Frasier Season 4 Episode 14 To Kill A Talking Bird
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00:00Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
00:05Where?
00:06Oh, hand me my real upholstery kit, would ya?
00:10Thanks.
00:13Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.
00:17I don't feel smart.
00:19That Ross set me up on another one of her blind dates.
00:22Who's the lucky woman?
00:23A friend from her aerobics class.
00:26Well, perhaps it won't be too bad. She's 32, has a terrific body,
00:30and apparently thinks I'm God's gift of broadcasting.
00:33Well, at least you have one thing in common.
00:39Yeah, when are you gonna stop blighting the environment with this atrocity?
00:42My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
00:48You know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words,
00:52only I'm in the hospital, and you slip in the nurse at 20.
00:58Sir, that will never happen.
01:00Thank you.
01:01I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
01:06Oh, hello, Frazier.
01:08We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap,
01:11and we thought we'd stop by.
01:15Of course, the pedicure was for...
01:17Stop right there. There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
01:23I have some wonderful news.
01:25I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
01:31You don't mean...
01:32I do. As of next week, I will be a resident of...
01:35The Montana.
01:38Why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building?
01:41You know, when I applied there, they treated me like I was riff-raff.
01:44Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?
01:47What do you need me for?
01:51The best part is I'll never have to give my address again.
01:53From now on, I'll simply be Dr. Niles Crane...
01:56The Montana.
01:59That's a lovely building.
02:01I've only been there once.
02:02Applying for a job.
02:04I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
02:07Well, I hope you're right. I haven't heard yet.
02:10Well, good night.
02:13She...
02:16Hey, where is she? You don't think...
02:17Just relax, Dad.
02:19It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
02:22But what if she isn't?
02:24Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference.
02:26Either way, she's not going anywhere.
02:30Gosh, that's uncanny, Dad.
02:32What is?
02:33The way she's taken with you. Look at that.
02:36She's absolutely mesmerized.
02:42She is not.
02:43Oh, she is. She's just playing hard to get.
02:47Go to Grandpa. Go to Grandpa.
02:49Oh, I know Grandpa.
02:52Isn't she warm and cuddly?
02:54Boy, I can see I'm going to have a tough time tearing the two of you apart.
02:58You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here.
03:00Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
03:02On the contrary, they welcome them.
03:04Just not cats or dogs.
03:06Well, then you're in luck, because I don't know what the hell this thing is.
03:12There's no way that dog is moving in here with us.
03:14Oh, please, please. At least if she's here, I'll be able to visit her.
03:17I cannot turn her over to strangers.
03:19She worships me.
03:20Oh, please.
03:22You must realize that that dog has no genuine affection for you.
03:25Only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris.
03:30That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
03:34She is high-strung, cold to the touch, and ignores you.
03:37My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit.
03:41What do you got?
03:46I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
03:48Oh, is it really?
03:49All right, here.
03:50Do you remember the little pillbox hat that Maris wore to the ball?
03:53Yes, I do.
03:56Good morning.
03:57Hey, Frazier.
03:59So, how did it go with Rita last night?
04:02She didn't quite take to me.
04:04Oh, you're just being hard on her.
04:06I'm not.
04:07I'm not.
04:08I'm not.
04:09I'm not.
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08:45She's still in transition from her last owner.
08:53Let go of my shoulder.
08:55Let go of my shoulder.
08:59Don't like that noise, do you, baby?
09:01Go to your food.
09:03Oh, good girl.
09:10Excuse me.
09:11Fascinated by these birds that can actually learn how to talk. Oh, they can't talk
09:15They just drill a few words into them at the pet shop, and then they never learn anything else after that
09:21Well, it is attractive though. Yeah, well, that's the way they are cute, but stupid
09:25You but stupid
09:30No, damn, perhaps we should just leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up
09:38Thanks so much
09:42Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building one of my neighbors got my mail by mistake look at those bills
09:49What must she think of me? Oh, no, everybody gets bills not at the Montana. They all have people
09:57Their bills go to their people I
09:59Want them to think I have people too. I
10:02Used to have people only there were Maris's people. No
10:06Keep this up. You won't even have the people who don't care. You don't have people
10:12It just proves how essential it is to make a good first impression when you move into a new building
10:16Which is why I'm throwing a dinner party Friday night for a few select residents. I'll show them such a good time
10:23There'll be no question. I belong here, and I'm invited
10:25Yes, you are, but I'm afraid you can't bring a date. You know how I hate a crowded table
10:30It's quite all right taking myself off the dating circuit
10:34Wait, I was getting a bit desperate
10:36well, I
10:37Was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin
10:46Hey Niles, you got to see this your birds eating peanut butter. It's even funnier than my daddy does it
10:55Frazier would you get that and pretend you're my people?
10:59Oh
11:03I'm sorry. I was looking for dr. Crane. I found some more of his mail. Oh, well, I'm a dr. Crane. I'm Niles brother. Oh
11:10my gosh
11:13You're dr. Fraser Crane from the radio, aren't you? Oh, I love your show. Thank you
11:21Perfectly
11:23Stephanie Garrett Stephanie, you know
11:27You are not gonna believe this, but when I was a freshman at Harvard
11:32I saw you perform the pirate king in their production of the Pirates of Penzance
11:38No, no, you were great
11:40I mean you were so good that I brought my husband back to see you the next night
11:45Well, I mean he wasn't my husband then
11:48Well, actually, he's not my husband now
12:09Well, it was nice to meet you
12:13Right
12:14Wait, uh, you know Niles is
12:18Having a dinner party on Friday. Some of his enchanting new neighbors. Uh
12:22Just the chance you could join us
12:25Yes, I think I could if Niles has room. Oh the more the merrier
12:32See you then I look forward to as will I
12:35I
12:42Stopped looking for the perfect woman. She lands right in my lap. Well, I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement because that's well
12:48She'll be seated Friday night
12:58Bon appétit bon appétit
13:01Now you try it baby. Bon appétit
13:06What a quick little study you are bird-brained indeed you already know more French than my father
13:17Boy you don't get used to that doorbell. We're going to have to give you a serious manicure
13:21Oh
13:31Good evening. I'll hello. What should I say a vast G meeting? I
13:40Don't have time for your bad knowledge. I'm only just sitting out my place cards nice cards
13:45Well, how elegant and who is Peter student there? He is on your right
13:50He's an investment banker from Amsterdam currently handles a lot of Bill Gates money
13:54So don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft
13:58Damn, there goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows 95
14:06Stephanie's over here. I'm not sitting next to her. I know you see Peter's bringing a date. So I thought would be better if you
14:12What are you doing?
14:14Stephanie next to me and throwing off my whole seating arrangement. I surely realize that I've spent a long time looking for a woman like Stephanie
14:22Now listen, if you really want to impress these people, I'm afraid you've got to get a little more atmosphere in the room
14:27You know, I'll light a fire. Why don't you dim the lights a bit? It's a good idea
14:32By the way, be careful with that fireplace. It can be
14:44Oh
14:47Holding on a bit tight there, baby, aren't you?
14:51Go to your perch go to your perch
14:54Thank you, this birds holding on to my scalp I
14:58Can't pull it off. Well, all of that jaunty beret water brunch last Sunday. You can pull anything
15:14I know get the lighter the fire frightened it on to my head fire. Oh frighten it off. Let's try that
15:27Oh, oh here the phone Oh
15:37And whom do you suggest we call a Fez rental
15:41I
15:42Come on, baby. Go to your perch go to your food
15:46Miles don't panic stay calm. How can I stay calm? I have six dinner guests arriving exactly
15:56You go call the vet I will take care of things out here
15:59Oh
16:05Hello
16:07Please come in
16:09I'm not early. Am I?
16:12No, no
16:15May I may I get you a drink? Yes. Oh white wine, please. Oh
16:21Lovely table. Yes. Yes. I noticed that we happen to be sitting next to one another
16:27good
16:28And I won't have to change the place cards around
16:33Well
16:34To the girl next door. Well, actually it's a little further down the hall. Well, you need a ride home tonight. Don't hesitate to ask
16:52Well, I'm afraid miles probably burned himself something don't worry he'll he'll be fine
16:59Hello, oh, please do come in. I'm a Frazier crane. I was brother. I'm Carol Larkin my husband Alfred
17:07Well, uh pleasure. Well, uh
17:10See you welcome. Please. I'll make yourselves comfortable. I'm just going to run into the kitchen and
17:17Check on the bird
17:22Aha, so you've seen this sort of thing before I see
17:26All right. Well, thank you
17:28What did he say? Well, he thinks she was traumatized by the fire and went into a kind of shock
17:34He said we shouldn't try to force her off. We need to relax her fine. You take care of that
17:39I've got the future mrs. Crane out there in the other room. Well, wait, wait, how am I supposed to relax this bird?
17:43I don't know. Oh try delivering that keynote speech. You gave at the Psychiatric Association last spring
17:50Everything all right. Yeah, we'll dr. Craig be joining us soon. Oh, yes, I believe so any minute now
17:59There's something wrong
18:02Telling him get yourself a decent oven mitts, but
18:09Hello, please come in. I'm afraid
18:13Peter Sudden death Peter
18:16This is Elaine Hensley thing
18:18Actually, your brother and I are well acquainted
18:21Maris is a dear dear friend of mine. Really? Yes
18:26This is so where is that? Oh, actually he's in the kitchen preparing dinner
18:32He's favoring us tonight with a lovely pheasant
18:39As you know, he's a stickler for freshness
18:47Or what now
18:49I'm trying to pretend like it's night so it will fall asleep
18:59Well, you look very cute
19:04This is nice I really can't stall them much longer they're starting to ask questions the Dutchman's date even knows Maris
19:10What who do you bring?
19:12In a lane somebody will reach a lane Maris knows three legs. I don't know. She's very thin
19:19Exquisitely dressed dripping with attitude. Oh like that narrows it down
19:31I was afraid of that. It's the bad Elaine
19:36Maris's oldest friend
19:37Nothing would delight her more than report back to Maris that I threw a soiree with a cockatoo on my head
19:42Oh
19:46What was that
19:58At which point the woman said to Churchill sir
20:02If you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee to which Churchill softly replied
20:08Better if you're my wife, I would drink it
20:15After you've heard that story yes from Churchill
20:27Well, can I impression anyone's drink
20:33Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around
20:38I didn't realize that you were gonna have to play host all night
20:42I mean, we've hardly had a chance to talk and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to make it an early night. Oh, no, really
20:48yes, I'm leaving for Paris first thing in the morning and I I
20:52Was really hoping that we could spend some time alone
20:58And so we shall as at this moment, it's just the two of us. I'm completely at your disposal just after this
21:08Actually, I just thought I'd see what Niles is up to in there perhaps I could be of some help
21:12We don't you know, you could pour the wine
21:17Doing now, you know, you're ruining all my chances with Stephanie. Yes. That was my first concern to toss
21:27You can't abandon me just because you're hoping Stephanie's as horny as you are you've got to help
21:32Just the first thing you do is get to the vet and have that thing removed. Are you mad?
21:36I can't walk through there and sing on my head. I'd be the laughingstock of the month
21:40You can't spend the entire night in the kitchen
21:43Major these people live for gossip. I've only been here three days already
21:47I know that Peters a letch and Carol's a lush. What do you think? They're going to say about me?
21:51You know what? I've spent the last 45 minutes with these people
21:54They happen to be very kind understanding and I think they'll probably be very sympathetic toward your problem
21:59Really? Yes
22:01You don't think they'd laugh at me. No, I don't
22:04But more importantly if you stay in here, they will think you are rude ill-mannered very said a bad host
22:11Very well, I'll go out there but if they ridicule me let it be on your head
22:21Everyone
22:22Excuse me
22:24There's been a little mishap
22:26Niles is going to have to go to the doctor. It's nothing serious. He just has to have something
22:32Removed
22:39You see his bird
22:42Suffered a kind of trauma and has attached itself to the scalp and we were just thinking that we'd hate to cancel dinner
22:49But greater and greater. This isn't necessary. Let's just go good evening everyone. I am terribly sorry for all of this
22:55Oh Niles, you mean all this time you were hiding in there because of your bird
23:00Oh you poor thing, you know the same thing happened to my mother once only with her cat
23:07Now that was a sigh
23:12Embarrassing moment at a party
23:20This is such a relief, right I must say I feel a little silly for staying in there so long
23:26Are you in any pain?
23:28No, no as long as no one rings the doorbell, I'm fine
23:34Well, you know you seem to be relaxing a bit maybe the bird will relax I don't know
23:39Should we give this another minute or two everyone?
23:43All right, then who needs more wine
23:48Alfred wine for you and anyone like cheese or a cracker
23:56No, no, baby, yes first Oh
24:02Carol that dress is absolutely smashing. Thank you
24:11The bird just say something it sounded like it said Carol's a lush
24:19Where would a bird learn a phrase like that birds today?
24:26I
24:28Just don't know where they pick these things up. Well, shall we all join Peter at the table?
24:38What did you say I said, let's all sit down
24:43Is this your idea of a joke I've had quite enough of this come along Carol now, please people don't go look
24:51I did not teach the bird these phrases. I don't know where it picked them up. You you you'll stay won't you Stephanie?
24:57Stephanie's horny
25:04Is that what you've been saying about me behind my back don't know I never said that about you I said about me
25:10I'm the horny one
25:12You're very cute
25:21Thank you both for a wonderful
25:25Good night, Stephanie, please. Let me explain. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are going to be neighbors
25:41Thank you very much, oh
25:44please
25:46I've lost far more than you did. Oh, really? I've lost the most promising romantic prospect. I've had in years
25:52What have you lost the respect of a posh lush and a Dutch let's try repeating that, baby
26:01All right, I
26:05Apologize
26:09Thanks
26:11First I can
26:13Drive to the vet now
26:15Maybe we should take the service elevator. Oh, what's the point?
26:18I don't think my reputation can suffer any more than it already has wouldn't be so sure about that
26:23Wearing a white bird after Labor Day
26:32Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:38Mercy and maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe but I got you big
26:49But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:56They're calling again