Frasier Season 3 Episode 17 High Crane Drifte R
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00:00Well, it's 2-0-7 here on the Dr. Frazier Crane Show.
00:08As I said, I'm Roz Doyle, Frazier's producer,
00:13filling in for the temporarily detained Dr. Crane.
00:19It's cloudy and 62 degrees outside coming up on 2-0-8.
00:26Right there.
00:32Well, let's take a call.
00:36Hello, Lydia. What seems to be the problem?
00:40I already told you.
00:41Yeah, but that was when I was the call screener, now I'm the host.
00:46So tell me your problem and take your time.
00:49Well, it started about two weeks ago.
00:53I got this terrible, obscene phone call.
00:55It's happened several times since then,
00:58and now it's to the point where I'm afraid to answer my own phone.
01:01Well, obscene phone calls can be very disturbing,
01:04but luckily Dr. Frazier Crane has just arrived
01:06and I'm sure he knows exactly what soothing things to say.
01:18Maybe now would be a good time to take a break.
01:20We'll be right back after this.
01:23What the hell was that all about?
01:24Oh, never mind that. Where were you?
01:27Oh, God. Somebody had parked in my space again.
01:30I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way.
01:34By the end, my tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks
01:37I almost caught myself on fire.
01:42Tell you what, the minute we go to a news break,
01:45I'm going to rush down there and put this withering note on his windshield.
01:51Dear, discourteous driver.
01:56Whoa, I think you've said enough right there.
02:00Come on, Frazier, this isn't going to do any good.
02:04You want to make an impression on him? Get tough.
02:06You go right down there and let the air out of his tires.
02:09Oh, I wouldn't do something like that.
02:11Why? It's just inconveniencing him like he inconvenienced you.
02:16Rosalind, the world has become uncivilized enough
02:18without me stooping to that level.
02:20Of course, I was sorely tempted last night.
02:24I went to the movies to see how green was my valley.
02:27Lady Luck seated me in front of two elderly women
02:30who said with the arrival of each new actor,
02:32my God, doesn't he look young? He's dead, you know.
02:39Finally, I had to just walk out.
02:41Okay, you're on in five seconds, and Brenda is on line one.
02:49Hello, Seattle, we're back, and I would like to start
02:51by apologizing for being tardy.
02:55Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait.
02:59Now, without further ado, let's get to Brenda.
03:03Hello, Brenda.
03:05Hi, Dr. Crane. I'm having a problem with my sister.
03:09She's always... Oh, wait a second, that's my other line.
03:15Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.
03:39You're welcome.
03:42You're welcome.
03:54Excuse me, I was wondering if you could direct me to...
03:58Friendly video.
04:01Yeah, yeah, I think we got that one. Hang on a second, I'll check.
04:06Hey, don't you hate that?
04:09Come on down here yourself to the store, wait patiently,
04:12and then somebody who calls in from home gets preferential treatment.
04:16I can help the next person in line.
04:23Hey, do we have the invisible man?
04:26Right here.
04:30Thanks. Yeah, we got it.
04:33Excuse me.
04:35I was looking for...
04:38Don't even think about it!
04:44I'm looking for How Green Was My Valley.
04:47Huh?
04:49It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a small town in Wales.
04:55It won five Academy Awards. It's a classic.
04:58Oh, well, this is a shot in the dark,
05:01but you might try looking in the classics section.
05:09You're taking How Green Was My Valley?
05:12I heard it was great.
05:14Yes, but you heard it from me! You were standing next to me in the line!
05:21Excuse me, is there another copy?
05:24Oh, yeah, that'd be across the street in our How Green Was My Valley annex.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:43Hey, Daphne, come on, you're just in time. It's starting.
05:47I don't get this show.
05:49People send in videos of themselves having the most embarrassing and painful accidents.
05:55They add cartoon noises and music and everyone laughs themselves silly.
06:01Oh, boy, I bet that hurt!
06:11Well, what's wrong with you?
06:13Frankly, I have had it with the whole boorish, ill-mannered world.
06:18Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight?
06:23I went to three video stores to get this tape. I'm just dying to see it.
06:27Sure, go ahead.
06:29How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door?
06:36Depends upon the dog.
06:50What the hell is that?
06:53The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking and I am talking to no one!
07:00Oh, I see our neighbours have it again.
07:03Not for long. I'm going to take a nap.
07:06Dad, you can't possibly sleep in this racket.
07:09Are you kidding? I slept worse than this.
07:12In Korea, I dropped off in a foxhole right outside Panmunjom.
07:16By the time I woke up, the ceasefire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it.
07:21Thought I'd have an egg on your face.
07:24Yes, yes, would you please connect me with a young man who just moved into the penthouse upstairs?
07:29No, I don't know his name. He's in the penthouse.
07:33He has shaggy hair, he has tattoos all over him, his body is pierced.
07:38I don't know if I mentioned this, but he's in the penthouse!
07:50Never mind.
07:53Has the world completely lost the concept of common courtesy?
07:57Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?
08:01People of Seattle, listen to me!
08:07We are not barbarians!
08:09We are not Neanderthals and we are not French!
08:14Do you hear that, you?
08:21That's his own music he's listening to, you know.
08:25His name is Freddy Chainsaw.
08:27Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws?
08:33How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
08:38His last album sold five million copies.
08:41Oh, well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
08:51You know, personally, I like it.
08:56But then, we Brits have always been on the cutting edge.
09:00You should have heard the punk rockers who rented the flat below me a few years back.
09:05They'd play the same song over and over again.
09:09Flesh is burning, na-na-na-na-na-na.
09:12Flesh is burning, na-na-na-na-na-na.
09:16Oh, no, I'm going to have that tune in my head all day now.
09:22Yes, well, thank you for that, dear.
09:24I've been waiting all day to watch my movie.
09:29Oh.
09:42It doesn't ever stop for sex and drugs!
09:52Hello? Yes?
09:55Please, I insist I'm being connected to the young man in the penthouse.
10:01Yes, hello? Mr. Chainsaw?
10:03Yes. How do you do? I'm Dr. Fredrick Crane.
10:06I am your neighbor. I live right below you.
10:09Yes, do you have any idea how loud your music is?
10:14Oh, you do?
10:18Well, uh, thank you.
10:21Wasn't so bad. Young man seemed quite amiable in his way.
10:31I'm going out!
10:33What?
10:34I am going out!
10:35What?
10:36I am going out!
10:38Hey, Fredrick, will you keep it down? I'm trying to take a nap!
10:51Smell me, Niles.
10:56Grandpa.
10:57Exactly.
10:59I was on my way down in the elevator today.
11:01This woman thinks nothing of lighting up a cigarette.
11:04Has the world gone mad?
11:06I know exactly how you feel.
11:08This morning I discovered a ding in the door of my car.
11:11Let me guess. No note on the windshield?
11:14No, and even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop,
11:18the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left.
11:21They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a hunchback.
11:27No, I think that would be a hatchback, Niles.
11:30Paint it panic button red.
11:32There's a large rear window that pops open.
11:35Oh, that would be the hatchback.
11:37Well, here's a novel idea.
11:39Name the car after its most hideous feature.
11:42Name the car after its most hideous feature.
11:52I presume it was a toss-up between hatchback and
11:55what's that odor coming from the floor?
12:00On the ground, three tables. Go! Go! Go! Go!
12:04Oh, the biscotti!
12:05Leave it!
12:06Oh, no! Go on without me!
12:12Up there!
12:15Excuse me.
12:20Check on table one.
12:23Are we down there?
12:35We're not hovering, believe me.
12:37It's just that there's really no place else to stand.
12:43Oh, just take your time, please. There's no rush.
12:47We don't have a red hatchback here.
12:50It's about to be towed.
12:52Now, listen to your car.
12:53Shh! Someone will hear you.
12:58Niles, it's about to be towed.
13:00I am not owning up to that car.
13:01I don't care if it's careening toward a baby carriage.
13:06Oh, thank you so much. Take care. Have a lovely day.
13:13Excuse me.
13:14Look, we were waiting for this table.
13:17So, get another one.
13:20Well, there aren't any.
13:22Look, you knew that we were waiting for it.
13:24We politely stood back and let those people leave,
13:26and then you just jumped right in here.
13:28Well, you won't make that mistake again.
13:33Frazier, Frazier, forget it.
13:34We'll just, we'll wait for another table.
13:36No, we won't!
13:38This isn't about the table anymore.
13:40It's about the erosion of common decency.
13:44Sir, when you treat me this way,
13:46you encourage me to be discourteous to another,
13:48and so on, and so on.
13:53You don't have any manners, do you?
13:58Perhaps what you need is...
14:01an etiquette lesson!
14:11Sit down, Niles.
14:16My brother will have a decaf.
14:27She's burning,
14:31She's burning,
14:36Her flesh is burning.
14:40Her flesh is burning.
14:44Oh, hi, Frazier.
14:45How are you feeling?
14:46Fine.
14:48You know, I didn't ask you yesterday how your day went.
14:53What did Niles tell you?
14:54Nothing.
14:55Geez, can I ask you how your day went?
14:57How was work?
14:59How's your badass self?
15:05Dammit!
15:06Niles blabbed.
15:07No, he didn't.
15:08No, he didn't.
15:10He made the people of Seattle call him, right here,
15:12under the Crane mutiny.
15:17Three cheers for Dr. Frazier Crane,
15:20who struck a blow against rudeness yesterday
15:22in a coffee house melee.
15:26Perfect.
15:27Now all of Seattle knows about my loutish behavior.
15:30What are you talking about?
15:31This guy had it coming.
15:33I can just picture it.
15:35He probably looked at you and he thought,
15:37this guy's a cream puff, you know?
15:39A wuss.
15:40A wimp.
15:42A cupcake.
15:43Dad!
15:45I'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you!
15:51Ah!
15:52There he is, the man who floats like a leopard-optera
15:54and stings like a hymenoptera.
16:02Niles, I think you're just jealous.
16:04Jealous?
16:05Don't be ridiculous.
16:06This is my favorite part.
16:08With one swift move,
16:09the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear,
16:12declaring,
16:13what you need is an etiquette lesson.
16:17I love that!
16:18You got your own tough guy catchphrase.
16:21Perfect for you, Frazier.
16:22Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.
16:28Come on, show me how you grabbed him.
16:30Use Niles.
16:31No, no, Dad.
16:33I will not toss Niles about the room.
16:35Oh, no, go ahead.
16:36Rough me up, Mr. Big Hero Bully Bouncer.
16:43Did that sound jealous?
16:45A tad.
16:46Well, all right, I'm jealous.
16:47Why shouldn't I be?
16:49All my life, I've backed out of fights,
16:51and watching you leap into the fray like that, I...
16:55Made me think.
16:56Just once, I'd like to experience what you felt.
16:58Go nose to nose.
17:00Oh, your day will come, son.
17:02I don't know.
17:03I tried it this morning with my dry cleaner, Mr. Kim.
17:14I decided to give him a good tongue lashing
17:16because he'd shattered the Mother of Pearl buttons on my best waistcoat.
17:21Unfortunately, due to his tenuous grasp of English
17:24and the fact that his mother's name is Pearl,
17:26I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers.
17:34Good morning, Dr. Crane.
17:36And to you, Dr. Crane, our very own knight in shining armour.
17:41Oh, great.
17:42I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me.
17:46For weeks now,
17:47some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer
17:51and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess.
17:54This morning, I decided to get my revenge,
17:57so I took off my new red panties
18:00and I popped them in with his wife's.
18:02Bravo, Daphne.
18:04Good for you.
18:05God, I wish I'd been there.
18:10Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
18:13Absolutely not.
18:15Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them.
18:20You know, Phage, why do you keep backing away from this?
18:23I mean, you should be proud of yourself.
18:25We all think you did the right thing and the newspaper does too.
18:28That's right.
18:29And I'm going to fix you a proper hero's breakfast.
18:32No, no, no, Daphne, please.
18:34Really, it's not necessary.
18:36Thank you all.
18:37It's just, this isn't sitting well with me.
18:41I find it hard to believe any good can come of violence.
18:49Not again!
18:57Mr. Chainsaw!
18:59This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
19:14Go ahead, Daphne.
19:16Make my eggs.
19:29Whoa!
19:35You know, I do wish people would stop making such a fuss.
19:38They will if you quit walking up and down the hall.
19:45You're on in five seconds.
19:46Oh, yes, ma'am.
19:54Hello, this is Dr. Fraser Crane.
19:57Who's on the line, Ross?
19:59We have Mitch on line three.
20:01He's having trouble with his neighbors.
20:05Hello, Mitch.
20:06Make that head trouble.
20:08This idiot next door had his leaf blower going at 7 a.m. again.
20:13Oh, that's very inconsiderate.
20:15Yeah, I'll say.
20:16That's why I decided to give him an etiquette lesson.
20:19I grabbed that leaf blower and smashed it against a tree.
20:27Mitch, I must say, I'm stunned.
20:30I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction.
20:36So I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner.
20:42Come on, Summer!
20:45Hey, he asked for it.
20:47So I put 100 scorpions in a FedEx package.
20:52Look, I'm sorry, but no matter how provoked you may have been,
20:57there is no earthly justification for setting someone's lawn on fire.
21:03But she doesn't curb her dog.
21:08You don't take any guff. Why should I?
21:12Rochelle, all of you,
21:15don't you realize that your behavior is just a bit extreme?
21:20I displayed a minor bit of force in order to just make a point,
21:24but I didn't go around smashing windows or torching lawns.
21:29God, where does it end?
21:31Are you saying that what I did was wrong?
21:34Of course I am.
21:35But what you did was okay.
21:37No, no.
21:39I've come to think of it, what I did was just as wrong.
21:46I mean, who am I to draw the line at the acceptable level of force?
21:50Because the next person moves a little farther,
21:53and the next person a little farther still,
21:55until we finally end up with scorpions flying through the mail like Christmas Bundt cakes.
22:03What we must all agree to do is to resolve our differences with discussion and reason.
22:12As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the gentleman that I manhandled
22:17and apologize to him for not having worked out our dispute
22:22in the right way in the first place, through words.
22:26The key here is restraint.
22:30And I do hope you'll follow my lead,
22:34Becky with the nail gun.
22:42Thank you, sir.
22:49Oh, people, people, please.
22:51There's no need for that.
22:53I'm no hero.
22:58No one's ever given me the thumbs up.
23:00Well, as I've driven on the freeway with you,
23:02the rest of the hand has been well represented.
23:08Oh, look, there he is.
23:09Mr. Harvey.
23:11I'm so glad you could come.
23:12You remember my brother, Niles, and we're at our table.
23:18Look, I'm here, so say what's on your mind.
23:21Well, there's no need for any hostility.
23:23I just came to talk.
23:25Talk?
23:27You're not going to take another shot at me?
23:29No.
23:30There'll be nothing like that here today.
23:34Well, listen, I could try to explain my behavior by saying that
23:37these are stressful times we live in,
23:39that I had reached the end of my tenure,
23:41but I won't do that because, you see, I was 100% wrong.
23:44I had absolutely no right to touch you,
23:46and I accept full responsibility.
23:50Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
23:52And I hope you all heard that, too.
23:54So then you accept my apology?
23:56No, I'm suing you.
23:58And I've got a lot of witnesses that just heard you admit you were wrong.
24:02But these are stressful times we live in.
24:04I'd reached the end of my tenure.
24:07Tough.
24:08I'm nailing you for assault.
24:11But I hardly touched you!
24:13Oh, Frazier, you're not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers.
24:16What other behavior would you expect from a chicken?
24:23What did you say?
24:25I was speaking to my brother.
24:27But, to put it in language you can understand,
24:31Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
24:33Miles!
24:35This is no time for you to assert yourself.
24:38Your brother's making trouble here.
24:40Oh, what are you going to do?
24:42Flap me with one of your big, fluffy wings?
24:46Miles, stop it!
24:47Please excuse him.
24:49Oh, for God's sake, Frazier, don't waste your breath on this hairy,
24:52knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing,
24:54progmodite who's probably the only male in existence
24:56who suffers from penis envy!
25:01You look here, buddy.
25:06Niles!
25:13Niles, are you alright?
25:18Countersuit.
25:23Oh my God!
25:26Nobody move him!
25:29I barely touched him!
25:31Then you admit you touched him!
25:33He admits it!
25:35Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you.
25:39I promise we're going to get you the best care that this man's money can buy!
25:46My God, Niles, that was brilliant. You even got a tear in your eye.
25:49I landed on a fork.
26:00Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:07Mercy.
26:09And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:12Yeah, maybe. But I got you pranked.
26:18But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:26They're calling again.
26:30Scrambled eggs all over my face.
26:33What is it more to do?
26:38Goodnight!