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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:27♪
00:58Good morning, sir.
01:00Might I have the tiniest drop of milk in my tea, please?
01:04When? When?
01:06What do you mean, when?
01:08I do it now.
01:09Crazy men.
01:11Excuse me, miss.
01:13Miss?
01:14Great party last night.
01:17Oh, it's been ages since I had a good boogie.
01:20Yes, your naked conga was certainly an icebreaker.
01:23The human centipede works every time.
01:26Well, it's a shame the Costa Blanca citizen
01:28doesn't share your enthusiasm.
01:31Oh, dear.
01:34Under the new management of Joyce Thimble Savage, I ask you,
01:39the Solana is fast developing a reputation
01:41as the faulty towers of the Costa Blanca.
01:44Injured guests, broken rooms and sordid pool parties
01:48are showing Benidorm in the worst possible light.
01:52Well, we've been coming for over 20 years
01:55and we've always been fully satisfied, haven't we, darling?
01:59Oh, yes. At least once a day.
02:02This is a disaster. One more foul-up, I could lose my job.
02:05Well, if there's anything we can do
02:07to release the pressure a little, just let us know.
02:12It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it?
02:15Donald and Jacqueline, please.
02:17Can I rely on your discretion?
02:19Absolutely. We never kiss and tell.
02:22Would you mind coming to my personal quarters after breakfast?
02:25I've got something in mind that I'd quite like to try out.
02:29I think we'd find that most agreeable.
02:33We did have you pegged to someone who was curious.
02:37I'm more than curious.
02:40Make sure you're not followed.
02:42Walls have ears.
02:46See? I told you she was one of us.
02:49This glass is worthy of the name all-inclusive.
02:52SÃ. Excuse me.
03:05Rude pig.
03:07So, have you decided what you're going to wear today, ma'am?
03:10Well, I'm not wearing a bloody burka, I'll tell you that for nothing.
03:13I'll be sweating like a glass blower's arse.
03:15Well, you don't have to go too fancy.
03:17It's not like a proper wedding, is it?
03:19What do you mean?
03:20I mean, you're just going through the motions.
03:23You're only doing it for the money, aren't you?
03:25Oh, great. Does that mean I don't have to come?
03:27Hey, I've warned you about that cheek.
03:29God, whatever.
03:31Mr Mohammed is doing this out of the kindness of his heart
03:34so that I can inherit Mel's money
03:36without months of court appearances and legal fees.
03:39The least we can do is respect his culture and his religion.
03:43There you go, son. Just like that.
03:46Where did you get them?
03:47Chinese shop. We've got to make Mohammed feel at home.
03:50If he's going to take the piss all day, I'd rather he didn't come.
03:53What? It's traditional Moroccan dress.
03:55Look, my wife and I were married in the toilet.
03:58It was a marriage of convenience.
04:00Take it off.
04:02We just want a nice, simple ceremony, get the marriage certificate
04:06and then we can transfer the money as quick as possible.
04:08You don't trust him, do you?
04:10I don't know, ma'am. It's a lot to take in.
04:12Oh, you've got to let her go on the honeymoon,
04:14get to know the other wives.
04:15What other wives?
04:16Well, they're allowed eight, aren't they?
04:18He's already got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
04:21So where does that leave me?
04:23Halloween.
04:26Right. If that's your attitude, you can frig off.
04:29I don't want any of you at the ceremony.
04:31I can sort out my own affairs, thank you very much.
04:34And don't come crawling to me for a handout once I've got my inheritance
04:38because you'll be rubbing on an empty lamp.
04:43Oh, well done.
04:44I was only trying to lighten the mood.
04:45Just stay out of her way today, Mick.
04:47What?
04:48I don't think she wants you at this wedding.
04:49But I thought we were going to be witnesses.
04:51I'll go by myself.
04:52But I've got...
04:53Forget it. You two just amuse yourself for the day
04:55and I will deal with the crap as usual.
05:01Well, I think that went according to plan.
05:05Simon, we can go watch the footy?
05:07Looks like it, son. Barca versus Real Madrid, two o'clock at the heartbreak bar.
05:10Our work here is done.
05:13Told you the apps was a good idea.
05:15Two aerials, meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
05:18The ceremony was ravished, but the reception was brilliant.
05:27Have you nearly finished your bathroom, Trudy?
05:30I think I'm going to vomit.
05:35I had a visit from the beer badger last night.
05:38You know, the one that nicks all your money and then cracks it in your mouth.
05:43God, I feel rough.
05:47What the hell happened last night?
05:49I remember snogging Liam and then jumping in pool.
05:52What time do we get to bed?
05:55About half past two.
05:58Jesus!
06:01Morning, lover. You got any mouthwash?
06:09I've got to burn later.
06:11Yes, at two.
06:38I have your problem.
06:40Why do you want to have my problem? You have enough problems of your own.
06:44I know, I just... Have you never heard the phrase, a shoulder to cry on?
06:47No.
06:48Well, it just means I can help you. I can give you a sucker.
06:51Hey, what is this? No sexy in the workplace.
06:54No, no, no, man. I don't mean... I just mean, if you just open up to me...
06:58Oh, that's enough. Excuse me.
07:00I can help you, man. No.
07:02But I can! Hey!
07:04Shut up your arse.
07:06Aish, aish, aish.
07:08Women's.
07:09Let's cheat!
07:10Yeah, she is.
07:12But I'm working with me. Who can blame him?
07:21I'm glad we spruced up for the occasion.
07:23She's obviously got high standards.
07:26She's a classy lady, all right.
07:28You don't get to serve in first class without a certain amount of grooming.
07:33Do you think she'll mind poking back through the curtains into economy?
07:37Only one way to find out.
07:47Come in.
07:50Please take a seat.
07:52Oh, have we come at a bad time?
07:56What do you mean?
07:57Well, all the mess.
07:59What mess?
08:04Ah!
08:06Oh!
08:07Right.
08:09Shall we get straight down to business?
08:11Good idea.
08:12Oh, yes.
08:13Do you want to start with Donald?
08:15And I'll join in when I see an opening.
08:18No, no. I'd like to involve you both from the off.
08:21If you're amenable. Absolutely.
08:23May as well grasp the nettle with both hands.
08:26The fact is, since I arrived here, I've had nothing but bad publicity
08:30from the local press to the internet forums.
08:33Articles such as these have been impairing my plan
08:37to turn the complex around.
08:40The point is, I am being deliberately undermined
08:43and I am determined to crack down on the culprit with all my might.
08:48Do you think this is a role play?
08:51I'm not sure.
08:52As you'll see from the cuttings,
08:54the citizen seems very well informed about our misfortune.
08:58And they all quote a Solana insider as being the source.
09:03You think you have them all?
09:05Exactly. And I want you to help me smoke them all out.
09:09Oh, I want you to smoke?
09:11They do laser removal nowadays.
09:16I've had a flick through the personnel files
09:19and have come up with these suspects.
09:22Mateo Castellanos works mainly in the...
09:24Well, I say he works. He's typically Spanish.
09:27If it isn't siesta or fiesta, he's not interested.
09:30We're familiar with him from previous visits.
09:33Nasty piece of work.
09:35Les Conroy, a.k.a. Leslie,
09:39possibly in league with his son, Liam.
09:42Go on.
09:44Kenneth Dubec runs a Solana sandwich shop.
09:47Go on.
09:49Kenneth Dubec runs a Solana salon,
09:52now unfortunately known as Blow & Go.
09:55We've clashed from day one and I suspect it's personal with him.
09:58I normally get on with the gays.
10:00It's more or less compulsory on the airlines.
10:03But he seems immune to my many charms.
10:07I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
10:10Which, needless to say, wouldn't be very far.
10:13Is she ever going to take her clothes off?
10:17I'm losing the will to wish.
10:21Your mission, should you choose to accept it,
10:24is to gather intelligence on the four of them,
10:27shouldn't take long in his case,
10:29and help me to finger the mole once and for all.
10:32We don't really approve of using animals,
10:35ever since that incident with Big Donner's guinea pig and the cling film.
10:40I'll handle this, Jacqueline, thank you.
10:42I can tell you now we're not interested.
10:45He's a close personal friend of ours
10:48and if you think we're about to go snooping around...
10:51I can offer you a three weeks holiday next year,
10:54plus €200 spending money.
10:56We're in.
11:04You're looking very pleased with yourself.
11:06Like the cat that got the cream, what have you been up to?
11:09I spoke to Troy first thing this morning and we made up.
11:12It's the moment when an argument finally dissipates into the ether.
11:16And you've obviously led a very sheltered life.
11:19And did you tell him all about your shenanigans on the beach?
11:22Yes. I made a clean breast of it.
11:25He just chuckled and said,
11:27well, guess that makes us even then, we both snogged a Spanish waiter.
11:32Troy's been at it as well?
11:34Bloody hell, you're worse than Donald and Jacqueline, you two.
11:37It was the first time we were here.
11:39I caught him in a drunken clinch with Wolverine over there.
11:45What, Mateo?
11:47Yes.
11:49You mean he's a secret whoopsie?
11:52Well, I can't get my head round that.
11:54I think that's pretty much what Troy said.
11:56Weren't you angry with him?
11:58Oh, I was furious. He always knew I had a thing for Hugh Jackman.
12:01But then Troy just made me laugh about it so much I couldn't stay mad at him.
12:04You see, the thing is, when you've been with someone so long,
12:07as I have been, you can overcome these petty arguments
12:10and there's a real foundation keeping things strong.
12:15It's not like some men, you see, who just rush into...
12:26And you're absolutely sure nothing happened?
12:29Yeah, she just fell through the door and onto a couch,
12:31then rolled onto a coffee table.
12:33Then she went into the kitchen five times
12:35before finding the bedroom where she fell between the two beds and into a suitcase.
12:39It was a bit like watching a Norman Wisdom film in slow motion.
12:43And what were you doing all this time?
12:45Laughing.
12:46Mainly.
12:47We had a snog.
12:49But I'd never go out with Sam.
12:51We're more like brother and sister.
12:53She's coming. Listen, we're going to play a little trick on her.
12:56Just go along with whatever I say, all right?
12:58Oh, I don't know, Trudy. It seems a bit cruel.
13:00How dare you do that to my friend?
13:02What?
13:03Tell her what, you little toe rag?
13:05Well, you can get yourself down to the shops and get one.
13:08Do you hear me?
13:09What's going on?
13:10Tell her.
13:11No, I don't want to.
13:13Tell her what you did last night.
13:15No, you tell her!
13:16All right.
13:18He slept with you without protection.
13:20What?
13:21I've told him he is a dirty little scumbag!
13:25No, I never!
13:26What? You never needed it?
13:28Typical man.
13:30Wham, bam, wipe it on the curtains
13:32and leave it to the woman to pick up all the pieces.
13:34Is this truly him?
13:35You've got Venetian blinds!
13:37Oh, God, I don't remember any of this.
13:40I need to sit down.
13:43I've told him to get his arse down the chemist
13:46and pick you up a pregnancy test.
13:48They don't show up this early, do they?
13:50The Spanish ones do. They're extra sensitive.
13:54Go heads off, lad! What are you waiting for?
13:59This is a joke, isn't it?
14:00Are you kidding?
14:01It's the best laugh I've had on holiday.
14:03Only it seems a bit mean.
14:05How dare you!
14:07No, I will not pretend it is all a joke!
14:10Sam is a friend of mine.
14:12Do you have to keep doing that?
14:14It's funny and it makes it more believable.
14:20Girls from Liverpool have a strange sense of humour.
14:31I don't know what to do with myself today.
14:33Go and cut some hairs.
14:35No, Carmen's got that covered.
14:37But I haven't got any appointments until this afternoon.
14:43Oh, I was thinking about taking a stroll in the Old Town tonight,
14:46if you fancy it.
14:47No, it's not possible.
14:48No, there's a new bar opening up called Eat, Drink and Be Merry.
14:51I'm sure I can blag us a couple of tickets for the party.
14:54I've got a very good contact at the Costa Blanca Citizen.
14:57We have an arrangement.
14:58I already say, I cannot do this.
15:00I have to see a man about a duck.
15:02Now, wait, the bar is closed.
15:06Stop it.
15:07You go and book yourself an appointment with Kenneth.
15:10I'll put a tail on the donkey.
15:13OK. Shall I follow him to the gay bar?
15:16If you need to. Roger and out.
15:19No, I don't think it was called that.
15:25Come on, ma'am.
15:26I told Noreen we'd be downstairs by half past.
15:28What's it to do with her?
15:30I've asked her to be a witness.
15:32Oh, makes her come walkabout, has he?
15:34Bloody typical.
15:36I asked him not to come.
15:38I'm not being horrible.
15:40I just want this over and done with.
15:42How do I look?
15:47Good, ma'am.
15:51Like a princess.
15:53Good.
15:54Good.
15:55That's exactly what Mel would have wanted.
15:57You are only doing this for effect, aren't you?
16:00Of course I am.
16:01If I turned up on my wedding day in a swimsuit and wedges,
16:04they'd all smell a rat straight away, wouldn't they?
16:07Now, you go on down. Stop mithering.
16:09I want to get my top knot straight.
16:11All right. Your wish is my command.
16:19Here we go.
16:21Husband number three.
16:23Madge.
16:24Delilah.
16:27Mohammed.
16:34I am doing the right thing, aren't I?
16:36I know you'd have wanted me to have that money.
16:38And whatever I spend it on,
16:40it'll be something in memory of you, my angel.
16:48Now, enough of that.
16:50Not going to do this bloody make-up again,
16:52not for you or any man.
16:55Wish me luck.
17:01Why are we supporting Barcelona?
17:03They stuffed United twice in the Champions League final.
17:05What more do you want?
17:06More like Ronaldo.
17:08Oh, Michael, we've brought you up better than that.
17:12And it's Garby on the ball. Garby takes on Iniesta.
17:15He tricks him and he shoots and he scores for England!
17:20You still got that spending money your mum gave you?
17:23Yeah.
17:24Right, well, go and get yourself a can of pop.
17:26Oh, and while you're there,
17:28get your dad a nice cold pint of lager, good lad.
17:31Such a tight one.
17:32And some nuts!
17:45Got her!
17:47Nick, what are you doing here?
17:49I'm watching the footage series, you.
17:51What's this, a bit of Dutch courage?
17:53Oh, no, it's non-alcoholic.
17:55Don't worry, I won't say anything if you don't.
17:58If I was marrying Madge, I'd want to be half-pissed and all.
18:01And what's this, poor scratchings?
18:03Not very kosher, is it?
18:05That belongs to my friends.
18:07They don't speak English.
18:11I thought you'd hardly been here before.
18:13You make friends quick, don't you?
18:15Yeah, yes, very known as a friendly place.
18:18It certainly is.
18:19Cheers.
18:22I thought you were meant to be on board, cheeky.
18:24I have business.
18:26This is your business?
18:28You're supposed to work here.
18:29I tell you what, lad, if I was running this place...
18:31Luckily, you are not.
18:32What if somebody wants a drink?
18:34You open the bar.
18:36I can't open the bar, man. I'm manning reception.
18:39Oof, I don't think you could man anything, Lady Gagas.
18:42Cheeky soot.
18:44All right, young'un?
18:45Yeah?
18:46Did you have a good night last night?
18:48Why are you interrogating me? I'm not a Nancy War criminal.
18:51SHE SIGHS
19:12Uh-oh, Minerva's not going to like this.
19:16CHEERING
19:20You'd better get going soon, hadn't you?
19:22Yes, must not keep the bride waiting.
19:25Well, you've dug us out of an old mate, I promise you.
19:28If it weren't for that money,
19:30dread to think what would have happened to us.
19:32But Minerva used to own the Benidorm Palace.
19:34He was a very successful businessman.
19:36Yeah, was being the operative word.
19:39When he died, he was in debt up to his little yellow eyeballs, bless him.
19:42Dad.
19:43Oh, cheers, son.
19:45So, Madge is penniless too?
19:47Mm. More or less.
19:49Well, she was till she met you.
19:53Now I... I understand.
19:55I'm relieved you told me this.
19:59I must be going.
20:03Ma'a Salama.
20:04Yeah, same to you, wee nobsome.
20:09Dad. What?
20:10Muhammad's not who he says he is.
20:12He's an hot dog in disguise.
20:14Really?
20:18Excuse me.
20:20Yes, can I help you?
20:22I wish to put my name forward for the karaoke tonight.
20:25Well, that's fine. You'll have your usual table.
20:27No, I mean to sing.
20:29I wish to sing a song in karaoke.
20:31Well, it's normally first come, first served.
20:35It's not like having a hip replacement.
20:37There isn't a nine-month waiting list.
20:40I just wanted to make sure I was chosen.
20:42I've never done this sort of thing before.
20:44Well, I'm surprised you want to now.
20:46If I had it my way, it'd be trained cabaret artists only.
20:50But when in Benidorm...
20:52Precisely.
20:54I've written out the lyrics, if that's any help.
20:56No need. Just have a word with the karaoke host.
20:59He'll sort you out.
21:05There you go.
21:06Ooh, you make Jackie O'Nuttis look like Subo.
21:09Thanks.
21:11Advertising, you know. Reach out to more customers.
21:15Funny you should say that.
21:17I've been promised a quarter page in the cost of Blank A Citizen
21:19for, shall we say, services rendered.
21:21Oh, yeah.
21:22Yeah. It's amazing what some people will do
21:24for free loanlines and a Dutch braid.
21:26See you later.
21:32Want me to take one of you, pet?
21:34Oh, yes, please.
21:37It's just to show Donald where I've had my hair done.
21:40See you, vodka.
21:41Vodka?
21:42There you go.
21:44I'd better get back to work before the Iron Lady spots me.
21:47Bit of a slave driver, is she?
21:49Well, she's firm but fair, like the Japanese.
21:53You could do her job just as easy.
21:56Well, maybe, but only to get him out of stress.
21:59Besides, there's a lot of men who don't like taking orders from a woman, you know.
22:03See you later.
22:10All right.
22:33Quick, Michael.
22:41My pleasure.
23:40Oh, shit.
23:48You all right? See that going?
23:50Yeah, I'm fine.
23:53Shit, yeah, I'm all right.
23:54Where?
23:55Oh, there. Just shake.
24:10Don't hold, please.
24:14You all right, Sam?
24:16Can't go.
24:18Put the tops on.
24:20Imagine a waterfall gushing down into a trickling stream.
24:24You're making me want to go now.
24:26This is the funniest thing ever.
24:29I know.
24:30I know.
24:31I know.
24:32I know.
24:33I know.
24:34I know.
24:35I know.
24:36I know.
24:37I know.
24:38I know.
24:39It's the best thing ever.
24:41She really believes it.
24:42Can we not just tell her it's a wind-up?
24:44I feel rotten.
24:46I'll wait until she does the tests first.
24:48Hey, I can't wait to see her face.
24:57Did you wash your hands?
24:58Yeah.
25:00Good.
25:02Look, Sam, he's gonna stick by you,
25:04whatever happens, aren't you?
25:07Aren't you?
25:08Yes. Yeah.
25:09Good. Cos it's positive.
25:29Do you want to wait inside, ma'am? You can sit down in there.
25:32I'm fine where I am, thank you.
25:34Let them laugh. I'm the one who's going to be 50 grand richer.
25:37You look like the woman in that American comedy in the 1960s.
25:43I dream of Jeannie.
25:45The Addams family.
25:48Give us a ciggy, ma'am.
25:49Now, that's one bad habit I never did take up.
25:53Thank goodness.
25:55It makes your clothes stink, your fingers yellow,
26:00and it fills your lungs up with guitar.
26:04It's two minutes of pleasure, Noreen, and believe me,
26:06I'll take it where I can get it at the moment.
26:08Oh, my God, look what the cat's dragged in.
26:10I thought you weren't coming.
26:13I've got some bad news.
26:14Oh, Christ, what have you done now?
26:15I haven't done anything. Will you give me a chance to explain?
26:20We ran into Mohammed at a bar in town.
26:22Where is he, then?
26:24Madge...
26:25HE SIGHS
26:27He's not coming.
26:29What do you mean, he's not coming?
26:32What have you said to him?
26:33He's a con man. I doubt his name's even Mohammed.
26:35You what? Saw him on the telly. He's an actor.
26:38He was playing a part with us.
26:41He was just after your money.
26:42I haven't got any frigging money.
26:44Yeah, well, he didn't know that, did he?
26:45He thought you were some rich widow,
26:46and if he married you, then you'd have to pay him off to get divorced.
26:49You know, I never trusted him from the moment we set eyes on him.
26:52Oh, and you kept that quiet, didn't you?
26:53No, I never. I said it about 50 times.
26:55You couldn't bear it, could you?
26:56Couldn't bear it that I had a nice young lad wanting to marry me
26:59while you're stuck with that useless streak of piss.
27:01Oh, hang on a minute.
27:02So you poisoned him against me,
27:04made up all those wicked lies.
27:06Look, shall we just go back home, eh?
27:07No. I'm going to find Mohammed,
27:10and he can tell me what's going on, once and for all.
27:15I know where it works. We've followed him.
27:16Come on.
27:17Let's go.
27:19There's no point going down there.
27:20You've got a taxi.
27:21Where did you see it?
27:22It doesn't matter.
27:23Do you know, I've been holding this rise for so long,
27:27I think it's pooped.
27:29Oh, well.
27:30Well, it's not, well, no.
27:32Oh.
27:33Oh, sorry.
27:35HE CHUCKLES
27:43Well, I've been through all the evidence,
27:46and I can honestly say I'm none the wiser.
27:49They all look to be up to no good.
27:52Maybe they're all doing it together, like in that film.
27:56Murder on the Orient Express.
27:58Oh, I was thinking of Grimsby Gangbang.
28:01No, my little grey cells tell me this is the work of an individual.
28:05We've got to go over everything again.
28:07There must be something we missed.
28:09Oh, do we have to?
28:11I'm sweating cobs in here.
28:12No solid leads.
28:14All we need is a deep throat.
28:16I thought you wanted to get on with this.
28:19I mean an informant, a whistleblower.
28:26I say, that's a bit queer.
28:29Take a look at this.
28:32Something here doesn't add up.
28:35Oh, yeah? Eh? You don't think...?
28:38Looks that way.
28:40You go and jump in the bath,
28:42and I'll make a couple of phone calls.
28:43I'll join you presently.
28:45Oh, Donald, you are clever.
28:48Elementary, my dear Jacqueline.
28:51And then there was Kevin, worked at Stalybridge Argos.
28:54Lousy in bed but wonderful breakfasts.
28:56Ah, two birds with one stone.
28:58Could you join me in my private quarters for a quick staff meeting?
29:02Sorry, we're not staff.
29:04Blow and Go is an independent retail outlet.
29:06What I have to say does concern you all the same.
29:09There'll be a glass of tea or peppy
29:11and some pastas sold by Dry Roasted Peanuts.
29:14Oh, she knows my ex-husband.
29:16Are you sure the test was positive?
29:19Well, you saw it. It was definitely a line.
29:23Hiya. Can I sit down?
29:25Yeah. I want to go through a few names with you.
29:28How do you feel about brioche?
29:31You know, like the cake?
29:33Yeah, that's a good one.
29:35How do you feel about the cake?
29:37Yeah, that's a good one.
29:39How do you feel about the cake?
29:41Yeah, that's a good one.
29:43How do you feel about the cake?
29:45You know, like the cake?
29:47I think it's lovely.
29:49Listen, Sam, I've been thinking about the situation and...
29:53I'm going to stick by you.
29:55Whatever you need, I'll support you.
29:57Thanks, Liam.
29:59But I won't live in sin. You know that, don't you?
30:02What?
30:04You want to get married?
30:06I wouldn't rush into things if I were you.
30:08Why not?
30:10Well, how does he even know if the baby's his?
30:13Are you calling me a slag?
30:15No. Well, if it was Liam's,
30:17it wouldn't show up on a test the day after.
30:20You said it would.
30:22I was joking. He didn't even sleep with you.
30:25We were having you on.
30:27Is this true?
30:29She made me do it.
30:31I thought it'd be funny.
30:33Sam, I'm so sorry.
30:35And I'm really gutted for you, but...
30:38that baby's not Liam's.
30:40What?
30:42Then it must be Charlie's, then.
30:45Who's Charlie?
30:47Her.
30:49Do you two think I was born yesterday?
30:52I heard you whispering and giggling behind my back all afternoon.
30:55Some friend you turned out to be.
30:57I met Charlie in the bogs by the pool
30:59and she gave me a cup of her pee to do the test with.
31:02The joke's on you dickheads.
31:05So you don't want to marry me, then?
31:07Not in a million years.
31:09Cheers!
31:11You were double bluffing us!
31:14That's class, girl.
31:16What about her? Was she the one that thought of it?
31:19Who got you that drink?
31:21You did? Yeah.
31:23I brought the glass down with me from our bathroom.
31:26And guess what was in that glass earlier this afternoon?
31:29Thought you liked taking the piss, Trudy.
31:32Another round?
31:41Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an unforgettable night
31:45for the whole family.
31:48A trip to a crossroads of the Middle Ages.
31:51Where the bloody hell are we?
31:53It's like Disneyland in the olden days.
31:56Travel back in time to a medieval court
31:59and watch brave knights fight for the honour of their queen.
32:03Hey, they've got a torture chamber disco downstairs.
32:07Does that mean you're doing the karaoke?
32:09Ah, bloody hell. Four, please.
32:11Cheers, cop. Come on, let's go.
32:40CHEERING
32:45Right, keep your eyes peeled for Mohammed.
32:47He's probably a waiter.
32:51Could be a knight.
32:52More like one of the bloody horses.
32:54Keep looking.
33:05So, do you think there is any inheritance money?
33:08Or did he make it all up?
33:09What the bloody hell should I know?
33:11Do I look like Doris Stokes?
33:13Don't.
33:20He had Mel's cigarette case, that's all I know.
33:23He didn't find that in the street, did he?
33:25How do you know?
33:28Dad. What?
33:31The aimer.
33:36So, he was working here all along.
33:40Oh, the cheating bastard!
33:44Here, you!
33:46Where's my bloody money?
33:49Ow!
33:51Man, come back here!
33:54Where's my Mel's money? Where is my Mel's money?
34:01Whoa!
34:07You bastard!
34:09Oh, bitches!
34:12You can't get the better of me!
34:19Come here, you!
34:21Yee-haw!
34:28Come here, you! Come on!
34:30After you!
34:32Come to me!
34:34Come to me!
34:36I thought you'd get through to me!
34:39Come on, buddy, save me!
34:41Come back here!
34:46So, this is how the other horse lived.
34:49Really nice.
34:51Mind you, a quick blast around with the Dyson wouldn't have gone amiss.
34:54Are you coveting my apartment, Leslie?
34:56Or are you coveting my position, perhaps?
34:59Sherry?
35:01Why do you have photos of us?
35:03Oh, I know, it's Employee of the Month.
35:05I bet one of us is in line for a bonus.
35:07Not quite.
35:09More guests.
35:11Sorry we're late.
35:13Just tying up a few loose ends.
35:15What are they doing here?
35:17I thought this was a meeting for staff only.
35:19They are staff, in a manner of speaking.
35:21You see, I've become aware during my brief spell in charge here
35:24that somebody in this room is trying to undermine my position.
35:28So, Joyce asked us to carry out an investigation
35:31as to who the mole might be.
35:33And we've made a few surprising discoveries along the way.
35:37Oh, this is crazy talk.
35:39I don't have to stay here and listen to this.
35:41Oh, that's a shame,
35:43because we've got some really good photographs to show everyone.
35:46What photographs?
35:48The ones you paid Officer Martinez 250 euros
35:51to keep out of the public domain.
35:54But sadly, you are closing the stable door
35:57once the horse, he has shot his boat.
36:00You don't understand. My wife, she must never see these pictures.
36:03We were quite surprised when we saw them.
36:05And we're broad-minded.
36:07Oi, what you been up to, you mucky mare?
36:10I told you already, do not poke around in my business.
36:13It is all your fault anyway.
36:15This!
36:17Ha-ha-ha!
36:19Oh, I haven't got my glasses. Is it Barbara Streisand?
36:22No, this is a different kind of funny girl.
36:24I'd heard he was 50% Colwyn Bay.
36:26Our friend here was arrested last year for soliciting.
36:30It was a misunderstanding.
36:32I think you look lovely.
36:34Yes, and at least you can't get hurt in the family way.
36:38No, it wasn't me.
36:40It wasn't you who bought the pregnancy testing kit
36:43from the pharmacier at 13.46 today.
36:47You dropped the receipt in reception.
36:49Well, yeah, that was me, but it was just a joke.
36:51We were winding some up. It was nothing sinister.
36:54And what other jokes have you been playing, I wonder?
36:57No, you'll leave my son out of this or else...
36:59Or else what? You'll go to the press?
37:01Perhaps you should have a word with Kenneth in that case.
37:04He's very chummy with the advertising director
37:07of the Costa Blanca Citizen, n'est-ce pas?
37:10What? We just talk about a job, that's all.
37:12All right, you've proved your point.
37:14We've all got an axe to grate.
37:16Yes, but only one of you was caught holding a smoking gun.
37:25All right, we've scared him off.
37:26Now, can we just go back to the hotel and phone the police?
37:29No, we can't. I want some answers.
37:31I don't think there are any, ma'am.
37:33He was just a con man playing on a rich widow.
37:36Right, well, I'll skin him alive if I find him.
37:39You're in the right place for it.
37:41Look at all this stuff. It's like Donald and Jacqueline Sparrow.
37:44Oh, how many times, ma'am?
37:46You can't smoke inside. They've changed the law.
37:57Oh, you've got some explaining to do, sunshine.
38:00Please, I'm sorry.
38:02What were you playing at?
38:04Have you got Mel's money on, haven't you? No more lies.
38:08There is no money.
38:11My cousin used to work in Benidorm Palace. He told me all about Mel.
38:15That he was a very generous man.
38:17Hey! We said no more lies.
38:19Then I hear that Madge is back in Benidorm,
38:21and I start to think, if we get married,
38:23that maybe we can share some of Mel's fortune.
38:26I didn't realise he died of paupers.
38:28Pauper! You used me.
38:31The wages here are very poor. The English do not tip.
38:34I'll give you a tip. Don't mess with the Garveys.
38:37This woman's been through enough past couple of years.
38:39It's all right, Mick. I'll deal with him.
38:43What are you going to do?
38:45I am going to get medieval on your arse.
38:57One of the most annoying things about a hairdresser's, Kenneth,
39:01is how out of date the magazines are.
39:03Out of date the magazines can be.
39:05This copy of Take A Break magazine is from September 2005.
39:12Yet I can see Carmen was enjoying reading it this afternoon.
39:17In English.
39:19No, no English.
39:21She's probably just looking at the pictures.
39:23She managed to have a go at the crossword too.
39:25So I did a little background check,
39:27and Carmen's father is indeed Spanish.
39:30I'm surprised to find out who her mother is.
39:33Would you like to tell everybody?
39:36Don't just sit there. Come on, get after her.
39:44Sweet Caroline
39:48Your times never seemed so good
39:52Hello, Noreen. How are you?
39:54I'm wiped out.
39:56I've been a witness at six weddings today.
39:59Six?
40:00Yes. Janice asked me to match his wedding,
40:04but the groom never showed up.
40:07So I just stung around and got roped in for the next one,
40:11and the one after that.
40:13There were five proper weddings,
40:16and one lesbian one.
40:18Margarita and Natalia.
40:21You probably know them.
40:23Yes, because all gay people live in one big happy international utopia.
40:28That's what I thought.
40:30Listen, I wonder if you could do me a favour.
40:33When I get on stage, I'd like you to dial Troy's number
40:37and hold the phone up so he can hear me.
40:40Could you not let us ignore?
40:42I want to surprise him.
40:44Oh, thank you, Derek.
40:46And next up, we have Gavin. Where is Gavin?
40:50Um, I've never done this before, so I hope you'll all bear with me.
40:54And I just wanted to sing a song from my husband,
40:58who's back in the UK.
41:05For once in my life
41:07I've got someone who needs me
41:10Someone I've needed so long
41:14For once unafraid
41:16I can go where life leads me
41:20And somehow I know I'll be strong
41:24For once I can touch
41:27What my heart used to dream of
41:30Long before I knew
41:36Someone warm like you
41:40Someone warm like you
41:44Could make my dreams come true
41:49For once in my life
41:52I won't let sorrow hurt me
41:55Not like it's hurt me before
41:59For once I can touch
42:02What my heart used to dream of
42:06And there's only one way
42:10For once I can say
42:12This is mine
42:14Take it
42:15As I know
42:17Ain't a lie
42:18I'll make it
42:20Oh, no, you don't.
42:23How are you going to tell us who you've been working for?
42:26Come on, Missy.
42:36PHONE RINGS
42:40Carmen, where the fricking hell have you been?
42:43I've been skulking round this back alley
42:45like some ten-euro Poniente prostitute.
42:48Not Carmen, I'm afraid.
42:50Joyce Temple Savage.
42:52And I'm the Solana manageress.
42:55And there's me thinking
42:57they've just brought out some life-size menopause Barbie.
43:01I see you've got the frittles with you as well.
43:04Enjoying your holiday?
43:05Oh, yes.
43:07Sorry.
43:08Game's up, Janie.
43:09We all know about your little scheme.
43:11Your daughter's been passing on privileged information
43:14and you have been using it to bismerge my good character.
43:18You what?
43:19She only works in a hairdresser's.
43:21She hasn't signed the Official Secrets Act.
43:24And it's not my fault if Fat Jedward couldn't give his job shut.
43:28It's industrial espionage, Janie.
43:31You wanted the hotel to lose business
43:33so that headquarters would fire me,
43:35come to you on bended knees begging to reinstate you.
43:38And you'd have gotten away with it too
43:40if it wasn't for us pesky swingers.
43:45Carmen didn't want to do it
43:47so she shouldn't get into trouble because of me.
43:50Why, Janie?
43:51I thought you'd had a transfer
43:53to a nice little three-star in Marbella.
43:56Because I hated it.
43:58It was all tit-chops and designer sunglasses, all for show.
44:02I never thought I'd say this, but...
44:04I miss Benidorm.
44:06I miss the early tattooed arms
44:08and the beer bellies with Operation Scars.
44:10And that's just the women.
44:12I miss the families sitting outside with the mug of Tetley's,
44:15watching Connie in the vests.
44:17I know it's cheap and tacky.
44:19Sometimes it makes you cringe a bit, but at least it's real.
44:24I'm sorry.
44:26I didn't mean to cause you any problems.
44:29I just wanted to come back, that was all.
44:32You can come back. We do.
44:34Every year for over 20 years.
44:37It's called a holiday.
44:39You're joking, aren't you?
44:41I wouldn't come here on holiday.
44:43Have you seen the state of some of the people?
44:45I'm not going to take this any further,
44:47on condition that your contact at the Costa Blanca Citizen
44:52gives us a glowing report in the next edition.
44:55I'll see what I can do.
44:57Come on.
44:59For once I can say this is mine
45:03You can't take it
45:05Long as I know I've got love
45:08I can make it
45:10For once in my life
45:12I've got someone
45:14Ah! Ah!
45:16Oh, it's got heavy.
45:18I've found someone
45:20There you are!
45:22For once in my life
45:24For once in my life
45:26I've got someone
45:28Who needs me
45:41Troy? Troy, did you get that?
45:45Oh.
45:47I'm sorry.
45:49Wrong number.
45:54Wrong number.