SOAP 1980 Season 2 episodes 1-2

  • 3 months ago
SOAP 1980 Season 2 episodes 1-2

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Transcript
00:00:00In the last episode of Soap, Carol convinced Jodi to share an apartment, not as lovers but as friends, even though we know she'd love to be lovers.
00:00:10And speaking of lovers, Dennis told Jodi he'd love to have him back.
00:00:14Father Tim decided not to remain a father, but to become a husband and ask Corinne to marry him.
00:00:21Corinne loves the idea.
00:00:23Mr. Lefkowitz told Danny he'd kill his entire family if Danny didn't marry Elaine.
00:00:28Danny said he'd love to.
00:00:30Mr. Malou, Jessica's lawyer, told Jessica he loved her.
00:00:33And Jessica would have loved to have heard not guilty from the jury.
00:00:37Since she didn't, she'd love to know who did it.
00:00:40Who did?
00:00:41Was it Chester?
00:00:42Jodi?
00:00:43Corinne?
00:00:44Benson?
00:00:45Bert?
00:00:46Wouldn't you love to know?
00:00:47Stay tuned for this week's episode of Soap.
00:00:54This is the story of two sisters.
00:00:57Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:01:02These are the Tates.
00:01:05And these are the Campbells.
00:01:09And this is Soap.
00:01:27Soap.
00:01:39Benson, would you make us all some coffee, please?
00:01:41I can't.
00:01:43I beg your pardon?
00:01:44I can't. I'm too depressed.
00:01:47I'll make the coffee, Chester.
00:01:48No, no, Mary, please. This is Benson's job.
00:01:51I can't make no coffee. Mrs. Tate's in jail. I can't make coffee. I just gotta sit.
00:01:57You want coffee? You make it.
00:02:01I'll make the coffee.
00:02:02No, Eunice, I'll make it.
00:02:03No, Mary, you sit.
00:02:04All right, tell me how I'll make it.
00:02:06Come on, I'll do it.
00:02:07No. Bert, you stay with Chester.
00:02:09Let me, okay?
00:02:10No, Corinne, your coffee is terrible.
00:02:12Then don't drink it.
00:02:13I don't want coffee.
00:02:14I just want a thrisker.
00:02:16You can have tea. Tea's easy.
00:02:17Get some whipped cream. I'll make some cappuccino.
00:02:19All right, that's fine. Never mind. Forget the coffee.
00:02:26Let's all just sit.
00:02:28That's what I said in the first place.
00:02:33I checked out the jail, and according to my calculations,
00:02:37a tank or a two-man bazooka team could bring the wall down.
00:02:43Wonderful.
00:02:46Why don't you go outside and check for enemy planes?
00:02:50Now, the important thing is for us to be cool,
00:02:54to just sit and think,
00:02:56because we all know in our heart of hearts
00:02:58that Jessica is incapable of violence.
00:03:01Never in a million years, under any circumstances,
00:03:04could Jessica possibly have committed the crime.
00:03:06So with that in mind, what we have to do now
00:03:10is to calmly and coolly try to figure out
00:03:15which one of you rats did, huh?
00:03:18Which one?
00:03:19Which one of you stinking, bloodthirsty Campbells?
00:03:23Campbells, Campbells?
00:03:24What about you, Tates, you old dazzling thief?
00:03:27Don't push me, Bert.
00:03:30Hey, come on. Get out of here.
00:03:39I ain't cleaning that.
00:03:49Oh.
00:03:50Oh, Bert, look what you've done.
00:03:54Don't touch him.
00:03:56Chester, Chester, are you all right?
00:04:04Fine, I'm fine.
00:04:07I'm terribly sorry.
00:04:10Would you all excuse me for a moment?
00:04:12Just go on with what you're doing.
00:04:19Well, that's it. I can't go on.
00:04:22My life is over.
00:04:24My wife is in jail, the only woman I've ever really loved.
00:04:27My career is over.
00:04:29I'll be in jail for embezzlement.
00:04:31I can't go on.
00:04:33Might as well end it all.
00:04:35I'll leave a note.
00:04:38Paper, I need paper.
00:04:42Uh, I'm sorry.
00:04:44I need paper.
00:04:47Uh, the important thing is how to do it.
00:04:51I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain.
00:04:56I want it pleasant.
00:04:59Uh, it's wonderful, Tate. You want a pleasant suicide.
00:05:02Why don't you have it catered?
00:05:09There's not a piece of paper in this kitchen.
00:05:15Oh.
00:05:22Never thought I'd be writing a note like this.
00:05:25Never.
00:05:27That doesn't look right.
00:05:29S-U-A-C-I-D-E?
00:05:32It's S-U-I, I think.
00:05:34That would be suicide.
00:05:37Doesn't matter.
00:05:39They'll find a body sprawled on the note.
00:05:41They'll figure it out.
00:05:45Oh.
00:05:54That's not the smartest thing I've ever done in my life,
00:05:57considering I'm not too crazy about heights,
00:06:00but what can you do?
00:06:07Colonel, what happened? Are you wounded?
00:06:11What do you want?
00:06:13A tank, sir. I need a tank.
00:06:15Fine. Take one. Take two.
00:06:18Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
00:06:32Hey, Chester.
00:06:38Listen, Chester, look, I just wanted to apologize.
00:06:41I'm... I'm sorry.
00:06:43Oh, it's okay, Bert.
00:06:49Chester, there's a knife in your door.
00:06:54Yes, I know. It makes a good handle.
00:06:59I don't know. If you had to get out of here in a hurry,
00:07:01you could leave two fingers in the kitchen.
00:07:03It's fine.
00:07:05Dwight, these are all dull. All these knives are dull.
00:07:07They're fine, Bert.
00:07:09Let me sharpen them for you. I get a wheel right out of my truck.
00:07:11No, they're fine. We like them dull.
00:07:13Yeah, but they won't cut like this.
00:07:15We don't use them for cutting. We use them for spreading butter,
00:07:17or for door handles.
00:07:19No, I tell you what, I'll make them as good as new.
00:07:23The knives are gone. The oven's electric.
00:07:26What am I supposed to do, jump in the blender
00:07:28and puree myself to death?
00:07:32Do you realize that there's still a murderer running around loose?
00:07:40The colonel will be driving one tank.
00:07:42I'll be driving the other.
00:07:44We shall rendezvous at 0700,
00:07:47so everyone synchronize your watchers.
00:07:50It is now three-ish.
00:07:55I wonder where the murderer is.
00:07:57Why, not right here.
00:08:01You think I don't know?
00:08:03I don't know.
00:08:05I don't know.
00:08:08You think I did it, don't you?
00:08:10I know you think I did it.
00:08:12You've been staring at me all day.
00:08:14Please, you.
00:08:16Everybody's looking at me like I'm Jack the Ripper.
00:08:19Corinne, they're not looking at you.
00:08:21They've been looking at me.
00:08:23I think it was the colored guy.
00:08:27Nina! Nina!
00:08:29Wait a minute!
00:08:37Nina!
00:08:51Now, all I have to do is
00:08:53let go of the rope,
00:08:55and I'll be dead.
00:09:01I wonder how good an idea this is.
00:09:04I mean, what'll it solve?
00:09:06Doc, this is silly.
00:09:08Suicide is not the answer.
00:09:10Here you go, Jess.
00:09:12They're sharper than when you bought them.
00:09:33To the right! To the right!
00:09:35I'm doing it to the right!
00:09:37That's not the right, genius. That's the left.
00:09:39That's the right,
00:09:41because I write with this hand, and I'm a righty.
00:09:43Oh, yeah? Yeah.
00:09:45Well, I wear my wedding ring in my left hand,
00:09:47so how come it's on the same side as your boot?
00:09:49Well, it...
00:09:51Well...
00:09:53Well...
00:09:55Because Danny's right is your left.
00:09:57Right.
00:09:59So? So?
00:10:01So when you said move it to the right,
00:10:03it's your left. Right.
00:10:05Well, you should have known when I say move to the right,
00:10:07I am referring to the right, which I can see,
00:10:09my right, which is his left.
00:10:11So when you say move to the right,
00:10:13any idiot knows you move to the left.
00:10:15You call me an idiot?
00:10:17I can't hold this anymore.
00:10:19All right, come on now. Come on.
00:10:21To the right now. My right.
00:10:23Ready? Go!
00:10:25That's it. Come on.
00:10:27Coming in. It's stuck.
00:10:29Nothing.
00:10:31Well, it's different.
00:10:33The company comes over, they can sit down
00:10:35before they come in.
00:10:37Let it rest a while.
00:10:39It's probably swollen.
00:10:45Danny, this is a couch,
00:10:47not a foot.
00:10:49Same principle.
00:10:53Hey, Jody.
00:10:55Hey, this is a nice...
00:10:57This is a really nice place you got here.
00:11:01To the place.
00:11:03To the place. To the place.
00:11:05There you go.
00:11:07Makes me think of the first time
00:11:09I had my own place.
00:11:11It was a lot different, though.
00:11:13For one thing, I didn't have a couch in the door.
00:11:17Hi.
00:11:19Hey, Carol.
00:11:21Listen, I think maybe
00:11:23you better leave the furniture arranging to me.
00:11:25Carol and I share in the apartment.
00:11:27Oh.
00:11:29Oh.
00:11:31Oh.
00:11:33It's platonic.
00:11:35Platonic? Sounds kinky.
00:11:37We're roommates.
00:11:39There's roommates. All right.
00:11:41That's roommates. All right.
00:11:43Room, room, room, roommates.
00:11:45Well, you call it what you want.
00:11:47That's what it is. Hey, come on, Jody.
00:11:49Today's today. Won't you get the door closed?
00:11:51It's not like that. I wish it were.
00:11:53Okay, it's all right, all right. I believe you.
00:11:55I always knew he wasn't like the loafers.
00:11:57Hi.
00:11:59Oh, I brought you a little housewarming present.
00:12:01Oh, I bet you did.
00:12:03It's who?
00:12:05Who are you? What's your name?
00:12:07Dennis Phillips.
00:12:09That's Dennis Phillips, the quarterback, right?
00:12:11Well, I'm so excited. You live in this building, right?
00:12:13Do you know who this is?
00:12:15That's Dennis Phillips. I know.
00:12:17And he brings you a fern. What a sweet guy.
00:12:19Come on.
00:12:21Come on.
00:12:23He lives in a building.
00:12:25Dennis Phillips lives in your own building. I can't believe this.
00:12:27Listen, on Mondays, I'll come over.
00:12:29We'll discuss the games together.
00:12:31Hey, I'm Bert. How you doing?
00:12:49But you're Dennis Phillips, the quarterback.
00:12:51I know.
00:12:53Well, listen,
00:12:55why don't we get out of here?
00:12:57We got the trucks waiting for us downstairs.
00:12:59And Jody's got all his friends here.
00:13:01He's got his girlfriend.
00:13:03He's got his boyfriend.
00:13:05Let's get out of here.
00:13:13I'm also planning on
00:13:15writing a book on prison reform.
00:13:17I don't really know what prison reform is,
00:13:19but since I'm going to be here so long,
00:13:21I'll certainly have time to find out.
00:13:23So you see, Mary,
00:13:25everything's fine.
00:13:27Oh, Jessie,
00:13:29you are incredible.
00:13:31You could find the good in absolutely anything.
00:13:33Oh, well, Mary, I look for it.
00:13:35I look for it.
00:13:37Uh-oh.
00:13:39What is it?
00:13:41Oh, Mary.
00:13:43What is it, Jess?
00:13:45Sex.
00:13:47Sex?
00:13:49Mary, do you realize
00:13:51that prisons are full of men and women
00:13:53who aren't getting any sex?
00:13:55Well, no wonder
00:13:57criminals say you'll never take me alive.
00:14:03Mary, what am I going to do?
00:14:05Well, uh, Jess,
00:14:07I think that you're just gonna
00:14:09have to do without it.
00:14:15Are you crazy?
00:14:17I do.
00:14:19You still do?
00:14:21Well, at first Bert couldn't,
00:14:23and then I wouldn't, and then he could,
00:14:25and now I would, but now he can't
00:14:27because he's never home.
00:14:29Where is he?
00:14:31Well, he's working very hard lately,
00:14:33and by the time he gets home, I'm asleep.
00:14:35I think I'll put these in water.
00:14:37Mary, I know what you're thinking,
00:14:39but just because Chester
00:14:41always told me he was working late
00:14:43when actually he was fooling around,
00:14:45you don't have to think that Bert's
00:14:47doing the same thing.
00:14:49I wasn't thinking anything like that.
00:14:51Yes, you were.
00:14:53No, I wasn't.
00:14:55Of course you were.
00:14:57Mary, look, in the first place,
00:14:59Chester could not possibly have been working late
00:15:01because he was a stockbroker,
00:15:03and, of course, the stock market
00:15:05closes at 4 in the afternoon.
00:15:07Bert, on the other hand,
00:15:09is in construction.
00:15:11Jesse, they don't put up buildings at night.
00:15:13He's always tired.
00:15:15Now, that's another very good clue, Mary.
00:15:17Enormous fatigue.
00:15:19But Bert's tired.
00:15:21Oh, well, that's because of all of his
00:15:23physical activity.
00:15:25But...
00:15:27Mary, the man works with his hands.
00:15:29I'm sure he does.
00:15:33Mary, Bert is not having an affair,
00:15:35if that's what you're thinking.
00:15:37Jessica.
00:15:39Hmm?
00:15:41I've never seen such a miscarriage of justice.
00:15:43My poor, sweet Jessica.
00:15:45I love you.
00:15:47Here, it's the most beautiful color I've ever seen.
00:15:49What did you call it?
00:15:51Red.
00:15:53Oh, red.
00:15:55I think I'll go now.
00:15:59Uh, I'll see you tomorrow, Jess.
00:16:03Who says there's no sex in prison?
00:16:11Jessica.
00:16:13I'll find him. I promise you I will find him.
00:16:15Who?
00:16:17The killer.
00:16:19I'll find him. As God is my judge, I'll find him.
00:16:21I'll go to the ends of the earth.
00:16:23I'll sail every sea, climb every mountain,
00:16:25look at every corner of the world.
00:16:27Well, be extra safe and get a typhoid shot.
00:16:31You will have a reaction to it,
00:16:33but it'll be worth it,
00:16:35because then you won't have to worry about
00:16:37every little foreign thing you put in your mouth.
00:16:41Oh, Jessica, Jessica,
00:16:43what are we going to do?
00:16:45You dear, brave, sweet woman,
00:16:47I love you. Eyes.
00:16:49I love you, eyes.
00:16:51See you tomorrow, Jess.
00:16:55I love you, suit.
00:16:59How are you, Mrs. Tate?
00:17:01Okay.
00:17:03I brought you some food.
00:17:05I know you can't eat the stuff they got here.
00:17:07Oh, thank you, Benson. That's very nice of you.
00:17:09Mm-hmm. Are you okay?
00:17:11I'm fine.
00:17:13Are you sure? Yes.
00:17:15Positive? No.
00:17:17I'm scared, Benson.
00:17:21I mean, every once in a while,
00:17:23it just kind of hits me I'm on my way to the big home
00:17:25for a murder.
00:17:27House, house.
00:17:29Big house.
00:17:31You're right.
00:17:33For a murder I did not commit.
00:17:35I mean, me, Benson.
00:17:37Barbara Felden in that movie of the week.
00:17:39Eden, Barbara Eden.
00:17:41She's right, and here I am,
00:17:43and it isn't a movie, and it isn't Barbara Eden
00:17:45in the slam, but me.
00:17:47Slammer.
00:17:51Time's up.
00:17:57Well,
00:17:59guess we better say goodbye, Benson.
00:18:01Yeah, I guess.
00:18:03Goodbye, Benson.
00:18:07Oh, Benson.
00:18:11Not you.
00:18:13Look, you've got to be strong.
00:18:17I mean, if you fall apart,
00:18:19there's not going to be anybody left.
00:18:23I'll see you soon.
00:18:27Goodbye, Benson.
00:18:30Goodbye, Benson.
00:18:37Goodbye, Mrs. T.
00:18:55Now, you promised. Be nice.
00:18:57Hey, goo-goots, of course I'm going to be nice to her.
00:18:59What do you think your mother is?
00:19:01I wouldn't be nice to the girl you're going to marry.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:05Dearie, I made some pate.
00:19:07I hope you like it.
00:19:09Most people
00:19:11claim that they spit the pate out in France
00:19:13once they've tasted mine.
00:19:15What do they know in East Orange, right?
00:19:17Honey, get me some napkins.
00:19:21Oh, what a lovely dress.
00:19:23Oh, that's lovely.
00:19:27Very lovely.
00:19:29You've ruined my life, you slut!
00:19:31I hate you!
00:19:33All that pate is lodged in your windpipe!
00:19:35Oh, you have ruined my life!
00:19:43I'm sorry.
00:19:45Oh, I lost my head.
00:19:47Oh, I'm sorry.
00:19:49I don't know what came over me.
00:19:51I have a kidney infection.
00:19:53Maybe that's it.
00:19:55Oh, all that poison
00:19:57circulating in my body.
00:19:59Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
00:20:01Are you all right?
00:20:03Yeah, I'm fine.
00:20:05So...
00:20:07I still don't know very much about you.
00:20:09Except what I heard around.
00:20:11That your mother is an adulteress
00:20:13and your father's an embezzler.
00:20:15And you bimbo, you probably had more men
00:20:17in the whole Marine Corps.
00:20:19You have a broken bone, huh?
00:20:21You drag!
00:20:23You want my blessing?
00:20:25Is that what you came for?
00:20:27I'll give you my blessing.
00:20:29This is my blessing.
00:20:31May you never have a happy moment again
00:20:33for the rest of your life.
00:20:35And if you marry, may you know no such thing
00:20:37as peace and quiet.
00:20:39May you only know hardship and suffering and loss.
00:20:41And may you know that until your dying day,
00:20:43whatever misfortunes happen,
00:20:45are on your heads!
00:20:49I can't believe it!
00:20:51You know, I...
00:20:53Actually, she took it better than I thought.
00:21:01Hello, hello.
00:21:03Jess.
00:21:05How are you?
00:21:07Oh, thanks.
00:21:09How are you, darling?
00:21:11Well, I'm a little nervous.
00:21:13I mean, after all, it isn't every day
00:21:15that a girl gets sentenced.
00:21:21Hear ye, hear ye. This court is now in session.
00:21:23The Honorable Anthony Petrillo presiding.
00:21:25Everybody...
00:21:31Everybody, please stand.
00:21:35Be seated.
00:21:39Will the defendant please rise?
00:21:41He just told me to be seated.
00:21:47Now, Mrs. Tate, you have been found guilty
00:21:49of murder in the first degree.
00:21:51Have you anything to say before I pronounce sentence?
00:21:53Yes.
00:21:55I didn't do this.
00:21:57I'm innocent.
00:22:03But...
00:22:05If the person is here who did it,
00:22:09please help me.
00:22:19Thank you.
00:22:39All right, I'm going to close my eyes now.
00:22:45Nobody will be embarrassed.
00:22:49Well, there doesn't seem to be
00:22:51a great traffic jam to the bench,
00:22:53so I'll go on.
00:22:55Mrs. Tate,
00:22:57you have what some people would perceive
00:22:59as certain advantages.
00:23:01You are white and you are rich.
00:23:03If the sentence is light,
00:23:05the court will be besieged
00:23:07with complaints from the poor and black.
00:23:09Therefore,
00:23:11in order not to appear prejudiced
00:23:13and to be fair
00:23:15in arriving at a sentence,
00:23:17I have ignored the fact
00:23:19that you are white and rich.
00:23:21I have pretended
00:23:23that you are poor and black.
00:23:29I sentence you to 50 years
00:23:31in prison, eligible
00:23:33for parole in 25 years.
00:23:35I object, Your Honor.
00:23:37This sentence is unfair and excessive.
00:23:39Objection overruled.
00:23:41The court is adjourned.
00:23:47The court is adjourned.
00:24:17Wait. Wait, everybody.
00:24:19She didn't do it.
00:24:21Order in the court.
00:24:23Mr. Tate, what are you talking about?
00:24:25I did it.
00:24:27Isn't he sweet?
00:24:33No, I really did it.
00:24:35Mr. Tate,
00:24:37that was a very nice gesture.
00:24:39Now sit down.
00:24:41It's not a gesture. I murdered Peter Campbell.
00:24:43Mr. Tate,
00:24:45the jury convicted Mrs. Tate.
00:24:47I don't care.
00:24:51I killed Peter Campbell,
00:24:53and I can prove it.
00:25:07Jessica,
00:25:11I hope you can understand.
00:25:15Understand?
00:25:17How can I understand,
00:25:19Chester?
00:25:21I mean, I was in jail
00:25:23for what I thought would be at least a lifetime.
00:25:25Away from my family
00:25:27and away from home.
00:25:29I find out that my husband set me up,
00:25:31and you hope that I can understand.
00:25:33Well, Chester, I just don't understand
00:25:35how you can expect me to understand.
00:25:37No, you're right.
00:25:39I can't expect her to.
00:25:41All I know is,
00:25:43yes, and I swear it,
00:25:45I don't remember
00:25:47anything of what I did.
00:25:49I guess it was so horrible
00:25:51that I blocked it out somehow.
00:25:53Not only do I not remember it,
00:25:55I still don't know why I did it.
00:25:57And I only remembered it
00:25:59when the pot fell on my head.
00:26:03A pot fell on your head?
00:26:07Well, that's a long story, Jess.
00:26:09Chester,
00:26:11are you asking me to believe
00:26:13that you killed someone, made it look like
00:26:15I did it, and you don't remember a thing about
00:26:17what you did until a pot fell on your head?
00:26:19I guess
00:26:21that is asking a lot.
00:26:25I love you, Jess.
00:26:29Hello, everybody.
00:26:31See?
00:26:33I told you I wouldn't lose this case.
00:26:35Listen, I gotta hand it to you, Tate.
00:26:37It was really big of you, the way you spoke up. Really big.
00:26:39Time's up, Tate. Let's go.
00:26:43Chester,
00:26:45I'll see you tomorrow.
00:26:51I can't believe it.
00:26:53In one fell swoop, all our problems are over.
00:26:55You're out, he's in.
00:26:57You must handle his appeal.
00:26:59That's a good idea.
00:27:01That way he'll never get out.
00:27:03What do you mean?
00:27:05What I mean is, darling,
00:27:07I'll make sure he stays in prison forever.
00:27:09And then it's you and me.
00:27:11Just you and me.
00:27:13I don't believe it.
00:27:15Neither do I. It's such incredible luck.
00:27:17Get out.
00:27:19Just get out.
00:27:21Okay. You got a lot on your mind right now.
00:27:23I'll tell you what.
00:27:25I'll call you later.
00:27:27See you, baby.
00:27:37Bye.
00:27:45What are you doing?
00:27:47It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
00:27:49I can't sleep. I'm making spaghetti.
00:27:51Spaghetti?
00:27:53You couldn't make something simple?
00:27:55The refrigerator's full of fruit.
00:27:57I'm really in the mood for spaghetti.
00:27:59You want to talk about it?
00:28:01Spaghetti?
00:28:03What's bothering you, Billy?
00:28:05Nothing. My dad killed someone to frame my mom.
00:28:07But aside from that, everything's fine.
00:28:09Listen, I'm not crazy about your father.
00:28:11You know that.
00:28:13In fact, I think I'd be the last person in the world
00:28:15to say anything nice about him.
00:28:17But I gotta say this. He did confess.
00:28:19He didn't let her fry.
00:28:21Big deal.
00:28:23So he's an honest murderer.
00:28:27What are you doing up? It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
00:28:29We're making spaghetti.
00:28:31We are not making spaghetti. You are making spaghetti.
00:28:33In the middle of the night? What are you, crazy?
00:28:35Well, what are you doing? I'm making something to eat.
00:28:37What is this? Making something to eat?
00:28:39The refrigerator's full of fruit.
00:28:41You know what fruit? I'm making chocolate mousse.
00:28:43I thought you were on a diet.
00:28:45I'm making dietetic chocolate mousse.
00:28:47Dietetic chocolate mousse.
00:28:49Right. How do you make dietetic chocolate mousse?
00:28:51It's easy.
00:28:53You make chocolate mousse, and then you don't eat it.
00:28:55You're not gonna eat it.
00:28:57Not all of it.
00:28:59Anyway, what do I care? I'm too upset to care what I eat.
00:29:01So I gained 200 pounds.
00:29:03My father killed someone, set up my mother,
00:29:05and I'm gonna count calories.
00:29:07Look at this one.
00:29:09She's so upset, she's not even cooking.
00:29:11What are you eating?
00:29:13I don't know.
00:29:15I think it's chili.
00:29:17You're eating cold chili?
00:29:19I don't care.
00:29:21I'm too upset to care.
00:29:23You know, some people, when they're upset, can't eat a thing.
00:29:25I wish I was one of those.
00:29:27So do I.
00:29:31I can't believe it.
00:29:33It's like a nightmare.
00:29:35Daddy killed somebody.
00:29:37He's a murderer.
00:29:39Our father is a murderer.
00:29:41Well, strange people do strange things,
00:29:43and your father's certainly a strange man, so...
00:29:45He's a murderer, Benson.
00:29:47I just wonder if it's hereditary.
00:29:49You know, like, if it's in the genes.
00:29:51Like, I've already inherited a little asthma
00:29:53and a large chest.
00:29:55The idea of murder doesn't thrill me.
00:29:57Hey, it could be worse.
00:29:59It could be her. She has a lot of asthma and a little chest.
00:30:03Oh!
00:30:05Everyone's up.
00:30:07Well, I...
00:30:09I just thought that I'd come down
00:30:11and make something to eat.
00:30:13Have some fruit.
00:30:15No, I don't think so.
00:30:17I think I'm going to make my own snack.
00:30:19Well, what are you doing?
00:30:21Me?
00:30:23I'm in the mood for turkey.
00:30:25But it's frozen.
00:30:27Well, it'll thaw out when I cook it.
00:30:29Yeah, in about two days.
00:30:31Oh, well, I wanted
00:30:33something to eat before then.
00:30:35Well, have some fruit.
00:30:37No, I don't want any fruit.
00:30:39You're really pushing the fruit.
00:30:41Well, it's just that I buy it and nobody eats it.
00:30:43A few days, I open the refrigerator
00:30:45and it's full of little brown, furry, wrinkled things.
00:30:49Billy, dear,
00:30:51Billy,
00:30:53did you put your hamsters in the refrigerator?
00:30:57Rotten fruit is in the refrigerator.
00:30:59Rotten fruit?
00:31:01Benson, you mustn't buy
00:31:03rotten fruit.
00:31:05Well,
00:31:07on second thought, I don't think I'll eat anything.
00:31:09I lost my appetite.
00:31:13I guess you're all waiting
00:31:15for me to say something.
00:31:17I'm waiting for you to give me the turkey.
00:31:21I...
00:31:23I don't know what to say,
00:31:25except that
00:31:27no matter what,
00:31:29I still love your father.
00:31:31But, Ma,
00:31:33he killed somebody, and he framed you.
00:31:35Well, it certainly
00:31:37does look that way.
00:31:39Oh, I wish
00:31:41I were Donna Reed.
00:31:43I mean,
00:31:45Donna Reed would have something wonderful
00:31:47to say.
00:31:49Or even Shirley Jones,
00:31:51for that matter. She'd have something just as good
00:31:53to say, and maybe even fresh-baked cookies.
00:31:57Or Loretta Young.
00:31:59Of course, she wouldn't have anything wonderful to say,
00:32:01but she would make a stunning entrance.
00:32:03Well, I'm gonna make
00:32:05a stunning exit. Good night.
00:32:07Good night, Benson.
00:32:11I just don't
00:32:13believe that it's as simple as it seems.
00:32:15I mean, I don't believe that you live
00:32:17half your life with a man and not really
00:32:19know him. Your father's a good
00:32:21man. You all loved him when he
00:32:23was here for birthdays and Christmas.
00:32:25You loved him
00:32:27when he took you to the ballet,
00:32:29when he
00:32:31bought you your first tie.
00:32:33You loved him when he taught you to
00:32:35swim and drive the car.
00:32:37Remember?
00:32:39I mean, you all loved him
00:32:41all those years that he was here
00:32:43for you.
00:32:45I just
00:32:47think that
00:32:49if you really love your
00:32:51father, you
00:32:53love him now.
00:33:011,996.
00:33:0322,997.
00:33:0522,998.
00:33:0722,999.
00:33:0923,000. It's Thursday.
00:33:11I
00:33:13can't go on
00:33:15like this. I can't go on
00:33:17being alone like this. That's
00:33:19why I have to keep talking to myself.
00:33:21Oh, if only a
00:33:23bird would fly in to keep me company,
00:33:25that would be so nice.
00:33:27I remember how it helped Burt Lancaster.
00:33:29Room
00:33:31may take. Oh, thank God.
00:33:33Somebody to talk to. Hello.
00:33:35Welcome.
00:33:37You don't know how happy I am to see you.
00:33:39You just don't know how happy
00:33:41I am. Shut up.
00:33:43Oh, well, yes,
00:33:45of course, I'm sorry. You're not happy
00:33:47to be here. That's terrible of me to say
00:33:49that I'm happy that you're here.
00:33:51You see, what I mean is...
00:33:53Oh, excuse me.
00:33:55That's mine.
00:33:57Not anymore, it ain't.
00:33:59Oh,
00:34:01yes, I see.
00:34:03Well, what'll I shave with?
00:34:05Every morning, I'll rub your face
00:34:07against the wall.
00:34:13You'll rub my face
00:34:15against the wall?
00:34:17Oh, I see.
00:34:19They've given me a funny roommate.
00:34:21I like that.
00:34:23You'll rub my face
00:34:25against the wall. I want that tooth.
00:34:27The gold one. Open up.
00:34:31Mine? My gold tooth?
00:34:33Mine? Oh, you're a funny fellow.
00:34:35I like your sense of humor. What do you expect me to do?
00:34:37Rip it out? Right.
00:34:39What are you in
00:34:41for? Murder.
00:34:43I'm wanted in ten states.
00:34:45Murder?
00:34:47Oh, my God.
00:34:49What if they put me in?
00:34:51Help! What are you in
00:34:53here for?
00:34:55Murder.
00:35:03Murder.
00:35:05What's so funny?
00:35:07Murder. You?
00:35:09Right.
00:35:11What did you do?
00:35:13Bore somebody to death?
00:35:19Yeah.
00:35:25You're funny.
00:35:27You? Oh, no, not you. No, no.
00:35:29Uh, what you said.
00:35:31That cute little thing you said about my being boring.
00:35:33You laugh when I tell you
00:35:35to laugh, you understand?
00:35:41All right, entertain me.
00:35:43Dance.
00:35:47I beg your pardon?
00:35:49Dance. Dance?
00:35:51You mean
00:35:53da-dance? I mean
00:35:55dance now or you're gonna have trouble walking
00:35:57later. Oh, yes, dance. Dance. That kind of dance.
00:35:59Uh, well, I may be a little
00:36:01rusty. What would you like?
00:36:03Tap? Ballet? A little Martha Graham, maybe?
00:36:07I can't dance. I can't just
00:36:09dance. I...
00:36:11I need music.
00:36:13Sing.
00:36:17Picture
00:36:19you upon my knee
00:36:21Tea for two
00:36:23and two for tea
00:36:39Don't touch me.
00:36:41Who?
00:36:43You lay one finger on me
00:36:45and I'll break it off.
00:36:47What?
00:36:49Coming home at four in the morning.
00:36:51I was working.
00:36:53Really? What are you, a night watchman?
00:36:55Dumb.
00:37:01Uh, wait a minute. Uh, Mary? Uh, what are you talking about?
00:37:03What am I talking about?
00:37:05What am I talking about? I will
00:37:07tell you what I'm talking about. I am talking about
00:37:09all these weeks we haven't made love
00:37:11because you've been working till
00:37:13four o'clock in the morning. And I was
00:37:15stupid enough to believe it.
00:37:17Well, now I know what you've really been doing
00:37:19till four o'clock in the morning, Bert.
00:37:21I figured it out. And it's not
00:37:23work.
00:37:29What is it?
00:37:31You don't know.
00:37:33No. How can you not
00:37:35know? You're the one that's doing it.
00:37:37Doing what? Having an affair.
00:37:39I am?
00:37:41Yes.
00:37:43With who?
00:37:45I don't know.
00:37:47Well, I mean, am I having a good time?
00:37:51Why can't you just admit it?
00:37:53Because it's not true, Mary. Good night, Mary.
00:37:57You are going to sleep?
00:37:59Yes.
00:38:03Well, you have got
00:38:05some nerve, you know that?
00:38:07You kill my husband. You become
00:38:09impotent. Then you become invisible
00:38:11and get yourself committed.
00:38:13I stand by you through all of that.
00:38:15And as soon as you get better, you go out and have an affair.
00:38:19Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm not having an affair
00:38:21till four o'clock in the morning, why
00:38:23when I get home do I wake you up to make love?
00:38:25Oh, come on. Why in the world would I do that?
00:38:29To trick me.
00:38:31Nightmare.
00:38:33It's just like the married man who was
00:38:35having an affair and had to eat two dinners
00:38:37every night. One with his mistress and one with his wife.
00:38:39Of course, he became a fat
00:38:41slob and they both adopted him.
00:38:43Served him right.
00:38:47Wake up, Bert.
00:38:49What are you doing?
00:38:51I'm sleeping downstairs.
00:38:53Why? Because I'm getting mad.
00:38:55You can't be mad. What do you mean I can't be mad?
00:38:57You're the one that's having the affair.
00:38:59I'm the one that's mad.
00:39:01You, Mary, are a dope.
00:39:05That's what you are. A real dope.
00:39:07First of all, I'm not having an affair.
00:39:09I am not having an affair.
00:39:11Nor do I want to have an affair.
00:39:13And if I was having an affair
00:39:15I would be a hell of a lot smarter than to have it
00:39:17at four o'clock in the morning and tell you I was working.
00:39:19You know, I'd have my affair
00:39:21at a totally different time of day.
00:39:23A time of day when you wouldn't be suspicious
00:39:25and I wouldn't be so sleepy.
00:39:27Yeah, I have been
00:39:29coming home at four o'clock in the morning, Mary
00:39:31because I've been killing myself
00:39:33working to make a better life for us.
00:39:35That's what I've been doing.
00:39:37All day I'm up on the girders
00:39:39supervising every job.
00:39:41At night I'm in the office, eh, doing paperwork.
00:39:43I got bills, payrolls,
00:39:45invoices. Huh?
00:39:47Don't cry, Mary, like you always do when I'm mad
00:39:49so I'll stop yelling because it's not going to work.
00:39:51I knew it.
00:39:55I can't help it.
00:39:57I've been so upset
00:39:59about everything. Danny, Jody,
00:40:01the Tates. I don't know what to think anymore
00:40:03and that's why.
00:40:05Oh.
00:40:09Blow your nose.
00:40:13Oh, blow out, Mary, not in.
00:40:17I'm sorry.
00:40:19I'm sorry I said all those terrible things but
00:40:21everyone else I love
00:40:23is either
00:40:25in jail or getting out of jail
00:40:27or getting married or moving out and so
00:40:29I figured why not you too?
00:40:31I mean,
00:40:33every time you look at me I am crying.
00:40:35I'm not exactly
00:40:37the most enchanting woman
00:40:39in the world these days.
00:40:41You are to me.
00:40:43How can I be?
00:40:45Because I love you.
00:40:47I don't know why.
00:40:49Oh, you. You don't know why?
00:40:51You? You blow your nose in instead of out.
00:40:55You pull all the covers over to your side
00:40:57when you sleep. You take food
00:40:59off my plate and you have never,
00:41:01ever ironed one of my shirts correctly
00:41:03and I think that that's all
00:41:05adorable.
00:41:07If I didn't love you,
00:41:09I would have divorced you by now.
00:41:11And that's
00:41:13how I know
00:41:15I just love you.
00:41:17Bert.
00:41:21I'm a dope.
00:41:23I love you.
00:41:31I iron your shirts terrible?
00:41:33It's all right.
00:41:35No, no. I want the truth. I do an awful job.
00:41:37Yeah, Mary. It's really terrible.
00:41:39Shirts are not so easy. I know.
00:41:41They have collars. Did you know that?
00:41:43You should try ironing your collars.
00:41:45It's all right, Mary. Stop. Don't. We'll send the shirts out.
00:41:53And start to bake
00:41:55sugar cake for me
00:41:57to take for all the boys to see.
00:41:59Tate. We will
00:42:01raise a family.
00:42:03Boy for you, a girl
00:42:05for me. Can't you see
00:42:07how happy we will
00:42:09be. Jess.
00:42:11Chester. It's so nice to
00:42:13see you enjoying prison life.
00:42:15I mean, there I was
00:42:17at home worried sick about him and here
00:42:19he is singing and dancing.
00:42:21I brought you some food.
00:42:23If I'd known you had a roommate, I would have brought more.
00:42:25Oh, that's okay. He's not having any.
00:42:27Oh, why?
00:42:29Upset stomach.
00:42:33They put me in with a
00:42:35killer. Well, of course
00:42:37they did, dear. I imagine
00:42:39they do it like computer dating.
00:42:43You two have a great deal
00:42:45in common.
00:42:47Jess, I'm not a killer.
00:42:49Now, Chester, I know you don't think of yourself
00:42:51as a killer. I'm sure you consider
00:42:53yourself primarily a stock broker.
00:42:55Nonetheless, Chester...
00:42:57I did kill
00:42:59Peter. There's no denying that.
00:43:01It's just...
00:43:03It's all so confusing.
00:43:05I know it is, dear.
00:43:07And we know that there's more to this
00:43:09than meets the eye. And I want you to
00:43:11know, Chester, we're all
00:43:13standing by you.
00:43:15Thank you, Jess.
00:43:17Now, while you're here,
00:43:19I want you to volunteer for work in the prison
00:43:21laundry.
00:43:23The laundry?
00:43:25That way you'll come
00:43:27out with a skill.
00:43:31You see, darling, when you
00:43:33do get out, I think the
00:43:35idea of going back to Wall Street
00:43:37is out of the question.
00:43:39Time's up. Oh, dear.
00:43:41Goodbye. I'll see you next week.
00:43:43Ta.
00:43:48You can forget
00:43:50about seeing her next week.
00:43:52What do you mean?
00:43:54You ain't gonna be here next week.
00:43:56Oh, no.
00:43:58Oh, no, please don't.
00:44:00Oh, no, please. I beg you.
00:44:02No. Get off your knees, Ta.
00:44:04For God's sake. I can't believe
00:44:06you're in here for murder.
00:44:08Listen,
00:44:10tomorrow I'm escaping.
00:44:12You are?
00:44:14I'll miss you.
00:44:18You're coming with me, Tate,
00:44:20as a shield. This way
00:44:22when they start shooting at me, I got you to put in front of me.
00:44:24I'm not going. You are.
00:44:26I'll tell the guard.
00:44:28I'll tell the guard.
00:44:30Whoa.
00:44:32You're coming with me, Tate. I am not.
00:44:34You are, too? No way.
00:44:36You're coming, Tate. Absolutely not.
00:44:38Then I'll kill you. When do we leave?
00:44:47Hi.
00:44:49Well, did you see Elaine?
00:44:51Yeah. I did everything you told me to.
00:44:53Exactly like we rehearsed? You know it.
00:44:55You told her that you were impotent.
00:44:57Right. I told her that, uh,
00:44:59I had this family disease,
00:45:01and I finally just caught it the other day,
00:45:03and that if she wanted to marry me,
00:45:05she'd have absolutely nothing to look forward to
00:45:07in the bed department. Great.
00:45:09So what happened?
00:45:13A girl knows a lot of tricks.
00:45:18Danny.
00:45:20She took me by surprise.
00:45:22So now we have to pick out presents for the ushers.
00:45:25Yeah.
00:45:27Hey, why should I worry?
00:45:29I mean, at the rate she's got me going,
00:45:31I won't live to see October.
00:45:33I got to go to work. I'll see you later.
00:45:35All right. Give my love to Mom.
00:45:37Yeah.
00:45:39Oh, did I just miss a very popular sports figure?
00:45:41It happened to have been Danny.
00:45:43Really?
00:45:45You mean it wasn't the Rose Bowl queen?
00:45:47Carol, what is it with you?
00:45:49Nothing. I just had no idea
00:45:51that when we took an apartment together,
00:45:53it'd be like living in the Continental Bats.
00:45:55Carol, I've had it with you.
00:45:57We had an arrangement.
00:45:59I told you I was going to live my own life.
00:46:01I know. Look, I'm sorry.
00:46:03It's just that I never see you.
00:46:05I saw more of you when we weren't living together.
00:46:07Jody, I just miss you, that's all.
00:46:09I miss spending time with you.
00:46:11Please don't be mad.
00:46:13Listen, how about I apologize
00:46:15by fixing us a really terrific dinner tonight?
00:46:17I'll fix your favorite meal, okay?
00:46:19What's your favorite meal?
00:46:21Or we could go out, if you'd rather go out.
00:46:23My treat, okay?
00:46:25Oh, I could cook, whatever.
00:46:27Uh, I can't tonight.
00:46:29Oh.
00:46:31Oh, okay, sure.
00:46:33Some other time, then.
00:46:35Another night? There's lots of nights.
00:46:37Carol, is something wrong?
00:46:39No, nothing.
00:46:41Yes.
00:46:43Carol, is something wrong?
00:46:45No, no.
00:46:47You're sure?
00:46:49Right, sure.
00:46:51Okay, I gotta get dressed.
00:46:55Carol, uh, you're sure nothing's wrong?
00:46:57I'm positive there's nothing wrong.
00:47:05There's nothing wrong, nothing at all.
00:47:07I'm just...
00:47:09pregnant with your child.
00:47:21And now,
00:47:23coming attractions of
00:47:25Soap.
00:47:27After you.
00:47:29Okay.
00:47:31I always thought I'd love the girl I married.
00:47:33I always thought the girl you'd marry
00:47:35would be a little like me.
00:47:37But Elaine...
00:47:39She's a pig.
00:47:41Hey, you're very pretty.
00:47:43Listen, you!
00:47:45If you came up here intending to rape me,
00:47:47let me tell you, right now, it's not gonna be
00:47:49any fun at all, because I'll spit
00:47:51in your face.
00:47:53How do you two guys like working together?
00:47:55Oh, it's terrific. Great.
00:47:57Sure. One's got a flea brain, the invisible man's got none at all.
00:47:59Oh!
00:48:03Father Tim, what are you doing here?
00:48:05I'm getting married,
00:48:07didn't you know, Father?
00:48:09You mean, Vicious can marry now?
00:48:11I don't believe this.
00:48:15Don't sit!
00:48:17Uh, Sally?
00:48:21Uh, Sally, what are you doing back there?
00:48:23Nothing.
00:48:25That's a nice touch, a real nice touch. A little hair massage.
00:48:27That's nice, Sally.
00:48:31What about sex?
00:48:33Carol, I promise you that if we get married,
00:48:35I'll never touch another man again.
00:48:37Jody is going to be a father.
00:48:39Dennis is pregnant?
00:48:43All this and much more
00:48:45in future episodes of
00:48:47Soap.
00:48:51In last week's episode of Soap,
00:48:53much to everyone's surprise,
00:48:55Chester confessed to the killing of Peter.
00:48:57Of course, no one's surprised he was sent to prison.
00:48:59Danny tried to convince Elaine
00:49:01not to marry him by faking impotency.
00:49:03But it didn't work.
00:49:05The plan, that is.
00:49:07And now he has to marry her.
00:49:09Jody and Carol are now sharing an apartment.
00:49:11But what they're not sharing is Carol's secret
00:49:13that she is pregnant and Jody's the father.
00:49:15Meanwhile, back in prison,
00:49:17Chester's cellmate, Dutch,
00:49:19is hoping to escape.
00:49:21Chester, who hates him, hopes he will,
00:49:23but he's horrified to hear that he has to go along.
00:49:25Confused?
00:49:27You won't be after this week's episode of
00:49:29Soap.
00:49:35This is the story
00:49:37of two sisters,
00:49:39Jessica Tate
00:49:41and Mary Campbell.
00:49:43These are the Tates.
00:49:47And these are the Campbells.
00:49:49And this is
00:49:51Soap.
00:50:19Wake up.
00:50:25Get up, Tate. We're ready.
00:50:27Ready for what? The escape?
00:50:29We're escaping, Nerm.
00:50:31Shut up.
00:50:33It's nighttime, for God's sake.
00:50:35What do you want to do, escape in broad daylight,
00:50:37you moron?
00:50:39At least we could see.
00:50:43Have a little dinner first.
00:50:49Now, listen, Tate.
00:50:51I want you to attract the guard's attention.
00:50:53How?
00:50:55Scream.
00:50:59I can't scream.
00:51:01Scream, Tate.
00:51:03No, I can't. Really, really.
00:51:05No sound comes out.
00:51:07My mouth opens and nothing.
00:51:09I'm a silent screamer.
00:51:11Watch.
00:51:13See? Nothing.
00:51:15Ah!
00:51:19All right, what's going on?
00:51:21Get the keys, Tate.
00:51:27Hey, Danny.
00:51:29Yeah?
00:51:31Hey, Danny, your mother's got our bathroom all tied up with her crying.
00:51:33Can I use yours?
00:51:35Yeah, sure, but what's the matter? Why is she crying?
00:51:37Why is she crying?
00:51:39I don't know.
00:51:41What's the matter? Why is she crying?
00:51:43Why is she crying? Danny, you're getting married.
00:51:45She's been crying since last night.
00:51:47She's crying because I'm getting married?
00:51:49Well, last night she was crying because you're getting married.
00:51:51Tonight she's crying because her eyes look so bad
00:51:53from last night's crying.
00:51:55I don't know. We're all a little excited or upset.
00:51:57Look at me. I got dressed, forgot to shave.
00:51:59Look at me.
00:52:11I love the commercials for this razor.
00:52:13Two swipes, a guy has shaved his entire face.
00:52:15Of course, the man's a eunuch.
00:52:19You know, I've been thinking, Danny.
00:52:21Danny, I've been thinking,
00:52:23you know, I'm not gonna work forever.
00:52:25I mean, you know, I'm gonna retire someday
00:52:27and I don't want to sell my business.
00:52:29I want to be able to pass it on, so I don't know.
00:52:31I've been thinking,
00:52:33how about we become partners?
00:52:35Partners?
00:52:37Yeah.
00:52:39You and me?
00:52:41Gee, Bert, that's wonderful.
00:52:43I mean, what a surprise.
00:52:45Only thing is, right now
00:52:47I'm afraid I can't see my way clear.
00:52:49You can't see your way clear?
00:52:51Yeah.
00:52:53You see, I have a couple of interesting prospects of my own.
00:52:55I'm thinking of becoming a banker.
00:52:59A banker?
00:53:01Yeah.
00:53:03Come on, Danny, what are you talking about?
00:53:05You just don't go out and be a banker?
00:53:07Of course you can.
00:53:09You rent a place, you hire a few tellers,
00:53:11you put up a sign that says bank
00:53:13and the people come by and drop off their dough.
00:53:17Danny, first of all, the government controls the banks.
00:53:19And secondly, you need a lot of money
00:53:21to open a bank.
00:53:23I could borrow some.
00:53:27You're not going to go to a bank
00:53:29to borrow money to open a bank?
00:53:33No good, huh?
00:53:39Well, I have another
00:53:41very interesting idea.
00:53:49Opening up a supermarket.
00:53:51Opening up a supermarket?
00:53:53Yeah.
00:53:55No good?
00:53:59I have a very exciting idea
00:54:01that could revolutionize travel.
00:54:03Revolutionize travel?
00:54:05Yeah. I'm in this department store yesterday, right?
00:54:07And they take my money and put it in a tube.
00:54:09And then they put the tube in a chute and
00:54:11THWACK!
00:54:13Back it comes with my change.
00:54:15So?
00:54:17So I'm thinking, what about a tube like that
00:54:19but bigger?
00:54:21Carrying passengers from New York to L.A.
00:54:23THWACK!
00:54:27Be there in seconds.
00:54:33Listen, Danny, Danny, Danny.
00:54:35Please, you've got to grow up.
00:54:37I mean, what do you know?
00:54:39Your entire experience is driving a car for the mob
00:54:41and suddenly you get all these kind of fancy ideas.
00:54:43You know how to parallel park, Danny.
00:54:45That's it.
00:54:49Danny, I'm offering you a partnership here
00:54:51to be my partner.
00:54:53Your partner, huh?
00:54:55I admit it's not a bank, but it's a start.
00:54:57Campbell and Stepson.
00:55:01No, Danny, you don't say Campbell and Stepson.
00:55:03You say Campbell and Son.
00:55:05Okay.
00:55:07Partners? Partners.
00:55:09There you go.
00:55:15No good, huh?
00:55:19No good.
00:55:39You making those knots secure, Tate?
00:55:41Oh, yes, yes.
00:55:43I make wonderful knots.
00:55:45That's good.
00:55:47No, no, no, no.
00:55:49Come on.
00:55:51Ow!
00:56:05Oh, I got...
00:56:09Tate, are you all right?
00:56:11Wonderful.
00:56:17This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
00:56:19I know.
00:56:21It's not.
00:56:23I know.
00:56:25It's the worst.
00:56:27There.
00:56:29I always thought I'd be nervous but happy.
00:56:31I always thought I'd be happy but sad.
00:56:35I'm just miserable.
00:56:37So am I.
00:56:39I always thought I'd love the girl I married.
00:56:41I always thought the girl you'd marry
00:56:43would be a little like me,
00:56:45but Elaine is...
00:56:47I don't know.
00:56:49She's a pig.
00:56:57Danny,
00:56:59that is a terrible thing to say.
00:57:01It's awful.
00:57:09But it's true.
00:57:11She is.
00:57:13She's a pig.
00:57:17She is not a pig. Don't say that.
00:57:19Don't say that.
00:57:23She's the girl you're going to marry.
00:57:25You can't call her a pig.
00:57:27Even if she is one.
00:57:35Mr. and Mrs. Burt Campbell
00:57:37are happy to announce the marriage of their son Danny
00:57:39to a pig.
00:57:43What?
00:57:55What are we laughing at?
00:58:01How terrible it is
00:58:03that Danny has to marry a girl he hates.
00:58:05Sweet!
00:58:07Sweet!
00:58:23So what's the big joke?
00:58:25You are, dear.
00:58:27Get your flaky sister
00:58:29out of here, please, and for God's sake
00:58:31get dressed. The ceremony's going to start.
00:58:33I am dressed.
00:58:35I am dressed.
00:58:39Wait a minute.
00:58:41You're not supposed to see the groom
00:58:43before the wedding. It's bad luck.
00:58:45And this marriage has got enough going against it already.
00:58:47Come on, dear.
00:58:49Let's wait outside.
00:58:51You? You better move it.
00:58:53The rabbi says he's got to leave in ten minutes.
00:58:55He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals,
00:58:57a bris, and tickets to Pippin.
00:58:59Come on, dear.
00:59:01They'll be along in just a moment.
00:59:03Oh, you do look lovely.
00:59:05You know,
00:59:07no one would guess you're trash.
00:59:13Listen,
00:59:15um,
00:59:17what were we laughing about?
00:59:19I'll tell you later.
00:59:21Oh, yeah, all right, sure.
00:59:23I'll go.
00:59:25Oh.
00:59:31Well,
00:59:33one thing doesn't change no matter who you marry.
00:59:35You're moving out.
00:59:39I'm losing my baby.
00:59:41You're not losing me, Ma.
00:59:43I am, I am, I am.
00:59:45You'll have your own home,
00:59:47your own family,
00:59:49your own refrigerator.
00:59:51You'll never call?
00:59:53Don't be silly. Of course I'll call.
00:59:55When?
00:59:57What do you mean, when? I'll call every day.
00:59:59You will? Of course I will.
01:00:01And you'll come to dinner? Sure.
01:00:03Every night?
01:00:05Oh, Ma.
01:00:07Mrs. Gorney's son got married
01:00:09and moved to California.
01:00:11She hears from him once a year
01:00:13at Christmas.
01:00:15He sends her a card
01:00:17with a picture of his Mercedes.
01:00:20And Mrs. Kadish,
01:00:22poor soul,
01:00:24her son got married and moved away.
01:00:28She hasn't taken a bath in two years.
01:00:32She's afraid he'll call.
01:00:34She'll be in the tub.
01:00:40Come on, Ma.
01:00:42That'll never happen.
01:00:44Oh, I know I sound very silly to you,
01:00:46but someday when you have children,
01:00:49you'll understand that you
01:00:51say goodbye to a bit of your life
01:00:53when you say goodbye to your child.
01:00:57But it's not goodbye, Ma.
01:00:59I'll see you.
01:01:03Yes, of course you will.
01:01:06We'd better go.
01:01:08There are 400 Swedish meatballs
01:01:10getting cold out there.
01:01:14I love you, Ma.
01:01:16I love you, Danny.
01:01:38Oh, perhaps you know,
01:01:40Mr. Lefkowitz,
01:01:42could you tell me why
01:01:44sculptors work in chopped liver
01:01:46instead of marble?
01:01:50So, what about you? You make up your mind yet?
01:01:52About what, Bert?
01:01:54About what, Bert? You're living with a girl and dating a boy,
01:01:56so which one's your girlfriend, the boy or the girl?
01:02:00Because if it's the girl, her father gives the wedding,
01:02:02and if it's the boy, just because he's a football boy,
01:02:04you don't think you're the bride, and I'm giving the wedding
01:02:06because forget about it, I'm not.
01:02:10Hey, Elaine.
01:02:12These are my cousins, Corinne and Eunice.
01:02:14So?
01:02:20Charlie.
01:02:22A black man you invite?
01:02:24A schwarzer?
01:02:28It's their side of the family.
01:02:30Their side?
01:02:32A black man?
01:02:34A blood relative?
01:02:36Nah, you're kidding.
01:02:38The man's a schwa.
01:02:42Schwarzer.
01:02:50Ah, Benson, I'm sorry.
01:02:52I really hope you're not offended.
01:02:54Listen, you're the one who's marrying into this family.
01:02:56If you're happy, I'm tickled pink.
01:03:02Ladies and gentlemen,
01:03:04I'd like to make a toast.
01:03:06This is an occasion
01:03:08I've looked forward to for a very long time.
01:03:10The marriage of my daughter.
01:03:12When my wife died,
01:03:14I promised her on her deathbed
01:03:16I would take care of Elaine
01:03:18till the day she married,
01:03:20that she would never want for anything.
01:03:22I've kept that promise.
01:03:24And so I hand my daughter
01:03:26over to a fine young man
01:03:28who from now on will take care of her
01:03:30because I'm completely
01:03:32cutting her off.
01:03:34She'll never get another penny
01:03:36or hear another word from me as long as I live
01:03:38because she is a disgusting person
01:03:40and nothing thrills me more
01:03:42than to be rid of her forever, l'chaim.
01:03:58This is high.
01:04:00How do we get down?
01:04:02We jump.
01:04:04Forget it.
01:04:06I'll take...
01:04:08Please, after you.
01:04:10Okay.
01:04:12Don't get up.
01:04:14Why?
01:04:16I need something soft to land on.
01:04:22To tell you the truth,
01:04:24Dennis, Elaine's father cut them off completely.
01:04:26And now they have to go live with my parents
01:04:28because Danny doesn't have a dime.
01:04:32Hi.
01:04:34Hi.
01:04:36What are you doing up so late?
01:04:38Waiting for you.
01:04:40Yeah, well, maybe I should go, huh?
01:04:42Don't go. Go.
01:04:44Carol?
01:04:46That's all right.
01:04:48I could use a good night's sleep anyway.
01:04:50I'll talk to you tomorrow.
01:04:54Good night, Carol.
01:04:58I've had it with you, Carol!
01:05:00I can't live like this anymore.
01:05:02I'm moving out.
01:05:04Now, listen, I'll pay half the rent
01:05:06so you're able to get yourself together.
01:05:08Don't do that, Carol.
01:05:10I like my baby.
01:05:12Now she'll see that I'm...
01:05:14What?
01:05:20I love you!
01:05:24All right, Carol, all right.
01:05:26Carol, okay.
01:05:28We'll give it another few weeks.
01:05:30But you've got to understand
01:05:32that we each have our own lives.
01:05:34No.
01:05:36No, you don't understand,
01:05:38and no, we don't have our own lives.
01:05:42Would you talk to me?
01:05:44Things have changed.
01:05:46What things?
01:05:48Things.
01:05:50Could you be more specific?
01:05:56I love you, baby.
01:06:00What?
01:06:02I'm gonna have your baby.
01:06:16You're pregnant?
01:06:18Up until now,
01:06:20that's how you usually had babies.
01:06:24You sure?
01:06:26The rabbit died.
01:06:30Carol?
01:06:32Uh...
01:06:34Carol, uh...
01:06:36How do you know that it's, uh...
01:06:38I mean, how can you be sure that it...
01:06:40It's yours.
01:06:42How can you be sure?
01:06:44Jody, you were the only one.
01:06:46But it was only once.
01:06:48That'll do it.
01:06:52A baby?
01:06:54Yes.
01:06:56A baby?
01:06:58Right.
01:07:00You went to the doctor?
01:07:02Yes.
01:07:04Well, what did he say?
01:07:06You're pregnant.
01:07:08Besides that, I mean...
01:07:10Carol?
01:07:12Are you okay?
01:07:14Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
01:07:16Healthy as a horse.
01:07:18Fine, healthy...
01:07:20mother-to-be.
01:07:22Right.
01:07:24Well,
01:07:26the father-to-be is not your standard model here.
01:07:30I mean, considering he's in love with a man
01:07:32and, uh, up until a few months ago
01:07:34was wearing his mother's clothes,
01:07:36but, hey, that's okay.
01:07:42Oh, Jody.
01:07:44Maybe they made a mistake.
01:07:46I mean, doctors can make mistakes.
01:07:48If you're not an investment banker,
01:07:50sometimes they don't pay attention.
01:07:52I see.
01:07:58Uh...
01:08:00Um...
01:08:04What do you want to do?
01:08:08I'm gonna have the baby.
01:08:12You're gonna have the baby?
01:08:14Yeah.
01:08:20She's gonna have the baby.
01:08:30Be calm?
01:08:32How can I be calm when right after your husband escapes,
01:08:34several other criminals go right out through the same bars
01:08:36that they cut and escape, too?
01:08:38And several of them were killers.
01:08:40Don't you worry. We're gonna catch all of them.
01:08:42Well, there's some of them.
01:08:44I don't...
01:08:46I can't believe that Dad's an escape prisoner.
01:08:48We must shoot escaping prisoners
01:08:50to set an example.
01:08:54I know this is bending the Geneva Accord slightly,
01:08:56but so what?
01:09:00Where is Benson?
01:09:02It's time for our dessert.
01:09:04He's down in the basement, Mom.
01:09:06Oh, darling, would you go down and get him?
01:09:08All right.
01:09:10I hate the basement.
01:09:12It gives me the creeps.
01:09:14The basement doesn't bother me a bit.
01:09:16It's the attic I hate.
01:09:18I don't like the ocean.
01:09:22The ocean always scares me.
01:09:26I wonder where Daddy's gonna go.
01:09:28Probably Mexico or, uh, South America.
01:09:32Oh, I don't think so.
01:09:34Your father and I went there once on a cruise,
01:09:36and he never got out of the bathroom.
01:09:40So what is keeping Billy?
01:09:42Corinne, please, go and see where your brother is.
01:09:44Oh, only if Eunice comes with me.
01:09:48Oh, honestly, Corinne.
01:09:52I once escaped from a POW camp.
01:09:56I dug a tunnel with a spoon
01:09:58and carried the dirt out in my shorts.
01:10:02And after ten months of digging,
01:10:04I finally made my escape through the tunnel.
01:10:06Oh, it was a beautiful tunnel.
01:10:10There was only one thing wrong with it, though.
01:10:12It came out right in Hitler's dressing room.
01:10:18That's nice, Daddy.
01:10:20Eunice, Billy, children, come on.
01:10:22Now I'm ready for my dessert.
01:10:26That's strange.
01:10:30I also ruined my only pair of shorts.
01:10:36Hello?
01:10:40Hello?
01:10:42Where is everybody?
01:10:48Is this a surprise party?
01:10:52Because if it is,
01:10:54I'm not telling you my age.
01:10:58All right, now, come on.
01:11:00Fun's fun, but everybody come up.
01:11:10Jane?
01:11:32All right.
01:11:36I'm coming down now.
01:11:40But please,
01:11:42don't anybody scare me.
01:11:50Billy?
01:11:54Eunice?
01:11:58Corinne?
01:12:10Will Danny and Elaine find happiness
01:12:12even though he thinks she's a farm animal?
01:12:14Will Bert and Mary find happiness
01:12:16living with Danny and a farm animal?
01:12:18Will Jody have to change his life
01:12:20once he's changing diapers?
01:12:22Will Sheriff Tinkler find Chester,
01:12:24Dutch, and the other escaped criminals?
01:12:26And if he does find Chester,
01:12:28what kind of shape will he be in?
01:12:30What's happened to Benson, Billy, Eunice,
01:12:32and Corinne in the basement?
01:12:34And what's going to happen to Jessica?
01:12:36These questions and many others
01:12:38will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.