SOAP Season 1 episodes 3-4
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00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:21to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:30We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:35Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:46They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:54In last week's episode of Soap, we discovered that not only Jessica and her daughter are
00:58having an affair with Peter the tennis pro, but that Peter is Burt Campbell's long-lost
01:03son.
01:04As for Burt Campbell, Mary's second husband, he is so overwhelmed by guilt for having murdered
01:08Mary's first husband, he can no longer make love to her.
01:11But this is nothing, because Burt doesn't know that Mary's son, Danny, in order to leave
01:15the mob, has to kill the man who killed his father.
01:18Danny doesn't know that that man is Burt, yet.
01:22Mary's other son, Jody, is contemplating becoming her daughter.
01:26Life is also not exactly a bed of roses for Jessica's husband, Chester.
01:30His affair with his secretary, Claire, has become complicated by the fact that she is
01:34now blackmailing him.
01:35Confused?
01:36You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
01:41We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Peter's arrival at the Tate home.
01:48I just can't believe it.
01:52I cannot believe it.
01:54I mean, it's such a small, small world, I can't get over it.
01:57I mean, my long-lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law
02:03and her daughter tennis.
02:04Bet that ain't all he teaches.
02:05And then, and this is really incredible, my sister-in-law and her daughter don't know
02:13they have the same tennis teacher, plus which he doesn't know, their mother and daughter.
02:18I'm not finished with that, Benson.
02:23And then, and then to top it all off, no one but no one knows he's my son.
02:31So what, Burt?
02:35So it's a small, small world and I can't get over it, can you?
02:39Yes.
02:41Colonel, where's General Eisenhower?
02:43Wasn't he invited?
02:44Where in the world is Jessica?
02:47In my kitchen and I wish he would get the hell out of there.
02:51I'll get her, Chester.
02:53Eat your dinner.
02:54Benson, I am not finished.
02:56Jessica?
02:58Oh, hello, Mary.
03:04Could I get you something?
03:13Jesse, you can't hide in the kitchen all night.
03:16Hide?
03:17Who's hiding?
03:18I am helping Benson make a soufflé for dessert.
03:21Forget it, I ain't making no soufflé.
03:24I told you, I ain't making no souffle for these animals.
03:28The way they eat, I ought to just shove the food in under the door.
03:33And you see, for a souffle, of course you have to beat the egg whites and the egg yolks separately.
03:37Therefore, you need two people, Mary.
03:39I mean, one to beat the whites and one to beat the yolks.
03:41I'm beating the whites.
03:42Oh, yeah?
03:43Well, there's a whole table of them in there I'd like to help you with.
03:50Jesse, I know.
03:52And if you don't come out, everyone's gonna be suspicious.
03:55Oh, Mary, I'm so ashamed. I could die.
03:58Do you realize what I've done?
03:59I've had an affair with my nephew.
04:02I think that's against the law.
04:04He's not your nephew?
04:06I mean, I just got used to adultery and now I have to get used to, uh, to, uh...
04:12Incest.
04:15Benson, he is not related to us.
04:17He is my stepson.
04:19Oh, Mary, I've never done this before, ever.
04:23I...
04:25See, uh, what it was was...
04:28I was lonely.
04:30I mean, uh, Chester's never here and then, and the kids are never here.
04:35And I've done all the clever things I could with shelving paper and, uh...
04:42So, uh, Mary, I-I-I did that.
04:47But I am never gonna do it again, Mary, ever.
04:50Okay, Jess, okay.
04:53Come on out now.
04:54Oh, if you stay in here, Chester will become suspicious.
04:57Oh, my God, Chester.
04:59Oh, I have to tell him.
05:00Mary, I have to tell Chester what I've done.
05:02Are you crazy?
05:03No, it's the right thing to do.
05:05It's a stupid thing to do.
05:08I'm going to tell him.
05:10All right, Jesse, I was never gonna tell you this,
05:12I was never gonna tell you this, but poor sweet Chester has been...
05:18How do I put this?
05:19Jumping on anything that breeds.
05:28I wasn't gonna put it quite that way.
05:32Oh, sweet, adorable Mary.
05:35I mean, you'd just do anything to keep me from telling him,
05:37even to making up that outrageous lie about Chester.
05:41Hi, Ma. Hiya, Mary.
05:42Oh, hello, darling.
05:43Can I have the keys to the car? It's locked.
05:44But you don't drive, dear.
05:46I don't want him for driving. I want him for parking.
05:49The car is parked already.
05:52Look, Ma, can I just have the keys?
05:54I got my date outside, and we're just gonna sit in it.
05:57But, dear, you can invite her in.
06:00I mean, she doesn't have to sit in the car.
06:02She likes sitting in cars.
06:05Look, Ma, we're just gonna listen to the tape deck and talk.
06:08I promise.
06:09Oh, all right.
06:11Here you are.
06:12Thanks, Ma.
06:13Bye, Mary.
06:14Bye.
06:14Oh, children.
06:15I mean, you work, work, work to give them a beautiful house,
06:18and then they just want to sit in the car.
06:22Jessica?
06:23Mary.
06:25Well, this is a fine.
06:26How do you do?
06:27You invite your insane family over for dinner,
06:29and I am the one who's stuck with it.
06:31Now, Jessica, either you get out of this kitchen and come inside,
06:34or I am sending everyone home.
06:36Send them home.
06:37Shut up, Benson.
06:39I will when you send them home.
06:43Well, Jessica?
06:45What were the choices again?
06:48Come on, Jessica.
06:51It's a small, small world, and I can't get over it.
06:55Why don't you try, Bert?
06:58You know, it's funny.
06:59I've been thinking about taking tennis lessons.
07:01Get your hands off my son, you freak.
07:03Get your hands off my son, you freak.
07:07My brother is not a freak.
07:11Mary.
07:14Stop it.
07:14That's enough.
07:15Mary.
07:18I am not cleaning this.
07:20I know where I'm looking.
07:23Bert, stop this, you idiot.
07:29Medic.
07:30Medic, I've been shot.
07:34Drop that, you thug.
07:39Good night, Uncle Chester.
07:40I had a wonderful time.
07:42I've had it.
07:43I've had it with all of you.
07:44You are never coming here again.
07:46Terrific.
07:46Nothing could suit me better.
07:49Slobs.
07:50Slobs.
07:51Slobs?
07:52I'm a slob?
07:53Look at you.
07:54You've got cranberry sauce all over your shirt.
07:58Ouch, ouch.
08:04Bert, are you asleep?
08:06Are you kidding?
08:07What's that racket going on next door?
08:10Bert, we don't even try anymore.
08:13Why don't we try?
08:14One o'clock in the morning and that's going on.
08:16There's nothing going on next door, Bert.
08:18What, are you joking?
08:19You don't hear that?
08:19Farkas and his wife?
08:21Is it that you're not attracted to me?
08:22Is that it?
08:23I think he hit her.
08:25There's nothing going on next door, Bert.
08:27What are you joking?
08:27You don't hear that?
08:28Farkas and his wife?
08:29Is it that you're not attracted to me?
08:31Is that it?
08:33There's nothing going on next door, Bert.
08:35Did you hear that smack?
08:37Didn't that smack sound just like I hit?
08:39I didn't hear a hit, Bert.
08:41I didn't hear a smack and I didn't hear a hit.
08:49What?
08:49I was testing.
08:50You didn't hear that?
08:51Bert.
08:51Mary, Mary, I think you should have your ears checked.
08:53It's probably just wax, but I would have them checked anyway.
08:56Bert, what is it?
08:58Is it that you're not attracted to me?
09:00No, it's a temporary thing.
09:01It'll go away.
09:03Happens to men.
09:05But it's been six months.
09:06Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
09:08Put pressure on me, Mary.
09:09It'll never happen.
09:10Pressure?
09:12We never even talked about it.
09:14I just don't think we can let this go on forever.
09:17Oh, time.
09:17Now we have time limits?
09:18If this wonted, it doesn't help, Mary.
09:20It's time limits.
09:21Darling, maybe you ought to see a psychiatrist.
09:23No, I'm crazy, right?
09:24All of a sudden, I'm some kind of nut, right?
09:26No, darling, I just thought maybe it might help to talk to someone.
09:29You hear that?
09:30Quiet.
09:31Human beings are trying to sleep up here.
09:34Bert, are you having an affair?
09:39God, Mary, no.
09:40Because it's normal, darling.
09:42A chance encounter.
09:44A few glorious stolen moments.
09:47And sometimes life can be all the richer for it.
09:49So if you're having an affair, you can tell me.
09:52I'll understand.
09:54Mary, I swear it.
09:55There's no one.
09:56Good, because if you were, I'd rip your heart out.
10:00Mary, how could you think that, even for a minute?
10:03Bert, I bought something today.
10:06I think it might help.
10:08Now, uh, don't let the title frighten you.
10:18The Cookbook of Sex?
10:21I know, I wish they hadn't called it that.
10:23But look, it's written by an MD.
10:25Recipes?
10:26He gives recipes?
10:27Mary, you actually paid money for this?
10:29Well, yes.
10:31I mean, I've tried everything.
10:33I've tried short nightgowns, long nightgowns, new nightgowns, no nightgowns.
10:38I have powdered myself, perfumed myself.
10:42Bees are attracted to me, and you're not.
10:45Mary, Mary, don't cry.
10:47Please, honey, don't cry.
10:49Please don't cry.
10:50I just feel awful.
10:52Sweetheart, it's not you.
10:53I swear it.
10:54I, um, look, I, I, I...
10:58I love you.
10:59And you're all I want.
11:00I promise you if things don't change, I'll, I'll get some help.
11:03I promise.
11:05Okay?
11:13Try to get some sleep, man.
11:22Look at that.
11:24I mean, that's a total impossibility.
11:29I mean, the flying Willenders at the height of their career couldn't get into a position like that.
11:41Claire, what are you doing calling me at home?
11:46Crying out loud.
11:47Claire, it's one o'clock in the morning.
11:49I can't come over.
11:51All right, Claire.
11:52All right.
11:53I'll come over.
11:55I'll think of a way.
11:56Goodbye.
11:59Who's laughing?
12:02Benson, is that you laughing?
12:05Oh!
12:06What?
12:07I was just surprised to see you.
12:10I live here.
12:13I mean, still up.
12:15I, I thought maybe you had gone to sleep by now.
12:18I had a business call.
12:22Chester, I have a confession to make.
12:24I, uh...
12:25Chester, please sit down.
12:27What is it, Jessica?
12:30Chester, when people have been married a long time, they spend a lot of time together.
12:35And so then they get kind of used to each other.
12:37And then, of course, on the other hand, they spend a lot of time apart.
12:40And so they don't see each other very much.
12:42And so sometimes they tend to get lonely.
12:45And sometimes, oh, Chester, despite themselves, they seek some little comfort elsewhere.
12:51And so, Chester, what I'm trying to say is that, uh, sometimes home cooking is boring.
12:57And sometimes the kitchen is closed.
12:58And so sometimes one goes out to eat.
13:03Jessica.
13:05Chester.
13:06Jessica.
13:08Oh, dear God, Jessica, you're not saying.
13:11I am.
13:12After all these years, I thought I knew you.
13:15I know, Chester.
13:16I know.
13:17How could you?
13:18I don't know, Chester.
13:19I don't know.
13:22How could you?
13:23How could you, even for a minute?
13:25Oh, I'm sorry, Chester.
13:27How could you think, even for a second, that I would be unfaithful?
13:32Huh?
13:34Do you think our marriage means nothing to me, Jessica?
13:37Do you think I took those vows lightly?
13:39I don't believe this.
13:41To accuse me of...
13:42No, no, no, no, Chester, I didn't accuse you.
13:45Oh, please, Jessica, you did accuse me.
13:47No, Chester, I...
13:48Unfaithful.
13:50Me.
13:51Jessica, may I lose the use of the entire right side of my body.
13:58If ever I have so much as looked at another woman,
14:02may my post-nasal drip back up and drown my brain.
14:08If ever I have been unfaithful to you.
14:11Chester, where are you going?
14:13Out.
14:14You've got me much too upset to sleep.
14:20Oh.
14:27Hold it!
14:30Put that down.
14:36You understand, don't you, that this is the last food fight?
14:39I'm making you a promise right now.
14:41If I ever see one speck of food anywhere except on a plate, I am leaving.
14:46For good.
14:48Clean up this mess.
14:51You want a fresh cup of coffee? I think you've got some banana in yours.
14:59Yeah, thanks.
15:03You know, I think she's really serious.
15:05Yeah, me too.
15:06You see, oddly enough, the thing is, I don't actually hate you.
15:10I'm not too crazy about you, but I don't hate you.
15:13It's not even dislike.
15:14I don't dislike you.
15:15Not that I like you.
15:16Don't get me wrong, I don't like you.
15:17But I probably could like you if we didn't hate each other so much.
15:21The thing is, I don't know why you hate me.
15:25You know something? Neither do I.
15:27I mean, I've thought about it a lot, too.
15:29I've tried coming up with reasons, but there aren't any.
15:32I just look at you when I hate your guts.
15:36Yeah, well, I can understand that.
15:38But you know something?
15:40You've never really done anything.
15:42Danny, it's okay. Don't worry about it.
15:43I just don't want you to take the fact that I hate you personally.
15:46I don't. I don't, really.
15:48Danny, I know I annoy you.
15:50I can be a very annoying person.
15:52Like the way I'm always telling you to leave the mob.
15:54I mean, if you want to ruin your life working for a bunch of gangsters.
15:57Well, the fact is, I'm leaving the mob.
16:01It's... when?
16:03Soon.
16:04There's something they want me to do for them, and then I can go.
16:06What are you going to do?
16:08Nothing. It's just a thing.
16:10I don't even know all the details yet.
16:12Yeah, well, if I can help, just say the word.
16:17Yeah, Danny, really.
16:19Thanks.
16:21Well, I gotta go. I got a meeting.
16:23Well, yeah, I'll see you later.
16:24Right.
16:26Bye, Bert.
16:27Bye, Danny.
16:31Bert.
16:33Have a nice day.
16:37You too.
16:41Hey.
16:43I say, things are definitely improving here.
16:45Danny and I are becoming buddies.
16:48You know, you go fishing with a buddy.
16:50Me and my son Peter's here.
16:52We could go fishing.
16:53Peter could go fishing with Danny and me.
16:55The three of us could go fishing.
16:56Peter, Danny, and me.
16:58And Mary could come.
16:59Be just like a real family.
17:01I better buy four new fishing poles.
17:04Why four new fishing poles, Bert?
17:06I mean, aren't you gonna invite me?
17:07I love to fish.
17:09Oh, this is very nice, Bert.
17:10Ever think of wearing a bib when you eat?
17:12Go away from me, fruit.
17:14Fruit.
17:16Wonderful.
17:17You've agreed to stop throwing it.
17:19Don't you think you could agree to stop saying it?
17:22Can't the two of you work things out?
17:24Hey, I'd be very willing, except there's one slight problem.
17:27The man hates me.
17:28He doesn't hate you.
17:30You don't hate him?
17:31Well, close.
17:35Why?
17:36I don't know.
17:36It's because I'm gay, right, Bert?
17:38I mean, you hate me because I'm gay, right?
17:41Well?
17:44I guess if you need a reason, that's a good one.
17:46Bert, it's a terrible reason.
17:48I mean, look at me.
17:49I'm a person.
17:51Bert, look at him.
18:06He gives me the creeps.
18:08Bert, what do you mean I give you the creeps?
18:10I don't know.
18:11A spooky.
18:12He is not spooky.
18:14I do not find him in the least spooky.
18:16Yeah, well, maybe you're used to it.
18:18Bert, just think of me as a person.
18:20That's all.
18:20I mean, that's all I am.
18:21I'm a person sitting here.
18:23Bert, look at me.
18:25I'm a person.
18:28Who happens to like men.
18:31Bert!
18:31Oh, wait a minute.
18:33I don't know.
18:33I mean, it's hard, this gay business.
18:36I'm not used to it.
18:37I mean, all my life, I was never around them.
18:39When I was growing up, gay meant happy.
18:42I mean, it's just hard to get used to it.
18:44And life was a lot easier then.
18:48I mean, maybe, well, you know,
18:49when you guys were still in the closet,
18:50maybe it wasn't easy on you,
18:52but it was a hell of a lot easier on us.
18:55I mean, it used to be you walked down the street,
18:56a guy smiled at you, you smiled back.
18:58Today, you smile back.
18:59You either get arrested or invited to dancing.
19:03So it takes getting used to.
19:04It's hard getting used to a guy who likes guys and not girls.
19:08And now you're going to get a sex change operation and be a girl.
19:11Now I get used to a guy who's now a girl who likes guys and not girls.
19:14It used to be a guy who liked guys and not girls.
19:20But I'll try.
19:25From now on, I'll try to look at you as a person.
19:30And I'll try and look at you the same way.
19:32Danny, Danny, come in, come in.
19:42Afternoon, Godfather.
19:43Danny, sit down. The food's getting cold.
19:46Godfather, I've given it a lot of thought.
19:47Wait until you taste this, Danny.
19:50Just wait until you taste this.
19:52No, thanks. I'm not really very hungry.
19:54Danny, this restaurant belongs to my mother.
19:58You don't eat, you'll kill me.
20:00Okay, but just a little.
20:02You're going to love this, you're going to love it.
20:04Godfather, I've thought it over and I've decided to take the contract.
20:09How is that, huh?
20:10Oh, it looks great. I love chicken.
20:13It's an eel.
20:18It's good, huh?
20:21Yes, and now I want you to try some of this linguine.
20:25I swear it's better than sex.
20:28You know, I'm not particularly crazy about the idea of killing a man.
20:33Who is?
20:34I mean, I have a tough time killing a bug.
20:37But I think if I have to kill somebody, I could kill the man who killed my father.
20:42No, no, no, Danny, no, no.
20:43You've got to twirl the linguine around the spoon like this.
20:49You can't sit there with a linguine hanging out of your mouth.
20:52You look like a demented walrus.
20:56Oh, that's all right.
20:59So now will you tell me who killed my father?
21:01Okay, I'm going to tell you.
21:02The man who killed your father was your stepfather.
21:09Some were surprised, huh?
21:11What? I didn't hear what you said.
21:13I said some were surprised, huh?
21:17No, the name.
21:19Your stepfather.
21:22What about my stepfather?
21:24He's the one.
21:25Bert?
21:26Oh, yes, Bert.
21:27Oh, come on, be serious.
21:29Oh, you think I make it up, huh, Danny?
21:31You think I make up a story your stepfather kills your father and now you're going to...
21:35Hey, Shakespeare maybe makes up bad stories like that.
21:38I don't, Danny.
21:41But why would he kill my father?
21:43Because your father was trying to run him out of a business.
21:46If I was Bert, I would do the same thing.
21:49Now, I loved your father, Danny, but the sweet man...
21:53No.
21:56I can't believe this.
21:58In the meantime, the southern block is ice cold, Danny.
22:02Bert?
22:02Yes, Bert.
22:03Danny, look, look.
22:03You didn't touch a thing.
22:04My mother's going to kill me.
22:07Bert Campbell killed my father?
22:08There are two things in this life that my mother can't stand to see.
22:12A guest host on The Tonight Show and the food left on the table.
22:20Maybe, maybe it was another Bert Campbell.
22:22It's a common name.
22:23Danny, it was him.
22:25He was the one.
22:26I know.
22:27This is for you.
22:32There's a gun in there.
22:33Oh, and what did you think it would be?
22:34An ass for money to go?
22:41I can't do it.
22:43I beg your pardon?
22:45I mean, you're talking about the man my mother loves.
22:47I can't kill him.
22:48Yes, you can.
22:49No, I can't.
22:49Yes, you can.
22:50No, I can't.
22:50Yes, you can.
22:51No, I can't.
22:52What is this, a musical?
22:54Yes, you can.
22:55And I'm going to tell you how you can by letting you know what's going to happen if you can.
23:00If you can, we're going to kill you.
23:04As they say in Italian.
23:09What does that mean?
23:10Boy, are you in it?
23:14Will Burt and Danny become friends?
23:16Or will Danny kill Burt, thus putting somewhat of a strain on the relationship?
23:21Will Jodi get a sex change operation?
23:24Will Corinne and Jessica find out that not only do they have the same tennis teacher,
23:28but that neither of them are learning to play tennis?
23:31Will Jessica be able to stop?
23:33Will Burt be able to start?
23:35These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of
23:39Soap.
23:48This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
23:55Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
24:00Jessica likes life.
24:02The only thing about life she doesn't know is that she's rich.
24:06Jessica likes life.
24:07The only thing about life she would change if she could is that she would set it all to music.
24:14The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
24:21We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
24:26Mary, too, likes life.
24:27Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
24:31As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
24:37They do, however, have as many secrets.
24:44In last week's episode of Soap, Mary realizes that Jessica and Corinne are playing something
24:50other than tennis with Peter the tennis pro.
24:52Neither Jessica nor Corinne realize that they both are engaged in a game of mixed doubles.
24:58Jessica is so overwhelmed with guilt, she attempts to confess her affair to Chester.
25:03But Chester isn't listening because he's so overwhelmed by his secretary Claire's blackmail
25:08attempts.
25:09Meanwhile at the Campbells, Mary is threatened to move out unless Bert and Danny try to get along.
25:14Getting along with his stepfather Bert becomes even more difficult for Danny
25:18once the godfather tells him Bert was the man who killed his father.
25:22Since the mob will kill Danny if he doesn't kill Bert,
25:25Danny realizes trying to please his mother will be a problem.
25:29But Mary's problems don't end there, since her other son Jody is about to become her daughter.
25:34Confused?
25:35You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
25:49Good, no grief.
25:51Are you just coming home?
25:54Are they still sleeping?
25:55My goodness, you stay out all night, you sleep all day.
25:59The only time I get a chance to clean your room is midnight.
26:03Come on, Benson, I got enough problems.
26:05It's unhealthy, that's what it is.
26:07You never see the sun, you don't eat regular meals, you hardly ever even stand up.
26:16You better get a job, girl.
26:20Oh, morning, Ma.
26:22My goodness, you're up bright and early.
26:24Oh, well, well, I was just leaving.
26:27I'm, uh, I'm going out to look for a job.
26:30As a night watchman.
26:33Well, I'll, I'll see you later, Ma.
26:35Yes, good luck with the job.
26:37Oh, thanks.
26:41Benson?
26:42What?
26:42Why isn't the table set for breakfast?
26:44Because I didn't set it.
26:46Oh, well, I suppose that's a good reason.
26:48And I ain't gonna set it.
26:49Oh, Benson, you have to set the table.
26:51I mean, we have to eat.
26:52People in this house don't eat breakfast.
26:54They run in, bend over, sip, and leave.
26:57So, that's it for table setting.
26:58Table setting is out.
27:00Yes, girl.
27:02Breakfast, the dining room is empty.
27:04I know, dear.
27:04We're having a kind of a buffet in the kitchen this morning.
27:09Chester, how would you like for me to make you some waffles?
27:12Just toast and coffee.
27:14Ah.
27:18Benson?
27:19Hmm?
27:20Why is it everyone else's toast is always a nice, normal color,
27:23and mine is always black?
27:31Black ain't a nice, normal color?
27:35I'm talking about toast, Benson.
27:39Now, why is mine black?
27:40Because it's burnt.
27:47Why don't we fire him?
27:49Don't be silly, darling.
27:50We can't fire Benson.
27:52What do you mean, we can't?
27:53Nobody but Benson would put up with us.
27:56What are you talking about, Jessica?
27:57We're a perfectly nice, normal family.
28:01Good morning, Daddy.
28:04Where have I landed?
28:06In the kitchen, you idiot.
28:08Ah, Colonel.
28:11I was afraid the wind had blown me behind enemy lines.
28:14Here, Daddy.
28:16Hi, Gramps.
28:16There's nobody in the dining room.
28:18I know, dear.
28:19We're all in here.
28:21Could Mommy fix you a nice bowl of cereal for breakfast?
28:24No, thanks, Ma.
28:26You got home very late last night.
28:29Yeah, I know.
28:29I had a date.
28:31You know, Billy, I think maybe it's time that you and I had a little man-to-man talk.
28:36Oh, that's all right, Dad.
28:37Benson took care of that already.
28:42Benson took care of what?
28:44Sex.
28:45See, uh, we also learned it in school.
28:47Of course, in school, they teach us about chickens and fruit flies mating, you know?
28:52Chester, what would a chicken see in a fruit fly?
29:04I don't know, Jessica.
29:08I don't know why they have to teach us about animals.
29:10Benson told it better.
29:12Well, I'm sure that Benson, in his primitive way, explained things to you,
29:19but I think it's a good idea if you had the right view of things.
29:23The white view?
29:26Chester, do whites and blacks do it differently?
29:32I said the right view, Jessica.
29:34Well, I know how it works, Dad.
29:39Unfortunately, it hasn't changed my life any.
29:44Oh, Dad.
30:03He just drank raw eggs.
30:06He just ate burnt toast.
30:09Morning, everyone.
30:10Daddy.
30:11Morning, Princess.
30:11Good morning, darling.
30:13Eunice.
30:14How would you like some pancakes for breakfast?
30:16Oh, no, thank you, Mother.
30:17I'm on 300 calories a day.
30:19300 calories?
30:20But, darling, what can you eat?
30:22Nothing.
30:23If I brush my teeth twice a day, that puts me a little over.
30:31How would you like a ride to the station, Puss?
30:33Oh, no, thanks, Daddy.
30:34I'm flying to Washington to cover a press conference.
30:38Careful of those congressmen.
30:39Too late.
30:44Jessica, would you tell Benson to starch my shirts, not my shorts?
30:51I feel like I'm walking around with saltines in my pants.
30:55I'd better get going, Mother.
30:57I'll be home tonight.
30:58All right, darling.
30:59Have a safe trip.
31:00Bye-bye, Major.
31:03One thing I like about you Italian women, you're very grateful.
31:08Maybe this evening I'll bring you some nylon stockings and Hershey bars.
31:14Mother, this war thing is getting worse and worse.
31:17He doesn't even know where he is anymore.
31:20His mind.
31:21Mind?
31:22Young lady, I'll have you know my mind is sharp as can be.
31:25Thank God.
31:26Come in.
31:39Mr. Babe, I hate to rush you, but I got another lesson real soon.
31:42The real reason I came here today was to break up with you.
31:47Break up with me?
31:49I mean, ironic, isn't it?
31:50Yeah.
31:51I see, I mean, I let this happen once before,
31:54but I came here today to tell you I could never let it happen again.
31:58And then, I mean, I no sooner than get here than I let happen
32:01exactly what I said I would never let happen again.
32:03Well, what happens happens, you know.
32:05Yes, but I mean, why do it happen?
32:08Do you think maybe I'm in love with you?
32:11Ha, ha, ha.
32:12You're not, no.
32:13Well, maybe.
32:14I mean, my stomach goes flip-flop and I'm all shivery.
32:18Well, that's the flu.
32:19The intestinal flu.
32:20I had it myself last week.
32:21I think you should go right home and get to bed.
32:24I hope my mother isn't looking down from heaven at this.
32:27I mean, this would kill her.
32:29This is not love.
32:30This is the flu.
32:32But then, of course, if my mother is looking down from heaven,
32:35being very nearsighted, maybe she wouldn't know it was me anyway.
32:39But then again, maybe in heaven, people aren't nearsighted.
32:44I mean, if there is a life after death, I wonder if you need glasses for it.
32:50Mother!
32:52Corinne!
32:53Uh, Corinne, hello.
32:55I, I was just at the end of my tennis lesson.
32:58I, see, I, uh, I take my lessons up here because the, uh, the lines on the court make me so nervous.
33:04That's right, the lines.
33:06Peter thought of this.
33:08This sort of, uh, takes the pressure off, you know?
33:11Keep your knees bent now and follow through with the racket.
33:13Yeah.
33:14All over the shoulder.
33:15Very good.
33:15I think you're getting it.
33:16I got it.
33:17Very good.
33:17You got it.
33:18I got it.
33:18Good.
33:20I got it.
33:20I think you got it.
33:21Yeah.
33:22Thank you.
33:23I got it.
33:24See you next week.
33:25Bye.
33:28She's really improving.
33:31Really.
33:33Improving.
33:34And you don't have to be a baseball player to use ball four.
33:37After the game, I always use it for the game that's coming up.
33:40And cut.
33:42Good.
33:42I think we got it.
33:43Thank you.
33:44That's a wrap, everybody.
33:49Thank you very much.
33:50Well, how'd it look?
33:51Terrific.
33:51Good.
33:52Listen, if you need tickets to a game sometime, just let me know, okay?
33:55I'll take you up on that.
33:56Hey, how about this Sunday?
33:5749 a game.
33:58Done.
33:58Out of sight.
33:59Great.
33:59That's going to be a great game.
34:00They got a great defense.
34:01Toughest in the league.
34:02All right, Dennis.
34:02What's going on?
34:03You broke two dates with me in the last week.
34:08I told you.
34:08I had a terrible week.
34:10I mean, I had a rough game Sunday.
34:11It's not just that, Dennis.
34:12It's a lot of little things.
34:13I mean, you're different.
34:15Well, how?
34:16How?
34:16Well, like Friday night when we went out for dinner.
34:18You asked for a table instead of a booth.
34:20I mean, you spent the whole meal talking to those people next to us.
34:22And then you tell me, I have a headache.
34:27I did.
34:28Like I kicked in the head and I got a headache.
34:30Like I kicked in the head in practice.
34:32Is there another guy?
34:34Come on, Jody.
34:35It's Ralph, isn't it?
34:36It's not Ralph.
34:37Fine.
34:37Hey, you want to be with Ralph, be with Ralph.
34:39I mean, the man has the IQ of an avocado and the worst nose job that I've ever seen.
34:44It's not Ralph.
34:45It's David, then.
34:46It's not David.
34:47Because he lied, Dennis.
34:48He was never Barbra Streisand's hairdresser.
34:51It's not David.
34:53It's Bob.
34:53It's Bob.
34:54Jody, it's not another guy.
34:55Then what the heck is it?
34:57Well, it's a woman.
35:00I'll be serious.
35:03Come on, Dennis.
35:04When you're at the line of scrimmage, you read the blitz.
35:06You got to dump it up over the middle and throw a zinc out for a quick six.
35:10A woman?
35:12You and a woman?
35:14Some people wouldn't find that so strange, you know.
35:16I know that, Dennis.
35:17But, you know, seeing as you're a homosexual, I...
35:23A woman.
35:25Does she know?
35:27I haven't told her yet.
35:28Well, Dennis, when you touch her and throw up, I think she's going to be suspicious.
35:34I'll tell her.
35:35I'll tell her.
35:41What's so funny?
35:42I'm sorry.
35:43I'm sorry.
35:43I'm just having a little trouble picturing it, that's all.
35:46I mean, what do you do with it?
35:49Listen, Jody, it just so happens I might be a latent heterosexual.
35:51Oh, really?
35:52Yeah.
35:52Oh, and what makes you think you have these heterosexual tendencies?
35:55Just because you're not crazy about Bette Midler?
35:58Look, it has nothing to do with us.
36:03I mean, it's just too risky.
36:04You know, I've only got a couple years of pro ball left.
36:07And after that, I've got to rely on making money from my endorsements.
36:09I mean, if people found out I was...
36:11Homosexual!
36:14All right.
36:15All right.
36:15I'm sorry.
36:16I'm sorry.
36:17But I kind of figured this was coming, so I worked out a solution.
36:21What?
36:21Well, it's a pretty big step.
36:24Sex change operation.
36:25A sex change operation?
36:29Which one of us?
36:33Since you're the quarterback, I guess it would be me.
36:36You mean you'd become a woman?
36:37Mm-hmm.
36:38Doctor said I would look just like Jacqueline Bessette.
36:41Oh, no.
36:43This would solve the problem, but...
36:45But what?
36:46The responsibility.
36:47I mean, I don't want the responsibility.
36:49I mean, what if it didn't work out between us?
36:51If I left you?
36:52I mean, you'd be stuck being a woman and I'd feel awful.
36:54Oh, no, you wouldn't.
36:56You'd be dead.
36:58You'd be dead.
37:07Chester.
37:07Chester, what's the matter with you?
37:09You're a nervous wreck.
37:10Of course I'm nervous, Claire.
37:11I told you I didn't want to come here.
37:13I canceled a very important business lunch to come here today.
37:17Do you know how embarrassing it would be
37:18if the man I was to have had lunch with walked in?
37:21And who were you supposed to have lunch with?
37:23Matt Sloan.
37:25Really?
37:26How brave of him to join you for lunch the day after open-heart surgery.
37:30I mean, to come here wired up to all those machines.
37:35What are you talking about, Claire?
37:38Matt Sloan.
37:39Matt Sloan?
37:40I said Marty Sims.
37:42How could I have lunch with Matt Sloan?
37:44He's in intensive care, for God's sake.
37:47Do you think Mount Sinai let you out of intensive care for a lunch hour?
37:56Marty Sims.
37:57Right.
37:58Well, it must have been very important.
38:00I mean, since Marty Sims is vacationing in the south of France,
38:03this must have been some important lunch.
38:06That's right.
38:06That's precisely how important it was.
38:08Marty Sims was going to hop on the Concorde to get here in time.
38:13Crazy Marty.
38:17Chester, I've been your secretary for 12 years.
38:19You can't lie to me.
38:20You were going to have lunch with Pigeon.
38:22Pigeon?
38:23Oh, Claire, how many times do I have to tell you?
38:27Pigeon and I are through.
38:29Save it, Chester.
38:30I swear it, Claire.
38:31I swear it.
38:31Chester, it's been 12 years I've been doing things for you.
38:35From now on, you're going to be doing things for me.
38:38The lovely condominium that you bought me was just the beginning.
38:41I mean...
38:41Claire, I really can't afford...
38:44Chester, what you really can't afford is an investigation
38:47by the Securities Exchange Commission.
38:49I mean, that's what you really can't afford, Chester.
38:51Claire, Claire, Claire.
38:55You little hothead, you.
38:58All of this is unnecessary.
39:00You know that.
39:02It's you, my sweet.
39:04It's always been you.
39:06It always will be you.
39:08Chester, you double-crossing, dirty, lying cheat.
39:11Miss, uh, Teitelbaum, I was trying to reach you.
39:15Your stock, a minor problem in her account.
39:19She's so short of her stock.
39:22I don't know what you're thinking, but...
39:25Now I know.
39:30Well, so much for pigeon.
39:34Now, Chester, there is one last thing I want you to do for me.
39:37What's that?
39:40Divorce Jessica.
39:42What are you talking about, Claire?
39:43You've been saying you're going to do it for 12 years.
39:46Now think about it, Chester.
39:48It's either me and a two-week honeymoon in the Bahamas,
39:51or Jessica and 10 to 20 in Attica.
39:55So, Chester, what do you say?
40:00What were the choices again?
40:05I just love having tea.
40:07I always feel like such a lady having tea.
40:11Of course, the way things have been going lately,
40:13it would take a great deal more than tea to make me feel like a lady.
40:18In fact, I wonder if I'll ever feel like a lady again.
40:21Jessie, don't you think you ought to stop seeing him?
40:23Somehow, I don't think you're cut out for this.
40:26Well, of course, you know,
40:28Scarlett O'Hara always felt like a lady no matter what she did.
40:32Jessie, what do you think?
40:34Well, I think it was all the hoop skirts and parasols out here.
40:37How could you not feel like a lady with all that, Jessie?
40:41Oh, Mary, I feel awful.
40:42I am absolutely no good at carrying on.
40:46I mean, some people are very good at it.
40:47You know, they just go out and have a good time.
40:49But not me.
40:50I mean, when I go out to have a good time,
40:52I have a terrible time having it.
40:56Also, Corinne almost caught me today in Peter's apartment.
41:00No.
41:01But I very cleverly pretended I was learning to serve.
41:05Jessie, don't see him anymore.
41:09For all you know, he could be carrying on with a lot of women.
41:13He could be carrying on with Corinne.
41:14Oh, Mary, don't be silly.
41:17Corinne is a baby.
41:19Jessie, Corinne is not a baby.
41:21I heard Eunice say that Corinne doesn't even come home at night.
41:25That's because she refuses to wear a watch.
41:28She has...
41:31Mary, I'm telling you, Corinne has absolutely no sense of time.
41:35Look, you know, sometimes she actually says good morning when it's afternoon.
41:40That's the way she is.
41:41Absolutely no sense of time.
41:43But a wonderful sense of direction.
41:47Jessie, that's not true.
41:50Sugar, Mary?
41:51Jessie, you know about Corinne.
41:53Cream?
41:54Jessie, Corinne sleeps out lemon.
41:58Jessie!
42:01Jessie, you can't play ostrich all the time.
42:04Sometimes you have to open your eyes and see what's going on in the world.
42:08I know, Mary, I know.
42:10And I would if there were lovely, beautiful things to look at.
42:14But there aren't, Mary.
42:16Jessie, life can't always be beautiful.
42:20It can.
42:21Mary, it can if you think it can.
42:24Besides, even if Corinne did wear a watch,
42:26she probably wouldn't come home at night.
42:28You know it's in her blood.
42:32What are you talking about?
42:34Well, Mary, you know she's adopted.
42:36Of course, she doesn't know that.
42:38You remember what her mother was like?
42:40And frankly, I think she has inherited the trait of staying out all night.
42:46Somehow, I don't think that's inherited, Jessie.
42:49I don't know why not.
42:51Eye color and money is.
42:55Jessie, what are you going to do?
42:58Go to the bathroom.
42:59It's the tea.
43:00I don't know how the English do it.
43:01They must be up and down every five minutes.
43:04Oh, no.
43:06About Peter.
43:07Oh, I'm never going to see him again.
43:10Really?
43:11Really.
43:11Never again.
43:12Oh, good.
43:13Jess, that's wise.
43:15And I'm going to tell him, too, just as soon as I see him.
43:20Jessie, go.
43:23And this is Marvin.
43:25Typical.
43:27Those are hamsters.
43:28No, I thought they were water buffalo.
43:32So, Marvin, I haven't got all the time in the world.
43:35Are we going steady or what?
43:36Not that it matters one way or another.
43:38If it's not you, it's somebody else.
43:40And why do we have to go steady?
43:42Because everybody is.
43:43It's no big deal.
43:45Okay, fine, forget it.
43:47Well, I have to think about it.
43:49What's there to think about?
43:50Well, I don't know if I want to get tied down.
43:53Fine, forget it.
43:55Well, this isn't a yes, but if we were to happen to go steady, what exactly do we do?
44:00I told you.
44:01You wear something of mine and that's it.
44:03What, shoes?
44:04No, a ring or a bracelet.
44:06Do you have one?
44:07No.
44:08Listen, I think next time you ask a girl to go steady, you should prepare a little for it.
44:13Wait, I got it.
44:15You can wear this on a chain.
44:19What is it?
44:20That's a genuine shark's tooth.
44:22Gross, haven't you got something gold?
44:24What's wrong with the tooth?
44:28I mean, Judy has Eric's ring and Tracy has Sam's football charm.
44:32Stephanie has a silver thingamajig from Ronnie.
44:34Everybody's wearing silver and gold and I'm not wearing a tooth from a fish.
44:39Okay, fine.
44:40I'll get you something.
44:41And if I do, are you going to wear it?
44:43Well, I don't know.
44:44What if I want to date other guys?
44:45What are you talking about?
44:46You don't even date.
44:49And it doesn't mean you can kiss me.
44:51Who wants to kiss you?
44:52I don't want to kiss you.
44:53Kissing is gross.
44:54So what's it going to be?
44:55I haven't got all day.
44:58Hey, what's this?
45:00I won it for swimming.
45:01I'll take it.
45:03My medal!
45:03Yeah!
45:04That's the medal I won for swimming.
45:06Do you want to go steady or not?
45:08All right, all right.
45:09You can keep it.
45:10So does this mean we're going steady now?
45:12Yeah.
45:13See ya.
45:16My medal.
45:28Oh, hi, Danny boy.
45:29Am I glad you're here.
45:30I started to make a sandwich.
45:32I got a little carried away.
45:33You can share it with me.
45:34Oh, if your mother saw what I was making right before dinner,
45:37she'd kill me.
45:38She always thinks I'm going to ruin my appetite.
45:42Danny, Danny.
45:43You did it.
45:44You quit the mob and you're giving me your gun.
45:46I can't.
45:52I can't believe this.
45:53I can't believe what's going on here.
45:54I hope not without the mayonnaise that's in the icebox.
45:58Oh, I'm feeling so good.
46:00I swear I'm feeling so good.
46:01If I could carry it through, I'd sing a song.
46:03Thank you very much.
46:05What a wonderful day this has turned out to be.
46:07And I can't tell you how happy I am about you and me, Danny.
46:10If you think I'm happy, you should see how happy your mother is.
46:13Of course, she wouldn't be happy if she saw the sandwich I was...
46:15Thank you.
46:16You know, I think it's all going to work out.
46:18I mean, so much has happened today.
46:19So many wonderful things.
46:21You know, I think today is the happiest day of my life.
46:24I know I already said that, but it's just because I'm so happy.
46:29Ah, and this, this looks terrific.
46:31A terrific sandwich for a terrific day.
46:34Ah, it's almost ready.
46:35And now, Danny, we're going to have ourselves a treat day.
46:37Hi, Bert.
46:38Hi, Danny.
46:45See you later, Danny.
46:46You bet.
46:50I can't believe it.
46:51If I didn't see it with my own eyes, the difference in your relationship.
46:55Well, it's just night and day, Mary.
46:57Just night and day.
46:58Just night and day.
47:03Will Jessica and Corinne ever stop to wonder why they're both learning to play tennis
47:07in Peter's apartment?
47:09Will Jessica leave Peter and try to make her marriage work?
47:12Will Chester leave Claire and risk getting sent to jail?
47:16Will Jodi get a sex change operation and try to compete with his boyfriend's girlfriend?
47:22Will Bert get to eat his sandwich or will Danny kill him first?
47:25These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.