Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:05♪
00:10♪
00:15♪
00:20♪
00:25♪
00:30♪
00:35♪
00:40♪
00:45You know you have got a lovely face.
00:48But why have you got all that horrible hair? It's like crispy seaweed.
00:52Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
00:55I'm really getting that corned beef through you.
00:57Yeah, all right, all right.
01:01Look, you've got beautiful eyes, but you can hardly see them.
01:05Why don't you come in and let me do a lovely number two all over your head?
01:10What?
01:12Where are you going?
01:15Oh, God, no, I meant a number two haircut! I'm an hairdresser!
01:19Oh, not that.
01:24Excuse me, young man, you couldn't tell me which hotel was the Solana?
01:28Er, yeah, this one here with Solana written down it.
01:32Oh, yeah.
01:35Sorted your hoes out, were you, Neville?
01:37No problem.
01:39My apologies. Reading isn't even my or my associate's strong point.
01:45Now that's brushing your teeth.
01:49Morning.
01:51You're up and about early.
01:53Now, I'm glad I bumped into you
01:56cos I have a hair appointment at 11 o'clock
02:00and I wondered if I could move it a bit earlier.
02:03No, I'm sorry, love.
02:05I've had to cancel all my appointments today. I'm very ill.
02:08Oh, have you just come back from the chemist's?
02:11No, Café Benidorm.
02:13Oh, are they not doing coffees in here yet?
02:15No, Café Benidorm is a nightclub.
02:18But it's 8 o'clock in the morning.
02:22That's trapped wind, that is.
02:25Not any more.
02:27That's why your stomach is so enormous.
02:30You need to get indoors, get on the loo
02:33and have a ruddy good trunk.
02:36When you've quite finished dispensing your medical advice,
02:39I wonder if you'd kindly move out my way
02:41so me and my enormous stomach can get to bed.
02:44Oh, well, I didn't mean to be rude.
02:46And I'd pick your feet a bit if I were you,
02:48cos if it is wind and it blows as I walk past you,
02:51you'll spend the rest of your morning walking back from Albia.
02:59Vic, what's going on?
03:00I've said I'll tell you when your mother gets here.
03:02Have you killed someone?
03:03Oh, Michael, don't be stupid.
03:04Well, why else would you get us up at 8 o'clock in the morning
03:07for a family meeting?
03:08I don't even know what a family meeting is.
03:10Yeah, well, you do now cos we're having one.
03:12What the frig's all this about?
03:14It's 8 o'clock in the morning.
03:16If this family meeting doesn't involve the words Euro millions,
03:20there's going to be trouble.
03:21Have you all finished?
03:23Whatever it is you want to say, just hurry up and tell us.
03:26Right.
03:29Does anyone want a drink first?
03:31No!
03:32Just get on with it.
03:37He has killed someone.
03:39Shut up.
03:41When I had to stay behind to sort out the sunbed shop that had the fire,
03:46I didn't tell you the whole story.
03:50Them cheap sunbed tubes that caught fire in the Pickering Road branch,
03:54well, I put them in all the shops.
03:59The morning you lot flew out to Benidorm,
04:02there was another four fires.
04:04Oh, another four sunbeds caught fire?
04:07No.
04:08No.
04:10The other four shops.
04:13You make this seem funny.
04:14I know it isn't.
04:18By dinnertime, all five had melt.
04:21Madge's...
04:25..our sunbed shops...
04:28..had burnt to the ground.
04:30Nobody was hurt, unbelievably, but...
04:34..there's more.
04:38Oh, God, I don't even know how to say this.
04:41We weren't insured.
04:42Of course we're insured. Don't be stupid.
04:47You never paid the insurance premium, did you?
04:55No.
04:58We've got absolutely nothing.
05:02And it's all my fault.
05:04Well, less than nothing, in fact.
05:08Why didn't you tell us before?
05:10Because he's nothing but a spineless animal.
05:13Someone who's gone through life never thinking about anyone but himself.
05:17That's not true.
05:18Well, what can I say?
05:20Well done, Mick.
05:21You've left us all without a pot to piss in.
05:24Everything my Mel worked for in his life, you've managed to destroy.
05:29You've managed to make his life pointless.
05:32And my life worthless.
05:35I regret the day I ever set eyes on you.
05:42I think that went quite well, all things considered.
05:49Kenneth! Kenneth!
05:55Oh, come on, Kenneth, keep it together.
05:57Kenneth, there is something I need to tell you.
06:00Open that door, will you, love?
06:02If I can't even manage to put my key in that lock in this state,
06:05I'm glad I didn't go home with Big Benny from the carousel last night.
06:09Last night, when she went out clubbing,
06:12Joyce, she had the locks to the salon changed.
06:15Why's that?
06:16Oh, we haven't been broken into, have we?
06:19Have them kids bitten Nick in permanent solution to sniff again?
06:22Honestly, what's wrong with a bag of glue?
06:24She says something about the rent. She says you did not pay.
06:27That's ridiculous. My rent's not due till the 12th.
06:29What date does that say?
06:30Today is the 27th.
06:33Oh.
06:35Well, I'm only a few days late. I'm sure it can be sorted.
06:42What the...?
06:44Get up! I know you're afraid of my old witch!
06:48You've gone too far this time. Open this door!
06:53Ah! Lucy!
06:57Oh, my God!
06:59Erm...
07:00Can I speak to Joyce, please?
07:02Betty! Can I see Liz? Betty!
07:09Ah!
07:11Yes? Can we help you?
07:13Bloody hell! How many of you are there in there?
07:16Jacqueline and I are staying with a few friends from the Benidorm circus.
07:20Nothing terribly heavy, just a contortionist,
07:23a couple of clowns and a Mexican animal trainer.
07:28Was there anything else?
07:30What room number is this?
07:32I believe it's 602.
07:34I think the number may have fallen off
07:36when we had to brace the door last night.
07:39Sorry. I need next door.
07:41Not a problem.
07:53Joyce! Joyce!
07:55Joyce!
07:57Open this door now!
07:59Do you hear me? Open this door!
08:03What in God's name do you think you're doing?
08:06I might very well say the same to you.
08:08What have you done to my salon?
08:10I'm not discussing it here.
08:12Oh, no, you don't, lady. We'll sort this out here and now.
08:17Oh, my God, when did this happen?
08:19When did what happen?
08:21When were you burgled?
08:23Um...
08:25Last night.
08:27Oh, Jesus. I'd better go and check my apartment.
08:30I'll see you downstairs.
08:35Not that bad.
08:40As you know, today, finally,
08:42we have our hotel star rating assessment.
08:45That fourth star is so close, I can practically taste it.
08:49You're going to give us a heads-up, Blake,
08:51when the assessor arrives, you know,
08:53just to make sure he's looked after.
08:55The assessor is already here.
08:57She arrived yesterday morning.
08:59And thankfully, I'm not as stupid as you all look.
09:02I have personally put her in the penthouse suite on the 21st floor.
09:06Didn't know we had a penthouse suite.
09:08Didn't know we had a 21st floor.
09:10She's been enjoying complimentary room service ever since she arrived,
09:13but there is no way she can award us our four stars
09:16without checking all the facilities.
09:18Maybe I can give her some room service.
09:20I don't mind her checking my facilities.
09:22Mr Simmons is a very sophisticated woman.
09:25I want you going absolutely nowhere near her.
09:28Leslie, I'm appointing you to look after her.
09:30Neighbour.
09:32And if any of the guests approach her,
09:34I want them removed from the building.
09:36Right, I'm meeting her by the pool in ten minutes.
09:38Class dismissed.
09:40Temple Savage, you bitch.
09:42I have just spent the last 15 minutes with two cleaners
09:44trying to get into my room.
09:46Your belongings have all been packed away
09:49Don't make a scene, Mr Debeck.
09:51I don't wish to involve the police.
09:53The police?
09:55I'm a couple of weeks late with me rent not drowning holidaymakers in the pool,
09:57you big drama queen.
09:59Mr Debeck, please lower your voice.
10:01We have a hotel assessor in the building,
10:03and I do not wish to have a full-on catfight
10:06in the middle of reception.
10:10Don't you?
10:12Well, I bloody well do.
10:14Ah! Ah! Ah!
10:16Ow!
10:22Get off of me!
10:24Get off!
10:27Ow! Ow! Ouch!
10:30Ow! Ow!
10:33Take it!
10:35Ouch!
10:37Ow!
10:41Ow!
10:43We're going where the sea is blue
10:46We've seen it in the movies
10:50Now let's see if it's true
10:54Everybody has a summer holiday
10:58Doing things they always wanted to
11:01So what can go wrong
11:04To make things come true
11:09For me and you
11:31We're going where the sun shines
11:33Kenneth, he has, how do you say, lost his plot
11:37He's lost his bloody mind
11:39He's definitely lost his job
11:42Let's see if it's true
11:46Everybody has a summer holiday
11:50Doing things they always wanted to
11:54So what can go wrong
11:57To make things come true
12:01For me and you
12:05I just look like this
12:08Where are they?
12:11I don't see them
12:27I do beg your pardon, I wonder if I can have a moment of your time
12:30Yeah, what is it?
12:32I was wondering if there was any free day trips on today
12:35Not that I know of, where do you want to go?
12:37Oh nowhere, my associate Neville and I are looking for an old friend
12:40Who we believe to be holidayed here
12:42Aye
12:43But we can't find him
12:44So thought you might have scaled the wall in a bid for freedom
12:47I'm so sorry to have troubled you
12:49Come Neville, a meander to the beach may be in order
12:56Bloody hell
12:58I think Neville was lucky to get time off from his job
13:00You bring kids to bed don't you
13:04Look why don't we just pretend I didn't tell you for another 24 hours
13:07It's stupid to ruin the last day of our holiday
13:09You haven't ruined the last day of our holiday
13:12You've ruined the rest of our lives
13:14I can't believe you didn't tell us before
13:16I didn't tell you because then we'd have spent the whole holiday with faces like smacked arse instead of just the last day
13:20He did the same thing to Nemo
13:22Who's Nemo?
13:23When I was seven I had a pet goldfish
13:26It died while I was at school
13:27But my dad didn't tell me till I got home
13:29Spent the whole day thinking my pet goldfish was alive
13:32But it wasn't, it was dead
13:34But my dad didn't tell me
13:37Oh Millie
13:48One gin and tonic, very dry
13:50Which is more than can be said for you
13:53I'm so glad you enjoyed our little re-enactment of the battle between the Moors and Christians
13:59So that wasn't you having a fight with a large gay man who wanted to kill you
14:04Oh good gracious no no no
14:06That's Kenneth our beauty salon stylist
14:08He likes to help out you know
14:10I take it that's you telling me we scored extra points for realism
14:15Realism
14:18Hello
14:19British newspaper going bagging if anyone's interested
14:23Excuse me would you mind leaving
14:25Well I was just asking
14:27Leslie security
14:28I'm sorry pet I'm afraid I'm going to have to escort you outside
14:31What have I done wrong it's only a newspaper
14:35I'm sorry about that
14:36Unfortunately we have a lot of holiday makers here at the moment
14:40Yes I had noticed
14:41Would you like another drink?
14:42I haven't had this one yet
14:44I'll have another one anyway completely gratis
14:47Mateo another drink for Mrs Simmons and a bowl of nipples if you please
14:52You mentioned
14:54Mateo's uncle roasts his own nuts you know
14:56Really?
14:57Yes well that can happen if one stands too close to the barbecue
15:00Oh no I mean Peanuts he has a little stall on the market
15:06Oh I see what you mean
15:15And a glass of water too I think Mateo
15:18See no problem
15:24Are you alright?
15:26Absolutely fine
15:28No I thought there's nothing more we can do for you
15:31Well you mentioned a beauty salon
15:34Yes it's closed today but I can guarantee it'll be up and running first thing in the morning
15:41Oh I'm checking out late this afternoon but not to worry
15:46I'm going on to a hotel in Alicante which has a four star rating
15:50So I'm sure they will be able to provide a manicure
15:56Three months free rent
15:58Forget it I've seen what you've done to me
16:01I'm taking legal advice
16:03Three months free rent
16:05Two new front teeth from my Swedish dentist in Alfaz
16:09And unlimited use of the fax machine in reception
16:12Unlimited use of the fax machine?
16:14Who am I going to fax? I don't know anybody living in 1987
16:17Six months free rent
16:19Two new teeth from the Swedish chef in Alfaz
16:22And 500 euros cash
16:24No way absolutely no way
16:27Think about it Joyce
16:29How much do you want that four star?
16:32And how good would it look if you get it after being here for only one week?
16:36Four months free rent
16:38Two new teeth
16:40A hundred euros cash
16:42My final offer
16:45Done
16:47You can book Mrs Lardy Dar in for this afternoon
16:50I'm going outside for a fag
16:52I want a taxi there in five minutes to take me to Alfaz
16:55I'm going to see a man about some teeth
17:04Why don't we all go to the water park?
17:07My treat
17:08Your treat?
17:09Haven't you treated us all enough?
17:11Look the whole point of being here is to get away from our problems
17:14Yeah we've got a lot to deal with when we get home
17:16But we're not there yet
17:17We've still got another day in the sun so we may as well enjoy it
17:20How can we enjoy anything when you've left all our lives in tatters?
17:23Because it's our choice it's up to us
17:25Don't you understand?
17:27What happens tomorrow and after that will still be the same
17:29Whether we enjoy ourselves today or just sit here miserable
17:32No I don't understand
17:35Why's he talking in riddles?
17:37He's just trying to wriggle out of what he's done
17:39I'm not trying to wriggle out of anything
17:41I've messed up
17:42I've messed up big time bigger than anything else before
17:45And I've said I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face
17:47Well sometimes sorry just isn't good enough
17:49Oh so what do you suggest I do then kill myself?
17:51Wouldn't be a bad idea
17:53Alright that's enough
17:57Michael come here
17:58Why would you want my dad to kill himself?
18:00Why would you say that?
18:01Michael come and sit here
18:02I don't want to sit there
18:03Answer me nanna
18:04Would you really want my dad to kill himself?
18:06It was his idea
18:07Don't you think before you say things?
18:09Don't you talk to me like that young man or I'll tan your backside for you
18:13No you won't
18:14You'll just sit there tanning yourself
18:16Being nasty to the people who love you and look after you
18:19Look after me that's a joke
18:21No you're the joke
18:22My dad says you say nasty things because you're old
18:25Like that's an excuse
18:27I've worked it out
18:28You say nasty things because you are nasty
18:31Simple as that
18:32Nick get hold of him bring him here I'll cripple him
18:35Is that before or after he kills himself?
18:42I'll go and get him do you want a cup of tea?
18:45Mam
18:46Two sugars drop a brandy in it
18:51You know when a family's got problems
18:53When you can't have a civilised conversation without one of them flying off the handle
18:59I just don't feel this is my true vocation in life dad
19:03Nobody's sin has to be son
19:05We all do jobs from time to time to make ends meet
19:08I don't want to spend the rest of my life cleaning pools or fixing showers
19:13Oi Mario
19:14Liam's thinking about leaving
19:16Tell him what a good little job he's got here
19:18Oh you should definitely keep his job
19:20There you go
19:21You're too stupid to work anywhere else
19:22Oh well thank you very much
19:23Hey I'm serious
19:24I have never met anyone as stupid as you
19:27And most people I know are stupid
19:29Well birds of a feather flock together
19:32You should not call them birds
19:34It is how you say bad politics
19:36Well by all means start looking for something else
19:39But don't hand your notice in here till you've got another job
19:42Well that's just the point if I don't give up this job now I might just stay in it forever
19:46Can you imagine the embarrassment of working here in your 40s
19:52Or god forbid your 50s
19:55Or beyond
19:57That'd be just, just sad
20:00Now I wonder if I could trouble you
20:02For a diet cola with no ice
20:05And a slice of lime please
20:08Hang on a minute I'll just get me dad
20:10Dad!
20:14How old do I look?
20:16I don't know
20:17What do you mean you don't know?
20:19I mean I'm not good at guessing age
20:21What do you mean you don't know?
20:23I mean I'm not good at guessing ages
20:25You know how old I am
20:27Then why are you asking me?
20:29I'm not asking you how old I am I'm asking you how old I look
20:33You don't look your age
20:35That's because I'm not
20:37What?
20:38I lie about my age
20:39So most people do
20:41By quite a lot
20:45You're not 50 are you?
20:47What?
20:48Well I don't know you said a lot
20:50Oh you're nasty
20:53Stop that I'm spilling me drink
20:55Now now girls play nicely
20:58We're only messing
20:59We had a saying when I was your age
21:02Make love not war
21:04All right pal that's enough
21:05Get up to the bingo
21:06Start sniffing around some on your own age
21:08Look I'm certain you could
21:09Come on Casanova shift it
21:11Cheers Leslie
21:12The one chance she gets this holiday to cop off with a younger fella
21:15And you balls it off
21:17Oh cow
21:21Well how did you get on?
21:23What do you think?
21:24Well as the colour matching goes
21:26It's not what you'd call undetectable
21:28Oh these are only temporary
21:30I'm sorry
21:31It's terribly confusing that you don't start every sentence with what's up doc
21:34Oh very funny
21:36What if I keep these front two this colour
21:40And then change all the others to match
21:42Perfect you can say you're the bastard love child of Susan Boyle and Simon Cowell
21:47Right I better be off
21:49I've got a vip coming to the salon any minute now
21:51What's a vip?
21:52VIP
21:53Very important person
21:54Which is why I can't adhere gas into you all day
21:57Oh hello
21:59Sorry about this morning
22:01Slight mix up with the room numbers
22:02No bother at all was it Jacqueline
22:04Oh no our door's always open to
22:07Well anyone really
22:08Yeah or anything judging by the noises coming from your room
22:12Oh you mean Adolfo
22:14Do I?
22:15Adolfo the Mexican animal trainer
22:17He lost all his animals in a flash flood in the late 90s
22:21And now he does animal impressions instead
22:23Very convincing
22:24Yeah very
22:26Although I see you do animal impressions yourself
22:29What do you mean?
22:30Er what's up doc
22:33I wish people had stopped saying that to me
22:41Very busy in rag times today
22:44You don't think we missed out on any special offer do you?
22:46Oh ho no
22:49Excuse me do you mind if my wife and I nudged up against you
22:54Mr and Mrs Stewart
22:56I finally tracked you down
22:58Again
23:05Hot bovril
23:06Not for me thanks
23:07I've just had a gin and tonic
23:09No I mean your hair
23:11I can't look at somebody and know exactly what they'd suit
23:14And you looked at me and you thought hot bovril
23:16What with the new hair colour
23:18Although I think hot bovril might be a shade too dark
23:25What do you think about going ginger
23:27Wasn't the first thing that occurred to me when I woke this morning
23:29Mind you you do have to be careful
23:31I had a woman in here last week and she went for honeycomb shimmer
23:35Very thin pale faced woman with a short crop and a nasty pinstripe waistcoat
23:39She left looking a bit like Steve Davis you know the snooker player
23:42I actually need a manicure
23:45A manicure?
23:47Yes
23:49Not a problem I'll go and fetch Sue
23:53You don't seem very convinced
23:55Oh no no it's not a problem
23:57I'm sure she's around here somewhere
23:59Can I get you a complimentary beef tea while you're waiting
24:03No I'm fine thank you
24:05One minute
24:09Mateo I need you to do me a favour
24:11Another one? I'm not your slave
24:13Oh shut up
24:15I need you to go to the indoor market and see if fat Sue's in the shop
24:18Fat who?
24:20Fat Sue she runs that nail bar just on the left as you go in it's called em
24:23Oh get nailed
24:25I'm sorry I cannot leave the desk
24:27We have a VPL in the hotel and I have to be here in case she rings down for something
24:31She's not going to ring down because she's in my salon and it's a VIP
24:35Oh Liam love I need a favour
24:38I've got the VIP in my salon and I need someone to do her nails
24:41Yeah I'll do it no problem
24:42So I need you to go to the indoor market and...
24:44You what?
24:45I do my dad's nails all the time
24:46Look Liam do not mess me about this is a VIP and I can't have her leave my salon like she's been eating jam with her hands
24:52Seriously I've been doing my dad's nails for years
24:54I can do a French manicure, reverse French manicure, European manicure
24:57Oh my god who would have thought that behind that little pasty ginger face lies the mind of a genius
25:04Give me that bucket
25:07By the time we've finished with Mrs Simmons she'll be giving us five stars not four
25:16Right come on
25:18Oh and by the way your name's Sue
25:24Excuse me what do you think you're doing?
25:26Just having a chat
25:28Well I'm sorry but you can't be in here without an appointment
25:30I had an appointment this morning at 11 but you weren't open
25:36Well I'm glad we got that cleared up off you pop come on
25:39But...
25:40Leslie
25:41Well what...
25:43You must be Sue
25:45Yeah I'm a boy named Sue you know like in that Johnny Cash song
25:48Come on now Noreen let's have you out of here I don't want any trouble
25:52That's my dad I do his nails as well
26:00Now then if you would kindly kick your shoes off and stick your trotters in this little bucket
26:05What's in the bucket?
26:08Mongolian bottom feeders
26:10I'll pass if you don't mind
26:12Well don't worry I'm not going to ask you to sit in it
26:14It's the latest thing have you not seen them around Benidorm?
26:16No I spent most of the time in my room writing
26:19Course you have
26:21Well what these little fish do is chew off all the hard scabby crusty bits off your feet
26:26You'll flatten me
26:27Oh no you won't flatten them because they're trained to get out of your way when you stick your feet in
26:30Let me show you
26:39They appear to be dry
26:41No they're just catching their breath
26:43My dogs are a bit whiffy
26:45I've been out on the town all night and I haven't had a bath yet
26:52Oh
26:53Going anywhere nice on your holidays?
26:58So let me get this right
27:01You're asking us for a character reference
27:05I'm afraid so
27:07My husband went to prison because of you
27:10I realise on the face of it this does appear to be a sight testing of friendships
27:16I don't remember us being friends
27:19Hang on Jacqueline let's hear what he has to say
27:22Basically the economic downturn has hit all areas not least the foreign office
27:27Unfortunately my position here in Benidorm is in jeopardy of being replaced by a convoluted succession of penny pinching underlings
27:34I haven't a clue what that means
27:37Good British people like yourselves on holiday in Benidorm who find themselves in crisis
27:43Will end up with no one to turn to
27:46Surely we are the last people you should be asking for help considering the circumstances
27:51Well yes it's just I need to present at least one case from the last 12 months
27:56And well let's just say it's been a slow year
27:59So basically you're going to get sacked from your overpaid job of sitting on your bum sipping pink gins in a big house
28:09And you want us who you helped get convicted of fraud to save your job
28:17You're right I'm asking too much
28:19I'm so sorry to have disturbed you
28:23We'll do it
28:24What?
28:25I'm sorry
28:26We'll be your character witnesses we'll save your job
28:29I'm not a heavily religious man but while in prison two things were imprinted on my memory
28:36My number Stuart 8369 and the quotation do unto others as you would have them do unto you
28:47Luke 361
28:49No Stuart 8369
28:53I have some forms I'll need you to fill in
28:56Can I invite you to the consulate for a gin? Pink or otherwise?
29:00No we prefer it here thank you
29:03You're very welcome to drop by Neptune's this evening
29:06We could put you down for some karaoke
29:11But of course until this evening
29:14Until this evening
29:16That was such a generous thing you just did most men would have told him where to get off
29:22I'm not like most men
29:24Well I've always said that
29:28Half an hour upstairs
29:30Oh yes
29:31Yes
29:41Mrs Simmons I trust you enjoyed your stay at the Salona Benidorm
29:45Yes although I'm not too sure that three people to help me with my luggage was completely necessary
29:51Nothing is too much trouble for a guest at the Salona Hotel
29:56I trust you enjoyed your visit to our beauty salon
29:59It was an experience
30:01Wonderful
30:02Now I know you're a very busy lady and you did mention to us earlier that you have another hotel to go on to
30:08But I just wanted to confirm with you that well we did enough
30:13I don't see how you could have done more
30:15What I mean is I know you've been hurled up in our luxurious yet homely penthouse suite for most of the week
30:22And you've barely spent a day enjoying all our little nooks and crannies
30:26But I trust you will look upon our efforts favourably when assessing our facilities
30:36I assume you take American Express
30:39Oh please please that won't be necessary
30:41What do you mean by that?
30:43I mean there's no charge
30:46Really?
30:48Well if you agree that our hotel deserves a four star rating there's no charge
30:58Well if there's no charge I'll agree that you deserve a five star rating
31:02Let's not go mad they might smell a lot
31:06Well then if you're not going to let me pay I don't usually do this but
31:17At least accept this with my good wishes
31:21Oh
31:23Well I'm not much of a reader myself
31:25Thank you
31:26Mateo
31:28Thanks
31:30See you again
31:31See you again and who knows next time could be a five
31:37Bye
31:40How did it go?
31:41Kept the Brasso out Leslie
31:43Might have another starter polish
31:45Oh champion
31:46Nice one
31:50Excuse me
31:51Yes what is it Mr Dixon?
31:53I think it's about time that I revealed myself
31:58Oh my god Leslie we've got a sex pest in reception quickly
32:05Alright pal stop struggling I've got your number
32:09I almost had you down with a bit of a nonce
32:11Hey crazy man I've told you before
32:13Joyce do you want me to throw this guy out?
32:15What on earth's wrong with you? Get off me
32:17Just trying to find my business card
32:24Gerald Dixon hotel assessor
32:27I'm here to give your annual star evaluation
32:38And finally the lavatories
32:40All lavatories were of minimal standard
32:42Toilet paper again minimal standard
32:44Sadly inadequate hand drying facilities
32:47And a forgettable atmosphere
32:49What kind of atmosphere do you expect?
32:52It's a toilet not a wedding reception
32:54Despite all these findings I have good news
32:58Do you?
33:00Yes I'm a positive person with an optimistic outlook on life
33:03And if you can assure me all the points will be acted upon
33:07Yes
33:08I'm sticking out my neck a little here
33:11But I will personally guarantee
33:14You retain your three star status
33:18What?
33:19But you got through with the skin of your teeth
33:22We didn't get our four stars
33:24Four stars?
33:26Oh my goodness me no
33:28I'm afraid you're very wide of the mark
33:31As far as four stars are concerned
33:33I'm terribly sorry
33:35But you simply don't have the facilities
33:41Barbara Simmons
33:43What?
33:44Damned blast I knew it was her
33:46What are you talking about?
33:48Barbara Simmons the crime writer
33:51I called my wife this afternoon to say
33:53That I thought I'd spotted her
33:55But she said don't be ridiculous
33:57What would Barbara Simmons be doing
33:59Staying at a Solana hotel
34:01But of course her new novel
34:04Is supposed to be set in the Costa del Crime
34:08She's been scouring the underbelly of Benidorm
34:12And mixing with the unclean
34:14It all makes sense
34:18Awful hotel
34:20But I can't fault the final bill
34:22Best wishes Bob Simmons
34:25She's never signed it
34:27What?
34:29May I?
34:34Oh my goodness
34:36That never happens
34:38Barbara Simmons never signs her books
34:41I mean simply never
34:43Well I think Bill Clinton
34:46Is rumoured to have one
34:48And of course there's a signed copy
34:50Of Never a Lender in the Smithsonian
34:52But oh my goodness
34:56So this could be worth a few quid
35:00The monetary value is immaterial to a collector
35:03The prestige of having a signed Simmons
35:06Plus this is what Sasha did next
35:10The book that made her a star
35:14Well maybe the book that made Barbara Simmons a star
35:20Could make me one
35:23You, you're such a big star to me
35:26You're everything I want to be
35:29But you're stuck in a hole
35:32And I want you to get out
35:34I don't know where there is to see
35:37But I know it's time for you to leave
35:40Well I'll just push the lock
35:42Where have you been?
35:44I said you were coming straight down
35:46You've been sitting here like a billion homies
35:48I was packing
35:49You're not going until tomorrow lunchtime
35:51You mean you haven't even started packing
35:53Two bikinis and a pair of flip flops
35:56How long's that going to take to put in a carrier?
36:00You haven't enjoyed this holiday have you?
36:03Of course I have
36:05It's been great
36:07And tonight I think I might get the icing on your cake
36:30Well here we are
36:32The last supper
36:34Don't be dramatic mother
36:35Who's being dramatic?
36:36We're still going to be able to eat
36:38I remind you of that this time next week
36:40When we're scrambling around in the dirt
36:42Begging for handouts
36:43I'm going to make everything alright
36:45Don't make me laugh
36:46You've always been the same
36:48Useless
36:49Less than useless
36:51You're a liability
36:52And this time you've put the last nail in the coffin for all of us
36:57Michael where are you going?
36:59I'm leaving
37:00He'll be alright
37:01Let's eat our dinner
37:11Four star accreditation awarded to the Solana Benidorm
37:15In recognition of attaining the required standard
37:18In food services, entertainment and overall facilities
37:22Well I don't know how you managed it
37:24If I'm honest I didn't think you could
37:26But I'll take me hat off to you
37:28Is that what it is?
37:32Well look at you
37:34I'm having five stars now
37:36I'll have to look the part even on my night off
37:38Well there's only four stars but who knows
37:41This time next year
37:46This is for you
37:47Oh Liam
37:49Well it's the first but
37:51I dare say it won't be the last
37:53Congratulations card
37:56It's not a congratulations card
37:58It's my resignation
38:03I can't tell you how much this means to me
38:06And I know this can't be an easy thing to do
38:08Considering the circumstances
38:10On the contrary it's a pleasure
38:12One of the few CDs that I had in prison
38:15Was that of the Irish tenor Joseph Locke
38:19Jacqueline and I had the good fortune to have met him in the seventies
38:22Oh yes, great pair of lungs on him
38:25My favourite song of his has always been
38:28If I can help somebody
38:32As I pass along
38:35Then my living
38:38Shall not be in vain
38:42I had to listen to that while lying on my top bunk
38:45After a particularly nasty beating from Mr Big
38:49A most poignant epigram
38:51And one I shall certainly remember in my role as British Consul
38:56Hello Donny
38:57We've been searching high and low for you
39:01Lanny
39:02I mean Mr Chapman
39:05What on earth are you doing here?
39:08I thought you still had two years to serve
39:11Between you and me Donny
39:12I find serving a false sentence terribly inconvenient
39:15It really interferes with my social life
39:18Trouble is every other time I've escaped from prison
39:20I've stayed in the UK
39:22I like my own comforts
39:24And they've always tracked me down
39:26So then I thought, I know, come to Spain
39:28And where best to settle down in?
39:30Then my little Donny's favourite all-inclusive
39:33And of course, I still get my own comforts
39:36Because Donny knows how to look after me
39:40Don't you?
39:44I hope you're booked in two weeks like you said
39:48Never one I would hate to have to get our own drinks around a pool
40:01What's that?
40:02That is Lenny Chapman
40:05Armed robber, grand larcenist
40:08And professional giver of misery and misery
40:12And misery and pain
40:15Also known as Mr Big
40:19Oh no!
40:23Well, I hope you're all enjoying the party atmosphere this evening at Neptune's
40:28We have a lot to celebrate here at the Solana
40:31Having just been awarded a four star rating
40:37But, it's not all good news
40:41I have to report the sad resignation of a much loved member of staff
40:46Liam
40:48Although thankfully he's not going very far
40:50Because he's just accepted an apprenticeship with Kenneth Dubeck
40:54Our multi-award winning stylist
40:57At our four star beauty salon, Blow and Go
41:05Thank you
41:07And now, for our first karaoke song of the evening
41:11And I think it's a very appropriate one
41:15Please welcome, Michael Garvey
41:27This song's got real nice words
41:29I mean, lyrics
41:32I wanted to sing it tonight cos
41:34Well, I want me dad to know
41:37I want me whole family
41:39Me nana, me mam
41:41But especially me dad
41:43To know that we can get through anything
41:45Because we always have done
41:47And no matter what happens
41:49We'll always have each other
41:52When you walk through a storm
42:04Hold your head up high
42:12And don't be afraid of the dark
42:22Have you found your first full holiday without Roy?
42:27Troy?
42:28Yeah
42:29I don't think holiday on me own is right for me
42:33You've always got a cast iron scrabble partner
42:37If you've brought someone with you, haven't you?
42:39Well, this wasn't really a holiday on my own
42:41I came here to see Kenneth's new shop
42:44That's right
42:45So you and Roy will be back together here in Benidorm next year
42:52Troy?
42:53Yeah
42:54I don't know
42:55I think I may fancy something a little bit more exotic next year
42:59I thought Roy was Indian
43:01You don't get more exotic than that, do you?
43:05I was talking about the holiday
43:09Never walk alone
43:20Never walk alone
43:25Hiya
43:26You alright?
43:27Yeah
43:28I suppose you saw me looking over here during me set
43:30I did
43:31Sorry, a bit obvious
43:33Well, we're all responsible adults
43:35I usually do two or three gigs a night
43:36So I usually have to dash off
43:38I thought you'd have a chance to give her my number
43:40Well, you've got the chance now, haven't you?
43:42Here I am
43:44So where is she?
43:45Where's who?
43:46The girl I usually sit with
43:48Nice looking, Arlen Plaston
43:50She's at the bar
43:52My mother's in ten minutes, so I'd better go
43:54Will you give her this?
43:57Bye, all right?
44:00Cheers
44:01Hey!
44:08Watch where you're going!
44:09You first, Arlene!
44:14Hey, look, Arlene!
44:16Yes, Arlene?
44:17What's going on there?
44:18Oi!
44:19I've got no idea
44:21But I'm having their champagne
44:23Nice one
44:25To us
44:27There we go, there we go, there we go
44:38Listen, you know that singer?
44:41He left you his number
44:43Did he?
44:44Yeah
44:45Here you go
44:47I'm all right, thanks
44:48He had to leave cos he's singing at another nightclub now
44:51If you want to go, I'm fine here
44:54Don't be stupid, it's our last night
44:56Oh, for God's sake, don't treat me like a mainland
44:59Or make it worse
45:00Just go
45:02The club's called Sandra's
45:04All-inclusive!
45:07Are you really not interested?
45:10Nah, he's a bit cheesy, isn't he?
45:13Dunno, I didn't get the chance to find out
45:25Nevermore
45:31I'd like to propose a toast
45:34To the Solana
45:36All four stars of it
45:39To the Solana
45:40Solana
45:41The Solana
45:42Nevermore
45:48Nevermore
46:18music only