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00:01Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Who's Live Is It Anyway.
00:04On tonight's show, Walk This Way, Wayne Brady.
00:07Boys in the Attic, Kathy Greenwood.
00:10Big Teners record, Colin Mochrie.
00:12And who looks like a lady, Ryan Stiles.
00:18How'd you go, your host? Come on, Dallas, have some fun.
00:26Hello.
00:27Hello, good evening. Hello, hello.
00:30Welcome to Who's Live Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
00:34That's right, the points are as useless as taking pills to lose weight while you sleep.
00:41Yeah.
00:41Let's start out with a game called Let's Make a Date.
00:44This is for all four of you.
00:44Kathy, you're going to be appearing on a dating game type show.
00:47Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are the loser bachelors you get to pick from.
00:51But we've given them each a strange identity.
00:54And you have to guess who they are while you question them about if you want to go out with them or not.
00:58Oh, wow. Yeah, you got kind of screwed there, right?
01:00Yeah.
01:01Okay, whenever you're ready, Kathy, start the question.
01:03Bachelor number one.
01:05Um, my turn-ons are humanity and integrity and TV.
01:12Um, what would be your turn-on?
01:17You?
01:19What are you talking about?
01:21You know what I'm talking about.
01:22Don't look at her.
01:23Don't make me.
01:24I will...
01:24I will...
01:25I will...
01:25I will...
01:26I will...
01:28I will...
01:29I will...
01:33I will...
01:38I will...
01:43I will...
01:44Wants out!
01:45Shut up, you screw!
01:48All right, I'll just let you take a breather there.
01:50And bachelor number two, um, things I don't like, you know, like worms, um, war, um, what
01:58don't you like?
01:58Pet peeves.
02:08All right, thank you bachelor number two.
02:18I'm really big on commitment, and I'd like to know, um, what do you think our future holds
02:25for us?
02:30Well, my lifespan, I see us laying in the sun and basking in the...
02:48All right, um, bachelor number one, back to you.
03:06Um, what, uh, oh, let's say it played hard to get.
03:11What, what, how would you pursue me?
03:13She doesn't want to see you.
03:14Look at you, broad.
03:15You're ugly.
03:16Ugly?
03:17Who put that face on you?
03:18Don't talk to me.
03:18Bachelor number two.
03:37I am so confused.
03:52Well, I was just going to ask you, what do you think of kids?
03:55Do you want to have kids?
03:56I love all carbon-based forms.
04:00All right.
04:01Oh, the people back home are going, I love this one.
04:10Bachelor number three, what would be your idea of foreplay?
04:19Oh, I suppose I'd shed my skin.
04:22Oh, I suppose I'd shed my skin.
04:22All right, Kathy, it's going to be tough.
04:33Yeah.
04:33Who are they?
04:34Bachelor number one, a women prison film.
04:41Bachelor number two, some alien copycats.
04:45And Bachelor number three, I'm guessing, a Komodo dragon, a lizard of some sort.
04:54Yes.
05:03That was great.
05:05I'm going to give each of you five of our new wonder points.
05:09These points have much more support.
05:11Yeah, they're pushed up, so you look more perky.
05:14Wonder points.
05:14We're going to move on with a game called The Scene with an Audience Member.
05:20For Ryan and Colin and a member of our audience.
05:31What's your name?
05:33Molly.
05:34What is it?
05:35Molly.
05:35Molly, come on down here, Molly.
05:42You can read, right?
05:43You can read, take this, you can read, take this, take this, take this microphone, take
05:46this card, go up and say hi to Colin and Ryan.
05:48Hi, Molly.
05:49This is Molly.
05:49Hi.
05:49How you doing?
05:50Now, what's going to happen is, you're going to act out a scene with these guys, and every
05:55once in a while, they're going to prompt you to read what's on the card.
05:58You just read them down in order.
06:00You'll be part of the scene with them.
06:01Won't that be fun?
06:02Yeah.
06:02The scene is, on the Titanic, Ryan, an impoverished artist, is doing a nude sketch of our audience
06:23member when her fiance, Colin, enters.
06:29You see, if I look at your reflection in the mirror, it's not like really looking at
06:35you.
06:38Look, I don't know how to say this to you, but I think I've fallen in love with you over
06:42the last few days.
06:43I don't know how you feel about me.
06:45How do you feel about me?
06:47We've been through this a thousand times.
06:49I know.
06:50You keep telling me you don't love me, but I thought there's some way I could convince...
06:53What is this nude artist doing here?
07:05I thought we had something special.
07:09When's the last time you took a bath?
07:12It's always the bath thing with you, isn't it?
07:15We're going to share a cabin for the rest of the trip.
07:18Don't you have something you want to say to him face to face?
07:21I think I'm going to be sick.
07:25No wonder.
07:26Look at him.
07:26He's like a mutant jellyfish.
07:31Molly, tell him you want him to go.
07:33Wow, you're gorgeous.
07:37That's right.
07:38She's looking at my painting.
07:40Oh.
07:41Oh, you are gorgeous.
07:44Oh.
07:45What was that?
07:47We hit something.
07:48Oh, I hope it wasn't an iceberg.
07:50We must have hit it on this side.
07:51Because I'm the only one who moved.
07:55What do you say you and I go somewhere and leave her alone?
07:58Let's go.
08:00Is that all right with you, Molly?
08:02I'd kill for a cold beer.
08:04All right.
08:04All right.
08:04I'm just sorry she couldn't get to the next line, which was, you're uglier than him.
08:34Thanks for reading it.
08:37Yeah, you're welcome.
08:38Yeah.
08:39That was supposed to be.
08:40And a thousand points to Molly.
08:41Thanks a lot, Molly.
08:41That's great.
08:45We're going to continue on with a game called props.
08:48Why don't you come over and get your props?
08:48Wayne, Colin, and Ryan and Kathy, this is your prop.
08:59Now, what happens is you have to go back and forth and think of as many things to do with
09:02these props as you can, as fast as you can.
09:04And I'll buzz you in between, starting with Ryan and Kathy.
09:07Hey, there can't be two gay teletubbies.
09:12Hop on, Jerry.
09:19That's not logical, Captain.
09:23Jim, I think I figured out why the raking took so long.
09:27Welcome, Alice.
09:38Welcome.
09:42Ow, I've just got these stupid hangnails.
09:45They're killing me.
09:47We must stop Godzilla before he reaches the power lines.
09:50See-through sharks!
09:55See-through sharks!
09:58Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:00The dark one.
10:03Oh, devil.
10:03Yeah.
10:13Well, there's a fundamental flaw in the design of this teeter-totter.
10:20We'll be right back with more Who's Line Is It Anyway?
10:24We're going to be right back with more Who's Line Is It Anyway?
10:25We're going to be right back with more Who's Line Is It Anyway?
10:29Hey, welcome back to Who's Line Is It Anyway?
10:31The show where you're going to be made up in the parts of the matter.
10:33I just want to give a plug if I can.
10:35If you click on ABC.com, we're selling the new Men of Who's Line calendar.
10:43I don't want to brag or anything, but I am Mr. April and half of May.
10:46We're going to continue on with a game called Greatest Hits.
10:55This is for Ryan, Colin, and Wayne.
10:56We'll come up with Laura Hall.
10:57I'm coming up with a little bit of a little bit of a sound.
11:02Now, what's going to happen is Colin and Ryan are going to be TV pitchmen
11:05talking about the latest compilation album.
11:07And they'll make up the names of the songs and the style of the song.
11:10And Wayne is going to try to sing it.
11:11What I need for the audience is a profession in which you carry a gun.
11:15Marine Corps, okay, good.
11:20We're going to use that one.
11:22Songs of the Marine Corps.
11:23I used to be in the Marine Corps Reserves, so...
11:26Songs of the Marine Corps.
11:30Attend, hut!
11:31Hey, what are you doing, Ryan?
11:33Well, you know, Colin, I used to be in the Marines for two days.
11:36Really?
11:37Yes, I did.
11:38And I quit.
11:39But you know what I miss the most?
11:40What's that, Ryan?
11:41The music of the Marine Corps.
11:43Oh, there have been millions and millions of songs saluting our men in whatever color they wear.
11:49Hey, did you know Drew Carey was once a Marine?
11:51Get out.
11:51Well, we have come up with a six-CD set of all the Marine songs you could ever hope to hear.
12:01That's right.
12:01Including that number one Tex-Mex hit.
12:07Shine those shoes.
12:08Now listen to me, I get up in the morning.
12:20Drill Sergeant says, get up, and I get up yawning.
12:23Because he's yelling at me, see, I got the blues.
12:26Because I need to shine my shoes.
12:29I need to eat the bottles in the morning.
12:32I need to eat the bottles in the evening.
12:35I have to eat the bottles whenever I am marching.
12:39Or else I might suffer from breathing.
12:42Yee-hoo!
12:49That'd be great with a big bowl of chili, wouldn't it?
12:51It sure would.
12:53Speaking of a big bowl of chili...
12:56Actually, I don't have a segue from big bowl of chili.
12:59But, you know, when I was younger, I belonged to a folk group called Granola Joe and the Crispy Oatmeal Trio.
13:09We didn't do very well.
13:10But we still had a lot of fun and made lots of friends across the country.
13:15And so folk has been a part of my life.
13:17And in fact, a part of my blood.
13:19It's been a part of my blood and my life.
13:20My life's blood.
13:21Well, so one of my favorite artists currently is Jewel.
13:28And her folk musing...
13:30Jewel?
13:31Jewel, I'm sorry.
13:33Jewel was one of the oatmeal trio.
13:36He was very funny, but never got many dates.
13:39Anyway, back to Jewel.
13:40This is her top 20 hit...
13:43Give Me 20!
13:44Give Me 20!
13:44Give Me 20!
13:46Give Me 20!
13:48Give Me 20!
13:50Give Me 20!
13:51Because there I am, marching all day long.
13:56I know that I'm not wrong, cause my legs are not that strong.
14:00I don't understand it.
14:01I don't like who I am.
14:03Because here I am.
14:05I'm in boot camp.
14:07My drill sergeant.
14:09He said, just drop.
14:11He said, it's not enough.
14:12It's not plenty.
14:14But everyone wants me anyway.
14:15And he says, just drop me and give me.
14:18Give me 20!
14:20Just want to go.
14:20One, two, three, four, five push-ups.
14:23And then I start to sweat.
14:25And then the hair gets in my eyes.
14:27And then I eat.
14:29I gotta get to sweat.
14:30I don't want to eat.
14:32I don't want to eat.
14:34Me.
14:34Me.
14:35Are you sure we were playing that at the right speed?
14:50Yes, we were.
14:51And if you order now, we'll throw in Jules' complete workout.
14:54You know, Colin, I'm sure the young kids will enjoy this album.
15:00But there's a lot of songs on here for the older folks, too.
15:03Do tell, Ryan.
15:03Well, you know, being a child of the 20s like I was, I grew up to the sounds of swing.
15:11Later on, after the 20s.
15:12When I was bigger.
15:15And I saw the movie Eat.
15:19This is what I have to deal with week after week.
15:32Swing.
15:33And I think one of my favorite swing songs of all time was, Let's Take a Shower.
15:43Come on, cats.
15:46Are you tired of marching?
15:48Well, follow me.
15:50Well, every day you want to go and hit it, you hit it with all of your power.
15:55Well, come on, man.
15:56Let's go and march into the shower.
15:59Because the first time I said it, it's not a sequel.
16:04In the shower, all men are created equal.
16:08Oh, if you've seen the things I've seen, Lord knows that you want to be a Marine.
16:13Goodness, gosh, don't lose your hope.
16:15But, oh, let's hit up, don't lose your soul.
16:18Oh, everybody, let's go.
16:20Let's go to the shower.
16:22Let's go, go, go.
16:23Let's go to the shower.
16:26Let's hit up, so let's go to the shower.
16:29Yeah.
16:33Oh, that brings back some incredible prenatal memories.
16:44Oh, wait.
16:45That's good enough.
16:48You know, one of my favorite stories of the past year was the comeback of one of my favorite artists, Santana.
17:03And one of my favorite Santana Marine hits, of course, is Invading Peru for the hell of it.
17:09Now here we are.
17:23You see that we've got a strong military force.
17:27But we're really bored.
17:29We don't know what to do.
17:30Guess what, Peru?
17:32We're invading you.
17:34There she is.
17:36It's a country, South America.
17:39And I think I want to get inside.
17:42Her borders get from people orders.
17:45Why I am?
17:46Because I'm Uncle Sam.
17:48I think I want to invade Peru.
17:50I think that's what I want to do.
17:54I'll get the whole Marine Corps.
17:58And then I'll make them scream for more Invade Peru.
18:01I'll come on in and then I'll just grab my gun.
18:04And I can light stuff because it is fun.
18:07What does a man want to do?
18:11It's sexy to invade Peru.
18:13The rest of us are going to do a little game for you called Film Dubs.
18:36What happens is Kathy and I are going to pretend to speak in a foreign language.
18:39And you guys are going to interpret for us.
18:40I want you to take your places.
18:41And what we need from the audience is a foreign language.
18:44You want to hear us?
18:46Russian.
18:47Russian it is.
18:48Okay, Russian.
18:49And if you were a Russian action film director, what was the name of your Russian action film B?
18:53Dad in the Gulag.
18:55Dad in the Gulag.
18:56Dad in the Gulag.
18:57Dad in the Gulag.
18:58Dad in the Gulag.
18:58Dad in the Gulag.
19:00And you guys will interpret for us.
19:03You must be a woman because you have more hair than I do.
19:11I am a woman and I'm sick.
19:18I've got a bad Baryshnikov.
19:24Let me just give you a slight adjustment.
19:27Tap, tap, tap.
19:28What's wrong?
19:28You wouldn't understand.
19:41I shall put on my tights and do the dance of love.
19:50I'm a little teapot.
20:11Short and stout.
20:13Would you like some finger sandwiches?
20:38Bushka, I don't know.
20:41Bushka, I don't know.
20:41Bushka, I don't know.
20:42Bushka, I don't know.
20:42Bushka, I don't know.
20:43Already these tights are like a thong on me.
20:48We'll be right back with more Bushka.
20:55Welcome back to He's Lininger Anyway.
20:56Tonight, we're going to have Kathy Greenwood read the credits.
20:59And we're going to read the credits as one of the bartenders from Coyote Ugly while these
21:03guys try to impress you.
21:05So whenever you're ready, take it away.
21:08Dan Patterson.
21:10Drew Carey.
21:11Look at this.
21:18Ryan South, Colin Walker, Ray Brady and Pete.
21:26Alex is back.
21:27Coming up.
21:27Let's go to the good way.
21:29Oh, yeah.
21:34All right.