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00:00Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Who's Lion Is It Anyway.
00:04On tonight's show, be sure to watch behind your Wayne Brady.
00:08Treat others as you would have them treat Chip Esten.
00:11Never take candy from Colin Bakery.
00:14And don't go out without a blue pair of Brian Stiles.
00:19And everyone else, let's have some fun.
00:26Whoa.
00:27Hello, and welcome.
00:31Welcome to Who's Lion Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
00:34That's right, the points are just like my ab machine.
00:40If you never saw the show before, what happens is these guys are going to make up everything you see right off the top of their heads.
00:44And then after every game, we give them these fakie points to hold the show together.
00:47They have nothing to do with anything.
00:48And at the end of the show, we pick a fake winner.
00:51It's just really somebody who just gets to sit at the desk and relax.
00:53While the losers get to calculate how deep the ocean would be if there were no sponges in it.
00:57I tell you, we'd all be drowning right now if it wasn't for those sponges.
01:03Let's start the show with a game called Hollywood Director.
01:05This is for everybody.
01:06Ryan, Chip, and Wayne are going to act on a film scene.
01:09Colin is going to be the temperamental Hollywood director.
01:11He's giving the actors different notes.
01:12These are the notes, the secret notes.
01:14Put them in your pocket.
01:15You've never seen them before.
01:15And what's the scene is, is Chip is a government scientist testing out his new RoboCop, Ryan.
01:21And Wayne is a high-tech thief who breaks in to steal it.
01:25And you're the temperamental director, and you're going to take over the scene after they get started.
01:28So go ahead.
01:29Okay, say freeze.
01:32Freeze.
01:32Deeper, deeper voice.
01:34Freeze.
01:36Oops.
01:36Oh, jeez.
01:38Oops.
01:38Oops.
01:39Come on.
01:40Okay.
01:40Ooh.
01:43Come on.
01:44Ooh.
01:44Ooh.
01:45Hey, hold it right there.
01:51Get back.
01:52Give me the code.
01:55Get him.
01:56Freeze.
01:57Freeze.
01:58Freeze.
01:59Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
02:03I was just looking at the playback.
02:04I've seen better film on my grandmother's eye.
02:07Come on.
02:10Let's try to work here.
02:12You know what?
02:17We need something that appeals to the kids.
02:19I want you to do it like your clueless teenage girls.
02:25Trust me.
02:27Go.
02:27Like freeze.
02:33Like freeze.
02:33Totally.
02:34Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
02:35Oh, my God.
02:36Oh, my God.
02:37I've got to have the robot.
02:40I hear something.
02:41I want him.
02:49Oh, my God.
02:50I want him, too.
02:51Oh, my God.
02:52Get back.
02:53Oh, hit.
02:53No, you better get all of my things.
02:55That's my name.
02:56Oh, I'm going to tell you something.
02:58But you...
02:59Oh, you are...
02:59Give me the code.
03:02Hit me, baby.
03:03One more time.
03:04Oh, oh.
03:04Oh.
03:06Cut, cut, cut, cut.
03:08I don't know.
03:08Forget it.
03:09We can't do that.
03:09That's demeaning to women.
03:11Besides, all your boobs are really small.
03:13All right.
03:14We need something.
03:16Something.
03:17Yes.
03:18Yes.
03:20Do it like 70s disco dancers.
03:23Get a little movement in there.
03:24Give me a little.
03:25Staying alive.
03:25Staying alive.
03:26All right.
03:30Freeze.
03:31This hand goes up and it goes down.
03:33All right.
03:33Yeah.
03:34Damn, baby.
03:34Yeah.
03:35I need to get that robot.
03:37We need some more batteries.
03:46Do the gunshot.
03:47Do the gunshot.
03:49Bang.
03:50Bang.
03:51Bang.
03:52Bang.
03:53Bang.
03:54Bang.
03:55I need the robot.
03:57Give it to me now.
03:59Cut, cut, cut, cut.
04:00Cut, cut, cut.
04:02You're making me tired.
04:03All right.
04:05We need...
04:05By the way, I can't see you anymore.
04:08All right.
04:11We need to appeal to everyone.
04:13What is everyone like?
04:14Sex.
04:15So do it lustfully.
04:16Filled with lust.
04:17You fake it.
04:22Look at you.
04:23You're just so big and strong and you're all metal.
04:31Use the bigger ones.
04:36I've got to have that robot.
04:38Colin, you were especially good in that one.
04:5120,000 points.
04:52Thank you, Drew.
04:57Now, let's go on to a game called Duet.
04:59This is for Chip and Wayne with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.
05:02Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.
05:02Oh, here's somebody sitting in the corner right over here.
05:09Ray over here.
05:10What's your name, please?
05:11Maria.
05:12What are you for living, Maria?
05:13Riverside.
05:14Oh, no.
05:14What do you do for a living?
05:15What do I do?
05:15I'm sorry.
05:17I'm a hula instructor.
05:18Really?
05:18All the way to Riverside?
05:19Come on down here.
05:20She's a hula instructor.
05:21Maria, come on down.
05:22Say hi to the guys.
05:23Have a seat at the school.
05:24Nice to meet you.
05:30How are you doing?
05:30Maria claims to be a hula instructor.
05:36You're going to sing a song to her,
05:37we're using her name and occupation,
05:39as Van Halen.
05:46Wow!
05:47Yeah!
05:49Woo!
05:49Oh, yeah!
05:57Now, Maria is the girl.
05:59She's got a lot of taste.
06:01She does it do a talking with her mouth.
06:03She does it with her waist.
06:05Oh, she uses her brain.
06:07She uses her medulla.
06:09Look at her over in Riverside.
06:12That's hula.
06:13Yeah!
06:15Yeah!
06:16Woo!
06:17Take that hula!
06:18She, she, she, I've got it fast.
06:21When she sees her, well, I just can't pass.
06:25She turns around, and she can move that grass.
06:29She's done!
06:31Yeah, yeah.
06:33When she moves her legs, it drives me crazy.
06:37It's the kind of entertainment that you see at Waikiki.
06:41Oh, let me tell you something, something you should know.
06:45When she does like this, boom, goes my volcano.
06:49Maria!
06:51Maria!
06:52Maria!
06:56She makes me want to jump!
06:58I want to jump!
07:00I'm her boy, Aloha Hoy!
07:03Ho, ho!
07:04Ho, ho!
07:04Ho, ho!
07:06Ho, ho!
07:06Ho, ho!
07:07Ho, ho, ho!
07:08Ho, ho!
07:09Ho, ho, ho!
07:10Ho, ho, ho, ho!
07:11Ho, ho, ho, ho!
07:12Ho, ho, ho, ho!
07:13Ho, ho, ho, ho!
07:14Ho, ho, ho!
07:15Ho, ho!
07:16Ho, ho!
07:17Ho, ho!
07:18Ho, ho!
07:19Ho, ho, ho!
07:20Ho, ho, ho!
07:22Ho, ho, ho!
07:23Ho, ho, ho!
07:24Thank you, Hula!
07:25Look at my guys!
07:26Thank you, Hula.
07:27Maria from Riverside, chicken-eyed Hula thing.
07:29Look at that.
07:30There she goes.
07:31Aloha!
07:32Thank you, Hula!
07:33Thank you, Hula.
07:35Thank you, Hula.
07:37Thank you, Hula.
07:38Thank you, Hula.
07:39Hey, I wonder who the Hula instructor's gonna be this year, man.
07:43I don't feel tardy.
07:46Give me something to ride on.
07:48Okay.
07:49I'm hot for Hula teacher.
07:51Let's go on.
07:52Let's move on with a game called Narrate.
07:55For Colin and Ryan.
07:56Give me, somebody from this middle section, give me an unlikely place for a film noir scene.
08:01The Oval Office.
08:04So, you guys are gonna do a film noir scene for us.
08:08Set in the Oval Office.
08:10Take it away.
08:17I'd been looking for the man who had raised my taxes.
08:19I wanted to meet him face to face so he could see what he had done to me.
08:24I found him in the Oval Office.
08:27There didn't seem to be much security around.
08:29I had just walked right in.
08:34Yo.
08:35All right.
08:36You're the president?
08:37Yeah, I'm the president.
08:39I got big problems.
08:40Big problems with you.
08:43I knew he had big problems.
08:46But I was used to big problems.
08:48And I knew how to keep people with secrets quiet.
08:51Cigar?
09:07I felt even more uncomfortable than I did when I walked in and noticed he was wearing no pants.
09:14This guy was crazy.
09:16It was up to me to stop him.
09:18And I knew just how to do it.
09:22Want to go with me to Canada?
09:27I'd love to.
09:28Have some wine.
09:29Thanks.
09:30Oh.
09:31A stain.
09:44I don't think I need to say any more.
09:46Yeah, I'll go with you to Canada.
09:54Good.
09:56Because I've fallen in love with you.
10:03I know what you're thinking.
10:04Falling in love with another man.
10:06It's better looking than most of the women I've slept with.
10:07It's better looking than most of the women I've slept with.
10:09No!
10:10No!
10:11Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
10:16Come on, He's like, never do good.
10:17Don't go away.
10:18Welcome back to Who's Light Is It? Anyway, the show, everything's made up, and the points don't matter.
10:26Hey, listen, some of the folks in the studio might have noticed the light stimming during the commercial.
10:30No need to panic. It was just another execution in Texas.
10:34Let's keep the show going.
10:36Game called Themed Restaurant.
10:39This is for all four of you.
10:40Wayne and Chip are going to be at a restaurant having a high-powered business lunch.
10:43Ryan and Colin are the two waiters.
10:45However, the theme of the restaurant is the Olympics.
10:48Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. Hold. All right? Yes. Great. Close it.
10:54All right. So what do you have for me?
10:55Well, I brought my portfolio, and I think this is going to be an interesting...
10:57Hold on one second. Garçon!
11:00I'm going to light some up.
11:01Oh, thank you.
11:05So you were saying?
11:06I think this portfolio is going to be something you're interested in. We can do business together.
11:09I'm really a little thirsty, though. Do you think we could get some...
11:11Yeah, um, we need some more water, please.
11:15Ah!
11:18Great. Thank you.
11:20Nine-six.
11:24Now, what I'm trying to tell you is that we need to expand. The company needs more revenue.
11:31We need ten times more processing to come through.
11:34So, that's all I'm saying.
11:37If you can do this for me, then I won.
11:39Well, what we're going to do is we're going to consolidate a lot of your other problems.
11:48We're going to have a lot of communication help for you.
11:50That's going to, you know, help all the different offices.
11:51Right, right, right.
11:52Can I get some Olympic onion rings?
11:53Thanks.
12:09thousand points like an Olympic judge okay let's go on to a game called greatest hits
12:29this is for everybody with Laura Hall Linda Taylor and piano guitar
12:32somebody from over in this section tell me what you wanted to be when you grow up
12:39firefighter we haven't done yet uh Ryan and Colin are going to pretend to be TV commercial salesman
12:47guys and they're going to make up names of songs and Chip and Wayne are going to have to sing the
12:51songs that these guys make up names for the name of the album is songs of the firefighters so take
12:56it away whenever you're ready hi we'll be right back to the missing letter production of when
13:02Harriet Sally in just a second but first have we got something for you hey Carl yes do you smell
13:09something no you don't you don't sell smell smoke do you no smoke no it's because we have firemen to
13:24keep those type of things under control why that's right and we've composed 40 songs on 20 CDs all
13:30about the firemen you know you can barely think about firemen without wanting to hum a song
13:35maybe that's just me what do you think of Colin when I say beaches and barbecues cottage cheese
13:46nothing like putting the old cottage cheese on the grill and frying it up and you and your Canadian
13:54traditions you know it makes me think of the Beach Boys one of my favorite groups of all time and of
14:01course that song of theirs that was on the charts for 43 weeks sliding down the pole
14:07well let me tell you something when I start singing listen to the alarm ringing oh man I gotta jump
14:20down the hole a fireman loves to slide down the pole yeah somebody will come to harm if we hear that big
14:28a line it's all brass and I won't fall on my bottom down down the pole down the pole we gotta slide down
14:41you can have your alternative music give me the Beach Boys any day well remember the restraining order
15:08you know I love the old rock too I love Queen oh there's nothing better than singing in the shower
15:22with Queen oh and she has done such a job with England no no no the uh the band the band I know
15:31anyway one of my favorite Queen songs of course is we will hose you
15:40there's a little fire and I see the man with the hose that is me
15:50when I see that I know I'm going to squirt you one two three
15:56oh my goodness move out of the way don't cry because my water pressure is coming at 5,000 PSI
16:05because I know the thing I'll turn so you will not burn
16:12Oh my goodness, oh my goodness I'm not burn you, my hands
16:19I'm not burning you, my hands I'm not burning you, my hands I'm rouging you, my hands I'm not burning this
16:22the shit I love you, my hands I'm ROUDED you and I'm the thing with the water, I'm I'll hold you, my hands I'm proud of my whole
16:39I'm proud of my horse.
16:49We're going to have to call some firemen to put you out.
16:52Mercury's rising.
16:54You know, that isn't the only song we have from faraway countries.
17:01No, no, you know, Latin music is so popular.
17:04Oh, and people say Latin is a dead language.
17:06No, it's not.
17:07It's a language, too?
17:09Yeah.
17:12Latin pop is a music...
17:15It's music.
17:17And I think one of my favorite Latin...
17:19Well, it's actually the only Latin pop song I've ever heard.
17:22But it is my favorite.
17:23Keep going.
17:24Four Days On, Two Weeks Off.
17:31Because the fire, it makes Enrique hot.
17:35Are you ready, Ricky?
17:36I'm burning up!
17:41Well, I've got a great job.
17:45I only wait till they talk.
17:48Because I know I'm never tired of the fire.
17:53Being a fireman, it's so fun.
17:58When they call and they say, Squad 51.
18:02I know that I won't get a cough from too much smoke.
18:06Four Days On, Two Weeks Off.
18:07For Days On, Two Weeks Off.
18:11For Days On, Two Weeks Off.
18:14For Days On, Two Weeks Off.
18:18For Days On, Two Weeks Off.
18:22Oh, oh, oh, oh!
18:24Blue rings up!
18:27Blue rings up!
18:36Hey, we'll be right back.
18:37I'll be right back.
18:38Go ahead. Go away.
18:46Welcome back to Who's Down is in Anyway?
18:48Tonight's winner, Colin McLeod.
18:51So, Ryan and Wayne and I are going to sing a song for you
18:54called Three-Headed Broadway Star with Mieko,
18:56who we got out of the audience during the commercial break.
18:58How you doing, Mieko?
18:59We're going to sing a song to her as a strange three-headed
19:01Broadway star with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.
19:03And we're going to make up the song one word at a time.
19:06And what do you need from the audience,
19:07somebody over here in the middle,
19:09complete this sentence,
19:10whenever I see your blank.
19:12Teeth.
19:14Teeth.
19:15The tremendous Broadway love song,
19:17whenever I see your teeth, to Mieko.
19:21I love all art.
19:24I can't say enough about your teeth inside my mouth.
19:29Your teeth inside my mouth is good.
19:33love or art. I can't say enough about your teeth inside my mouth. Your teeth inside my
19:49mouth is good. Love bicuspids, molars, and canines incisors. When I look inside your mouth, I jump into your abyss.
20:13If you can't see my self inside your abyss, then you must kiss my abyss.
20:37Good night, everybody. We'll go back where he's going.
20:44Welcome back to Who Finds in Anyway Tonight. While everybody reads the credits for you, we brought Maria, the Hulu lady, down here. You're going to show everybody how to Hulu while everybody reads the credits.
20:56Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
21:03Jim Carrey. Timmy Mulville. Brian Stiles. Bruce Cowher.
21:10Yes! Yes!
21:12Fast. Keira Healy.
21:16Ron West. Gene Severson.
21:20John Perches. John Pritchett.
21:24하
21:27Transcription by CastingWords
21:27Vyatreson.
21:35Availa