Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S01 E09. Further Concerns.
First broadcast 11th June 2018.
Transcript
00:00This is a production of the U.S. Embassy in the Philippines
00:31Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:33a show that so neatly combines my passions for stressing and filing
00:36that I have to strap myself to my inner thigh
00:38so you can't tell exactly how excited I am to be here.
00:42Well, let's kick things off with my first worry of the night,
00:45and my first worry is this one.
00:48When I'm at home, I worry I'll never again feel the sweet sensation of boredom.
00:52One of the reasons I can't relax now is to-do lists, endless to-do lists,
00:55on my phone, a constant, never-ending list of tasks I'm supposed to do.
00:59Do you keep to-do lists?
01:01In the notes on my phone, I've got one note that is just stuff that I put.
01:05So it's my to-do list, my list of ideas for material, my shot.
01:10Don't whisper it. People know you're a comedian.
01:13My God, he's planning this shit.
01:17But, obviously, it all blurs into one, so I'm like,
01:20I'll look at the list, I'll have written the word pesto at 2am,
01:24and I don't know whether I think I should do stand-up about it
01:26if that's a bi-pesto.
01:30It's funny you mention material, because I have stuff I don't think is good enough for stand-up
01:33I'll put on Twitter, because it's funny.
01:35Yeah, I follow you.
01:39I thought of a joke a little while back about, like,
01:41after Christmas, you suddenly realise, do you know what,
01:44I'm not going to finish that jar of chutney.
01:47And I just couldn't, I could never word it,
01:49so on my to-do list is chutney tweet.
01:55So what is it?
01:57I don't think anyone's ever finished a jar of chutney.
01:59No.
02:00I think you do about half of it, and then there's so much
02:02sort of residual cheese and butter in there,
02:04you just think, oh, I'm not going to finish this.
02:06So you scoop it into the bin, or the toilet, depending on your preference.
02:10A toilet?
02:12If I've just changed the bin bag, and I don't want, like,
02:14stinky chutney in there...
02:17That's weird.
02:18You've got a lovely, fresh, new bin bag on the go.
02:21Don't throw anything away, love, I've just changed the bin bag.
02:26You don't want to put stinky...
02:27And if it's like, if it's old chutney and some of the vinegar liquid
02:30has gone onto the top, you think, if this is a perforated bin bag,
02:33I'm going to get sort of vinegar piss in the bottom of the bin.
02:37I'm sort of finding out now that actually,
02:39there's more in this chutney thing than I thought.
02:42I've noticed you've put your phone away.
02:44I know, I'm not wasting this on a tweet, this is a whole show.
02:49I worry that my body is becoming the wrong shape.
02:52Jo, what's the least favourite part of your body?
02:56I sort of neck down.
02:58Neck down?
03:00If you had to narrow it down?
03:01Yeah.
03:02But most of the neck as well.
03:04Neck as well?
03:05Yeah.
03:06So basically, from the chin up, you're happy with?
03:09Sarah, are there any parts of your body that you are
03:11or have been uncomfortable with?
03:13OK, so one of the things I've always struggled with
03:16is I have got very small boobs, and I guess you can pad your bra,
03:22but after about 16, that's not a quirky thing anymore.
03:26And it's a very visual thing.
03:28With men, and obviously men get insecure about penis size,
03:31but that's a surprise.
03:34Do you know what I mean?
03:35But isn't that, there's at least something about your boobs,
03:38you know straight away what size your boobs are,
03:40whereas with a man, the only person who's ever going to find out
03:42you've got a small penis is somebody, or a big penis.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:49Shit.
03:50I can edit that, I can edit it.
03:52Just pick that one up again for the edit,
03:54apparently there was a rustling on the mic there.
03:57The only time someone's going to find out you've got an abnormally big dick
04:01is the person you are most keen to impress,
04:05and that moment is not going to come when you're having dinner,
04:08like, oh, by the way, that's what you're looking at later.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13I do still do these socks down the front.
04:17You know, roll the socks down the front.
04:19Oh, rolled up?
04:20Yeah, and I do the front, but a bit of advice,
04:22if you do that and you end up running about,
04:26there is a chance it'll slide to the back.
04:28Oh, God.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:32Just kind of looks like you shat yourself.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:37Let's have a break there, because I need to go and check on
04:40who I think might be rotting in the toilets.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:47There's a thing I need for that gag I made.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:53I can't...
04:55I can't fucking reach it, can I?
04:57LAUGHTER
05:01I guess they thought Stephen Merchant would be hosting this show.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07Well, let's have a break there while I go and check on two audience members
05:10who I think might be rotting in the toilets.
05:14Oh, the fucking thing is not...
05:16LAUGHTER
05:19Right.
05:21Fucking better laugh at this now.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:27Well, let's have a break there while I go and check on two audience members
05:30who I worry might be rotting in the toilets.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36APPLAUSE
05:43David Levy is the author of a book called Love And Sex With Robots,
05:46The Evolution Of Human-Robot Relationships.
05:49He says marriage between sinew and metal would be legal by 2050.
05:53I don't know whether you would see a world in which you would ever marry a robot,
05:56but I think I could probably fall for a robot that just looked at me and said,
06:00Do you know what? That's a really good point.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:04Marriage between sinew and metal, such as it's known, is already happening.
06:08It's happening in Japan, and we can have a look at a VR wedding here.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:15So here he is strapping his VR goggles.
06:17He's about to marry a virtual reality bride.
06:19I thought that was the robot.
06:21That's a lonely guy. That's the VR world there.
06:23Still UPVC windows. They've not pushed the technology there.
06:27Here's the bride. Here he comes with his little wank gloves.
06:33The loneliest man in the world.
06:38There is not a bow deep enough to tackle the shame involved.
06:44Why did the priest have to be VR John?
06:47That's my main objection to this.
06:49Let the men of the cloth be sinew, at the very least.
06:54Before we slag them off too much,
06:56I'm lucky to say that we are joined now by the lucky lady.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:04She's here tonight.
07:06John Richardson makes all of his props. It's a trade secret.
07:10Would you like to greet the lucky lady?
07:12I'll bow to her.
07:14Thank you.
07:16Congratulations.
07:18A little congratulatory kiss for the lady?
07:20Just a little one.
07:22Oh, gosh, gosh.
07:28I hope my wife doesn't watch this.
07:32I worry I'll go into a virtual pub and never want to leave.
07:36In a more romantic application,
07:38you could get married in a virtual reality world.
07:41The dream for me, getting invited to a wedding and not having to go.
07:45Strap the VR headset to the cat and go down the pub for the day.
07:50John's enjoying the wedding, isn't he?
07:52You'd think his balls would be clean by now, though.
07:55He's really been going at them things today.
07:59We all know what would actually happen if there was virtual reality.
08:03We all know that.
08:05We've got the internet, we know what people will mainly do on it.
08:11Everyone will just plug into it and just go,
08:14Here's the parts I've always wanted to shag and now I'm going to do it forever.
08:20Just one guy applauded.
08:23He can't wait.
08:25He's literally clapping and looking at me going,
08:27I'll see you later.
08:32I worry that animals deserve the planet more than we do.
08:35I like squirrels quite a bit
08:38and I know that that can be a controversial position
08:40because a lot of people dislike them.
08:42I think they group them in with pigeons and others.
08:46I had this close squirrel encounter when I was in university
08:51because I had a fire escape that led up to my room.
08:54There was this squirrel that was on the fire escape
08:57and as I went up, he was going up.
08:59I was like, no, this isn't going to work
09:01because at some point you're going to get to my open window
09:03and if you get into my place, things are going to go wrong.
09:05But he understood that that was not the thing to do
09:08and I was going to freak out and he was like,
09:10oh, I see you're not into this girl. I'll go.
09:12And he just flew off of the third story and ran off
09:15and I was like, you're awesome.
09:17Come back. I'm in love with you now.
09:19It sounds like that's the sort of behaviour
09:21that it would be great if more creepy men were like squirrels.
09:23Hello, madam. Oh, you're not into this.
09:25Goodbye!
09:27And just fly away.
09:29Just fly out the window.
09:31And then suddenly we'd be like, oh, that was really cool.
09:33Oh, I wish he'd left his number.
09:37What's your problem with the moon?
09:40Why is that a severe worry for you?
09:42I worry it watches me while I'm asleep.
09:49I have several worries relating to the moon.
09:51It being drawn into our gravitational pull,
09:53it blocking out the sunlight.
09:55It's a nuisance.
09:57Why aren't you worried...
09:58Jury service, I'd move up.
10:00I'd worry about that.
10:01Yeah, this whole system is dog shit.
10:05Well, jury service is a minor worry because it's fun, isn't it?
10:08I don't think so.
10:10If you're on a really harrowing case, it's not that much of a lot.
10:12Oh, of course, on a harrowing case.
10:14But other than that, it's just a chance to send someone down
10:16for not engaging flight mode on their phone, right?
10:20Holiday selfies, condiments.
10:24What is your problem with condiments?
10:26My dream is a day when I've done all my admin
10:28and everything's finished.
10:30Like, all my emails, all my texts are done,
10:32I've replied to everyone.
10:34Then you start going through your house
10:36and you get all your beddings clean,
10:38all the washing's done.
10:40Then you look at your condiments,
10:42they're never going to be finished.
10:44You never finish ketchup and brown sauce at the same time.
10:46So there's always, like,
10:48sometimes you need a new ketchup
10:50but the brown sauce is two-thirds
10:52and the mustard's like five-eighths.
10:54You can clean them all, but it's not the same
10:56as having all brand...
10:58Imagine opening the fridge
11:00and it's all brand-new condiments.
11:02I'm going to move that one up, actually.
11:06What is your biggest fear?
11:14I worry I will become a viral sensation
11:16against my will.
11:20There are 300 million
11:22photos a day
11:24uploaded to Facebook at the moment
11:26and that means 300 million opportunities
11:28every day to spend the rest
11:30of your life known as
11:32Little Jockey Man on a Boat.
11:36Ha-ha-ha!
11:38Ha-ha-ha-ha!
11:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
11:42Absolutely perfect.
11:44And of course the most famous of them all,
11:46300 million opportunities a day
11:48to be Chuckle Brother Cock Lady.
11:54A pint of dick there.
11:56I'm not seeing it.
11:58If you can't see the penis there,
12:00it's just there.
12:03Is it coming out of her glass?
12:10Glass with a pint of cock in it.
12:24That's so good
12:26to watch you enjoy that.
12:28Do you have siblings?
12:30Have you struggled with sibling rivalry?
12:32Yeah, I've a brother and sister, both older than me.
12:34Cooler than you?
12:36No, I'm cooler than them.
12:38What's it like being the coolest one?
12:40It's something I've learned to live with.
12:42In many ways it's a type of responsibility.
12:46It's something I wear lightly
12:48and I think they appreciate that because
12:50otherwise it would just be too intimidating.
12:54Let's have a look at some sibling rivalries.
12:56First up you've got the Gallaghers.
12:58You've got your brother on the right.
13:00The rest are of course Liam and Noel.
13:02And Paul, who is the third brother of the Gallaghers.
13:04Can you identify which one's which?
13:06Noel actually looks like a Thunderbirds puppet.
13:08He's on the left.
13:10Paul is the one next to his mum.
13:12I think Paul's in the middle.
13:14Paul is the eldest brother there.
13:16Noel is on the left.
13:18Liam is the youngest.
13:20And there's Paul in the middle.
13:22Very talented xylophone player
13:24but they just couldn't make that work in the band.
13:26So Paul went on to do other things.
13:28Let's have a look at a more recent picture of Paul.
13:32There he is still trying to grasp how to sit on a chair.
13:34He's never going to work in the band
13:36if you can't sit on a chair, Paul.
13:38And here he is auditioning
13:40for the role of Samwise Gamgee.
13:44I think probably the most powerful
13:46sibling rivalry of our time
13:48I would say is amongst these three gentlemen here.
13:52As we all know Barry and Paul
13:54and on the left there
13:56is the third chuckle brother.
13:58That's Jimmy Chuckle.
14:00Wow.
14:02A genuine third chuckle.
14:04Surely he's not called Chuckle.
14:06They're not all Chuckles.
14:08He is a brother.
14:10It's absolutely blown my mind
14:12that Chuckle isn't their actual surname.
14:14But that's not for now.
14:16And of course the lesser known
14:18of the Pitts.
14:20Here's Brad Pitt with his brother Doug Pitt
14:22named after the most boring diary entry
14:24of all time.
14:26June 12th
14:281987, Doug Pitt.
14:32There's a third brother Phil.
14:34Doug and Phil never got on.
14:36It always felt like Doug Pitt
14:38and Phil Pitt were working at odds in many ways.
14:42Every time I eat out
14:44I worry I'm touching too many penises.
14:46This is basically
14:48gentlemen in a restaurant
14:50who go to a toilet
14:52urinate, don't wash their hands
14:54leave the toilet
14:56thus smearing bits of their penis
14:58on the door.
15:00I go to the toilet, I wash my hands
15:02thus washing my own penis off my hands
15:04and I can't get out without touching his penis.
15:06And it's not just his penis
15:08it's everyone, there's probably 300 penises
15:10on that door.
15:12What's wrong with touching a penis?
15:14I just...
15:16What's wrong with touching a penis?
15:18It's only a bit of skin.
15:20I just feel like this is something you'll be shouting
15:22across a courtroom one day.
15:24As...
15:26What?
15:28What's wrong?
15:30Well if you can't
15:32convince people to be clean
15:34then you'd best learn to love being dirty.
15:36Perhaps good hygiene is overrated.
15:38Here to argue that is 70s throwback Mike Bubbins.
15:44Two second rule.
15:46Beautiful.
15:48I know what you're thinking.
15:50That's dirty, it's full of germs.
15:52That's not going to bother me.
15:54Our bodies need germs
15:56so we can learn how to fight them.
15:58Remember, what doesn't kill you
16:00makes you stronger
16:02and that is a fact.
16:04I think.
16:06It's estimated up to half of all children
16:08grow up with an allergy
16:10because their houses are too clean.
16:12Well, all those allergies
16:14didn't come from nowhere, did they?
16:20Yes, I have.
16:22Sit down one too.
16:24Lovely.
16:26Did I wash my hands?
16:28I got them wet.
16:30Look at you lot, washing like maniacs.
16:32A fat lot of good is doing you.
16:34Food poisoning has tripled in the last ten years.
16:36Look at me.
16:38Peak physical condition.
16:40Since 1973.
16:42Back in my day, you were posh
16:44and got a bath more than once a month.
16:46And by posh, I mean weak.
16:48One bath was enough.
16:50We'd end up a shower every day like you bloody idiots.
16:52It never ceases to amaze me
16:54how stupid young people are.
16:56Life's too short to live in fear.
16:58No good's going to come from you
17:00carb dodging, alcohol free,
17:02taking things easy, nicotine patch wearing,
17:04opening doors with your elbows,
17:06sticking hose pipes up your arse lifestyle.
17:08Man up. Woman up.
17:10Whatever.
17:16Beautiful.
17:20Thank you, Mike.
17:24Do you worry that your foe knows you better than your family, David?
17:26I...
17:28I mean, there's certainly a fear.
17:30I was watching Who Do You Think You Are?
17:32where you try and piece together
17:34the life of someone's great grandmother
17:36from a couple of fragments.
17:38And how different it'll be for us.
17:40Where every
17:42debit card transaction we ever make
17:44will be cross-referenceable
17:46with some text message
17:48that's just got 18 emoji poos
17:50on it.
17:52It's a fear that I have. And I actually, um...
17:54You know what big fear is?
17:56I deal with them through song.
17:58Yes.
18:00Son, I've lived
18:02a good life.
18:04Now I can feel the darkness
18:06closing in.
18:10So lean in,
18:12lean in, dear old
18:14man.
18:16I need you to do
18:18one final thing.
18:20Please
18:22delete my account.
18:26Wipe out all the shit
18:28that I've ever said.
18:30Every text,
18:32any mail,
18:34every chat on Gmail.
18:36I want to be
18:38dead when I'm dead.
18:42There's flirty MSNs
18:44from the millennium.
18:46And so much
18:48late 90s music forum
18:50rage.
18:52There's boring
18:54WhatsApps and sordid dating
18:56app chats.
18:58I'm on the Dawson's Creek
19:00Facebook page.
19:04Eliminate
19:06my Myspace.
19:08Check if Bebo
19:10is still online.
19:12I think
19:14I once had
19:16a Yahoo.
19:18And the password was
19:20Yahoo password 69.
19:22I just
19:24want to leave
19:26a few
19:28hazy memories
19:30in living things.
19:32Get rid
19:34of
19:36everything else.
19:38Then click
19:40me into,
19:42click me into,
19:44click me into the bin.
19:46So,
19:48before we go,
19:50there is just time
19:52for a quick worry
19:54from our studio audience.
19:56Matty Burt.
19:58Where's Matty Burt?
20:00There you are.
20:02What's your worry, Matty?
20:04My worry is that my wife
20:06loves our dog more than she loves me.
20:08I'll just declare
20:10an interest straight away.
20:12I don't think there is a human on Earth
20:14that can eat with a dog.
20:16Is that your wife?
20:18That's my wife.
20:20Do you love the dog more than him?
20:22Sometimes.
20:24What is the dog?
20:26It's a sausage dog.
20:28I have some authority.
20:30We have a sausage dog,
20:32a Dachshund as well.
20:34What we ended up with,
20:36not separate beds,
20:38but separate duvets.
20:40Because if you have got a single duvet
20:42and you put that in between,
20:44neither of you can stay warm
20:46because they just take a whole lot.
20:48Do that first,
20:50and then see if things improve.
20:52What are the other signs
20:54that the dog is higher in the pecking order
20:56than you?
20:58The dog could literally
21:00walk in the front room,
21:02take himself to the curtain,
21:04relieve himself,
21:06get a pat on the back,
21:08say,
21:10So the real worry
21:12is that you're just not allowed to piss around the house.
21:16I'll be honest, it's gone from red to green
21:18very quickly.
21:24So that's...
21:26We've come to the end of this week's show.
21:28Thank you very much. Is there anything I've been able
21:30to tell you this week that's going to stay with you when you leave?
21:32I've learnt nothing.
21:34Thank you.
21:36Good night.
21:38I'm only sweating, I'm only sweating.
21:42Ooh, careful, mate.
21:50There's no hope.
21:52She's jammed, she's jammed.
21:54I'm definitely going to die.
21:56I was not a paranoid person
21:58before I came on this show.
22:00I worry you've got no soul.
22:02John, are you happy?
22:04I just don't think there's time to get into that really.
22:08Thank you.
22:38Thank you.