Soap Season 2 Episode 9
Soap Season 2 Episode 9
Transcript
00:00In the last episode of Soap, Chester came home from the hospital still not knowing who
00:06he is.
00:07But the major convinced him he's a colonel.
00:09With two loonies to look after, Benson would love to put them in the old soldier's home.
00:13When Jessica came home, Corinne told her she's pregnant, but she's afraid to tell Tim because
00:17he might leave home.
00:18Jody told Dennis since he's marrying Carol, he no longer considers Dennis' apartment home.
00:23Mary's professor drove her home and tried to take advantage of her.
00:26When Bert came home and saw them, he thought they were carrying on, so he left home, got
00:30drunk and went to Sally's home.
00:32Whatever happened to home sweet home?
00:34Confused?
00:35He won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:41This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:48These are the Tates.
00:51And these are the Campbells.
00:54And this is Soap.
01:24God, how could I do this to Mary?
01:44Mary, what Mary did at first, only doing what she did.
01:48Oh, my God, what have I done?
01:51I...
01:52Nothing, lady.
01:53Nothing, lady.
01:54I don't remember.
01:55I...
01:56Maybe I didn't do it.
01:57Morning, King Kong.
01:58Did I do it?
01:59Sleep well?
02:00I don't know.
02:01You don't know?
02:02I think so, yeah, probably.
02:03I certainly slept well.
02:04Oh, good.
02:05I'm glad.
02:06Sleep is good.
02:07It was the best, Bert.
02:08It was the best ever.
02:09Sleep was wonderful.
02:10That's true.
02:11I'm not talking about sleep.
02:12Oh, wait.
02:13Are you sure?
02:14I'm sure.
02:15I'm sure.
02:16I'm sure.
02:17I'm sure.
02:18I'm sure.
02:19I'm sure.
02:20I'm sure.
02:21I'm sure.
02:22I'm sure.
02:23Wait.
02:24Are you sure I was here?
02:25Oh, Bert.
02:26I don't remember.
02:27You're kidding.
02:28No.
02:29I'm sorry.
02:30I...
02:31Oh, God.
02:32How could I do this?
02:33I feel so guilty.
02:34Oh, Bert, come on.
02:35There's no reason to feel guilty.
02:36Are you kidding?
02:37No reason?
02:38There's a very good reason.
02:39Oh, my head.
02:40Oh, you see that?
02:41I'm so guilty.
02:42I got a splitting headache.
02:43It's a hangover.
02:44Anyway, why should you feel guilty?
02:45You haven't done anything your wife didn't do.
02:46If anything, you should be ashamed of yourself.
02:47It's a hangover.
02:48Anyway, why should you feel guilty?
02:49You haven't done anything your wife didn't do.
02:50If anything, you should be ashamed of yourself.
02:53You should be angry.
02:54That's right.
02:55I should be angry, not guilty.
02:56Angry, and I am.
02:57I'm really angry.
02:58I'm good and angry.
02:59But I'm guilty.
03:00I'm also guilty, and I'm angry.
03:01You're more angry than guilty.
03:02I'm confused.
03:03That's what I am.
03:04I'm confused.
03:05I've got to get...
03:06It's morning.
03:07I've got to get out of here.
03:08What am I going to tell Mary?
03:09Make something up.
03:10I was kidnapped.
03:11I'll tell her I was kidnapped.
03:12She'll never believe that.
03:13I've got to get out of here.
03:14I'll make up something on the way home in the car.
03:15It'll be good.
03:16I hope so, because it isn't going to be easy to explain the outfit.
03:17How can I say?
03:19Benson, can you pour me some coffee, please?
03:20Tim, that's your 11th cup.
03:21I need my wits about me today.
03:22There's not that much coffee in the world.
03:23Tim, would you just relax?
03:24Relax?
03:25How can I relax?
03:26My first day of work since I left the priesthood.
03:27What am I qualified to do?
03:28Bless?
03:29Bert and Danny gave me this job because they felt sorry for me.
03:30Oh, Tim, that's not true.
03:31All my life, I've been a good boy.
03:32I've been a good boy.
03:33I've been a good boy.
03:34I've been a good boy.
03:35I've been a good boy.
03:36I've been a good boy.
03:37I've been a good boy.
03:38I've been a good boy.
03:39I've been a good boy.
03:40I've been a good boy.
03:41I've been a good boy.
03:42I've been a good boy.
03:43I've been a good boy.
03:44I've been a good boy.
03:45I've been a good boy.
03:46I've been a good boy.
03:47I've been a good boy.
03:48I've been a good boy.
03:49I've been a good boy.
03:50I've been a good boy.
03:51I've been a good boy.
03:52I've been a good boy.
03:53I've been a good boy.
03:54I've been a good boy.
03:55I've been a good boy.
03:56I've been a good boy.
03:57I've been a good boy.
03:58I've been a good boy.
03:59I've been a good boy.
04:00I've been a good boy.
04:01I've been a good boy.
04:02I've been a good boy.
04:03I've been a good boy.
04:04I've been a good boy.
04:05He's 100% better than last night.
04:07Really?
04:08Yes.
04:09He called me by my right name.
04:10Oh, that's wonderful.
04:11Yes.
04:12He said, good morning, Jessica.
04:13Me too.
04:14He saw me in the hall, waved, and said, good morning, Jessica.
04:18Oh, Simpson, get me General Eisenhower on the phone.
04:26Imagine Colonel Tate trying to wrangle a discharge by pretending to be Marlene Dietrich.
04:32Falling in love again.
04:35Never wanted to.
04:37What am I to do?
04:39I can't help it.
04:41Traitor.
04:42Traitor?
04:43You call Marlene Dietrich a traitor?
04:44After all the time I've given to the troops?
04:48Good morning.
04:54What's going on?
05:02This is another one of those times when nobody says anything until I'm out of the room.
05:05It's okay.
05:06I'll go.
05:07I'll find someone to talk to.
05:08Maybe after school I'll get married and buy a condominium.
05:10Then my wife and I can invite you over for dinner, and we can leave so you can talk.
05:15Goodbye, Jessica.
05:18Daddy, why are you acting like Marlene Dietrich?
05:22Who should I act like, Eleanor Roosevelt?
05:25But who told you you were Marlene Dietrich?
05:31Well, it's a hell of a lot safer than blowing up the damn neighborhood.
05:41Well, that's true.
05:43Isn't anyone going to ask what you've seen?
05:46I don't think so, dear.
05:48Miss Dietrich, why don't I take you upstairs and you can relax?
05:52Falling in love again.
05:55Never wanted to.
05:57Come on, Tim.
05:58I'll drive you to work, okay?
06:00Thanks.
06:05You okay?
06:07Oh, Benson, I just don't think I can do it.
06:10I just don't think I can go on acting cheerful.
06:13Well, then stop.
06:14If I stop acting cheerful, I'll cry.
06:17Then cry.
06:18I can't.
06:19Why not?
06:20In front of you?
06:21Well, I'll leave the room.
06:23Cry alone?
06:25Well, I'll stay here and cover my eyes.
06:28I haven't cried in a long time.
06:30Well, you sure deserve a good one.
06:32Okay.
06:33I'm going to do it.
06:34Good.
06:43I can't.
06:44Sure you can.
06:45No, I can't.
06:46You're trying too hard.
06:47No, that's not it.
06:48What is it, then?
06:49I don't have to anymore.
06:50Why not?
06:52You cheered me up.
06:54Good.
06:55Thank you, Benson.
06:56Anytime.
07:03Good morning.
07:04Want some more coffee?
07:05This is my 25th cup.
07:08I haven't blinked since midnight.
07:11What's the matter?
07:12Bert didn't come home.
07:14He's dead, I know it.
07:17Come on, Ma.
07:18He's not dead.
07:19I'm sure there's some logical explanation.
07:21Sure.
07:22Like death.
07:25He's lying dead in an alley someplace.
07:27Some maniac probably killed him for a chiclet.
07:32He probably just fell asleep at the office.
07:35I called the office all night.
07:37He's not at the office.
07:38He's dead.
07:39He's not dead.
07:41I called the police at 4 o'clock this morning.
07:42Did you know that a person isn't a missing person for 72 hours?
07:47He's dead.
07:49Well, why didn't you wake me up?
07:50I didn't want to disturb you.
07:51Disturb me?
07:52Bert's dead, and you don't want to disturb me?
07:54He's not dead.
07:55How dare you say something like that?
07:57Oh, Bert.
07:59Where have you been?
08:01Are you all right?
08:02What happened?
08:04You didn't hear?
08:08No.
08:09What?
08:11About the airplane?
08:13No.
08:14It wasn't on the news?
08:16I didn't watch the news.
08:18What happened?
08:19Last night, I'm driving home, right?
08:20You know, along that highway?
08:21All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a plane lands right there in the middle of the highway.
08:29Nobody could move.
08:30I mean, the thing took up the whole road.
08:35I mean, two Hondas, a Datsun, and a Subaru got through.
08:38They drove under the wind.
08:42I thought for sure you would see me on television.
08:44I mean, there was a television crew there, and I waved.
08:49You mean you had to stay there all night?
08:51Well, they asked for volunteers.
08:54To help take the wings off the plane so the traffic could get through.
08:58Let me tell you, that's not an easy job.
09:00They really put those wings on pretty tight.
09:04Well, as long as you're alive, I'm going to go to work.
09:08If you'd been dead, I was going to knock off a half a day out of respect.
09:11Oh, thanks.
09:12Goodbye, Ma.
09:13Get some sleep.
09:17I hope you weren't too worried.
09:20I'm so glad you're home.
09:23Now, what do you want for breakfast?
09:25Oh, anything. I don't care. Anything.
09:27A couple of legs over easy Canadian bacon crisps.
09:29I don't toast. A little tangerine juice.
09:33So, uh, what's new?
09:36Nothing much.
09:37No?
09:38No.
09:39What did you do yesterday?
09:41Nothing much.
09:42No?
09:43No.
09:44I thought you went to school.
09:46Oh, that's right, I did. I forgot.
09:48You forgot? How do you forget school?
09:51Well, I've been up all night. My brain is like these eggs.
09:54So, how is school?
09:56It's okay, I guess.
09:58How's your professor?
10:01My professor?
10:02Yeah, the good-looking professor.
10:04He's all right, I guess.
10:05Yeah, that's the good-looking, charming professor.
10:08What?
10:09Nothing.
10:11Oh.
10:13Mary, is there anything, uh, you want to say to me?
10:16No.
10:17You sure?
10:19Well...
10:21Yeah.
10:23You mean there's nothing you think that we ought to discuss?
10:26No.
10:29Is there anything you want to discuss?
10:34Yeah.
10:36What?
10:44I don't want any eggs, nothing, no crackers, nothing.
10:47I ate on the plane.
10:58Are they serious?
11:00What?
11:02You know what they have in here?
11:04Queen Bee hormones.
11:06Now, how the hell do you suppose they go about getting that?
11:09Carefully.
11:13Mine's made from cow placenta.
11:18You peel it off, you fall in love with a heifer.
11:22If you laugh, my face will crack.
11:28Listen, did you hear about an airplane landing on the highway last night?
11:33No, what happened?
11:35Oh, I don't know.
11:38If I'd done this ten years ago, I'd have cheekbones by now.
11:43I always wanted to do this, you know?
11:45To have...
11:47Like a mother, and then we'd do this sort of thing.
11:50My mother died when I was six, so we never got around to face masks.
11:54Well, I never had a daughter.
11:56And the boys never wanted to do this.
11:59Well, Jody, once.
12:03It's, uh, it's like having a mother.
12:07It's like having a daughter.
12:09I'm just sorry it took so long to happen.
12:11Oh, I'm so glad it did.
12:18Bert, Bert, look at this.
12:21All this space here on top of this building?
12:23Yeah, that's where we put the heating unit.
12:25Most of this is wasted space.
12:27So?
12:28So, so you put on a coat of paint, you hang a few lamps, and bang!
12:31Instant office space.
12:33Office space, office space?
12:35That office space is only four feet high.
12:39I'm way ahead of you, Bert.
12:42Midgets.
12:47Midgets?
12:48Yeah, yeah, we rent it out to midgets.
12:51Midgets?
12:52Bert, I'm telling you, it's a great idea.
13:00Hi.
13:06Hi.
13:09How's everything?
13:10Perfect.
13:12Great.
13:13No problems? Everything's okay?
13:15Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better.
13:18Is that cement?
13:20Oh, yeah, Bert, it's cement.
13:22Oh, well, as long as everything's okay.
13:24Fine.
13:26Tim, is that blood?
13:27Where?
13:28On your nose.
13:29Oh, yeah, that's blood. A little blood on my nose.
13:32Okay.
13:33Great.
13:34Great.
13:35A little cement, a little blood on my nose. Fine.
13:38How did you get the blood on your nose?
13:40From falling. I think from falling.
13:42You fell?
13:43In the cement.
13:45How did you fall?
13:46When the guy yelled, help.
13:47When what guy yelled help?
13:48The guy who fell first.
13:52How did he fall?
13:53He slipped.
13:54How did he slip, Tim?
13:55When the baloney dropped out of my lunch pail.
13:58You reached out to grab him? Then you fell.
14:01Did you see it happen?
14:02No, I've been in this business a long time, Tim.
14:04Then I tripped.
14:05On the baloney.
14:07You guys are uncanny.
14:09What happened to the other guy? The guy who fell?
14:11Oh, he's okay. He landed in the big sand thing.
14:14Truck?
14:15Right, the truck. It broke his thermos.
14:18I'll bet.
14:20Well, I've taken enough of your time.
14:23It's all right. You just drop by anytime you like, Tim.
14:25Actually, I came by to quit.
14:27I wrote my resignation on the baloney wrapper.
14:30Yeah, well, everything seems to be in order.
14:33You forgot the date.
14:34No, there it is. It's right there.
14:36So you ask the date, the baloney expires.
14:40I'll see you.
14:41Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
14:42What are you doing? What are you quitting?
14:43Come on. Aren't you happy here?
14:45I'm a jinx.
14:46Tim, you're not a jinx.
14:48Look, I almost killed somebody today.
14:50I already have my mother's blood on my hands.
14:53I think you're both terrific.
14:54And I'll never forget what you did.
14:57I think you're both terrific.
14:58And I'll never forget what you've done for me.
15:00But for everybody involved, it's better if I go.
15:03Goodbye.
15:04So long.
15:06And thanks.
15:11I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.
15:13I don't think he was cut out for this kind of work.
15:15Yeah, I guess so.
15:16But, Bert, about my idea for the office space for the midgets.
15:19Midgets? Will you stop with the midgets?
15:21Midgets get office space for free, Danny.
15:23They do?
15:24Of course. Well, you never heard of the Small Business Administration?
15:31Open mine. Open mine.
15:40Thank you.
15:41I hope you like it.
15:42I hope it helps.
15:45Well, I hope that's the last present so you all can just clear out of there.
15:49I was wondering.
15:50Did anyone happen to hear about a plane that landed on the highway?
15:54No, no, I don't.
15:55Okay, that's it. Party's over. Up and out.
15:57No more coffee.
16:00I got so many lovely presents.
16:02Thank you so much.
16:03Thank you very much. That's very nice.
16:05Good luck and goodbye.
16:08Benson, we are not finished yet. I want to make a toast.
16:11With what? You don't have anything in your hand.
16:13It doesn't work otherwise?
16:15No.
16:16It'll work.
16:17It'll work, Mother.
16:20I want to make a toast to Jody and Carol.
16:24May they be as happy as we all are.
16:32Well, perhaps that wasn't the correct toast to make.
16:35It was a lovely toast, Jess.
16:37Oh, Mary, I don't know.
16:39I mean, look at all of us.
16:41I'm married to a man who doesn't remember.
16:44Eunice is in love with an escaped convict.
16:47Corinne is married to a depressed ex-priest.
16:51Carol is going to marry a homosexual.
16:56And Elaine is married to somebody who had to marry her or get killed.
17:01You're the only one, Mary, with a normal marriage.
17:05So, I think that the toast should be,
17:08may everyone end up with as beautiful a marriage as Mary's.
17:14Well, I guess that wasn't the correct toast to make, either.
17:19Eunice, please take everyone out in the kitchen and show them the refrigerator.
17:23Yes, yes.
17:24Come, come, girls. You'll see the refrigerator.
17:26Oh, good. You know, I've never seen your refrigerator.
17:28Oh, it's a terrific refrigerator.
17:29I love refrigerators.
17:32Oh, Mary, what is it?
17:39Bert is having an affair.
17:41Bert is having an affair.
17:43Oh, no.
17:44Yes.
17:45Are you sure?
17:47He's been working later and later, and the other night, he stayed out all night.
17:52He came home with this cockamamie story about a plane landing on the highway.
17:56And when he came home that morning, Jess, he had already showered.
18:02How do you know?
18:03His hair was damp.
18:05He smelled of soap.
18:07A woman's soap.
18:08A woman's soap.
18:11Men are so dumb to shower.
18:16I mean, Chester used to come home after a long, hard day's work smelling better than when he left.
18:24How could he do it, Jess? How could he do that to me?
18:32Mary, you have to talk to him.
18:35Are you kidding?
18:36Oh, Mary, you have to.
18:38I mean, one affair doesn't mean the end of a marriage.
18:42I mean, if it did, Chester and I would have been finished on the honeymoon.
18:47On your honeymoon?
18:50Well, looking back, probably.
18:55Because I...
18:57I really can't think of any other reason for the chambermaid's underpanties to end up in my suitcase.
19:03Oh, Jess.
19:07It hurts, Mary.
19:09I know.
19:11I know.
19:13And you feel so ugly and clumsy and stupid.
19:19So self-conscious you don't even want to walk around in front of him.
19:22You don't even want to talk in front of him.
19:25And you're sure he hates you and everything's all over.
19:29But it isn't.
19:31It isn't, Mary.
19:34It feels like it is.
19:37I know.
19:39I know.
19:41Isn't this nice?
19:45Nice?
19:47My husband is having an affair and you're calling it nice?
19:50But you know what is nice about it, Mary?
19:52I always come running to you for help.
19:55This is the first time I've ever been able to help you.
19:59Oh, Jess, you always help.
20:02Just by being you and being here, you always help.
20:08Okay, that's it.
20:09Tour's over.
20:10Refrigerator's closed.
20:11Let's move them out.
20:12Hurry!
20:13Hurry!
20:14Hurry!
20:25Will Jody's upcoming marriage to Carol work?
20:27How will things work out for Jessica now that Chester thinks he's Marlena Dietrich?
20:31How long will Tim's marriage to Corinne work now that he's out of work?
20:35Will Bert and Mary's marriage continue to work now that Bert thinks Mary's schoolwork wasn't really work?
20:40And since Bert's airplane story didn't work, will Mary find out what Bert was really working on with someone from work?
20:46These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap.
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