Frasier Season 7 Episode 14 Big Crane On Campus
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00:00Frazier, thank God you're here.
00:03What's wrong?
00:04My book club meets tonight and I haven't read the book.
00:07Oh my, that is a literary 9-1-1.
00:12Wait, you joined a book club?
00:15Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read.
00:19What's his name?
00:20Jason.
00:23We met at a bookstore and he asked me to join his club.
00:26He's separated, but I think it's for keeps. He was buying divorce for dummies.
00:32Sounds like a real cash run.
00:35Anyway, I was supposed to read The Great Gatsby last night, but I couldn't get Alice to sleep.
00:40So, could you give me a quick summary?
00:42Well, alright.
00:45It was a time known as the Jazz Age.
00:51Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing,
00:56and the young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston.
01:01Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep?
01:04Could you just get to it already?
01:06Well, alright, fine.
01:09Lorna Lindley.
01:11Okay, who's she? Gatsby's girlfriend?
01:13The woman who just walked in.
01:16She was the great beauty of my high school.
01:19She had brains, looks, style,
01:22and the way she filled out a mohair sweater, well, suffice it to say,
01:26it was snugger on her than on the goat.
01:32Why didn't you go over and say hello?
01:34Oh, God, Ross, she wouldn't even remember me.
01:36She was with the in-crowd.
01:38The only people who knew me, debated, recited, or on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi.
01:44Oh, God, she's coming over, she's coming over, she's coming over!
01:50Excuse me, didn't we go to high school together?
01:54Did we?
01:56Yes, I thought you looked familiar. You're Frasier, aren't you?
02:00Well, that's right.
02:02Alright, let me guess, um, Lisa?
02:07Lorna.
02:09Oh, yes, of course, Lorna, hello.
02:12Uh, Ross, I'd like you to meet Lorna Ann Lendley.
02:17Is that anywhere close?
02:20No, very good.
02:22Although it's a gardener now, but I'm going back to Lendley, I was just recently divorced.
02:26Oh, gosh, I'm sorry to hear that.
02:28Uh, Ross, our chatting isn't, uh, bothering your reading, is it?
02:33Oh, no, actually, uh, oh, right.
02:36Off I go.
02:39So, uh, I'm, I'm divorced myself.
02:42Yes, I know that. I listen to your show.
02:45Really?
02:46Well, I sell real estate, so I'm in my car all the time, so whenever I can, I turn you on.
02:53Oh, my.
02:57Oh, that's me. Excuse me, I have to get that.
02:59No problemo.
03:07Ross, she's just as lovely as ever.
03:11So? You gonna ask her out?
03:14Oh, right. Legs Lendley and crane the brain in my dreams.
03:19I'm pretty sure you act like you're still some gawky teenager. You're a charming, successful man.
03:26Thank you, Ross.
03:28No problemo.
03:31Excuse me. I have to go show a house, Frazier. It was really nice to see you again.
03:36Oh, likewise. Uh, Lorna, listen, I, I realize that, uh, this is out of the blue and that you are very busy,
03:44but, uh, I was wondering if you might like to, uh...
03:49Yes?
03:51Appraise my apartment.
03:55See, I've decided to sell it.
03:58Sure, I'd be happy to. In fact, I'm free tonight.
04:02Really? Uh, well, how's seven o'clock? Um, I live at the Elliott Bay Towers.
04:07Oh, wow, what a great building.
04:09Yes, well...
04:10Certainly done well for yourself.
04:12Yes, well, I think you'll find that we've both come a long way since high school.
04:16Oh, here, let me, let me carry those for you.
04:29Dad, should be here any minute.
04:31Okay, okay, I'm leaving.
04:34Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this. It's just...
04:37Oh, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties.
04:44Oh, I am kind of sorry I missed an evening with Moe Howard.
04:49That was Noel Coward.
04:55Oh, hey.
04:56Hey, Dad.
04:57Oh, Niles, what are you doing here?
04:59Well, I've got a crisis. Uh, tomorrow's Mel's birthday, and I'm planning a very romantic evening, but my Gaggenau is on the fritz.
05:06Oh, jeez, I don't need to hear this.
05:07Dad.
05:10It's a stove.
05:11I know. Six bird isn't a griddle. Don't you guys ever talk about cars?
05:19Fraser, I'm desperate. Can I possibly use your kitchen tomorrow to prepare the meal?
05:23Yes, of course, Niles, but listen, now you've got to go. I have a date.
05:28Who?
05:30Anyone I know.
05:31As a matter of fact, yes. Lorna Lendley.
05:36No, really, who?
05:40It's true. I bumped into her today at the cafe.
05:43Lorna Lendley? You, sir, have moxie.
05:49Even with all my vested authority as home monitor, I could never muster the courage to ask to see her bathroom pass, and you asked her out?
05:57Whoa.
05:58I bowed down before you. I doffed my cap to you.
06:02Well, actually, it's not really a date.
06:05I knew it.
06:08You see, she's coming over to appraise the apartment. She's in real estate, and I tried to ask her out, and I choked.
06:16I have the impression that she was interested in me, though.
06:19Of course she is.
06:20Oh, and the coach called. You're starting the big game on Sunday.
06:26This is very funny, Niles. All right, off you go.
06:28No, I want to see Lorna.
06:29No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:30Come on.
06:31No, you have to go. You can't spoil it for me, please.
06:34She's here.
06:35All right, okay, okay, okay.
06:38You get one quick hello, and then you're gone, mister.
06:45Hello, Frasier.
06:46Lorna, good to see you again.
06:48Perhaps you remember my brother, Niles.
06:50Yes, hello, Niles.
06:58Well, now that you two have had a chance to catch up, I'll see you later, Niles.
07:01Nice to see you again, Niles.
07:10Oh, Frasier, wow, what a great apartment.
07:15Why are you selling it?
07:17Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details. It's a very long, very complicated story.
07:23Oh, I'd love to hear it.
07:25Uh, well, I need more closet space.
07:34Could I interest you in some wine?
07:36Oh, I would love some.
07:43Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party?
07:46Remember when we broke into his father's liquor cabinet and we made sangria out of a $100 bottle of wine?
07:54No.
07:57You know what? I should make some notes on your apartment.
08:04What are you doing?
08:06Tell her why you really asked her over and drop this ridiculous charade.
08:09You're not 16 years old any longer.
08:12Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom.
08:16Of course.
08:20Lorna Landley wants to see my bedroom.
08:28Oh, Frasier, wow, another great room.
08:34Is this bed Scandinavian?
08:37You have a good eye.
08:40Lorna Landley's on my bed.
08:43Stop acting like an adolescent.
08:46Frasier, are you all right?
08:51No.
08:53No, actually, Lorna, I'm not all right.
08:58You see, when I saw you this afternoon, I immediately flashed back to the hopeless crush I had on you in high school.
09:07I suppose it didn't help, Matt, as much that you've hardly changed a bit.
09:13And I wanted to ask you out and I lost my nerve.
09:20You mean all of this was just a ruse to get me up here?
09:24I'm afraid so.
09:26So now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself, I'll show you up.
09:36Frasier, I have to say, I'm really very flattered.
09:41Really?
09:42Yes.
09:45You know, it's not too late to ask me out.
09:49Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?
09:52I'd love to.
09:54Wonderful.
09:59I'm going out with Lorna Landley!
10:23Hi.
10:25Hi.
10:29I had a wonderful time last night.
10:32Me too.
10:34It was like being back in high school, but with sex.
10:43I don't want this to end.
10:46I must warn you, now that I've learned to finally ask you out, I'll be doing a lot more of it.
10:52Are you free this evening?
10:54You see, there I go already.
10:56How about tomorrow night?
10:59Somebody stop me.
11:01Not me.
11:10I wonder what time it is.
11:19Ten o'clock.
11:20Crap, I'm late!
11:24Is there something I can do?
11:26Oh, yeah.
11:27Make this lousy hangover go away.
11:29Tell her those aspirin.
11:34You know, perhaps I should get you a glass of water for those.
11:38Would you prefer sparkling or still?
11:41Or not.
11:42I see you're fine.
11:44Oh, I'm sorry.
11:45Did you want to finish this?
11:46No, no, you're the guest.
11:55Yeah, it's me.
11:56I'm running late.
11:57Move my 10.30 to 11.30.
11:59Just move it to 11.30!
12:06I didn't realize you smoked.
12:08Oh, I'm always trying to quit, but my weight just balloons up.
12:12Trust me, you don't want to see my ass when I'm off these things.
12:22You know, I hate to be a fuss pot, but I prefer...
12:29Yeah.
12:31Well, who let the dog in?
12:34Put your brother on.
12:35Put your brother on!
12:37Put your brother on!
12:41Oh, will you be a sweetie and make me some coffee?
12:44Okay.
12:47You know, that mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home.
12:51Both of you.
12:53Put your brother on.
12:55Put your brother on!
12:57Put your brother on the phone!
13:04This is nice.
13:15I still don't understand why you have to do all the cooking.
13:18Why don't you just take Mel out for a nice meal?
13:20Oh, well, because through cooking I can truly express my feelings for her.
13:26You know, the French have a saying...
13:28Okay, okay, I was just making conversations when we got home.
13:32Oh, hi, Daphne.
13:34Frazier.
13:35Niles.
13:36I could really use some help preparing this dish today if you're not busy.
13:39Oh, gosh, Niles, I've got a lot of errands to run.
13:42You know, why don't you ask Daphne?
13:44Uh, all right.
13:46Oh, oh, oh, how'd things go with Lorna?
13:49Did you summon up the courage to ask her out?
13:52Well, actually...
13:53Oh, come on, Frazier, seize the moment.
13:56Faintheart never won fair lady, you know.
13:59The French have a saying.
14:00Morning, Niles.
14:01Hey.
14:16Watch me act.
14:18I have some really great news.
14:21Really?
14:22Do tell.
14:25Well, I called my office.
14:28And after my 11.30...
14:32I'm free for the rest of the day.
14:34Oh, well, what are you planning on doing?
14:37Being with you, silly.
14:40Excuse me.
14:42I'm coming!
14:46You know, you are the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
14:55Oh.
15:02I'm in. You happy?
15:05Oh.
15:22Whisk.
15:28Spoon.
15:31Cheesecloth.
15:41Perfect timing.
15:43Daphne, open the oven.
15:56Ready.
15:57Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
15:59Please.
16:04Do you think it'll be all right?
16:06It's out of our hands now, Daphne.
16:13Thank you for your help.
16:14Oh, my pleasure.
16:16I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.
16:23Oh, the real fun's just beginning. Clean up.
16:26Oh, oh, you silly sod.
16:28Here, run it under some cold water.
16:30I'll fetch the aloe cream.
16:36Come here.
16:40Oh, this'll help.
16:42I can't believe I just did that.
16:43Oh, I do that sort of thing all the time.
16:46You have to be careful.
16:48Those panhandles get awfully hot.
16:50Oh, well, not anymore. It's got a protective coating of skin on it.
16:57Just give it a minute to absorb.
16:59Oh, it'll be fine.
17:04I'm feeling better already.
17:09Thanks, Daphne.
17:11Hey, what's up?
17:12Nothing.
17:13Why should anything be up?
17:15Dr. Crane burnt his hand and I was tending to it, that's all.
17:20Oh, my.
17:21Look at the time.
17:22I've got to run.
17:27It burned, huh?
17:29Well, you might want to keep something cold on that.
17:33Here, you can hold my beer for me while I watch the game.
17:42Hello, Frazier.
17:44Hello, Niles.
17:45How are you?
17:46Fine, fine.
17:49Although, the oddest thing just happened.
17:52Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete.
17:55If you give him a dollar, his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
18:05You know, this is about Daphne.
18:08I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it in a very tender way.
18:16And then Dad came in and she jumped, as if she felt guilty.
18:22Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
18:25No.
18:31Ah, well, as long as you've considered it from all angles.
18:36If she was tender, it's because you burnt your hand.
18:38If she jumped, it's because Dad startled her.
18:40Come on, Niles.
18:41Don't you see what's really going on here?
18:43Well, obviously, I haven't a clue.
18:45I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.
18:52Your relationship with Mal is growing deeper.
18:55Isn't it possible that your fear of commitment is driving your mind to throw up these imaginary roadblocks?
19:02You think so?
19:04Well, you do have a history of this.
19:06Remember the day after you proposed to Maris?
19:09You went that evening to the opera.
19:11You were convinced that Leontyne Price was winking at you the whole night.
19:15There could be commitment issues here.
19:17Cooking a meal for one's maid is a big first step.
19:20Yes, especially for you.
19:22I mean, Maris never let you cook for her.
19:24Oh, that's true.
19:25Closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.
19:31Hey, guys.
19:32Oh, hey, Roz.
19:33Oh, uh, Frazier.
19:37It's a big help.
19:38My pleasure, Niles.
19:39Bye.
19:41Oh, Roz.
19:42Bye.
19:44Oh, Roz.
19:45I see the book club has moved on to Wuthering Heights.
19:48Yes.
19:49Oh, please tell me they made a movie out of this.
19:52Twice.
19:53Amen.
19:56So how did your date with Lorna go?
19:59Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?
20:02To dinner and breakfast.
20:04We spent the night together.
20:06Whoa.
20:07You went to bed with the prom queen?
20:10Yes, and I woke up with Carrie.
20:19She smokes.
20:20She screams.
20:21She's uncouth.
20:22I'm actually meeting her here to break it off.
20:24So soon?
20:25Well...
20:26The way your love life's been going,
20:28you may want to squeeze a couple more dates out of it.
20:31You know?
20:33Nuts for the winter?
20:36Please, Roz, I could never do that sort of thing.
20:38Whenever I know that I have no future with a woman,
20:40I end it.
20:41Right then and there.
20:43Especially a woman like Lorna.
20:45Recently divorced and vulnerable.
20:48You always take the high road.
20:50Well, you know, I'd like to think so.
20:52If there's one thing I've learned,
20:55my old high school wounds are not going to be healed
20:58by sleeping with the prom queen.
21:00Tell me about it.
21:02Prom queen, assistant principal,
21:05you can't go home again.
21:11Good luck.
21:13How you doing, baby cakes?
21:24Listen, uh, Lorna, about tomorrow night, um...
21:28Oh, I'm sorry.
21:29I know we had plans, but I completely forgot.
21:31It's the retirement dinner for Coach Pellett.
21:34Who?
21:35Our high school football coach.
21:37I'd love it if you'd go with me.
21:39Well, I have to be honest with you here.
21:42Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
21:44The old gang will be there.
21:47The old gang, you say?
21:49You mean like, um,
21:51Chip Clayton and Ladd Lundquist?
21:54You mean like, um,
21:56Chip Clayton and Ladd Lundquist?
21:58Yeah, the whole crowd.
22:00Can you imagine the looks on their faces
22:02when they see us walk in together?
22:05Yes, imagine.
22:09Oh, come on, say you'll be my date.
22:13Well...
22:15Wouldn't want to let down the coach.
22:21You're a spoon, it'd be nice.
22:25Oh, wow.
22:29Oh, everyone's inside already.
22:31I think we're a little late.
22:32I guess we'll just have to make a grand entrance after you.
22:35Oh, no, I have to go check my makeup.
22:37Well, uh, why tamper with perfection?
22:40Oh, weren't you sweet?
22:43Shall we?
22:51Hello?
22:53What now?
22:55What?
22:56What?
22:57My phone's cutting out.
22:58I'm sorry, just two seconds, sweetie.
23:11No, you can't have a party!
23:14Because I said so!
23:16Put your brother on.
23:18Put your brother on.
23:19Put your...
23:20Just a second.
23:21Put your brother on the phone!
23:25You know, do what you want.
23:26I'm on a date.
23:31You ready?
23:33Oh, you know what?
23:34This hook keeps coming undone.
23:36Right.
23:38You know, I just took a look inside there.
23:40Everybody's here.
23:42Even old Mr. Most Likely to Succeed Chip Clayton.
23:47Chip Clayton's a moron.
23:50Well, you used to be rather fond of him back in school.
23:54Well, everybody's changed since high school.
23:58Except you.
24:01Truly, you're...
24:03You're still the same sweet, decent guy you always were.
24:10No, I mean it.
24:12Believe me, I've been with enough jerks and users to know the difference.
24:16Let's go.
24:18Uh, Lauren, uh...
24:22I can't go in there with you.
24:24Why not?
24:26Well, because I came here for the wrong reason.
24:29So all the cool kids would see me with the school's most popular girl, and...
24:36I let you believe that we had hopes for some sort of a future where I know in my heart that there is none, and...
24:44Well, if you walked in there with me, it would be as my trophy, and I just can't do that to you.
24:49I'm so sorry.
24:55You...
24:57You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates by myself?
25:02Like some pathetic divorcee who couldn't scare up a date for some old jock send-off?
25:06I don't think so!
25:07Lauren, I...
25:08You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again.
25:11You don't want that? That's fine.
25:13Wait a minute, Lauren.
25:14But I'll tell you what we are gonna do.
25:15You're gonna take my arm, you're gonna escort me in that room, we're gonna dance, make out like freshmen, and leave with your hand on my ass!
25:22You got it?
25:29Shall we?
25:32Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:39Mercy.
25:41And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:44Well, maybe.
25:45But I got you pegged.
25:47Ha, ha, ha, ha.
25:50But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:57But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:04They're calling again.
26:07Frasier has left the building.