According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
00:30The funny thing's, tolls, when you think about it, aren't they?
00:47And the moment is ruined.
00:50I mean, you've got ten of them, like little fingers. You can't do anything with them,
00:55can you?
00:56Mm.
00:58There was a fella in Ireland, did paintings with his. He won an Oscar for it. I don't
01:04think I could paint a picture with my feet, do you, Mick?
01:07Mm.
01:08Like ten little sausages. Imagine if they were all joined together, they'd be like two
01:13big chops. Is that why they call them plates of meat? Is it, Mick?
01:21It's rhyming slang.
01:22What?
01:23Plates of meat, feet.
01:25Oh, yeah. Rhyming slang. Do you know any more?
01:29Yeah. Shut the book up.
01:31Shut the book... Oh, that's nice. Well, we can sit here in silence all morning, if that's
01:39what you want.
01:40Oh, finally.
01:41Jan?
01:42Janice, I'm sorry, all right?
01:56It's just, I've had a lot of stress with the sunbed shop burning down and everything,
01:59and this is my one chance to relax before it all kicks off again.
02:02Janice. Come on, tell me about your toes.
02:10Well, I was just saying, imagine if all your toes were fused together.
02:20Oh, for Christ's sake.
02:21You asked me to...
02:23Oh, God, mother, what's she playing at?
02:27I thought Borat was meant to be going home today.
02:29He was. I think my mother's taking a shine to him. She's like one of them older women
02:35that go out with younger men. The cougar.
02:38Cougar? More like Freddy Kruger.
02:41Oh, my God, I think I've come to the wrong place. Oh, excuse me, love, could you tell
03:02me where the Solana is, please?
03:03Oh, Kelly, you're so funny.
03:05Somebody's in a good mood. What's the occasion? A boots in a three for two on frosted peach
03:10lipstick.
03:11We've had the most fabulous bit of news.
03:13You're being transferred to Falaraki.
03:15No, cheeky. A contact of mine now works for the British Olympic Association.
03:20There's a swimming event in Valencia tomorrow. Guess where Team GB is staying?
03:26Not here. They're putting on a display in our pool tonight.
03:29They're exciting. The great and good of Benidorm High Society are attending the gala tonight,
03:36including the deputy mayor.
03:38Synchronised swimming? Boring. A load of teens with pegs on their noses splashing about in
03:43the shallowing? No, thanks.
03:44Hey, there's a lot of work dancing to them routines, Kenneth. You'll mark my words. I
03:49mean, from the waist up, it's all grace and elegance, but down below, they're thrashing
03:54about like a bag of cats in a canal, man.
04:01I say, that's a nifty-looking set of wheels, Madge.
04:07Tandoori Tandem. Only one in Benidorm. We wanted to have a stroll on the promenade,
04:13so I hired it for the day. This is Mr. Mohamed. He was a friend of Mel's from Morocco.
04:20Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. Good to know you.
04:23What's that of him?
04:24Masalama.
04:25Ah, you speak Arabic.
04:28Donald spent a bit of time in Tangiers last year on a, well, let's say, canoeing expedition.
04:36You picked it up there, didn't you?
04:38From your accent, I'd say you came from the southwest of the country.
04:43I live in Marrakesh, but my family's from Casablanca.
04:46Ah.
04:47Who loves ya, baby?
04:49Ah, he's looking at you, kid.
04:53Donald, stop it. Honestly, you'll flirt with anyone.
04:58I'll see you later.
05:00Bye.
05:02Alureed Dajaja Leila.
05:06What's he say?
05:08Translates as, I feel like chicken tonight.
05:10I bet he does a mucky Arab.
05:13No offence.
05:18Pack your stuff up, Queen, because we are going on a trip.
05:21How do you mean?
05:22I've booked us on a booze cruise.
05:24Booze cruise?
05:27We drop the anchor, you get wankers.
05:31Subtle.
05:32Oh, come on, Sam. It'll be fun.
05:35You know, I woke up this morning wondering if the bric-a-brac market was on.
05:39So?
05:40I'm starting to think like an old person.
05:42No, you're right. We should get out for a bit.
05:44I've just been playing shag, marry, kill round the pool,
05:47and I'm currently serving 27 life sentences for murder.
05:50Exactly. It comes to something when the nearest thing to eye candy
05:54is real Queen Biddy over there.
05:57I think he fancies you.
05:59He's like a shaved polar bear.
06:04What about Liam? He's young.
06:06What?
06:07Little Ron Weasley.
06:10You fancy him, don't you?
06:12Get lost!
06:14Natalie thought he was cute in a some-mothers-do-have-him sort of way, but...
06:18He's not my type at all.
06:20Come on, then. You can help me pick out a thong and sarong combo.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:33You know the Olympic Games?
06:35Aye.
06:36What do all the rings stand for?
06:38Oh, it's the five different continents.
06:41Yellow's for Australia, cos they get a lot of sun.
06:44Blue's for the Antarctic, cos it's so cold.
06:47Black's Africa, for obvious reasons.
06:50Here's just red, cos it's full of communists.
06:54And green's America, something to do with the dollar.
06:58You miss Europe out?
07:00Oh, I think Europe might have joined quite late.
07:03Kenneth, what do the five different coloured rings represent?
07:07Mykonos, 1989.
07:10Ooh, what an oldie that was.
07:12The Olympic rings were designed in 1912 by Pierre de Coubertin,
07:16father of the modern Olympiad.
07:18De Coubertin also coined the Olympic motto,
07:21sitius, altius, fortius.
07:23Faster, higher, stronger!
07:25Thank you, girls. Rest easy.
07:27Bloody hell, it's the Hitler Youth.
07:29Stand up, boy, when your elders enter a room.
07:32Hazel McCafferty, could you tell the manager I wish to speak with him, please?
07:36Oh, it's a she.
07:38Would you tell the manager I wish to speak with him, please, madam?
07:41No, no, I meant the manager. It's a she.
07:44I am so sorry.
07:46Joyce Temple Savage, Solana Manager, SU, must be Hazel.
07:50That is correct. I won't touch you. I'm hapnophobic.
07:53What starage is this hotel?
07:56I beg pardon?
07:58How many stars do you have?
08:00We are what is known in the hotel industry as four-star pending.
08:05So three stars.
08:07Girls, we are leaving.
08:09Is there a problem?
08:11We are preparing for the London Olympic Games.
08:14We are not a school trip or a hen party.
08:17It is paramount that my girls have first-class accommodation and facilities,
08:21and I don't see that here in your establishment.
08:23Put the leaflet down, Hermione.
08:26We are here in Spain to compete,
08:28not to throw ourselves down a rusty metal chute
08:30into a pool of hepatitis-filled slime.
08:32I'm sorry. We shan't be staying.
08:34Let's not get off under the wrong foot, Miss McCafferty.
08:39I have allocated your girls executive twin rooms.
08:44I have also upgraded you to the luxurious El Presidente suite.
08:49There's a honeymoon couple just checked in.
08:51They've just cancelled.
08:53I can also offer you a free beauty treatment at our in-house salon,
08:58where you'll be attended to by our very own Kenneth.
09:02Excuse me?
09:03I'll need exclusive use of the pool for training purposes.
09:06I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
09:08Very well.
09:09Girls, check in and go to your rooms.
09:11Practice will begin at 1100 hours sharp.
09:13We'll see how we get on.
09:15Excuse me?
09:16I can assure you, Miss McCafferty, you have an excellent stay here at the salon,
09:20and your girls will be perfectly safe with us at all times.
09:23I wish to report an abduction and an attempted sexual assault.
09:47Yes, my love?
09:48Just a coffee, son.
09:50Strong and black.
09:52Ah, someone has been burning the candle in both ends.
09:55I was in town last night with Gavin,
09:58the gentleman who's here on his own,
10:01and we must have had the friendliest taxi driver in all of Benidorm.
10:07He invited us to a party with some of his friends,
10:11and we played the funniest game of blind man's buff.
10:16What is blind man buff?
10:18Well, you tie somebody up,
10:20and then you try to feel one another.
10:24But in Spain, they play it with a full leather mask on.
10:30And then to make it harder,
10:33everybody took their clothes off.
10:39Oh, what a scream.
10:43Ta-ra.
10:44Ta-ra.
10:46Mateo, I want you to help me get everyone out of the pool.
10:49Is there a problem?
10:50The swimmers are here, and they want to practice for tonight.
10:54Wow, wow, wow, wow.
10:59Are you sure these girls are English?
11:01Well, they're British. Why?
11:03They do not have ass like jelly.
11:06Mateo, they're athletes,
11:07and if you can stop slavering like a dog at a barbecue,
11:10you might have the honor of seeing them in action.
11:13I empty pool.
11:16Excuse me, everybody, get out of the pool.
11:18Quick, quick, you need to get out. Choppy, choppy.
11:21Evacuate the pool as soon as possible.
11:24Our Olympic sportswomen need the pool for training purposes.
11:28And I'm sure you won't mind vacating the pool for just a moment.
11:32Thank you for your indulgence.
11:34This is Joyce Temple Savage signing out.
11:38Bloody cheek.
11:39You pay for all inclusive,
11:41then they turf you out the pool
11:43so a load of hairy lesbians can swill their sweaty gussets.
11:47They're very graceful athletes.
11:49Oh, beautiful.
11:51I could watch it all day long.
12:01So Mel was in business with your old man, was he, Mohammed?
12:05He means your father.
12:07That is correct, yes.
12:08And it's Mr. Mohammed to you.
12:10Eh?
12:11His name's the same as his second name.
12:13That's what they do in Morocco, isn't it, Mohammed?
12:15Yes, but not Christian name.
12:17So what is your Christian name, then?
12:19I do not have one.
12:20So your middle name's Mohammed?
12:22It is my given name and my family name.
12:24Mohammed, Mohammed?
12:26Mohammed, Mohammed.
12:27It is my father's name and his father before that.
12:29Bloody hell.
12:30I bet it's fun handing out the presents around your house on Christmas Day.
12:34They don't have Christmas, do they?
12:35They have, what's it, Passover?
12:37Ramadan.
12:38That's it?
12:39How would you celebrate that?
12:41From dawn to sunset for one month,
12:43we must refrain from eating and drinking and sexual relations.
12:48Jesus.
12:49I couldn't go without food for a month.
12:51I've always said we could learn a thing or two from the Muslims.
12:56When have you ever said that?
12:58They look after their old people.
13:00You'd never see a Muslim grandmother left to fend for herself.
13:03They get included.
13:05You get included, ma'am.
13:07You'd always come in on holiday with us.
13:09A week in Benidorm and that's your duty done for the year.
13:12Is that what you think?
13:13I didn't say that.
13:14If we were Muslimic, you'd have me living with you in your house.
13:18Where's all this come from, Mother?
13:20You were perfectly happy last night.
13:22What's got into you?
13:23Oh, don't worry.
13:24I'll be out of your hair soon enough.
13:27Come along, Mohammed.
13:28I'd like to show you the Benidorm Palace.
13:31And I can see we're not wanted here.
13:33Thank you, but first I must pray.
13:36Please, do you know which way is to Mecca?
13:38Oh, don't worry about that.
13:40They have bingo on here later.
13:42Come on, follow me.
13:48What was all that about?
13:50God knows.
14:06Is everything to your satisfaction, Hazel?
14:09Just as I thought.
14:1021 degrees.
14:12An Olympic pool must be heated to a minimum of 25 to 28 degrees.
14:16And it'll be even colder tonight.
14:18Well, it'll just make them kick a bit harder, won't it?
14:22Watch your splits, Madeleine.
14:25You need a cleaner entry, Evie.
14:27I can still see ripples.
14:29Ah, yes.
14:30That is because the water is cold.
14:33Hazel, I've been thinking.
14:35While we pamper you this afternoon,
14:37the girls might like to go and do a bit of sightseeing.
14:40They must be sick of being stuck in a pool hours and hours.
14:43Out of the question.
14:45I couldn't possibly let them go out in Benidorm.
14:47God knows what they might pick up.
14:49No, no.
14:50I was thinking of Calpe or Altea.
14:52Nice little Spanish towns where they won't see any trouble.
14:55Well, anything to get them out of this wretched slum of a place.
14:59Well, anything to get them out of this wretched slum
15:02but I shall need to accompany them at all times.
15:04Oh, nonsense.
15:05You stay here and relax.
15:07I have got a member of staff who's a very able chaperone.
15:10Mateo.
15:11Si.
15:12Go and fetch Liam.
15:13I've got a job for him.
15:16They're very good, aren't they?
15:24My dearest Troy,
15:26I didn't think I could bear to see your face when I tell you this
15:29so I'm taking the coward's way out and writing it down.
15:34I've been a fool and can only beg that you will,
15:38will
15:39one
15:40day
15:43forgive
15:44me.
15:47Yoo-hoo!
15:49Anybody home?
15:56Hello, love.
15:59I found this...
16:06I'm sorry.
16:07I just wanted to return this one to you.
16:10I'll have you know that notepaper was laid ivory.
16:13It's almost one pound a sheet.
16:15Oh, heck.
16:18Now, please, just leave me alone.
16:20All right.
16:23I am sorry.
16:26Oh.
16:33It's stuck.
16:51There you go.
16:52What did I tell you?
16:54Wow.
16:55I'd forgotten what real men look like.
16:56Looks like there's ten times more guys than girls, you know.
17:05Thank you, darling.
17:06I'll stick this wristband on you.
17:08All your drinks are included.
17:10Nice one.
17:11Are they named Spirits?
17:12Well, they've got names.
17:13Have you got any Grey Goose Vodka?
17:15I've got Grey Squirrel.
17:16I could have a Quack Daniels and Coke.
17:20You get what you pay for, love?
17:21Oh, yeah.
17:22What's your gin?
17:23Pork Eater?
17:24But you might be after a few glasses of it.
17:29Sorry, darling.
17:3018 to 30's only.
17:31You what?
17:33I can't let you on if you're over 30, company policy.
17:35Cheeky sod.
17:36I've got a ticket.
17:37Well, your rep should have told you.
17:38It's in the small print.
17:39She is 30 anyway.
17:41Yeah, all right.
17:42I am.
17:43I've just had a hard life.
17:45What year were you born, then?
17:471989.
17:49Biggie, what, 23?
17:50Life's not that hard, sweetheart.
17:53Look, just because I'm slightly older
17:56doesn't mean I can't party down with the rest of the kids.
18:01What was the last tune you downloaded?
18:03It was Spandau Valley.
18:05You're not really helping yourself, sweetheart.
18:07Oh, come on.
18:08Let her on.
18:09She's always looked ten years older than she is.
18:11Thanks, Queen.
18:12All right, fine.
18:13We won't go.
18:15Thanks for nothing, mate.
18:16And if we don't get a full refund,
18:17I won't be the only one in Benidorm with a broken arm.
18:20Ignorant tosser.
18:21It's all right, Sam.
18:22You go and have a good time.
18:23I'll catch up with you later.
18:27Are you sure?
18:28Yeah, I'm sure.
18:30See ya.
18:33Woo!
18:52Oh, look!
18:53There's Gavin waving!
18:57Come down!
18:58You're missing the synchronised swimming!
19:01Aw, he's not bothered, bless him.
19:05I never had him down as a sporty type, to be honest.
19:08Did you?
19:09Well, we can't all be blessed with an athlete's physique.
19:13You do a lot of sporting, do you?
19:15Yes, we can often be found in the weightlifting suite
19:18of the Tees Valley gym and sauna, can't we, darling?
19:22Yes, Donald wipes the floor at the over-50s clean and jerk.
19:26And Jacqueline Snatch has to be seen to be believed.
19:30I don't doubt it!
19:42Sit down, love, you'll do yourself a mischief.
19:46Why is everybody ignoring me?
19:48Am I invisible or something?
19:50Who said that?
19:51I got you.
19:52This is ridiculous.
19:53There's got to be something we can do.
19:55Just a minute.
20:01Ta-da!
20:03What was it Jean-Paul Sartre said?
20:05Hell is other people.
20:06Oh, I know.
20:07Good job it's just the two of us.
20:12Come on, rack up.
20:21So this is the lovely town of Calpe.
20:24This is where the local fishermen come with their fish
20:27to sell to the local restaurants here
20:30so that they can sell it to us as food.
20:34I don't know whether any of you have ever had crabs
20:37but these are meant to be some of the nicest ones
20:40what people have ever tasted.
20:44Michael, there are other types of seafood here.
20:48There are other types of seafood here
20:52including prawns,
20:56little baby octopuses.
20:58They look like they do boat trips.
21:06It's no good.
21:07I can't think of anything to say.
21:09Oh, you're doing really well.
21:10Am I?
21:11Yeah.
21:12Oh, they haven't paid, have they?
21:13So what are they going to do?
21:14Ask for their money back?
21:18Girls?
21:20No girls!
21:24What are you doing?
21:25This isn't on the itinerary.
21:26Yeah, I know.
21:27We're going off feast.
21:29Come on, it'll be a laugh.
21:31I don't know.
21:32Excuse me?
21:33Yes, mate?
21:34Do you actually go out to sea?
21:35No.
21:36No, we go inland from here up the hills near Altea.
21:39Oh, well I don't think that'll be safe.
21:40I'm taking the piss, mate.
21:41We go out by the rock, four hours all inclusive.
21:44Do you actually provide refreshments?
21:4745 euros all in.
21:48They'll not leave thirsty, I promise you that.
21:50There's eight of us.
21:51Is that all right?
21:52Oh, it's the best kind of party.
21:54Welcome aboard.
21:57Here you go, sweetheart.
21:58Whoa!
21:5918 to 30, son.
22:01I am 18.
22:03Date of birth?
22:0413th May 1972.
22:10I bet your maths teacher's a bit shit, isn't she?
22:12Oh, yeah.
22:13His proper stricture makes us do fractions.
22:16Hmm.
22:19Sorry, son.
22:23I can't really leave the girls on their own, so...
22:26Will you be all right here for four hours?
22:28Or do you want to go back?
22:29Psst!
22:30Eh?
22:32Come on, Ed!
22:33I'll get him on the boat, don't you worry.
22:35I've got a plan.
22:36I'm not sure.
22:38Michael?
22:39Michael!
22:40I forbid you!
22:42Michael!
22:44Well, be careful!
22:46OK.
22:49Wristband.
22:50OK.
22:51Take it.
22:52OK.
22:54And where are those damn cleaners when you need them?
22:56They're always poking their noses in when it's not convenient,
22:59but when it could finally be of some use,
23:01they're harder to get hold of than a greased pig!
23:03Oh, that reminds me, I could ring our Jeff.
23:06But...
23:08If you've had a phone all this time,
23:09why didn't you call the hotel and get them to send somebody up?
23:12I haven't got very much battery left.
23:16And besides, it costs a fortune to ring Spain on an English mobile.
23:21Psh! Psh! Psh!
23:23Hello, Jeff!
23:25It's me, your mother.
23:28I'm very good.
23:29How are you, son?
23:32Oh!
23:33Congratulations!
23:36It's guessed the countdown conundrum.
23:39Now, listen.
23:41I'm going to say this very quickly
23:45because I haven't got much time.
23:48I'm sitting here on a balcony with Gavin.
23:53He's one of that nice couple
23:56that helped me do YMCA at your coming-out party.
24:01Remember?
24:03Oh, I don't know.
24:05I'll ask him.
24:06Are you the fat one or the thin one?
24:09I was formerly the fat one, but as you can see, I...
24:11Yes, the fat one.
24:14Well, anyway, you'll never believe
24:17what happened to us last night.
24:20We sent for a taxi,
24:22we got in,
24:24and we fastened our seatbelts.
24:27I can't go any faster.
24:29He'll think I'm having a stroke.
24:31Well, just give me that.
24:35Hello?
24:36Uh, could you please...
24:38Hello?
24:41The battery's gone dead!
24:43Oh, Blither,
24:44I wanted to know if Deidre had had her highlights done.
24:48Oh!
24:51What did you do that for?
24:54I was just going to charge it up.
25:13Where's our Michael got to?
25:15Don't know.
25:16Said he were going to knock about with that Liam.
25:18Oh, I don't like not knowing where he is.
25:20Text him and tell him we're going up to the room.
25:22He's not even had his dinner.
25:23Oh, Jan, you've got to give him a bit of space.
25:26He's a teenager now.
25:27He won't want to be sitting with us all the time.
25:29It was exactly the same with our Chantel.
25:31One minute it was,
25:32Mummy, can you plait me hair?
25:33The next it's, can I get a tattoo?
25:35And, ooh, oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.
25:38Wish I could.
25:41I'm pregnant.
25:43Wish I could get a tattoo.
25:44No, you can't.
25:45You'll regret it when you're older.
25:46I am older.
25:47You never let me do anything.
25:49Oh, shut up.
25:53Come on.
25:56What's the matter?
25:57It never bloody comes.
25:58I mean, what's the matter with you?
26:00Nothing.
26:07A couple of years ago,
26:08there was seven of us on this holiday.
26:10Now Chantel and Coolio have moved out.
26:12Mel's gone.
26:13Michael's growing up.
26:15Well, that's just life.
26:17It's not a personal vendetta against you.
26:19I know, but
26:21I just don't know what there's left for me to do.
26:24I'm scared I'll turn into my mother.
26:26You're scared?
26:27I'm bloody petrified.
26:29Just text him for me and tell him to come home.
26:31I've already done it.
26:33I do love you, McGarvey.
26:35Oh, yeah, yeah.
26:36Come on.
26:37Let's get up to the room.
26:39I'll give you some tips on how you can spend the next 25 years.
26:42Next 25 minutes, you mean?
26:4425 minutes?
26:45It's not your bloody birthday.
27:09Excuse me.
27:10Is it possible for the refreshments to be served soon?
27:12All right, mate.
27:13Steady on.
27:14It's just a set-off.
27:15It's just that my girls are getting dehydrated
27:17and I promised to look after them.
27:19Your girls, eh?
27:20What are you?
27:21Are you, like, the pimp?
27:22Or a taxi driver?
27:23Am I going to have to go all Robert De Niro on you?
27:25I'm sorry.
27:26Are you talking to me?
27:28Yeah.
27:29Very funny.
27:30No, don't worry, Snoop Dogg.
27:32I'll have your girls hydrated, all right?
27:34Oh, thanks.
27:35What's the matter with you?
27:37Oh, thanks.
27:38What are they?
27:39These are called leg openers.
27:41A couple of these, they'll be on the deck.
27:43Ankles in the air.
27:44Imagine you can say, man the lifeboats.
27:46That's perfect, because they need to keep their legs up.
27:48That's their job.
27:50Of course it is, sunshine.
27:52Of course it is.
27:55Lovely Carmen.
27:59I thought she had a touch phobia.
28:02Depends who's touching her, obviously.
28:04If this event goes well tonight,
28:06we'll be one step closer to that fourth star.
28:09That'll be my gold medal.
28:11And I'll be able to pass this torch on to somebody else.
28:14Fingers crossed, then.
28:19Mateo, is that the Prosecco for tonight?
28:21Si, I'll take her outside.
28:23You're not still sulking, are you?
28:25Yes, it's unfair.
28:27I am senior to Liam, yet he gets to go out with the chicas
28:30while I'm here humping boxes.
28:33I can hardly let you go with them.
28:35It'll be like putting a mongoose in charge of a whole load of chickens.
28:38And at least with Liam, I know they'll stay out of trouble.
29:03Here.
29:05This one's called the Smurf's Cock.
29:07I think because it's blue.
29:09Well, it's the best offer I've had since I've been here.
29:11Cheers.
29:15Funny we should bump into each other out here, isn't it?
29:18Of all the parties on all the boats in all the world,
29:21you happen to walk into this one.
29:24I used to love Cracker Jack.
29:28Oh, yeah.
29:30Oh, yeah.
29:32And thanks for bringing a load of teenage Olympic athletes with you and all.
29:35That's really helped me out.
29:42So you're not pulled, then?
29:44No.
29:46We're all self-indulgent tossers.
29:48Besides, it's quite hard selling yourself as a sexy playmate
29:51when your arm's encased in plaster.
29:53Marks you out as being different.
29:55Most men don't want different.
29:57They want clones.
30:00And what about you?
30:02What do you want?
30:04I want a Nintendo 3DS
30:06when my dad keeps telling me to look at my old Nintendo and squint.
30:08I mean, what do you want in a girl?
30:10Dunno.
30:12Someone funny.
30:14Vivacious.
30:16Someone different.
30:23Hope Michael's all right.
30:25Wonder where he is.
30:27Don't fret. Trudy'll look after him.
30:29I can smell something fishy.
30:31Oh, that might be me.
30:33It's dead hot under here.
30:35Let's go and have a look. I'm gasping for a bevy.
30:37Come on, Benidorm!
30:39Let's get this party started!
30:50Do you think we might have got on the wrong boat?
30:54Is this a party?
30:56Yeah.
30:58I think it's safe to say
31:00we got on the wrong boat.
31:02When do you go back?
31:04How many hours?
31:06Ah, dos.
31:08Oh, that's all right.
31:10We'll be back in a couple of hours.
31:12No! Dos días.
31:14Días.
31:16Two days?
31:18My mum's gonna kill me.
31:20Is there no other way
31:22to get back to Benidorm?
31:25Oh, crap.
31:27Michael,
31:29row the boats ashore.
31:41There you are.
31:43I've just had a text off Michael.
31:45What's it say?
31:47Gone fishing.
31:49Fishing? I'm having words with that Liam
31:51when they get back.
31:53Where's my mother?
31:55She's been gone all afternoon and all.
31:57Probably run off with Mohamed to join the teleman.
31:59Don't be ridiculous.
32:01There's no way my mother would...
32:03Oh, my God.
32:05Oh, Janice, is that you?
32:07Oh, do us a favour and light me a ciggy, will you?
32:09I can't see a bloody thing.
32:11Mother,
32:13what are you playing at?
32:15Mohamed bought it for me.
32:17It's a traditional Muslim dress.
32:19I know that.
32:22What do you want to wear it for?
32:24Because we're getting married.
32:40Donald, doesn't he look fabulous?
32:42Absolutely.
32:44The management have certainly pulled out
32:46all the stops.
32:48What a spread, look.
32:50Indian? Spanish?
32:52Oh, I don't know what to go for first.
32:54Mmm,
32:56and the food's not bad either.
33:04Should be paid extra for this.
33:06Tell me about it, I feel a right prat
33:08dressed like this.
33:10You're all right, you look a bobby dazzler.
33:12Look at me, I look like a flippin' snooker referee.
33:16Is he an alcoholic?
33:18Yeah, that's a mixture of creme de cassis and...
33:24Bloody hell, she's on a mission.
33:26I know, she's had a difficult day.
33:28Well, you just make sure she doesn't get in any mischief soon.
33:30I will.
33:36Are you?
33:38Where's our Michael? I thought you were looking after him.
33:40Oh, he's here. He's just gone up to get changed.
33:42We got separated.
33:44Well, he better not be pissed again
33:47or I'll separate you from your balls.
33:53Mateo!
33:55Oh yes, we're hoping to have regular functions
33:57where we can attract
33:59a higher caliber clientele.
34:01Of course, being three-star
34:03doesn't help.
34:05But as tonight demonstrates,
34:07we're amply able to deliver a four-star service.
34:13Y pronto habrá chicas en bikini, no?
34:15No.
34:17Sí, sí, cuatro estrellas.
34:21Come on, Carmen, grab a couple of melon balls
34:23and do as I do.
34:27Lovely, Carmen.
34:33Here.
34:35Don't know what they are,
34:37but they're free.
34:39Oh, there's all leaves in mine.
34:41You see, that's why I hate drinking outside.
34:44You end up swallowing all sorts of muck.
34:46Won't be a problem once you've converted, Madge.
34:48One sip of anything other than cordial
34:50they'll have your hands chopped off
34:52faster than you can say Simsalabim.
34:54Nick!
34:56Right then, Mother.
34:58Come on, you promised us an explanation,
35:00so let's hear it.
35:02All right, I'll get your knickers in a twist.
35:04You've known him less than 48 hours.
35:06How can you have agreed to marry him?
35:08It's a marriage of convenience.
35:10As you know,
35:12Mel was doing a bit of business with Mohamed's dad.
35:14Mohamed Mohamed?
35:16What?
35:18Well, apparently, Mel was speaking to him
35:20just before he died
35:22about buying a hacienda
35:24just outside Marrakesh.
35:26What would Mel want with a nightclub in Morocco?
35:28It's not a nightclub.
35:30Hacienda's like a big estate.
35:3212 acres.
35:34They agreed on a price
35:36and Mel arranged to pay a deposit
35:38of 650,000 dirhams.
35:40Oh, aye. What's that in proper money? A tenner?
35:42It's about 50 grand.
35:44And the money
35:46has been sitting in a high-interest
35:48account in Rabat
35:50ever since.
35:52Bloody hell.
35:54Mel didn't want to put it in his own name
35:56because otherwise the bailiffs would have been after it.
35:58So Mr Mohamed
36:00suggested putting it into his son's name.
36:02Mohamed?
36:04Mohamed Mohamed.
36:06He wants to give me the money back.
36:09Because there's so many legal loopholes
36:11we could be waiting years for them to sort it out.
36:13So we offered to marry her.
36:15Once we have the same name
36:17he can move the money over.
36:19No questions asked.
36:21Quick divorce
36:23and we're back in business.
36:25It's a miracle.
36:27It's a bloody miracle.
36:29I told you something would turn up, didn't I?
36:31I don't know.
36:33It all sounds too good to be true to me.
36:35And what's he talking about?
36:37Money and all.
36:39It's not a friggin' free for all.
36:41Hello.
36:45Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
36:47Buenas noches, senors and senoritas.
36:49This is Joyce Temple Savage
36:51welcoming you to the
36:53Gala Olympic Celebration.
36:55Now, we do have
36:57for entertainment
36:59the British Olympic
37:01Synchronised Swimming Team.
37:03Oh, yes.
37:06And for that, because we always
37:08go for gold here
37:10at the Solana
37:12please welcome our very own
37:14Asa Ellington.
37:16APPLAUSE
37:18MUSIC
37:20MUSIC
37:22MUSIC
37:24MUSIC
37:26MUSIC
37:28MUSIC
37:30MUSIC
37:32MUSIC
37:34MUSIC
37:36MUSIC
37:38MUSIC
37:40MUSIC
37:42MUSIC
37:44MUSIC
37:46MUSIC
37:48MUSIC
37:50MUSIC
37:52MUSIC
37:54MUSIC
37:56MUSIC
37:58MUSIC
38:00MUSIC
38:02Oh, 90 minutes.
38:04Yes.
38:06Erm...
38:08It's no use.
38:10You're going to have to give me a clue.
38:12Er...
38:14You turn
38:16if you want to.
38:18The ladies
38:20not for turning.
38:22Martini
38:24Ratnavolova.
38:26No! You're Margaret Thatcher.
38:28All right?
38:31Margaret Thatcher.
38:33Of course.
38:35I should have asked.
38:37Did I ever wear a fuchsia two-piece
38:39with pearls and a Ferragamo
38:41court shoe?
38:43Wait a minute.
38:45My second question was
38:47do I work in the music industry
38:49and you said no.
38:51Well, she doesn't.
38:53Oh! You're thinking
38:55of the other Tina Turner.
38:57The other Tina Turner?
38:59Yes.
39:01I was thinking of the one that works
39:03in the co-op on Withenshaw.
39:05She's
39:07a real character,
39:09is Tina.
39:11You should meet her.
39:13Yes, I should and then perhaps
39:15I'd have a chance of guessing who she is,
39:17a stupid, bloody dame.
39:19I think
39:21you're a little bit upset,
39:23aren't you?
39:25Have you fallen out with your friend?
39:28A lover's tiff?
39:30None of your business.
39:32Well, we all do daft things
39:34from time to time.
39:36I remember when our
39:38Pauline rang me while I
39:40was doing my ironing.
39:42Oh!
39:44I nearly took my ear off.
39:46But whenever
39:48I got myself into a state,
39:50Ron would say
39:52to me,
39:54because that's what he called me.
39:56Noggin,
39:58there's no point you saying sorry to me
40:00until you've
40:02forgiven yourself.
40:04Remember,
40:06to her is human
40:08to forgive divine.
40:10To her is human
40:12to forgive
40:14divine.
40:22Of course,
40:24I don't know who this divine woman was,
40:26but I forgave her anyway.
40:32Oh, Hazel.
40:34Ace has just got a couple of numbers.
40:36Then we'll be ready for your girls in about 15 minutes, all right?
40:38No, it is most certainly not all right.
40:40Look!
40:44What's wrong with them?
40:46They are inebriated.
40:48That is what's wrong with them.
40:50It seems the old fish handyman
40:53went with Sophie
40:55to coerce them onto a party boat
40:57and ply them with alcohol.
40:59They can still do their aerobics, though, can't they?
41:01I beg your pardon?
41:03I mean, that's water dancing thingy.
41:05We've got fireworks and everything.
41:07I arrived here with six Olympic athletes
41:09and I'm leaving with a gaggle of drunkards
41:11reeking of vomit and tequila.
41:13Welcome to Benidorm.
41:15Listen, Pip, why don't you just let them go in the water
41:17and have a bit splash about?
41:19I mean, we can announce it as a Paralympic team.
41:21How dare you?
41:23That is deeply, deeply insulting.
41:25We're having fun!
41:27Girls!
41:29I've nosed it under the pool!
41:33You're not meant to be in the water!
41:37It's a disaster.
41:39I'm going to be a laughing stock.
41:41Leave this to me, Pat.
41:43Might you all follow me?
41:45Kenneth!
41:51Sam!
41:53What's going on?
41:55What the hell are you doing?
41:57I'm drunk. I'm desperate.
41:59Are you standing in front of me, OK?
42:01This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
42:03I've come to you anyway.
42:05Don't pull.
42:07Yeah.
42:09I pulled this.
42:11Is that a red snapper?
42:13Hey!
42:15Her name's Trudy.
42:18So!
42:20Are these what they call
42:22the chains of office?
42:24Oh, and we've got some chains in our room,
42:26but they're not quite as fancy as that.
42:28I think I see Troy in the bushes.
42:30Ooh!
42:32Having a bit of a secret tryst, are they?
42:34That's what I love about the guests.
42:36They'll do it anyway.
42:38No, it's a photo.
42:40It probably blew down
42:42off Gavin's balcony.
42:44Oh!
42:46Let's go up there
42:48and return it to him.
42:50See if we can't entice him down
42:52to join in the fun.
42:54Yes, good idea.
42:56Don't go away,
42:58cos I'll be back in a jiffy.
43:00Here, have some of this
43:02and move some of those.
43:04Gold.
43:06APPLAUSE
43:10Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
43:12thank you.
43:14I'm afraid
43:16there's been a slight change
43:18to the published schedule
43:20in that the synchronised swimming display
43:22has had to be cancelled.
43:24Yes, I know, I'm sorry.
43:26So if you'd like to make your way
43:28to the exits, which you'll find
43:30located here...
43:32Hurry!
43:34What?
43:36LAUGHTER
43:38APPLAUSE
43:40APPLAUSE
43:43It may not be as Sir William's,
43:45but we're going to try and punish you, aren't we?
43:47APPLAUSE
43:49CHEERING
43:51APPLAUSE
43:53CHEERING
43:55Come on, stop fiddling with your bits of diabetes.
43:57It's so comfortable.
43:59Oh, I've seen you touch it with your legs.
44:01Go have it, you cheeky bastard.
44:03APPLAUSE
44:05Tom Daley, eat your arse out.
44:07APPLAUSE
44:09MUSIC
44:11APPLAUSE
44:13MUSIC
44:15MUSIC
44:17MUSIC
44:19Oh, my God, that's my dad.
44:21MUSIC
44:23Hey, Popeye!
44:25WHOO!
44:27MUSIC
44:29MUSIC
44:31MUSIC
44:33MUSIC
44:35MUSIC
44:37MUSIC
44:39I've sent you a text.
44:40A text? I'm your mother, not one of your friends.
44:53No, tell me about it.
45:00Do you have a good time, son?
45:02Yeah.
45:03While they're long fresh then?
45:05Why the long face then?
45:07I want to jump in the pool with everyone else, but the man's not going to like me.
45:10No, she's not.
45:14I'm going to throw you in.
45:17Come on then. One, two, three!
45:21Come on!
45:33Come on, Marilyn! Out now!
45:36A disgrace to your sport, and a disgrace to your country!
45:42I'm so sorry.
45:51Tsunami per mari, che io lo so.
45:58No, no, non esistono più.
46:04Con te io vivrò, con te partirò.
46:15Tsunami per mari, che io lo so.
46:23Hello, Gavin, it's just us. We found something of yours.
46:29Oh, he's with Noreen, look.
46:33Shall we join them?
46:35No, best leave them two and get back downstairs.
46:37I think what this pool party needs is a bit of skinny dipping.
46:41Oh, yes!
46:44Oh, my God!
47:04While doing deals with drug barons isn't supposed to be the job of the CIA,
47:08but who's brave enough to expose the truth about corruption at the heart of the Secret Service.
47:13Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. star in Air America, our Friday film.
47:17After the ITV News at 10, next.