Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:30♪
00:40♪
00:50Right now, Dad.
00:52Oh, now, come on, son. Play it again.
00:55You're no better than that.
00:56What?
01:00I'll get out of the way and then you can turn it on.
01:11What you playing at, man?
01:16Don't worry, son. Just stay where you are. I'm coming.
01:25♪
01:35Sorry, I don't work here.
01:37But you just said you did.
01:38No, I said I work here.
01:40Well, if you work in there, what are you doing out here?
01:43Well, I am allowed to move about, you know.
01:45When a customer comes in,
01:46they don't just appear in the corner of the shop like Mr Ben.
01:48Who's Mr Ben? Is that the manager?
01:51No, he's at the...
01:52Look, I have nothing to do with them.
01:54I just happen to be here.
01:56Oh, you mean you're here on holiday?
01:58Well, why didn't you say?
02:00Listen, I'm here on my own,
02:02if you fancy a game of dominoes later.
02:05Gavin!
02:07They've lost the luggage.
02:08Oh, come here.
02:09Welcome back to paradise.
02:11How have they lost the luggage?
02:12They put the cases in the coach as we were getting on.
02:15It's no good telling him he doesn't work here.
02:17We need to find Mr Ben.
02:20Where's Troy?
02:21I'm here on my own.
02:23So am I.
02:24Why don't we have a threesome?
02:26I beg your pardon?
02:28Dominoes?
02:29Oh, no.
02:30I've just remembered they were in my case as well.
02:34Oh, blood and sand.
02:38Excuse me.
02:41So, this is the Empire.
02:43No wonder Vidal so soon has retired.
02:45What do you mean you're here on your own?
02:47Look, can we talk about this later?
02:49I need to see them about my luggage.
02:50Oh, there's no managerial this afternoon.
02:52I want to know why you're here on your own.
02:53Aren't you going to give me the grand tour?
02:55No, it's just two sinks and a set of heated rollers.
02:58Come on.
02:59I think me and you need to have a little talk.
03:01Well, have you got any dominoes I can borrow
03:03until the cases turn up?
03:06I'm here on my own and they were going to be my icebreaker.
03:10I think you should explain to us
03:12why not only have all our cases disappeared into thin air,
03:15but why no one was there to meet and greet when we got off the bus.
03:19Meet and greet?
03:20Where do you think you are, Disneyland?
03:22Do I look like a mouse?
03:24What about a pack of cards?
03:26You must have a pack of cards.
03:28I think you should watch what you say, young man.
03:30I've got a lot of experience in the travel industry.
03:33I spent three years under Richard Branson.
03:35Ooh!
03:37Is he the fella in the balloon?
03:39I always thought he was one of the BGs.
03:43And that coach driver was positively possessed.
03:46There's a 60-year-old woman with angina
03:49sitting outside breathing into a paper bag.
03:52I've never had a journey like it in my life.
03:54Look, the company would have the coach and the responsibles.
03:56You need to talk to your travel company rep, not me, OK?
03:59No, no, no, no, it isn't OK, and I want your name.
04:03Mateo.
04:05My name is Mateo.
04:07Are you blind as well as stupid?
04:09Blind man's buff.
04:11You only need headscarf for that.
04:14Mind you, that's in my case as well.
04:18Please excuse my associate.
04:20He's still learning the language.
04:22Get out of the pool bar. This place is falling apart.
04:25All the cases are missing.
04:28How do you expect people to start their holidays
04:30when they haven't got any clothes to change into?
04:32Well, I'm sure we can liaise with the coach company
04:35and track down your cases before the end of the day.
04:38In the meantime, we will be happy to temporarily lift
04:41the no swimming in underpants restriction for the gents,
04:44and ladies can have full access to my personal wardrobe
04:47of bikinis and summer dresses.
04:49Well, I suppose that...
04:52Beg your pardon?
05:05Oi! Yoo-hoo!
05:07Hello!
05:08What the hell's that?
05:10Oh, it's Watsonham, isn't it, Noreen?
05:12Noreen who?
05:14Noreen, Geoff's mother.
05:16Who the frig's Geoff?
05:18The soon-to-be father of your great-grandchild.
05:21Oh, I'm so glad to see you here.
05:24I was coming up to your bar later today.
05:27Oh, we've lost the bar, love. We're here on holiday.
05:31You're not running that lovely bar?
05:33You deaf? She told you, we lost it.
05:36How can you lose a thing like that?
05:39It's right on the seafront.
05:41Are you sure you were on the right beach?
05:44You know, there's another one further up,
05:46but that's mainly Germans.
05:48No, we ran the bar for the summer,
05:50and then, well, things didn't really work out.
05:53What's it got to do with you, anyway?
05:55You here with that pissed-head daughter of yours?
05:57Pauline? No. No, I'm here on me own.
06:01You've come here on your own? What sort of holiday's that?
06:04Well, it always seems to be the same faces here.
06:08I thought it was odds on a chum-up with somebody.
06:18Michael, go and get your auntie Noreen a sunbed.
06:21She's not me auntie. A chair's fine for me.
06:24Go get her a chair. I've just sat down.
06:29Oh, thank you, Michael.
06:32Hasn't he grown?
06:35Right, now three teas.
06:38I'm supposed to be on holiday.
06:40I'll get the teas. No, you won't.
06:43Lazy bugger. I wonder where he gets that from.
06:47Cup of tea, Noreen? Oh, lovely.
06:50Grandy and mine.
06:53We could have a game of ice pie, if you like, Michael.
06:58I'm 13.
07:01I've been meaning to ring you.
07:03I mean, we're practically family,
07:05what with my Geoff and your Chantelle having a baby together.
07:10Let's see what colour it is first, before we get the streamers out.
07:24So, first of all, what colour is it?
07:28So, come on, then, spill the beans. What's going on?
07:32Nothing's going on.
07:34Where's Troy? He didn't want to come.
07:37So you've come all the way out here on your own? Yes.
07:41What? Have you two split up?
07:44No, of course not. So what's going on?
07:46Nothing's going on. How many times do I have to say that?
07:49You've always been an unconvincing actor.
07:51What was that play you were in? Midsummer Night's Dream?
07:54You were rubbish.
07:55I'll have you know my bottom was a talk of Derby for weeks after that.
07:58Charming. Most people would be happy with a round of applause.
08:01Look, Troy's not here because we were too busy for both of us to come
08:04and I didn't want to miss the opening of your salon,
08:06so I thought I'd come out myself for a few days. All right.
08:10Now, what about you giving me a trim
08:12while I'm waiting for these cases to turn up?
08:14You don't feel me, Gavin Rumsbutton.
08:16I've seen that guilty look before at work,
08:18when you squeeze one out and you try and blame it on one of the two hours.
08:21For goodness' sake!
08:22Come on, grab that drink and look on the bright side.
08:25If you have been chucked, you're in the alcoholic capital of Europe.
08:28Even you could get a shag in Benidorm.
08:37I hope you don't think I'm being rude.
08:40But you've got really beautiful eyes.
08:43Do you think so?
08:44Yeah. I love the way they sparkle in the sunlight.
08:48A lot of guys say they're still me.
08:51I tend to sweat a lot in the sun, but...
08:55but you smell gorgeous.
08:57OK, I am quickly losing interest.
09:01If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
09:05It's not fair. You're not even the slightest bit interested.
09:08There's no point in us going any further.
09:10You promised I could have a turn at being a girl.
09:12I tend to sweat a lot in the sun.
09:15And don't you wonder why girls do not like you?
09:17Come on, then. Show me how it's done.
09:21There's no use in trying to fight.
09:23What you both know is a forgotten conclusion.
09:26Forgotten?
09:28Do not speak.
09:30Just look into Mateo's eyes.
09:32Tell me your breath does not thump like the beating drum.
09:35Papa. Papa.
09:37Come to my room tonight and we will make sweet music together.
09:42Te amo.
09:43Necesito.
09:45Te deseo.
09:46Are you all right?
09:48Can I help you?
09:50No, you're all right, mate.
09:52I think I'm at the wrong bar.
09:55You can't just grab a girl's face like that.
09:58She'd be horrified. Don't you know about personal space?
10:01You. You are everything that is wrong with English men.
10:05Pale, weak, pathetic, like a tiny ginger mouse.
10:09When was the last time you saw the matador running away from El Toro?
10:13Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns.
10:17Hiya.
10:18Can I have, um...
10:20Let me see.
10:24There's no use trying to fight it, don't you mean?
10:29That's what you think, you ginger dick.
10:33Now.
10:35It's only half past ten.
10:37Bit rude to start on the Jagerbombs already.
10:40I'll have a Bacardi, large, straight.
10:43No ice.
10:44Make that two, will you?
10:46We'll be set over there.
10:53Oi, drink.
10:55MUSIC
11:12I spy with my little eye
11:14Something beginning with...
11:18Beginning with...
11:21Something beginning with C.
11:23Cardigan, my turn.
11:25I spy with my little eye
11:27Something beginning with...
11:29A, B.
11:30Hang on a minute.
11:32Absolute bollocks.
11:34Which is what we've been listening to for the past hour.
11:36Mother.
11:37You didn't even give us a chance to guess.
11:41Anyway, it wasn't cardigan.
11:43It was camel.
11:45Camel?
11:46That's right.
11:47Is she on drugs?
11:49Where can you see a camel here, Noreen?
11:52Well, not an actual camel.
11:55Camel hair.
11:56Camel hair?
11:57Yeah.
11:58Apparently.
11:59That's what this card is made of.
12:02Well, that would explain the hump, then.
12:04I think you mean mohair.
12:06Oh, is that what it is?
12:07Mohair?
12:09Well, what on earth is a mo?
12:12Oh, for Christ's sake.
12:14I'm off to get some cigs.
12:16Sorry I ain't none around, love.
12:17Oh, aye?
12:18And when did you suddenly become Santa's little helper?
12:20Mrs Doubtfire started giving us all brain damage.
12:22Oh, nice one, Michael.
12:24Come on, we'll go together.
12:28Sorry about that.
12:29He's at a difficult age.
12:32I'm used to it.
12:34They tend to get a bit giddy
12:36when there's no father figure to keep them in check.
12:39Is he unpacking?
12:41Who?
12:42Your husband?
12:43Oh, no, he's coming out in a couple of days.
12:46We've got a few sunbed shops at home
12:48and there was a bit of a crisis just before we left.
12:52Dopping up his stand before he gets here, is he?
12:55No, we've got some staff problems.
12:58He'll be here tomorrow or the day after.
13:01My daughter Pauline had staff when she lived in South Africa.
13:07She once told me her butler
13:10used to wake her every morning with a soft-boiled egg.
13:15I think he must have just tapped it on her head.
13:21Did you live in South Africa when you had Pauline?
13:24Oh, no fear.
13:26I've never been to South Africa.
13:29A very racist country.
13:32Is it?
13:34Oh, yeah.
13:35And when they're not being racist,
13:37they're running around in a loincloth
13:39with the bone through their nose,
13:42according to our Pauline.
13:51So that's it?
13:52Not exactly Tony and Guy, more your Kenneth and co.
13:56Well, from Tiny Acorns.
13:58Do you mind not looking at my hoppins when you say that?
14:01Talking of Kenneth and company, it's not just you working here, is it?
14:04Oh, no, God forbid. I'd never get any sunbathing done.
14:07No, I've got interviews this afternoon for a new assistant.
14:10I'm looking for someone very local and very cheap.
14:12No change there, then.
14:14Oi!
14:15Hello. Sorry to interrupt.
14:17Can you do me a wash and blow-dry sometime this afternoon?
14:20No.
14:21So what is going on with Troy, then?
14:23You can't squeeze me in. I don't want a cut.
14:25I just want a wash and blow-dry.
14:27No, I'm sorry, love. I'm completely rushed off our feet.
14:30Go on.
14:31Well...
14:32This evening?
14:33You are.
14:34Do you have an appointment early evening?
14:37No.
14:39I bet you I know what's going on.
14:41All that money's gone to his head.
14:43I had this mate once. He won £300 on a scratch card.
14:45Started shopping in Waitrose and buying loose-leaf tea.
14:48When is your next appointment?
14:50Oh, will you go away?
14:52Look, believe me, love, with split ends like that,
14:54it's not an address you need, it's a crash helmet.
14:57No, it's nothing like that.
14:59We had a bit of an argument a few days ago.
15:02I can't remember what it was about now.
15:04Then he started getting a bit distant.
15:06He set up a management company for all these houses
15:08his father left him in his will and works all day and night.
15:11Anyway, I said,
15:12look, you're obviously too busy to come on this holiday.
15:14Maybe I should go and see Kenneth on my own.
15:17I only said it to get a reaction.
15:19And he said, great idea.
15:21And here I am.
15:23Do you think they do wonder pants?
15:25You know, like a wonder bra but for men.
15:27I think I need a bit of lift and separation.
15:32Any chance of a quick head massage?
15:34No. How many times?
15:36Jacqueline! Oh, my God!
15:38Hello.
15:39Oh, come here.
15:41You look wonderful.
15:44I can't believe you're here.
15:45Do you know, I tried ringing you on that number you gave me last year
15:48but it just went dead.
15:49I thought it was maybe Donald's number you'd given me by mistake.
15:52Oh, Kenneth! How insensitive.
15:54Jacqueline, how are you?
15:56Oh, you know, bearing up.
15:58A lot's happened since last time I saw you.
16:02Well, of course.
16:03It must be almost a year to the week of Donald's death.
16:06It's so brave of you to come back to Benidorm.
16:09I imagine being here you feel much closer to him.
16:12You could say that.
16:16Kenneth?
16:17My God!
16:18Kenneth?
16:19Kenneth?
16:20Oh! Oh, God!
16:23Ghost by the door!
16:24What on earth are you talking about?
16:26No, I just saw him walk past and...
16:28SCREAMING
16:30I've come to take you with me.
16:32SCREAMING
16:34Sorry about that.
16:36How many times have I told you not to do that?
16:39Sorry, the temptation is sometimes just too great.
16:42I think we've got a bit of explaining to do.
16:54So you're trying to tell me you came here last year
16:57and you didn't cop off with one single bloke?
16:59Yeah.
17:00You?
17:01In Benidorm for a whole week and you didn't cop off?
17:05That is not the truth, pure and simple.
17:08You know what Oscar Wilde said?
17:10The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
17:12Yeah, and you know what else he said?
17:14Can't shoot a shitter.
17:16Oh, yeah.
17:17Why wouldn't Lady Windermere's fam want it?
17:20Dunno.
17:21Anyway, it wasn't my fault I didn't get a shag last year.
17:24I broke my leg, didn't I?
17:25I could have both me arms in plaster
17:27and I'd still find a way to unbutton the mutton.
17:30In saying that, there's not much talent here.
17:35Apart from Dirty Diego, of course.
17:38That's the one who we're telling you about.
17:40The one that shagged Natalie?
17:41Yeah.
17:42Who engaged at one point.
17:44SHE LAUGHS
17:46What?
17:47You have got to be joking.
17:49She wanted to marry a dirty, clap-infested,
17:52Spanish bar man at a Benidorm all-inclusive.
17:55Turns out he was married with kids.
17:57Course he is.
17:58That type always are.
18:00Which means when he's tired of riding an old Spanish donkey at home,
18:04he comes to work for an English saucy man.
18:11You just said he were clap-infested.
18:13We're in Benidorm. Get real, Sam.
18:16You can't fight the bull without picking up a few fleas.
18:19SHE LAUGHS
18:21Anyway...
18:23Sorry to say it, but I think he goes for something a bit more...
18:27A bit more what?
18:29Feminine.
18:30Are you saying that I'm not feminine?
18:32Well, you can be a bit.
18:33A bit what?
18:35A bit blokey.
18:36Blokey?!
18:38You are joking, aren't you?
18:40Yeah, I'm a strong woman and I'm proud of that.
18:44But at the end of the day, you don't come more girly than me.
18:49Hey, Liam!
18:51Who knew you worked here?
18:56That's weird. That's the lad we met last year.
18:59Oh, yeah. I nutted him in the face earlier.
19:10So it was all a big insurance scam?
19:12I don't like to use the word scam.
19:14Well, then, what was it?
19:15Oh, no, it was a scam. I just don't like to use the word.
19:18What happened then?
19:19Well, you know the fellow with the white beard
19:22that we saw at the British Consulate?
19:24Yeah.
19:25Well, he followed us.
19:26What, all the way to Marrakesh?
19:28Oh, yes.
19:29Honestly, why don't people just mind their own business?
19:31Well, they were trying to defraud an insurance company
19:33out of half a million pounds.
19:34Exactly, an insurance company.
19:36So no need for Captain Bird's had to be poking his sticky beak in.
19:39Anyway, things got rather messy after that.
19:42We got home, charges were pressed
19:44and I'm afraid a custodial sentence was passed.
19:47Oh, no.
19:48It could have been worse.
19:49Some people go to prison for stuff like that.
19:51That's what a custodial sentence means, you idiot.
19:54Oh.
19:55But surely the company hadn't paid out by then.
19:57It didn't matter. It was still a fraudulent claim.
19:59I managed to pull a few strings with a friend of mine
20:02who's a High Court judge
20:03who happens to be the president of the DSA.
20:07Darlington Swingers Association.
20:09But he only managed to help Jacqueline.
20:12I'm afraid somebody had to take the rap
20:14and I went down for eight months.
20:16Eight months?
20:17I'm afraid so.
20:18Eight months confined, 23 hours a day in a cell
20:21with a 19-year-old body-building arsonist.
20:25Woo-hoo! Now we're talking turkey.
20:27Arsonist means he sets fire to things.
20:29Oh.
20:30It must have been absolute hell.
20:32It had its ups and downs.
20:34I did my best to make sure Donald had his home comforts.
20:39Every visiting day,
20:40I used to smuggle something in for you, didn't I?
20:44Every Friday without fail.
20:46It was a bit riskier as you went in,
20:48but I got quite good at hiding things.
20:52Well, let's say, about my person,
20:56if you know what I mean.
20:58Right.
20:59Oh, yes, I started with easy things,
21:03you know, pens, money, magazines.
21:07Rolled up, of course.
21:09Yeah, well, they'd have to be.
21:10But after a few months' practice,
21:12I was smuggling in all sorts, wasn't I?
21:15Yes, I can safely say I was the only man in D-Wing
21:18with a George Foreman grill.
21:22Right, another round, I think?
21:24I'll go.
21:25No, I'll go.
21:26I don't think you should risk sitting on one of them barstools.
21:28They might never see it again.
21:45Right.
22:03Yes.
22:04Easy.
22:16This place is falling apart.
22:25And then he wanted him to be called Clint
22:28after Clint Eastwood.
22:30Can you imagine our Geoff being called Clint?
22:35So then I had to put my foot down and say,
22:37no, I'm not Clint Eastwood.
22:39I'm not Clint Eastwood.
22:41I'm not Clint Eastwood.
22:43So then I had to put my foot down and say,
22:45no, you chose Pauline's name,
22:48so it's my turn now.
22:54Sorry, Noreen, were you saying something?
22:56I was just saying,
22:5711 names our Geoff had in the week
23:00before he was actually christened.
23:03Michael.
23:04No, not Michael.
23:06It was Melvin at one point.
23:09No, where's our Michael?
23:12He went for cigarettes with Madge.
23:15That was ages ago.
23:17That were brilliant.
23:18My dad never lets us go to the beach.
23:20Oh, live for today, son, that's what I say.
23:22Because hopefully that withering old bag will have buggered off me now.
23:26The only thing is that I spent all my holiday money.
23:29All of it?
23:31I knew you shouldn't have bought that inflatable.
23:34The inflatable was only six euros.
23:36Your six was 35 euros,
23:38your hat was 15 and your nails were 20.
23:41Yeah, but don't I look good?
23:44Oh, come on.
23:46Give him a ping-pong.
23:48Yeah, all right.
23:57What's been for you?
23:58Weren't you dressed as a man earlier?
24:00Yes, pet.
24:01Thank you. Excuse me.
24:02Yes, love.
24:03What's this?
24:04It's a salad you ordered.
24:05No, I ordered a pepper salad.
24:07Oh, aye, there's plenty of pepper on it,
24:09I watched the chef make it.
24:10He looks like an asthmatic cat.
24:12Hey, I'd hold your nose if I was you.
24:14No, no, I ordered a pepper salad,
24:16a salad with peppers on it.
24:18Oh, you mean salad peppers, not shaky pepper.
24:22What's shaky pepper?
24:23You know, salt and pepper.
24:24Where's the man who took the order?
24:26Oh, that'll be Matthew, he's just sloped off for a fag break.
24:28Between you and me, this place is in chaos at the moment.
24:31Oi, Charlie Annie, are you trying to kill me?
24:34My salad is covered in pepper.
24:37Out the way, mind your back.
24:40Where are you going with that?
24:41What the frig's it got to do with you?
24:43Excuse me, excuse me.
24:45You're not allowed to move the ping-pong table.
24:47Do you think I'm going to be playing indoors
24:49when it's 85 degrees out here?
24:51Piss off.
24:55Daddy's all going wrong today.
24:57Don't worry, son, I'll handle this.
25:01Where have you been?
25:02You said you were going off for a fag break.
25:03I did, then I went for a swim.
25:06Leslie, relax.
25:08There's no person in charge.
25:10When the cat is away, the mice will play.
25:12I think it's about time the mice were put back in their cage.
25:15All right, pet, just calm down, I'll get you another salad.
25:18Listen, get changed, right?
25:20And it's not the cat who's away, it's your new manager.
25:22If he sees you like this, he'll have your guts for garnish.
25:25What can he do?
25:27Every manager, we have the same.
25:28They come here and they think they're very important,
25:30but he will be just another English asphalt.
25:33I beg your pardon?
25:34It's all right, pet, he wasn't talking about you,
25:36he was talking about the new manager.
25:38I am the new manager.
25:42I beg your pardon, love?
25:44Joyce Temple Savage, the new manager of the Salona.
25:48Well, if you're the new manager, what are you doing here on holiday?
25:52You're supposed to start today.
25:53She's not on holiday, young one, she's been spying on us.
25:56Spying? I don't think so.
25:58When you spy, you look through a fence or over a wall.
26:02I've been here in the eye of the storm.
26:05Oh, come on, now.
26:07You might be having a crap holiday, but you can't fault the weather.
26:11I want you three idiots and all the members of staff
26:15on this list in the Hawaiian function room in 15 minutes.
26:24Pathetic.
26:25Do you hear me? Pathetic.
26:29And believe me, after 25 years in tourism, I have seen the lot.
26:34I have seen staff paralytic in Portugal,
26:38stagnant swimming pools in Saloon,
26:40food poisoning in Faliraki...
26:43So, in fairness, this isn't your worst holiday.
26:46I am not on holiday.
26:49Listen, pet, I know things make you look bad,
26:52but we had no idea you were the new manager.
26:54We were told it was going to be a bloke.
26:57You were right.
26:59What did you just say?
27:01I didn't say anything.
27:03You, my friend, are standing on very thin ice.
27:09You, what's your name?
27:11He does not speak English.
27:13He doesn't speak English?
27:14His name's on his pad.
27:15I wasn't asking you.
27:22What did he just say?
27:23He said he likes your hair.
27:25Oh.
27:29A transvestite waiter,
27:31a moronic caretaker
27:33and a hotel worker in Benidorm
27:36who doesn't speak a word of English.
27:38Well, I've heard the lot now.
27:39Aye, well, I suppose it's a bit like
27:41being the manager of a holiday resort in Spain
27:44who doesn't speak Spanish.
27:46Watch it, you. I'm in charge here and I do not.
27:49Repeat, do not tolerate any form of backchat.
27:52You, get in this line.
27:54Piss off.
27:55That's Kenneth, he's not actually Solana stuff.
28:00I knew the reputation of this place
28:02before I took on the position,
28:03but nothing, nothing had prepared me
28:06for the undiluted incompetence
28:08I have witnessed here this morning.
28:11But, luckily for you,
28:15I enjoy a challenge
28:17and I'm going to turn this standing joke
28:20into the pride of Benidorm.
28:22Oh, my name is not Joyce Temple Savage.
28:26You said your name was Joyce Temple Savage.
28:29What?
28:30Outside.
28:31You said your name was Joyce Temple Savage.
28:32And now you're saying it's not Joyce Temple Savage.
28:34It was a taint to talk, young one.
28:35It was a taint to keep quiet.
28:36Now it's a taint to keep quiet.
28:38Sorry, Dad.
28:39Dad?
28:41That explains a lot.
28:43And I assume you're the long-lost cousin.
28:46Aye, I have no relations with these people,
28:48which so ever.
28:51Class dismissed.
28:58Welcome to the Solana.
29:00You seem to be a little stressed,
29:02so if you need to relax, just let me know.
29:05I did very good with my friends.
29:08Get back to work.
29:11Well, it was very nice to meet you.
29:14Best of me.
29:16And if we do get any vacancies
29:18for a 16-year-old lap dancer
29:20with no qualifications in hairdressing,
29:23then you will certainly be in the top ten people
29:25that we call back to the second round.
29:28Thank you very much.
29:35I'm sorry.
29:38Oh.
29:44Oh, it's you.
29:46I'd like a word with you.
29:48Well, just that six or one more won't hurt.
29:51I appreciate that you're not Solana staff,
29:54so I can't sack you straight away.
29:57But one word from me to head office
29:59and you'll be out of this salon so fast
30:02your feet won't touch the ground.
30:06And one word from me, sir.
30:08Now, your first morning was spent watching this place fall apart
30:11while you were sat on your arse in the sun
30:13sipping cocktails and iron-up waiters,
30:15and you'll be on your broomstick faster
30:17than you can say Margaret Hamilton.
30:19Next!
30:28Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
30:30madame et monsieur.
30:32My name is Joyce Temple-Savage
30:34and I am your Solana manageress,
30:36and it is my great pleasure to welcome you
30:38to this Solana resorts holiday here in sunny Benidorm.
30:41The weather is a warm year, not uncomfortable, 24 degrees.
30:45But for those of you who are not salon worshippers,
30:48we have our afternoon kiddies movie
30:50in the Hawaiian function room.
30:52So, this is Joyce Temple-Savage, your Solana manageress,
30:56saying gracias for your indulgence
30:59and wishing you a very happy holiday.
31:11What frig is this they've got on?
31:13Oh, I love this.
31:16It's, um...
31:17Oh, what do they call him?
31:20It begins with a B.
31:22Beethoven.
31:23Bobby Crush.
31:25Do you not like classical music, Madge?
31:29Sorry to interrupt you again, Joyce Temple-Savage here,
31:32your Solana manageress.
31:34Just a slight amendment for you.
31:36The kiddies film now being shown in the Hawaiian function room
31:39is not Dumbo, as previously advertised,
31:41but The Elephant Man, starring John Hurt.
31:44Very similar to Dumbo, except this one is in black and white
31:47and he has a bag over his head.
31:49Those of you who have yet to be reunited with your luggage
31:53will find a full range of complimentary underarm deodorants
31:57and intimate feminine moist wipes available gratis.
32:01That's free of charge in the front reception.
32:04Thank you for your indulgence.
32:09That's all we need, a load of fat, sweating pigs
32:11stinking the place to high heaven.
32:13I hope she's not going to be making these announcements
32:16every five minutes.
32:17And why is that music this loud?
32:19Michael, go and ask them to turn it down.
32:22Go and ask them.
32:23I'm getting a bit tired of your backchat, my lad,
32:26just because your father's not here.
32:28You're not too old to go across my knee.
32:30I don't even know why you had a song.
32:32She obviously just wanted a skivvy.
32:37Drag him out of that pool by his hair
32:39and batter him within an inch of his life.
32:41Oh, battered cod, that's what I should have had.
32:45This burger's as dry as a bone.
32:48He's just missing his dad.
32:50DOORBELL RINGS
32:52Joyce Temple Savage, your salon and manageress, again.
32:55Just letting you know that due to hygiene reasons,
32:58salon guests who are still waiting on their lost luggage
33:01and consequently have had no change of clothes
33:03since the early hours of this morning
33:05are not permitted to use the pool.
33:08Also, the large lady with the blotchy arms
33:12and long, dark, greasy hair,
33:14please keep to swimming with her head out of the water.
33:17We have enough drainage problems as it is.
33:20Gracias for your indulgence.
33:22DOORBELL RINGS
33:26MUSIC PLAYS
33:34I'm not standing for this. Where are you going?
33:37I'm off to shove this plinky-plonky music
33:39right up Joyce Temple Savage's arse.
33:46Oh, heck!
33:50Three down.
33:52Highest male singing voice, 12 letters.
33:56Dale Winton.
33:58Not enough letters.
34:00Chris Biggins.
34:02Oh, yes.
34:06What the frig is this you've got playing?
34:08This is Lieberstraum.
34:10Not for me, thank you, love.
34:12I'm just trying to get this shite music turned off.
34:14Oi!
34:16I'm sorry, do you have a problem?
34:18Yeah, but not as much of a problem as you
34:20if you don't turn this bloody racket off.
34:22Classical music has been clinically proven
34:25to de-stress, minimise crime
34:27and reduce staff assaults by up to 25%.
34:30Reduce staff assaults?
34:32Where was your last job, bloody architraut?
34:35I'm sure if you go and lie on your sunbed
34:38and soak up the atmosphere,
34:40you'll realise just how relaxed and comfortable
34:42classical music can make you feel.
34:44I'm sure if you don't turn this music off,
34:47you'll realise how uncomfortable
34:49a fat look can make you feel.
34:51What's this music you're playing?
34:53It's doing everybody's head in.
34:55Well, I think it's rather fine.
34:59Well, I mean, it does start to grate after a while.
35:01Well, there's only one way to decide this.
35:05Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
35:07Oh, pack it in with that bloody announcement!
35:09Ah!
35:11Ah!
35:29Oh, my God, Jacqueline!
35:32Are you all right?
35:36Oh, yes.
35:57I wonder if they're all right. They've been through such a lot.
36:00You're joking, aren't you?
36:02When he eventually got out of the pool,
36:04Donald spent 15 minutes asking for the make and model of that microphone.
36:07Hello, boys! How all right did we join you?
36:09Almost worth saving your seats.
36:11How are you, Jacqueline? You look... better.
36:14Not that bad, actually.
36:18I had a similar jolt
36:20when I smuggled a transistor radio into prison for Donald.
36:24Yes, that was a close shave.
36:26We were sitting in the visiting room, Jacqueline crossed her legs
36:29and suddenly we had Pic of the Week blaring through her pleated skirt.
36:33How did your interviews for a salon assistant go?
36:37Brilliant, thanks. I've got someone starting tomorrow morning.
36:39Her name's Carmen. You know, like the Rolex.
36:41Spanish girl?
36:42Can't speak a word of English.
36:44I told him it'll all end in tears.
36:46And I told you she's on a month's unpaid trial
36:48and after that she's on four euros an hour.
36:50Just like Delbo used to say, this time next year.
36:52You'll be at a European tribunal.
36:54Oh, I don't remember that episode.
36:56Is that the one where he fell through the bar?
37:00Look, Doria, they're not dead.
37:02You knew they weren't dead. You saw them get out of the pool.
37:05If they had a dad, would you have gone to prison by now?
37:07What are you talking about? There's nothing to do with me.
37:12You texting Mick?
37:13Yeah.
37:15You honestly think he's going to be coming out here?
37:19What's the problem with them shots?
37:21He's on manoeuvres, mark my words.
37:25Very pretty young lass he's just taken on in the Claremont Road show.
37:31Very pretty lass indeed.
37:34My dad always said you'd do well in prison, Nana.
37:37That's because I'm single-minded, I'm independent and I won't be beaten.
37:41Oh, no.
37:42He said it's because you look like someone called Vinegar Tits.
37:49The scran in here isn't much better than that salad I had today.
37:53It's not the food we want to be bothered about.
37:55Come on, get that drink down your neck.
37:57I'll get us another couple and we can get this party started.
38:01What? In here?
38:03No, we use this place for as many free drinks as possible.
38:06Sing a couple of karaoke songs to warm up and hit the town.
38:10It's like a pensioner's day trip.
38:12What are we going to sing? We'll meet again?
38:15Excuse me, four more vodka cokes here.
38:17You can only have two drinks at one time.
38:19Two drinks, two people.
38:21Bring us the drinks that we've paid for on this all-inclusive holiday.
38:25Or you'll have me to answer to.
38:28I'll get you four drinks now, but this is the first and last time.
38:32You do not scare me.
38:37I think you might be playing a little bit too hard to get with that one.
38:41Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
38:43Theresa and me, keep and keep.
38:45What do you do for foreplay? Kick them in balls?
38:50You see, what you've got to understand is this.
38:53These are not holiday makers.
38:55I thought they were.
38:57No. These are all dogs.
39:00Well, it's a fair few moanters, I'll give you that,
39:03but one or two of them aren't so bad.
39:05I don't mean like that. I mean, they've got to be trained.
39:08They have a pack mentality.
39:10Without sophisticated touches, such as classical music,
39:14this place is in grave danger of being downgraded to...
39:20Take this afternoon, for example.
39:22One person said they didn't like the music. What happened?
39:25Two people got electrocuted in the pool.
39:27No. The pack mentality kicked in.
39:30Do not just think the majority of the people here,
39:32they prefer other types of music.
39:34What about Pablo's dogs?
39:36His name's Mario. He hasn't got a job.
39:38You ring a bell enough times and the dog will start slavering.
39:42Oh, I'm not sure. I think we're just seeing a round of words now.
39:46Watch and learn, my friends.
39:48Joyous Temple Savage will not be beaten.
39:52She tells me she won't be beaten, young'un,
39:54about the fierceness of a body with a chair leg,
39:57if she pisses this lot off any more.
40:03Bonsoir, tout le monde.
40:06My name, as many of you now know, is Joyce.
40:09Temple Savage.
40:11Yes, that's correct, and it is my profound pleasure
40:14to introduce tonight's entertainment.
40:16There will be no karaoke this evening.
40:20But instead, we have a singer
40:22who is described in Opera Today magazine
40:25as a wonderfully gifted young man
40:28with a winning smile and a golden voice.
40:31Please welcome, all the way from Milan, Otodo.
40:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:50HE SINGS IN ITALIAN
40:55What are they frigging about?
40:57People on holiday don't want to be listening to this.
41:01Well, it's all right, but I don't think I want to listen to it all night.
41:07HE SINGS IN ITALIAN
41:13I've seen enough.
41:15Come on, we're hitting the town. Hang on.
41:18I think I've just developed a love of opera.
41:24Crap music, but he's as fit as they come.
41:27Oh, I could sit and let it wash over me all night.
41:31Hey, you dirty ghetto, I saw him first.
41:34I was talking about the music.
41:36Yeah, right.
41:37You see, the peasants aren't revolting far from it.
41:40Can you see what's happening?
41:42Yeah, the poor lad's dying on his arse.
41:44The odd nod of appreciation, the gentle swaying of the head.
41:48You see, people don't have to be screaming and shouting
41:51and throwing themselves about the place to enjoy themselves.
41:54HE SINGS IN ITALIAN
42:00I'm not so sure.
42:05This is boring.
42:07Oh, poor lad's getting all flustered.
42:11Mind you, it is absolute shite.
42:14What did they say this lad's name was?
42:17Don't know.
42:18I know who that is.
42:20That's Asa.
42:22Who is it?
42:23Asa Elliot.
42:25He used to sing for us at the Benidorm Palace.
42:29Hey, Asa!
42:31Give us a song we know.
42:34All right, Madge, how you doing?
42:36It's all gone a bit Pete Tong up here.
42:38Well, try number 27.
42:41Number 27, Darren.
42:43Number 27, Darren.
42:45PIANO PLAYS
42:54A singer in a smoky room
42:58Smelled wine and chewed perfume
43:02For a smile they could share the night
43:05It goes on and on and on and on
43:09Strangers waiting
43:14Up and down the boulevard
43:17There's shadows searching in the night
43:21It's Nick.
43:23He's got everything sorted and he's flying out tomorrow.
43:26Oh, he does come in a lullaby.
43:30Living just to feel the ocean
43:33Hiding somewhere in the blue
43:39The guy's good.
43:41He's brilliant.
43:42Of course he is.
43:44I had you all going there, didn't I?
43:50Well, the Pac-Mentality's working.
43:52Even you've joined them.
43:54HE LAUGHS
43:56Come on, sir.
43:58Don't stop believing
44:02Until the end
44:06Be nice, be nice
44:14Don't stop believing
44:19Until the end
44:22I can't believe it. I think I'm in there.
44:24Of course you are, Kate.
44:26He's got him for you.
44:28I had no idea what it was like being in last year with my left-hand passenger.
44:31I couldn't get a sniff.
44:33Now, girl, you go for it.
44:36Whoo!
44:38Be nice, be nice
44:49HE GASPS
44:51Are you all right, Queen?
44:54I think I broke my arm.
44:59I don't believe it!
45:03I don't believe it!
45:05I don't believe it!
45:07I don't believe it!
45:09I don't believe it!
45:11I don't believe it!
45:13I don't believe it!
45:15I don't believe it!
45:17I don't believe it!
45:19I don't believe it!
45:21I don't believe it!
45:23I don't believe it!
45:25I don't believe it!
45:27I don't believe it!
45:29I don't believe it!