Frasier Season 10 Episode 6 Star Mitzvah
Frasier Season 10 Episode 6 Star Mitzvah
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00:00Here we are. File A, slide sheet 1, image 1 of subject Frederick G. Crane.
00:08Mom?
00:09Here you are, just an hour after being wrestled from my grudging womb.
00:16Gross!
00:18No. If you like, there's still time to include this in your bar mitzvah video.
00:24Thanks, but I just want to get through this thing with as little humiliation as possible.
00:29Oh, look at this. Your hospital cap.
00:34The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...
00:38Huh.
00:42Are you okay?
00:44Of course I am.
00:46It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our relationship.
00:53I knew it would come. I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster.
00:59All done.
01:02Is this your guest list?
01:05Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to invite so many friends.
01:09I don't even know some of these people.
01:13And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman? I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class.
01:18He's not so bad. Besides, the more people you invite, the more presents you get.
01:25Frederick, a bar mitzvah is a rite of passage, not an opportunity for you to collect presents.
01:33I'm sorry. You're right. I'll try to trim it down.
01:40Hey, Doc.
01:41Kenny.
01:42I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddy invited me to his bar mitzvah.
01:46He did?
01:47Yeah. What a great kid. That's your son, right?
01:51Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met.
01:55We haven't? I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny's stories.
02:02From whom?
02:05You sly kidder.
02:07Well, it sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find someone to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the way, I probably won't be able to afford to go.
02:15Hmm.
02:18Fun drive, I bet.
02:20Hmm.
02:21I guess I can just send him something.
02:23I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.
02:26Hey, Dr. Crane. Mazel tov.
02:39Hi, Ross.
02:40Freddy's so sweet, he sent me an invitation to his bar mitzvah.
02:45Yes. Apparently the people of Washington State have made quite an impression on him.
02:52Can you believe Freddy is 13 years old already?
02:58I can hardly think about it without choking up.
03:02This is my son, Ross.
03:05The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm.
03:11Little bald candy man.
03:15That's adorable.
03:17I had a boyfriend who called him...
03:31Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different religion from yours?
03:35Not at all, Ross.
03:37It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education and art, all values which I cherish.
03:45And though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual development, he has honored me by asking that I say a few words.
03:54And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew.
03:58Hi, Dr. Crane.
03:59Oh, hi, Noah.
04:00Hi, Ross. You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before.
04:07I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me.
04:18So, I don't think I can make the bar mitzvah.
04:21Great.
04:23I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noah.
04:27Great. You're not coming. Terrific.
04:30Yeah, sorry.
04:32Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew?
04:35Not learn it. I'm saving that pleasure for retirement.
04:40But I have composed a speech and I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
04:44Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want.
04:48You can? Really?
04:49Oh, no, thank you.
04:51Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.
04:56Certainly, whatever you like.
04:58Great. The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance.
05:04I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
05:09No, isn't this something you could do yourself?
05:12I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect.
05:19It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser.
05:26Noah, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?
05:30Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography.
05:37I see. Well, then, consider it done.
05:40Oh, thank you so much.
05:44Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the actual signing.
05:51And if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves.
05:59Okay.
06:00You'll be the head of the Bar Mitzvah, I promise.
06:04And don't be surprised if you get caught up in all the fun of the convention, too.
06:08I'll try to pace myself.
06:11Thanks again, Dr. Crane.
06:13No. How did you know I would do it?
06:17What do you mean?
06:19Well, you must have known I would do this for you or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
06:25Right.
06:27Hey, Niles, think fast.
06:30Ow!
06:34Dad!
06:35What is that?
06:37My good old Schmierblatt 7XK.
06:41The blinding-est, noisiest 15-pound camera ever produced in the former Soviet Union.
06:48Can you believe it?
06:50The blinding-est, noisiest 15-pound camera ever produced in the former Soviet Union.
06:56Can you believe it? Somehow it got buried deep down in storage.
07:00But Eddie and I found it just in time for the Bar Mitzvah.
07:04What smells like burning plastic?
07:07Oh, that means the flash unit's working.
07:10But I thought the retina-scorching flash meant that the flash unit was working.
07:14Not always.
07:17I still remember the night of my junior prom.
07:21Dad wanted to get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Coover.
07:25Unfortunately, it got a little too close,
07:28and the heat from the flash seared the gold plating off Margaret's necklace onto her skin.
07:34You never mentioned Margaret Coover before.
07:37I didn't. Margaret Coover.
07:40Petite, brunette, gilded.
07:48Ugh!
07:55Dear God, the old flash and wine!
07:58Yes, Dad found it.
08:01Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet.
08:05Oh, well, except for that one Thanksgiving
08:08when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
08:14That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad.
08:16Her bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
08:21Hey, Dad, do you know where the tripod is? I might need it for group shots.
08:25Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll help you look for it.
08:37Sherry?
08:38Freddie?
08:39Please, Nurse.
08:40I have good news.
08:42Tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum tomorrow,
08:45not to mention an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards.
08:50Oh, are you serious, Niles?
08:53Lunch with a Dada master? Oh, I'd love to come.
08:58But I can't.
08:59I have other plans.
09:02I promised Noel Shemsky that I'd do a favor for him and I've got to remain true to my word.
09:08Although, perhaps I could go to the show, leave the luncheon early and still fulfill my commitment.
09:15Oh, yes, of course you could.
09:17You're right, Niles.
09:22You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word Dada.
09:33I remember sweating with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant.
09:38But, of course, Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.
09:47Rage, good news, found the tripod.
09:50Oh.
09:52It's planned in.
09:54It's tough to watch your kids grow up.
09:58Well, he's still just a boy.
10:01He's only 13.
10:05It goes fast.
10:09How's Lilith taking it?
10:11Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her.
10:17Can't really say for sure.
10:18You know, she's always been rather guarded with her emotions.
10:21Not always, Frasier.
10:22I've seen her get quite emotional.
10:25I'm sure you have, Mr. Binhead, on that.
10:35What does that mean?
10:40Nothing.
10:45What are you hiding?
10:47Oh.
10:55Um, some years ago...
11:01In a complete...
11:03Drunk and stupid.
11:05Totally stinko.
11:06Yes, yes.
11:08I had an unplanned and instantly regretted night of amore...
11:21...with Lilith.
11:23A one-nighter?
11:24Of amore.
11:30Lilith?
11:31Well, it was after Maris, and it was long before you.
11:36In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it.
11:42And remember, I was drunk.
11:43You'd have to be, wouldn't you?
11:47Sorry, Frasier.
11:49No, no.
11:51Drinking definitely took the edge off.
11:57Um, when were you planning on sharing this interesting bit of information with me?
12:02Soon.
12:03Very soon.
12:06Never.
12:11Well, what's done is done.
12:14I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps.
12:19But just to be clear, are there any more secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis?
12:25No.
12:26Nobody.
12:27Nobody?
12:30Nobody.
12:33I certainly wouldn't count Anna-Marie Hanratty at the Natural History Museum.
12:39Frasier?
12:42I said I wouldn't count her.
12:46They just made out.
12:52It was for charity.
12:54It doesn't really matter.
12:56I mean, a woman makes out with everyone.
12:59She's not really the kind of person that you'd...
13:11Hi, Dr. Crane.
13:12Oh, hi, Noel.
13:13Ready for Yeshiva tomorrow?
13:15That means school.
13:16Yes, indeed I am.
13:17I'm looking forward to it.
13:19Listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some very bad news about the science fiction convention.
13:26Uh-uh.
13:27Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday.
13:32And even though I left the luncheon early, the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful.
13:36And by the time I got there, Mr. Bacula and all the others had gone.
13:41No.
13:45You made a promise and you welched on it.
13:48Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
13:53It's not really such a big deal, is it, Noel?
13:56It's a huge deal.
13:58Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bacula again.
14:01I'll be the laughingstock of my clan.
14:03Noel, try to remember.
14:05Clan?
14:08No, never mind.
14:09Never mind.
14:11Surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show.
14:16So was Brights Head Revisited.
14:21You're angry.
14:24So I'm going to ignore that.
14:27But with all due respect, Noel,
14:30perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grown-up person's life.
14:45Just a friendly suggestion.
14:49You're right.
14:51You did your best and that's good enough for me.
14:55Thank you, Noel.
14:57So, you'll still be my tutor?
15:00Sure.
15:02Good man.
15:03Thanks, Noel.
15:04I'll see you tomorrow.
15:07Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow.
15:12And by the rings of Septaurus V, you will pay, Dr. Crane.
15:20You...
15:21Oh, hi, Kenny.
15:22Will pay.
15:28Okay, Eddie, hit the talk button.
15:33And you're listening to The Best of Crane on KACL.
15:37We'll be back after these messages.
15:43Well, well.
15:44The fox and the hound working together.
15:48How ironic.
15:49I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston.
15:53By the way, he left you something.
15:56He did?
15:57Yeah.
16:07Whoa.
16:09A wig?
16:11That's cruel, even for Frasier.
16:15Cruel?
16:17It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek 28.
16:21Sitting on the edge of forever.
16:24It's probably still got her DNA in it.
16:29Dear Noel, I hope this begins to repay you for your great kindness to me,
16:34especially in light of my negligence.
16:37Your friend, Frasier Crane.
16:41He called me friend?
16:44That's really sweet of him.
16:47I've got to call him before he delivers his speech.
16:53You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?
16:56Not quite.
16:57They're the same words, but they're in Klingon.
17:03In Star Trek?
17:04That's not even real.
17:06It's the fastest growing language on the planet.
17:10This is what you people don't understand.
17:14A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision.
17:18Call him!
17:24Yippurach simcha b'fi kol chai, tamid l'olam va'ed.
17:30Baruch atz Adonai, mechad eish ha-shabbat.
17:37Amen.
17:40Yasha koach, Frederick.
17:43That was a beautiful passage and a wonderful reading.
17:48You honor us all by including...
17:52Oh!
18:01You honor us all by including us in this important occasion,
18:06but you have chosen to specially honor your parents,
18:11Lilith and Frasier, by asking them to conclude this ceremony.
18:16Lilith.
18:17Lilith.
18:34Excuse me.
18:35Would the photographer please refrain from taking any more pictures
18:40until after the ceremony is over?
18:42Sorry, Rabbi.
18:43Go on.
18:48I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-age ritual
18:53of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane.
19:04Frederick, on this momentous occasion,
19:09I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler
19:15who once danced naked at the Boston Pops.
19:21The little boy whose favorite meal was biscotti.
19:27I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together
19:32reading The Cat in the Hat.
19:36The sun did not shine.
19:39It was too wet to play.
19:42So we sat in the house on that cold, cold, wet day.
19:52Don't grow up!
19:54Not yet!
19:56Nice girlfriend you've got there.
19:59Not yet!
20:02Not yet!
20:04If you're trying to embarrass me, it's not going to work.
20:08Come here, daddy's little peanut man!
20:16It'll be all right.
20:18We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father, Frasier,
20:23who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow his son's fine example
20:28and deliver it in Hebrew.
20:34I'll keep this short.
20:35Thanks, dad.
20:50Po-ach.
20:55Lord Wille-co-o.
20:58Po-ach.
21:01Hach-jaj-sho-co-of-mo-ach.
21:08Leng-leej-lo-or-tem.
21:11Jaj-leng-weej-vod-bel-rat.
21:16Sho-ve-da-no-be-co-o-bo-ach.
21:22Shabbat shalom.
21:25Oh, that was lovely.
21:30What was that gobbledygook?
21:33Well, it's a blessing from my son, Po-ach, Lord Wille-co-o.
21:39That means nothing, it's gibberish.
21:42What?
21:43That's not gibberish, it's Klingon.
21:50What?
21:52Oh, dear God.
21:54Freddy's dad just blessed him in Klingon.
22:00I'm... I'm terribly sorry, I... I...
22:05Will you excuse me, please?
22:09Okay, everybody.
22:11It's better to end with laughter than tears.
22:15I don't know how they say it in outer space, but
22:18here we say
22:22Ahava v'Shalom.
22:26Love and peace.
22:30Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room in 20 minutes.
22:43Hey, that was awesome, gay lord.
22:48Shut up, Berman.
22:50Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.
22:55What did he say?
22:57Well, roughly translated, it says
23:01My dearest son, each day you redeem me.
23:05May your journey be filled with the same joy, wisdom, and purpose you have given mine.
23:14It's a lot more beautiful than the original Klingon.
23:19But it's still really cool.
23:23Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more?
23:27Oh, I think I did.
23:29I've been trying to console myself with the idea that
23:32without embarrassing parents there'd be no psychology.
23:38Poor kid.
23:40Actually, today he is a man.
23:45He is, isn't he?
23:47Mazel tov.
23:49You must be very proud of your son, not yourselves.
23:57We are, thank you.
24:00Frederick, listen, I want to apologize.
24:04There was this guy at the radio station, he was going to teach me Hebrew.
24:08You don't have to explain it, Dad.
24:11Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
24:16Berman translated your speech for me.
24:19It was pretty good.
24:21So you liked it?
24:22Yeah. I don't want to get all mushy or anything.
24:26I'm a little old for that now.
24:28But, you know.
24:31Yeah, I know.
24:35Can you forgive me?
24:38Yeah, for everything but naming me Gaylord.
24:47That was lovely.
24:54Hey, everybody, look this way!
24:57Oh, no!
25:05Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:09Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:12Quite stylish
25:15And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:18Well, maybe, but I got you picked
25:21Ha, ha, ha, ha
25:24But I don't know what to do
25:26With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:30They're calling again
25:34Frasier has left the building.