SOAP 1980 Season 2 episodes 5-6
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Chester had a plan.
00:04To keep from being lonely in the basement,
00:06he made friends with a pet rat named Arnold.
00:09Unfortunately, Benson didn't know he was a pet.
00:12This ruined Chester's plan,
00:14not to mention any plan Arnold might have had.
00:16Meanwhile, Bert told Danny a plan to help him change Elaine,
00:20and Carol told Jodi her plan to keep the baby.
00:23Tim and Corinne's plan for their wedding night
00:25was interrupted by a call from Tim's mother saying she was dying.
00:29Tim, who was sure she was faking,
00:31decided to go to her immediately or by the weekend at the latest.
00:35Dutch had to go on the run, but planned to return to see Eunice.
00:38And Chester, although he hadn't planned anything of the kind,
00:41had an attack and was rushed to the hospital.
00:44Confused? He won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:52This is the story of two sisters,
00:56Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
01:01These are the Tates.
01:04And these are the Campbells.
01:08And this is Soap.
01:26MUSIC
01:38At approximately 9.05, the doorbell rang.
01:41Then what? Then what?
01:43I told you. Tell us again.
01:45Tell us again.
01:47I went to the door, I opened it,
01:49I discovered Mr. Tate on the doorstep, unconscious.
01:52I don't know how much longer I can stand this waiting.
01:55Don't worry, Mother. I'm sure we're going to hear soon.
01:57You'd think they'd have a pinball machine or something around here.
02:00Really?
02:02Hey, a person can be sad and still play pinball at the same time.
02:05Mrs. Tate.
02:07Mrs. Tate, your husband is still in a coma.
02:09And we won't have the tests back for at least 24 hours.
02:12Oh, the poor dear man. And you can't do anything until then?
02:16Well, I'm afraid my hands are tied.
02:18But there is someone here who just might be able to help.
02:21It's this lad right over here.
02:23Me? I don't understand.
02:25Well, you see, Mrs. Tate, there's still very little we know about the power of love.
02:29Just a few minutes ago, your husband spoke his son's name
02:32and seemed to draw strength from it.
02:34And I feel that if we brought this boy to his father's bedside,
02:38he just might mean the difference between life and death.
02:42Well, yes. Certainly, by all means.
02:45You must be quite a human being to have touched another person so deeply.
02:50Thank you, sir.
02:52This way, Arnold.
02:56Doctor! Doctor, I believe there's been a slight misunderstanding.
03:01This is Billy. This isn't Arnold.
03:04Oh.
03:06Arnold was a rat.
03:08Well, personality aside, I still feel if we could locate this Arnold
03:11and bring him to Mr. Tate...
03:12No, no, that's not possible, Doctor. Benson killed Arnold.
03:15All right, we don't want any trouble.
03:17Hands flat on the wall.
03:19I had him pegged from the start. There was something about his eyes.
03:22And, of course, the color of my skin's got nothing to do with it.
03:26It's not that. Arnold was a real rat.
03:30A pet rat. A rodent.
03:32I killed it with a broom.
03:34Oh. I still don't like those eyes of his.
03:37It was nothing. I don't like your entire body.
03:41Look, Mrs. Tate, why don't you go home and get some sleep?
03:44I'll call you as soon as I get the reports back.
03:46Thank you, Doctor.
03:47Sure.
03:48Uh, when you came upon Mr. Tate, did any of you see this man lurking in the area?
03:53Goes by the name of Dutch.
03:55No, no, no.
03:56Thank you.
03:57No!
03:58Just routine.
03:59Wait a minute. Let me see that picture.
04:03Why, I've seen this man.
04:06You have?
04:07Of course. It's Benito Mussolini, you fool.
04:13Thank you.
04:15Uh, officer, do you think I might have that?
04:18Just in case I see somebody suspicious in the neighborhood.
04:21Okay, sure, but be careful. He's considered dangerous.
04:23Thank you.
04:24I'll get the car and meet you around the front.
04:26Billy, Major.
04:27I am.
04:31Well, I suppose you know why I wanted the picture, don't you, Mother?
04:35Yes, Eunice, I know.
04:38What do you think?
04:40I think he looks better in person.
04:43No, Mother, I mean about us.
04:45Well, Eunice, it's very hard for me to approve.
04:48I mean, the man's a convicted killer.
04:51But then, of course, so is Daddy.
04:54And an embezzler, too.
04:56Yes, so it's hard for me to disapprove, too.
05:01The difference is, Eunice, when your father and I first started out,
05:04we had all kinds of possibilities.
05:06The world was ours.
05:08You and Dutch wouldn't have that.
05:11But I love him, Mother.
05:13I know, Eunice.
05:15But sometimes love just isn't enough.
05:32Hey, hey!
05:33Oh, I'm sorry.
05:34I'm sorry.
05:40New York University?
05:43Don't tell me somebody in this house is actually thinking of going to college.
05:48I am going to go to college.
05:54Does the college know?
05:55Does the college know?
05:59You know, it may come as a shock to you, things have changed.
06:02They no longer use quills and parchment.
06:05Quills and parchment!
06:11I really don't care to discuss this with you, Elaine.
06:21Aren't you going to feel awfully out of it?
06:25No.
06:26Why should I?
06:28Because you're so old.
06:30Elaine, I may not be 20, but I'm not a dinosaur.
06:33You're a dinosaur!
06:38I don't know, if I was your age, I wouldn't go to college.
06:41Probably wouldn't leave the house.
06:43That's it.
06:47Hey, whoa!
06:48Whoa!
06:49What's happening?
06:50Oh, she's crazy!
06:51I'm going upstairs!
06:53Take it easy, take it easy!
06:55Why didn't you let me kill her? I want to!
07:00Take it easy, take it easy!
07:15Ma, you don't have to kill her, because we got a plan.
07:18Yeah, listen, it's a great plan.
07:21Oh, good, what is it, a knife poison, what?
07:25We're going to kill her with kindness.
07:28You're going to kill her with kindness?
07:30That's right, and I think it's time to get started.
07:35You see, what he's going to do is not let her dress, eat, sleep, nothing,
07:41because there isn't anything good enough for her.
07:43And she can't get mad because it's all done out of love, you see?
07:47He's going to kill her with kindness.
07:49If that doesn't work, can I just kill her?
07:52Sure.
07:59Your mother needs hormone shots.
08:04Don't, it's a brand new dress.
08:06Oh.
08:08Danny!
08:10I don't want garbage like this touching your skin.
08:16Danny, what is going on?
08:18It's not good enough for you.
08:20Nothing's good enough for you, baby.
08:22Well, it's true, it only costs $400.
08:27No, wait a second, that's not...
08:28Well, I'm sorry, but it won't do.
08:31Not for you, not for my woman.
08:36This isn't like you.
08:38Good God, look at this garbage.
08:41I'm sorry, Elaine, but you can forget about these.
08:44No, no, no, wait.
08:45No, no, no, no, absolutely not, no way.
08:47Elaine, I'm sorry, but I love you.
08:50I'm sorry, but I love you too much
08:53to see you dressed in rags like this.
08:59Elaine.
09:00What?
09:01What the hell is that?
09:02What?
09:03That.
09:04What?
09:05Oh!
09:06This!
09:07Oh, no, Danny, stop it, stop it, you yutz!
09:10Look at how flimsy that is.
09:14Oh, my goodness.
09:17Don't sit!
09:18Don't sit!
09:21Don't sit!
09:25This cushion is not clean.
09:27Other people have sat here.
09:30Danny, we have to be at a restaurant in 15 minutes.
09:33Let me see if I can find something to wear, okay?
09:35Maybe I have something that you like.
09:38Okay, okay, I'll go get cleaned up.
09:51No!
09:52I can't keep my hands off you.
09:56And this one's no good either.
10:05So, is it working?
10:06I don't know, it's a little too soon to tell,
10:08but she seems very confused.
10:10So am I.
10:14Danny.
10:15Oh, you ready so soon, babe?
10:17Is this all right?
10:19It's all right.
10:20Well, that's more like it.
10:23You're sure?
10:24You are sure that you like this?
10:26It looks almost as good as you.
10:37Don't wait up!
10:38Yeah, well, have a nice time.
10:40Thanks.
10:44I'm sorry, but it didn't look as good from the back.
10:50Oh!
11:01Well?
11:02What do you say?
11:06Carol, generally when a girl gets a marriage proposal,
11:09she looks up from a chicken yakitori.
11:13What about sex?
11:20What about it?
11:22You said you would never go to bed with me again.
11:25Uh, call me old-fashioned,
11:27but I consider sex with my husband a part of marriage.
11:39Well, I try.
11:41You try?
11:43Yeah.
11:44Oh, wonderful.
11:45That's a very relaxing way to live.
11:47With a guy who closes his eyes
11:49and pretends his wife is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
11:57Carol, I'm not sure,
11:58but I think when one person asks someone else to marry them,
12:01no one's supposed to make fun of anybody
12:03for at least a minute or two.
12:04Why are you doing this? Guilt?
12:06No.
12:07Well, it's true. I think I should.
12:09But, Carol, what's also true
12:11is I'm actually kind of excited about having the baby.
12:15Somehow I never pictured that.
12:17Well, neither did I.
12:19And while I'm not what Dr. Spock had in mind
12:21when he wrote his chapter, Becoming a Father,
12:23it's, uh, it's very hard not to be involved
12:26when you're bringing a new life into the world.
12:29Carol, this is my baby, too.
12:32And since I've been a part of its beginning,
12:34I want to be a part of the rest of its life.
12:38It can work, Carol.
12:40We really care for each other, we love being together,
12:43you'd never have to worry about me looking at another woman.
12:49I don't know, Jody, I just don't know.
12:52Carol, I promise you that if we get married,
12:55I'll never touch another man again.
12:57Oh!
13:00Excuse me, please.
13:02I think I just stabbed myself.
13:14Wrong.
13:16You stick a rusty knife into my heart
13:18by leaving the priesthood, and you want to know what's wrong?
13:21Ma, there's no knife in anybody's heart.
13:24I feel I got an elephant on my chest,
13:27and he contradicts me.
13:29And that's the kind of thing a mother really wants to hear
13:32just before she dies.
13:34I'm sorry, Ma, but the dying act doesn't work anymore.
13:37You're not fooling anyone.
13:39Tim, I don't think you should be quite so hard on yourself.
13:42Oh, perfect.
13:44Your mother's at death's door,
13:46and you have to bring along the bimbo.
13:49Well, it's true, we haven't gotten along quite as well as we might.
13:53Oh, why stop there?
13:55While you're at it, why don't you just step forward
13:57and spit on the bed?
13:59Ma!
14:00Listen, you just remember one thing.
14:02You remember that if anybody asks you,
14:04who killed your mother, remember to say,
14:07it was me, Timothy Flotsky, the fallen priest.
14:12Now get out of here and let me die in peace.
14:15Look, Ma, I fell in love with Corinne, and I married her.
14:20For the first time in my life,
14:22I did something for me instead of for you.
14:24It's called living your own life, Ma.
14:27But of course you wouldn't know about that.
14:29All you know about is making my life miserable
14:31and treating Corinne like garbage.
14:33You're a real expert at that.
14:37Tim?
14:40She's not breathing.
14:42Of course she's not breathing.
14:44She's playing her I'll hold my breath till I get what I want routine.
14:48Tim, I think she's dead.
14:50She's not dead.
14:51She's dead.
14:53She's not dead.
14:54She's dead.
14:55She's dead!
14:56She's dead!
14:57She's dead!
14:58She's dead!
14:59She's dead!
15:00She's dead!
15:04Okay, I'll tell him.
15:06Right, okay, bye-bye.
15:11And don't you ever go to lunch?
15:13No, I have it catered.
15:15Um, Mr. de Blasio called,
15:18said if he doesn't have a payment on your wife's loan by Friday,
15:21he sincerely hopes you have a good orthopedic surgeon.
15:26Oh, no.
15:28Problems?
15:29Yep.
15:31Oh, you're too nice to have problems.
15:33Thanks, Sal.
15:35You're much too nice.
15:39Uh, Sally?
15:41Uh, Sally, what are you doing back there?
15:44Nothing.
15:45Uh, Sally, I'm a married man, remember?
15:49Oh, I-I'm sorry.
15:51I'm really sorry.
15:52I-I just got carried away.
15:55I mean, it's so hard.
15:57Every day I see you, and you're so...
16:00incredibly good-looking.
16:03You must know how irresistible you are.
16:07And it's just so hard not to...
16:09No.
16:10I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
16:14It's okay.
16:16Just really sorry.
16:18Hey, it's really okay.
16:21Anyway, I'm sure you must be used to it by now,
16:26women crawling all over you.
16:28I'm sure you can't even take public transportation anymore.
16:32Well, no, that hasn't happened.
16:34I mean, if Al Pacino ever saw you,
16:36he'd probably never leave his house again.
16:38I mean, why bother?
16:40Well, I don't know about that.
16:42Believe me.
16:46He is a little short, I hear.
16:50I am sorry, Danny,
16:52and I promise it'll never happen again.
16:54From now on, I'll just look at you...
16:57and be happy.
17:02I don't know, I don't know.
17:03A break is fine,
17:04but I think it's a mistake for guys on girders 40 stories high
17:07to be horsing around with a frisbee.
17:11I'll go break it up.
17:12Thanks, Danny.
17:13Any messages, Sal?
17:15Nothing, uh-uh.
17:16Oh, good.
17:17Oh, I'm so bushed.
17:19Oh, thank you.
17:21Oh.
17:23Oh.
17:24Oh, oh.
17:25Oh, that's terrific.
17:27Oh, a massage.
17:29Oh, oh.
17:30Oh, that's so terrific.
17:32Oh, massages are wonderful.
17:34I really love that.
17:36Oh, yes, oh, massage the head.
17:38That's a nice touch.
17:39That's a nice touch.
17:40Oh, that's nice.
17:42That's...
17:43Oh, that's nice, Sal.
17:44Thank you, thank you very much.
17:49Oh, God.
17:50I'm sorry.
17:51I'm really sorry.
17:53It's okay, it's okay.
17:55Your nose got stuck.
17:56That could happen.
17:59It's so hard for me.
18:02I mean, you must know.
18:03You see how women respond.
18:06To what?
18:08To you.
18:10You're at that age, that time of your life
18:12when you're at your most attractive.
18:15Oh, well.
18:18Oh, you are.
18:19You're so dynamic.
18:23That's what it is.
18:25You're dynamic.
18:28Oh, well, I don't know.
18:31Lately I've been taking this new vitamin B complex.
18:33That's probably what you need to help yourself.
18:35And it's so hard for me to be around you every day.
18:38To have to look at you and to feel your presence.
18:42Sometimes I almost feel faint.
18:44Oh, that's not eating a good breakfast, Sal.
18:46I mean, that feeling of faintness, that's what that is.
18:49No, it's from you.
18:51No, a couple of eggs, a few sausages.
18:54I look at you and I get weak.
18:57It's been that way for weeks, this weakness.
19:05You're the most masculine man I've ever seen.
19:16The plaid shirt, Sal.
19:17You're responding to a plaid shirt.
19:19I gotta, where's Danny?
19:20I gotta go find Danny.
19:21If I know Danny, he's doing the Frisbee game.
19:24It's a, it's a plaid shirt, and don't you worry about that.
19:27I mean, I've seen it happen a lot.
19:29It's in Oregon all the time.
19:31Girls fainting from lumberjack.
19:46Oh, doctor, are you sure?
19:48Oh, yes, this is definitely a lesion of the brain.
19:51You see, it's the type of lesion that can totally alter a person's behavior.
19:54For example, a completely mild-mannered person might suddenly turn violent.
19:59Well, if that's the case, then surely a man in his condition couldn't be held responsible for his acts.
20:05Oh, no, certainly not.
20:06Any behavior induced by the lesion is, of course, entirely beyond his control.
20:10And as I understand it, there has been a recent unpleasantness.
20:14Is he referring to the murder or the stock fraud?
20:18Well, whatever.
20:19The problem, legally speaking, he is suffering from temporary insanity.
20:23This brain scan alone is medical proof of his condition.
20:27Well, what can be done?
20:28I mean, about the lesion itself.
20:30We could do nothing, and perhaps the attacks will subside.
20:33But on the other hand, he might become permanently violent.
20:36And lastly, he might just drop dead.
20:39Now, on the other hand, we could operate, but you see, he might not survive the operation.
20:45Or he might come out of the surgery alive, but with the personality of a codfish.
20:53Well, it's nice to have so many choices.
20:57I just wish one of them were good.
21:00Yes, well, this decision is yours and yours alone, Mrs. Tate.
21:07I'm afraid that there is simply not much time.
21:09Oh, yes, I understand.
21:11Of course, it would be much easier if this were a routine surgery.
21:14But this procedure is far from routine.
21:16It's the kind of surgery that requires an extraordinary combination of knowledge, skill, not to mention courage and stamina.
21:26Yes, well, Jessica, I think if you had an hour or so alone with your thoughts, then maybe...
21:32Yes, sir, if I could pull this one off, this would be quite a feat.
21:36Doctor.
21:38Oh, yes, well, that's neither here nor there.
21:41Well, I... I guess you'd better go ahead.
21:44You want me to go ahead with the surgery?
21:46Yes.
21:47Oof!
21:48You've made a wise decision, Mrs. Tate.
21:50This will be good for everyone concerned, and the chances of your husband pulling through are very good.
21:55And I, of course, will be launched into stardom.
22:02Oh, Mary, I didn't know what to do.
22:06Do you think I did the right thing?
22:09I'm sure you did, Jessica. I'm sure you did.
22:11Golly, it's just such a difficult decision to make.
22:14I know.
22:15Chester might die.
22:17He won't.
22:18But the doctor said that he...
22:19No.
22:20He'll be fine. I just know he will.
22:23You think so?
22:24Yes, I do.
22:26Chester is very strong.
22:29That's right. He is, isn't he?
22:32Oh, yes, Mary.
22:33You remember the winter we all had the flu, and Chester had the flu,
22:36and he did all the cooking, flu and all.
22:39Of course, he did all the eating, too.
22:44Mary, he's just got to be all right.
22:47He has to be.
22:52I don't think I could stand anything else.
22:56I'll buy you a cheeseburger.
23:00With french fries?
23:10Will Bert and Danny's plan really change Elaine?
23:13And if it does, what will she change into?
23:16Will Carol accept Jody's proposal?
23:18Will Tim blame himself for his mother's death forever?
23:21Or just for the rest of his life?
23:23What is Sally up to?
23:25And are either Bert or Danny up to what she's up to?
23:28Will Eunice ever spend another night with Dutch?
23:30And if so, will there be passion, desire, lust,
23:34or at least some nice refreshments?
23:36Has Jessica made the right decision
23:38to go ahead with Chester's operation?
23:40And if it doesn't work out,
23:42will she find happiness living with a cockfish?
23:45These questions and many others will be answered
23:47on next week's episode of
23:50In last week's episode of Soap,
23:52the doctor told Jessica Chester has a brain tumor
23:55and that's what caused him to kill Peter.
23:57Jessica told the doctor to operate
23:59in order to save Chester's life,
24:01although she was told he could come out of the operation
24:04with the personality of a pineapple.
24:06Mrs. Flotsky told Tim she was dying
24:09because he left the priesthood and married Corinne.
24:12Tim told her to knock it off,
24:14which she did.
24:17Tim told her to knock it off,
24:18which she did by dropping dead.
24:20And although Bert didn't want her to,
24:22Mary started college,
24:24something she's always wanted.
24:26Danny wants to change Elaine
24:28and his plan is not to let her eat, sleep, or dress.
24:31Elaine hasn't changed, she just wants to live.
24:34Eunice wants to be with Dutch,
24:36but since he's wanted by the police,
24:38he can't be with her even though he wants to.
24:40And Jody told Carol he wants to marry her,
24:43only Carol isn't sure that's what she wants.
24:45Confused?
24:46You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
24:53This is the story of two sisters,
24:56Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
25:01These are the Tates.
25:04And these are the Campbells.
25:08And this is Soap.
25:11And this is Soap.
25:14EXPLOSION
25:40Hello, darling.
25:41Hi, Ma.
25:43This is for Tim. Where is he?
25:45I don't know.
25:48Well, this is a welcome to our family present for Tim.
25:54Oh, Corinne, they have the loveliest things
25:57in the hospital gift shop.
25:59I bought one in red for Daddy.
26:03Of course, being unconscious,
26:05he couldn't get too excited about it.
26:08Ma, I think Tim's left me.
26:10I've only been married six days and already he's left me.
26:13Oh, Corinne.
26:15No, darling, he hasn't left you.
26:18He's ten hours late.
26:20Traffic.
26:24Ma, he's been very depressed since his mother's death,
26:27plus he's not too thrilled about moving in here.
26:29Neither am I.
26:32Oh, boy.
26:36Boy.
26:37Boy.
26:39You, Simpson.
26:45These boots have been sitting outside my door for a week now.
26:49I'd like them shined.
26:50Yes, sir.
26:58Oh, maybe that's him.
26:59Yes.
27:02Tim, where have you been?
27:04I've been worried. What happened?
27:06Corinne, I spent the last ten hours thinking
27:08and I've come to the realization that I'm cursed.
27:11Wherever I am, I bring death or destruction.
27:13I can't live here.
27:14Good.
27:17Tim, you are not cursed.
27:20You're a part of this family now.
27:24You can stay here just as long as you want to.
27:28You know, Tim, let me tell you something.
27:31When Mr. Tate and I first got married,
27:33well, we moved in with my parents,
27:35and look, we're still here.
27:38Now, I don't want to hear any more nonsense.
27:40You are staying.
27:42Thank you.
27:44I guess it's silly of me to think that my mere presence
27:46could cause something bad to happen.
27:55Well, if you ain't the kiss of death,
27:57you come awfully close.
28:04Thanks for the ride.
28:05My pleasure.
28:06So much nicer than taking the train.
28:08Well, it's so much nicer than driving alone.
28:10Listen, could I possibly get you to offer me a cup of coffee?
28:14A cup of coffee?
28:17Or tea.
28:19Root beer.
28:20Glass of water.
28:22Kale pectate.
28:26Anything, I'm easy.
28:28Coffee.
28:29Yeah.
28:30Of course, coffee. Come in.
28:32Okay.
28:33I'll make some coffee.
28:35Uh, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
28:38Thank you.
28:39Ah, it's a nice homey place you have here.
28:41Well, it's home.
28:43I suppose that's what gives it that homey quality.
28:47Probably.
28:57Oh, coffee.
28:59I wanted some coffee.
29:01Coffee, what?
29:02Listen, are you all right?
29:03Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
29:04Fine.
29:05Uh, I guess I'm just a little nervous.
29:07I've never had a professor in my home before.
29:10I've never had a professor before.
29:14You ought to try it.
29:18I'll make the coffee.
29:22Ridiculous.
29:23Well, Bob, I am sorry, but she's put her foot down.
29:25I mean, this time she wants you to spend some time with me alone.
29:28Well, what's the matter with this girlfriend of yours?
29:30Does she do it? No clothes on and throw up?
29:32No, Bob, that's not it.
29:34Hey, who are you?
29:36Uh, the coffee will be ready in a minute.
29:38Hey, there, who is this guy?
29:40Chuck, why don't you go on upstairs?
29:42Oh, getting a little on the side, huh?
29:47Bob.
29:48Well, there's nothing wrong with a nooner, Bob.
29:53Incredible act they have there.
29:55I'm afraid that's not an act.
29:58Is he home yet?
30:00No.
30:01Oh, thank God.
30:03I hope I have time for a nap.
30:04He never lets me sleep.
30:06But first, I've got to have some food.
30:09He hasn't let me eat in days on a date from home.
30:12I just pray he likes this dress.
30:14He's destroyed all my clothes.
30:22My daughter-in-law.
30:25Happy girl.
30:28So, uh...
30:32Do you like teaching?
30:34More now than before.
30:36I'll see if the coffee's ready.
30:39Hi.
30:40Hi.
30:42Hi.
30:43Hi.
30:44Uh, this is Anatole Martins, my English professor.
30:47This is my husband, Bert.
30:49And this is my son, Danny.
30:51How are you?
30:53I can't tell you how good even this crap tastes.
30:56Oh, Elaine, what are you doing?
30:59Where did this come from?
31:01An address.
31:02Oh, no.
31:09She'll never learn.
31:11Nice meeting you.
31:18I think maybe I better go.
31:20Mary, see you in class, yes?
31:22Yes, yes, of course.
31:24Nice meeting you. Good night.
31:28Did Mother Boy leave?
31:30What's he talking about?
31:32Her teacher.
31:33Boy, does he have eyes for her.
31:35Boy, I'll never know that he does.
31:38Don't listen to them. They're crazy.
31:40Listen, I'd watch it if I were you.
31:42I mean, face it.
31:43This guy's got everything that you don't.
31:45Looks, class, snorts.
31:47See you, loser.
31:53It's happening.
31:54Just like I said.
31:56What?
31:57You're in school a week.
31:58The teacher's in the house.
31:59I hate to think where he'll be by mid-semester.
32:04Bert, the man gave me a ride
32:06so I wouldn't have to take the train.
32:08Mary, please, the old train ride ploy.
32:10Mary, I know all about this stuff.
32:12I'm an expert.
32:13I got a well to Frank.
32:14His wife went back to school.
32:16Wonderful wife he had.
32:17Was known for her pot roast.
32:19Anyway, she takes a course in the north.
32:21And what happens is
32:22the teacher assigns them
32:24Lady Chatterley's Lover to read.
32:29You don't get that?
32:30Lady Chatterley's Lover?
32:32Then he assigns another hot book, Ulysses.
32:35And then he assigns another hot book
32:36and one hot book after another
32:37until finally Frank's wife
32:39isn't cooking pot roasts anymore.
32:40Frank's wife is just cooking.
32:48And that was that.
32:49She left Frank for this pervert professor.
32:52Frank told me she stopped
32:53shaving her legs on a stranger in hell.
32:57So don't tell me about schools, Mary.
32:58Don't tell me about professors, Mary.
33:00Because I know all about it.
33:02Here.
33:04What? What's this?
33:06The class I'm taking is in poetry.
33:08And that's my first poem.
33:10To my husband?
33:15To my husband.
33:17I love him so
33:18that words merely diminish the feeling.
33:20I would not attempt to describe a rose.
33:26That's what I did in school.
33:32I'm sorry, Mary.
33:34I'm sorry. I really am.
33:37If I didn't love you so much,
33:38I wouldn't get so crazy.
33:39Oh, Bert, I know.
33:41But listen, I am not leaving you.
33:43I love you.
33:44You've got to stop being afraid.
33:46I know.
33:47Forgive me.
33:48What do you think?
33:53Hey, man, I don't want you to feel bad.
33:56But your poem didn't rhyme.
34:05Well, the thing is,
34:06everyone in this family
34:07except you and me is completely bonkers.
34:10Now, what worries me is,
34:11is it hereditary?
34:13I mean, is this what I have to look forward to?
34:15Setting sail on the banana boat?
34:17Exactly.
34:18First of all, it's not hereditary,
34:20and second of all,
34:21it's not even insanity.
34:22The people in this house
34:23are just a little unconventional,
34:26that's all.
34:27Unconventional?
34:28Our father's a murderer,
34:29our sister marries a priest,
34:30grandpa's fighting World War II,
34:31and mother lives on Mars.
34:35I don't know what to do.
34:36Okay, Billy, let's talk.
34:38Sit down.
34:39Thanks.
34:41Uh, get up.
34:42What?
34:43And get out.
34:44But we were gonna talk.
34:45And we did, and it was just lovely,
34:46and do come back sometime,
34:47and we'll continue.
34:48Wait a minute, Eunice,
34:49I have something to say.
34:50I'm not finished.
34:51That's okay, I'm finished,
34:52and I loved every minute
34:53of this charming delight
34:54that I've seen.
35:01Oh, Dad, I missed you.
35:04Oh, where were you?
35:06Where are you going?
35:07What are you doing?
35:08I'm gonna make love to you.
35:09Now?
35:10Well, if I wait till after I leave,
35:11I don't think I'll enjoy it as much.
35:14Wait a minute.
35:15What happened to talking?
35:16Eunice, I'm a fugitive.
35:18I didn't just climb through that window
35:20from a day at the office.
35:22I only got a little time.
35:23I want to spend it being close to you.
35:25Oh, I'm sorry, Dutch.
35:27Eunice, I've got to...
35:28Hold it!
35:29Eunice, run!
35:30Don't, Billy, no!
35:31Listen, you creep,
35:32I'm a green belt in karate.
35:33You should know that.
35:34We're lovers.
35:35My hands are lethal weapons.
35:38What?
35:40We're in love.
35:45You and him?
35:47Put me down, please.
35:53A convicted killer.
35:55Well, why not?
35:57Why should you be any less crazy
35:58than anyone else in this house?
36:01And I'm next.
36:02I know it.
36:05I already have the first symptom.
36:06I'm talking to myself.
36:10I guess I better get going.
36:11Now?
36:12Yeah.
36:13Oh, Dutch, take me with you.
36:14It'll only take me a couple of minutes to pack.
36:17Forget it, Eunice.
36:18No, really, I'll be a big help.
36:19I can be a decoy.
36:21I can be a lookout.
36:22I kiss nice.
36:23Eunice, put the suitcases away.
36:25You're not going.
36:26This is no trip for you
36:27and your matching luggage.
36:31I've got to go by myself.
36:33Oh, Dutch, what's going to happen to us?
36:36When will I see you again?
36:39I don't know.
36:41Oh, Dutch.
36:44Oh.
36:47So long, sweetheart.
36:50Be careful on that roof.
36:51It's so steep.
36:56Here.
36:58It was stuck behind the backboard.
37:13Oh, yeah.
37:23Sorry I'm late.
37:24I'll have a draft, please.
37:27Where you been?
37:28I was with Carol.
37:30Are you sure you're gay?
37:34She had to go to the doctor
37:35and I thought I, uh, ought to go along.
37:38Thanks.
37:40Jody, isn't this togetherness thing
37:41getting a little out of hand?
37:43It would make sense if it was another guy.
37:45Wouldn't be all that crazy about the idea,
37:47but at least I'd understand.
37:52Dennis, this is a very confusing time for her.
37:54She just found out she's pregnant
37:56and I feel responsible.
37:58You feel responsible?
38:00What about the guy that got her pregnant?
38:01Where in the hell is he, huh?
38:09You're looking at him.
38:10You're kidding.
38:13I guess you want to know why.
38:15I'm still wondering how.
38:19It just happened.
38:20It was late one night.
38:21She was crying and she was real upset.
38:24I held her in my arms and, uh,
38:27it happened.
38:29It just happened?
38:30Yeah.
38:32Well, how does it work these days?
38:33Does she have to cry every time
38:34or can you just skip over that
38:35and go straight to the fun stuff?
38:37Dennis, please.
38:39Where does that leave us?
38:41I don't know.
38:43I'm waiting for her answer.
38:45I asked her to marry me.
38:47Marry you?
38:48I think it can work.
38:50Forget it.
38:51Hey, I tried it.
38:52It doesn't work.
38:53And even if you can make it work,
38:56I'll make sure you don't.
39:09It's not raining out.
39:11Or in, for that matter.
39:13This is the only thing I've got
39:14that Danny hasn't destroyed.
39:16I don't know how much longer
39:17I can take this.
39:18Why is he doing this to me?
39:20Doing what?
39:21Bert.
39:22Come on.
39:23He won't let me sleep.
39:24He won't let me eat.
39:25He won't let me get dressed.
39:27Oh, that.
39:29Well, uh,
39:30you had to do something.
39:33Well,
39:35I don't know.
39:37Well,
39:38he can't leave you
39:39and he can't stand you.
39:45You asked.
39:50Am I that bad?
39:52The worst.
39:58You've got to stop.
39:59You cannot keep
40:00treating Elaine like that.
40:02But it's working.
40:03She's not nearly as nasty.
40:04Of course not.
40:05She's too tired and weak
40:06to be nasty.
40:09I'm changing her.
40:10Danny,
40:11you are not changing her.
40:12If you're doing anything,
40:13you're killing her.
40:14Well, what am I gonna do?
40:15I can't spend the rest of my life
40:16with her the way she is.
40:21Why don't you try being nice?
40:24Nice?
40:25Are you kidding?
40:26With her?
40:27Nice?
40:32Listen,
40:33I went with a guy once
40:34after your father died.
40:36A guy who,
40:37for one reason or another,
40:38I was, uh,
40:39really rotten to.
40:40I don't know why.
40:41I guess I was just going
40:42through a rotten phase.
40:43Anyhow,
40:44I was rotten to him
40:45and he was nice to me.
40:47So I got rottener
40:49and he was still nice.
40:50And then I got really rotten
40:52and he still stayed nice.
40:54I finally gave up being rotten
40:55because there was no one
40:56to appreciate it.
40:59Being rotten
41:00is only satisfying
41:01if it has an effect.
41:02So you think
41:03if I start being
41:04really, really nice,
41:06she'd stop being rotten?
41:08It's possible.
41:10It's worked before.
41:11It worked with me.
41:14Hmm.
41:17What about the guy?
41:19He's in the dining room.
41:20I married him.
41:24Why are you like that?
41:26I wasn't always like that.
41:27I used to be nice.
41:29Well, if you used to be nice,
41:30you know how to be nice.
41:31Why don't you just be nice?
41:34Because I'm scared.
41:37The people I was nice to
41:38turned out not to be so nice.
41:41We're nice.
41:44I thought they were nice too.
41:48I guess there's no reason
41:49why you should,
41:50but I wish you'd trust us.
41:53Well, I guess we can eat now.
42:07Thank you.
42:08You're welcome.
42:14I'm sorry.
42:16I'm sorry.
42:18I'm sorry.
42:19I'm sorry.
42:20I'm sorry.
42:21I'm sorry.
42:23I'm sorry.
42:37Psst, Benson.
42:39I think he's looking
42:40a little better, don't you?
42:42Better than what?
42:44Than before.
42:46He looked dead to me before.
42:47He looks dead now.
42:48Oh, Benson, he's not dead.
42:52Well, I didn't say he was dead.
42:54I said he looks dead.
42:57Chester, you just have to be all right.
43:00I mean, you just have to be.
43:02We can't go on without you.
43:04Hmm.
43:06Chester, you are the best husband,
43:08the best father, the best friend,
43:10the best person.
43:11You are the best, Chester.
43:13We need you.
43:17Darling, did you know that Benson's here?
43:20Benson, he's been sitting by your bed for hours,
43:24worried to death.
43:26Bored to death.
43:29Oh.
43:31Benson, he moved.
43:33He moved. Do you know what that means?
43:35Well, I guess that means he ain't dead.
43:38Chester?
43:40Yoo-hoo, can you hear me, Chester?
43:43Yoo-hoo!
43:49How are you feeling, dear?
43:51Do you feel all right?
43:54Where am I?
43:56You're in the hospital, dear.
43:59Who are you?
44:01Chester.
44:03Look at that. Sick as a dog,
44:05and he still finds the strength to tease me.
44:08Orderly, who is this woman?
44:11I better get the doctor.
44:13Chester, are you feeling all right?
44:16Who is Chester?
44:18Oh, Chester, you're Chester.
44:21I don't know what you're talking about.
44:23I don't know who you are,
44:24and I don't know what you're talking about.
44:26He's alive. I can't believe it.
44:28He is alive.
44:29Do you know what this means?
44:30Only he and the chimpanzee have ever survived this operation.
44:33Doctor, he doesn't even recognize us.
44:36He doesn't even know his own name.
44:38Give him a chance.
44:39Please, give him a chance.
44:41The man just got out of a coma.
44:43Mr. Tate, can you hear me?
44:46I'd like a fudgicle, please.
44:49Mom thinks I'm the good humor man.
44:53Common mistake.
44:55Mr. Tate, I want to ask you a few questions.
44:59Do you know what month this is?
45:01July.
45:02July!
45:05You got that one wrong, too.
45:09Mr. Tate, can you tell us who this gentleman is over here?
45:15That's Sidney Poitier.
45:18Sidney Poitier! I can't believe it!
45:24Okay, okay, okay, okay, Mr. Tate.
45:27One last thing, Mr. Tate.
45:31Do you know who you are, Mr. Tate?
45:38Oh, my God.
45:40I'm Gunga Din.
45:45You are not Gunga Din.
45:48Then I'm Gloria Swanson.
45:54Doctor? Doctor, what are you doing?
45:58I am giving him something to make him sleep.
46:02I can't stand it. The man is behaving like an idiot.
46:05Gunga Din.
46:07Well, Mrs. Tate, the lesion was much bigger than we thought.
46:11And I might have removed a little more of the healthy tissue than I planned.
46:14I don't know. I don't remember seeing any.
46:16But these operations are generally so messy,
46:18it's hard to see what the hell you have on your knife.
46:21Doctor, do you mean to tell me he's going to be this way forever?
46:26I don't know, Mrs. Tate.
46:29Time will tell.
46:31In time, you will have your husband back,
46:33or I will have a hell of a lawsuit on my hands.
46:36Bye, Mrs. Tate. See you tomorrow.
46:38Just a minute. I have to talk.
46:43Chester?
46:45Chester?
46:49Gunga?
46:52Miss Swanson?
46:58Oh, Chester.
47:00No matter how you are, or who you are,
47:05I'll always, always love you.
47:16Is Tim really the kiss of death?
47:19Is Eunice ever going to see Dutch again?
47:22Is Elaine really changing?
47:24Is Mary going to have to worry about more than just grades with her professor?
47:28Is Jody going to wind up with Carol?
47:30Or Dennis?
47:32Is Chester going to continue to think of himself as Gunga Den?
47:35And if so, will Jessica buy him an elephant?
47:38These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soak.