Frasier Season 8 Episode 4 The Great Crane Robbery
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00:00To close the show today with a truly inspirational tale.
00:05One year ago, a very successful friend of mine was struck by tragedy.
00:13Prognosis? Not good. Hope? Slim. But armed with only fortitude, this friend of mine fought back.
00:27I'm talking, of course, about the reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri.
00:33Just goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for five-star courage.
00:42This is Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health.
00:47So you still don't have a table for opening nine? And it's killing me!
00:50Okay, everyone, it's showtime. The new station owner's on his way down, so look alive!
00:59Watch what you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much, don't say too little.
01:04What the hell's this thermostat set at anyway? Lord, Kenny, calm down! We've done the new
01:10owner drill a million times. What'll it be today, Ross? The glad-handing sycophant,
01:16or our salute to teamwork? Yeah, yeah, very funny. Come on, Kenny. You know how these people come
01:22and go, introduce themselves, shake your hand, tell us they're big fans, and then they're gone.
01:28Nothing ever changes, so you know, don't worry about it. Well, that's easy for you to say.
01:32You've got a contract. Hey, guys. Oh, hello, sir. Ah, Clark Bar. Excellent choice, sir.
01:41You must be the new owner. Hi, I'm Frazier Crane, and this is my producer, Ross Doyle.
01:46Hey, Todd Peterson. Mr. Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon Valley. Thank you.
01:52And he's one of the youngest members of the Fortune 500. Please, you're embarrassing me.
01:58And he's a big fan of your show. Oh, now you're embarrassing me. Go on.
02:04Go on. It's true. I've been listening since college. I love the theme weeks, but I was
02:11really into follow-up Fridays, when you had previous callers call in, let you know how
02:15they're doing. Why'd you stop doing that? Oh, well, it wasn't my idea.
02:21You know, Todd, seeing as how you are such a big fan, perhaps I could bend your ear sometime about
02:27a few ideas I have for the show. Great. I'd love to hear them. Really? Well, how about later today,
02:33perhaps, over cocktails at my place? That would be cool. Ah, cool, indeed. Later. Right. And may I
02:42say, it's a true pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
02:48Right. And may I say, it's truly an honor to be serving under your leadership.
02:54This is a great day for KICL, indeed, for radio itself.
03:01I see you decided to skip glad handing,
03:03seek a fit and go straight for bootlicking kiss ass.
03:06Hmm. Is that too much? Oh, no, it feels great death. A lot of elbow grease there today.
03:16I suppose I'm a bit wound up. Niles is out with Mel. I don't trust that woman. Oh, come on. He's
03:24not with her because he wants to be. He's just going to give her what she wants, so she'll give
03:29He's not with her because he wants to be. He's just going to give her what she wants,
03:34so she'll give him the divorce. He's crazy about you. You know that.
03:39I know. And I'm crazy about him.
03:47Still, Niles has been gone for a long time.
03:50Oh. It's open.
03:57Hello, Niles. Sorry I'm late. Mel picked a restaurant on the other side of town.
04:03I'm getting so tired of that woman's antics. Antics, that's what they are.
04:12This whole charade, making you pretend you're a happy couple is so unfair.
04:17Criminal. She won't even allow you to be seen in public together.
04:24Did you hear that? Give it up, old man. The massage is over.
04:29Daphne, I know it's difficult, but once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want.
04:35Paris, Florence, Rio. How about my room to fold laundry? I hear it's lovely this time of year.
04:47Oh, uh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company coming over, so if you don't mind...
04:54Oh, hot date, huh? Well, actually, Dad, the new station
04:59owner is coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.
05:02Well, it's a woman at least, right? Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Daddy.
05:13Oh, Todd. Come on in.
05:15Hi, Frasier. Whoa, sweet view. Thank you, thank you. That's the Space Needle there,
05:23of course, and Elliott Bay. And actually, on a clear day, you can see Mount Rainier. Epic.
05:32Is that a pizza hut?
05:36Well, we did start a petition. Well, it must have worked. That is a pizza hut.
05:41You've got a great place here, Frasier. Oh, thank you. I like this. What, did your kid
05:47carve it in camp? Actually, that's a fertility god from Central Africa. It's quite rare.
05:58Say, Todd, may I interest you in a sharing? Nah, it'd be wasted on me. I don't know the
06:04first thing about that stuff. Oh, well, in the great scheme of things,
06:08it's not really very important. It kind of is. I mean, ever since my search engine went public,
06:14people have been inviting me to fundraisers and banquets. They expect me to do all sorts of
06:21things about art and music, wine. I don't know, Jack, it's embarrassing.
06:29I'm sure you're exaggerating. No, I spent my whole life in front of a computer.
06:35I don't know Beethoven from... Beethoven's the only one I know.
06:44You know, it's never too late to learn. I'd be glad to give you some pointers.
06:51Really? I'd be delighted. I will play Virgil to your Dante.
07:06In a few weeks, I guarantee you, you will find that delightfully droll.
07:11Say, how about that sherry? Oh, yeah.
07:14All right, then. Which you should know is a fortified wine.
07:21Wow. Frasier, you really know your stuff. These great paintings, cool furniture,
07:29African sex toys. This is how I should be living.
07:39How much you want for the place? Excuse me?
07:44I could use a place in town. Name your price. Oh, no, Todd. My humble home is not for sale.
07:52But, you know, as luck would have it, there happens to be a unit available directly below
07:56mine. This will be great. We'll be neighbors. You can teach me to have as much taste and style as
08:03you, and I can do everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.
08:10I knew one day you'd come.
08:26Miles, mind if I join you? Oh, well, just for a little while. I'm meeting Mel here. Oh,
08:32reminds me. Oh, dear. I am sorry to hear that. Oh, no, actually, this is wonderful news. She
08:39called. She said my days of playing the devoted husband are coming to an end. Frasier, I think
08:45my wife is finally going to dump me. Oh, and they said it would last.
08:52You know, actually, I'm celebrating a bit myself. You see, I have just become a mentor.
08:57Good for you, Frasier, helping the underprivileged. Actually, he's a billionaire.
08:57Ah, the forgotten minority.
09:02You know, actually, I'm celebrating a bit myself. You see, I have just become a mentor.
09:11Good for you, Frasier, helping the underprivileged.
09:16Actually, he's a billionaire.
09:18Oh, the forgotten minority.
09:23It's the new station owner. Oh, for heaven's sake, you're mentoring your boss? Or did you
09:28flatter your way into that job? No, I didn't. The boy practically begged me. I mean,
09:33he got rich overnight. He's hardly had time to shed his fraternity house ways.
09:40Sounds like an enormous project. Well, I am a teacher at heart after all.
09:47You know, last night I took him to the Café du Paradis to practice sending back wine.
09:57Excuse me.
10:02Hello? Ah, Todd. Yes, we were just talking about you. Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no. Never French
10:12cups with a button-down collar. You've been fitted by Javier. Very nice. The long collar, yes.
10:21What sort of stripes? Don't move, I'll be right down there.
10:27Ah, Mel. Frasier, you're looking... And you. We must do this again.
10:32Hello, Niles. Ah, Mel, hello. Well, I, uh, I gather things are coming to an end. Thank you
10:47for being true to your word. And thank you for doing such a good job in phase one. Phase one?
10:55Well, Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now, people will wonder why,
11:01when, you know, we've been so happy. So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm going
11:07to leave you as you're going to drive me away. How? Through a series of staged events in which
11:14you will thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of a complete ass.
11:18For instance, this weekend, we're going to the opera. Ah, I see, I see. So you want me to
11:24hog the opera glasses and remain seated during the ovation, something of that nature. Well,
11:29I suppose I could manage it. No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably, some board member
11:36will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
11:42That is unthinkable. I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
11:48Oh, looks like we're going to be married for a long time.
12:02I'll see you at Schwander de Dudelsack, Feifei.
12:12Oh, what are you two doing here? Todd's apartment's one floor down.
12:27We know, but why walk into his house warming alone when we can go in with his idol?
12:34I'm hardly his idol. I'm a paragon at best. What's that? Oh, it's just a little something
12:40that Todd admired when he was over. I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts. Oh, I'm screwed.
12:49I am so fired. God, why did I give my wife the go-ahead for that above-ground pool?
12:55Better calm down, Kenny. I gave you my last pair of dress shields.
13:00Now remember, Todd has had people working round the clock, transforming his apartment into his
13:06vision of style and taste. No matter how primitive we may think it is,
13:11it's best to be kind. We don't want to stifle his budding creativity.
13:17You also don't want to stifle that fat syndication deal he's putting together for you.
13:22Oh, Ross, you are so cynical. That's why you could never be a mentor.
13:27Hey, guys, come on in.
13:34Oh, hello, now. Say, if memory serves, you went to the opera with Mel last night.
13:58Oh, yes.
13:59So did you cause a public spectacle? I didn't read anything in the society pages.
14:03No, well, it didn't go exactly as I expected. At intermission, I got my drink and waited for
14:09someone to approach Mel, and finally someone did. Founder Circle stalwart Ace Lemieux.
14:16I coiled, panther-like, ready to fling my drink on his shirt front,
14:20when I noticed he was wearing that wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his.
14:29I couldn't raise my hand against such a magnificent garment.
14:34Niles, that tux is a blend, and you know it.
14:39Yes, yes, of course I know it.
14:43Fraser, I just couldn't do it. That kind of loutish behavior, it's just not in my nature.
14:49Of course, Niles, it goes without saying. Just remember for whom you're doing all this.
14:56Believe me, Daphne is the only thing that is keeping me going through all of this.
15:02Tonight, I'm supposed to meet Mel for dinner at Chez Henri and make an ass of myself in front
15:08of her society friends. Oh, Lord. Chez Henri. Their menu is just the culinary minefield to test
15:17Todd's mettle. Oh, oh, your young protégé, how's that coming along? Actually, things have taken a
15:26bit of an odd turn. You see, yesterday I went to his housewarming party, and as it turns out,
15:33to my surprise, he has duplicated my apartment exactly. Exactly.
15:43The only thing missing is an old man and a little dog.
15:49I was beside myself. Well, of course you were. I assume you read him the riot act. Well,
15:55he is my boss. He has big plans for my show. Do I really want to jeopardize that?
16:04There's Todd now. Todd, over here. I'd like you to meet my brother, Niles Crane. Niles,
16:10this is Todd Peterson. Oh, and may I say, what a lovely outfit.
16:17Hope you got the volume discount.
16:20Todd. Guess who's officially hooked on classics? Oh, well, good for you. Good for you. Now,
16:29Todd, I'd like to talk to you about your apartment. You don't like it? No, no, I do like it. I've
16:35liked it for eight years. So what's the problem? Well, I was hoping that my influence would help
16:42you to find your own style, not that you would simply duplicate mine.
16:53What am I doing? I'm in way over my head here. Let's admit it, with all this culture stuff,
17:00I should just stick to what I know. Computers. I'm a computer guy. No, Todd, you know, perhaps we
17:05just took on a bit too much too soon. I need to move back to San Jose. I'm not going to be
17:10soon. I need to move back to San Jose, sell the apartment, sell the radio station at the wheel,
17:17Todd. Now, listen, all we're really talking about is a couple of couches and some coffee tables.
17:26But you said we shouldn't have the same apartments. And we shouldn't.
17:30But perhaps I'm being too hasty about which of us should be doing the changing.
17:42Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions. Decor is, after all, a fluid art.
17:50Should I be writing this down? No, Todd. No. Listen, Todd, I want you to keep the apartment
17:58the way it is. After all, it's a look that has served me well, but it's time that I move on.
18:07Thank you, Frasier. No, thank you, Todd. Hey, you want to come see my new car?
18:14I have a feeling you're going to like it. I have a feeling I will.
18:19Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentleman all night. Now cut it out and do
18:31something offensive. No, at which table you've been sitting, did you not just see me unapologetically
18:39take the last roll? I need more than that and you know it. Now, my friends are giving you plenty
18:46to work with. Andrew has been drinking like a fish and Margaret is wearing that revolting dress
18:53again. Oh, I'm glad you're on my side. I can do this. Sorry, everyone.
19:04Oh, you newlyweds just can't be apart for one second.
19:09Oh, the bill. Oh, but we're not finished. We still have wine. Would anyone like a refill?
19:17I'm a little dry. Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking.
19:30Niles, we just discussed you were not going to bring that up.
19:35Well, I did so there. And I'll say it again.
19:41You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice.
19:47You, sir, are a complete drunk.
19:51Niles, how could you? How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well.
20:07I have a problem. It's time I face it. I've been meaning to say something, but
20:14I didn't have the courage. Not like Niles. You're a good person.
20:23I'm getting help first thing tomorrow. I'm so sorry, baby.
20:30Thank you for giving me my husband back.
20:33Mel, darling, you married an angel. Don't I know it?
20:52Oh, Dad, what do you think of the new look?
20:55Oh, nice stuff. You really tied the flow to the motif.
21:05Thanks for trying. Oh, should we give her a test run? Yeah. A little music?
21:56So
22:19Dad? Looks great, son.
22:25there's nothing here I know I give up I've tried a million combinations I even
22:37had early Byzantine mingling with mid-century Danish will I ever get
22:44along the only furniture that looks good in my apartment is my own well I could
22:52have told you that three love seats ago so what are you waiting for go bring it
22:56back well I'm glad I went to three different stools to find your organic
23:06furniture polish chin up you can always use it to polish the floors oh yes when
23:12God closes a door he opens a window
23:18you know what dad even if I do get my furniture back it doesn't solve anything
23:22there's still someone downstairs with my apartment that's not your apartment this
23:29is your apartment and if every stooge in the building rips you off it doesn't
23:34take anything away from you because you were the original I did after all create
23:50that look and that should be gratification enough good for you I mean
23:56besides you know Todd's hardly ever here he doesn't have very many friends you
24:02in fact the only person that is ever gonna see that apartment is probably the
24:05pizza delivery boy I just need to know the name of the chick who made our couch
24:16oh right it's a reproduction of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier but
24:24why the writer from architectural digest wants to know architectural digest
24:30huge cover story on my apartment I have you to thank for it buddy I gotta go the
24:39photographers waiting later
25:01I need to sit down
25:18hey baby I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs oh my
25:27and maybe I seem a bit confused well maybe but I got you pegged but I don't
25:37know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs they're calling again