Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
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00:37Oh, for goodness sake!
00:39Well, what if you say something?
00:41And it better not be cock-a-doodle-doo!
00:44Our guests come to Deptree for family entertainment, and what did you give them?
00:49Norman Bates in a sparkly jacket?
00:52Performing live in a section on a puppet?
00:55I thought you were in that audience.
01:00You've probably scowled them for life, but far worse than that!
01:04Solana Benidorm, just please.
01:14No, this is not Mario.
01:16This is, er...
01:19Leslie Light.
01:21He, he, he, he.
01:24No, Miss Temple Savage is not here.
01:27She has gone out like...
01:30He, he, he, he, he, he, he.
01:34Why, I, for now, then.
01:40You do know that way I isn't Geordie for goodbye?
01:44No, and I hope she does not either.
01:47That was Crystal Hennessy, boss.
01:49Oh, you know, you never did tell me what happened last year when she took you on that cruise.
01:54Terrible things, Leslie. Terrible things.
01:58I am still having the flashbacks.
02:00Everywhere I look, there are things that remind me of that time.
02:03Get out the pair of you, you blithering idiots,
02:07and take this bloody thing with you!
02:20DOOR KNOCKS
02:24Hello!
02:27Pauline!
02:29Wakey, wakey!
02:31Oh! Oh! Oh!
02:37Oh, it's you, Muse. What are you doing here?
02:40I brought you a nice cup of coffee.
02:43Oh, vile sludge!
02:46I always prepare my own wake-up juice the night before.
02:50There it is. Look, pass it down here, would you, Muse?
02:55Oh, it's empty.
02:58You must have drunk it.
03:00Doesn't matter how drunk I am, I never touch my wake-up juice before morning.
03:04Two parts gin, two parts vodka, with just the teensiest dash of OJ.
03:09You must have drunk it. I did not!
03:16Aunty Doreen. What?
03:18Remember, we topped and tailed.
03:21She tried to leave at midnight with me,
03:24but you insisted she stayed to celebrate with you.
03:27Celebrate what?
03:29You finished your book.
03:31I did? And I just read the whole thing.
03:34Pauline, it's fantastic.
03:37Did you drink my wake-up juice?
03:39Of course I did.
03:41Now, get dressed.
03:43We have to discuss which publishers
03:47we are going to send this masterpiece to.
03:52Oh! Publishers!
03:56So she fired you?
03:58Yes.
04:00Your own wife?
04:02Yes.
04:06This must be very embarrassing for a man like you.
04:09A tad.
04:11I'm thinking perhaps you would like me to stop talking to you.
04:14I'm not talking to you.
04:16I'm talking to you.
04:18I'm not talking to you.
04:20I'm not talking to you.
04:22I'm thinking perhaps you would like me to stop talking about it.
04:26Might be an idea.
04:31What's the hotel like? Is it a nice hotel?
04:34Where's Sid? Is she with you now?
04:36Can you put her on?
04:38Sid! Oh, congratulations.
04:40We're all beside ourselves here.
04:42I can't wait to see you again in person and give you a big hug.
04:46What's the ring like?
04:48He hasn't given you a ring?
04:50Why hasn't he given you a ring?
04:52He's not given her a ring.
04:54Put them back on, will you?
04:56Rob, why haven't you given her a ring?
04:58Hang on, didn't you have one here?
05:00What do you mean you took it back?
05:02Do you know her birthstone?
05:04What do you mean you don't know her birthstone?
05:06Put her on, will you?
05:08Rob, ignore your mam.
05:10Turn off your phone. Enjoy yourself.
05:12Bye.
05:14Sharon, they've just got engaged and they're in Paris.
05:17Do you not think they've got better things to do
05:19than play 20 questions with us?
05:21You're right. You're right.
05:23I'm just so excited.
05:25Oh, just think about it.
05:27It's nearly our 25th wedding anniversary
05:29and our little Robbie has got himself engaged.
05:32In a couple of years' time, we could actually be grandparents.
05:35Yeah? Yeah.
05:42Billy...
05:45We're not old, are we?
05:47What?
05:49I mean, you know what they say,
05:5145 is the new 30.
05:54Yeah, but what's 50?
05:56I don't know.
05:58Have you two not done troughing yet?
06:00Yeah, come on, we need to bag our place by the pool
06:03before the prunes get it.
06:06SIREN BLARES
06:12Actually, Sharon and I were thinking of heading off into Benidorm for the day,
06:16weren't we, babe? Yeah.
06:18We're not really the sitting-around type.
06:20Since when?
06:22Since always, ma'am. We're not 51, you know.
06:29What are you doing?
06:31You can't pack those now. What, my posh clothes?
06:34Yes, but the closest you've got to smart, you'll need them this afternoon.
06:38Will I? Why?
06:40Dennis, how many times do I have to go through this with you?
06:43The flight back is this evening.
06:45That means we spend the morning lounging around the pool one last time,
06:48then with an hour to spare, we make the arrest.
06:51What's that got to do with my trousers?
06:53Well, you can hardly arrest him dressed in beachwear, can you?
06:56For once, let's try to look professional.
07:00You might want to give your moustache a little trim as well.
07:03You look like a hipster.
07:06OK, Nigel, what are you going to wear?
07:09Me? I'm fine as I am.
07:11But you're in your beachwear? Yes.
07:13But mine doesn't have stupid little anchors all over it, does it?
07:16I like the little anchors.
07:21Oh, Joey, Callum, I need you to do us a favour.
07:24I'm supposed to pick up some discount cards for a walking tour they run in the old town.
07:28I've nipped there myself, but Temple Savage isn't best pleased with me at the moment.
07:32You can just see or report me if I abandon my desk.
07:34Just tell Marco I sent you.
07:37Little Booth by the marina.
07:39You'll need to get there before 11, though.
07:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:43What exactly is in this for us?
07:50Oh, well, all right.
07:53No, no, Joey, Joey, that's not in it for him, just you.
07:56All right. I did wonder.
07:58Well, you can just keep me company, then.
08:01I mean on the walk down, not when I'm...
08:03Yeah, I think he gets it, Joey.
08:05Yes, well, I fancy to walk anyway, actually, so...
08:13Publish it?
08:15But you can't. It's pornography.
08:18Not really.
08:20It's erotica.
08:22A bit like pornography, only for posh people.
08:27You know something, Norrie?
08:29You've never encouraged this girl.
08:32It's no wonder that she's taken so long to find her true calling.
08:38Oh, when will that thing open?
08:41Right, well, I'd better get back to my boyfriend.
08:47You are still coming for lunch, aren't you, Pauline?
08:51Mm.
08:53A bear-bear for now.
08:56Pauline?
08:58Pauline, love, are you sober?
09:00Look at the state of me. I'm blind sober.
09:04Then perhaps you should read this again, now, before the bar opens.
09:09No. I'd have to take my sunglasses off.
09:12I refuse to surrender to this hangover.
09:15Well, I suppose I'll have to read it to you.
09:18Ooh!
09:20Just like Jack and Norrie.
09:28PHONE RINGS
09:32Shalana Benidorm, Leslie speaking.
09:35Oh, Miss Hennessey Voss, it's been a while.
09:40Oh, aye, er, we did talk earlier.
09:43I forgot. Ha-ha.
09:46You're after Mrs Temple-Savage?
09:48Erm, er, no, she's not back yet.
09:52I'll tell her you called.
09:54Erm...
09:56Why, aye, for now, then.
09:59Why, aye, for now, then?
10:01It's a long story.
10:03Well, anyway, thank you for covering for me.
10:05God only knows what she wants, but I've had my fill
10:08of conversing with loonies for the time being.
10:11Not here, she might not want to look up.
10:13What?
10:16Hello! How are you? Sammy Valentino, nice to meet you.
10:19I know exactly who you are, Mr Valentino.
10:22Our entire hotel knows who you are.
10:24You traumatised half our guests last night.
10:27Who loves you?!
10:29SCREAMS
10:30Kids' eggs. Anyway, I'm looking for my manager, Monty Staines.
10:33Do you know him? Know him?
10:35He's my husband and I've just fired him.
10:37What, for being your husband?
10:39No, from being this hotel's entertainment manager.
10:42Which means you no longer have any business here,
10:45so I suggest you leave right away before I call the police.
10:48Ooh!
10:50Well, I suggest you call a solicitor while you're at it
10:53and get him to have a look at this.
10:55A menu? No, no, no.
10:57It's a contract between me, Sammy Valentino,
11:00and Solana Entertainment,
11:02guaranteeing me two live stage performances per week
11:06for the next 12 months, and it's signed and dated right there.
11:09You see? Monty Staines.
11:12Who loves you?!
11:13SCREAMS
11:15Perhaps you should come into my office
11:17and discuss this further, away from people.
11:19No, you're right, cos people tend to get very excited around me.
11:22You're handshaking. What a waste. Come on.
11:24Fine, Monty.
11:34Hello.
11:36I'm here. Are you home?
11:38Yeah, in the kitchen.
11:40Oh, you've picked up some groceries.
11:43You're such a treasure.
11:45I don't deserve you, I really don't.
11:49Hmm?
11:51Oh, my niece is coming for lunch.
11:54Can't wait for you to meet her.
11:59Neither can I.
12:07Hello!
12:11Hello!
12:13Hello, is anybody home?
12:15Louie, I think if someone was in, they'd have answered by now.
12:18They've obviously taken a group off.
12:20She did say to get here by 11.
12:23Maybe the cards are still in there.
12:2619 euros to look at some old churches and stuff.
12:29I bet they hardly get any punters.
12:31Who comes on holiday to look at bricks?
12:34I think I've got something.
12:37Celebrity walking tours.
12:39That's where it's at these days.
12:41I've seen people back home queue around the block for that sort of nonsense.
12:44Half of it's probably made up.
12:46Come see the nightclub doorway Zac Efron once threw up in.
12:50Is that round here somewhere, then?
12:52What?
12:54Oh, erm...
12:56Well, you'll just have to take the tour to find out, won't you?
12:5912 euro, or 10 and a smile.
13:02Lovely. Thank you.
13:04We'll be starting in ten minutes.
13:07Callum, what are you doing?
13:09A celebrity walking tour of Benidorm.
13:11Yeah, but we're not tour guides, and there's no celebrities in Benidorm.
13:15We are now.
13:17Last call for Benidorm's celebrity premier walking tour.
13:21Follow in the footsteps of the stars.
13:24And just like that, it was as if I'd never been to Benidorm.
13:30It was as if I...
13:33Oh, dear.
13:37As if a volcano had erupted between...
13:45Oh, dear.
13:47Between...
13:49Between a what?!
13:52I wrote that.
13:54I really wrote that.
13:56And this is just chapter two.
14:00God.
14:02What's wrong with me?
14:04You're a troubled genius.
14:06I'm just troubled.
14:15Pauline, love, no.
14:18I'm not going to the bar, Mum.
14:20I'm going to Aunty Dorian's.
14:22I can't let her send this to a publisher.
14:24I can't let anyone see it. I just can't.
14:31Thanks, Mum.
14:42You wanted to see me? I...
14:45Sammy. Monty, can you explain this?
14:49Yeah, the menu?
14:51What...this?
14:53Monty, that is our contract.
14:55I was telling your bird here all about it,
14:57how you guarantee me two live stage performances per week.
15:01You surely don't expect.
15:03Not after last night.
15:05Last night?
15:07You do remember last night, don't you, Sammy?
15:09Of course I remember last night, Monty.
15:11I had four encores and a standing ovation
15:13and all those people chanting,
15:15Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
15:18Then...
15:19And then the strangest thing happened.
15:21I looked down to the audience
15:23and I saw my father there,
15:25standing there with a big bowl of hot chicken soup.
15:29What's all that about, Monty? What's all that about?
15:31Oh, my God.
15:33Monty, just see you outside, please.
15:38Daddy don't like the chicken soup.
15:41Daddy, it's got sage croutons.
15:44I don't like sage croutons.
15:46He's completely deranged.
15:48Oh, you noticed that, did you?
15:49Then why did you put a clause in the contract
15:51stating his services couldn't be terminated,
15:53regardless of circumstances, for at least 12 months?
15:56Regardless, Monty?
15:58Oh...
16:00Well, to be honest, he dictated most of this.
16:03Brilliant. Just brilliant.
16:05Monty's got us over a barrel.
16:07Excuse me.
16:09I'm going to be rehearsing for tonight's live performance,
16:11so if you'd be so kind as to pour him in the direction of my dressing room,
16:14thank you.
16:16Now, surely a man of your talent doesn't rehearse,
16:20he merely prepares.
16:22And what better way to prepare than a complete makeover?
16:26I mean, hairstyled, teeth white and skin...
16:30..oranged?
16:31Leslie, why don't you take our new headlining act over to the salon?
16:36Anything he wants is on the house.
16:38Nee bother, Mrs Chee. Lead on.
16:45Right.
16:46We are going to have to find some way out of this mess.
17:1125 years.
17:16Do you remember our first date?
17:18Of course.
17:20We went to the movies,
17:22then on the way out there was that street dancer,
17:26and I figured it was as good a time as any to show off a few moves of my own.
17:30Oh, God, that's right.
17:32You did that thing you always used to do.
17:34Mr Funky Robot.
17:36You look like you're having a slow-motion seizure set to drum and bass.
17:39Well, that didn't stop my passer-by sticking 50p into my empty popcorn box,
17:43though, did it?
17:44She didn't even give to the actual performer.
17:46Why should I? I earned it.
17:50Plus, it made you laugh.
17:54That's when I fell in love with you, you know.
17:57First time I heard you laugh.
18:00Aww.
18:04You know, when I fell in love with you?
18:07That very same night, our first kiss.
18:12Really?
18:13Really.
18:14You were walking me back home,
18:16and you just suddenly stopped and you turned to me and...
18:20You know in the old movies when the couple kiss
18:23and then suddenly there's fireworks going off in the sky above them?
18:28Well, that happened.
18:30That actually happened.
18:33Did it?
18:35I don't remember that.
18:36Well, not literally, you plank.
18:38Metaphorically.
18:41And when we kiss now, do you still hear those fireworks?
18:48Yeah.
18:50Yeah, sure.
18:57Keep him here.
18:58What's that supposed to mean? This is a salon, not a frigging creche.
19:01You know, we deserve danger money for this.
19:03From what I've heard, this guy is two lines short of a margarita.
19:07Who loves you?
19:08Margarita.
19:09Who loves you?
19:12So where do you want me?
19:13Said the actress to the bishop.
19:15Which actress?
19:16What? What?
19:17Jesus Christ, like a conversation in a nursing home.
19:19Right, would you like to take a seat here, Mr Valentino?
19:22Now, as you know, the Barnet is a bit of a trademark,
19:24so let's not go too radical.
19:25No, no, no.
19:26Maybe just take a little bit off the top to start with.
19:28I think, yeah.
19:30Off the top of, um...
19:32But it's a wig.
19:34Off the top of your hair.
19:36The hair that's growing out of your head?
19:38Yeah, this one.
19:39I'm not going to have you touching any hair that's growing anywhere else, am I?
19:43Not unless you're going to take me out for dinner first.
19:45OK.
20:08And here we have the start of The Yellow Brick Road
20:12from the movie The Wizard of Oz.
20:14Now, as you can see, the yellow paint has worn away slightly.
20:20And the area is much more built up now.
20:23But this was indeed the actual spot Julie Garland sang Edelweiss.
20:28Joey, over to you.
20:31Yes, and you remember where we showed you
20:35where they filmed Jaws on the marina?
20:38Well, if you look up here,
20:41that flat there with the purple flowers on the balcony,
20:45that's where Steven Spielberg wrote many of his movies,
20:52including Saving Private Brian and The Ghoulies.
20:58And, of course, the purple flowers inspired him to write The Colour Purple,
21:04which was about...
21:05About two hours long.
21:08OK, last to see, folks. Let's keep it moving.
21:19Oh, you made it then. Come on in.
21:22Yes, um...
21:24Auntie, we need to talk.
21:27That's odd. Where's Malcolm?
21:30He was just here.
21:34Malcolm?
21:38Malcolm?
21:48Malcolm.
21:49Hello, Pauline.
21:59Do we really have to arrest him?
22:01I mean, it's just a bit of tax fraud at the end of the day.
22:04Dennis, we work for the fraud department.
22:06Look, this is literally our last chance to bump up a rank.
22:10Do you have any idea the difference this will make to our pensions?
22:16OK, Nigel.
22:19Hey, what's this?
22:21Nothing.
22:22Nigel?
22:24I bought it for me and you to share after we made the arrest.
22:28Now you've ruined it all with your let him go talk.
22:32You soured the whole thing.
22:34You bought this for us.
22:37I'm really sorry, Nigel.
22:39So you should be.
22:40Hey, why don't we open it now?
22:43You're definitely going to go through with the arrest?
22:45Yeah.
22:46Will you get changed out of that anchor shirt?
22:48Absolutely.
22:50Well, OK.
22:56Hey, let me.
22:57I can do it.
22:59Let me.
23:03There you see.
23:04You can't do it.
23:10Nigel?
23:12Nigel!
23:14Nigel!
23:15Nige!
23:16Can we get some help?
23:18Please, I can't swim!
23:20Nigel!
23:23Get some help, please!
23:26But...
23:28..you two know each other?
23:31We were engaged.
23:33He's obsessed with me.
23:35Oh, but he's my boyfriend.
23:38Wake up and smell the Ovaltine, will you?
23:42There's only ever been one woman for me.
23:45And now...
23:48..I'm here to reclaim her.
23:50Is that a flare gun?
23:52Have you any idea how hard it is to get hold of an actual gun?
23:55I mean, it still fires, doesn't it?
23:57Now, the pair of you, go and sit down.
24:00Now!
24:02Come on, move, move!
24:04Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Come on.
24:08Good.
24:12Don't you worry about it, fella.
24:14All salon staff are fully trained in first aid and resuscitation.
24:18Off you go, then.
24:20Why should I do this?
24:22I'm the one who pulled your mouth.
24:24You should be the one doing the rest of life.
24:26Yeah, but you're younger than me, aren't you?
24:28Fitter lungs, isn't that?
24:30Yes, but my fitter lungs have already been worked to excesses
24:33with the swimming and the pulling.
24:36For God's sake, will one of you do it?
24:39All right, stand back.
24:42All right, stand back.
24:55Freeze! Freeze!
24:57What did you just say?
24:59It's delirious, that's all.
25:01Yeah, I'll take it from here.
25:03Come on, Knights.
25:08What just happened?
25:11You accidentally fell into the pool, somehow.
25:14Oh.
25:17And the guy we're supposed to arrest...
25:21He's just saved your life.
25:24Oh, well, this isn't awkward at all, is it?
25:41I suppose that would have been us once.
25:44But just because we don't act daft anymore doesn't necessarily mean...
25:48Billy?
25:50Billy, where are you...?
25:56Oh, no.
25:57Oh, yes.
25:58Oh, no, no, not Mr Funky Robot.
26:00You know it, baby. He's back.
26:04Oh, no thanks.
26:09Hey, piss off somewhere else.
26:12Go on, clear off, you old man.
26:17Go, go, go.
26:21Well, I'm going to go and get my stuff.
26:24I'm going to go and get my stuff.
26:26I'm going to go and get my stuff.
26:28I'm going to go and get my stuff.
26:30I'm going to go and get my stuff.
26:32Well, at least you made more than last time.
26:34Who said some things don't improve with age, eh?
26:44Have you pulled a muscle?
26:45No.
26:49Really?
26:51OK, no, no, never mind, Sir Henry, no, no, no.
26:55Thank you so much for checking for me.
27:02His passport's up to date.
27:04And he's got all his papers.
27:07So, I guess we have to rule out deportation.
27:11Well, that's it then.
27:13We've ruled out everything.
27:24We still can't say if Asya's on the phone again.
27:26I think she might be starting to suspect Ajam, not Leslie.
27:29Fine, put her through.
27:31She's already through.
27:35Crystal, how are...
27:38Of course I've been avoiding you, I've just been very...
27:44Mateo?
27:49Well, I must say, Crystal, I think this is very short notice.
27:52I mean, when exactly were...
27:56This afternoon.
27:59Could we just please talk...
28:01Hello?
28:03Hello?
28:10Crystal has requested your company on another pleasure cruise.
28:17An eight-month pleasure cruise.
28:21Apparently, a driver will be picking you up within the hour.
28:28I see.
28:34Well, it has been a pleasure working with you these past few years.
28:39But, Ajam, I'm afraid I must go now.
28:43To throw myself off the top of a cliff.
28:46Monty.
28:48Hello.
28:49Just have a look and tell me what's happening here.
28:52Miss Geneseva, she's wanting me to be her porcupine again.
28:55Concubine.
28:57No, porcupine.
29:00You do not know the half of it.
29:02But that's illegal, isn't it?
29:06Yes, well, she doesn't put that down on his employment form, does she?
29:09She's not stupid.
29:11She has him down as a...
29:14As a what?
29:15An entertainer.
29:16Entertainer?
29:23Okay, so here we have one of the many locations used in Benidorm for the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
29:31Now, this was, of course, used for the famous ice cream...
29:36Room...
29:37Scene.
29:38Which leads us on to the...
29:42Fudge packing room.
29:44And as a special treat, we have arranged for a free ice cream tasting session with...
29:49Free ice cream tasting session with one of the original Oompa Loompas!
29:57Please form an orderly queue.
30:02Come on, let's get out of here.
30:05I should probably answer that.
30:09Nobody is answering anything.
30:11But it might be the publisher about Pauline's book.
30:16What? You mean you've already sent it?
30:19As soon as I got in.
30:21Ah, yes, the famous book.
30:24See what happens, Pauline, when I'm not there to take care of you?
30:27Drunk as a skunk writing pornography.
30:30See what happens, Pauline, when I'm not there to take care of you?
30:33Drunk as a skunk writing pornography.
30:36It's erotica.
30:38No, no, it's pornography.
30:42And I'm not drunk.
30:44I know you're not. Which is why you'll need these.
30:49You see, Pauline, unfortunately,
30:52our relationship is very much based on you being out of control
30:57and me protecting you from yourself.
31:00So come on, drinky-poo.
31:03No.
31:05Drink the vodka, Pauline!
31:08Oh, dear. Something's wrong.
31:12Something's very wrong.
31:15I think it's my sister.
31:17Oh, is it your psychopathic link again?
31:20What are you feeling?
31:22She's in danger.
31:25Real danger.
31:35A world tour?
31:37I promised you the world, Sammy.
31:39And I'm giving you the world.
31:41I promised you the world, Sammy.
31:43And I'm giving you the world,
31:45as viewed through the porthole of your own private dressing room
31:50aboard a luxury cruise liner.
31:53I've taken the liberty of drawing up a new contract for you.
31:58It renders the old one love and void.
32:00Of course, that shouldn't be a problem.
32:02So, er...
32:04I just need your autograph on the bottom.
32:08I'll just give it a little read-through first.
32:11Oh, yes, yeah, of course.
32:23Do you think he'll sign?
32:25Yeah, of course he'll sign.
32:27Hey, you do realise that's a wig he's wearing, don't you?
32:30He's been staring at his own reflection
32:32for the last two hours in the mirror
32:34while me and Liam have been playing cards.
32:36He said it was the best haircut he's ever had.
32:38I don't know.
32:39For some reason, he becomes dangerously sane
32:41when it comes to contracts.
32:43None of this is making sense to me.
32:45Do you really think Miss Hannessy Bass will be accepting him over me?
32:49I mean, it is like ordering the lobster and being given the prawn.
32:53Mateo, at a risk of damaging your ego,
32:57if the stories about Crystal are true,
33:00we could stick a vest on a donkey and she'd still be happy.
33:04He's coming. Act naturally.
33:09Monty, it's about this contract.
33:12Er, yes?
33:14It needs a witness.
33:16Oh, wait, wait.
33:30So me Valentina's going global, baby!
33:35OK.
33:37Here we go.
33:39No turning back.
33:42Right.
33:44You know what?
33:46I think you should take this one.
33:48I feel you've earned it.
33:50Can't we just let him go, Nige?
33:52If we go home empty-handed, we're finished.
33:56Officers!
33:58We're not officers!
34:01Officers!
34:03We're not officers! We're greengrocers, OK?
34:06Retired greengrocers.
34:08Oh, please, you've got to help us.
34:11It's me sister and me daughter.
34:14I think they're in real danger.
34:18Would you let us put off the inevitable for a bit longer?
34:23OK. Exactly what's going down?
34:26We can explain on the way.
34:30OK.
34:53Er, excuse me.
34:55Oh, Sam.
34:57Listen, I'm really sorry.
34:59We completely forgot about the tokens or the vouchers,
35:01or whatever they were, didn't we?
35:03Aye, we totally forgot.
35:05Sorry.
35:06That's OK.
35:07Marco came over and brought them himself.
35:09Cool.
35:10Well, we're going to go and get changed
35:12and then head up to British Square for the night.
35:14I thought you were skin.
35:15We had a walk around the old town and, er, found some money.
35:18Yeah, fascinating place.
35:20We should go there some time.
35:22So you didn't make it to the walking tour booth?
35:25No, sorry.
35:27No worries.
35:28Apparently Marco had a very slow day anyway.
35:31Woo!
35:33We've been walking for miles,
35:35so better hop on that shower, eh?
35:37Yeah, laters.
35:39Er, Joey.
35:41Nice hat.
35:46They're learning.
35:58Come on, Pauline.
36:00I know they're calling to you.
36:02Give in.
36:04Choose your poison.
36:06And you can forget all of this silliness.
36:10I mean, nothing but blissful oblivion.
36:13And me?
36:15Waiting at the end of it all.
36:18Oh, Sam.
36:22Not a word.
36:40Malc!
36:42Oh, great, it's the other one.
36:44Nigel, it's Malcolm Barrett.
36:46It's the Fox.
36:49Bloody is the norm.
36:51Half the British constabulary are looking for you.
36:53Brilliant.
36:54This day just gets better and better, doesn't it?
36:56Right, inside, all of you.
36:58Is that a flag?
37:00Oh, everyone's a bloody critic.
37:02Come on, in, in, in, in.
37:03You, you, you.
37:04Go on, in.
37:05Move it.
37:07Wow.
37:09I've got my own driver with blacked-out windows.
37:12Of course.
37:13Only the best for Solana Cruz's latest and greatest headline act.
37:19Thank you, Monty.
37:21Not at all.
37:25No, really.
37:30For everything.
37:34You know, this might be hard to believe, right,
37:38but there was a part of me that was worried
37:41that I might be past my sell-by date.
37:43You know, like a washed-up has-been.
37:49But you changed all that.
37:52You're not just my manager, Monty.
37:57You're my friend.
38:02You're my best friend.
38:10Right.
38:11Right, the world awaits.
38:13Ha!
38:15Oh, God, what are we doing?
38:17Monty.
38:18The poor kid.
38:20She'll eat him alive.
38:21Monty, keep it together.
38:22He's almost gone.
38:25Who loves you?
38:27Sammy loves you.
38:28Come on.
38:29I said, who loves you?
38:31Sammy loves you!
38:32Louder!
38:33Who loves you?
38:35Get in the bloody car!
38:37All right, all right.
38:38Calm down.
38:39Let's go.
38:44The Fox?
38:46Yeah.
38:47His picture's been on our wanted board forever.
38:50He has parted more gullible people from their money
38:53than PPI insurance.
38:55Then two years ago, he just stopped.
38:59That's when he met me.
39:00Exactly.
39:02You saved me, Pauline, don't you see?
39:04I left all that behind and focused on making you better.
39:08I've only ever wanted what's best for you.
39:10You know that.
39:11Now, will you please down half a bottle and eat vodka
39:14so we can move on with our lives?
39:17What about the others? Will you let them go?
39:19Pauline, after a few sips of what ails you,
39:21you're not going to care any more.
39:23Well, you're going to kill us, aren't you?
39:25How's he going to kill us with a flag on?
39:28Have you ever heard of spontaneous human combustion?
39:31How would you like a practical demonstration?
39:33All right, all right, I'll do it.
39:36Eh?
39:55Yeah, that's it.
39:57Through the mouth, over the gums.
40:00Look out, brain.
40:02Here it...
40:04Oh, Christ!
40:08I have to say, Billy,
40:10it's been fun being young with you again.
40:12Well, we're not done repeating history just yet.
40:15What do you mean?
40:17We've finished the date,
40:19the impromptu display of dancing,
40:22and now we're on to the bit when I'm walking you home.
40:25And I stop...
40:27turn to you...
40:31and then...
40:35Get it off him!
40:52Tell me you heard that.
40:54Oh, I heard it.
41:00You were nicked, sunshine.
41:03Yeah, you said it.
41:06He's always wanted to say that.
41:25Checking out, please? Of course.
41:27Did you enjoy your stay?
41:29Actually, yes.
41:30Might even come back again sometime.
41:32Bring the wife. Good.
41:34He enjoyed it too, then.
41:36Sorry? No.
41:38You'll laugh when I tell you this,
41:40but when you first arrived,
41:42my senior receptionist thought you looked like undercover police officers.
41:47Undercover...
41:51No offence.
41:53Making me carry your suitcases for such a thing as prisoners' rights.
41:57Oh, it gets worse.
41:59We're making you pay the cab fare too.
42:05Feel free to let your senior receptionist know
42:08he doesn't have to keep looking over his shoulder any more.
42:11We caught a far bigger fish.
42:15No offence.
42:17HE CHUCKLES
42:39Liam. Liam.
42:41I was just looking over the cellar and I found this.
42:48MUSIC PLAYS
42:51Mateo, where's Leslie?
42:53I do not know. I can't be stuck here on my own.
42:58Liam?
43:00Have you seen your...
43:02Liam, what is it?
43:04It's a letter from his dad.
43:06He's gone on the run. What?!
43:08He said he heard those two men talking.
43:10He said there were undercover officers all along, just like he thought.
43:14Yes, I know they were, but they weren't after him.
43:17Well, I mean, they were after him.
43:19Well, I mean, they're not any more.
43:21It's complicated, OK?
43:23What else does he say? Does he say where he's gone? Does he say anything?
43:27That he loves me. Oh.
43:29And he's sorry.
43:31Oh, love, come here. Come here.
43:34Joyce?
43:37Since I need to find a new job now,
43:39I was wondering if you could give me a reference, as you're the only...
43:45I'll come back.
43:55And here we are in heaven
44:03For you are mine
44:09Forever
44:26OK, sorted.
44:28Taxis take us to the airport first thing in the morning.
44:31Then as soon as we get home,
44:33I'm calling my old boss and asking for my job back.
44:36I don't know what I was thinking with this writing business.
44:42Hello?
44:44Yes, speaking.
44:46Calling?
44:48Yes, he's here.
44:50Hold on.
44:52Hello?
44:55Who?
44:57Oh, I see. No, no, listen.
44:59You shouldn't have been sent that. It was...
45:02I'm sorry, say that again.
45:05I look forward to meeting you too.
45:07Bye.
45:09Oh, what's that?
45:11The publisher auntie emailed the book to.
45:13They want to print it.
45:15Oh, Polly, no.
45:17They think it should be the first part of a trilogy.
45:19Oh, Polly, no.
45:21And they're willing to pay me in advance of £10,000.
45:25Oh, Polly, no.
45:27How much?
45:29What do you say, muse?
45:31I think I might have a few windows in me diary.
45:35Because I'm going to need all the help I can get.
45:38Especially as I intend to write the next two completely sober.
45:42Now that I'll drink to.
45:45Cheers.
46:16And for more comedy,
46:18join Harry Hill for the new series of his Alien Fun Capsule
46:21Saturday at 7.30.
46:24Back to tonight as spies Elizabeth and Philip
46:26clash over their duels in Cold War drama
46:28The Americans Knew, over on ITV4 Next.
46:45.