonna have to resign your first lieutenant ship, but I worked so hard for it
29:14You did nothing, but I did it so well
29:21Okay, okay, I resign just let me in
29:29Stand back technician 2.0
29:36What is that thing the human body is built of cells with specific fixed roles sir
29:42Stem cells on the other hand can become any other type of cell what?
29:48reprogrammable
29:49So when the printer jammed and did a mash-up of all the countless rumors
29:53It didn't just combine these some of your parts physically it amalgamated all your faults. I've got faults
30:01You're lost for power. You're impatience. You're insecurity. Yes. Oh, I did see your greed
30:08Yes, thank you brighten and ordered these stem cells to make a creature to accommodate them all
30:15I
30:19Have an idea sir, but it does involve using you as bait. I love it already
30:45I
30:55Have to go the long way round
31:15Can't shoot my take out mr. Rimmer and the downside of that is
31:23What are you doing we're going to absorb the final winner, all right, then what you gonna do
31:33What you not made it to do this
31:41You got a pen
31:45Okay
31:50All right that list
31:54Harwood don't forget to put the last thing you're going to be doing on that list
32:02What's that
32:15Oh
32:45You