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00:00Do you go on many dates?
00:01Um, yeah, I wouldn't say many. A few.
00:08What's a...
00:10Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few.
00:17Where did you get 171 men?
00:19Simple extrapolation.
00:21In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two.
00:24During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.
00:27If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias,
00:30and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
00:33Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.
00:36I'm sorry, 16?
00:3814.
00:41My mistake.
00:42Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve, peaking around the present,
00:45that would bring the total up to...
00:47193 men.
00:50Plus or minus 8 men.
00:53Remarkable.
00:54Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
00:57No.
00:58Now, although that number would be fairly easy to calculate,
01:01based on the number of awkward encounters I've had
01:03with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning,
01:06plus the number of times she's returned home
01:08wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
01:10Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
01:12So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity,
01:17so 172 times .18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.
01:25Let's round that up to 31.
01:28Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.
01:30That is not even close to the real number of men need a drink over here.
01:35What about your pedometer?
01:36Don't have one.
01:36Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
01:39Uh, no.
01:39What do you do?
01:41You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?
01:44No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
01:52Why are you doing that?
01:54It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
01:56All right.
01:57All right, let's start with a toe touch.
02:06Okay, you do it.
02:09I am doing it.
02:12Oh, wow. Good job.
02:14Okay, um, can you do this?
02:18We'll never know.
02:20Okay, let's just warm up on the run.
02:22Okay.
02:23Okay, let's go.
02:24Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics.
02:26I think you'll be surprised at my...
02:31Oh, my God.
02:32Are you okay?
02:33I think so.
02:34Let me help you up.
02:38Oh, Sheldon.
02:41If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
02:46Together in this car with my enhanced capabilities.
02:50We're like Knight Rider.
02:52Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
02:57You mock the sphincter.
02:59But the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive.
03:07There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body.
03:11How many can you name?
03:14I was wrong.
03:15This is exactly like Knight Rider.
03:18Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game.
03:21No.
03:22This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta.
03:28Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms.
03:32See if you can spot all 24.
03:34I'll give you the first one.
03:36Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch.
03:41And go.
03:45That's it.
03:45Bye-bye.
03:50Bazinga.
03:52I have an override switch.
03:55I almost died.
03:56And I'm safe and sound in bed.
03:58Who's crazy now?
04:01I'm still gonna go with you.
04:06I'm not sure she's the best fit for our little, what shall we call it, Rebel Alliance.
04:11Oh, I never identified with the Rebel Alliance.
04:14Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I've always been more of an Empire man.
04:19Yeah, not my point.
04:21I know what your point is.
04:22You're intimidated by Amy's intellect.
04:24To that I say, buck up.
04:27Okay, let me just get right to it.
04:28Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious, and frankly, just obnoxious.
04:35So?
04:37So we already have you for all that.
04:41Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?
04:44No, no, of course not.
04:45Just have your relationship some place else.
04:47It's called counterfactuals.
04:49We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect,
04:53and then pose questions to each other.
04:54It's fun for ages 8 to 80.
04:56Join us.
04:59Alright, I like a good brain teaser.
05:01Give it a whirl.
05:02You're in luck.
05:02This is an easy one.
05:04In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant, intelligent beaver,
05:09what food is no longer consumed?
05:13Uh, a piece of meat.
05:16Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver.
05:22Leonard, be serious.
05:23We're playing a game here.
05:26I can figure this out.
05:27Let's see.
05:28Well, beavers eat tree bark.
05:31The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon.
05:34So I'll say cinnamon.
05:35Incorrect.
05:36Obviously, the answer is cheese danish.
05:41What?
05:42In a world ruled by a giant beaver,
05:44mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord.
05:48The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded.
05:50Thousands die.
05:51Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry.
05:58How does one miss that?
06:02Ben.
06:07Surprise.
06:09Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.
06:12My, my, that's a powerful smell.
06:16I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Penofsky, Feynman, Weiskopf.
06:21Yeah, I get it.
06:22You got a lot of cats and you gave them cute Jewish names.
06:27Cats make wonderful companions.
06:29They don't argue or question my intellectual authority.
06:34And this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite zazzy.
06:41You should have called sooner.
06:43Howard, if you want my help, I've got to know what happened.
06:45But it's embarrassing.
06:47Yeah, that's what I'm counting on.
06:48Spill.
06:51Okay, well, you know World of Warcraft?
06:54The online game?
06:55Sure.
06:56Did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
07:01Oh, God, I think I see where this is going.
07:07Her name was Glissinda the Troll.
07:11Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
07:18Oh, you're right.
07:19That is so embarrassing.
07:22Talk to her.
07:23Bernadette or the Troll?
07:26Bernadette.
07:27She was so mad at me.
07:28She wouldn't even listen to my side of the story.
07:30Well, what was your side?
07:31Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman.
07:34I mean, she could have been a 50 year old truck driver in New Jersey.
07:40Really?
07:40And that didn't make her feel better?
07:42Spin class worked up quite a sweat.
07:49Joy, this is Leonard.
07:50Leonard, this is Joy.
07:51Hi.
07:51Hi.
07:52You don't look like a genius.
07:53Go ahead.
07:54Say something smart.
07:55Time's up.
07:58Just kidding.
07:59First thing you need to know about me, I'm hilarious.
08:04Yeah.
08:07So Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defense classes?
08:10Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga.
08:12Lots of fun.
08:13Basically a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off.
08:18Wow, wouldn't think there'd be that many.
08:20Number 42.
08:21Whoa!
08:23Isn't she a pimp?
08:30This lobster's good on the way down and the way up.
08:35Should be.
08:35It's $30 a pound.
08:39Hey, this is a date, right?
08:43Yep, it is.
08:4473!
08:45Whoa!
08:48Excuse me.
08:48I have to go to the little girls room and take a wicked whiz.
08:53I'll go with you.
08:55Fair warning, I have the asparagus.
08:57My pee is going to stink up the place.
09:00Oh, that's okay.
09:02You can just sleep here.
09:04Oh good, a slumber party.
09:05We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited
09:08pillow fights in our frilly nighties.
09:11Oh gosh, Amy.
09:12I don't know if I would call this an actual slumber party.
09:15Oh, that's disappointing.
09:16I've always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.
09:18You never were?
09:19Not even when you were a kid?
09:21Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out and I shared
09:24a room with a little Vietnamese girl.
09:27She didn't make it through the night, but up till then
09:29it was kind of fun.
09:33Okay.
09:34Well, I guess we're having a slumber party.
09:40Pillow fight!
09:42Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app.
09:44You can make one with me.
09:46With you?
09:49Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
09:51Was it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and
09:54become a famous actress?
09:55Okay, look.
09:56When you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap
09:58a picture of them and the app goes on the internet to find
10:01out where you can buy them.
10:03That's your app idea?
10:05You don't like it?
10:06I didn't say that.
10:07But no, I don't.
10:13Okay, these are Uggs.
10:16These are Crocs.
10:19These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
10:21Bored.
10:25Look, you said it yourself.
10:26We have to create a database before you can write an alga
10:29thingy.
10:29Algorithm.
10:31You see, Penny, Alan Turing defines an algorithm.
10:33Bored.
10:35Okay, these are Steve Maddens.
10:38These are Nine West.
10:40These are Target.
10:41Oh, but don't they look like Chanel?
10:44These are Michael Kors.
10:47These are Roxy.
10:49These are Sashell.
10:51I'm making the donation to your department regardless of
10:54what happens between us.
10:56Really?
10:57Of course.
10:57There's no quid pro quo here.
10:59You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research and
11:02you deserve the money.
11:04Oh, then what was last night about?
11:08I took a shot.
11:09Sue me.
11:12Oh, you're a very handsome man, Leonard.
11:20It was foolish of me to think someone your age might ever
11:23be interested in someone like me.
11:24Oh, don't say that.
11:26You're a very attractive woman.
11:27Oh, please.
11:28No, it's true.
11:29Well, aren't you sweet?
11:31Just for the record, you'd remember a night with me for
11:35the rest of your life.
11:39I'm sure I would but why why exactly?
11:45You're a very smart man.
11:47How do you think I land is that your rich husband?
11:50I hadn't really given it much thought.
11:52Well, think about it.
11:57You mean?
11:58Yep.
12:00I'm that good.
12:05But what the hell?
12:08Here's what I wonder about zombies.
12:12What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat?
12:15They can't starve to death.
12:16They already dead.
12:18You take this one.
12:19I spent an hour last night on how to Vampires shave when
12:22they can't see themselves in the mirror.
12:25Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other
12:28case closed.
12:31Yeah.
12:31Okay.
12:31So zombies, I guess it depends on the zombies Roger.
12:35We talking slow zombies fast zombies like in 28 days.
12:38If those zombies didn't eat they starve.
12:40You're thinking of 28 days later 28 days is where Sandra
12:43Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead
12:45state.
12:47Hey, don't back on Sandra Bullock.
12:49You think it makes you look cultured but you just come off
12:51as bitter.
12:53Nice shot.
12:56My father taught me archery as a child.
13:05It's odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart
13:07bourbon.
13:10Perfect.
13:11I know.
13:13What an elf I would have made.
13:16Oh, what do you think you're doing shooting at a target
13:19with what an arrow really?
13:21I didn't see you draw one from your quiver.
13:25I'm not going to do that.
13:26Sheldon Leonard the people at Nintendo can only go so far
13:29in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience.
13:33We have to do our part too.
13:45That was uncalled for but I'll play along.
13:49Al I got something I want to ask Bernadette and I can't
13:54think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
13:57Oh, hold on Howard.
13:58There's lots of better times.
14:01Leonard, please the man is talking let him get it out and
14:04let the chips fall where they may.
14:11Bernadette Marianne Rostenkowski.
14:15Oh God, what's happening?
14:17I know things haven't been perfect with us and we've had
14:21our problems, but I just have to tell you from the moment
14:25Howard.
14:25Let me just stop you right here.
14:26This is it.
14:30Yes.
14:33Yes, what?
14:35Yes, I will marry you.
14:36You will you will I will.
14:41I will.
14:42I love you so much.
14:51Tonight is pizza night.
14:52I'd like to refer that to my attorney.
14:57According to what I see here.
14:58Those two nights are Franconi's pizza night.
15:01Yes, and when Franconi's went out of business we switch
15:04to Graziano's.
15:05That's interesting.
15:06Can you just switch restaurants like that Priya?
15:12Good question Howard.
15:14Turns out you can't according to the document you drew up
15:18Sheldon the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires
15:21public hearings and a 60-day comment period.
15:24Were those criteria met?
15:32No.
15:39This is Greek food.
15:41Leonard you hate Greek food.
15:43Not as much as you.
16:08Care to dance?
16:09Sorry.
16:10I'm engaged.
16:12How about you?
16:14Oh, what the hell?
16:33Leonard are you in the shower?
16:35I can't hear you.
16:36I'm in the shower.
16:38I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now.
16:42What?
16:44Moot rendered unimportant by recent events.
16:48I can't hear you.
16:49I'm in the shower.
16:51I have to skip the chit-chat.
16:53Emergency.
16:54What kind of emergency?
16:56Mathematical 32 ounce banana smoothie 16 ounce bladder.
17:02You might not want to do that.
17:03Why sure you I do.
17:05Sheldon, I'm not alone in here.
17:07The what?
17:10Hello Sheldon.
17:12What are you doing in there?
17:13She can't be in here.
17:15We were in here first.
17:16You can't be in here.
17:18According to the roommate agreement paragraph 9 subsection
17:20B the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event
17:24of force majeure and believe me.
17:26I'm experiencing a very majeure force.
17:31You can't wait two minutes.
17:32Leonard let the man be.
17:35Penny Penny Penny.
17:45What move move move?
17:48Good news.
17:49I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
17:54That is good news.
17:55Bye.
17:57Do you know how I solved the balance center combat area
18:00problem five words transitional quadrilateral to triangular
18:05tessellation.
18:08That's brilliant.
18:10It's what I do.
18:12But wait, there's more.
18:14I also invented two new chess pieces the serpent.
18:19And the old woman.
18:23Okay.
18:23Now I have to ask what do they do when the serpent slithers
18:26to an opposing players piece that piece is considered poisoned
18:30and will die after two more moves.
18:36All right, unless it gets to the old woman in time in which
18:41case she sucks out the poison turning her into the Grand Empress.
18:49A piece combining the power of the night Queen and serpent
18:55elegant that's because it's simple for you.
18:58Just made a snide comment about your acting career.
19:01What the hell did she say?
19:02She thinks it's cool.
19:03You're following your dream.
19:04No matter what.
19:11How do you want to handle it?
19:14Okay.
19:14Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague
19:17to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
19:20Got it.
19:22Is it going to be in 3D?
19:25Well, I don't know.
19:25It doesn't matter.
19:26I'm going to say 3D that'll let her know the studio has faith
19:29in it.
19:30You're kidding 3D.
19:33That's what I hear.
19:35The studio must have real faith in it.
19:40I don't know why she didn't tell me.
19:42Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
19:44No.
19:47Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
19:50Well, it's not as much of surprise as you know, the other
19:56thing.
19:56What other thing?
19:58Well, if you...
20:02I don't...
20:04What's the word I'm looking for?
20:06I'm not going to help you.
20:07This is hilarious.
20:09Let's see if this drug works.
20:19Forgive me for staring, but you're very beautiful.
20:21I'm not sure if I'm going to like you.
20:22I'm not sure if I'm going to like you.
20:23I'm not sure if I'm going to like you.
20:24I'm not sure if I'm going to like you.
20:25You're very beautiful.
20:35That's a great accent.
20:36Where are you from?
20:37India.
20:38Oh, cool.
20:38I've always wanted to go there.
20:39It's a beautiful country.
20:40You'd love it.
20:41May I join you?
20:44Okay, sure.
20:45Why not?
20:46My name is Dr.
20:47Rajesh Kutrapalli and this is my friend, Dr.
20:49Sheldon Cooper.
20:50Hi.
20:50There's no need to interact with me.
20:52I'm just here to observe.
20:56What's he observing?
20:57We're scientists.
20:58We observe everything.
20:58Here, go buy yourself a scone.
21:02All right.
21:04I'd like to buy a scone.
21:06Oh, I'm sorry.
21:07We're out.
21:07We have muffins.
21:09They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
21:13What are you doing?
21:15Oh, just getting comfortable.
21:19So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
21:21They were out of scones.
21:23Sheldon, I'm talking to someone.
21:24You're being rude.
21:25I bet you're an actress.
21:27If not, you should be.
21:28You have a very expressive face.
21:31Oh, my God.
21:33Where are you going?
21:34We were doing so well.
21:36She never even got to see my penis.
21:47I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
21:50Glad you're enjoying yourself.
21:52Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom
21:54had been entirely focused on elimination.
21:58Now they have a delightful social aspect.
22:01Penny, you must have been in the bathroom with other women before.
22:06Of course I have.
22:07But they were strangers and seemed off-put
22:09when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chats.
22:13Some women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.
22:18You okay in there, bestie?
22:20I'm fine.
22:21The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness,
22:24the inability to pass urine—
22:26Yeah, I said I'm fine. Stop talking to me.
22:29She always this crabby when she urinates?
22:31We're really not that close.
22:35Screw it. I'll go later.
22:36And I'll be right by your side.
22:38Do you like her? She's great, huh?
22:41She's a lovely girl. Cute as a button.
22:44That's good to hear, because I've got some news.
22:48I hope it's good news,
22:50because I've got nothing but disappointment in here.
23:02Bernadette and I are getting married.
23:09Ma?
23:12You too busy bearing down?
23:16Ma?
23:19Oh, my gosh. Ma?
23:23Stand back. I'm going to break the door down.
23:33Son of a bitch! Ma, help!
23:36Finally.
23:49Oh, what fresh hell is this?
23:51Wait, you can't leave here. You've been exposed.
23:57No, I haven't.
24:00It's all good.
24:07Mountain elf.
24:13He takes the elf from off the show.
24:16He takes the elf from off the show.
24:21Hell hounds.
24:22Hell hounds who let the satanic dogs out.
24:29Colossal serpent.
24:31I got a colossal serpent right here.
24:36Must you?
24:38Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
24:41Rotting zombie.
24:43Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
24:51Xandor, wizard of the north. Ha, I win.
24:55You skipped the part about being under a two-week quarantine
24:57because you were exposed to a deadly disease? Absolutely.
25:01That's my water.
25:03What?
25:03My water. You're drinking it.
25:05Beer? Lord.
25:08Have you been drinking it?
25:10Yes, it's my water.
25:12Well, that's it then.
25:13I'm dead.
25:16Here we go.
25:17I'm sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you?
25:20The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home.
25:25Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
25:31Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about.
25:34Then it may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
25:39You guys ready to order?
25:40Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin,
25:43some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
25:48I don't understand.
25:49He drank from Leonard's glass.
25:51He drank from Leonard's glass.
25:52Words he'll be carving into my tombstone.
25:56That's actually my napkin.
25:58Oh, this is a nightmare!
26:00Where are you going?
26:01To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
26:04Gangway! Dead man walking!
26:06Do friendship.
26:08Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking?
26:15And the answer was elephant.
26:38Oh, God.
26:45Oh, God.
26:52Oh, God!
26:55Oh!
26:57Okay, look, this never happened.
27:00Do you understand me?
27:05Really? Still can't talk to me?
27:07Oh, God.