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00:00Have you seen the well-to-do Up on Lennox Avenue?
00:13On that famous thoroughfare With their noses in the air?
00:18High hats and collared collars White spats and fifteen dollars
00:23Spending every dime For a wonderful time
00:31If you're blue and you don't know where to go...to
00:38If you're blue and you don't know where...
00:45If you're blue and you don't know where to go to...
00:49Oh dear, this Irving Berlin fellow seems to have become a bit of a cropper here, I tease.
00:53This new song of his, too many words, not enough notes.
00:56If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward
00:59syncopated five-four time signature. If you were to accent the words if,
01:04where and fashion, I think you'll find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.
01:08If, where and fashion.
01:11If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
01:15why don't you go where fashion sits?
01:18Puttin' on the Ritz.
01:19More or less gets away with it, Jeeves. What about this?
01:24Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie,
01:29all misfits, puttin' on the Ritz.
01:31Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves.
01:33Imagine the trouble he'd have got into if he decided to write about, uh,
01:36putting on the Regency. Now where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for Regency, Jeeves?
01:39Uh, with due expediency, sir?
01:42With due expediency.
01:45Putting on the Regency doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?
01:48Very true, sir.
01:50I wonder if I might have a word, sir.
01:52What? All right, Jeeves. What is it?
01:54I received a letter from my uncle Charlie this morning, sir.
01:57He's considering marriage and would like to know
01:59if I'm likely to be in England for the ceremony in September.
02:02Most unlikely, Jeeves.
02:03I have no intention of returning to Blighty in the foreseeable future, if at all, Jeeves.
02:07I mean, think of the advantages of this wonderful country, Jeeves.
02:10Very good, sir.
02:11Aunt Agatha doesn't live here.
02:12Roderick Spode doesn't live here.
02:13Madeline Bassett doesn't live here.
02:15Honoria Glossop doesn't live here.
02:16I mean, the list is endless.
02:18As you say, sir.
02:19Uh, send your uncle Charlie off for dissertations
02:21and the customary fish slice, Jeeves.
02:22Very good, sir.
02:24In fact, send in one for me while you're at it.
02:26Thank you, sir.
02:27And will you be in to luncheon, sir?
02:29No, Jeeves. As soon as I've mastered this,
02:30I'm going to look into the pumpkin club.
02:32Very good, sir.
02:47Bingo little as I live and breathe.
02:49Bertie Worcester!
02:50I didn't know you were in New York.
02:51I'm here with my uncle.
02:52How is he, old chap?
02:53He's, uh, come over for treatment.
02:55Oh, I'm sorry.
02:56Are you having lunch?
02:56Just on my way up.
02:57No, no, you don't want to eat here.
02:58I'll take you to a little place I know.
03:00Best food in town.
03:01Lead oil fruit.
03:06Will you have what you always have, Richard?
03:08Of course.
03:09And my friend will have a hamburger and french fries.
03:13We'll both have coffee to drink.
03:16One cheese omelet with fries.
03:19One hamburger with fries.
03:21And two coffees.
03:26Strange, that.
03:27English girl working here.
03:29What do you think, Bertie?
03:31Oh, bingo.
03:32You're not in love again.
03:33Well, of course I am.
03:34Wouldn't you be?
03:35No, I blasted well wouldn't.
03:36Why don't you take a day off once in a while?
03:38Tell me about your uncle.
03:39What about him?
03:40You said he was ill.
03:41No, not really.
03:42He's, uh, in the Glossop clinic.
03:44That's not my old chum, Sir Roderick Glossop, is it?
03:46The, uh, the loony doctor.
03:47That's the chap.
03:48Only Uncle Mortimer's not loony.
03:49He just eats too much.
03:50His doctor told him he'd got to lose some weight,
03:52and shoved him off to see this Glossop chap.
03:55When Glossop moved over here, Uncle Morty came with him.
03:58How long's he been in the clinic?
04:00In all?
04:00Oh, uh, just over a year.
04:03Must have lost a lot of weight.
04:04Not an ounce.
04:06Isn't she adorable, Bertie?
04:13Good morning, sir.
04:14A fine morning with some scattering of cirrocumulus
04:17and a light breeze from the southeast.
04:20You'll pardon me mentioning it, sir,
04:21but I discovered this article on our hat rack.
04:24I can only assume that a tradesman left it.
04:26Oh, jeez, we're not going to have a difference of opinion
04:28about that hat, are we?
04:30I'm not yet in a position to say so.
04:33This is what is known among the fashionable elite
04:35as a 42nd Street skimmer, Jeeves.
04:39Gentlemen do not wear straw hats in the metropolis, sir.
04:42Jeeves, I am not going to discuss it any further.
04:46If you say so, sir.
04:48Mr. Little is here to see you, sir.
04:50Oh, Lord, we'll stand by for sharp squalls
04:52and gale-force winds from the direction of Art's Diner, Jeeves.
04:55Sir?
04:56Mr. Little is in love again, for the 53rd time on this occasion,
04:59with a waitress from Art's Diner and Grill,
05:01where every sandwich is a work of art.
05:04Mr. Little is certainly a warm-hearted gentleman, sir.
05:06Warm-hearted?
05:07He has to wear asbestos vests.
05:13Bertie, I want you to do a bit of diplomatic business with my uncle.
05:16He always disapproves of anyone I want to marry,
05:18and I need his approval.
05:19But, bingo, every time you fall in love,
05:21something goes wrong and you're left in the lurch.
05:22Why not leave tackling your uncle
05:24until everything's fixed and settled?
05:25It is fixed and settled.
05:27She accepted me last night.
05:29I thought you only met a week ago.
05:32Why do you always...
05:34Bertie!
05:36What? What?
05:37Do you remember that frightfully subtle scheme I worked out,
05:40telling him you were Watsoname who wrote those books?
05:43I thought that was my idea, wasn't it, Jeeves?
05:45Perhaps so, sir.
05:47What do you mean, perhaps so?
05:48Well, perhaps I misremember the occasion, sir,
05:50but I had always believed that I was to some degree responsible.
05:53Oh, nonsense, Jeeves.
05:55I remember as if it were yesterday.
05:56I said...
05:56Never mind whose idea it was.
05:58The point is, it was a corker.
06:00What I say is this.
06:01Rosie M. Banks, forward once more.
06:03Sorry, bingo, out of the question.
06:04I will not go through all that again,
06:05pretending that my pen name was Rosie M. Banks
06:07and that I'd written all those frightful novels.
06:10Not for me.
06:11Not for you, nor a dozen like you.
06:14I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Worcester.
06:16Yeah, yes, well, you've heard them now.
06:18Paste them into your hat.
06:22Our very last copy, sir.
06:24This is an absolutely rotten idea, bingo.
06:27Here's her latest.
06:28Just sign it.
06:29To Lord Bittlesham, from Rosie M. Banks, with all good wishes.
06:32I haven't even read the belly thing.
06:33You don't have to read it.
06:34They're all the same.
06:36Innocent but doughty young mill girl, waitress, shop girl,
06:40falls in love with poor but handsome young architect,
06:44motor mechanic, mining engineer.
06:46Innocent but doughty, et cetera, et cetera,
06:48is blackmailed into a compromising situation
06:51by even more handsome but dastardly mill owner's son.
06:55She's rescued by poor but handsome,
06:57who then finds out that he's the rightful heir
06:58to the Duke of Dorset, and they live happily ever after.
07:01When Uncle Mortimer reads all that, he'll be a gone swan.
07:06May I help you?
07:09Good afternoon.
07:09I'd like to see Lord Bittlesham, please.
07:11Up the stairs, suite four.
07:20The intake must be constant,
07:21and ensure you have a sweet course with each meal.
07:24At least three helpings at each sitting are essential.
07:30Yes?
07:31Oh, it's Bertie Wooster, isn't it?
07:33What, who's the Roderick?
07:33I'm here to see Lord Bittlesham.
07:34I didn't know you knew each other.
07:36Come in, come in.
07:37Bertie Wooster is here to see you, Mortimer.
07:40What a wonderful surprise.
07:41Well, I heard you were laid up, you know.
07:43Why don't you stay and have lunch with us, Bertie,
07:44after you're finished here?
07:46Take the opportunity, Mr. Wooster, if you can.
07:48Sir Roderick has the most sublime chef.
07:50Oh, well, thanks.
07:51I'll see you later, Bertie.
07:53Mr. Wooster, I wish to congratulate you.
07:55I wish to thank you.
07:57You go from strength to strength.
07:59I have read All for Love.
08:01I have read Only a Factory Girl.
08:03I know Madcap Myrtle by heart,
08:04but this, this is your bravest and your best.
08:07It tears the heart straight.
08:09Oh, well, I brought you one of those, as a matter of fact.
08:12Oh, thank you.
08:14Oh, inscribed.
08:16How kind.
08:16Mr. Wooster, I'm a better man for having read this book.
08:19Really?
08:20A better, sweeter, deeper man.
08:23Ah, my treatment.
08:25A harsh regime indeed, Mr. Wooster.
08:27A better man, you say?
08:28Yes, infinitely.
08:30I'm full of human charity and sweetness
08:32towards my fellow man.
08:33Oh, including young Bingo?
08:35My nephew, Richard.
08:36Well, yes, even towards Richard, yes.
08:39Oh, stout fellow.
08:40Or rather, good egg.
08:41Because I wanted to talk to you about him.
08:44Didn't I tell you the chef was a master?
08:46He wants to get married.
08:48Well, I see no reason why he shouldn't.
08:50Oh, splendid.
08:51As long as it doesn't interfere with his cooking.
08:54No, no, no, no, Bingo does.
08:56Richard wants to get married.
08:57Well, I'm not altogether sure that I approve of that.
09:00Who is the lady?
09:01Well, as a matter of fact, she's a waitress.
09:05This is remarkable.
09:07This is most cheering.
09:08I have not given the boy credit for such tenacity of purpose.
09:11I reckon that when I first had the pleasure
09:13of making your acquaintance last year,
09:15Richard was desirous of marrying this waitress.
09:18Yes, yes, it is good, isn't it?
09:20Of course, it's not exactly the same waitress.
09:23But still, it's a waitress.
09:25I did a lot of work with heavy drinkers for my PhD.
09:28One thing I found they all had in common
09:30was that as children, they'd be deprived of alcohol.
09:33My point exactly.
09:34That's the basis of his whole treatment.
09:36Mr. Bertram Worcester to see you, sir.
09:38What ho, what ho, what ho?
09:40Bertie Worcester.
09:41Good Lord.
09:43Oh, what ho, Noria?
09:44Do you know Mrs. Snap?
09:47We met outside.
09:48And this is Dr. Blair Eggleston.
09:57How do you do?
09:58Bertie and I were engaged once.
10:00Weren't we, Bertie?
10:01Well...
10:02Bertie's an absolute fool.
10:03Just let me slip through his fingers.
10:05Silly me.
10:06You're to see something of each other again.
10:08Bertie can show you around New York.
10:09Oh, yes, I say.
10:10That would be super.
10:12Well...
10:12And how did you find Lord Bittlesham, Bertie?
10:14Well, to tell you the absolute truth, Sir Roderick,
10:16I couldn't quite work it out.
10:17I mean, I thought he was here to lose weight.
10:18But there he was, hoovering in the scoff
10:20like a team of drey horses
10:21after a hard day delivering beer.
10:24Of course, I know nothing of medical matters.
10:25No, no, of course not.
10:27The Glossop method is based on the patient
10:29being given an excess of whatever it is he most desires.
10:33As it may be alcohol,
10:34or the companionship of the opposite sex,
10:36or as in Lord Bittlesham's case, food.
10:38The patient will eventually revolt
10:40at the sheer immoderation of it
10:42and voluntarily deny himself.
10:43Yeah, sort of get it out of his system.
10:46Precisely.
10:47Is it successful?
10:48It's theoretically impeccable, Bertie,
10:50and extremely popular.
10:53Yes, yes, I should think it would be.
10:54The medical profession in England
10:56are a cartel of backward-looking dinosaurs.
10:59You mustn't upset yourself, Daddy.
11:01No, no, quite.
11:03Shall we go to lunch?
11:04I haven't got time for lunch, Roderick.
11:06You know that.
11:07Oh, surely you can.
11:08No, I've got the linen to check.
11:10We can't trust these girls to do it.
11:15I'll tell you something about Roderick Glossop, Jeeves.
11:18He has something on his mind.
11:20Conversing with him,
11:20one felt that his thoughts were far away
11:22and his thoughts were stinkers.
11:24It's possible that it is Sir Roderick's situation
11:26with regard to Mrs Snapp
11:28that is causing him chagrin.
11:30Sir?
11:31There was a situation with Mrs Snapp.
11:33Oh, indeed, sir.
11:34Ever since Lady Glossop eloped with the conductor
11:36who befriended her on the 73 omnibus,
11:39Sir Roderick has keenly missed the comforts of connubiality
11:42and has been eager to remarry.
11:43And he wants to marry Myrtle Snapp.
11:45Precisely so, sir,
11:46but Mrs Snapp refuses to consider such a venture
11:49while Sir Roderick's daughter remains unmarried.
11:51In a colourful turn of phrase,
11:53she stated that certain specific
11:55and scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions
11:58would have to take place in the infernal regions
12:00before she would share a home with Miss Anoria.
12:03Well, amen to that.
12:04But how do you know so much about the Glossops?
12:06The butler, Dobson, is an old acquaintance, sir.
12:09Dobson has exceptionally keen hearing.
12:12What, listens at keyholes, you mean?
12:14Precisely so, sir.
12:16He is gathering material for his memoirs.
12:18Will that be all, sir?
12:19Yes, that'll be all, Jeeves.
12:20Good night.
12:21Good night, sir.
12:24Well, what have we got?
12:27How did it go with Uncle Mortimer?
12:29Not bad.
12:29Not bad? I left him thinking it over.
12:30Thinking it over?
12:31If I was a bookie, I should feel justified
12:33in offering a hundred to eight against.
12:34Hundred to eight?
12:35That's no blasted good.
12:37Might have known you'd muck it up.
12:38Well, I like that.
12:39Have you been to see him?
12:40He might have softened up by now.
12:42No, I'll go tomorrow.
12:44I'm playing tennis with Blair Eggleston this afternoon.
12:46Well, the doctor fellow, you know him, do you?
12:48Well, of course I know him.
12:49I wouldn't be playing tennis with him otherwise.
12:51We play twice a week and he spends the whole game
12:53telling me about his miserable love life.
12:55What's wrong with his love life?
12:56Honoria Glossop is.
12:57He's madly in love with her
12:58and he can't bring himself to tell her.
13:00I mean, he's the most frightful hearty.
13:01Well, a doctor and good looking
13:03and all that sort of thing.
13:04I know.
13:05You'd think he'd be a menace to the sex
13:06and have to be kept on a leash
13:07in the interest of pure womanhood.
13:09But put him alone in a room with a woman
13:11and he comes over all faint
13:12and has to ask for a glass of water.
13:14Yeah, well, don't listen to us all, Bingo.
13:16Well, not you, as it happens.
13:18Bingo!
13:18What?
13:20No, no, I mean, Bingo, inspiration has struck.
13:22About my uncle.
13:24Well, not in this instance, no.
13:25Honoria Glossop has been making
13:26definite tally hoes in my direction
13:28and I need to throw her off the scent.
13:29I would also be doing my old
13:30John Roderick Glossop a good turn.
13:32Look, you're seeing Eggleston this afternoon, you say?
13:34Yes.
13:34Well, just try and drop it into the conversation, will you?
13:37That he'd better heat up his feet
13:38and grab Honoria while the grabbing's good
13:40because you happen to know that someone else
13:41is making a heavy play in her direction
13:42and may have the deal set up at any moment.
13:45All right.
13:46But who's making a heavy play in her direction?
13:47Bertram is, Bingo.
13:49Jeeves always thinks he's so dash clever
13:50about these affairs of the heart.
13:52And I sometimes wonder
13:53if he doesn't think I'm a complete idiot.
13:55He's also getting a bit above himself
13:56in matters of headgear.
13:58You know, you leave it to Bertram.
14:49Bingo!
14:54You see that Eggleston fellow lately?
14:56Yesterday afternoon.
14:57He's consumed with jealousy, Bertie.
14:59Good, good.
14:59I kept telling him what fun
15:00you and Honoria were having going about together.
15:02If he wasn't grinding his teeth
15:04then I don't know a ground tooth when I hear one.
15:05People on the next court were complaining about the noise.
15:07Excellent.
15:08By the way, Bingo, not a word to Jeeves
15:09if you bump into him.
15:10You know how he likes to think
15:11that he's the only one who can sort out
15:12these little human emotional difficulties.
15:14I want to present him with a fait accompli.
15:15Uncle Bertram knows what he's doing.
15:17Pip-pip.
15:20Bertie, I have something important to tell you.
15:25You on for tonight?
15:26Well, to tell you the truth, Bertie, I...
15:28Aha! Blair Eggleston.
15:40Bertie!
15:41Toodle-oo, Honoria.
15:50Jeeves?
15:55Good afternoon, sir.
15:56It is, Jeeves, it certainly is.
15:58Yes, let me entertain you a while
15:59with a story of a coup in the field of human relations such as...
16:02No answer then, will you, Jeeves?
16:04I'm not at home to anybody.
16:05Very good, sir.
16:07Mr. Worcester's residence?
16:09No, Miss Glossop.
16:11I really couldn't say, Miss Glossop.
16:14No, miss.
16:16Very good, miss.
16:18Indeed, miss.
16:20Well, congratulations, Miss Glossop.
16:22I hope you will be very happy.
16:25Goodbye.
16:27Miss Glossop, Jeeves?
16:28Indeed it was, sir.
16:30A most mysterious telephone call.
16:32Tell me what she said, Jeeves, and I shall reveal all.
16:35She asked me to tell you, sir,
16:36that Dr. Eggleston proposed to her last evening.
16:40Last evening?
16:41And that she had accepted his proposal,
16:43but before she could tell you so, something,
16:46and she did not specify what it was,
16:47but said that you would know, sir,
16:49happened, and that Dr. Eggleston witnessed this occurrence
16:52and subsequently broke the engagement.
16:56Oh, no!
16:58However, she asked me to inform you, sir,
16:59that she will now marry you.
17:02What?
17:04She says that while you may not be the man of her dreams,
17:07she feels that your patient love should be rewarded.
17:10Oh, no!
17:15Oh, Jeeves!
17:17But we were interrupted, sir.
17:19There was something you wished to tell me?
17:31Could I do something for you, sir?
17:33No, no, that's all right.
17:34Thank you, Jeeves.
17:35You carry on.
17:40Um, a problem has arisen in the life of a friend of mine,
17:45Jeeves, who shall be nameless,
17:46and I want, or rather he wants, your advice.
17:50Certainly, sir.
17:50Well, now, I must begin by saying
17:52that this is one of those delicate problems
17:53where not only must my friend be nameless,
17:55but all the other personnel as well.
17:57Would you prefer it if we were to term
17:58the protagonists A and B, sir?
18:00Yes, or North and South.
18:02A and B is more customary, sir.
18:04Well, you know best, Jeeves.
18:06Very well.
18:06Now then, A is male and B female.
18:09You follow me so far?
18:10You have been lucidity itself, sir.
18:12Right.
18:12Well, owing to a, um, what's that, uh,
18:16what's that something of circumstances
18:18you hear people talking about?
18:19Uh, cats come into it, if I remember rightly.
18:22Would concatenation be the word
18:23for which you are grouping, sir?
18:24That's it.
18:25Owing to a concatenation of circumstances,
18:27B has got it into her nut
18:29that A is in love with her, but he isn't.
18:31Now then, until recently, B was engaged to...
18:35Should we call him C, sir?
18:37Yes.
18:38Well, Caesar is as good a name as any, I suppose.
18:41Yes.
18:41Well, as I was saying, until recently,
18:43B was engaged to Caesar,
18:44and A hadn't got a care in the world.
18:46But now there's been a rift within the loot,
18:48the fixture's been scratched,
18:49and B is talking freely about teaming up with A.
18:51Now, what I want you to bend your brain around, Jeeves,
18:53is the problem of how Caesar can oil out of it.
18:57I think, sir, that you mean A.
19:00Do I?
19:01Wait a minute.
19:03Oh, yes, yes, that's right.
19:04Yes, how A can oil out of it.
19:05Now, I don't want you thinking that this is simple, Jeeves.
19:07You see, A is what is known as a pro-Chevalier,
19:11and this hampers him.
19:12I mean, if B comes to him and says,
19:14A, I am yours, he can't simply reply,
19:16oh, that's what you think.
19:17No, he has his code, you see.
19:19And his code rules that he must accept the situation.
19:22Although, frankly, Jeeves, he'd rather be dead in a ditch.
19:25Well, there you are.
19:26All the facts are before you.
19:27Anything stirring?
19:28Yes, sir.
19:30Well, good heavens, Jeeves.
19:31That certainly is the deluxe express service.
19:33Thank you, sir.
19:34Obviously, sir, B's matrimonial plans
19:37would be rendered null and void if A were to inform her
19:40that his affections were engaged elsewhere.
19:43But they aren't.
19:44It would only be necessary, sir,
19:46merely to convey the impression that that were the case.
19:50I see what you mean.
19:52Yes, if I'm, or rather, if A were to produce a female
19:57and have her assert that she was betrothed to me,
20:00um, or I should say, betrothed to him,
20:03then the peril would be averted.
20:04Precisely, is it?
20:07Yes.
20:14Bingo, old can of fruit.
20:15What, Hoberti?
20:16I have a boon to crave.
20:17A what?
20:19That girl in the diner.
20:20You've got to know her a bit, have you?
20:21I mean, you're friends.
20:22Well, as a matter of fact.
20:23Only I need to borrow her for an hour or two.
20:25Steady on.
20:27No, all strictly above board, Bingo, I assure you.
20:29I need her to pretend that she's engaged to me.
20:31No, no, no, no, no.
20:34Oh, come on, Bingo, I'm in a desperate situation.
20:36So is she.
20:38We got married yesterday.
20:48As a matter of fact, we were going to ask you a favour.
20:51We were going to ask you to break the news to Lord Bittlesham.
20:54Well, I can't go there.
20:55Iggleston might be there.
20:56No, no, not since the break-up.
20:58We played tennis yesterday,
20:59and he said he was never going to see Honoria again.
21:02I thought you got married yesterday.
21:04Well, yes, but after tennis.
21:06Anyway, Iggleston's rather keen to see you.
21:09I absolutely refuse to give him your address, though.
21:14Well, thank you, Bingo.
21:16Of course, Richard doesn't know how long he'll be able to resist
21:19if Iggleston keeps asking.
21:29Ah, Mr. Wooster, there you are.
21:31Now, tell me, what can I do for you?
21:34Well, the fact is that I'm here more or less in the capacity
21:36of a dolly old ambassador at the moment,
21:39representing young Bingo, you know.
21:40Bingo?
21:41Oh, I had hoped for a literary conversation.
21:46Ah, well, the way I see it, young Bingo's predicament, that is,
21:50is that it's dash difficult to prevail
21:53against a pure and all-consuming love.
21:56Yes, yes, yes, we discussed all that at our last meeting.
21:59Ah, but there have been developments since.
22:02Now, the fact of the matter is that yesterday afternoon,
22:04young Bingo went and jumped off the dock.
22:07Good heavens, why?
22:08Where? Which dock?
22:10No, I mean he got married.
22:13Married?
22:14Hitched, absolutely.
22:15I hope you're not ratty about it.
22:16What?
22:17Young blood and so on, two loving hearts and all that.
22:21I'm greatly disturbed by your news, Mr. Wooster.
22:23I have been defiled.
22:24Yes, defiled.
22:26Ah, yes, yes, but, uh, but who are you
22:29to pit yourself against the decrees of fate?
22:32This love of theirs was fated since time began.
22:35Mr. Wooster, you are as sagacious in life as you are in your books.
22:39Tch, well, you know how it is.
22:40Well, Mr. Wooster, you have won me over.
22:43Bring the young people to see me.
22:44Who am I, as you say, to pit myself against the decrees of fate?
22:50Not quite.
22:51Bertie, this is good news.
22:53Absolutely, Bingo's going to be thoroughly chuffed.
22:55Bingo?
22:56I was referring to your engagement to Honoria.
22:58Oh, rather.
23:00Might even make it a double wedding.
23:02Mrs. Snap has consented to be my wife.
23:04Well, congratulations on all that.
23:09Hello, boys!
23:10Having a good time?
23:14Dear boys, some of our drinkers are showing great progress.
23:19Here's Honoria now.
23:21What ho, Bertie!
23:22What ho, Honoria?
23:23Just been to the dressmaker.
23:24A wedding dress, Bertie.
23:26Oh, right.
23:27Well, isn't that good?
23:28Lot of dashed nonsense, really.
23:30Still, got to get down to brass tacks about this, Bertie.
23:32Decide on a date.
23:33I'll come round for tea this afternoon and we'll get it settled.
23:39It was ghastly, Jean.
23:41Sent a shiver down my spine she'd been buying a wedding dress.
23:44Very disturbing, sir.
23:45It was the way she said it, just cold-bloodedly.
23:48Ladies are often almost willfully unaware of our rather more sensitive nature in these matters.
23:53Well, exactly.
23:54I mean, there might have been children present.
23:56It seems unlikely, sir.
23:58Or people of a nervous disposition.
24:00And it wasn't just the dress, Jean.
24:01There was also wild talk about setting a date.
24:04You know how people say that your past life flashes in front of your eyes?
24:08Yes, sir.
24:08It's absolutely true.
24:09It happens.
24:10Yes, I found myself remembering the drones out in Henley
24:13when Barmy got his foot caught in that cake stand.
24:16And the time when Tuffy Glossop ran out of money in the bar of the Ritz
24:18and had to raffle his trousers in order to buy another bottle of Bollinger.
24:21Oh, happy days indeed, sir.
24:25A thought has occurred to me, sir,
24:26in reference to your need to find a young lady to pose as your fiancée.
24:30Yes, Jeeves?
24:32A theatrical agent, sir, might well be in a position to find a resting artiste
24:36who would be only too willing to take part in such an innocent deception for a moderate fee.
24:42Jeeves, that is brilliant.
24:44Why didn't I think of that?
24:46I couldn't say, sir.
24:52Something I can do for you, buddy?
24:58Uh, Jas Waterbury?
25:00That's me.
25:01You looking for a job?
25:02No, I'm looking for a girl.
25:03Oh, aren't we all, amigo?
25:06What's your line?
25:07You, uh, you running a touring company?
25:10No, I want a girl to pretend to be my fiancée for the afternoon.
25:13Oh, one of those.
25:14Well, you've come to the right place.
25:16I've got just the girl for you.
25:18Oh, well, that's good.
25:20Yeah, Trixie Waterbury.
25:22Made for the part.
25:23Right up Trixie Street.
25:24She'll cover you with burning kisses, if that's what you want.
25:28Oh, well, I hadn't thought of that.
25:30Lucky you came to me, then, isn't it?
25:32How much does the part pay?
25:34Uh, well, I thought about twenty dollars.
25:36Think again, friend.
25:38What, more you mean?
25:39No, less.
25:41Fifteen?
25:42A comedian, too, are you?
25:44Thirty dollars.
25:46Or rather, forty.
25:47That way you get every ounce of zest and cooperation.
25:51More than I get for thirty?
25:52Oh, much more.
25:57Forty dollars.
25:58A plus commission.
26:00Commission?
26:01Yeah, another ten.
26:01Inclusive.
26:06That's, uh, that's strange there, isn't it?
26:07Her having the same name as you.
26:09What's strange?
26:10She's my niece.
26:17Will smoked salmon, sandwiches and tea cakes be in order, sir?
26:25Doesn't matter, Jeeves.
26:26Could be pigs' trotters and turtle soup, as far as Honoria's concerned.
26:29She's not going to get as far as the comestibles.
26:31Ah, that'll be Trixie now.
26:37Afternoon, Worcester.
26:39Well, here she is.
26:41This is Trixie.
26:43Please to meet you, I'm sure.
26:48You can call him Birdie.
26:50Wouldn't sweetie pie be better?
26:55You're right, you're right.
26:56You hear that, Worcester?
26:58When you buy a waterberry, you buy talent.
27:02Will that be all for now, sir?
27:04Yes, no, um, well, yes I suppose so, Jeeves.
27:08That's your, uh, that's your butler, is it?
27:14Ah, well, no, ballad.
27:15Oh, you hear that, Trixie?
27:16Ballet?
27:17Oh, nice little place you got here, buddy.
27:18I bet this cost a bundle to keep up.
27:19When are you expecting your lady friend?
27:20Uh, well, any minute now.
27:21Then we'd better be dressing the stage.
27:22Discovered.
27:23You, Worcester, sitting in that chair.
27:24We saw the...
27:25In the chair there.
27:26Sit.
27:27Discovered.
27:28You, Trixie, sitting on his lap.
27:29Oh, yes.
27:30Oh, yes.
27:31Oh, yes.
27:32Oh, yes.
27:33Oh, yes.
27:34Oh, yes.
27:35Oh, yes.
27:36Oh, yes.
27:38What?
27:39We're all working for the good of the show here.
27:40You want the scene to carry conviction?
27:42Well, then, you need a side gag.
27:47Oh, this is nice.
27:52Curtain going up.
27:54Passionate embrace, Trixie.
27:56Good luck, folks.
27:58I love you, sweety pie.
28:01Do you love me, sweety pie?
28:05What the hell is this?
28:14What are you doing here?
28:15More to the point, what do you think you're doing?
28:18Um, well, uh, Trixie, this is Dr. Eggleston.
28:22Eggleston, uh, this is Miss Trixie Waterbury, my fiancée.
28:26Oh, hi.
28:27Your what?
28:28Fiancée.
28:29As in fiancée.
28:32You cur.
28:33Did you call, sir?
28:34Catch yourself shaving, Bertie?
28:35Very funny.
28:36Now, I'm still relying on you, Bertie, to speak to him about the allowance.
28:37Why can't you do it?
28:38You know he respects you.
28:39Doesn't respect me at all.
28:40Oh, well, here goes.
28:41Come in.
28:42You're not going to get out, are you?
28:43No.
28:44I'm not going to let you in.
28:45Oh, I'm sorry.
28:46I'm sorry.
28:47I'm sorry.
28:48I'm sorry.
28:49I'm sorry.
28:50I'm sorry.
28:51I'm sorry.
28:52I'm sorry.
28:53I'm sorry.
28:54I'm sorry.
28:55I'm sorry.
28:56I'm sorry.
28:57I'm sorry.
28:58I'm sorry.
28:59I'm sorry.
29:00I'm sorry.
29:01Come in.
29:02What's here, Uncle Baltimore?
29:03Richard, my boy.
29:04This is...
29:05Well, this is my wife.
29:06Uncle Baltimore, Rosemary.
29:07Rosemary, Uncle Baltimore.
29:08How do you do, Lord Bittleson?
29:09What a charming girl.
29:10Charming.
29:11Good afternoon, Miss Wooster.
29:12What?
29:13Oh, what?
29:14Are you all right?
29:15I cut myself shaving.
29:16Richard has told me so little about you.
29:17Rosemary.
29:18Rosemary.
29:19I look forward to the time we spend together while we get to know each other.
29:20I look forward to that, too.
29:21I'm going to go and get my hair cut.
29:22I'm going to get my hair cut.
29:23I'm going to get my hair cut.
29:24I'm going to get my hair cut.
29:25I'm going to get my hair cut.
29:26I look forward to the time we spend together while we get to know each other.
29:29I look forward to that, too.
29:30Have you read this, Lord Bittleson?
29:31Oh, yes.
29:32Three times already.
29:33Are you also an admirer of Rosie M. Banks?
29:34I am Rosie M. Banks.
29:35Eh?
29:36Hardly, old girl.
29:37Rosie M. Banks is my nom de plume.
29:38It's Rosemary's little joke, Uncle.
29:39Her maiden name was Rosemary Bancroft.
29:40And the name I use for my novels is Rosie M. Banks.
29:41I shall be very careful of what you say, young lady.
29:42The real Rosie M. Banks is Rosie M. Banks.
29:43I shall be very careful of what you say, young lady.
29:44The real Rosie M. Banks is Rosie M. Banks.
29:45I shall be very careful of what you say, young lady.
29:46The real Rosie M. Banks is in this room.
29:47Well, I know she is.
29:48It's quite all right, Lord Bittleson.
29:49Indeed, that book is inscribed by her.
29:50Him.
29:51Him?
29:52Who wrote this?
29:53She did.
29:54He did.
29:55Whoever wrote it had no right to do so.
29:56Come on, Rosie.
29:57Joke over.
29:58This is no joke, Richard.
29:59If someone's been forging my name, I'll be the first to know.
30:00I shall be very careful of what you say, young lady.
30:01The real Rosie M. Banks is in this room.
30:02Well, I know she is.
30:03It's quite all right, Lord Bittleson.
30:04Indeed, that book is inscribed by her.
30:05Him.
30:06Him?
30:07Who wrote this?
30:08She did.
30:09He did.
30:11Come on, Rosie.
30:12Joke over.
30:13This is no joke, Richard.
30:14If someone's been forging my name, I'll be the first to know.
30:15But you're a waitress.
30:16Only whilst I was gathering material for my new book.
30:17This is an outrage.
30:18And in the worst possible taste, Mr. Worcester.
30:19I'm sorry that the woman my nephew has chosen to marry
30:20should be so lost to ordinary common decency
30:21as to attempt to perpetrate such a deception.
30:22How dare you?
30:23Wait a minute.
30:24Wait a minute.
30:25If you're Rosie M. Banks, why didn't you tell me?
30:26I was going to, but I was so touched by the fact
30:27that you seem to love me for myself
30:28that I began to doubt myself.
30:29I was going to, but I was so touched by the fact
30:30that you seem to love me for myself
30:31that I began to doubt myself.
30:32How dare you?
30:33Wait a minute.
30:34Wait a minute.
30:35If you're Rosie M. Banks, why didn't you tell me?
30:36I was going to, but I was so touched by the fact
30:37that you seem to love me for myself
30:38that I put it off until we got back to London.
30:39And now I have to put up
30:40with this fat relative of yours abusing me.
30:41How dare you, madam?
30:42That man so bravely standing there
30:43deserves an immediate apology.
30:44What man?
30:45This is all most interesting, Mr. Dobson.
30:46I thought you might find it so, Mr. Johnson.
30:47I thought you might find it so, Mr. Johnson.
30:48I thought you might find it so, Mr. Johnson.
30:49I thought you might find it so, Mr. Johnson.
30:50I thought you might find it so, Mr. Johnson.
30:51This is all most interesting, Mr. Dobson.
30:55I thought you might find it so, Mr. James.
30:57James, a swift retirement and repaired positions is in order.
31:06I shall follow a few steps behind if that is acceptable, sir.
31:10I should not like to be seen in association with that...hat.
31:16There's a gentleman waiting to see you, Mr. Worcester.
31:27Who?
31:28Mr. Waterbury.
31:29Bernie!
31:30Trix and me have been talking it over, and we both feel that a simple wedding would be
31:42best.
31:43No need for a lot of fuss and expense.
31:45Niagara Falls for the honeymoon.
31:47She's always wanted to see Niagara Falls.
31:49Mr. Waterbury, I'm afraid I don't quite catch your drift.
31:54Do I gather that Trixie's thinking of getting married?
31:56Now, wait a minute, Bernie.
31:58Didn't you introduce her to your gentleman friend as your fiancée?
32:01That was just a ruse.
32:03A what?
32:04Well, surely you explained it to her that I wanted her to pretend that we were engaged.
32:07What did I do that for?
32:10Fifty dollars?
32:11I don't remember any fifty dollars.
32:13All I remember is the love light in your eyes when you first saw her.
32:16I remember it as if it was only yesterday.
32:18Her snuggled up there in your lap, pouring forth words of love.
32:24Talking through your hats, Jas Waterbury.
32:26You've got your facts wrong.
32:27Wrong?
32:28I will trouble you to break it to Miss Waterbury that the wedding bells will not ring out.
32:33You don't want to marry Trixie?
32:35I wouldn't marry her with a ten-foot pole.
32:38Oh, God.
32:41This is really terrible.
32:43What am I going to say to that poor girl?
32:46You want to break the engagement after you've announced it in front of witnesses and all?
32:50Oh, the shame of it.
32:53But there wasn't any blasted engagement.
32:55Oh, I really hate these breach of promise cases.
32:58Hate them as if mere money could ever make life anything but a dreary desert for her
33:03after losing you.
33:05But fifteen thousand bucks may help.
33:08Now, look here, Mr. Waterbury.
33:10Or maybe twenty would be fairer.
33:13There's a despair and desolation to be taken into account.
33:17Despair and poppycock.
33:20You're a hard man, Bertie.
33:23I'll come and see you tomorrow and get you a decision.
33:27And if you still don't feel like writing that check, I'll ask a pal of mine to do what he
33:31can to persuade you.
33:33He's an all-in wrestler by the name of Porky Chub.
33:35Well, he's retired now because he broke a fellow's spine, but he's still in great shape.
33:39Oh, you should see him crack Brazil nuts with his fingers.
33:44Oh, he'll do anything for me.
33:47Good night, Mr. Worcester.
33:48Good night.
33:53Should I go and start packing, sir?
34:05Mr. and Mrs. Peter Bradbury.
34:11Anyone in for two feet?
34:12Not as far as I can see, sir.
34:24Well, so far, so good, eh, Jeeves?
34:26So far, so good, sir.
34:28This is the one.
34:29Never so rocky.
34:32Rocky?
34:32You know, up and down.
34:34Jeez, Trixie, we ain't even moving yet.
34:37Oh, Blair, we can start a new life away from Worcester, back in England with Daddy.
34:43But I thought your father had already been run out of England.
34:45Certainly not.
34:46There were some old stick-in-the-muds of the BMA who doubted the gloss-up method,
34:49but there was never any official complaint.
34:52This won't make any difference to us, will it, Inouye?
34:54Of course not, you silly goose.
34:58Well, well, well, here we are again, Jeeves, going home.
35:01Yes, indeed.
35:02What was it the fellow said about home, Jeeves?
35:04If you are alluding to the American poet John Howard Paine, sir,
35:07he compared it to its advantage with pleasures and palaces.
35:11He called it sweet and said there was no place like it.
35:32What are you drinking, Bertie?
35:34Oh, thank you, Bingham. Dry martini.
35:36How did you know who I was?
35:38That beard wouldn't convince a whelk.
35:40Rosie's going to London to consult her lawyers about suing you.
35:43What? What for?
35:45Impersonating the same person.
35:47My uncle's on board, too. He's going to be a witness.
35:50Well, why didn't you just tell them the truth?
35:52What?
35:53Well, I don't know, Bertie.
35:54I don't know.
35:55I don't know.
35:56I don't know.
35:57I don't know.
35:58I don't know.
35:59I don't know.
36:00Well, why didn't you just tell them the truth?
36:02What?
36:03And tell her that we worked the Rosie M. Bank squeeze
36:05to try and get me married to someone else.
36:07She said one of the things that first attracted her to me
36:10was the fact that I'd never been in love before.
36:12You didn't tell her that.
36:13Yes, I did.
36:14Great Scott.
36:15Anyway, they're both rather anxious to have a word with you.
36:19Oh, my hat.
36:20They don't know I'm on board, do they?
36:22Not yet.
36:23Ah, here's Rosie.
36:30Rosie.
36:32Who's that strange man with beard?
36:34Oh, I don't know.
36:35Some foreigner.
36:36He had a very funny walk.
36:46Lord Bittleson's on board, Jeeves.
36:47Yes, sir.
36:48I encountered his lordship late this afternoon.
36:50And Bingo says that Mrs. Bingo is going to sue me.
36:53His lordship intimated that such was the intention, sir.
36:55Well, what am I going to do, Jeeves?
36:57I can't go into court.
36:59Did you say something, Jeeves?
37:01No, sir.
37:03That's funny.
37:07There it is again.
37:21It's the people next door, Jeeves.
37:23I seem to know that voice.
37:24We've got to do the plan my way.
37:26That way we don't have no trouble from anyone.
37:29No trouble.
37:30Right.
37:32Did you find out where he is?
37:33Sure.
37:34I was just discussing it with Porky.
37:36He's in the next cabin, number 16.
37:38Next door?
37:40You're talking about me, Jeeves.
37:42Surely not, sir.
37:43It's got to be a pushover.
37:45Me and Porky are going to go there tonight and have a little word.
37:51They're going to...
37:55It's...
37:57They're going to be...
37:59Drink this, sir.
38:02And he'd do anything for me.
38:06It's Waterbury.
38:07The theatrical agent, sir?
38:09Waterbury is talking to Porky Jupp.
38:10Waterbury and Porky Jupp are on the other side of that wall
38:13talking about coming in here tonight and having a little word.
38:16Well, we know what that means.
38:17As far as I can gather from Waterbury,
38:19the only three words that Porky Jupp knows are biff, bash and bludgeon.
38:22Well, I'm off.
38:23Where to, sir?
38:24You think I'm going to stay here and have my skull cracked like a Brazil nut?
38:27You're very much mistaken.
38:29I'm going to sleep in a lifeboat.
38:54Don't I know you?
38:55Bertie.
38:56Glossop, what are you doing here?
38:58She's after me, Bertie.
38:59I just found out she's on board.
39:01Who is?
39:02Myrtle is. Myrtle Snap.
39:03I thought you were going to marry her.
39:06Come with me to my cabin, Bertie, and I'll explain.
39:19I can't do it, Bertie.
39:20You seemed all lovey-dovey.
39:21That was before.
39:22As soon as we announced our marriage, she changed.
39:25It was only yesterday morning.
39:27I know, Bertie.
39:28And yesterday afternoon, she showed her hand.
39:30She went out and bought me a dozen pairs of Argyle socks.
39:33Those tartan jobs?
39:35Rather doggy.
39:36Perhaps so, but not with my striped trousers.
39:39Couldn't you just not wear them?
39:41Well, I could have, Bertie.
39:42But Myrtle becomes so bitter and resentful.
39:44She also announced that in future,
39:46coffee will be served with dinner in the cabin.
39:48That in future, coffee will be served with dinner instead of wine.
39:51Oh, I see.
39:52I realised she'd become a tyrant, Bertie.
39:54I suddenly had a vision of our life together,
39:56stretching away across the years,
39:57with me prancing about in tartan socks with caffeine poisoning.
40:01Not a pretty picture.
40:02But she's followed me, Bertie.
40:04I saw her earlier going into cabin 27 on the corner.
40:08Roderick!
40:10No, no, no, I'm sorry, but I've had an idea.
40:12For reasons I'm not going to go into now, I too am being pursued.
40:15Why don't you and I swap cabins?
40:18Brilliant, Bertie.
40:19Roderick?
40:47Roderick?
40:50Hello?
40:52It's your little Myrtle Worthy.
40:55Little who?
41:06I think you'll find that you have all you require for the morning, sir.
41:09Yes, thank you, Jeeves.
41:10I'll bid you good night then, sir.
41:11Good night.
41:12Good night, sir.
41:19We want to see Worcester.
41:20Yeah.
41:21I regret that Mr. Worcester is not at home, gentlemen.
41:24Oh, don't give me that.
41:25Don't give him that.
41:31Who are you?
41:32Well, who the hell are you?
41:34Where's Worcester?
41:35Where's Worcester?
41:36I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
41:39Oh, no?
41:40Porky, you ask him.
41:42You mean really ask him?
41:44Sure.
41:45But no blood.
41:46No blood, sure.
41:47Now, gentlemen, I'm sure we can settle this matter amicably.
41:50Sure we can.
41:51Very well, very well.
41:53Mr. Worcester...
41:54No, Jeeves.
41:55...is in cabin 27, the cabin on the corner.
41:59I'm sorry, Mr. Roderick.
42:02Come on, Porky.
42:09Desperate measures seem to be called for.
42:18Okay, Worcester.
42:19This is it.
42:22James Waterbury.
42:25After 15 years.
42:29Rudolph!
42:30You no good to me.
42:33Come back here, you snake.
42:35I'll haul you to every corner of the land.
42:37I'll get you for this.
42:38Can you hear me?
42:39Come back here.
42:40Can you hear me?
42:42What's going on, Porky?
42:44His wife caught up with him.
42:46His wife?
42:47His wife!
42:50We can get married in England, just as well as in America.
42:53Yeah, I suppose so.
42:58That's her.
42:59That's Worcester's fiancée.
43:01That's my fiancée.
43:02That's my fiancée.
43:03That's my fiancée.
43:04That's my fiancée.
43:05That's my fiancée.
43:06That's my fiancée.
43:07That's my fiancée.
43:08That's my fiancée.
43:09That's my fiancée.
43:10That's Worcester's fiancée.
43:12Are you sure?
43:13Sure, I'm sure.
43:16Right.
43:20It's no good you making that row.
43:22You've behaved disgracefully.
43:24He's married.
43:26Married?
43:27He's already married.
43:32Oh!
43:34Oh!
43:38You won't get away from me again, Whiteberry!
43:41You won't get away from me, Whiteberry!
43:43Ah, the pleasures of marriage, eh, Jeeves?
43:45Quite so, sir.
43:46But how did you find out that he was still married to Myrtle Snapp?
43:48From Mr. Thompson, the butler, sir.
43:50She had been searching for him for some considerable time,
43:52since he ran off with Trixie.
43:53He was actually going to make me commit bigamy!
43:55And wear Argyle socks.
43:57Ah, Jeeves!
43:58Worcester!
43:59Ah, yes, Lord Middleton.
44:01I wanted a word, as a matter of fact.
44:03And I want much more than just a word with you, sir.
44:05There he is!
44:07I want a word with you.
44:09Yes, yes, he was all a mix-up.
44:11You deliberately went out of your way to deceive me.
44:13No, no.
44:14You brought my reputation into disrepute.
44:16Oh, surely not.
44:18Bertie!
44:19I want a word with you, Bertie.
44:21A word?
44:22You're to make an honest woman of poor little Trixie.
44:25Oh, yes!
44:32Um, Jeeves, do you have anything to suggest?
44:35Just one thing, sir.
44:39Oh!
45:02Easy on the soda, Jeeves.
45:04Very good, sir.
45:05Eight and a half months without a drink may be a drone's record.
45:08Congratulations, sir.
45:09Well, your jolly good health, Jeeves.
45:11Thank you, sir.
45:12Ah, and well rode.
45:14It's good of you to say so, sir.
45:16Though there was perhaps a little too much of it for my taste.
45:19Oh, Jeeves, this is not the time for recriminations.
45:21Very good, sir.
45:23My navigation was impeccable throughout.
45:25Very good, sir.
45:27Very good, sir.
45:29I must say,
45:30coming across the Great Barrier Reef like that was a bit of a shock.
45:34Do you recall that long, narrow stretch of waterway
45:37that you insisted was the Serpentine, sir?
45:40Jeeves...
45:41It was, in fact, as I suggested at the time, sir,
45:44the Panama Canal.
45:45Jeeves, it was hardly my fault
45:47that the compass was of unconventional design.
45:50Again, pardon me for saying so, sir,
45:52but most compasses do point north.
45:54Jeeves, let's not start this tedious argument again.
45:57Very good, sir.
45:58Get the arrow pointing towards the sun
46:00and then you read off the direction,
46:02what with the dial thing.
46:03That's what the letters are there for.
46:05If you say so, sir.
46:06Well, I think I shall go and have a bath.
46:08Another one of those, Jeeves.
46:10Very good, sir.
46:12Ah, the old 42nd Street skimmer, Jeeves.
46:15Quite so, sir.
46:16Only it had a voice. What a tale it could tell.
46:18But you always get your way in the end, Jeeves.
46:21Give it to some deserving cause, will you?
46:23I shall do my best, sir.
46:25Will you be dining in tonight, sir?
46:27Ah, yes, why not?
46:30But, Jeeves...
46:31Sir?
46:34Not fish, I think.
46:36Very good, sir.