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00:00I'm in a little trouble catching your breath there.
00:07No, no, I'm good.
00:10If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
00:17Do or do not, there is no try.
00:23Did you just quote Star Wars?
00:27I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
00:33Oh my God, I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
00:45I love you, Penny.
01:01You're welcome.
01:04I just want to put that out there.
01:06Oh yeah, no, I'm glad.
01:08Good, glad is good.
01:13Um, so, it's getting pretty late, we should probably go to sleep.
01:22Yeah, probably.
01:25Good night, sweetie.
01:33Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
01:38Sheldon says impossible, Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
01:46You are ignoring the square cube law.
01:48The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
01:51And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
02:01Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
02:08What's with him?
02:10Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
02:15Are you saying he's manstrating?
02:20Not literally.
02:22But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
02:28Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
02:35You know what I'm talking about.
02:40I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
02:46The Wesley Crushers?
02:47No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley Crushers.
02:51I don't get it.
02:52Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
02:56Still don't get it.
02:57It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley.
03:08Okay, I'm sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crusher sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
03:13No, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers.
03:19If you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
03:24Do you people even hear yourselves?
03:26It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers.
03:32Hey, look. They named their team after me.
03:36No, it's not.
03:38Never mind.
03:42After you.
03:43No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
03:51It's customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.
03:57All right.
04:06It's a custom, not a rule.
04:09I so loathe you.
04:12That's right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
04:18That's not even from your franchise!
04:21Damn, they canceled my visa.
04:24Oh, yay! A new MasterCard!
04:28Uh-oh.
04:29What?
04:31I was going to get my mail.
04:32Okay.
04:36Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
04:40I think you mean telekinetically.
04:43And no.
04:45I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
04:49Oh, God. Can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
04:53Well, we could if it were true.
04:55But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
04:58A variable which has changed is the coitus.
05:01Okay, here's the protocol.
05:03You and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
05:07Good. I'm glad we're still friends.
05:10Really?
05:11Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
05:14I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
05:18Right.
05:19Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone, or just you?
05:25Everyone.
05:26Say hello to your mother for me.
05:28Okay.
05:31What?
05:33You said you were going for a walk.
05:36I didn't say outside.
05:40So, what, you're just going to walk up and down the stairs?
05:43No, of course not.
05:45That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
05:49Here, Ruffles.
05:50Here, boy.
05:52Which way are you going?
05:53Which way are you going?
05:54I parked my scooter down the block.
05:56I'm going that way.
05:57I parked my scooter down the block.
05:59I'm going the other way. Bye.
06:03Bye.
06:05Actually, I'm this way.
06:09Do I smell hot dogs?
06:10No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
06:14I definitely smell raw hot dogs.
06:17Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
06:20All right. Have a nice walk.
06:22Bye, Shall. Have a nice scoot.
06:27You might want to stand back.
06:28I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
06:43Oh, hello, doggie.
06:44Nice doggie.
06:47I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
06:52Look, a cat.
06:58Penny?
07:00Penny?
07:07Penny?
07:10Here.
07:13I had to trade the others for my life.
07:16We're home.
07:19It's 10 o'clock. Where have you been?
07:21We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
07:24California Adventure Water Show?
07:26It was pure Disney magic.
07:29I was going to see that with him.
07:31How was I supposed to know that?
07:33It's all right. I'll see it again with you.
07:35And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
07:37I know, I know.
07:38I can still eat.
07:39No, you already threw up once.
07:40Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
07:45Okay, but just don't fight.
07:47We're not fighting.
07:48Just go.
07:50Aren't you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
07:53Thank you, Penny.
07:57You're welcome, sweetie.
08:00Want a cup of coffee?
08:01Oh, um, I should probably get going.
08:04Come on, it's just a cup of coffee.
08:07Yeah, okay.
08:08Okay.
08:15Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
08:20What am I smelling?
08:21Sheldon's churro on my shoes.
08:25I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
08:34Okay.
08:36When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
08:42We had dinner last night.
08:43She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
08:47Fine.
08:48Why did you have dinner with Penny?
08:50I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
08:52I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
08:55Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
08:58I didn't want to upset you.
09:00Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades
09:03before women who sell their bodies for money.
09:09Is it possible he said bros before hoes?
09:14Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
09:17Hold.
09:18What?
09:19Explain your sneeze.
09:22I'm sorry?
09:23Do you have allergies?
09:24No.
09:25Is there too much pepper on your salad?
09:26I don't put pepper on salads.
09:27I've heard enough. Sit over there.
09:30Come on, I don't want to sit by myself.
09:32That's what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly her friends buckled.
09:36Guys, help me.
09:37Sheldon, come on.
09:38That's just one sneeze.
09:40You're on your own.
09:41See ya, buddy.
09:45Yes, Raj?
09:47When can I sit with you again?
09:49When I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures face 12 hours apart, you know the drill.
09:54Alright, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.
10:00I can't believe he's friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.
10:04I can't believe they let him into Canada.
10:07Whoa, you heard the man.
10:08Where's your throat cultures?
10:11Kidding.
10:12Sit down.
10:19I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
10:23The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
10:25Yes.
10:26And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.
10:31We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe,
10:38and now she's under consideration for a position at our university.
10:42Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton?
10:44I am a huge fan of hers.
10:47I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of,
10:50but very well.
10:51You enjoy Canadian bacon?
10:53I've been to Toronto.
10:56Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?
10:58My room, of course.
10:59Holy crap!
11:04Holy crap!
11:07I have a two-part question.
11:08Go ahead.
11:09A. Are you kidding me?
11:11And B. Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
11:15A. I rarely kid.
11:17And B. When I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
11:22So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
11:26Yes.
11:28Bazinga.
11:30Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
11:33Well, who wants to stay in a hotel with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
11:39I'm so glad you understand.
11:41No, he doesn't understand. I understand.
11:45I understand, too.
11:46You're just misappropriating my understanding.
11:51I think any university would want you.
11:53Except, of course, any university that had already had you.
11:56Because they would have already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
12:01From the mind that brought you high-low.
12:07Let me show you to your room.
12:08All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.
12:11Sleep tight.
12:12I mean, obviously, good night.
12:14I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle.
12:17I swear to God, I'm smart.
12:22Get it together, ma'am.
12:25Nice to meet you.
12:26Nice to meet you, too.
12:27Enjoying your stay?
12:28Yes, very much.
12:33Good.
12:36Excuse me.
12:39Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work.
12:42You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met.
12:46It'll be fun.
12:47Like a clown car.
12:50Hang on.
12:53We just broke up.
12:54You and me? Yeah, we did, not too long ago.
12:56How are you doing with it?
12:58Not as good as you, apparently.
13:00I don't follow.
13:02You know what? It's none of my business.
13:03If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stop seeing each other, go for it.
13:08Well, now...
13:09Excuse me.
13:11I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton,
13:15who I assure you has better things to do.
13:18I'm not recommending it.
13:19I'm saying it already happened.
13:21That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
13:25Well...
13:30No.
13:31Oh, come on. It wasn't my fault.
13:33The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
13:41You know what? I'm just going to take the bus to work.
13:43I can still drive you.
13:45Oh, no, no. It's okay.
13:46You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
13:51I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
13:54I didn't betray Penny.
13:56Not Penny. Me.
13:58How am I betraying you?
14:00Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her.
14:07Yeah, I guess I did.
14:09Hey, baby doll pink, let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
14:15Please, Sheldon, I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees.
14:18Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
14:22Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.
14:24This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
14:27Oh, screw the roommate agreement.
14:29No, you don't screw the roommate agreement.
14:31The roommate agreement screws you.
14:35You know what? Go to hell and set their thermostat.
14:37I don't have to go to hell.
14:39At 73 degrees, I'm there already.
14:45Who is it?
14:48Leonard.
14:49Hang on.
14:56Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
14:58Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
15:02I heard that, huh?
15:04Apparently the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat,
15:07then the other fella went bat crap crazy.
15:10So you agree he's nuts?
15:12Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
15:14Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
15:16Oh, I do not believe that.
15:21Yes?
15:22Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter. I called you about the apartment.
15:25You said to come by...
15:26I know what I said. I know what you said.
15:27I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
15:32What is the sixth noble gas?
15:34What?
15:35You said you're a scientist.
15:36What is the sixth noble gas?
15:38Uh, radon?
15:41Are you asking me or telling me?
15:44Telling you.
15:48Telling you.
15:50All right. Next question.
15:52Kirk or Picard?
15:54Oh, uh, well, that's tricky.
15:56Um, original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
16:02Correct.
16:04You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
16:08You may enter.
16:10Oh, this is pretty nice.
16:15What?
16:19Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
16:21That depends.
16:22I don't understand. Their existence is conditional?
16:26No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
16:32There's three?
16:33Each more daunting than the last.
16:37Have a seat.
16:38Okay.
16:40No, that's where I sit.
16:43Explain the couch.
16:45Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100.
16:49Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
16:50But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
16:53They're lawn chairs.
16:56And there was no place for company.
16:58Did it occur to you that was by design?
17:02According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
17:07But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
17:12I did notify you.
17:13Oh, you did, did you?
17:31Drat.
17:34Hoisted by my own spam filter.
17:37What am I doing in your spam folder?
17:39I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled This is Funny.
17:43Mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.
17:49Cool!
17:50Won't work.
17:53Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time. Trust me, it'll work.
17:57You don't see your mistake, do you?
17:59There's no mistake.
18:01This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
18:03Well, I've adjusted the formula.
18:05Not correctly.
18:07Okay, I've had it with you.
18:09You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch,
18:15but this is applied physics.
18:17And when it comes to applied physics...
18:19Uh, oh.
18:21What's happening?
18:22A bad thing. A very bad thing.
18:24Get the door. Get the door. Get the door. Get the door. Get the door.
18:37What?
18:39You're waiting for the elevator?
18:41Oh, right.
18:43Wait, it's here.
18:49Give me that.
18:54What'd you do that for? I had plenty of time.
19:02You're welcome.
19:04Oh, hi. What's going on?
19:06We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
19:10I'm sorry, what?
19:11It's pretty cool. We've got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything. I thought you might want to see it.
19:16That makes no sense.
19:18How can you bounce stuff off the moon? There's no gravity.
19:24Uh, Leonard, this is Zach. Zach Leonard.
19:26Hey.
19:27Sorry, I didn't know you were busy. Maybe another time.
19:29Yeah, maybe.
19:30Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
19:31Oh, but what about the party?
19:33It's a surprise party. It doesn't matter when we get there.
19:37Oh, right.
19:39Okay, while we're out, come on up.
19:47So, how'd you guys meet?
19:49My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory.
19:52Your company?
19:53Well, my dad's, but me and my sister are VPs.
19:57So, menus.
20:00I know it sounds easy, but there's a lot of science that goes into designing them.
20:08There, we'll measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses.
20:13Cool, it's going to be in 3D?
20:21Preparing to fire laser at the moon.
20:24Make it so.
20:30There it is. There's the spike.
20:332.5 seconds for the light to return. That's the moon. We hit the moon.
20:40That's your big experiment?
20:42All that for a line on the screen?
20:44Yeah, but think about what this represents.
20:47The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon.
20:53Put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
20:58What species is that?
21:03I was wrong. Penny can do better.
21:06Okay, guys, thank you. It's been fun.
21:08Yeah, thanks. Should we invite him to the party?
21:10No, just keep walking.
21:13He must be very skilled at coitus.
21:16She can do it. I can do it. She can do it. I can do it.
21:21I can't do it.
21:23Hello?
21:25Hi, Leslie.
21:29Leonard Hofstadter. What are you doing here?
21:31I know. It's been a while.
21:33Yeah, 18 months.
21:35Right. Right.
21:38How you doing?
21:40Fine. You?
21:42Not bad.
21:44Do you remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn't mean anything, it was just for fun?
21:49Yeah.
21:51Do you want to do that again?
21:55What happened? Blondie dumped you?
21:57She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
22:01Right.
22:02Anyway, apparently it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
22:09Uh-huh.
22:11So what do you say?
22:13Let me think about it.
22:16She's not coming back.
22:18In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
22:24The standard I told you so? Or the classic neener-neener?
22:27Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
22:32You don't know we're wrong yet.
22:33Haughty derision it is.
22:37Excuse me? I'm Amy Farrah Fowler.
22:39I'm a professor at the Harvard Law School.
22:42Excuse me? I'm Amy Farrah Fowler. You're Sheldon Cooper.
22:46Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
22:48I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
22:55Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
23:00If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
23:03If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
23:08In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
23:13Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
23:18I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
23:24I mean, you might want to avoid East Texas.
23:27Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
23:37May I buy you a beverage?
23:41Tepid water, please.
23:51Good God, what have we done?