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00:00It's out of order.
00:07Yes, I can read the sign. I'm just pondering the implications.
00:11I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
00:15Again, I can read the sign.
00:20But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust which indicates that the
00:24elevator has been non-functional for a significant amount of time which suggests
00:28either a remarkable passivity among the, I assume, 24 to 36 residents of this building
00:33based on the number of mailboxes and given typical urban population density
00:38or a shared delusion of functionality.
00:42You must be Leonard's mother.
00:46I don't know if I must be, but yes.
00:49I'm Penny. I'm his neighbor.
00:51Oh, Dr. Beverly Hofstadter.
00:52Oh, nice to meet you.
00:54Oh, you're a handshaker. Interesting.
00:59Oh, why don't you come with me? I'll walk you to the apartment.
01:02Oh, all right. Would you like to exchange pleasantries on the way?
01:06Yeah, sure, I guess.
01:07All right, you start.
01:10Okay, you know, I've always been curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
01:13Oh, I think you mean young. He's always been little.
01:17Right, okay. What was he like when he was young?
01:19You'll have to be more specific.
01:21Oh, okay, like five or six.
01:28Oh, five.
01:32Oh, well, at that age, he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call
01:34the phallic stage of psychosexual development. An outmoded theory, of course,
01:38but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his penis.
01:44Oh, yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
01:46Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
01:50Oh, well, I'm an actress.
01:53Why?
01:56What do you mean, why?
01:57Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts
02:00suffer from an external locus of identity.
02:07Yeah, I don't know what that means.
02:10Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you,
02:14which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
02:17Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
02:21Tell me about it.
02:24I know my dad wanted a boy.
02:30I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty.
02:36And then I'm assuming you entered adolescence.
02:38Uh-huh. He called me slugger until I got my first job.
02:42And then he called me a slut.
02:44Uh-huh. He called me slugger until I got my first training bra.
02:48And then he just stopped playing catch with me.
02:52I wasn't slugger anymore.
02:57Your mother's here?
03:04If you want to have intercourse with that girl,
03:06find out what kind of cologne her father wore.
03:08Good to see you, mother.
03:14Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
03:18Please don't go there, Howard.
03:20I understand that unlike Leonard, they're at the top of their respective fields.
03:27Boy, you suck.
03:30Well, Leonard's younger brother Michael is a tenured law professor at Harvard,
03:33and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
03:39So she's close to curing diabetes.
03:42Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
03:47Wow, you must be very proud.
03:49Why? They're not my accomplishments.
03:52I have to urinate.
03:58Why are you doing this?
03:59You know the rules. You brought your mom to work. You must suffer.
04:07That was fast.
04:08The middle stall was occupied. I'll have to try again later.
04:12It's totally understandable.
04:13In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
04:19So where were we?
04:20Howard lives with his mother and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk.
04:24Go.
04:27Oh, that's fascinating.
04:28Selective mutism is quite rare.
04:31On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother
04:34is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
04:39It's just temporary. I pay rent.
04:41He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
04:44You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother
04:48can stem from a pathological fear of women.
04:51It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage
04:55to satisfy your need for intimacy.
05:05Say what?
05:08That's basically what I just said.
05:11You brought your husband to work? Do you know the rules?
05:21Howard, answer the door! I'm busy!
05:25I'm busy too! You answer it!
05:27I can't! I'm on the toilet!
05:31For God's sake, I don't need to hear that! Can't you just say I'm busy?
05:35I said I'm busy, but that wasn't good enough for you!
05:39You know what? I hope it's one of those home invasion deals and they shoot me in the head!
05:43Well, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet!
05:52There's no one there!
05:54You're hearing things, you crazy old lady!
05:57So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express
06:01your latent homosexual feelings towards one another?
06:05No.
06:08What? No!
06:10Why not?
06:13Because we don't have latent homosexual feelings toward one another.
06:17I see.
06:20No, really, I have a girlfriend now.
06:22And where is she this evening?
06:24She had to go out of town. Her grandmother died.
06:28I see. Her grandmother died.
06:31You did honest to God! Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend.
06:37I don't know what you're talking about.
06:40What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? Tell her I have a girlfriend!
06:43All right. He has a girlfriend.
06:49Her name is Bernadette. She's working as a waitress,
06:51but she's going to school to be a microbiologist.
06:53Howard, keep in mind that the more passionately you stick to this construct,
06:56the more you're hurting your partner.
07:02Do you really think your lips in my ear is helping?
07:07Hi! Sorry I'm late.
07:08Oh, glad you're here. Sit down. I'll get you a plate.
07:10Mom, you remember Penny?
07:12Oh, yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues.
07:17Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger growing breasts?
07:21Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm gonna say no.
07:28If it helps, we're all good with your breasts.
07:32Oh, classic overcompensation.
07:36Oh, speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me, I'm divorcing yours.
07:42What?
07:42Yes, he was cheating on me.
07:44No!
07:44Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
07:51Oh, no offense, dear.
07:53No, it sounded like a compliment.
07:57When did this happen?
07:59Well, let's see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
08:02September 22nd.
08:04Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
08:06Mitzi's dead?
08:10She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
08:15I don't believe this. Why am I the last to know?
08:17Excuse me, Leonard. I am the one who's getting a divorce.
08:20Mitzi is the one who is dead. Why are you the one making a fuss?
08:24You're right. I'm sorry. I'm way out of line.
08:29So, Penny, what's new in your life?
08:33Nothing. Not a damn thing.
08:36Leonard!
08:37Sonny boy!
08:40Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you!
08:45What the hell is going on?
08:47You're in trouble.
08:50Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl?
08:59Did I say that right?
09:01Yeah, not bad. Not bad.
09:03Are you guys drunk?
09:05Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco?
09:11Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship
09:15with this lovely, charming young woman?
09:17Oh, thank you.
09:18You're welcome. Is it because she's uneducated,
09:21trapped in a menial service position?
09:25What the hell happened to lovely and charming?
09:27How come you didn't tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce?
09:31How come you didn't tell me you had surgery?
09:33How come you didn't tell me my dog died?
09:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:38What I hear you saying is that
09:41you want a more intimate mother-son relationship.
09:45I do.
09:46There. It's late. Now, go to bed.
10:09I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
10:12I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
10:16That's the Del Taco.
10:25Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
10:30Speaking of warm feelings, come here.
10:43Now I'd rather have the bus, boy.
10:47I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
10:51I assure you I am quite real, and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
10:59What?
11:00Oh, yes. We are like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
11:08Amy, what is he saying?
11:11You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is.
11:18Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
11:23Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
11:33Thank you, Sheldon. That went very well.
11:35Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
11:45Bazinga.
11:48Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
11:51She's great, huh?
11:53She's a lovely girl. Cute as a button.
11:56That's good to hear, because I've got some news.
12:00I hope it's good news, because I've got nothing but disappointment in here.
12:13Bernadette and I are getting married.
12:21Ma? You too busy bearing down?
12:27Ma?
12:32Oh my gosh, Ma. Stand back or I'm going to break the door down.
12:44Son of a bitch, Ma. Help.
12:48Stop yelling.
12:51I'm not happy about this.
12:53What's the last thing you were ever happy about?
12:56Prospect of fried chicken.
13:00This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route 4 serves sushi, but it's just cut-up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben's.
13:09Put it on the menu in those kung fu letters, but that don't make it sushi.
13:15Kung fu letters might not be politically correct.
13:19Oh, I thought the one we couldn't say was ching chong.
13:24Yeah, yeah, that too.
13:27So, Shelly, what's up with you and your friend Amy, if you don't mind a mother prying a bit?
13:32Well, there's actually big news on the Amy front.
13:35She's been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals.
13:39She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.
13:45You have any idea what's going on with those two?
13:47It's kind of like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know.
13:53Sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
14:01How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you're in some sort of a long-distance situation.
14:06Oh, yeah, it's Raj's sister. It's kind of tough. She's in India. Also, her parents aren't happy she's dating someone white.
14:13Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it? You never think about it going the other way.
14:19Well, you can't force things. You need to figure out if you're in a relationship or if you're just calling it one.
14:25It's like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits.
14:31That reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
14:40Sheldon, if you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
14:49Please pester her. Please, for me.
14:53Okay, give me the flowers and pie.
14:56But if we show up and you're holding them, she'll think they're only from you.
14:59They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
15:05Yes, but now that I've seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there's no going back.
15:12Boy, I can't wait to see the look on her face.
15:16We're leaving right now.
15:17What's wrong?
15:18Nothing.
15:19Sheldon, tell me what's going on.
15:21I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.
15:26Okay, let's do this.
15:28Good luck.
15:30Aren't you going to come with me?
15:32While you confront your mother about her sex life, I'd rather go back to that bar and assless chaps.
15:38Mother? Mother? Mother?
15:42Shelly, I'm so glad you're here.
15:45I saw you having naked sex.
15:50What are you talking about?
15:52Earlier, I came here to surprise you.
15:54I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
15:57Oh, Shelly, I'm so sorry. Come in.
16:02Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
16:07Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
16:14That's not funny.
16:19Maybe we should sit at the table.
16:22That's not funny.
16:27Maybe we should sit at the table.
16:36Well, I'm sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.
16:43Who was he?
16:44His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.
16:48How long have you been involved with him?
16:50A few months.
16:52And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
17:00That is no way to speak to your mother.
17:02Perhaps not.
17:04But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen's finest sofas.
17:12I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
17:16Or what?
17:17Or I will send you to your room.
17:19That's ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist, and I currently occupy the moral high ground.
17:26Go to your room.
17:29But I occupy the moral high ground.
17:32Go to your room.
17:34But I'm a professional scientist.
17:36Go to your room.
17:39Go to your room.
17:46I'm a grown man.
17:52Hello.
17:53Hello.
17:54Are you ready to discuss this calmly like adults?
17:58I am.
18:10Shelley, I'm sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.
18:16I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy.
18:20Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been espousing your whole life?
18:24You're right, it does. And it's something that I'm struggling with these days.
18:28Then why are you doing it?
18:30Because I'm not perfect, Shelley. And that man's booty is.
18:36That man's booty is.
18:44Well, this is confusing for me.
18:48But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness.
18:50So, I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
18:59That is very Christian of you.
19:02But, Mother, if you're going to conduct your life in this fashion,
19:05then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman.
19:10You know, it's not all sock hops, soda jerks, and segregation anymore.
19:16How old do you think I am?
19:19My point is that you're going to need to be careful.
19:22You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology.
19:27But now you're going to need a stronger friend.
19:29Named Latex.
19:33Are you having the sex talk with me?
19:36Well, someone has to.
19:38Oh, dear Lord.
19:40No, don't look to him. He's mad at you right now.
19:43What are you doing here? I thought you moved out.
19:46Oh, yeah, I was going to.
19:48And then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night.
19:51I didn't have any place to go. She likes having me around.
19:54So we both said, why leave?
19:56At the same time.
19:58It's precious.
20:01It's not that precious.
20:04I'd like to back you up, but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
20:11Stewie, I can't find my glasses.
20:14Be right there, dab dab.
20:17They're probably on her head.
20:20Or in her neck. Listen.
20:22You staying here seems like something she would have talked to me about.
20:26Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you'd know.
20:29You lost my mother's ashes?
20:33No, I'm just saying that sometimes bags are misrouted.
20:36All right, fine. Where did you misroute the only woman who ever loved me?
20:40The first one. First. I meant first.
20:45I just need some information.
20:47What's the flight number?
20:48816.
20:50I really did mean first.
20:51Just drop it.
20:54And can you describe the bag?
20:55Um, well, it's black. There's a red ribbon tied to the handle.
20:58The world's greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.
21:03Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz, as far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.
21:08So where is it?
21:09I don't know. Perhaps somebody took it off the carousel?
21:12I don't know.
21:13So where is it?
21:14I don't know. Perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake?
21:19So some stranger has my mom?
21:22Is that what you're telling me? My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?
21:27I wish I was telling you that.
21:31But the passenger could have gotten on an international flight?
21:35Okay, great. So your entire job is to find lost luggage,
21:39and you've narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth!
21:44I'm sorry. Would 500 frequent flyer miles help?
21:47That could get you to Sacramento.
21:53Great news! Your bag was returned.
21:55Oh, thank God.
21:56It's okay! She's here. Ma's here.
22:00Thank you so much.
22:01Ma, I'm sorry I didn't take you to the airport.
22:06I just want you to know that I'll never forgive myself for being so selfish.
22:10And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.
22:16Oh, no. That thing's going to end up in my bedroom.
22:20Dr. Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
22:23So nice to meet you.
22:24Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight?
22:26Very pleasant. And yours?
22:27Lovely. Almost as if someone, not saying who, was watching over the plane.
22:35You're kidding, right?
22:37Subtle, Mom. Real subtle.
22:41Sorry I got caught up at work.
22:43Hi, Beverly!
22:44Hello.
22:45Oh, okay.
22:48Sorry, I forgot.
22:49You remember my mother?
22:50Oh, yes! Hi, Mary!
22:52Good to see you again, dear!
22:54Yeah, and that's what I'm talking about.
22:57So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged.
23:00Yeah, let me show you the ring.
23:02Oh, lovely. It must have been very expensive.
23:05Oh, no, not at all.
23:06No, we found a place online that repurposes diamond drill bits.
23:14We did not. That's not true.
23:17Can I speak to you alone for a second?
23:19Oh, sure.
23:21It came from Tiffany's.
23:23You mean the box, right?
23:24Yeah.
23:28It really doesn't matter to me how much he spent on the ring.
23:32I think.
23:34We're not in a rush. We'll set a date when the time is right.
23:37It doesn't matter, sweetie.
23:38The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
23:42Ugh.
23:45The Bible is ugh to you?
23:47No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.
23:49As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them.
23:57You want to talk about superstitions?
23:59Sheldon sent me the books you wrote.
24:00All that nonsense about superegos and ids.
24:03What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
24:07His name is Sigmund Freud.
24:09Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
24:15Stay out of this.
24:18At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion.
24:22All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.
24:29That's fascinating.
24:31How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?
24:37I know the answer. You're not going to like it.
24:41Try me.
24:42When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church.
24:45And I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumbass daddy.
24:51And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes.
24:58Yes.
25:06What is that supposed to mean?
25:07It means I can't believe we're having this conversation.
25:11Well, do it some more. Maybe it knocks some sense into yourself.
25:17How about we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe.
25:20You know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.
25:24It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.
25:27Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.
25:32I'm just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I've caused.
25:34Oh, so am I.
25:36You made God sad today, Mom.
25:46Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong. I think it's nice they're hitting it off.
25:50That's not the reason to rush into anything.
25:52I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow.
25:55You and I, we didn't even hold hands for two years.
25:59It's a lot hotter than it sounds.
26:02You're a patient young lady.
26:04Hey, she's mine. Take a cold shower, Grandpa.
26:10There's a lot of traffic. Are we going to be okay?
26:13You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
26:15Good. Thank you.
26:16Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
26:21Hey, I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
26:24Yes, ma'am.
26:26Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman.
26:28You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
26:31And you need to drive the car and mind your business.
26:35I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
26:37But you're not my mother.
26:38Don't you be disrespectful to her.
26:40Yes, ma'am.
26:43You'll get there. You just got to put some zing on it.
26:47Oh, that's a nice one. Was it yours when you were little?
26:50My dad built it for me.
26:51Wow, it's so cute.
26:53This was the husband. This was the wife.
26:55They'd go out on adventures together.
26:57Cruises, skiing, horseback riding.
27:00That was really me just duct taping them to our dog.
27:04And did they have kids?
27:05They did.
27:06But the mommy and daddy didn't like them,
27:08so they shipped them off to an orphanage I made out of a shoebox.
27:12Yeah, that's not worrisome at all.
27:16Not every girl dreams about being a mom.
27:19Sometimes you think you're never going to have kids.
27:21And one day you wake up and you're pregnant.
27:23And it doesn't matter that your career's going great right now
27:25and that you and your husband never even got to go anywhere taped to a dog.
27:31I skipped spin class for this.
27:35Oh, wait, shouldn't we just eat?
27:37You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule
27:39to bless these sloppy Joes.
27:41Come on, Shirley, tell me your news.
27:44Right, this is on you.
27:47Amy and I are living together in sin.
27:50Like a couple of New Yorkers.
27:54Now, while you scold us, I'm going to get a knife and a fork.
27:57Jo may be sloppy, but Sheldon's not.
28:02Well, thank you for letting me know,
28:04and I, for one, am thrilled.
28:09What?
28:11Where's the judgment?
28:13Where's the fire and brimstone?
28:15Where's the part where you tell us we're going to hell
28:17and I say, have you seen the size of the bugs outside?
28:19We're already there.
28:22Obviously, I would prefer if you weren't living out of wedlock,
28:25but given your special circumstances,
28:27I'm very happy for you.
28:32And what special circumstances are those?
28:35How do I put this?
28:37By your third birthday,
28:39you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains.
28:43And I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
28:53What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?
28:57No, just for the middle part.
29:00Because at the end, I assumed there'd be nurses.
29:05Well, this is highly insulting.
29:07Sheldon, don't overreact.
29:09I'm the child she was worried about.
29:11I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage
29:14couldn't power a potato clock.
29:16If I spotted them, the potato.
29:22Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
29:23Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
29:26What?
29:27I was in my room. I couldn't hear what they were saying.
29:32Hi, Pen-oh.
29:33Hello, Leonard.
29:37Hello, Mother. How are you?
29:38Fine. And you?
29:39I'm great.
29:40Well, it's been lovely catching up.
29:42Wait. Hang on. We need to talk.
29:45Oh, brother.
29:49I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
29:53Well, isn't the real question why aren't you proud of yourself?
29:56No, that is a question, and I ask it a lot.
30:02But let's stick with the one I asked you.
30:05But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
30:07Because you never say it.
30:09But two days into chatting with Penny,
30:11and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
30:13She is great.
30:15Honestly, of all of my children's spouses,
30:18she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
30:21Seriously?
30:22Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful,
30:25and she never complained about you once.
30:28I know what kind of strength that takes.
30:32So, Penny's your favorite?
30:35I suppose she is.
30:37You married well, Leonard, and for that, I am proud of you.
30:44I don't, I don't, I don't know what to say.
30:46I'm also proud of how hard you're trying not to cry.
30:54Would you like to hang up now?
30:56Yeah, here it comes.
30:58Penny, can I have a moment alone with my...
30:59Yeah, I...
31:04Have you calmed down?
31:05No, I'm not calm. You really heard me.
31:08That wasn't my intention.
31:09It doesn't matter what you intended.
31:12What matters is the way you made me feel.
31:14Actually, the way you've always made me feel.
31:19I see. So, you're here to tell me all the ways that I failed you as a mother.
31:23Yeah.
31:25And get comfortable, because it's a long list.
31:28Yeah.
31:34Is it happening soon?
31:40You know what? It doesn't matter.
31:44It doesn't matter. You're never gonna change.
31:47If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you, so...
31:55I forgive you.
31:58I didn't ask you to forgive me.
31:59Too bad. I forgive you anyway.
32:03And I forgive myself for taking so long to do it.
32:07Oh my God, that feels so good.
32:13I must admit it.
32:16It does feel good.
32:20What does?
32:24You forgiving me.
32:29It means a lot.
32:54I love you.