Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00So, are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
00:01Oh, yeah. No.
00:04Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work
00:06and Sheldon had a colonoscopy
00:09and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
00:13Oof. My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
00:15You're kidding. Well, then that's something we have in common.
00:20How?
00:22We both have people in our lives
00:24who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
00:30Oh.
00:34So, what's new in the world of physics?
00:38Nothing.
00:40Really? Nothing?
00:42Well, with the exception of string theory,
00:44not much has happened since the 1930s.
00:48You can't prove string theory. At best, you can say,
00:50hey, look, my idea has an internalogical consistency.
00:55Hey, do you want to see something cool?
00:58I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
01:03How?
01:04Physics.
01:11Wow. Centripetal force.
01:13Actually, it's centripetal force,
01:15which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
01:19Excuse me.
01:21Now, if you were biting on the olive,
01:24you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame and would...
01:29Are you okay?
01:30Yeah, I'm okay.
01:33Did you spill ketchup?
01:34No.
01:36I'm not okay.
01:37All right. I'm moving my infantry division,
01:40augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings.
01:43We flank the Tennessee Volunteers and the Army.
01:45I'm going to be a medic.
01:47We flank the Tennessee Volunteers
01:49and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
01:53Not so fast.
01:54Remember, the South still has two infantry divisions,
01:56plus Superman and Godzilla.
01:59No, no, no, no. Orcs are magic.
02:00Superman is vulnerable to magic.
02:02Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
02:07Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
02:11Are you guys ready to order?
02:12Hang on, honey.
02:13Shiva and Ganesh?
02:15The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
02:17And orcs.
02:19I'll be back.
02:21Excuse me.
02:22Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva is the destroyer.
02:24When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi
02:27and drinking mint juleps.
02:29All right. My boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
02:35Hey, Leslie.
02:37Careful, Leonard. Liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
02:41Burn.
02:44Burn.
02:49Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana?
02:51Because I got a bowl of churros and I couldn't find a knife.
02:57So, anyway...
02:59Hello.
03:03Uh, what are you doing?
03:05Just extending the intimacy.
03:07Hey, do you want to slip over to the radiation lab
03:09and share a decontamination shower?
03:15Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
03:20I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
03:28Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists,
03:31but we both understand the biochemistry of sex.
03:33I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses,
03:36causing pleasure.
03:37You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button,
03:39he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
03:43Who wouldn't?
03:45Well, the only difference between us and the rat
03:47is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus.
03:49That's where you come in.
03:53Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it.
03:57So, what happens now?
03:58Well, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
04:04Oh.
04:05Okay.
04:13You want to make plans for New Year's?
04:14Whoa, Leonard, please, you're smothering me.
04:16Where's Christine?
04:17In the shower.
04:19Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt?
04:21Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
04:28You used my loofah?
04:31More precisely, we used your loofah.
04:33I exfoliated her brains out.
04:38You can keep that, too.
04:40Ah, well, then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
04:46Howard?
04:47In here, m'lady.
04:51There's my little engine that could.
04:57Oh, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
05:00This is Lalita Gupta.
05:01Lalita, this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny.
05:05Isn't it great? She isn't fat anymore.
05:08Forgive me, your highness, for I am but a monkey
05:11and it is in my nature to climb.
05:13I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
05:17I'm sorry?
05:19You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
05:23Oh, no kidding.
05:25Who is that?
05:26A beloved character from an Indian folktale.
05:29Oh.
05:30Us Indian or come to our casino Indian?
05:35You Indian.
05:36Oh.
05:37The resemblance is remarkable.
05:40I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
05:43Oh, well, thanks.
05:45I imagine you smell very nice, too.
05:48I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
05:52Really? So do I.
05:54But you're a dentist. He's nuts.
05:58Don't be insulting, Rajesh.
06:00So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
06:05It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars
06:09and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
06:14Oh, my.
06:15Back off, Sheldon.
06:17What? If you do not stop hitting on my lady,
06:18you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
06:22I'm not hitting on her.
06:24And I am not your lady.
06:25And you have no wrath.
06:29You are my lady. Our parents said so.
06:31We are for all intents and purposes 100% hooked up.
06:35Okay, let's get something straight here.
06:36The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case.
06:39I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you.
06:42That's exactly the kind of spirit
06:44with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
06:46Oh, screw Princess Panchali.
06:48Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
06:49But you're not Princess Panchali.
06:51Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
06:54Sheldon, are you hungry?
06:55I could eat.
06:57Let's go.
06:59I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
07:02What was I supposed to say?
07:04You could have told her the truth.
07:05That would have hurt her feelings.
07:08Is that a relevant factor?
07:11Yes.
07:12Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
07:14And what would I have said afterwards?
07:16I would suggest something to the effect of
07:19singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
07:22And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a cat.
07:25And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a cat scan
07:28to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
07:34I couldn't say that. I would have to say,
07:36you were terrific, and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
07:40Why?
07:42It's the social protocol.
07:44It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something
07:46they really suck at.
07:49I was not aware of that.
07:51Well, now you are.
07:52Oh, all right.
07:54Leonard?
07:55Yes?
07:56When we played chess earlier, you were terrific,
07:58and I can't wait to play you again.
07:59Good night.
08:06This is amazing.
08:08Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman.
08:12Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
08:19Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
08:22You're gonna do okay.
08:25One day at a time, Penny.
08:31One day at a time.
08:37How long is he going to stay here?
08:40He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard. Where's he going to go?
08:44Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
08:47Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius
08:50in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
08:52All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
09:03Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
09:07Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
09:09Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
09:12Okay.
09:13How about that one?
09:15Uh-uh. I know the type.
09:16Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks,
09:19won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.
09:21And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you,
09:23it turns out to be a set-up, and you're in the backseat of your mom's car
09:25with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
09:32Are you crying?
09:33No, I have allergies.
09:36Okay. Oh, hey, how about her?
09:40Sure. She wants to spend a couple years doing her homework
09:43while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat white Russians.
09:47You're the one holding her head out of the toilet
09:48while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you.
09:51And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her
09:54and you drive up to visit her one weekend
09:55and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
10:01Okay, so not her either.
10:03Could I have everyone's attention, please?
10:06What a wonderful occasion this is.
10:09And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on
10:11Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
10:14We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
10:18Welcome, Dennis Kim.
10:21Mr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University,
10:25he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
10:31Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
10:34And now, without any further ado,
10:36let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim.
10:43Dennis?
10:45Dennis?
10:47What?
10:49Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
10:52Oh, no, thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma.
11:01The kid got a girl.
11:03Unbelievable.
11:05Did anyone see how he did it?
11:08Unbelievable.
11:10Components I built are on the International Space Station
11:12and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
11:15I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch
11:17as it was for you telling the policewoman,
11:19you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.
11:23Hey, look at that.
11:26It's Dennis Kim.
11:29Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
11:31You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
11:38Yeah, we really ruined his life.
11:41Screw him, he was weak.
11:45Take him down!
11:46He's got you, Sheldon.
11:47Come on!
11:48He's feeling...
11:49Hey, guys, guys.
11:50Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
11:53It's called trestling.
11:54It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling
11:56with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
12:00Yeah, that's terrific.
12:01But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
12:04All right, come on, guys. Come on.
12:06We might as well stop, it's a stalemate.
12:08You're beating me in Tetris,
12:09but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
12:12Keebler elf?
12:13I go to Keebler elf right here.
12:15Ah!
12:17Ah!
12:19OK, it's a stalemate.
12:21Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
12:24I know everything about this stuff.
12:26OK.
12:27I have my own wholesale flower business
12:29and I want to hook up my customers with this stuff.
12:31So, I'm going to ask you to cut it the hell out of it.
12:34I have my own wholesale flower business
12:35and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance
12:37with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
12:39Here, buy this one. Look, it's the one we're getting.
12:41See, happy guy.
12:42No, no, no, no, she doesn't want that.
12:43She needs a point-to-point peer network
12:45with a range extender.
12:49Which hard drive do I want, FireWire or USB?
12:53It depends on what bus you have available.
12:58I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
13:01Oh, dear Lord.
13:03Sheldon, we have to go.
13:04Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me.
13:06You hold on, I'll be right with you.
13:09What computer do you have?
13:10And please don't say a white one.
13:15OK, we don't have that in stock.
13:19But I can special order it for you.
13:22Him.
13:23Excuse me, sir.
13:25You don't work here.
13:27Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
13:31Sheldon, we have to go.
13:32Why?
13:33Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party.
13:35And for another, I told him to call security.
13:39Good luck.
13:43By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
13:45Keep walking.
13:46One, two, three, four is not a secure password.