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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:02Good afternoon, Penny.
00:03So, hi. Hey.
00:05Uh...
00:07I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
00:09Uh, you mean dinner tonight?
00:11I was thinking 6.30, if you can go, or a different time.
00:13Uh, 6.30's great.
00:15Really?
00:18Great.
00:19Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
00:21Us guys?
00:22You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj. Who all's coming?
00:26They...
00:28Might all be there.
00:31Or a subset of them might be there.
00:34Algebraically speaking, there are too many unknowns.
00:37Okay, whatever. It sounds like fun.
00:40Great.
00:41Did we say a time?
00:426.30.
00:43And that's still good for you?
00:44It's fine.
00:45Because it's not carved in stone.
00:46No, 6.30's great.
00:48I'll get my chisel.
00:49Why?
00:51To carve the...
00:53Okay, I'll see you at 6.30.
00:55How come you didn't go into work today?
00:57I'm taking a sabbatical.
00:59Because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
01:02So you got canned, huh?
01:04Theoretical physicists do not get canned.
01:08But yeah.
01:10Maybe it's all for the best.
01:12You know, I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
01:15No, it doesn't.
01:17Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
01:22No, no, I meant...
01:23One door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
01:27Never mind.
01:30Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
01:33We're fine.
01:35You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
01:37Oh, sure I am.
01:38No, no. Let me do the math for you.
01:40This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds.
01:42Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
01:45120?
01:46Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you?
01:48Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
01:51Well, yeah.
01:53Interesting.
01:54Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400 pounds.
01:58Let's say 4,390.
02:00Fine.
02:01We're traveling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour.
02:05Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
02:09Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us.
02:13An impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation, and...
02:17Oh, look, they built a new putt-putt course.
02:23This is great.
02:25Look at me.
02:26I'm in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colorless, workaday lives.
02:33No, thank you.
02:35Thank you, ordinary person.
02:39Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
02:42Uh, no, no, not really.
02:44Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?
02:46Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth
02:50knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
02:53Oh, okay, well, maybe you should start heading on out, then.
02:57No, this is fun.
02:59Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you'll really enjoy this,
03:02is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
03:06Oh, interesting.
03:07Isn't it?
03:08No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
03:11Oh, boy.
03:14What now?
03:16Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin,
03:19but the human body can only absorb so much.
03:21What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
03:27Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
03:30Well, then you'll want some manganese.
03:34Well, that was fun.
03:36Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
03:39Oh, I don't know, Sheldon.
03:40It's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
03:45Are you sure?
03:46There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
03:48For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
03:55What?
03:56I mean, I don't know.
03:58You purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
04:03What?
04:04Think about it.
04:05It's a product that doesn't spoil,
04:07and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
04:11You want me to buy 30 years' worth of tampons?
04:14Well, 30, 35.
04:15When did your mother go into menopause?
04:17Okay.
04:18Here you go, Leonard.
04:19One tequila sunrise.
04:22You know, this drink is a wonderful example
04:24that specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container.
04:31Okay, Raj.
04:32What will it be?
04:35Whatever you recommend.
04:37How about a grasshopper?
04:38I make a mean grasshopper.
04:40Okay?
04:41Good.
04:42Coming up.
04:43Sheldon, what are you going to have?
04:44I'll have a Diet Coke.
04:47Okay, can you please order a cocktail?
04:49I need to practice mixing drinks.
04:50Fine.
04:51I'll have a Virgin Cuba Libre.
04:55That's rum and Coke without the rum.
04:58Yes.
05:01So, Coke.
05:02Yes.
05:04And would you make it Diet?
05:11There's a can in the fridge.
05:13Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
05:17Then swim to Cuba.
05:20Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
05:24Okay.
05:25Raj, here you go.
05:27All right, who's next?
05:29I'd like to try a Slippery Nipple.
05:36Okay, you're cut off.
05:40Anybody need a refill?
05:42Where did my life go, Benny?
05:44Where did my life go, Benny?
05:48One day I'm a carefree bachelor,
05:50and the next I'm married and driving a minivan
05:52to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
05:57Are you talking to me?
05:59Is there another Benny here?
06:02I had such plans.
06:04I had dreams.
06:05I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics.
06:08But with a penis, of course.
06:11It's amazing.
06:13Ever since I was a little boy,
06:15my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him.
06:18How can I be a gynecologist?
06:20I can barely look a woman in the eye.
06:25You know what?
06:27I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer.
06:29It's time for a showdown.
06:31Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.
06:33Okay.
06:34Sweetie, I think that's the grasshopper talking.
06:37And it's about to tell my parents
06:39that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
06:42Okay, calm down.
06:44No one can make you get married.
06:47Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens?
06:49Haven't you been listening to me?
06:51I cannot talk to women.
06:52Um, Raj...
06:53No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
06:57Raj, Benny,
06:58you say you can't talk to women,
07:00but you've been talking to me.
07:02And now we'll never know.
07:05You're right.
07:06I...
07:08I-I am talking to you.
07:10Hello, Benny, how are you?
07:12Let's go
07:14a-ooh
07:16tonight.
07:20I have to go
07:22a-ooh
07:24tonight.
07:26What the hell is that?
07:29I don't know.
07:30But if cats could sing,
07:32they'd hate it, too.
07:39You wanna prowl?
07:41Be my night owl.
07:43We'll take my hat...
07:44Hey, guys!
07:45Hi!
07:46Where are you going?
07:47What?
07:48Uh, we just had to
07:49mail some letters.
07:51And...
07:53throw away some chicken.
08:02What?
08:12You'll never guess
08:13what just happened.
08:14Oh, I-I give up.
08:15I don't guess.
08:16As a scientist,
08:17I reach conclusions
08:18based on observation
08:19and experimentation.
08:20Although as I'm saying this,
08:21it occurs to me
08:22you may have been
08:23employing a rhetorical device,
08:24rendering my response moot.
08:27What was that?
08:28Believe it or not,
08:29personal growth.
08:30What happened?
08:31All right, remember when
08:32I auditioned for that
08:33workshop production of Rent,
08:34but I didn't get it
08:35and I couldn't figure out why?
08:36I have a conclusion
08:37based on an observation.
08:38No, you don't.
08:39No, he doesn't.
08:41Well, the girl they picked
08:42to play Mimi,
08:43she dropped out
08:44and they asked me to replace her.
08:45Oh, congratulations.
08:46What a lucky break.
08:47It's not a big deal,
08:48just a one-night showcase,
08:49but they invite a lot of
08:50casting people and agents,
08:51so you never know.
08:52I think I know.
08:53No, you don't.
08:55He doesn't.
08:56It's this Friday at 8.
08:57You guys wanna come?
08:58No.
09:01Because...
09:03uh, Friday,
09:04we are attending
09:05a symposium
09:06on molecular positronium.
09:08I think that's a week
09:09from Tuesday at 6.
09:10No, it's this Friday
09:11at 8.
09:13Oh, too bad.
09:14Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
09:15See you guys.
09:16See ya.
09:17Let's go.
09:18Ah, ooh, tonight.
09:22Hang on.
09:23The sensor's picking up something.
09:24Turn your head back.
09:32You rat bastard.
09:36Told you the sensor would work.
09:39Why?
09:41You deliberately stuck me
09:42with Sheldon.
09:43Come on, I had to.
09:44You see what he's like.
09:45Betty?
09:46Betty, I'm hungry.
09:48Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
09:49Good news.
09:50Leonard's home.
09:51No!
09:52Here you go.
09:53Good luck.
09:54Bye.
09:55Wait, wait.
09:56Leonard, I'm hungry.
09:57Wait.
09:58Penny, take me with you.
10:02I just pulled him there
10:03a little longer.
10:04Look, I've done my best,
10:05but he wants to go home
10:06and I don't know how to stop him.
10:08Okay, how about this?
10:09You keep him there
10:10a little longer
10:11and when you get to the party
10:12I'll point out
10:13which of my friends are easy.
10:23Don't toy with me, woman.
10:27I got a hot former facker
10:28with no self-esteem
10:29and I'm not going to
10:31I got a girl who punishes
10:32her father by sleeping around
10:33and an alcoholic who's
10:34two tequila shots away
10:35from letting you wear her
10:36like a hat.
10:39Thy will be done.
10:42Are we going to see you Saturday?
10:43Uh, I don't think so.
10:44Why not?
10:45I don't celebrate my birthday.
10:46Shut up.
10:47Yeah, you do.
10:48It's no big deal.
10:49It's just the way I was raised.
10:50My parents focused on
10:51celebrating achievements
10:52and being expelled
10:53from a birth canal
10:54was not considered one of them.
10:57That's so silly.
10:58It's actually based
10:59on one of my very sound theories.
11:00His mother published
11:01a paper on it.
11:02Well, what was it called?
11:03I hate my son
11:04and that's why
11:05he can't have cake?
11:07It was obviously effective.
11:08Leonard grew up
11:09to be an experimental physicist.
11:10Perhaps if she'd also
11:11denied him Christmas
11:12he'd be a little better at it.
11:17Well, I love birthdays.
11:18Waking up to mom's
11:19special French toast breakfast.
11:21Wearing the birthday king crown.
11:23Playing laser tag
11:24with all my friends.
11:25Yeah, see?
11:26That's what kids should have.
11:27Actually, that was last year.
11:30So, you've really never
11:32had a birthday party?
11:33No, but it was okay.
11:35I mean, when I was little
11:36I'd think maybe my parents
11:37would change their mind
11:38and surprise me with a party.
11:39Like, this one birthday
11:40I came home from my cello lesson
11:42and I saw a lot of strange cars
11:43parked out front.
11:44When I got to the door
11:45I could hear people whispering
11:46and I could smell
11:47German chocolate cake
11:48which is my favorite.
11:50And?
11:51It turns out
11:52my grandfather had died.
11:55Oh, my God.
11:56I'm so sorry.
11:57I'm so sorry.
11:58Oh, my God.
11:59That's terrible.
12:01It was kind of like
12:02a birthday party.
12:04I got to see all my cousins
12:05and there was cake.
12:08That's the saddest thing
12:09I've ever heard.
12:10You think?
12:11Go ahead.
12:12Tell her about your senior prom.
12:14So, what'd you get
12:15the birthday boy?
12:16Well, Raj got him
12:17an awesome limited edition
12:18Dark Knight sculpture
12:19based on Alex Ross'
12:20definitive Batman.
12:21And I got him this amazing
12:22autographed copy
12:23of the Feynman lectures
12:24on physics.
12:25Nice.
12:26I got him a sweater.
12:29Okay, well,
12:30he might like that.
12:31I've seen him get chilly.
12:33Sheldon,
12:34I didn't see your present.
12:35That's because
12:36I didn't bring one.
12:37Why not?
12:38Don't ask.
12:39The entire institution
12:40of gift-giving
12:41makes no sense.
12:42Too late.
12:43Let's say that I go out
12:44and I spend $50 on you.
12:45It's a laborious activity
12:46because I have to imagine
12:47what you need
12:48whereas you know
12:49what you need.
12:50Now, I could simplify things,
12:51just give you the $50 directly
12:53and you could give me
12:54$50 on my birthday
12:55and so on
12:56until one of us dies
12:57leaving the other one
12:58old and $50 richer.
13:02Can I ask you,
13:03is it worth it?
13:05Told you not to ask.
13:07Well, Sheldon,
13:08you're his friend.
13:09Friends give each other presents.
13:11I accept your premise.
13:12I reject your conclusion.
13:15Try telling him
13:16it's a non-optional
13:18social convention.
13:19What?
13:20Just do it.
13:24It's a non-optional
13:26social convention.
13:28Oh, fair enough.
13:33He came with a manual.
13:38I'm back.
13:40I'm sorry I yelled at you.
13:42It's not your fault.
13:44What happened?
13:45Well,
13:47I went over to Mike's
13:48to make up with him.
13:49Yeah, no, I know that part.
13:52But he had already moved on.
13:54Already? That was quick.
13:55That's what I said
13:56to the woman
13:57who had her legs
13:58wrapped around his neck.
14:02Oh, Penny,
14:03I am so sorry.
14:05How could he do that?
14:07You know,
14:08you did throw
14:09an 80-gig iPod.
14:10Yeah, no,
14:11how could he do that?
14:13I swear to God,
14:14I am done
14:15with guys like that.
14:17You know, macho
14:18with the perfect body
14:19and the hair
14:20and the money.
14:21Yeah, that must get old quick.
14:23You know,
14:24you know,
14:25just once,
14:26I would like to go out
14:27with someone
14:28who is nice
14:29and honest
14:30and who actually
14:31cares about me.
14:34What about me?
14:36What about you, what?
14:40What about if you
14:41went out with me?
14:45Are you asking me out?
14:48Um, yes,
14:49I am
14:50asking you out.
14:51Asking you out.
14:53Wow.
14:56I was just going off
14:57your comment about
14:58the nice guy.
14:59No, I know, I got that.
15:00And honest.
15:01Yeah, totally.
15:02But it's no big deal.
15:03Yes.
15:05Yes, what?
15:07Yes, I will go out with you.
15:13Really?
15:16Yeah.
15:17Why not?
15:18I mean,
15:19what do I have to lose?
15:21Yeah.
15:24That's the spirit.
15:27In 1935,
15:28Erwin Schrödinger,
15:29in an attempt to explain
15:30the Copenhagen interpretation
15:32of quantum physics,
15:33he proposed an experiment
15:34where a cat
15:35is placed in a box
15:36with a sealed vial of poison
15:38that will break open
15:39at a random time.
15:40Now,
15:41since no one knows
15:42when or if the poison
15:43has been released,
15:44until the box is opened,
15:45the cat can be thought of
15:47as both alive
15:48and dead.
15:52What?
15:54I'm sorry,
15:55I don't get the point.
15:56Well, of course you don't get it.
15:57I haven't made it yet.
16:00You'd have to be psychic
16:01to get it,
16:02and there's no such thing
16:03as psychic.
16:04Sheldon, what's the point?
16:05Just like Schrödinger's cat,
16:06your potential relationship
16:08with Leonard right now
16:09can be thought of
16:10as both good and bad.
16:11It is only by opening the box
16:13that you'll find out
16:14which it is.
16:16Okay,
16:17so you're saying
16:18I should go out with Leonard.
16:19No, no, no, no, no.
16:22Let me start again.
16:23In 1935,
16:24Leonard and Schrödinger...
16:25You guys mind if I start?
16:27Um, Penny...
16:28Yeah?
16:29That's where I sit.
16:33Sit next to me.
16:36No, I sit there.
16:39What's the difference?
16:40What's the difference?
16:41Here we go.
16:43In the winter,
16:44that seat is close enough
16:45to the radiator to remain warm,
16:46and yet not so close
16:47as to cause perspiration.
16:48In the summer,
16:49it's directly in the path
16:50of a cross breeze
16:51created by opening windows
16:52there and there.
16:53It faces the television
16:54at an angle
16:55that is neither direct,
16:56thus discouraging conversation,
16:57nor so far wide
16:58as to create a parallax distortion.
17:00I could go on, but...
17:02I think I've made my point.
17:06Do you want me to move?
17:08Well...
17:09Just sit somewhere else.
17:12Fine.
17:21Come on.
17:31Sheldon, sit!
17:34Were the rest of the guys
17:35meeting us here?
17:36Oh, yeah.
17:37No.
17:39Turns out the Raj and Howard
17:40had to work,
17:41and Sheldon...
17:42had a colonoscopy,
17:44and he hasn't quite
17:45bounced back yet.
17:47Oof.
17:48My uncle just had
17:49a colonoscopy.
17:50You're kidding.
17:51Well, then,
17:52that's something
17:53we have in common.
17:55How?
17:57We both have people
17:58in our lives
17:59who...
18:00want to nip
18:01intestinal polyps
18:02in the butt.
18:09So, what's new
18:10in the world of physics?
18:12Nothing.
18:15Really?
18:16Nothing?
18:17Well...
18:18With the exception
18:19of string theory,
18:20not much has happened
18:21since the 1930s,
18:22and you can't prove
18:23string theory.
18:24At best, you can say,
18:25hey, look,
18:26my idea has
18:27an internal
18:28logical consistency.
18:33Hey, do you want
18:34to see something cool?
18:37I can make this olive
18:38go into this glass
18:39without touching it.
18:41How?
18:42Physics.
18:49Wow.
18:50Centrifugal force.
18:51Actually,
18:52it's centripetal force,
18:53which is an inward force
18:54generated by the glass
18:55acting on the olive.
18:58Excuse me.
19:00Now, if you were
19:01biting on the olive,
19:03you'd be in a
19:04non-inertial reference frame
19:05and would...
19:08Are you okay?
19:09Yeah, I'm okay.
19:12Did you spill ketchup?
19:14No.
19:15I'm not okay.
19:16Are you guys ready to order?
19:18Shiva and Ganesh?
19:19The Hindu gods
19:20against the entire
19:21Union army?
19:22And orcs.
19:24I'll be back.
19:25Excuse me.
19:26Ganesh is the
19:27remover of obstacles
19:28and Shiva's the destroyer.
19:29When the smoke clears,
19:30Abraham Lincoln
19:31will be speaking Hindi
19:32and drinking mint juleps.
19:34All right, my boss says
19:35you have to either order
19:36or leave and never come back.
19:43This is amazing.
19:45Just sitting on a couch
19:46watching TV with a woman
19:48not being drunk
19:49or high
19:51or wondering if you're
19:52a dude down there.
19:55Leo, you are a very sweet,
19:57really funny guy.
19:59You're gonna do okay.
20:02One day at a time, Penny.
20:07One day at a time.
20:14How long is he
20:15going to stay here?
20:17He's a homeless
20:18drug addict, Leonard.
20:19Where's he going to go?
20:21Oh, you have a lot
20:22to learn about lying.
20:24Hey, guys, guys.
20:25Some of the other waitresses
20:26wanted me to ask you something.
20:28It's called trestling.
20:29It combines the physical
20:30strength of arm wrestling
20:31with the mental agility
20:32of Tetris
20:33into the ultimate sport.
20:35Yeah, that's terrific.
20:36But what they wanted me
20:37to ask you is to cut
20:38it the hell out.