Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs Хмаs Sресiаl 5 Раrt 1
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00:00Call us to the knowledge of thy grace, and faith in thee.
00:05Increase this knowledge, and confirm this faith in us evermore.
00:09Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant, that he may be born again,
00:13and be made an heir of everlasting salvation.
00:16Through our Lord Jesus Christ, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit,
00:21now and forever. Amen.
00:26Godparents, please.
00:27Do you remember what you've got to say?
00:29Yeah.
00:48Be careful, Rodney.
00:50You drop him and I'll drop you.
00:54He dropped the whole Royal Dalton dinner service once.
00:58He ruined it.
00:59Shut up.
01:01Well...
01:02Oh, look at his little face.
01:08Dearly beloved, you have brought this child here to be baptised.
01:12You have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ would vouchsafe to receive him,
01:16to release him...
01:17Going down the pub, huh?
01:19Oh yeah, we'll be there.
01:22Going down the pub?
01:23Going down the pub?
01:26You've got to be polite to Raquel and Del, just to wet the baby's head.
01:30Roughly translated, that means I can't wait to get down the nags' head and get legless with Del.
01:36Take your time, Pam. We've got to christen the baby first.
01:45You always worry about me getting drunk.
01:47When was the last time that happened?
01:49The last time you went down the nags' head with Del.
01:52...and obediently keep his commandments.
01:56Does thou renounce the devil and all his works?
02:04I renounce them all.
02:06Does thou renounce the vain pomp and glory and the carnal desires of the flesh?
02:13Yes.
02:14No.
02:16No.
02:17I renounce them all.
02:19Oh, yeah, me too.
02:22It's lovely, innit?
02:24Stunning.
02:27Do you feel anything?
02:29Yes, I feel a great urgency to get out of here as soon as possible and finish my packing.
02:34You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?
02:36I've finished all the packing. Stop moaning, Boise, or I'm going to get annoyed.
02:42Do you remember Tyler's christening?
02:45Yeah.
02:47I bet the church will miss that, won't it?
02:50Godparents, will you please name this child?
02:53Yes, it's Damien Derrick Trotter.
02:57Damien Derrick?
02:59Yes.
03:02Damien Derrick.
03:05Fine.
03:07Damien Derrick.
03:15I baptise thee, Damien Derrick, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
03:23We receive this child in the congregation of Christ's flock and assign him with the sign of the cross.
03:32What is wrong with you, Bob?
03:37Oh!
03:43Oi, oi, oi, oi, mind the paintwork, will you?
03:45Come on, Mickey, get a move on.
03:47I'm just setting the automatic timer.
03:50He's no David Bailey, is he?
03:52David Bailey? More like Baited Daily.
03:56Ready?
03:57Everybody smile.
03:59Smile, Trigger.
04:01I am smiling.
04:07Ah, thank you very much, Reverend, that was a cracking display.
04:10It was a beautiful ceremony, thank you.
04:12Oh, my pleasure.
04:13Perhaps I'll be seeing you two again in the near future?
04:16Well, us two? What do you mean, a wedding?
04:18Don't hold your breath on it, son, she's still married.
04:20I'm legally separated, I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
04:23Yeah, almost, pucker.
04:26When or if you need me, I'll be here.
04:28God bless you both.
04:29Yeah.
04:30Thank you, Reverend.
04:31Thank you very much, Reverend.
04:32Oh, by the way, Reverend, I'll be in to see you in a minute.
04:34I've got something I want to talk to you about.
04:36Yes, of course, I'll be inside.
04:38What do you want to see him about?
04:39Just a bit of business, sweetheart, a bit of business.
04:41Business? How can you discuss business here? This is a church.
04:44Oh, come on, Raquel, even churches have got to make profits.
04:48Have you read your Bible recently?
04:50Have you?
04:52No.
04:54But I remember our RE teacher reading it to us once,
04:57and there is a chapter in the Bible actually called the Book of Prophets.
05:01So don't tell me that God doesn't know a bit of answers.
05:05No, it doesn't mean profits.
05:07It's been lovely christening, Raquel. One of the nicest I've been to.
05:11Oh, thanks, Mummy.
05:12You know, I bought you a little present.
05:13It's one of them baby intercoms, you know, so you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
05:18You can even talk back to him from your living room.
05:21Let him hear Mummy's voice, you know.
05:23You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
05:25Oh, yeah, no problem. I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
05:28Listen, I'll leave you two girls to have a chinwag. I'll see you later.
05:31All right.
05:32Look, listen, Del, Milton, I'm going to shoot off now, mate, and open up the pub.
05:35Listen, about this christening do I'm putting on for you, I'm a bit concerned, mate.
05:39Don't be, Michael. I've got every faith in you.
05:41No, no, no, no, no.
05:42I'm concerned about the money.
05:44You wouldn't like to actually pay me now, or at least give me a deposit?
05:48How dare you, Michael, talk business here, outside a church.
05:53Church.
05:54Go on.
05:59I thought you were off on holiday tomorrow.
06:01Yeah, we're going to the States.
06:03We fly to Washington, then down to Atlantic City for a week, and then on to Florida.
06:08Stop it. You're making me jealous.
06:10Well, it's not going to be that good.
06:12Voice is going with me.
06:18Look at poor little Rodney.
06:20Is he still living at your flat?
06:22Well, he stays with me and Del from Monday to Friday, then he spends the weekends with Cassandra.
06:26Yeah, he sees her at weekends.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Oh, well.
06:30I suppose he's more fun than fishing.
06:39Rodney.
06:42Hi, Alan.
06:46Right.
06:50So.
06:52How's the new job?
06:54What new job?
06:56Working for Del.
06:57Oh, right. Oh, that's fine.
06:59We've gone international now.
07:01Del's very big in Eastern Europe.
07:02Oh, that's right, yeah. He was telling me he's got contacts in Warsaw.
07:05No, Warsaw.
07:08Yeah.
07:09But his bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania.
07:12Oh, Romania.
07:15Good.
07:16Look, how are you getting on with Del?
07:20Oh, nice.
07:21Did you just come down the pub?
07:23I said I'd see you there later.
07:25You going down for one?
07:26Oh, yeah, yeah, just for a quick one.
07:28Just a quick one. I know you too well.
07:30No, no, honestly, it won't be just a quick one. I've had my orders.
07:33Oh, by the way, I've got something for you.
07:35What's that?
07:36It's a cheque.
07:37You remember when you first started to work for me, you joined the First Pension Scheme?
07:40Well, they finally came up with your repayments.
07:42Now, I've had a talk to the insurance company, and they say, if you like,
07:46Now, I've had a talk to the insurance company, and they say, if you like,
07:54Well, that's really nice of you, Alan. Yeah, I'm going to take you up on that offer.
07:58I knew you'd say that.
07:59Well, you know, I'm not one of these grab-the-money-and-run merchants.
08:02My philosophy has always been look after the future now.
08:05My sentiments exactly.
08:07So, let's see.
08:09£935 invested in a policy attracting a great sale in the interests of what?
08:14£935?
08:15Oh, I'll tell you that now, Alan.
08:17What about the future?
08:18What future? I work for Dale.
08:22I don't quite understand what you mean, Mr Trotter.
08:24Let me try to explain, Sean.
08:26Let me see.
08:27So, what would you do if you had an extra £10,000 or £20,000 a year coming in?
08:33Well, build a new youth club?
08:35Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?
08:37I'm afraid I'm not used to making decisions of that magnitude.
08:40Oh, well, I can change you all that, Reverend.
08:42I've come up with an idea that can revolutionise your fundraising mechanism.
08:46What do you put in there?
08:48Communion wine.
08:49Yeah, I know.
08:50But before you pour it in, it's not communion wine, is it?
08:52Well, no, it's ordinary wine, until I bless it.
08:54Until you bless it.
08:55Exactly.
08:56Now then, tell me, how long does it take to bless it?
08:59Two or three minutes?
09:00Two or three minutes, right.
09:01Well, let's call it what?
09:02Say three minutes.
09:03That's three minutes, three times a day.
09:05That's three threes and nine.
09:06Nine minutes a day, seven days a week.
09:08Because I know you blokes, you work on Sundays and all, don't you?
09:12That works out about one hour a week, times 52.
09:17That works out to about two days a year that you lose just blessing wine.
09:21And that's not including a trip down to Obbins to pick it up.
09:25So I reckon that you lose about, what, say one week every year just blessing wine.
09:29Well, possibly.
09:30No, possibly. No, positively.
09:32You just think about it.
09:33Think of all the other clergymen all over the country who are also losing one week every year.
09:38God, we must be losing months and months of vicar hours.
09:42Just think of all the good works that you could do with all them lost months.
09:47Well, I never thought of it like that before.
09:49Well, I have, I have, and I tell you, it has been bothering me.
09:52Come sit down, sit down, Your Reverence, just a minute.
09:54No, it's all right, you just sit down for a second, let me explain.
09:57Because I have worked out a way in which I can give you back that precious quality time.
10:03How?
10:04Are you ready for this?
10:05Are you ready for this?
10:07Trotter's pre-blessed wine.
10:11Trotter's pre-blessed wine?
10:12Yes. It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
10:17See, look, I've got this mate of mine, right, I have this mate of mine, he's a vintner up north.
10:22And he's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine.
10:26Romanian wine?
10:27Yeah, it's going to be all the range, don't you worry about it.
10:28And the idea is this, they drive it straight up from Tilbury to here, where you will bless it by the lorry load.
10:33Then we'll ship it out to all the churches and all the cathedrals all over the country.
10:37I mean, once we're up and running, there'll be no stopping us.
10:40Where are we now, what? It's nearly 1992.
10:42I mean, this time next year, we'll be exporting all over Europe.
10:45And here is the brick on top of the chimney, right?
10:49We get it at £1.39 a bottle.
10:51We knock it out at £2.50.
10:53The church will be rejoicing, the flock will be redeemed, and you and I will be a-knickering a bit in front.
10:59Everyone's a winner. Rain or dare, rain or fear, as they say in Lewes.
11:04Yes, I could see how it could save time.
11:06Time, yes, of course it can save time, and time is money.
11:09Money that is much better spent on roofs and orphans and organs, that is my motto.
11:14That's very commendable of you, Mr Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned.
11:19Yes, of course you are.
11:20Of course you are.
11:21Now you know how the people felt when they saw the burning bush or the first pot noodle.
11:28I mean, this time next year, four a herd will be asking for your autograph.
11:34Yeah, I know, it knocks you sideways, doesn't it?
11:37I don't know, it must be a sign or something like that.
11:39Anyway, listen, I'll let you think about it, all right?
11:41In the meantime, what I'll do is I'll send in the first lorry load so you can have a bit of a practice.
11:45See if you can interest your other colleagues, you know, square it with the bishop, that sort of thing.
11:49You know it makes sense.
11:50Yes, yes.
11:51Oh, by the way, listen, I just wanted to slip you this.
11:53That is for the Christian it was about.
11:55Bonjour for now.
12:04Bonjour.
12:12Please, what do you want?
12:14I've heard there's some business going down.
12:16I was just wondering if there's something in it for me.
12:18I'm the managing director of my own firm now.
12:20Oh, yeah, I'm very impressed, Mickey.
12:22No, there's nothing in it for you.
12:23I'm doing this for charity.
12:25Oh, well, if you hear something, let us know, eh?
12:27I mean, I've always done you a good turn.
12:29When have you ever done anything for me?
12:32Yeah, well, I'll do some good turns in the future then.
12:34Look, just remember, I do need any help.
12:37All right.
12:38Thank you very much, Mickey.
12:39I'll bear it in mind, all right?
12:42Wait a minute.
12:43Wait a minute.
12:46I was wondering.
12:47What?
12:48No, I don't think you can handle it.
12:50I can handle it, no sweat.
12:55Well, a little bit out of your normal area it is, Mickey.
12:59As long as you're not frightened of a challenge.
13:01There's nothing I like better than a challenge.
13:04I'm your man.
13:05All right.
13:06Put it there.
13:08Look, mate, it's a deal.
13:09You come with me and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
13:11My firm is in a phase of expansion.
13:14I was computerised three months ago.
13:16What's this?
13:17I thought you had a bit of a limp.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:43Oh, God!
13:45Hey, what's the matter?
13:46I've never been so embarrassed.
13:48I just wish you could choose your parents.
13:50Oh, no, it's not Alan again, is it?
13:53It's always the same when we have family parties.
13:55A couple of drinks and that's all it takes.
14:00You ought to stay off the scotch.
14:04I haven't been on the scotch.
14:05I've been on the shandies.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:13Come on, love.
14:20Just take her home, Daddy.
14:22Oh, yeah, what do I do with her then?
14:23Well, I've got a lump of rope in the back of the van.
14:27Come on.
14:29Come on.
14:34How am I going to let the embarrassment down?
14:36Well, you'd better have a word with Rodney.
14:38He's had years of experience.
14:40No, sorry.
14:41Anyway, it's all about Rodney.
14:42What is it between you two?
14:44He's well gutted about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
14:46I mean, what's happened between you two?
14:48It's private, Dan.
14:49All right, all right.
14:50Well, I won't stick my nose in.
14:52But if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here.
14:54And you know me, I'm straight down the line.
14:56No old bull and no porkies.
14:59Thanks, Dale.
15:00All right.
15:01Is Damien back at the flat?
15:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
15:03Who's babysitting?
15:04Mickey Pierce.
15:05LAUGHTER
15:20Oh, is that the holiday brochure?
15:21Yes, look, these are all the hotels we're staying at.
15:24I don't believe that, woman.
15:26Do you know how many times I've got the talent
15:28to keep quiet about this holiday?
15:30Why is that, then, Boise?
15:32Well, I don't want every cat murderer in Peckham
15:34to know that my house is going to be empty for three weeks, do I?
15:37I'm security conscious these days.
15:39That's why I haven't ordered a minicab to take us to the airport.
15:42Dale Boy's doing it.
15:44I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
15:47Yeah, but they were all busy, weren't they?
15:49That's right, so I had to ask Dale.
15:52Mind you, I've got to hand it to him.
15:54He's put on a good spread here today.
15:56What do you mean, he's put on a good spread?
15:58This is all on the slate.
15:59I've got so many of his slates under here,
16:01I could retire my bloody roof.
16:04Hey, Dale, look where you are. No worries.
16:06Yeah, Dale's had a big cheque arrived.
16:08Yeah, what about that, now, see?
16:10935 quid.
16:11See?
16:12I saw the cheque.
16:13Yeah, I saw an advert for the RAC, but I still wrote down.
16:17What are you looking for there, Arya?
16:19What did you leave this in your jacket for?
16:21Someone could have taken it.
16:22Somebody did bloody take it.
16:25This could have been nicked, forged and cashed
16:27before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
16:29Shut up, then.
16:30Well, that's it.
16:31Listen, I'm taking this down
16:32and I'm paying this into your account next week, all right?
16:34Yes, all right.
16:35All right.
16:36How are things between you and Cassandra?
16:38Why?
16:39Well, you don't seem to be talking to her very much.
16:41Well, we haven't got much to say to each other.
16:43What's the matter, Rodney?
16:44What's the problem between you two?
16:46It's private, all right?
16:47Look, you used to confide in me.
16:49Now you tell me nothing.
16:50Look, I might be able to help you.
16:52Dale, watch my lips.
16:53It is private, all right?
16:55I'll sort it out in my own way.
16:56All right, you watch my lips.
16:57You'll sort nothing out without talking about it.
16:59All right.
17:00All right, go on, go on, enjoy yourself.
17:01I will.
17:02Go on.
17:03Mate, give me a pinnacle of an Australian one, will you?
17:08Problems, Dave?
17:09Oh, no, no, no.
17:11Problems, Dave?
17:12Oh, I want to talk about it, Trinket.
17:14You ever been wrongly accused of something?
17:16Yeah, once.
17:18Yeah?
17:19How did you get out of it?
17:20Well, I didn't.
17:21I was guilty.
17:26Right then, boys.
17:27You know what to do.
17:28I'm going to take you down to the airport in style.
17:30You'll go in my cat-free gear.
17:31What time do you want me to pick you up?
17:32About 11 o'clock.
17:33The plane leaves at 1.30.
17:34I don't think I'd go to America.
17:36And what is wrong with America?
17:38It's violent, isn't it?
17:40You've been watching too much telly.
17:42Yeah.
17:43I'm telling you, they're on the verge of a drugs war over there.
17:45Oh, get out.
17:46Who told you that?
17:48I saw a programme on the telly.
17:50On the telly?
17:52See what I mean?
17:53Suck me as a sack.
17:55I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it.
18:01You know what?
18:02He closed the pub for a week when Daphne and Neighbours died.
18:05When I say a programme on the telly...
18:07I don't think you should laugh about things like that.
18:10Eh?
18:12The dead can't defend themselves.
18:15No, no.
18:16She had a three-month-old baby.
18:19Who did?
18:20Rita Fairclough?
18:21I'm talking about Daphne.
18:24Yeah, yeah.
18:25I'm sorry, Trigg.
18:26It was tragic.
18:28Well...
18:30I've made my point.
18:35Yeah, sorry about that, Trigg.
18:39You've got to be very careful.
18:40I mean, Trigg gets very emotional.
18:42He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
18:45You know what I say?
18:46What?
18:47When I say a programme on the telly...
18:49I'm not talking about Hill Street Blues or Magnum.
18:51This was Panorama.
18:52Panorama?
18:54Yeah.
18:55Listen, they've got contract killers on the loose over there.
18:57Well, how's that going to affect Boise?
18:58He's going with Thomas Cook.
19:01Michael, I hardly think some hitman is going to ever pop at two British tourists.
19:05Yeah, if he does, he better do it in the evening.
19:07I mean, one look at Marlene when she gets out of bed...
19:09is enough to make anyone run a mile.
19:12That woman could put the frights up Annabelle Lacta.
19:18How do you know what Marlene looks like when she gets out of bed?
19:20Your milkman told me.
19:21Your milkman told me.
19:37Hi.
19:38Hi.
19:41Lovely evening.
19:45You got time for a chat?
19:47If it's got anything to do with uniforms, the answer's no.
19:50It's got nothing to do with uniforms.
19:53I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone.
19:58Look, I've had a few drinks and I've said something stupid.
20:00There's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
20:03I mean, haven't you ever said something stupid?
20:05Yeah, a couple of years ago I said I do.
20:10That's not fair, Cass.
20:12I didn't mean it.
20:14I'm sorry.
20:16Look, I won't mention uniforms again.
20:18I promise.
20:20All right, then.
20:22Well, glad the christening went off all right.
20:25I thought it was really moving.
20:27He's such a lovely baby.
20:29Lovely?
20:30He's always biting me.
20:32He takes great chunks of flesh out of me arms.
20:35He smiled when he saw you.
20:37Yeah, because he thought, here comes elevensies.
20:41Well done.
20:42He's a beautiful little thing.
20:44Yeah, Susie, for you to say, isn't it?
20:46You haven't got to live in the same flat as...
20:50No, sorry, I...
20:52I wasn't trying to...
20:54What, you're not?
20:55We don't live at Dells all the time.
20:58We spend the weekends together.
21:00Oh, yeah.
21:01Yeah, we spend weekends together.
21:03Don't start, Roddy.
21:05We discussed all our problems with the relate counsellor.
21:07And you remember what she said, after she stopped laughing?
21:11She advised us to try and get back together gradually.
21:14By just spending the weekends together at first.
21:17You must be joking.
21:18Well, the offer still holds.
21:20It's up to you, Roddy.
21:21Now, do you think we could change the subject?
21:23Yes, sorry.
21:27How are things at the bank?
21:29Heard anything about your promotion?
21:30Not yet.
21:32But I'm definitely on the short list.
21:34I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne.
21:37Seminar in Eastbourne, ooh.
21:40Sorry.
21:42Well, it's important then, isn't it, this seminar?
21:45It's where the final interviews will be held.
21:48Well, here's to your future.
21:51Ours?
21:53Yeah.
21:54Don't look like that.
21:56Please.
21:59This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
22:02Well, that's just it. Everybody is celebrating.
22:05Boise and Marlene are off to the States.
22:07Del and Raquel are just christened a chavvy.
22:09Well, that could be us in a while.
22:14What, a baby?
22:16No, I meant we could go to America.
22:18It's always been an ambition of mine.
22:20Once I get my promotion, we could put some money aside
22:22and we could have a holiday in California or Florida.
22:27Yeah, when?
22:28I don't know. A couple of years.
22:33Girls make it.
22:39There must be thousands of trees in the world.
22:42It is not just a bunch of trees, Trigg.
22:44It is the Brazilian rainforest, the lungs of the world.
22:47And they are destroying it at the rate of 25 acres a day.
22:50Where is that, then, exactly?
22:52Huh?
22:53Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
22:56It's on the outskirts of London.
22:58It's just Brazil.
23:00Ah, Albert, there you are.
23:02Listen, I've booked you a front row seat at the Lawn Drama.
23:05Go on, away you go.
23:06Here, Rodney, I want to work with you.
23:09Ah, give us a decaffeinated cappuccino and a jam donut, will you, Trigg?
23:13It's all about that bleeding rainforest again, mate.
23:15That's the fourth time this week Rodney's given a lecture in my cab.
23:19That's all right. He's worried about our world, isn't he?
23:21Wouldn't do you any harm to show a bit more care at all.
23:23Look at that.
23:24You see, it's fossil fuels.
23:25People do not realise the damage they are doing to this planet.
23:29I don't have none of them in my house.
23:30I use gas and oil.
23:34Trigg, they are fossil fuels.
23:36Are they?
23:37Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
23:41Coal is the same.
23:43I had a coal burner fitted in my place.
23:45It's not as dear as you think, you know, Rodney.
23:47Put it on Rodney's slate, will you?
23:48I don't know how many bloody trees there are, Trigg.
23:50They're just cutting them down.
23:52Rodney, Rodders, leave it out.
23:54You'll never turn this lot green as long as you've got a hole in your ozone.
24:00Got some exciting news to tell you, in private.
24:02Come down here.
24:03Private, please. Do you mind? Thank you.
24:05I'll give up on you two.
24:08God, sometimes I try to make people understand what is happening on this planet.
24:12Yeah, I know. It gives me the right hump and all.
24:14You know, they are more concerned with a postcard from Boise and Moline.
24:17God, dear.
24:18Here, we had one of those this morning.
24:20Look at that.
24:21It's a lovely hotel, isn't it?
24:25All right, so what's this exciting news, then?
24:27Oh, yes.
24:28Well, I went down to the bank this morning to pay in your cheque.
24:31I would have done it earlier, but, you know, I've been having trouble with me wine deal and whatever.
24:34Thank you very much.
24:35So you have paid it in?
24:36Yeah, of course I have.
24:37You've got to look after that money, Rodney.
24:38I don't want you sending it all off to sting, do I?
24:41Anyway, while I was down there, I bumped into Cassandra.
24:46She was just going for lunch, so I joined her.
24:47While I was having lunch, I had this great idea on your behalf,
24:51because I know how much you like to travel.
24:53I am not going to Romania.
24:55I know your wine shipments develop problems.
24:58Who told you that?
24:59Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest last night,
25:01and when you'd come off the phone, you was all pale and sweating.
25:03Right, there's nothing I can't handle.
25:05It's just a little hiccup with the old translation, that's all.
25:07Anyway, listen, this idea was for you and Cassandra, right?
25:10We got talking.
25:11We was talking about Boise and Mali in Georgia.
25:13What's that?
25:14Cassandra would love to go to America.
25:18On the way down here, right, I called into Alex's, you know, the travel agent in the ice cream.
25:22He has got a once-in-a-lifetime offer never to be repeated, right?
25:26Practically a giveaway, Rodney.
25:29Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackaroons.
25:33Yeah, well, that's a monkey before you got a bed for the night, ain't it?
25:35No, no, no, no, no.
25:36You see, because here is the cherry on top of the cake.
25:39Two go for the price of one.
25:42Think about it, Rodney.
25:43You and Cassandra spending a week on Miami Beach.
25:48Miami?
25:50No, I could never afford it.
25:52Of course you can afford it.
25:53What are you talking about?
25:54You got your Maxwell money, haven't you?
25:57That's all your pension money.
26:03Miami?
26:04Two for the price of one.
26:05Oh, Rodney.
26:06Just think about it.
26:07I mean, she'll love it.
26:08She will.
26:09I know that.
26:10Just imagine how old Cassandra's going to feel when you announce your holiday of a lifetime.
26:14She'll be all over you like a rash.
26:18I mean, is that a brilliant idea or is it just, like, wonderful?
26:21What?
26:22Bloody hell, it's a cosmic idea.
26:25Would you let me have the time off?
26:26Of course you can have the time off.
26:27Oh, Ace.
26:28Oh, but what about Cassie?
26:30No, it's all right.
26:31Don't worry about her because the bank, like, they owe her a couple of weeks' holiday.
26:34She told me.
26:35You're off and running, bro.
26:36Yeah?
26:37Yeah.
26:38I'd better go and phone her.
26:39Just make sure it's all right.
26:40No, no, no.
26:41Don't phone her.
26:42Huh?
26:43No, don't phone her.
26:44No, no, no.
26:45She's down there.
26:46You take her out for dinner.
26:47Right.
26:48And then when you get to the old coffee and the Grand Marnier steaks,
26:51you put the tickets down on the table and you say,
26:53Darling, I am taking you to Miami.
26:56You'll knock her bandy.
27:00Well, I'd better get down that truck.
27:01I'll use the big shop.
27:02Yeah, no, no.
27:03Don't go down there.
27:04No, no, no, no, no.
27:05Stay there.
27:06Save the shoe-leather, Rodney.
27:07Because, you see, I've got them for you.
27:11Barry, you are a darling.
27:13Ah!
27:15How did you know I wanted him?
27:17Well, I just thought with something in a conker like you,
27:19you wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this.
27:21I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes.
27:23I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.
27:26Did you afford it?
27:27I thought you were skinny.
27:28I am.
27:29I took one of your cheques down the bank and cashed it.
27:30You took money out of my account?
27:32Don't you dare thank me.
27:36It's no big deal.
27:37I can forge your signature as easy as that.
27:41Oh!
27:43What?
27:44You're lovely, son.
27:46Where is everyone?
27:47Litland's in his cot.
27:48Raquel's cooking the tea.
27:50Rodney's taking Cassandra out to dinner.
27:52Yeah.
27:53He's going to tell her about Miami.
27:55Oh, I'd love to be there and see her face.
27:57Yeah, so would I.
28:01Yeah, look, all right.
28:02Oi, oi, oi, oi.
28:03Now, just...
28:04Any calls for me?
28:06No, no, no, no, no, no.
28:08Just...
28:09Any calls for me?
28:11Calls?
28:12Yes, you know, I had the telephone rung
28:13and a voice asked to speak to me.
28:14Not that I'm aware of.
28:16Right, good.
28:17Thank God for that.
28:18Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
28:21I was walking past the church, you know,
28:23the one where we held the christening,
28:25and there was a big articulated lorry parked in the grounds.
28:28There was some sort of German writing on the side,
28:31and the back doors were open.
28:33Full up with cases of wine, it was.
28:36And that digger, the one what christened Damien,
28:39he was making a sign of the cross
28:41and saying a prayer to this lorry.
28:45Funny old world, isn't it, eh?
28:48Listen to me.
28:49Anyone phones or calls round here and asks for me,
28:51I'm knocked in, all right?
28:52When you say anyone, do you mean particularly
28:54people with Romanian accents?
28:55No, hello, sweetheart.
28:57Didn't hear you creeping.
28:58No, I didn't mean people with Romanian accents.
29:02I just thought I ought to maintain
29:04a bit of a low profile for a while.
29:06So, anyway, I think I'll go and take a look at Damien.
29:08You dare. It's taken me over an hour to get him to sleep.
29:11All right, all right.
29:12Well, I think I'll make myself a Singapore sling to unwind,
29:16and then I'll take a nice hot bath.
29:19Rodney's back.
29:21All right, brothers?
29:22Come on, then. What's Cassandra say?
29:24I'm going to bed.
29:26Everything all right, brother?
29:28Oh, brilliant, though. Bloody brilliant.
29:30Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me.
29:33Really? Why not?
29:34Because she is busy that week.
29:37Doing what?
29:38Oh, she has to attend the banks seminar in bloody Eastbourne.
29:42Can you believe that?
29:44She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy interview
29:47so she can become an executive.
29:49That girl ought to get her priorities right.
29:52Hold on, let's be fair about this.
29:54Hold on, let's be fair about this, Rodney.
29:55Cassandra's told me about these interviews.
29:57They're very important to her.
29:58She's been going to college and evening school for five years now.
30:00It's all been leading to this seminar.
30:02You can't expect her to risk her future for seven days in the sun.
30:05It's not that, Raquel.
30:07It was just my luck, innit?
30:09Any other week of the year would have been fine.
30:11But no, it had to be that week.
30:14I know it's tough, Rodney, but it's just the way it goes.
30:17Well, for me it is, yeah.
30:20See you in the morning.
30:21Yeah, good night, bro.
30:25Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord.
30:27That's a bit of a body blow, innit?
30:29Yeah.
30:30He was really looking forward to that as well.
30:33It's a pity he didn't phone Cassandra first.
30:35Make sure everything was all right.
30:36Yeah.
30:40Well, of course I said to him, I told him to phone her.
30:43I said, you phone her, make sure that she can make that week.
30:46But, you know, he wouldn't listen.
30:47You know what he's like, don't you?
30:49It's a shame.
30:50Yeah.
30:58Stupid bank.
31:00Stupid, stupid bank.
31:18Go to sleep, Damien.
31:21Otherwise Uncle Rodney will get angry.
31:23You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
31:28Look, just pack it in, will you?
31:31Look, you don't frighten me, so just go to sleep, will you?
31:34What's he doing in there?
31:36I don't know.
31:37Sounds like he's having a row with Damien.
31:42Who do you think you're talking to, Rodney?
31:44Jesus!
31:55All right, bruv?
31:56Yeah, yeah, fine.
31:58You look pale.
31:59No.
32:00Um...
32:02Oh, I was just thinking, I'll probably, uh...
32:04I won't sleep in here with Damien no more, cos, uh...
32:07Cos I keep snoring and waking him up.
32:11Bless him.
32:13I'll just keep down here on the sofa if that's all right.
32:15Yeah, anything you like, bruv.
32:17Right, well, I'll just have a quick shower, then I'll hit the sack.
32:22Sorry.
32:23It's all right, I'm used to it.
32:24Yeah.
32:25All right, keep going, are you?
32:26Yeah, all right.
32:34You was really looking forward to going to Miami, weren't you?
32:37I had dreams, you know.
32:39What it would be like.
32:41You'll get your money back, though, son.
32:43No, I won't.
32:44Tickets are non-refundable.
32:45Still going, though, aren't you?
32:47Of course I ain't.
32:48Of course you are, Rodney, you've got to go.
32:50Otherwise Cassandra will think you're nothing but the puppet that can't do anything
32:53unless she pulls your strings.
32:55But I'll be all on me own.
32:57You're only going for a week, aren't you?
32:59You've got to think about him.
33:01He was all on his own once for three months on an uninhabited island.
33:06Of course, it wasn't uninhabited when he arrived, but that's another story.
33:10Listen, Rodney, you've got to go.
33:11You've got to prove to Cassandra that you're a man
33:13and you're not frightened to stand on your own two feet in the big wide world.
33:18Do you know you're right?
33:19Yeah.
33:20So you're going, son?
33:22Possibly.
33:28He won't go, will he?
33:29Yeah, of course he'll go.
33:31And do you know why?
33:32No.
33:33Because I'm going with him.
33:36There you are.
33:39You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
33:41You're all warm and happy.
33:45We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
33:48He can't go to Miami now.
33:51It's a shame.
33:53Shall I put your mobile on for you?
33:55The one Daddy bought you.
33:57Yeah?
33:59You've got a lovely Daddy, haven't you?
34:01Buying you all these nice presents.
34:06Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney.
34:10You wouldn't mind, would you?
34:13Then he'd be gone for a week.
34:15I wonder where Daddy got that from.
34:18Yeah, it's a mystery.
34:20Like so many things.
34:24What about Raquel? Can you persuade her?
34:27Can Fergie ski?
34:29I only want to go for a week in Miami.
34:31It's not like I'm taking a six-month exhibition up the jungle, is it?
34:35My Ada weren't too happy when I told her I was going abroad.
34:38No, that was because you joined the Navy and went round the world taking bloody trips.
34:42No, one of the poor cow got the needle.