SOAP Season 1 episodes 9-10
Category
✨
PeopleTranscript
00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:22to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:31We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:35Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:47They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:55In last week's episode of Soap, Danny, unable to kill Bert, now has to run for his life
01:00so the mob won't kill him.
01:02Since this news would kill his mother, Danny told her that he was going off to be a spy.
01:06So far, he's managed to fool Mary, but not the mob, because when Danny appeared in disguise
01:11at the Tate dinner party, the mob tried to kill him.
01:15Unfortunately, Danny got away.
01:16Unfortunately, Bob the dummy got hit.
01:19Confused?
01:20You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
01:23I was never so embarrassed in my life.
01:37Did you hear him?
01:38He tells them the real reason he's here.
01:39They're gonna know, Bert.
01:40When I come in wearing blue and go out wearing pink, they're gonna know.
01:43Shh, please.
01:44Quiet, Ann.
01:45There are people around.
01:46I hate it here.
01:47There are germs all over this place.
01:49Darling, you want to wait downstairs?
01:52It's depressing.
01:53Everybody looks sick.
01:54Bert, it's a hospital.
01:55Yeah.
01:56Who knows what you could pick up here?
01:58Look.
01:59Now, look at him.
02:00Who knows what he's got?
02:02Engine trouble.
02:03I've got a little engine trouble.
02:04Oh, well, hi.
02:05It's nice to see you.
02:07I'm sorry if we woke you.
02:09It's okay.
02:10I'm glad.
02:11I thought I was dead.
02:12Barney Gerber.
02:13Hot.
02:14Jody Dallas.
02:15Appendicitis.
02:16Bert.
02:17I'm in for a sex change.
02:21What do you want to change sex?
02:22If I remember correctly, it was pretty terrific.
02:26No, I'm in for a sex change operation.
02:30No kidding.
02:31He's her son.
02:32Not mine, it's her boy.
02:36Well, not for long.
02:41So, a sex change.
02:43Wait a minute.
02:45Of course, I saw that once on a television show.
02:48Bill Bixby went in, and after the commercial, Sally Field came out.
02:53See, I have three sons, real sons, you know, only men's sons.
02:58Look, let me get this straight.
03:00You're a fagolet.
03:01What?
03:04You're a fagolet, a homo boy.
03:07Right.
03:08Oh, boy.
03:11Oh, mister, take it easy. Nice is what counts.
03:15Hello.
03:16Hi there, Mr. G.
03:18Are we feeling better today?
03:20We? What are you all of a sudden my partner?
03:23How many times did we go to the bathroom?
03:25You, I don't know. I went twice.
03:29And it was a long, exhausting trip for nothing.
03:33Okay, I'm gonna take some blood now.
03:35Take his. I got no more left.
03:38Listen, I can't stand this with blood, hearts.
03:40Mary, I gotta get out of here.
03:42I'll meet you downstairs.
03:43Okay.
03:46Are you sure about this?
03:47Yeah.
03:49All right, you take care of yourself.
03:56Are you sure?
03:57Yeah.
03:58You sure you're sure?
03:59Yes, Mom.
04:00Oh, God, it's all my fault.
04:02Mom, it's not your fault.
04:03It is. It must be. I'm your mother.
04:05When things go wrong, they blame the mother.
04:07Ask anyone. It's a known fact.
04:09Psychiatrists get rich blaming mothers.
04:14It's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you.
04:16Maybe it was the piano lessons.
04:18Mom, you have been a terrific mother.
04:20It's just the way things turned out.
04:22Look, I'm healthy and I'm happy.
04:24Feel responsible for that.
04:27You okay?
04:30I better go.
04:31Bert's probably throwing up in the lobby.
04:34I'll see you tomorrow.
04:35Okay.
04:37You'll still be with me.
04:38I'll still be, Mom.
04:39It's just some tests are doing that.
04:41Okay.
04:45I love you, Mom.
04:46Oh, I love you too.
04:53Maybe that's it.
04:54Maybe I love you too much.
04:55Maybe you get out of here.
05:00See you later.
05:01Okay.
05:03Yoo-hoo!
05:05Could you please open up this curtain?
05:07I hate this backstage life.
05:12You know, after all the years of research, money, drugs...
05:16Ah!
05:17You know what really keeps me alive?
05:19That girlie.
05:20Who?
05:21Nancy Nightingale, whatever her name is.
05:23I take one look at that girlie and all the girlies like her
05:27and my heart beats a little faster.
05:30Which is good because it's having a little trouble on its own.
05:34And I take one look at her and I forget that I'm Barney Gerber,
05:3768, last April, with a heart that beats like a struggling moth.
05:41I forget because a 25-year-old Gerber looks.
05:45And he wants.
05:46And that's what keeps me alive.
05:48Wanting something.
05:49Just, just the wanting.
05:52Well, that and the corned beef my partner sneaks in here twice a week.
05:57But as long as you want, as long as you look forward to, kiddo,
06:01you can live forever.
06:02They'll have to murder you.
06:04You're okay, Mr. Gerber.
06:06Barney.
06:07Okay.
06:08Why shouldn't I be okay?
06:09I got corned beef, a cutie, and now a nice faggot
06:12who maybe, if I'm lucky, plays gin rummy.
06:16You're lucky.
06:17I'm lucky?
06:18I got muzzle.
06:19What am I gonna have for...
06:23Oh, no.
06:24Look, more blood.
06:25What are you, a vampire?
06:26Not you this time, Mr. G.
06:28You're my victim.
06:31Your chart says you're here for a sex change operation.
06:34Why in the world would you want a sex change operation?
06:37Boredom.
06:38Why?
06:39Look, I'm thinking of getting one myself next week.
06:41They say women live longer.
06:46Okay, Mr. G.
06:47Nap time.
06:48Nap time.
06:52You know, I think you're making a big mistake.
06:55Is that a medical opinion?
06:57Can I ask you a personal question?
06:59Sure.
07:02Have you ever, um...
07:05you know, with a woman?
07:07No.
07:08You're kidding.
07:09Ooh, I think I'm missing something good.
07:14Well, that explains things.
07:15You'll try it.
07:16You'll change your mind.
07:19Well, you don't know.
07:20You've never tried it.
07:23We're really very nice.
07:27How long are you gonna be here?
07:28Two weeks.
07:29Oh, great.
07:31Well, that gives me plenty of time.
07:33I taught my cousin to drive in three days.
07:36See ya.
07:40Incredible.
07:42You know, since I've been here,
07:43in that bed there's been a movie producer,
07:45a longshoreman and a hockey player.
07:47In six weeks,
07:48none of them could get to first base with that cutie.
07:50And now, without trying,
07:52in five seconds,
07:53a faggot escorts.
07:58And then what happened after your mother disappeared?
08:03Mr. Campbell, I understand these things
08:05are sometimes difficult to talk about, but...
08:13Mr. Campbell.
08:14Oh, uh, oh.
08:16I'm sorry, I just dozed off.
08:17I do that a lot.
08:18I can fall asleep like that.
08:20Uh, so where... where was I?
08:22You said when you were a little boy
08:23your mother went out for a pack of camels one day
08:25and didn't come back for five years.
08:29Look, this is ridiculous.
08:30My mother's got nothing to do with it.
08:32I know why I'm impotent,
08:33and it's ridiculous to come here
08:34and pay you to find out what I already know.
08:37Why are you impotent?
08:38I can't tell you that.
08:41Very often it helps
08:42just to get these things off our chest,
08:44and, Mr. Campbell, anything you say here
08:45is completely confidential.
08:47Yeah, no matter how terrible it is?
08:49That's right.
08:50But, Mr. Campbell, everyone who comes in here
08:52thinks they are going to tell me
08:54something I've never heard before,
08:56and it never happens.
08:57We all have the same problems.
08:59Hey, hey, hey, hey.
09:00I know what you hear.
09:01You hear a guy fools around on his wife.
09:03You hear some guys like weird things in the bedroom.
09:06Maybe one or two hate women.
09:07Maybe somebody's in love with a goat.
09:10It's nothing.
09:11What I got is big.
09:12I mean, big.
09:13You'd be shocked.
09:14No, I won't.
09:15Yes, you will.
09:16I guarantee I won't.
09:17Oh, yeah?
09:18Try me.
09:19I murdered my wife's first husband.
09:24My, that is a big one.
09:30You want me to tell you how it happened?
09:33You actually killed him?
09:35Yeah.
09:36See, I had this construction business.
09:38I still do.
09:39Anyway, one day my first wife
09:41took my kids and left me.
09:44She just left me.
09:45No talk.
09:46Nothing.
09:47I came home from work
09:48and there was a note stuck in the meatloaf.
09:49It said,
09:51I'm leaving.
09:52I can do better.
09:54Yeah, well, I was pretty upset.
09:56I mean, my wife was gone.
09:57My kids were gone.
09:58So I just threw myself into the business.
09:59You know, it became everything.
10:01Then one day, Johnny and Mary Dallas
10:03come to me.
10:04They ask me to build them a house.
10:06And I do.
10:07Now, Mary,
10:10it was love at first sight.
10:12You know, in my job,
10:13you work very closely with the wife,
10:14and I did,
10:15and I was with her all the time.
10:17And then I did little things
10:18when I saw the job was coming to an end
10:20just to be with her.
10:21Like when I put in the kitchen,
10:22I left out the sink.
10:25She had to come tell me
10:26the sink was missing
10:27so I could be with her.
10:29Yeah, I left the toilet out of the bathroom.
10:31I made a closet.
10:32It didn't open.
10:33No stairs.
10:34Little things like that.
10:35Anyway, once the job was finished,
10:38Johnny Dallas comes to me,
10:39says he wants to be my partner.
10:42He says, uh,
10:43bad things could happen if I refused,
10:44and sure enough,
10:45accidents started happening.
10:46I even got beaten up by two goons.
10:48Then I realized,
10:49he's a mobster.
10:50Then it all made sense.
10:51The accidents, the beatings,
10:53his shiny mohair suits.
10:57Anyway,
10:58then one night after work,
10:59I stayed on at the construction site,
11:01and I, I thought,
11:02I got very depressed.
11:04I mean, I'd lost my wife,
11:05I'd lost my kids,
11:06I couldn't have Mary,
11:07and now I was gonna lose my business.
11:09I decided to kill myself.
11:11Well,
11:13I guess this is it.
11:14Hollis!
11:17Johnny Dallas had come to kill me.
11:18It was my last chance.
11:20Turn over the business to him,
11:21or he'd kill me.
11:23What, kill me?
11:24Hey, I was gonna do it anyway.
11:25Suicide, murder,
11:26makes no difference to me.
11:27I'm all yours.
11:29And then I thought,
11:30hey, this is crazy.
11:31I'm just giving up.
11:32Why should he win?
11:33I mean, I'm up there
11:34killing myself because of him,
11:35and he says he's gonna kill me anyway.
11:36Hey, so why don't I kill the killer?
11:38Then he can't kill me.
11:40Hey, why me?
11:41Why not you?
11:42Because I like that arrangement better.
11:44And suddenly,
11:45I wanted to live.
11:46You know, I've been thinking,
11:47and now that I think about it,
11:49I don't think I'm too crazy
11:50about this arrangement here.
11:51I mean, after all,
11:52you know, like if we were to say
11:53take a vote
11:54as to which guy
11:55should go off this girder,
11:57given your criminal record
11:58and not too charming personality,
12:00most people would pick you.
12:01However,
12:02I'm sure a lot of people
12:03would pick me,
12:04so rather than speculating,
12:05you know,
12:06because the vote could go either way,
12:07why don't we just
12:08kind of hang around
12:09and talk about it?
12:10No more talking.
12:11We've talked enough.
12:12Uh, well,
12:13I don't know.
12:14It was a nice night.
12:15A few minutes more
12:16wouldn't hurt you.
12:17You can be part of this business,
12:18Campbell,
12:19or in ten seconds,
12:20you'll be part of 40 Seconds.
12:21Say, look out.
12:22Take it easy.
12:23Look out!
12:24No!
12:25Help!
12:26Oh, ho.
12:30So I killed him.
12:31I pushed him off the girder.
12:32You got a murderer
12:33sitting in your office,
12:34doctor,
12:35right on your couch.
12:36It was self-defense.
12:37Yeah,
12:38that's what I thought at first,
12:39but then I questioned it.
12:40I mean,
12:41I loved his wife.
12:42Couldn't it be
12:43I just wanted to get rid of him?
12:44Oh, I'm sure.
12:45But you never actually
12:46went out and killed him
12:47because of it.
12:48I mean, there you were,
12:49hanging from a girder
12:5030 stories up.
12:51He had a gun in your ribs,
12:52murder in his heart.
12:53You had to make a choice.
12:54So you chose your own life.
12:57This would make
12:58a terrific screenplay.
13:02So,
13:03so what?
13:04I'm not a murderer?
13:05Of course not.
13:06Absolutely not a murderer.
13:07Oh,
13:08Dr. Medlow.
13:10I gotta go now.
13:11We still have some time left.
13:13Yeah, I know,
13:14but I gotta go home
13:15and see Mary right away.
13:16You see,
13:17I came here because
13:18I had this problem, you know,
13:19and I couldn't.
13:20Well, now the problem's solved
13:21and I think I can.
13:22Of course,
13:23but when I get home
13:24it might be that I can't again,
13:25but
13:27we're gonna find out.
13:36I really need this
13:37in my life, Dennis.
13:38I mean, I need to open this up
13:39and see this picture of you
13:40looking at her
13:41the way a cat looks at tuna fish.
13:43Jody,
13:44it's a publicity picture.
13:46Now, now, don't tell me.
13:47Um,
13:48Joe Namath.
13:49Hey, that's right,
13:50you're Joe Namath.
13:51No, I'm sorry.
13:52Listen, Dennis,
13:53I'm here becoming a girl for you,
13:54but if you've already got one,
13:55what am I doing?
13:56You think I need this?
13:57You think I'm looking forward
13:58to retaining water?
14:00I got it.
14:01You're Mickey Mantle.
14:05Jody,
14:06don't you think you're, um,
14:07overreacting a little?
14:08Overreacting?
14:09Dennis, this is not
14:10clipped as inny
14:11as they grow back next spring.
14:16Come on, Jody.
14:18I mean, look,
14:19I'll come back and see you
14:20in a few days, okay?
14:23Take care.
14:24Bye.
14:25Bye.
14:26Hey.
14:28Take care.
14:30O.J. Simpson?
14:31Oh, yeah.
14:34Hi.
14:35Hi.
14:36Ooh,
14:37hello there.
14:39Corinne, how've you been?
14:40Fine.
14:41You get such cute visitors.
14:43Mine are all old Jewish prunes.
14:47Who was that guy, Jody?
14:48He looked familiar.
14:49I thought it was Joe Namath.
14:51You can tell her, Jody,
14:52she won't tell anyone.
14:53You know?
14:54Mm-hmm.
14:55Jody, tell me.
14:56Oh, I can't, Corinne.
14:57You told Eunice.
14:58Well, we traded.
14:59She told me something.
15:00I got something,
15:01and it's much better
15:02than Eunice's.
15:03You can't tell him that.
15:04Oh, not that.
15:05Something else.
15:06There's something else?
15:07Ooh, I want to hear that.
15:10I'll listen to anything.
15:13Well, I can't tell you that one,
15:15but this one is pretty good.
15:17Ooh.
15:18Is it better than Eunice
15:19and Congressman McCallum?
15:21Congressman Walter McCallum?
15:23Oh, that's all right, sweetheart.
15:25Don't worry.
15:26It's safe with me.
15:27With my heart, they applaud
15:28if I'm still alive for dinner.
15:31Well, what is it, Corinne?
15:32Only if Jody tells me
15:34who that was.
15:35Okay.
15:36And then you'll tell me?
15:37Yeah.
15:38Okay.
15:41I'm in love with a priest.
15:44Vey is mere.
15:49Who?
15:50Father Timothy Flotsky.
15:52The closest I ever get to him
15:53is in a confessional.
15:54How's that
15:55for an impossible relationship?
15:57Beats mine.
15:58And mine.
15:59So who was that?
16:01Dennis Phillips.
16:02Gothenhamer.
16:05The quarterback?
16:07You mean you and he are...
16:09Wait, wait.
16:10You and the quarterback?
16:14And you and a priest?
16:16And you and a married congressman?
16:20And I thought Jews liked to suffer.
16:28Benson.
16:29I thought you were alone.
16:31Hello, Benson.
16:32Hi, Benson.
16:33Hi, Corinne.
16:34Nice to see you.
16:35I was just, uh...
16:38passing by.
16:40There's some stuff.
16:41Thanks, Benson.
16:42Now, don't think it's cause I like you.
16:44It's a duck in rum sauce.
16:46Banana bread.
16:48Well, I better be going.
16:50No, no, no, stop.
16:51Don't go, Benson.
16:52We were all trading secrets
16:53when you came in.
16:54You can trade secrets with us.
16:55Secrets?
16:56Yeah.
16:57We each told our biggest secret.
16:59What's your secret, Benson?
17:00I can't wait to hear this one.
17:04My secret is
17:05I know all your secrets.
17:07You know Jody's secret?
17:08He's in here for a sex change operation.
17:10What's a big secret in that?
17:12Ha, ha, ha.
17:13That's not a secret.
17:18It's a Gerber heart,
17:20which gets weaker by the minute.
17:22I know a secret.
17:25Jody, tell him.
17:27Yes.
17:28Okay.
17:29Dennis Phillips.
17:31What about Dennis Phillips?
17:32I'm going with Dennis Phillips.
17:34Where?
17:38We're lovers, Benson.
17:41The quarterback?
17:42Right.
17:44Get out of here.
17:46Everybody out.
17:50Thank you.
17:51Goodbye.
17:52Thank you, Benson.
18:01Time for your I.V.
18:03Now, what would you like?
18:04We've got dextrose, glucose,
18:06plasma, saline,
18:077-Up, Dr. Pepper,
18:08and ginger ale.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:14That's it.
18:15The pacemaker just went.
18:18Pretty good, huh?
18:20Danny, why'd you tell everybody to leave for?
18:22Well, I figured they wouldn't want to stay.
18:24I mean, the last time I came around,
18:25we all got shot at.
18:26Wait, wait.
18:27Who got shot at?
18:28So, uh, how you doing?
18:30Okay, good.
18:31Excuse me.
18:32What about this shooting?
18:33So, how you doing?
18:34Pretty good.
18:35Pretty good.
18:36I'm a little jumpy.
18:37I find myself whirling around a lot
18:39Pretty good, don't you?
18:40Uh, listen, uh, Sunny Girl,
18:42uh, you mentioned about shooting.
18:45See, I'm a heart patient,
18:47and my doctor told me
18:48I should specifically avoid gunfire.
18:51Fatty foods and gunfire.
18:54Well, don't worry about it,
18:55because I'm leaving.
18:56Thanks, God.
18:57Listen, I'll come back and see you in a few days.
18:59Will you, uh, will you still be you?
19:01Yeah.
19:02Well, who will you be?
19:03I'll surprise you.
19:04Take care, little brother.
19:05Bye, big brother.
19:06Danny, your wig.
19:08Thanks.
19:20So, uh, that's your brother.
19:25Well, he's a nice boy.
19:27Looks like Ann Bancroft.
19:38Mary, I got your message.
19:40Are you all right?
19:41Oh, Jess, thanks for coming.
19:43I was just so depressed.
19:44Oh, Mary, hospitals depress everyone.
19:47I mean, they make them that way on purpose, you see,
19:50so sick people will get well in a hurry and go home.
19:54It's not just that.
19:56It's my whole life.
19:57I have one son who's about to become my daughter.
20:00I have another son who someone's trying to kill.
20:02I have a lunatic stepson
20:04and his dummy living in my house,
20:06a husband who doesn't want to make love to me.
20:08That's not life.
20:10That's something by Tennessee Williams.
20:13Well, Mary, at least you have something.
20:16Something?
20:17Yes, well, I mean, look at my life.
20:20Chester's always working, so he's never home.
20:24Corinne has moved in with Peter, so she's never home.
20:27And Eunice is always traveling around, so she's never home.
20:30And Billy's growing up now, you know, so he's never home.
20:33And Daddy is, well, Daddy's, you know, just never home.
20:40Do you know what I do?
20:42I wander around that big house all day long, not knowing what to do.
20:47I can't wait till 3 o'clock to talk to Dinah Shore.
20:52What?
20:53Dinah Shore. I talk to her.
20:55She doesn't answer back.
20:58She's on television, Mary, so of course she can't answer back.
21:02You know, she has such a nice face, and she's so pleasant.
21:08I mean, I find it very comforting to have her to talk to.
21:11Jess, you can call me. Why don't you call me?
21:15Oh, Mary, I wouldn't want to bother you.
21:18My goodness, you have enough problems of your own.
21:23Besides, you're the one that needs cheering up today.
21:26That's why we're having lunch together.
21:29Claire, Claire, Claire, you are so cute when you're mad.
21:34I'm serious, Chester. If you don't leave Jessica this week,
21:38I am going to the Securities Exchange Commission.
21:40There'll be no need to do that, my darling, no need at all.
21:43Why, Chester?
21:44Because I'll be leaving Jessica.
21:46When?
21:47Let me surprise you.
21:50Now, Mary, I mean, if we didn't have unhappy experiences,
21:54how would we know when we were having happy ones?
21:59Oh, God.
22:00What, Mary?
22:01What?
22:02Look at this plate, Jessie.
22:05Isn't it beautiful? The pattern is so delicate.
22:10Mary, it's white.
22:13That's what I mean. The pattern is so delicate, you can't see it.
22:18Jessie, don't look.
22:29Mary.
22:36Oh, my God.
22:40Jessie.
22:42Mary.
22:44It's true.
22:48All of it's true.
22:51Everything everybody's been saying all these years, it's true.
23:03Oh, Mary.
23:06I would faint if I knew how.
23:21The End
23:24Will Jody decide to be a woman or will Nurse Nancy convince him to be with a woman instead?
23:29Since Bert couldn't with Mary because he thought he was a murderer,
23:33now that the psychiatrist has told him that he isn't a murderer and didn't do it, will he be able to?
23:38Will Danny run out of disguises or closet space?
23:42And what will Jessica, now that she's discovered what Chester is doing, do?
23:47These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
23:57This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:04Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
24:08Jessica likes life.
24:10The only thing about life she would change if she could is that she would set it all to music.
24:17The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
24:23We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
24:28Mary, too, likes life.
24:30Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
24:34As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
24:39They do, however, have as many secrets.
24:47In last week's episode of Soap, Jody checked into the hospital to become a girl
24:52and wound up meeting a girl who would like him to stay a guy.
24:56Danny has been running around in disguises, running from the mob.
24:59So far, Danny has not been caught.
25:02But Chester has been.
25:04Jessica met Mary for lunch and saw him kissing Claire.
25:08Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
25:17We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Jessica and Mary saw Chester and Claire.
25:24Oh, Mary, thank you so much for coming home with me.
25:27Feeling any better?
25:28Uh-huh.
25:29Good.
25:30I really feel like such a fool, Mary.
25:32I mean, all those years of not believing, and I still find it hard to believe.
25:37Not that I don't believe it, Mary. I mean, I do believe it.
25:40I saw it with my very own eyes.
25:42It was Chester and Claire, and he was kissing her.
25:45And you know what is really funny, Mary?
25:48Chester doesn't even like to kiss.
25:52Don't keep going over it, Jess.
25:54You know what, Mary?
25:56I think we're cursed.
25:58Who?
25:59Us. All of us.
26:00I think that there is a curse on this family.
26:03Well, if there isn't, there should be.
26:07Benson?
26:08Yeah?
26:09Do you know where we keep the family photo album?
26:11Yeah.
26:12Oh, good. Would you mind bringing it to me?
26:14Why do you want to look at those depressing pictures, Mary?
26:19Benson, they're family photographs.
26:22They are depressing.
26:23A bunch of ugly people in old clothes.
26:26And then you got those dried up pressed flowers that fall out all over the place.
26:30And then the pictures crumble and you cry.
26:33Every time you look at those pictures, I got to do the floor.
26:37Mary, I think I am on to something.
26:40I think that in those pictures we'll find the answer.
26:43Mary, did you see the omen?
26:45No.
26:46Well, I mean, nobody believed Lee Remick when she said that her son was the devil and he was trying to kill her.
26:51And you know what happened? He killed her.
26:53And then, I mean, of course, everyone said, well, she was right.
26:57But, I mean, it did her a lot of good. She was dead by then.
27:02Oh, thank you, Benson. Thank you.
27:04Oh, look at this.
27:07I'm sorry, Benson.
27:10Look, Mary, look.
27:14Randolph.
27:15And where is Randolph, Mary?
27:17Jessie, no one knows where Randolph is.
27:20Exactly.
27:21Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador.
27:30Don't you think that's peculiar?
27:32Jessie, Randolph was peculiar.
27:35No, Mary, he wasn't. He was cursed.
27:38Jessie, Randolph wasn't cursed. He was nuts.
27:42Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is nuts.
27:54Mary, look at this.
27:56Who's that?
27:57Well, I don't know who it is, Mary, but I saw the exorcist and that face is worse.
28:03Oh, that's Mr. Tate.
28:06Oh, my God, Mary, it is. It's Chester.
28:10Yeah, on your wedding day.
28:13It is not, Benson. It's our Halloween party because I'm dressed as Chiquita Banana.
28:20You think I wear bananas on my head to a wedding?
28:24Don't ask me.
28:26I wish I knew someone that removes curses.
28:30Jessie, we are not cursed. There is no such thing as a curse.
28:35Mary, Mary, how can you say that? I mean, Mary, look at me.
28:39I married a man who does you know what?
28:42That's not a curse.
28:46I have one illegitimate daughter who sleeps around.
28:49It's not a curse, Jess.
28:51Well, I have one daughter who doesn't even go out on dates.
28:54That's not a curse.
28:56Daddy still believes a war is going on.
28:58Not a curse.
29:00All right, Mary, your first husband committed suicide.
29:04You have one son who's gay who's going to have a sex change operation.
29:07You have one son who's a spy.
29:09You have one stepson who lives with a dummy.
29:11And you have another stepson who came between Corinne and me.
29:16And your husband won't make love to you.
29:19You're right, we're cursed.
29:31Okay.
29:34Mrs. Campbell.
29:35Yes.
29:36I'm your son, Danny's employer.
29:39May I come in?
29:40Yes.
29:41Thank you.
29:43Where is he?
29:44House hunting. He's been driving me crazy, you know.
29:47Every time he goes into a house, he's going to look around all the room.
29:51Mrs. Campbell, about Danny, you know.
29:54I'm a little bit worried about him. He leaves so suddenly.
29:58Listen, Mr. Ruggie.
29:59Smith.
30:01George Smith.
30:03My friends call me Georgie or Georgie boy.
30:07My mother calls me face.
30:09My father calls... Forget about my father.
30:14Danny's not here. He's in Europe.
30:16You have his address in Europe?
30:17No, just Europe.
30:20Well, you know, this creates a little problem for me because my boss wants me to find Danny so bad.
30:25He says if I don't find him, nobody's ever going to see me again.
30:31Oh.
30:32I know who you are.
30:34George Smith.
30:35You want to kill Danny, don't you?
30:37Kill?
30:38Kill Danny.
30:39Where do you get such crazy ideas from?
30:41Kill Danny.
30:46Ma, welcome.
30:47Shalom.
30:48We welcome you to Sugar Hill, Hawaii.
30:52Rabbi McAbee here collecting some money for trees.
30:56Hello, mister.
30:57You look like a fine gentleman.
30:58Nice hair.
30:59Nice Jewish people.
31:01Campbell bits.
31:02It's a nice Jewish name.
31:03It's Campbell.
31:04Not Jewish.
31:05Well, forget the trees then.
31:07I don't know why they want more trees anyway.
31:09Israel is a jungle from the trees.
31:13Wait.
31:14I'll get you some money.
31:17You know, there's a lot of phony bolognese going around here collecting for things that just make up.
31:24You got credentials?
31:27Credentials?
31:28Yes.
31:29Do I have credentials?
31:30You want credentials?
31:32Five thousand years of suffering.
31:34How's that for a credentials?
31:37You want credentials?
31:38I'll give you credentials.
31:39All right.
31:40All right.
31:41I'm sorry.
31:42Credentials, he asks.
31:43Bar mitzvah.
31:44Chopped chicken liver.
31:45Bagel.
31:46Bagel credentials.
31:47Mr. Schmarty pants.
31:48Your head should grow in the ground like an onion.
31:51You want credentials?
31:52Wholesaler credentials.
31:54All right.
31:55All right.
31:56Rabbi, I was just trying to be careful.
31:57There you go.
31:58And Mrs. Campbell will be in touch with you.
32:01You want more credentials?
32:02No, I don't.
32:03I'll give you some more credentials.
32:05I'm sorry.
32:06Rabbi, let me give you a check.
32:08Ma.
32:09Ma, it's me.
32:12Oh, dear.
32:13Oh, God.
32:14Do you know who that was?
32:16They want to kill you.
32:17I know, Ma.
32:19You've got to get out of here.
32:20Ma, it's all right.
32:21They're gone.
32:22You're not a spy, are you?
32:25No, Ma, I'm not.
32:27Oh, God.
32:28Hiya, Bert.
32:31Hiya.
32:32How you doing?
32:35You give money to every crackpot that comes around?
32:37Bert, it's...
32:38It's for a good cause, right?
32:39I know.
32:40I'll say.
32:41What is this for?
32:42Trees, I bet, right?
32:43Huh?
32:44Trees?
32:45Huh?
32:46What is it with your country and trees?
32:47I don't know.
32:48Maybe they got a lot of dogs.
32:51Danny.
32:52Danny.
32:53Oh, Danny.
32:55I was just leaving.
32:56Boy, Danny, you had me fooled.
32:58It's Danny.
33:02I know, Bert.
33:04I got to go.
33:06Ma, I'll come back again soon, I promise.
33:08No, no, the back way.
33:09Oh, okay.
33:10That's a great outfit.
33:17Hey, Mary.
33:21Hey, Mary, I've been looking for you all day.
33:24Where were you?
33:25I was with Jessica.
33:27Hey, Mary.
33:30What do you say, uh...
33:33How about we go upstairs?
33:37Why?
33:40Why?
33:41It's been so long, you don't remember.
33:43All right?
33:45Okay, now.
33:46See, uh, Mary.
33:48What I'm trying to say is...
33:52Why don't we, uh...
33:54Go upstairs?
33:57You know, and kind of...
33:59Lounge around a little.
34:06You know...
34:09Mary, I saw Dr. Meadow today.
34:12And guess what?
34:13What?
34:16I think I can.
34:20Now?
34:21Yes!
34:30Oh, Bert, not now.
34:34What?
34:38Not now.
34:39I'm just not in the mood.
34:42Not in the mood.
34:44Not in the mood for six months.
34:46All I've been hearing from you is when.
34:48Now, all of a sudden, it's I'm not in the mood.
34:52Bert, how can I be in the mood?
34:54This morning, we took Jody to the hospital.
34:56This afternoon, Jessica found out Chester has been unfaithful to her.
34:59And a few moments ago, I found out the mob is trying to kill Danny.
35:05Oh.
35:10Well, that kind of lets the air out of my tires.
35:17So to speak.
35:18So to speak.
35:27Corinne.
35:28Hi.
35:29Corinne, what are you doing here?
35:30How did you get in here?
35:31You've got to get out of here.
35:32I have to talk to you.
35:33No, no talk.
35:34We've talked enough.
35:35That's it for talking.
35:36Tim, I'm so unhappy.
35:37You?
35:38What do you think?
35:39This thrills me?
35:40Corinne, you can't be here.
35:41This is for priests.
35:42Tim, you know that guy I live with?
35:44You know, Peter?
35:45Come on now, Corinne.
35:46Don't start.
35:47Get on your feet.
35:48But I have to talk to you.
35:49No.
35:50We've done enough talking.
35:51Leaving.
35:52You're going to leave.
35:53You're not going to talk.
35:54Come on now.
35:55Up.
35:56But Tim.
35:57No, no but.
35:58Tim.
35:59Only one word I listen to.
36:00Goodbye, Tim.
36:01Well, that's two words.
36:02Say goodbye.
36:03Goodbye, Corinne.
36:04Goodbye, Tim.
36:05Good.
36:06I like that.
36:07You did that well.
36:18I need your help.
36:21This business with Corinne is getting to be too much for me.
36:25See, being a priest means more to me than anything ever has in my life.
36:30Ten, twelve years ago.
36:32Remember what I was like?
36:33In high school?
36:34I majored in motorcycles.
36:36I was a bum.
36:38A nothing.
36:39And then I found you.
36:41I came back to the church.
36:43And I became a priest.
36:46And I love it.
36:47I love what I'm doing.
36:49And I've been really happy.
36:52Except for one thing.
36:54Corinne.
36:56I mean, she stirred up all these old feelings.
36:59Hey, I know I'm a man.
37:00And I know we all have those feelings.
37:02But I think I'm getting them too much, you know?
37:07So I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me in the priest department.
37:14I understand tests.
37:16And I know you've given some humdingers in your day, but...
37:21Are you going to send Corinne in once a week for the rest of my life?
37:27Because if you are, I think we're going to get to a week there that could embarrass everyone.
37:34I mean, I don't know.
37:36I thought I had the calling.
37:38But now I don't know.
37:40Do I?
37:43I'd ask for a sign.
37:45But quite frankly, knowing the kind of signs you give...
37:48Burning bushes.
37:49Flooding the world.
37:51I think I'll pass on the sign.
37:54I mean, you get a little flamboyant with the signs there.
37:58Excuse me.
37:59Flamboyant.
38:00I'm telling God he's flamboyant.
38:03Well, thanks for listening.
38:07I feel better just having talked.
38:10And if you've got an answer...
38:12You could give me a sign.
38:14But nothing crazy now.
38:16Please.
38:18Goodbye.
38:24Dennis, what do you mean it's not such a good idea that I have the operation?
38:28I don't know. I mean, a sex change operation, it's such a drastic step.
38:31What are you talking about?
38:33I don't know.
38:34Dennis?
38:35Well, it's just that...
38:36Well, I've been thinking, and maybe it's not such a good idea.
38:39Why?
38:41Dennis, what's going on?
38:44I'm gonna marry Jill.
38:48You what?
38:49Excuse me.
38:51I, uh...
38:54I have to go meet Mandelbaum here.
38:59See, he challenged me to a race around the hospital floor.
39:03I'll be back in a week or two.
39:07You're gonna marry her?
39:10Yes.
39:13Well, that's one wedding night they could show on Saturday morning television.
39:18Jody, I'm sorry.
39:20Oh, I love it. The homosexual and the starlet are getting married.
39:24You'll kill each other fighting over the electric rollers.
39:27Jody, you're gonna marry her, Dennis?
39:29Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?
39:31Jody, I'm scared.
39:32Well, I don't blame you.
39:35No, I have to do it.
39:37Jody, I'm a football player.
39:39That's all I know.
39:41And soon I'll have to earn a living from having been a football player.
39:45I'm not the smartest guy in the world.
39:48I can't do anything else, Jody.
39:52Look, even if you had the operation, I mean, sooner or later people would find out.
39:58I'd never be able to find work.
40:01I can't do it.
40:04I don't want to marry her, but I'm scared.
40:10I guess you'll have trouble believing it, but I love you.
40:16And I'll always love you.
40:20Sorry, Jody.
40:23Okay, I'm fine.
40:27I am fine.
40:32Sure, I'm fine.
40:34Boy, I can really pick them.
40:41No sense being a girl now.
40:45No sense being a girl now.
40:50Actually, there's no sense in being.
40:55It's check-out time.
40:58Make life a lot easier for me, Mom, Bert, Anita Bryant.
41:14Time for your pill, Mr. Dallas.
41:17Nurse, hemorrhaging 514, quick!
41:23Would you look at this?
41:26Very nice.
41:29What, are you trying to tell me something?
41:33Just a few of these and a couple of the yellow.
41:39I love the lavender ones.
41:43A whole bunch of these.
42:07I wonder how long this will take.
42:13Jody?
42:15Jody, did I ever tell you about my wife?
42:19I know you're not in the mood right now to hear stories by old men, but you'll listen.
42:26It could help.
42:28See, my wife, Jody.
42:32My wife was a wonder.
42:34I swear she was a miracle, Jody.
42:37She used to walk down the street.
42:40The whole Bronx would light up.
42:43I used to stare at her in amazement, thinking how lucky I was.
42:48And after 15 years, I still stare at that woman in amazement.
42:53She was all I needed, Jody.
42:55I had the whole world right there.
42:57If I died, I could have died happy.
43:01The trouble was, she died.
43:07One day, she wakes up, a little lump.
43:12Six months later.
43:15Bing, bing.
43:17The light goes out on my life.
43:20Oh, boy.
43:22I tell you, I walked around for months.
43:25I was doubled over.
43:28It's like somebody slugged me.
43:31I went through the normal routine of daily living.
43:34I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom.
43:38And in between these three major activities, Jody, there was a lot of pain.
43:46I never thought I'm ever going to fall in love again.
43:50But, well, a few years later, I met a redhead.
43:58Not like my wife, no.
44:00Entirely different.
44:02So I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom.
44:06And one day, I laughed.
44:11One day, I noticed, I laughed.
44:14Then another day, I hummed.
44:17And then soon after, I sang.
44:22Well, I married her.
44:25No, Jody.
44:27If we weren't happy...
44:30In entirely different ways.
44:32It wasn't better, it wasn't worse.
44:35It was different.
44:40There I was, miserable Barney Gerber, happy again.
44:46You see, Jody, you see how smart I was.
44:49I thought I'll never love again.
44:51I thought I'll never be happy again.
44:56I also thought I'll never have to say goodbye again.
45:06Yeah, ten years we were happy, Jody.
45:09And then one day, some maniac with bourbon in his blood, something on his mind, runs through a red light.
45:21And stops Barney Gerber right in mid-song.
45:27Yeah.
45:30It was sixteen months ago.
45:34Well, since then, I have eaten, I have slept.
45:39Occasionally, I went to the bathroom.
45:43And I had a heart attack.
45:48So I said, Gerber, that's all, you're finished, forget it.
45:52Well, it's never gonna happen again.
45:55Once was wonderful.
45:57Twice was incredible.
46:01Third time?
46:02Why are you kidding yourself? Come on.
46:05Third time would be asking for a miracle.
46:09But you know something, Jody?
46:12I don't really believe that.
46:15If I believed that, I wouldn't be here in this hotel letting them sew Dacron into my heart to hold it together.
46:23I wouldn't be here begging my blood to visit my heart at least a few times a day.
46:28To keep it going, I wouldn't be here at all, Jody, if I didn't believe there could be a third time.
46:37Ah, listen. Listen, my kid. I know that you don't feel so terrific right now.
46:43But wait, Jody. Wait.
46:47Someday, I guarantee you, you're gonna hear somebody laughing.
46:55And you'll turn around.
46:59And it'll be you.
47:14Are the Tates and the Campbells cursed?
47:16Are they just having a run of bad luck?
47:19Is Danny's rabbi disguise good enough to fool the mob?
47:22Is it good enough for him to perform Passover services?
47:25Will Father Tim get a sign from God?
47:28A phone call? A mailgram? Something.
47:32Will Jody live?
47:34These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Sew.