Benidorm S06 E03 - Episode #6.3

  • last month
Transcript
00:00🎵
00:27Ah, good morning, sunshine. Another day in paradise.
00:35Oh, I think we've missed breakfast, but it was certainly worth it.
00:41Oh.
00:44Ah, it's gay Derek.
00:46Oh, lovely.
00:48Hi, Donald and Jacqueline. Have you heard the news about Big Donna?
00:52Is she all right?
00:54No. No, she most certainly is not all right.
00:58Oh, what's wrong?
01:00Jacqueline, I think you may be in need of a stiff one
01:03before I tell you what's happened.
01:06Where are you going?
01:08You said... Oh, sorry.
01:11You meant to drink.
01:13I'll get them in. You go and get the sunbeds.
01:17No, I'm not apologising to no-one.
01:19It wasn't Clive's fault our Michael got a tattoo. He wasn't there.
01:22Then why was he so defensive?
01:24You punched him in the face.
01:26I didn't punch him in the face. He pushed me and I pushed him back.
01:29It amounts to the same thing.
01:31All right, well, if I do that to you,
01:33is that the same as punching you in the face?
01:35Did you just push me?
01:37No, I was just showing you.
01:39Did you just push me?
01:41All right, Jan, calm down.
01:43Excuse me, do you need any assistance?
01:45What, defending myself against him? You must be joking.
01:48It's Mr Gravy, isn't it?
01:50Garvey.
01:51I feel it's only fair to inform you
01:53that your behaviour last night did not go unnoticed.
01:55What? In fact, far from it.
01:57Under the new Solana Group directive,
01:59we are now required to log all activities of known troublemakers.
02:04Known troublemakers? You're taking the piss, aren't you?
02:07Ten.
02:09Known troublemakers? You're taking the piss, aren't you?
02:12Ten thirty-eight.
02:15Threatening behaviour
02:18and using obscene language
02:21towards Solana staff.
02:24You've got to be joking.
02:26We apologise. I'll keep my eye on him.
02:28Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
02:30I'm not apologising to nobody.
02:32You're telling me you're going to write down the name
02:34of every person in this hotel who swears?
02:36Cos you're going to need a damn sight bigger book than that.
02:39Ten thirty-nine.
02:41More swearing and shouting.
02:44Damn isn't swearing and that wasn't shouting.
02:49I'd keep my head down if I were you.
02:51Being arrested at an airport isn't the best start to anybody's holiday.
02:54No need to make things worse.
02:56How did you know about that?
02:58You're a guest in my hotel, Mr Gravey.
03:01It's my business to know.
03:05And it's Garvey.
03:07Come on.
03:11The man's an animal.
03:13I regret the day I let my daughter marry him.
03:15Well, it's all water under the bridge.
03:17Is it? You said you were going to rip his head off this morning.
03:20Shut up, you.
03:21Oh, and you'd be right to.
03:23It's the only language people like that understand.
03:26And after the things he said he was going to do to you.
03:29Oh, yeah? What things?
03:32Oh, I'm not one for telling tales.
03:36Although some of the things he was saying about you
03:39would make your hair curl.
03:40Well, like you, we're not ones for telling tales.
03:43Go on.
03:44Oh, no. I'm not getting involved.
03:49But I do think he had a cheat going on about how short you are.
03:53He's not exactly the jolly green giant himself.
03:56And who's he to call you ugly?
03:58As I said to my daughter last night,
04:00I'm sure you make up for it in personality.
04:06Right. Enjoy your morning.
04:14Morning.
04:21OK, team, I won't keep you very long.
04:24Just to say that we have now more or less weeded out
04:27the last of the bogus wristbands.
04:29All genuine Solana residents have now been issued
04:33a pink-style band.
04:35But if anybody's acting suspicious,
04:37please ask them for their room number
04:39and check against the database.
04:41How do we do that? Sorry?
04:43Well, if we're sitting behind the pool bar,
04:46we want to find out if someone is a genuine resident
04:49and they haven't just bought their wristband in a pub,
04:52how do we check the database?
04:55Um... Oh.
04:57We ask them to describe their room.
04:59Very good, Matteo. Glad to see someone's thinking on their feet.
05:02If they say it is nice and comfortable,
05:05we know we are smelling the rats.
05:07HE LAUGHS
05:08Just send them to the front desk. I'll check their identity.
05:11Morning. What's that?
05:13What's it got to do with you?
05:15You're bringing it into my hotel. That's what it's got to do with me.
05:18And now it's going into my salon, so keep your fat nose out.
05:23I think you've got a lovely nose.
05:26Class dismissed.
05:33Do you really think you can get away with speaking to me like that?
05:38Yes.
05:41Right. I'll put the coffees on, you keep an eye out for grot bags,
05:44and when the coast is clear, we get this shifted round to the pool bar.
05:48I don't think we're going to get away with this.
05:50That's what the Chuckle Brothers said. And look at them now.
05:54MUSIC PLAYS
05:59I still can't believe it.
06:01I thought Big Donna would live forever.
06:04It's certainly a lot to take in.
06:06When did it happen?
06:07Last Friday, at the Bogner Regis Over 60's Bisexual Alliance.
06:12Oh, that's a mouthful.
06:14Apparently those were Big Donna's last words.
06:17Really? Is that how she died?
06:20I'm afraid so.
06:22Well, that does surprise me.
06:25People always used to say she could breathe through her ears.
06:29Yes, I think that was just a figure of speech.
06:33I suppose we've missed the funeral.
06:35It's today.
06:36Apparently Jackson's Pie Shop are having a late-night opening as a mark of respect.
06:41Oh, lovely.
06:43Well, they've realised now that Donna's dead,
06:45they'll probably be out of business by the end of the month.
06:48Oh, Donna.
06:50Let's have another drink.
06:52Toast a life well lived.
06:54Oh, yes.
06:56Two triple chocolate fudge martinis
06:59with butterscotch sauce and whipped cream.
07:03It's what she would have wanted.
07:05Sugar dream?
07:07No, let's just have the drinks.
07:14He's not happy with you, that Clive.
07:16Mother, just leave it.
07:18You know what he was saying about you this morning?
07:20He was turning the air blue.
07:22I'm surprised you've got time for a holiday match.
07:24What with shit-stirring being a full-time job for you these days.
07:27There's no need for language like that.
07:29I know you've had no education,
07:31but there's no reason to drag everybody down to your level.
07:35Who are you texting?
07:37Oh, Michael.
07:38Oh, you won't see him again today.
07:40Not after the battering you gave him last night.
07:42Never laid a finger on that lad.
07:44Never mind child-lying.
07:45I'm surprised he hasn't had Esther Hansen's mobile number
07:48tattooed on his other arm.
07:50Oh, when's this ever going to stop?
07:52You what?
07:53The lies, the nastiness,
07:55the constant embarrassment of a bony, venom-spitting carcass
07:58who has no consideration for anyone but herself.
08:01Who are you talking about?
08:02You, I'm talking about you. Who did you see?
08:04Well, I knew it wasn't our Janice.
08:06She's never been what you could call bony.
08:08Look, there you go again.
08:09All right, that's enough.
08:10Honest to God, you're like kids.
08:12Is there any chance at all we could just sit here
08:15and have one peaceful morning,
08:17just a few hours without screaming, shouting, arguing
08:20or causing a fuss?
08:24What the frigging hell is this?
08:36Hello again.
08:37Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Ooh!
08:44Ooh!
08:52Never in all my years in the travel industry,
08:55and that includes four years under Richard Branson,
08:58have I witnessed such appalling behaviour.
09:00All right, they just sat there, open mouth, just looking at us.
09:04Not one of the miserable bastards joined in.
09:07Very amusing.
09:10You're one of those kids that can be put across somebody's knee.
09:13Grown men, the lot of you.
09:15Oh, yeah, you can put me across your knee.
09:17You know, there's only one thing I like better than a MILF,
09:20and that's a GAMILF with attitude.
09:23What on earth is a GAMILF?
09:25You're ridiculous.
09:26I mean, how old are you? 42?
09:29A GAMILF stands for a grandmother I'd like to...
09:3242?
09:33Sorry, is that a joke? I'm 36.
09:35Look, I know this isn't exactly Saint-Tropez, it's Benidorm,
09:39but you must have standards,
09:40therefore I'm going to have to ask you to pack your bags
09:42and leave the premises.
09:44A partial refund will be sent to you via your travel agent
09:47within 28 days.
09:49No, no, no, Joyce.
09:51I'm getting married.
09:53My commiserations to the bride.
09:55Oh, thank you.
09:56And, well, look, I asked my best man, Martin,
09:58where in the world should I go and spend my last few days as a free man?
10:01Can you guess what he said to me?
10:03Something like,
10:04please take a step back, your breath is beginning to affect my vision?
10:08He said, Benidorm.
10:10And as Martin is in charge of my stag weekend,
10:12Benidorm is where we came.
10:14Oh, Benidorm is where you can stay.
10:16Just not in my hotel.
10:18Look, I don't mean to be vulgar, but my friend is mind-numbingly rich.
10:23He's right.
10:24And I'm sure we can, you know,
10:26sort out any problems with a large donation to, you know, you.
10:34My decision is final.
10:36This is a four-star establishment.
10:37We do not cater for over-privileged idiots.
10:40So you can take your cells and your inherited money elsewhere.
10:43Look, there's about 400 euros there.
10:47Is there any chance of getting some breakfast by the pool?
10:52I'll have it sent over straight away.
10:55Boys, we're in.
10:57Yeah!
11:04So you've definitely got a spare plug socket?
11:07You mean for electricity?
11:09Of course.
11:10What is it for?
11:11I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
11:13Suffice to say there won't be one person in the salon
11:15that doesn't know that the grand reopening of Blow and Go is...
11:18Stop talking.
11:21Hiya. Can I have three beers and an orange juice, please?
11:26Hiya.
11:29I'm Liam.
11:30Go away.
11:31No, I won't go away. Don't be so rude.
11:34Look, I have work to do.
11:36How many times do I have to tell you to stop it? You interfere.
11:39Just because I haven't got muscles of a ton
11:41doesn't make me any less of a man than you are.
11:43Just go.
11:44I said you can put your plug in my socket later.
11:46Just make sure nobody finds out.
11:48Go.
11:52Your friend all right?
11:54Of course. He can be a little, how do you say, sensitive.
11:58Yeah, he looks it.
11:59Listen, there was a barman here yesterday.
12:02Blonde hair, blue eyes.
12:04Ah, yes. We have big trouble with this one.
12:06He has gone.
12:07What do you mean, gone?
12:08Gone. Finished. Goodbye.
12:10He left town.
12:11We were supposed to have a date.
12:13Really?
12:14We were supposed to have a date.
12:16Really? With this one who was here?
12:18Oh, no.
12:19Yeah, whatever. It's fine.
12:21Listen, this one, he was no good for you.
12:24You need a nice guy.
12:26A man who will take care of you.
12:28A man who appreciates your style.
12:30Your beauty.
12:32Thanks.
12:33I'll keep looking.
12:35I hope everything works out with your boyfriend.
12:38What?
12:39Hey, come back.
12:42Hey!
12:45Well, look who's still here.
12:48Eight pints and Jagerbomb chasers, if you please.
12:51Get David! Get David! Get David!
12:55Get David! Get David!
13:11You still haven't told me exactly what this is.
13:13Shh! I said, it's our new advertising campaign.
13:17Which, incidentally, is going to make us so much money,
13:20your little russet gusset is going to be as damp as an otter's pocket.
13:23Now, as the Catholic priest said to the altar boy,
13:26get your end up.
13:37Undiluted scum.
13:40They are a bit rowdy.
13:42Oh, and here comes our Michael.
13:45That's another screaming match to add to the madness.
13:48No, it's not. What's done is done.
13:51Wasn't exactly your attitude last night.
13:53Thought you were going to skin the lad alive.
13:55Don't start that rubbish again.
13:57We'll get the tattoo removed when we get home,
14:00and while we're here, we'll keep it covered up
14:02and say no more about it. Agreed?
14:04Yeah.
14:05Madge, agreed?
14:08Hiya, son. Did you have a nice sleep in?
14:11Yeah, a bit better than going to the shops.
14:13Did you get out good?
14:15Dad, I know you're all mad at me about getting this tattoo.
14:18No, no, I was just saying, son,
14:20I'm sorry for shouting at you last night.
14:22Let's just forget about it till we get home.
14:24I just wanted to say, though, it wasn't the other lad's fault,
14:27it wasn't Tiger's fault, it was mine.
14:29I got drunk and I wanted the tattoo.
14:31Don't stop me hanging around with him.
14:33I mean, he's the only person here who's my age.
14:35You can hang around with me.
14:37Please.
14:39We'll see.
14:41Hey, shall we go for a swim?
14:43No, I bought you all presents to say I'm sorry.
14:46Oh, Michael, you didn't have to do that.
14:48Oh, Mum.
14:52Dad.
14:53And Nana, I got you some cigs.
14:57Oh, Michael, it's beautiful.
15:00Do you not like yours, Dad?
15:03I'm sorry I shouted at you, son.
15:05I'm sorry for being an idiot.
15:07Come here.
15:10I love you, son.
15:12Never forget that, yeah?
15:14I love you.
15:18And I wonder where the money came from to buy all these presents.
15:21Don't be so bloody ungrateful.
15:23He's got his spending money.
15:25Not that sort of money.
15:27Them watches aren't market rubbish.
15:29They're the real thing.
15:31I should know.
15:32Yeah, cos you're dripping in designer jewellery, aren't you?
15:35He's been on the run.
15:37I know that guilty, embarrassed face.
15:39I've seen it often enough.
15:41What, every time you look in the mirror?
15:43Me? What have I got to look guilty about?
15:45Oh, I don't know.
15:46Maybe because you're a nasty, complaining, ungrateful old woman
15:49who can't open her mouth without either being rude
15:51or hurting someone's feelings.
15:53Oh, for God's sake, Michael.
15:55I'll go.
15:59Trust him to get the cheap ones.
16:05CHANTING
16:13This is crazy. It's not even the dip.
16:16Yeah, well, put that in for us.
16:18You can't leave all this while you're chilling everywhere.
16:20It's a health and safety hazard, man.
16:22That's rich coming from a chain-smoking tranny in a nylon wig.
16:29Great, that's it. I won't forget Josh.
16:31OK, I think it's causing some slightly more organised drinking games.
16:34Barman, bring us two tables of broom
16:38and 50 shots over that far corner.
16:41Hey, hey, I am not your slave,
16:43and we have no games for drinking.
16:45This is against the rules.
16:46Sorry, where are my manners? I forgot to give you a tip.
16:49I do not need your money,
16:51and I suggest you little boys go down to the beach
16:53and play your stupid games there.
16:55What size broom did you want?
17:01To the left.
17:03Hey, Mel.
17:05Oh, my goodness.
17:07She's quite impressive, isn't she?
17:09She's incredible.
17:10I've never seen anything so amazing in my life.
17:12Shall we cost me 50 euros for the week?
17:14What?
17:15Mind you, I didn't have to provide me a tip.
17:17What?
17:18Mind you, I didn't have to provide me own lettering.
17:20What the hell's going on?
17:22It's just a bit of advertising for the salon.
17:24Get that shifted now.
17:26Oh, what is your problem?
17:28I'm bringing a free attraction to the hotel.
17:30Kids love inflatables, see?
17:33I think he's stuck.
17:39No, no.
17:41Oh.
17:42No.
17:48No.
17:50Yeah, yeah.
17:54Look away.
18:02Mel, I'm sorry.
18:04It just doesn't say Solana.
18:06Yes, it does, along the bottom.
18:08No, I mean, it doesn't fit in with our brand.
18:10It's big, loud, tacky and too noisy.
18:12Talking of which, can't you do something about Prince Harry
18:14and his squadron over there?
18:16You see what the problem is?
18:17We've had stag parties here before.
18:19Yes, and you always come down on them,
18:21like a ton of bricks when they start getting rowdy.
18:24Which one of you is shagging?
18:26I beg your pardon?
18:28Oi!
18:29If you don't get those idiots shifted from out that pool,
18:32I'll shift them for you.
18:34And believe me, you don't want that.
18:36For goodness' sake, what's wrong with you all?
18:38It's not as if they're hurting anyone.
18:41Get that shifted!
18:53Come on, let's go outside.
18:55It's daft to be stuck in here when it's lovely and sunny out there.
18:58I've really messed up this time, haven't I?
19:00No, not really.
19:02At least I spelt it right.
19:07You didn't pinch them watches, did you?
19:09No. I've got the receipt here.
19:19190 euros for two watches.
19:21Where did you get that sort of money?
19:23Basking.
19:25Basking?
19:26Yeah. Michael's an amazing singer.
19:29Breakdancer?
19:30Er, dancer. I meant to say breakdancer.
19:33So you two were breakdancing in Benidorm and got all that money?
19:36Yeah.
19:37This time next year we'll be millionaires.
19:41Maybe I should get your dad a roll of lino
19:43so he can go out and spin on his head.
19:45Could do with the money.
19:48Right.
19:50You kids stay out of trouble.
19:52See you later.
19:58You've been flashing the cash, Mikey?
20:00Well, don't worry.
20:01I'm sure we can find ourselves another little scam.
20:04It's just a question of looking hard enough.
20:10Gentlemen and lady,
20:12as much as it pains me to interrupt your celebrations,
20:15I'm afraid we have a slight problem.
20:18Ah, you could say that.
20:20It has been brought to my attention
20:22that you are all positioned nowhere near the bar.
20:26So I have appointed Leslie, our head barmaid,
20:29to be your personal cocktail waitress for the night.
20:32Your personal cocktail waitress for the rest of the day.
20:35That's right, and if we hear another peep...
20:37Oh, what?
20:39Am I to take it that you two are now members of this stag party?
20:42Jacqueline and I have a relationship with Martin
20:45that goes back years, don't we, Martin?
20:47Erm, kind of.
20:49We've had some very sad news about a dear friend
20:52and the boys are helping us get over her.
20:55I remember the first time I needed help getting over Big Donna.
20:5945 minutes on an indoor trampoline.
21:05I have prepared the indoor reception bar
21:08with premium vodkas and high-quality nuts.
21:11So if you'd all like to follow Leslie,
21:13I'm sure you'll be safe in her very capable
21:16and slightly oversized hands.
21:23Well, I think she's mad.
21:25This place could be like Disneyland, but no,
21:27it's like Tenko, but without the glamour.
21:30What is Tenko?
21:32Don't you blaspheme in this salon!
21:34What is Tenko? Only Stephanie Beecham's finest hour.
21:37It's a TV show from the 1980s. I've got all the DVDs.
21:40You can't compare the Solana to a Japanese prisoner of war camp.
21:44You what? A bunch of sweaty Brits spending endless days
21:47trapped abroad in blistering heat and appalling conditions?
21:51Not only that, Temple Savage bears more than a person resembling
21:54Stibet Kwok when she's looking at the sun.
21:56I cannot listen to more of this.
21:58Cheers, Matteo, love. Thank you.
22:04Did you see her?
22:06Who?
22:07The girl in the white bikini.
22:10No. What about her?
22:12I think I'm in love.
22:14Oh, Liam, love, for goodness sake,
22:16when are you going to stop kidding yourself?
22:18About what?
22:19You know what? You're camper than a bride's embusque.
22:21How many times do I have to tell you I'm not gay?
22:24The lady doth protest too much.
22:26I'm not gay, I just don't like football.
22:28Last week when we went to Idols,
22:30you ended up on stage singing Over The Rainbow in a feather boa.
22:33And then on the last note, you went into full splits.
22:35Karaoke's not gay.
22:37All right, then, what is your all-time favourite TV programme?
22:40Oh, Dynasty, but only cos I like the fashion.
22:43We all know fashion's not gay. What's your favourite song?
22:47I'm not playing this game!
22:49Oh, Liam, love, I'm just thinking about you.
22:53In ten years' time, when you're happily married,
22:56I don't want to see you sloping off down to the old town
22:58and queuing up for the noshing bench in some dingy gay bar
23:01when you should be putting your kids to bed.
23:03You should learn to accept people for who they are.
23:09Just because I don't fit into your stereotype of how a man should be
23:12doesn't give you permission to call me name.
23:17I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses.
23:21That wasn't gay at all.
23:29So, if you're only here for the weekend, what are your plans?
23:33Well, drinking, mainly, obviously,
23:36and, of course, checking out the infamous Benidorm nightlife.
23:39Jonty wants to see Sticky Vicky.
23:42Oh!
23:44What? What is wrong with you guys?
23:48Look, I've seen the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza,
23:52I've flown over the Grand Canyon, I've swam through the Great Barrier Reef,
23:56but there gets to a point in every man's life
23:58when he just has to see a 70-year-old stripper
24:01putting the flags of all nations out of her front bottom.
24:06Oh, we're very good friends with Vicky.
24:09Really? Is all the stuff Martin's been telling me true?
24:12Absolutely.
24:14But those Benidorm pubs can get quite rowdy.
24:17I would have thought men of your breeding would prefer a private performer.
24:24She does private gigs.
24:26Oh, my God, this just gets more hilarious.
24:28Well, no, but everyone has a price.
24:31With the right budget, I'm sure we could arrange something,
24:35couldn't we, Jacqueline? Oh, yes!
24:44Right, go on.
24:47What are you doing in here?
24:49I could ask you the same question.
24:52I just needed some space.
24:54What can I get you, son?
24:56Well, it's a bit early, but I'll have a Campari and...
25:00..a lager.
25:02I'll have a pint of lager.
25:04Since when did you start drinking lager?
25:06Since now.
25:08Aren't you supposed to be working downstairs?
25:11I'm being told I have to wait hand and foot on that stag party,
25:14but there's no way.
25:16Hey, don't get me wrong, I love my job,
25:18but I'm not skiving around after a load of posh nobs.
25:22I've got some pride.
25:24There you go, young'un.
25:30Dad...
25:32..do you ever worry about what people think about you?
25:37Come on, son, take a look at me.
25:40What do you think?
25:42I just sometimes worry I don't really fit in.
25:45Where exactly is it you're wanting to fit in?
25:49Good point.
25:50Can you remember what I used to tell you to do
25:52when the kids at school called you ginger nuts?
25:54Oh, yeah, you said, um...
25:56You said, stamp on the bridge of their nose
25:58until they choke on their own blood.
26:00I think you're saying it was your mother who said that.
26:03Oh, yeah.
26:05I said, rise above it.
26:07I'm telling you this because they wish they stood out from the crowd.
26:11Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same?
26:15Yeah, I know all that.
26:17I just...I sometimes think the way that I am
26:21is preventing me from meeting the right girl.
26:25Or any girl.
26:27You don't need to change who you are for anyone.
26:31The right girl is out there somewhere, young'un,
26:33and it won't be long till she finds you.
26:35And you know why?
26:36Why?
26:37Because your star shines brighter than anyone else's.
26:43Thanks, Dad.
26:47Liam.
26:49Do you want a champagne?
26:50No, thanks, Dad.
26:52I'm all right.
27:06Where did your dad put the tattling pills?
27:10I don't think they're here. I think they've been chucked away.
27:12They must be in your gran's room.
27:14Have you got a key?
27:15Can't we just get some headache tablets and sell them?
27:17Headache tablets cost money, Mikey.
27:19As my old man says, it's all about profit margins.
27:23Oh, don't go in there. That's my mum and dad's bedroom.
27:25You worried about what I might find?
27:28Hello, hello.
27:29Why are we here?
27:31It's payday, Mikey.
27:33It's payday, Mikey boy.
27:35You little beauties.
27:37Have you done work?
27:38Put them back.
27:39I need a new key.
27:41There is no problem.
27:42There is a problem,
27:43cos I don't want to have to fanny about like that every time I want a shi...
27:46All right, son, what are you doing?
27:48I was just showing Tiger on the apartment.
27:51Lovely place you got here, Mr G.
27:53Well, better than the crappy rooms we're in.
27:56Yeah, well, we're regulars.
27:58Michael, why didn't you open the door? You could hear us trying to get in.
28:01I didn't know it was you.
28:02I'll get you another key.
28:04Yeah, four of them.
28:06Right, I think we'll get out in the sun.
28:09All right, see you later.
28:12Catch you later, Mr G.
28:16Enjoy your shower.
28:33Listen, Clive, I just wanted to say about last night,
28:36you know, it's been a stressful few days for all of us,
28:39and I think it's probably best all round if we just...
28:46What I mean is, you know, we're all here on holiday,
28:48supposed to be enjoying ourselves,
28:50so what is the point of...
28:53You know, what is the point of...
28:58I forgot what I was going to say now.
29:00Beer?
29:02Absolutely.
29:03Well, the one I had, pal.
29:05Two more, please.
29:06Call me Radal.
29:24Hello. Can I help you?
29:26Are you part of the stag party?
29:27No, I always dress like this.
29:29Oh, right.
29:30OK, I'll knock on the door.
29:32I'm pretty sure the guy there is the one who's getting married.
29:34Excuse me, excuse me, yes, I'm part of the stag party.
29:37Can I help you?
29:39You said you weren't.
29:40It was a joke.
29:42How can I help you?
29:44We were wondering if you were in the market for some shit.
29:47Some shit?
29:48Yeah.
29:49What do you mean? Like, for the garden?
29:52A garden?
29:53Yes, like, manure.
29:55Manure? What's that? French?
29:58Manure, no, it...
30:00..comes out of a horse's bottom.
30:02Look, man, we've got most things.
30:04We've got leapers, moggies, snappers, dust, dollies,
30:07eggs, jellies, dings and turkeys.
30:09Just let us know what you want, and if you've got the lettuce,
30:12we've got the candy.
30:14But we ain't got no manure.
30:16Whee!
30:17Pimp Diddy Martin!
30:20I see you brought your bitches.
30:22They are my bitches. I think it's Baba Job week.
30:25Are you ready? Everybody's downstairs waiting.
30:27Drugs! He wants to know if you want to buy some drugs.
30:30Mikey, for God's sake, man, what was that for?
30:34Drugs? You're selling drugs?
30:36How old are you, 12?
30:38I'm 16.
30:39And you, you should know better.
30:41If your father found out you were doing this,
30:43he'd bloody well skin you alive.
30:45So, is that a no, then?
30:47Course it's a no.
30:48Do we look like the kind of people who take drugs?
30:51Yeah.
30:52Yeah, you do.
30:54Martin, go downstairs, get the shots lined up.
30:57I'll be down in ten. Come in, boys.
30:59Oh, my God. I didn't see this.
31:02Wow, he's blind as well as stupid.
31:04Now, come on, boys, don't be like that.
31:16I mean, they're not bad kids.
31:18No.
31:20They're not, they're not. They're good kids.
31:23But what we've got to remember is that we were teenagers,
31:28but we weren't teenagers in this day and age.
31:31We didn't have the internet.
31:33Didn't have the internet.
31:34Didn't have computer games.
31:36Television.
31:37You didn't have television? How old are you?
31:40And we didn't have the hundreds of channels they've got now.
31:43Three channels we had. Aye.
31:45There's still twice as much to watch than the shite
31:47they've got on 300 channels now.
31:49Here, here.
31:54So, what line of business are you in, then?
31:58I was in the tanning stroke sunbed trade,
32:01but, er, well, bottom fell out of it, really.
32:05How about you?
32:06I'm in construction.
32:08The bottom hasn't fallen out of that.
32:10I'm sure.
32:11It's had a complete prolapse.
32:13Seriously?
32:14I'm trying to ride it out.
32:16Between you and me, things ain't looking good.
32:19Mm.
32:20Still, you've managed to come on holiday.
32:22How bad can things be?
32:25Yeah.
32:37What's going on here, then?
32:39I'm taking the boys out on a stag night.
32:42Don't worry, we'll be out of your hair momentarily.
32:45I don't suppose you've got room for one more, have you?
32:48I'm sorry, Leslie, it's a stag night.
32:50No women allowed.
32:52Oh, I don't mean for me, I mean for our Liam.
32:55He needs to broaden his horizons.
32:57I think the night out with the lads will do him the world of good.
33:00Absolutely, the more the merrier.
33:02So you're doing the full stag tour, then?
33:04The shamrock, locknets, jokers, the red dog.
33:07HE CHUCKLES
33:08With the added bonus of a once-in-a-lifetime live show.
33:12Tacky Jacky.
33:14The show you can afford to see but can't afford to miss.
33:17Tacky Jacky, as in your jacket?
33:20Yes, we tried to book Sticky Vicky, but she's out of the country.
33:23And your missus is going to do the act instead?
33:26Yes. Do you know what time your lad will be coming down?
33:29Oh, it's all right, I think he'll probably sit this one out.
33:32But you said he wanted to broaden his horizons.
33:35No offence, but with your missus doing Sticky Vicky's act,
33:38there's a fine line between having your horizons broadened
33:41and being scarred for life.
33:44Ladies and gentlemen,
33:46I give you Mr Jumpty Carmichael!
33:49CHEERING
33:51Single man, reveal yourself.
33:54CHEERING
33:56Ready, bitches? Let's get this show on the road.
33:59Dog? Toad? Cedar?
34:02CHEERING
34:08One more!
34:14CHEERING
34:16I'll probably be back before the end of the shift anyway,
34:19but any problems, just call my mobile.
34:21You have a good night.
34:23Yes, Daniel.
34:27OK, she has gone, she can go now.
34:29Oh, thanks, Mario.
34:31You going to manage without me? Of course.
34:33Where are you going? I'm taking off all this slop
34:36and I'm going to be a father to me son.
34:38You're going to slop your son?
34:40I have felt this way many times.
34:42I'm taking our limo for a paint.
34:45See you later. Bye-bye.
34:54Er, table for eight, please.
34:56Eight? Do you have any friends with people?
34:59Yeah, why, what's she got to do with you?
35:01One moment.
35:02You've changed your tune, wanting to eat with that Clive.
35:05Last night you tried to kill him.
35:07Oh, don't exaggerate.
35:09OK, somebody will be back to fade your order.
35:11Thanks, love.
35:12Hey, tell you what, Madge,
35:13why don't you go and sit with some of your friends?
35:15I'm sure we can find a single chair somewhere.
35:21She was in agony because she had, like,
35:23a crushing pain on her left nipple.
35:25So we're all panicking, rung the ambulance up
35:27and we've all got round there and, er...
35:29Anyway, it turns out she was stood on it.
35:31LAUGHTER
35:33One more for the road.
35:36Evening, fellas. Have you lost your luggage?
35:39Oh, it's Donald. How are you, Donald?
35:41Hey, bloody hell, I can't believe you're still above ground.
35:45You put a bit of beef on, Donald.
35:47Have you eaten my hair bed?
35:49Yeah, yeah.
35:50Step away from the comedian, boys.
35:53Anyway, she, er, she died after Christmas dinner.
35:56I once got buttonholed by Larry Grayson in the late 70s.
36:00These things can get quite messy.
36:02See? Guess how she died.
36:03Heart attack, playing charades.
36:05LAUGHTER
36:09MUSIC STOPS
36:14There you go, son.
36:18What are you drinking?
36:20A drop of Guinness.
36:21Do you want one?
36:22No, thanks.
36:27Why are you drinking that?
36:29Yeah, I don't know.
36:30Changes as good as the rest.
36:32Puts hairs on your chest.
36:34HE CHUCKLES
36:36Hey, I thought I might go down the Red Dog later.
36:39Why do you want to go down the Red Dog?
36:41Well, you know, a few drinks.
36:44Maybe chat up a few lasses.
36:46Why would you want to do that?
36:48Because I'm hoping my son, I'm just being a father.
36:51Dad, what's going on?
36:53After all you said to me, why are you trying to be something you're not?
36:56What are you talking about? Of course I'm your father.
36:58No, I don't mean that.
37:00I mean, sitting in a noisy, smelly sports bar,
37:02watching two men knock seven bags of shite out of each other,
37:05wearing beige and drinking Guinness.
37:07Why would you want a drink that puts hairs on your chest?
37:09You're a transvestite.
37:11Well, I'm just trying to help you find a nice girl, son.
37:15Well, I thought I'm not exactly helping,
37:17taking you to drag bars in Yorktown.
37:19I will find a nice girl, Dad, but in my own time.
37:22And I'll find her because she likes me for who I am.
37:26Wise words.
37:28They should be. They're yours.
37:30HE CHUCKLES
37:31So if I'm going to be myself, I want you to be yourself too.
37:34Fair enough? Aye, fair enough.
37:37Right, let's get you back down the Salana
37:40and into something a bit more glamorous.
37:42Honestly, you are really embarrassing me dressed like that.
37:44Thank God you said that.
37:46My feet have been killing us walking in these flat shoes.
37:49HE CHUCKLES
37:51CHEERING
38:03So, how have you been keeping, Martin?
38:06Not bad, thanks.
38:08Keeping my head above water. Yourself?
38:10Oh, you know me. I have my fingers in many pies.
38:13Yes.
38:14Actually, I'm writing my memoirs at the moment.
38:17Really? How fascinating.
38:19Since we last met, I was arrested on a charge of fraud
38:23as a result of faking my own death.
38:26Good Lord. Oh, yes.
38:28The book is based on the diaries I kept
38:30during my six months in prison.
38:33It's not so much a memoir, more of a kiss and tell.
38:38Here you go, boys.
38:41Time to step it up a bit.
38:44These aren't from those kids at the Salana, are they?
38:46Oh, do be quiet, Martington.
38:48Not for me, thanks.
38:49My wife and I went through a recreational drug phase
38:52many years ago.
38:54Jacqueline once spent four days on magic mushrooms
38:58thinking she was a bar now.
39:00Took myself and the fire brigade six hours
39:02to coax her down a next door's tree.
39:04Amazing.
39:05That was the easy bit.
39:07Apologising to the neighbours for her defecating heavily
39:10on their Ford Cortina was the sticky end of the wicket.
39:15Oh, speak of the devil,
39:17I think someone might need a bit of help loading her props,
39:21if you know what I mean, back in a short while.
39:27Having fun, Jonty?
39:29You're not kidding, are you? You're having an amazing time.
39:32Here, get another one of these down your neck.
39:40When you asked me to organise your stag party,
39:43well, I chose Benidorm as a bit of a joke, but...
39:48..I think the joke may have backfired.
39:50I mean, I'm not being vulgar, but you've got so much money,
39:53we could have gone anywhere in the world, and, well...
39:55I've been everywhere in the world. This place is incredible.
39:58It's three bars, we've seen Elvis, Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson.
40:02It's like an amazing alcohol-fuelled singing graveyard.
40:06I'm sure the Benidorm tourist board will be begging you to use that quote.
40:10And now, Sticky Vicky, all in the same night.
40:13No, no, you did the right thing, Amiga.
40:15They don't call you the best man for nothing.
40:17Did Donald not tell you about Sticky Vicky?
40:19What? She's on holiday.
40:21He's getting his wife to do the act. Tacky Jackie.
40:26Listen, pal, you know I've always had a penchant for the more mature woman.
40:31Sticky Vicky, Tacky Jackie.
40:34As long as I get to see a sexy pensioner
40:36putting the flags of all nations for her Aunty Mary,
40:39I'm going to sleep a happy boy tonight.
40:52What do you mean you can't do it?
40:54I've tried, but I think it's stage fright.
40:58Everything's seized up.
41:00Are you sure? Positive.
41:02I'll be lucky if I can get a whizzle of paper up there.
41:05What are we going to do?
41:07Remember the first rule of show business?
41:09The show must go on.
41:11No, never give them their money back.
41:14I have had an idea.
41:17Yes?
41:18There's an old trick I remember
41:20from when my mother was a magician's assistant.
41:23It could work, but you'll have to give me a hand, so to speak.
41:30Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
41:36Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
41:43I gotta be me
41:48I gotta be me
41:52What else can I be but what I am?
41:58What else can I be but what I am?
42:04I wanna live
42:07Well, I must say, this is very pleasant.
42:11What, the food?
42:13No, making friends on holiday.
42:16Where's Birkenair gone?
42:18Who?
42:19Michael and the other one.
42:22I gave Michael and Tiger ten euros each to spend on the machines.
42:26Are you right in the head?
42:28So thus you'll see of them tonight.
42:30They'll be high as a kite, sniffing glue round the bins.
42:33Excuse me, Tiger does not sniff glue.
42:36All right, calm down.
42:38When did you start defending your brother?
42:40When she started to disrespect him.
42:42Respect? Ha! That's a joke.
42:45What do you know about respect?
42:47Trotting round the pool with your tits out and your high heels.
42:51I think it's probably best if you don't judge my son or my daughter
42:54by your own very low standards, Match.
42:57Who do you think you're talking to, you piss-faced old cow?
43:01Do you know, I felt sorry for you when we first met.
43:04Married to him with a face like a ruptured arse.
43:07But it's him that deserves the sympathy for footing up with you.
43:13More drinks? Yes.
43:15And we'll have them over there. Come on.
43:17That's right. Piss off.
43:19Sit with your own kind.
43:21Animals, the lot of you.
43:24That's it.
43:26Much more rum.
43:28HE SIGHS
43:30MUSIC PLAYS
43:38CHEERING
43:47CHEERING
43:51MUSIC CONTINUES
44:03My God, she'd be amazing on a shoplifting ride.
44:11He didn't finish, Donald. Can you hear me?
44:14He didn't finish!
44:17Hang on.
44:20I've never seen anything like this in my entire life.
44:24Well, I must say, I've seen the real sticky Vicky
44:27and this comes pretty clo...
44:29Oh, my God!
44:31CHEERING
44:38MUSIC CONTINUES
44:49And every dream, but every love comes true.
44:52You've got no magic, magic, magic.
44:57Hey, taxi's outside for you.
44:59Oh, yeah, thanks, mate.
45:00These are our door keys.
45:01There might be some missing.
45:02I think one or two of them slept in the hallways.
45:05I mean, quite a heavy night last night.
45:08And you forgot to take off your fancy dress makeup.
45:10No, we got sold some dodgy pills.
45:15Pretty wild time, but they, um, well,
45:18they turned us orange.
45:21I can see this.
45:22Oh, and also, there's quite a lot of damage
45:23in most of the rooms.
45:24But just, just bill it to my card, OK?
45:26What card?
45:27Hey, hey, where are you going?
45:30You cannot leave.
45:31You have to pay for your damage.
45:32Ostia.
45:33Miss Temple Savage.
45:35Miss Temple Savage.
45:37Miss Temple Savage.
45:40There are guests trying to leave,
45:41but they have destroyed their rooms.
45:43Miss Temple Savage.
45:44Where are my glasses?
45:46Sorry, I had a bit of a late night last night.
45:53Well.
46:16Yeah.