SOAP Season 1 episodes 1-2
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00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:21to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:30We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:35Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:47They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:54Our story begins early one morning in Dunn's River, Connecticut.
01:02Good morning, Benson.
01:09Isn't it a glorious morning?
01:14I just love mornings like this, birds sing, flowers grow, all's right with the Benson.
01:19What are you cooking?
01:20What does it look like I'm cooking?
01:24It looks like eggs.
01:25Good, then it's eggs.
01:29Benson, the doctor said no eggs.
01:32Mr. Tate's cholesterol level is quite high, eggs could kill him.
01:38Therefore we don't want to cook eggs, do we?
01:40We do.
01:41Benson, Benson, Benson, what am I going to do with you?
01:46Such a mind of your own.
01:49Well, I suppose just this morning it won't hurt.
01:54In fact, let's make something really special for the whole family.
01:57Let's make eggs benedict.
01:58Eggs benedict?
01:59Get out of here.
02:00We'll surprise everyone.
02:01I'll help.
02:02Oh, for the dinner party tonight, I think I'd like for you to make beef wellington.
02:12Forget it.
02:13Why?
02:14I don't like it.
02:15But it's very good, it's Mr. Tate's favorite.
02:19It ain't mine.
02:21I don't like it, so I ain't making it.
02:25I'm making fish.
02:26Mr. Tate hates fish.
02:27I know.
02:28Well, then why are you making it?
02:34Because I like fish more than I like Mr. Tate.
02:38Sweetheart, we went over this last night.
02:42I cannot spend the weekend with you.
02:44How could I explain it to Jessica?
02:47I do want to be with you all the time.
02:51Yes, my little sweet potato.
02:55Sweet potato?
02:56What?
02:57No, no.
02:58Sweet potato futures are much too risky.
03:00Just stick with your blue chips.
03:02The market will move quite sharply.
03:06Right.
03:09Goodbye.
03:17Chester, business so early in the morning.
03:21You work too hard, dear.
03:22Well, somebody has to the way this family spends money.
03:25Can't, Jessica.
03:27Carbohydrates.
03:28Chester, I waited up for you last night.
03:32I hardly ever get to see you anymore.
03:34I worked late.
03:36Told you.
03:37Till 2.30?
03:39Didn't you hear?
03:40What?
03:41Wasn't it on the news?
03:42No.
03:45What wasn't on the news?
03:47Accident.
03:48Big accident on the expressway.
03:51Huh?
03:52A hog truck overturned.
03:56A hog truck?
03:58Biggest mess I have ever seen.
04:01Traffic didn't move for hours.
04:04Dead hogs all over.
04:08Oh, my.
04:10Chester, I know it's morning and it is light out and everything,
04:16but I was just thinking, Chester, maybe we could...
04:19Some other time, Jess.
04:21I'm exhausted from lifting all those hogs.
04:28Lifting them?
04:29Well, I had to, Jess.
04:30I couldn't just sit there in my car
04:32and let some old farmer move 40 dead hogs off the southbound lane all by himself.
04:38Chester, I mean, I just never thought about you moving them.
04:41I had to move them, Jess.
04:43If I hadn't moved them,
04:45the fire trucks couldn't have gotten through.
04:50Fire truck?
04:51Right.
04:52To put out the fire.
04:53The fire?
04:54Yes.
04:56On the, uh, fuel truck that overturned.
05:00Chester, a fuel truck overturned?
05:02Yes.
05:04When the hog truck hit it.
05:05Huh?
05:06You see, the hog truck hit the fuel truck,
05:08which burst into flames,
05:10and it needed the fire truck,
05:11which couldn't get through until I moved the hogs.
05:15And that's why I'm so tired, Jessica.
05:20Where is Corinne?
05:22Hey, Eudice, this is my room.
05:24Your sister stole my new lavender scarf.
05:26She's not your sister.
05:28She probably stayed out all night again.
05:30Hey, listen, no aggravation, huh?
05:32Tonight I have my first date.
05:34I also have a pimple.
05:35Now, what I'd like to know is, why me?
05:37Why not you or anybody else in this crazy family?
05:40Everyone in this house is one way or another
05:42totally deficient as a human being,
05:44and I get the zit.
05:46Well, maybe it's because you have the dirty mind.
05:49Eunice, blow it out your ears.
05:53Good morning, Major.
05:55Hi, Gramps.
06:01Do you read this filth?
06:03No, Eunice, I look at the pictures.
06:05How can you even bring it into the house?
06:07Because I like it, Eunice.
06:08I like naked ladies.
06:09I like to look at them.
06:10I like to be near them.
06:11And someday, Eunice,
06:12I'll be able to look at you naked.
06:15And someday, Eunice,
06:16given the opportunity,
06:17I would like to touch them.
06:20You're sick.
06:21Fine, I'm sick.
06:22Coming from a person who's never seen herself nude,
06:25I think that was great.
06:33You know, you and Corinne are both exactly the same.
06:36You're both perverts.
06:38Good morning, Benson.
06:40Here it is.
06:41Oh, Benson, you're terrific.
06:42It works for everything.
06:43Does it work for pimples?
06:44Well, it's hard to say
06:45because it's not actually for pimples.
06:47You see, we don't get pimples.
06:49God said,
06:50I won't give them pimples.
06:52I'll just screw up their hair.
07:00Thanks a lot, Benson.
07:01Good.
07:02Only one in this family worth a damn.
07:08Here you go, Benson.
07:15Yes, Capo, tell Godfather not to worry.
07:18I can arrange everything.
07:34Morning.
07:38What are you eating?
07:40Fruit loops.
07:44Listen, Danny,
07:45I've been wanting to have a little talk with you.
07:47Sure.
07:48Now, I know I'm not your father.
07:50Right.
07:51But I am your stepfather,
07:53and I'd like to thank your buddy.
07:55All right, all right, okay, all right.
07:59We haven't been such great buddies up till now,
08:02but there's no reason we can't start.
08:04Danny, I'm worried.
08:06We all know what you're doing.
08:08It's no secret.
08:09We weren't born yesterday.
08:10I hear those phone calls in Sicilian.
08:12Stop.
08:13Stop before it's too late.
08:15Stop before somebody gets hurt.
08:17Well, I'm sure plenty of people have been hurt already.
08:20Stop before you get blood on your hands.
08:22Real blood.
08:24Or more blood if you already got some.
08:26I don't know, Danny.
08:28Danny, leave that bunch of Italian gangsters.
08:31There is no bunch.
08:34Boy, it gets me mad.
08:36Everyone's always picking on the Italians.
08:39Anytime they find a dead guy in Brooklyn,
08:41right away it's the Italians.
08:42They find a body in the trunk of a guy's car,
08:44it's the Italians.
08:45Well, I'm a sick of it.
08:46I'm a sick, sick, sick.
08:47But you're not even Italian.
08:48Don't tell me I'm not Italian!
08:52You're not Italian.
08:53Oh, yeah?
08:54Yeah.
08:55Listen, Bert, if you don't leave me alone,
08:57you're gonna be in big trouble.
08:58Oh, yeah?
08:59Yeah.
09:00Yeah, what kind of big trouble?
09:02This kind of trouble.
09:04See this?
09:06This is your head.
09:12Oh, yeah?
09:13Yeah.
09:15Watch this.
09:17This is your neck.
09:24Okay.
09:26How about this?
09:29This is your spine.
09:34These are your brains.
09:42And this is your head.
09:48You already did my head, you jerk.
09:53This is your heart.
10:00You think you're so tough.
10:04How about this?
10:07That was your body.
10:11Jody, breakfast is ready.
10:13You should be quiet now.
10:14It's your mother.
10:15If she didn't love you,
10:16if she didn't love you so much,
10:18I swear I'd kill you, Bert.
10:24Funny, funny story.
10:25Remind me never to serve you guys breakfast in bed.
10:28Yeah, well, somebody must have left the window open last night
10:31and a cat got in.
10:32A cat?
10:33Well, maybe a monkey.
10:34A monkey?
10:35Oh, yeah, they can wreck a place.
10:36You ever see they cage at the zoo?
10:38A monkey?
10:39In Connecticut?
10:41Could happen.
10:42Yeah, sure.
10:49Oh, what a beautiful morning.
10:52Hi, big brother.
10:53Hiya, little brother.
10:54Why don't you offer him some Froot Loops?
10:56It'd be very appropriate.
11:01Listen, you animal.
11:03I told you before, my brother is not the Froot.
11:06He's a practical joker with a wonderful sense of humor.
11:14He likes to make people laugh.
11:16Hey, hey, that's enough.
11:18Put your father down.
11:19Stepfather.
11:20Just put him down.
11:23This is like having breakfast with the Marx Brothers.
11:27Now, this morning, I want some peace and quiet.
11:30Nobody calls anybody a Froot, an animal, a jerk, anything.
11:38Well, I'm late.
11:39I gotta go change, so you won't hear the word animal.
11:44Out of me.
12:01I gotta get to work, Mom, so you won't hear the word Froot out of him.
12:04Bye.
12:05Bye, Bert.
12:08Bert, I think it's time we had a talk.
12:11About what?
12:13Darling, something's been troubling you.
12:16You just haven't been yourself lately.
12:20Well, it's the boys.
12:21I don't think we're getting along.
12:24I know you want them to like you, Bert, but that's not the problem.
12:27I mean, I know it's been rough finding out about their father committing suicide, us getting married,
12:31but still I thought they could replace my own sons.
12:33That's not the problem, Bert.
12:35That's not it.
12:37Are you kidding?
12:38Not seeing my own sons for 15 years?
12:40Do you know how hard that is?
12:42I know, but that's not it.
12:4315 years since she took my kids and moved to Hawaii because she decides,
12:47I don't have enough class.
12:49She can do better.
12:50So she moves to Hawaii.
12:51That's where she's gonna find class.
12:53Forget about it.
12:54I got news for you.
12:55Know what she found?
12:56A bunch of short, fat guys wearing loud shirts.
12:58That's what she found.
13:02So she moves to Hawaii.
13:05The music alone is enough to keep you away from that island.
13:08That's not it.
13:09That's not the problem, Bert.
13:11Your ex-wife is not the problem.
13:13Well, what do you mean?
13:14It's not just my wife.
13:15What about your sister and her family?
13:16They're not a problem?
13:17The high and mighty tates looking down on me because I work with my hands?
13:21That jerk Chester in his tweets.
13:23A man who will jump on anything with a pulse, and he's got class.
13:29And that's why I'm not going there for dinner tonight.
13:31You are going there for dinner tonight, Bert.
13:34Chester and Jessica are not the problem.
13:38All right, I'll go, but only because I love you.
13:43I love you, Mary.
13:49And I haven't been able to make love to you.
13:51That's the problem.
13:54Well, now I've given you all the reasons.
13:55Those are not the reasons.
13:56I'm sure they're the reasons I lie in bed trouble over all those things.
14:00Bert, all those things have been going on for a long time.
14:03They're not suddenly the reasons.
14:05They're not?
14:06They're not.
14:07I was sure they were.
14:08Bert, listen.
14:10When you're ready to talk, I'll be here.
14:14And I'll understand, I promise you.
14:18I love you.
14:19So there's nothing in the world so terrible that I wouldn't understand.
14:27There's nothing you wouldn't understand.
14:30I could tell you anything, and there's nothing you wouldn't understand.
14:34I love you.
14:39How can I tell you your husband didn't commit suicide?
14:42That he didn't kill himself?
14:44That he was a criminal who did terrible things,
14:46and I killed him out of love for you?
14:49How in the world can I tell you I killed your husband and you'd understand?
15:05Where are Billy and Corinne?
15:07I want us all to have breakfast together this morning like a real family.
15:11Corinne never comes home, Mother.
15:13I mean, does anyone even know if Corinne is still living in this house?
15:16Oh, don't be silly, dear.
15:18Of course she's living here. Her mail comes here.
15:23Good morning, Benson.
15:24No, thank you.
15:25Just coffee, Benson.
15:27Dear, it's Eggs Benedict.
15:32Jessica, do you know the cholesterol count of that?
15:34You might just as well get a gun and put it to my head.
15:37Now you're talking.
15:44Benson, did you put sugar in this?
15:47Is it sweet?
15:48Very.
15:49Then I guess I did.
15:51Benson, how many times do I have to tell you?
15:53I am a diabetic. I can't have sugar.
15:57Oh, I keep thinking there's salt you can't have.
16:01I can't have salt either.
16:03Ain't no salt in there.
16:07Just get me another cup, please, and this time don't put anything in it.
16:10Breakfast.
16:17Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
16:18Hi, Smiley.
16:19Grow up.
16:21Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom. Bye, Bubbles.
16:23You can't eat breakfast.
16:24I can't, Mom. I'm late for school.
16:26Anyway, the major is still in the shower, and if I leave now, I won't get caught in the crossfire.
16:34Benson.
16:36Is this some kind of black humor?
16:41This cup is empty.
16:43You said don't put anything in it.
16:46Just give me coffee, please.
16:58Do you realize that Benson has not said one word to me in 12 years?
17:06Well, dear, it's just that you have such different interests.
17:14Dad's shooting at Mr. Kirby again.
17:19Really, Daddy, you ought to put that old man away. He is crazy.
17:23Eunice, your grandfather suffered a severe shock in the war, but he's not crazy.
17:27Here we go, Dad.
17:28At ease, men.
17:29At ease, men.
17:33Everyone, say good morning to the major.
17:36Good morning, Major.
17:38After breakfast, boy, maybe you'll sing a little song for me.
17:52Daddy, Daddy, dear, we don't call them boy.
17:57Do you call them boogies?
18:01No, Daddy. His name is Benson.
18:03If my gun hadn't jammed, I'd have got him this time.
18:08Damn German patrol parties.
18:10It isn't a patrol party, Dad. It's our neighbors, Mr. Kirby.
18:13You expect me to believe our neighbor is a Nazi?
18:16Of course he's not a Nazi. He just drives a Mercedes.
18:21Colonel, who is this woman?
18:24What I'd like to know is where does he get the bullets?
18:31Baby, it's time to go.
18:32Yes, Daddy. Goodbye, darling.
18:35Chester, please try to come home early tonight for dinner.
18:37Mary and Bert and the boys are coming.
18:39Why are they coming?
18:41That's what I say. Why are they coming?
18:43This family is bad enough, they're worse.
18:46Shut up, Benson.
18:48Hey, boy, sing a little song for me.
18:53Come on, boy.
18:54Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home.
18:59Daddy.
19:02Nobody ate any eggs.
19:05Benson, perhaps on your day off, you'd like to take them home.
19:12Oh, I'd sure like that, Mrs. Kirby.
19:16Oh, I'd sure like that, Miss Tate.
19:19We just lost three-day-old eggs Benedict got in the ghetto.
19:24The little children can use them for hockey pucks.
19:32Hi, Ma.
19:33Hello, Corinne.
19:34Hiya, Major.
19:35Is it true you didn't come home last night?
19:37Your sister said you didn't come home.
19:39It's true, Ma. It's true.
19:41Who were you out with?
19:43You don't know him.
19:44Neither do you.
19:47Um, I couldn't help it, Ma. You see, there was this, uh, accident.
19:52Another accident?
19:54Yeah, a turkey truck overturned and there were these turkeys all over the road.
20:00Turkeys and hogs all in one night.
20:03No hogs, Ma, just turkeys.
20:06No, your father's was hogs.
20:08Hogs and turkeys, my, my.
20:11Must have been a terrible night for the fathers.
20:15Well, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm wiped out.
20:18Well, I guess I'll go for my tennis lesson.
20:21Bye.
20:32Boom!
20:41Whoo!
20:54Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
20:56How could I do this to Chester?
20:59Sweet, wonderful Chester, who thinks I'm here improving my backhand.
21:05What time is it?
21:06Oh, uh, almost noon.
21:08I'm afraid I have to go soon. I have to meet my sister for lunch.
21:12Oh, right.
21:13Oh, Chester, sweet, wonderful Chester.
21:16Who's Chester?
21:17My husband. It would kill him if he knew about this.
21:21Oh, so don't tell him.
21:22He'll know. I mean, he will take one look at my face and he'll know.
21:27Does my face look any different to you?
21:30No.
21:31Good.
21:33Come on.
21:34Good old Chester's probably boffed a secretary or two in his day.
21:38Boffed?
21:39Yeah, Chester's a guy.
21:41What is boffed?
21:43It's what... It's what we just did, sweetheart.
21:47Oh, I didn't know you called it that.
21:50To boff?
21:51That sounds like a name you'd give a puppy.
21:56Here, boff. Here, boff.
21:57Here, boff.
21:59Well, I mean, I just never heard that before, you know.
22:02I bet Chester hasn't either.
22:04You know, when Chester says to me,
22:06Jessica, what did you do today?
22:08I bet I could say to him,
22:09Oh, I boffed, and he wouldn't even know what I was talking about.
22:12Uh, don't try it.
22:14Uh, you probably do this all the time,
22:18but I've never done this before.
22:21What?
22:22Well, I mean, of course, if we're married, I have done this.
22:25But, I mean, it's always been with Chester's.
22:27I see, I always thought it would be more or less the same,
22:30but it is different with you.
22:32Well, I mean, basically, it's the same activity.
22:35Look, babe, I've got another lesson,
22:37and you've got to go meet your friend for lunch.
22:39Right, my sister.
22:40Your sister, right.
22:41And not that door. That's my 1230 lesson.
22:43The back door, for your protection, you know.
22:45Uh, Chester.
22:46Chester, right.
22:47Goodbye.
22:48Bye.
22:53What?
22:54Uh, thank you.
22:55Don't mention it.
23:03Corinne, hi.
23:05Hi.
23:13Will Jessica find out about Corinne and Peter?
23:17Will Corinne find out about Jessica and Peter?
23:22Will Bert tell Mary he killed her first husband?
23:27Will Billy's zit disappear before his first date?
23:31Will Benson make fish?
23:33These questions, and many others,
23:35will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
23:46This is the story of two sisters,
23:49Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
23:53Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
23:57Jessica likes life.
23:59The only thing about life she would change, if she could,
24:02is that she would set it all to music.
24:06The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
24:12We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
24:15Mary, too, likes life.
24:17Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
24:21As you can see,
24:22the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
24:26They do, however, have as many secrets.
24:34Remember the Tates, Jessica and her husband, Chester?
24:37Chester's a guy who fools around with everyone but his wife.
24:40And poor Jessica, because Chester's been so busy,
24:43has taken up with Peter the tennis pro,
24:45who in turn has been busy with Jessica's daughter, Corinne.
24:48Of course, Jessica doesn't know Peter's been busy with Corinne,
24:51and Chester's been busy with everyone.
24:53Jessica just wishes she'd gone shopping instead.
24:56Remember the Campbells,
24:57Jessica's sister, Mary, and her second husband, Bert?
25:00The Campbells have problems.
25:02Mary has two problems.
25:03Her son, Danny, is into mob.
25:05Her other son, Jody, is gay.
25:07Danny and Bert have a problem.
25:09They don't get along.
25:10Jody and Bert have a problem.
25:12They don't get along either.
25:13Mary and Bert have a problem.
25:15Bert can't make love to Mary, and she doesn't know why.
25:18Bert has the biggest problem of all.
25:20He knows why.
25:21He murdered her first husband.
25:27We begin this week's episode of Soap
25:29shortly after Jessica's tennis lesson.
25:33Mary, oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
25:36I was, uh, taking a tennis lesson.
25:39You know something?
25:40You're looking absolutely wonderful these days.
25:43Really? Oh, thank you.
25:45Younger. You look younger.
25:47Oh, no.
25:48Yes, really.
25:49What are you doing?
25:50Nothing.
25:52Jessie, you're blushing.
25:54Well, I mean, you're making such a fuss.
25:57Jessie, you didn't.
25:59No, I didn't.
26:00You devil, you.
26:02Mary.
26:03You can tell your own sister.
26:04When did you do it?
26:05Mary, shh.
26:06I can't believe you did that without telling me.
26:09Mary.
26:10Did it hurt?
26:11Oh, Mary, come on.
26:13I've always wanted to,
26:15but I'm afraid Bert would kill me.
26:17He's very old-fashioned, you know.
26:19If he knew I wanted a facelift...
26:21Mary, please don't tell anyone. Please.
26:23I swear.
26:24Facelift?
26:26Who did it?
26:27What?
26:28The facelift.
26:29What facelift?
26:30Jessica.
26:31Did you or did you not have a facelift?
26:33Not. I not.
26:34No, I didn't.
26:36Then what did you have me swear to?
26:40I didn't have a facelift.
26:43Jessie.
26:44So, Mary, how are the kids?
26:48Jessie.
26:49Oh, Mary.
26:50Oh, Jessie, no.
26:52Oh, Jessie.
26:53Oh.
26:54Mary, if you ever tell a soul, I'll kill you.
26:58Who is he, my dear?
27:00I'm your sister.
27:01I still can't tell you.
27:02I knew it was something.
27:04You're glowing.
27:05I can't believe it.
27:07My sister is having an...
27:14What am I going to do?
27:16I mean, I can't go around glowing.
27:18Chester will know.
27:20I can't go home.
27:24Jessie, Chester won't notice.
27:27He hasn't looked at you since you were 30.
27:29Now tell me, what does he look like?
27:31You know what Chester looks like.
27:35No, him.
27:37Oh, him.
27:38Tall, dark, very athletic.
27:42How old?
27:44I think I need a drink.
27:47He's younger.
27:48How old is he?
27:49Younger.
27:50How young could he be?
27:51Young.
27:53How old?
27:5435.
27:5630?
27:58Oh, my God, he's 25.
28:01Don't be ridiculous.
28:02Of course he's not 25.
28:04Well, ladies...
28:05He's 28.
28:0628.
28:08That's wonderful.
28:1028.
28:12No wonder you glow.
28:16Uh, Mary, uh...
28:19Never mind.
28:20Jessie, you can tell me.
28:22No, you'd be shocked.
28:24Jessie, I have a son who's gay.
28:26What could possibly shock me?
28:28Jodie's not gay.
28:32Tell me, Jessie.
28:37You see, I never realized that I was a...
28:41physical person.
28:44You see? You're shocked.
28:46I don't know exactly what you mean.
28:48You know, physical.
28:51I don't know.
28:52I like it, Mary.
28:56That's the shocking thing?
28:59Oh, Jessie, you're an original.
29:03Uh, Mary, I have to ask you a question.
29:06I'm so glad you're open-minded about this.
29:09Uh, when you and Bert, you know, when you...
29:12We don't.
29:13Don't?
29:14No.
29:15Since when?
29:16Long enough for me to forget how.
29:18Well, when you did, did you ever feel, uh...
29:22I mean, just for a few seconds,
29:24did you ever have a strange feel?
29:27I don't know how to describe it.
29:30A feeling like you had melted butter in your veins
29:33instead of blood.
29:36Mary?
29:37Shh.
29:38I'm remembering.
29:41Oh, thank God.
29:43I thought there was something wrong with me.
29:47Mary, what have I done?
29:49I mean, in all these years,
29:50Chester has never so much as looked at another woman,
29:53and now I have done this.
29:55I don't deserve to live.
29:57Jessie, you've got to stop doing this to yourself.
30:01Has it ever occurred to you that Chester
30:04might have been unfaithful?
30:06Oh, Mary, please.
30:08Chester hardly ever does it with me,
30:10but with a stranger?
30:12Never.
30:17Yes, my love, I know.
30:19It just gets better and better.
30:23As soon as I can, Pigeon.
30:25I love you.
30:27Bye.
30:34Here's your coffee.
30:35Ah!
30:39What's the matter? Not enough cream?
30:41What is the matter with you?
30:42It just gets better and better.
30:45Oh, that was really smart, Chester.
30:46It was really smart to make a call like that from your office
30:49when I can sit outside and listen to it.
30:50I mean, you are really smart.
30:52Is that it? Is that what you're carrying on about?
30:54Don't bother, Chester.
30:56Don't bother telling me you were talking about the stock market
30:58when you said it gets better and better.
31:00As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I was talking about.
31:03To Pigeon?
31:05Pigeon, Chester.
31:06Who, Walter Pigeon?
31:11Okay, Claire, you caught me.
31:13I did it.
31:15I, uh, spent the night with another woman.
31:18Do you know how long I've been your secretary, Chester?
31:20Since I was 18.
31:22And since I was 19, you've been telling me you'll leave your wife.
31:25Well, now I'm 30, Chester.
31:28Three weeks ago, I was 30 years old.
31:31It's all right. I sent myself flowers and signed your name.
31:3530 years old, and I'm still waiting for you to leave your wife.
31:38Once. I cheated once.
31:41You cheated once?
31:43That's right.
31:44With this Pigeon person?
31:46Right.
31:47Tell me, do you call her Pigeon because she coos
31:50or because she's a carrier of filth?
31:54Oh, Claire.
31:58You know, Chester, I've known about Pigeon for weeks.
32:02And before that, I knew about the blonde in securities,
32:04the redheaded switchboard operator,
32:06the brunette in payroll.
32:11I've watched you work your way up through half this building, Chester.
32:14I never knew if you were doing it by floor or hair color.
32:18That's enough, Claire. I've had it.
32:21I have had it.
32:23Do you know what you've turned into?
32:25You have turned into a wife.
32:28You're fired, Claire.
32:29I'm fired?
32:30That's right. You're fired.
32:31Oh, no. I'm not fired, Chester.
32:33Yes, you are.
32:34All right. The boss and I have fired you.
32:35Wrong, Chester.
32:37I am now the boss.
32:39You see, you fire me and I tell Jessica everything.
32:42Fine. Tell Jessica. She'll never believe you.
32:44And then maybe I'll call the SEC
32:46and tell them what you did with the Whitney Trust Fund.
32:49They'll believe you.
32:52So, Chester, now let's talk about us
32:55and where we'll take our vacation
32:57and how much of a raise I'm going to get.
32:59Oh, I do need a raise, Chester.
33:01My apartment is much too small.
33:03On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't rent a bigger one.
33:07Maybe we should buy me a condominium.
33:10Your tax advantages will be substantial.
33:13And with my expensive tastes,
33:15you're going to need all the help you can get.
33:21Jody.
33:23Jody, how many times do I have to tell you
33:25to leave my things alone?
33:27Mother.
33:28Look at that.
33:29My wig, my necklace, my best dress.
33:31Oh, you wear that belted.
33:34I thought of wearing it belted.
33:37It looks much better that way.
33:39Sure, it breaks up the straight line here.
33:41Then you just blouse it slightly at the waist.
33:43Well, it's much more slimming.
33:45Definitely.
33:46Jody, get out of my clothes.
33:48Mother, sit down.
33:49Jody, come on.
33:50Mother, how would you like a daughter?
33:53What are you talking about?
33:55Sit down, Ma.
33:56Jody, just tell me.
33:58I'm thinking of having a sex change operation.
34:05A sex change operation.
34:07A sex change operation.
34:09Right.
34:10I better sit down.
34:17By a sex change operation,
34:19do you mean a sex change operation?
34:22I spoke to Dr. Fletcher today.
34:24I'm not thinking about what I'm going to tell people, Jody.
34:27I couldn't care less.
34:29The thing is, I just got used to you being a...
34:32Homosexual.
34:34I mean, I always thought you'd outgrow it,
34:36but it was just a phase.
34:38And now, when I'm finally used to you being a...
34:41Homosexual.
34:43You're going to get a sex change operation and be a girl?
34:47Jody, for God's sakes, what am I going to tell people?
34:50Oh, my God.
34:51I think I'm having a cerebral hemorrhage.
34:53I can feel it.
34:54Mother, just...
34:56I mean, you're casually going out and doing this thing
34:58like it was nothing.
35:00It's not like getting a haircut, Jody.
35:03A major artery just went.
35:05Fine, in ten minutes, I'll be dead.
35:07I won't have to worry.
35:08Mother, Mom, listen to me.
35:10Mother, Mom, I should be a woman.
35:15I've always felt like a woman.
35:19Mom, remember when I was four years old and it was Christmas
35:23and you gave Danny and me those little plastic shaving kits?
35:26Remember?
35:27Remember how Danny took that little plastic razor
35:30and started to shave his face?
35:32I shaved my legs, Mom.
35:35Mom, it was apparent then.
35:37Mary, Mary, where are you?
35:38Wait till you hear the news.
35:39Oh, I'm sorry.
35:40I didn't realize you had company.
35:41I didn't...
35:42Oh, God!
35:46What the hell does he think he's doing?
35:49He's not going out dressed like that, is he?
35:52No, no, it's too chilling.
35:53I'll take a rap.
35:56Bye, Barrett.
35:57Oh, yeah.
36:01He's sick.
36:03So am I.
36:04He looks better in that dress than I do.
36:07Mary, Mary, have I got news.
36:09Guess what happened an hour ago.
36:10Come on, just guess.
36:11Barrett, please.
36:12I think I just had a minor cerebral hemorrhage.
36:14I can't guess.
36:16I was in the sporting goods store
36:17buying some tackle for my fishing trip
36:19when suddenly I heard a salesman say,
36:21Mr. Campbell, I have the balls you ordered.
36:23Well, being Mr. Campbell and not having ordered any balls,
36:25naturally I looked up.
36:26Who's standing there, Mary?
36:28A transsexual.
36:30No, Mary, it's my son.
36:33Mary, my oldest son right there.
36:36Well, I went right up and introduced myself.
36:38I mean, it's been 15 years.
36:39He didn't recognize me.
36:40Mary, wait till you see him.
36:42He's terrific.
36:44Oh, he's tall and he's great looking.
36:46Wonderful.
36:47He can date Jody.
36:49No.
36:50He's going to meet us at Jessica's.
36:52Wait till they see him.
36:53I don't have enough class for him.
36:55My son's got enough class for both of us, plus.
36:59Ah, my son.
37:02My son married in how strange it feels saying my son.
37:06Oh, yeah?
37:08Wait till you try saying my daughter.
37:26Godfather?
37:28Oh, Danny.
37:29Over here, Danny.
37:30Come in, come in.
37:32Danny, I hear you want to resign from the family.
37:36Yeah.
37:37Boy, is it real hot in here or is it me?
37:40It's good for you, Danny.
37:42This opens up your pores.
37:44You know, Danny, if you leave, you're going to disappoint me.
37:49But worse than disappointing me,
37:52you're going to disappoint somebody else.
37:54Somebody I don't think you want to disappoint.
37:56Who?
37:57Your dead father.
37:59I don't know why I come in here.
38:01I hate the heat.
38:02You knew my father?
38:04Oh, very well, Danny.
38:06Your father was one of our best soldiers.
38:10My father?
38:11Well, how do you think you got this job, Danny,
38:13when you get out of the army, eh?
38:15We applied to the Veterans Administration.
38:17We need people.
38:18We call up the New York Times.
38:20We need people.
38:21We call up the New York Times and say,
38:23hello, send over another hood.
38:25Danny, use your head, eh?
38:28I can't believe it.
38:29So you see, Danny, now the only way to let you go
38:34is if you have just as much to lose as we got to lose.
38:38I don't know what you mean.
38:39Well, we'll make a deal, Danny.
38:42You do us a favor and we do you a favor.
38:45Hey, sure, name it.
38:47What favor?
38:48A contract.
38:50You mean kill a man?
38:52Oh, Danny, a contract.
38:54You want to call it kill, you call it kill.
38:56Personally, I don't like the word.
38:59Well, who would it be?
39:01It would be the man who killed your father.
39:06Boy, this is some heat over here.
39:08The man who killed my father?
39:09No, that's impossible.
39:11My father committed suicide.
39:13Suicide?
39:15No, he didn't.
39:16Yes, Godfather, that's what they said.
39:18The autopsy showed that he had...
39:19The autopsy showed...
39:20No, Danny, he didn't, no.
39:22Your father was killed.
39:24You know, I've been coming over here for 23 years
39:26to open up my pores.
39:28What I want to know is,
39:29what is so terrific about opening your pores?
39:31Who killed him?
39:32I mean, do people walk down the street,
39:33they say, look at him, how nice.
39:35Look at those nice open pores.
39:37No, no.
39:38Nice hat, nice haircut.
39:39They say nothing about the pores.
39:41You killed my father.
39:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
39:46It's all right, it's all right.
39:48Danny, now, we're going to tell you
39:51who killed your father
39:53when you agreed to do the job
39:55and not before, huh?
39:57Now, Danny, come on, you kiss the ring
39:59because Sheldon and I got some business over here.
40:01Ah.
40:03Talk.
40:05Boy, this is a lot for one day.
40:07All right, all right.
40:08Goodbye, Danny.
40:09Ci vediamo.
40:13You think this is a lot for one day?
40:15Tomorrow, wait until he finds out
40:17the man he has to kill
40:19is his own stepfather.
40:22But he's a nice boy.
40:35Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
40:36Hi, Benson.
40:37Nice to see you.
40:38Hi.
40:41Guess what, Benson?
40:43My long-lost son I haven't seen in 15 years
40:45is coming here tonight for dinner.
40:47Wonderful.
40:48I'm the one who makes the meals,
40:49I'm the one who sets the table,
40:51and I'm always the last one to know.
40:54Hello, Daddy.
40:56Benson, this is all wrong.
40:59The avocado and the shrimp should not be separated.
41:01The shrimp should go in the avocado.
41:03Here, Tinkerbell, stuff it.
41:07I'm so nervous, my hands are shaking.
41:09I need a drink.
41:10Benson, I'll have a vodka with a twist.
41:12Yes, sir.
41:22Hey, Benson,
41:24could you tell the Tates we're here?
41:26Very well.
41:29They're here!
41:35Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
41:36Oh, Dad, listen, I need 10 bucks.
41:38What for?
41:39I got a date.
41:40What do you mean, you have a date?
41:41You're 12 years old.
41:43I'm 14.
41:46Yeah, you'll be 15 in October.
41:49Thanks, Dad.
41:50Good night, Mom.
41:51Not too late.
41:52Don't wait up.
41:55Are you sure he's 14?
41:58Mm-hmm.
41:59He was born October 28, 1962.
42:02I always remember that it was October of 62
42:05because that was when the washing machine broke
42:07and I had to go to the laundromat that week.
42:10And I went into labor between wash and spin dry.
42:15Oh, what are you looking at, Chester?
42:19You.
42:20You look terrific.
42:22Oh.
42:23Is that the glow you noticed?
42:26Well, you see, it's this new makeup that I'm wearing
42:31that I'm allergic to.
42:33You see, it sort of gives off this glowing effect,
42:36which, of course, it's not supposed to do.
42:39It's just that it's the allergy.
42:41Uh, I, uh, Chester, uh, could we go downstairs now?
42:46Because, you see, the Campbells are here
42:47and the food's gonna get overcooked
42:49and Benson's gonna have a fit.
42:51But, uh, if you're not, uh, if you're not ready,
42:55I'll just go down first and you come when you are ready,
42:59which is probably a better idea anyway.
43:02Thank you.
43:08My son.
43:09My son.
43:10After 15 years, I'm gonna be with my son.
43:13I'm so nervous, I need another drink.
43:16Drink up, Captain.
43:18We move out at dawn.
43:22Gramps, World War II is over.
43:26This war will be over with the invasion of Nop.
43:35Ask to borrow my scarf, Corinne.
43:37I did not take your scarf.
43:39I always lend you my things, don't I?
43:41Last week, I lent you my black pantsuit, didn't I?
43:43Of course, it came back with an entire leg missing,
43:46but did I complain?
43:48You want your scarf?
43:49Take a look over there.
43:51You thieving little fruit.
43:55Hey, wait a minute.
43:59My brother is not a fruit.
44:01He's a practical joker with a wonderful sense of humor.
44:04Danny, put her down. She's a girl.
44:07Children, children. Now, let's not squabble.
44:10Stop it. We're a family.
44:12Yes, that's right.
44:14And a lovely family, too.
44:20Now, come on.
44:21Everybody sit down.
44:23Come on, Daddy.
44:25I want us all to have a nice time.
44:30Now, we're all going to have some lovely conversations.
44:41My son is coming.
44:43After 15 years, I'm gonna be with my son.
44:45We know, Bert. We know.
44:47It's boring already.
44:54Aunt Jessica, you look terrific tonight.
44:57No, no, no, I don't.
44:59I don't look terrific at all.
45:01It's an allergy. I'm sick.
45:04That's what it is. I'm sick, sick.
45:12I'm considering getting a sex change operation.
45:18Would you listen to him?
45:20Would you listen to him?
45:22What a sense of humor.
45:24He doesn't need an operation. He could pass now.
45:28You take that back.
45:29Take your hands off my daughter.
45:33My son, my son, my son.
45:38This is my job, turkey.
45:42Dad.
45:43Peter.
45:44Peter.
45:45Peter.
45:48Corinne.
45:49Corinne.
45:50Jessica.
45:51Mother.
45:52Corinne.
45:53Jessica.
45:54Oh, my God.
46:01Jessica.
46:03Peter.
46:06Mother.
46:08Peter.
46:18Will Jody have a sex change operation?
46:22Will Danny take the contract and find out that Bert, his stepfather, killed his father?
46:29Will Jessica find out about Chester and his secretary, Claire?
46:34Will Chester find out about Jessica and Peter?
46:39Will Corinne find out about Jessica and Peter?
46:43Will Jessica find out about Corinne and Peter?
46:48Will Bert find out?
46:51Will Benson find out?
46:53Will Benson care?
46:56These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
47:17Soap.