Telling my friend that she is making her fiancé miserable
Telling my friend that she is making her fiancé miserable
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00:00I, 21F, recently got into a pretty heated argument with my friend, 22F, regarding her
00:07engagement to her fiancé, 30M. For some background info, me and my friend, Carrie, have been
00:14on and off friends since middle school, but over the last three years, have become really
00:20close and I would consider her a best friend. I love her, but she is definitely one to be
00:26dramatic and overreactive. I've always thought that, but it has been overwhelmingly hard
00:31to handle for the past year. About a year into her relationship with her fiancé, Sean,
00:37she started to obsess over the idea of getting engaged. She would constantly ask friends
00:43and family if Sean had mentioned wanting to propose, would go through his bags during
00:47every trip they took to see if he had a ring hidden somewhere, and would sob to Sean and
00:52anyone who would listen after any major holiday or event, wondering why he wouldn't propose
00:58because it was the perfect opportunity. During a night out with Sean, Carrie, and one of
01:03his friends, Carrie texted me begging for me to talk to Sean privately about when he
01:08was going to propose. Knowing she wouldn't drop it, I texted Sean and said at some point
01:13that night I would need to talk to him. Eventually, I got him alone and explained that he didn't
01:18need to tell me anything, but that Carrie wanted me to ask about thoughts on engagement.
01:24He told me that he's gotten to the point where he is going to propose to make her happy
01:28and that it will be about two months from when our convo took place. Now, they are engaged,
01:33but the issues have not gone away. Now, Carrie is obsessed with wedding planning and Sean
01:38has shared with me that he feels overwhelmed by her even more so now. Sean isn't allowed
01:43to go out for drinks once a week after work or play video games like he usually does because
01:48of the wedding. Yesterday, I was over at their shared place because Sean was golfing
01:52and Carrie didn't want to be alone. At one point, she looked at his location, then pulled
01:58up a map of the golf course online and asked me to help her figure out what hole he was
02:03on. I told her it looked like he was on hole 8, which upset her because he had already
02:08been golfing for a while and she assumed he would be close to done. She proceeded to call
02:13him 32 times in a row until he answered and then sobbed when he picked up and told him
02:18he needed to come home now because he had been out for too long. After their argument
02:23over the phone, I couldn't stop myself from the comment I made which was, don't you think
02:28you're making Sean a little miserable? This obviously didn't go over well. She sobbed
02:33and yelled at me saying I just didn't understand how much she loves him. I left and we haven't
02:39talked in a couple days. I regret what I said, but I don't necessarily think I'm wrong.
02:45My overall concern is that I have definitely become too involved in their relationship,
02:50I have definitely become the middle man.
02:53Comment 1. Your friend is engaging in controlling and emotionally manipulative behavior in an
02:58attempt to force her fiancé into a predetermined set of actions. She doesn't love him, at most,
03:05she loves some idealized version of him that doesn't respect his autonomy. If it's not
03:10abusive yet, it's certainly close.
03:13NTA. You have every right to say something, this kind of thing is the business of anyone
03:19who recognizes it. Perhaps Carrie might benefit from counseling, perhaps not, but your primary
03:25obligation is to help Sean, who is the one showing the signs of being victimized.
03:31Comment 2. NTA. Sean should run before she gets pregnant. But he did bring this on himself
03:38by choosing to get involved with someone who's 8 years younger than him because the emotional
03:42and mental maturity aren't their chief. 22 is still very much in that go-out partying
03:48every weekend and get completely wasted because you're in your party animal phase of life.
03:53I'm a single 30-year-old woman, and there is no way I'm getting romantically involved
03:58with a guy who's 3 or more years younger than me. If a guy would be my age or up to 2 years
04:04younger than me, I'd be more likely to consider it.
04:08Comment 3. NTA. You're a good friend for saying something, but sounds like she's unlikely
04:14to change. Years ago a friend of mine was floored when her husband left her. I went
04:20over to spend time with her and his BF. She cried and cried. Clueless. I don't understand.
04:28I do everything for him. I even put his toothpaste on his toothpaste. I tried to tell her that
04:34it sounded like she was smothering him. She's on marriage number 5 now. Never taken my advice
04:40on therapy either.
04:42For background, I, 24F, am not Nigerian. My husband, 27M, is. My husband comes from a
04:53strict traditional family, I do not. My husband and I don't have a traditional marriage and
04:58we are both fine with this. I have a much bigger salary than my husband, this allows
05:03us to live a wealthy lifestyle that we could not afford with just his job. I also don't
05:08really enjoy cooking or cleaning, he does most of it happily. We also don't want children
05:14even though his family is pressing us about when I will be pregnant. Before my husband
05:19and I got married, he made me promise to pretend to be a traditional housewife only when I'm
05:24around his parents so we can marry. Because I was not Nigerian, I was afraid his parents
05:30would not let us marry at all but when I told them I want to marry their son so I can take
05:34care of him, cook, clean, and nurture his children they agreed. Keeping this promise
05:40was easy. We only saw his parents 2-3 times a year and we would mostly visit their home.
05:47His parents don't know I work and they think my husband's job provides us with our lifestyle.
05:52Recently we had a scheduled 5-day visit to his parents where we would stay at their house.
05:58I took off work like I usually do for these visits and practiced cooking Nigerian dishes
06:03and being the perfect housewife. A few days before we went to their house, my mother-in-law
06:08called us saying she was ill. Nothing serious, just the common cold, but she is very dramatic
06:15and said we should not come because she will get us sick and to reschedule the visit.
06:19We rescheduled for 2 weeks later. This would be fine if I did not have a work conference.
06:26I was chosen to attend a leadership conference by my work and this was a huge deal to me.
06:32I would be gone for 2 days. I cannot express how big this was to me and my husband was
06:37very happy for me. I found out about the conference months in advance and I did not want to miss
06:43it. I told my husband that he would have to reschedule with his parents because I will
06:48not be missing this conference for anything. He said his parents wouldn't let us reschedule
06:53and I will just have to miss my thing. This made me very upset because it was a huge honor
06:59and I have been excited about it for months. He reminded me of my promise and how I will
07:04have to miss it. I told him no way and went to the conference then to his parents' house
07:09and I told them I was visiting my mom who wasn't feeling well. His patents were upset
07:15at me because apparently my, imaginary, sick mom can wait and my husband needs to control
07:20his wife more. We returned home and he was extremely upset at me saying I broke our promise.
07:27Later, I heard him talking on the phone to his brother in Hausa saying that he should
07:31never have married me and should have married who his parents picked for him and said that
07:35he is considering divorce, though he never said any of this to me.
07:40Comment 1. N.T.A. I don't say your marriage working with H.A. will become more and more
07:46like his parents. Also what if you have kids, will they have to lie too? What kind of values
07:52you will be teaching them? His parents are selfish and he is an enabler. Girl you should
07:58be the one thinking of divorce. To quote the movie Crazy Rich Asians it's not my job to
08:03make you feel like a man, I can't make you feel something you are not I bet you in the
08:07future, he may even take a second Nigerian wife in secret. Girl wake up he is demning
08:12your light. Deep down he is like his parents, it will get worse with age. Get out before
08:18you have kids and waste your youth on him.
08:21Comment 2. It sounds like he is using you for your money. He gets to benefit from it
08:27by living a life of wealth, and leading his parents to believe that it is all from his
08:31hard work while you stay home and cook. To heck with that. He should be proud of you
08:37and want to shout it from the rooftops, mom and dad, look at my amazing wife. I am so
08:43proud of her. She was chosen to attend a leadership conference because of all of her hard work
08:49and I am in awe of her continued accomplishments. Dash greater than that is a supportive man.
08:56Leave him. Find yourself a man who supports you and doesn't want you to shrink yourself
09:01to make himself look bigger. Comment 3. You should divorce. You're living a lie with
09:07a man who's too scared of his parents to love you out loud. Where are your friends and family
09:13that didn't try to stop you from agreeing to this? NTA, but you are if you stay. Follow
09:19up what happens when you have kids? Are they going to have to keep up this lie as well?
09:27My friend, 27F, asked me, 28F, to be one of her bridesmaids for her wedding. She was
09:34my maid of honor two years ago, and before that, we'd always say we'd beat each other's
09:39maid of honor, we've been friends for 20 years. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid, it stung
09:45a bit, to be honest, but seeing as she has a twin sister that she is close to, it made
09:50sense that she should be her maid of honor. The issue I really had with this is that at
09:55one point, before I did barely anything as a bridesmaid, she told me, you don't have
10:00to stand with the other bridesmaids during the wedding. I found it weird that she was
10:05saying that, but I replied, no, I want to be there with all of you. After a bit of back
10:10and forth, she admitted she doesn't want me standing there with everyone because of my
10:15fear of being the center of attention and my social anxiety. She was worried that I
10:20would have a panic attack just like I did standing there at my own wedding. Honestly,
10:26it was bad during my wedding because I was shaking and couldn't breathe, and everyone's
10:30terrified reaction made it even worse for me. I had to leave and come back to just me,
10:36my husband, and my mother to continue our vows and such while everyone else moved on
10:41for the reception. I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel
10:45embarrassed. I've been to therapy since then and have made huge progress regarding my social
10:51anxiety and my best friend knows this. I felt hurt that she didn't trust me enough to let
10:57me stand with the others. I told her I was so much calmer and less anxious now, and I
11:02won't even be the center of attention like I was when I was the bride. She said she acknowledged
11:07my improvement but just doesn't want to take chances. She said she doesn't want to embarrass
11:13me again and that she would just feel worried about me the whole time, and was also worried
11:18that I would ruin the mood of the wedding if I did happen to have a panic attack. I
11:22eventually told her that I'd just rather be a guest if I can't do all the bridesmaid stuff.
11:28On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I
11:33was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt
11:37so left out. Now she is very mad at me for making her feel bad at her wedding. She thinks
11:43I was trying to hurt her and make her feel guilty because of what she thinks was a reasonable
11:48request. I didn't mean to hurt her but I just couldn't go because I was overwhelmed with
11:53hurt. The people I've talked to are all divided on who is the a-hole in this situation. I
11:59feel bad for ruining her mood on her wedding day but I still feel what she asked of me
12:04was hurtful.
12:05Comment 1. YTA. Are you aware that you basically proved her point? She was worried that your
12:12emotions would get the best of you and that's exactly what happened. You were so overwhelmed
12:17with sadness that you couldn't bring yourself to attend her wedding even though you said
12:21you would attend. Why should she trust that you wouldn't have a breakdown during her wedding?
12:27While you might have made some progress, I don't think you're as far removed from your
12:30struggles as you think.
12:33Comment 2. YTA. I feel like you're making this about you when at the end of the day,
12:39it's her wedding. I know this is a long-standing friendship, but this reads to me as the bride
12:44just trying to minimize the different things going on that are adding to her anxiety on
12:49what is for most people a pretty hectic day. It seems to me that she was trying to balance
12:54that along with including you. I also personally don't feel that being just a guest at someone's
12:59wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing. I think you should have gone to the
13:04ceremony and party and supported your friend.
13:08Comment 3. I.M53. Collect a lot of toys. Mostly LEGO these days but I have Kenner Action Figures
13:16and steel Tonka trucks. My basement is filled with my collection. I have a bunch of my old
13:23toys from when I was a kid that I rescued from my parents as well. My kids and I have
13:28a spreadsheet that we use to keep track of what belongs to whom. When they get houses
13:33or apartments big enough a good quarter of my collection will disappear. All three of
13:38them are adults but only the youngest is still at home. My sister waited until she was 42
13:44to have her first and only child. And he is a brat. She gives him anything he wants. Our
13:51parents also spoil him because he is 8 and I guess they like young grandchildren better
13:56than grown ones. It is the Canada Day weekend and my sister is visiting with her husband
14:02and brat. My parents live in a small apartment and I have a guest rooms so I am stuck hosting
14:08because they think a hotel is a waste. My son refuses to relinquish his little apartment
14:13above our garage so I am stuck with them in my house. Every time the visit my nephew insists
14:19on seeing my toys. I keep a few small LEGO sets around to placate him. He is actually
14:25a really loving kid and I love him. He is just spoiled. So I usually let him look around
14:32and then give him a set that we can build together over a couple of days while they
14:36visit. This time was different. He was looking in my display case and saw one of my minifigs
14:42that he wanted. It is worth about $2000. So obviously I said no. I have a set I can give
14:50him that has the new version of that figure so I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Nope,
14:55he lost his ducking mind. He had to have the one in my display case. I ushered everyone
15:02back upstairs and locked my basement. The kid would not shut up about my toy. My sister
15:08started getting upset that I was not sharing my toys with her precious baby. I told her
15:13I would sell it to her and she agreed to buy it. Then I told her how much it cost. She
15:19said I was lying so I showed her online. She said I tricked her into thinking she
15:24could give her son something he wanted. I said it wasn't a trick and I would sell it
15:29to her but then I would have to replace it. Everyone calmed down until our parents came
15:34over and my nephew went to them to say I wasn't sharing. They said to just give it to him.
15:40I offered to let them buy it but they already knew the cost. I tried tricking the kid by
15:45putting the new one where the old one was and letting him have it. He knew it wasn't
15:50the one he saw. Back upstairs and back to a tantrum. My kids were never like this so
15:56I didn't know what to do. Honestly I was sick of the whole ordeal by then. Kid came over
16:02sobbing and saying how he wished I loved him enough to give him that toy. I had had enough
16:07so I told him to wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one filled up first.
16:13The kid was shocked and finally understood I wasn't giving in. My parents and sister
16:18think I was gross to be so vulgar with a child. My brother-in-law laughed.
16:23Comment 1. NTA, though I don't necessarily agree with
16:27the final comment made to shut the kid up, it wasn't your responsibility to manage the
16:32kid's meltdown, and honestly you did your best to help resolve the situation before
16:36it got to a point of ridiculousness. The parents are the ones who failed in this situation.
16:42The earlier the kid starts to learn he can't get everything he wants the better off he
16:47will be going into adulthood.
16:49Comment 2. They can stay in a hotel next time, what are your parents going to do if you stand
16:55up for yourself? Ground you. They can kiss your butt. Stop hosting your entitled sister
17:02and her entitled spawn, they can go stay in a hotel. And I would not be surprised if they
17:07both act so spoiled that the hotel managers end up calling the police on them. But that's
17:13not your problem. Stop letting your family boss you around and enabling them to come
17:17into your home to destroy your prized possessions.