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00:00Piano music
00:30could I be of any assistance sir no thank you would you be visiting someone
00:52sir yes yes I would that's correct friend is it indeed it is and what sort of friend would
01:00that be sir born 1948 weighs 15 and a half stone and has a small mole on his left buttock I see
01:09sir eighth floor flat 8f I know thank you but he's out out 17 minutes ago did he say where
01:22private lives of the residents is none of my concern sir yes well he's due back any minute
01:28I'm afraid that's not allowed sir what's not allowed waiting sir waiting in an area other
01:36than the vestibule perhaps if I left my watch with you and a silver frame photograph of my
01:42dear mother I'm not empowered to accept property from persons not known to me I am sorry how do
01:50you react to the side of people sitting down not too traumatic is it I'm only doing my job sir
01:56though I would be obliged if you would place your belongings in a less central area of the vestibule
02:02to improve access facilities the residents here are not used to obstacles oh come out in a rash if
02:13they see people without ties will they they do pay a service charge sir oh I see and you lose your job
02:20if I fart when they go past you are not in your queue for a bit at the Salvation Army now I think it
02:28might be more appropriate if you waited outside rather than in this exclusive pre-war knocking shop
02:34out I beg your pardon out Percy hello Paul hello old son how are you doing afternoon Desmond good
02:45afternoon mr. England you're looking very fit if I may say so exercise Desmond though if I could
02:50kind of find a figure of a man as you at your age I'll be well pleased thank you sir glad to see
02:55you two have met my oldest friend mr. Shelley our most valuable resident mr. Bridges oils all the
03:01wheels of life here he does as you'll soon find out if you're moving in am I right Desmond oh yes
03:06oh yes sir I was just explaining to your friend the finer points of the regulations hmm things like
03:14the quickest exit route in the event of civil disturbance oh good good we went to school
03:22school together oh nice milk I was out of milk yes well if you gentlemen will excuse me right better be
03:33taking you up to the eagles nest good idea the sooner I get de loused the better
03:52well what's all this about Fran giving you the old hevo then that's what I like about you Paul the
04:02subtlety of your approach the delicacy of your phrasing your transparent sensitivity to the trauma of
04:09others another bloke is it no it is not another bloke sorry just asking sorry it's just the sudden
04:20disintegration of one's entire world can make one a little ratty you know yeah sure so the sex side
04:28was okay then look can we wait until we get out of the lift then we can sort out my marriage from day
04:34one rerun the juicy bits and allocate the blame all right he may oil the wheels of life your over
04:45lointen and Desmond downstairs but what does he put on the wheels of lifts superglue oh that was all
04:51cobblers that bloke's about as indispensable as a eunuch in a stud farm but it's best never to fall
04:58foul of him oh so I like to put a bit of Vaseline on his ego keep him happy you know yeah so
05:04it's trouble I've always been a believer in a bit of diplomacy you never said the lift only went to
05:21the fifth floor yeah defeated by gravity I think Eagles nest eh no wonder they're nearly extinct
05:32shagged out by the stairs coffee how long will it take to boil at this altitude
05:39so this is what you always meant by your penthouse pure a tear to wit one grotty garret useful to
05:49starve artists in you gotta admit though it's a bit classy I mean when did you last see a modern tower
05:55block with sloping walls when they arrested the builders come on purse you like it up here it's
06:01nice and quiet yes I shouldn't think you do get many visitors apart from spider-man perhaps I should
06:09add that this sour curmudgeonly ingratitude is just my idiosyncratic way of saying thanks mate thanks very
06:17much yeah well you're doing me a favor but I'll be gone for the best part of a year I need someone to
06:22keep squatters out you know derelicts bums alcoes people like you well well well the rich tapestry of
06:32life really has come full circle this is how I began pokey bedsit graduated to member of the property
06:40owning classes and back again only this time all I got is a suitcase in your bedsit and the suitcases
06:46friends rise and fall eh what they call social mobility under capitalism for every jammy bastard
06:53goes up this some poor sod comes down thank you for those sensitive words Paul got the proportions a
06:59bit out though it's one jammy bastard for every 10,000 poor sods I always was the radical yeah sugar
07:08anyway should suit you this place and it's free yes why is this am I supposed to look after some
07:18pet anaconda or something no no it's a family heirloom used to belong to my uncle but he doesn't use it
07:25so much now he's dead oxygen starvation was it yeah and it's not a pokey bedsit I think of it more as a
07:35bachelor pad it's got a bedroom oh great extramarital nookie just what I had in mind please yourself you can
07:46sit up here on your own and become Britain's first high-rise monk if that's what turns you on
07:50I'd fail the vow of silence and BD cassette oh god knows who I've got to talk to now
07:57do you want to tell me about it oh yes dear Marge yes please
08:08you mean you want to hear about it no no nobody's just well I feel a bit responsible you know having
08:16been your best man and all that yes well I suppose the marriage first really started to go wrong
08:23after the way you read the telegrams out at the reception my friend and I had our first row about
08:28you groping the bridesmaids now if I'm honest I've only got myself to blame 34 years of misspent you
08:37feel a bit like the prodigal son who's sown his seed reap the harvest and now has to lie on the bed
08:43he's made is that old or New Testament book of retribution did you know her father had to bail us
08:50out not jail debt you mean debt oh not singular plural multitudinous when debts come they come
08:59not as single IOUs but as entire collection agencies along with big men in white coats wanting to put your
09:07house on the back of a lorry you know carrying clipboards and working out the second-hand value
09:11of used babies bloody hell sounds like Kathy come home all over again that was a great play did you
09:20ever see it Percy but I mean to get in such a mess you must have worked overtime at staying out of work
09:26oh I did habit I am a cautionary tale of our times well conservatives are serializing my life story for
09:33party political broadcasts the bills got so bad I began to feel like a small-scale model of British Leyland
09:40oh it is quite well appointed this flat got good facilities for suicide
09:48you should have asked purse I could have rustled up some money you know special charity appeal for
09:56those of financially unsound mind no my trouble was I came to believe I really was the Houdini of the
10:03social security circuit you know for every crisis in life a claim form there unto besides I felt if
10:11Freddie Laker could go bust and still run a big yacht and at least I could go bust and still run a house
10:16first law of bankruptcy purse the bigger the ghoul you drop the safer you are anyway by the end we
10:22had about as many mod cons in our house as a bomb site we were so busy having people disconnect things
10:28the authorities had to book months in advance and Fran blames you well I was on the short list it was me
10:36or Emma and seeing she's not out of kindergarten you've done bloody well though considering I mean when
10:44you first started off as a layabout none of us gave you more than a year well where are they now
10:50Fran and Emma oh still at home still camping out at forward base but under new management that of my
10:57beloved father-in-law I think the separation gave me more pleasure than the wedding yeah I was always
11:04half expecting him to slip me a few quid to lose the ring hmm I was always half expecting you to take it
11:09if he had his way the Telegraph would run an announcements column headed broken marriages
11:15and he'd have a special one in saying Francis Shelley's father is pleased to announce that she
11:21has finally got shot of her idle little shit of her husband James trouble is though you'd never get him
11:27under the trades description act I know I have been a shit and I do want to make amends
11:33France says I should apply for a self-improvement grant no chance you'd have to be demolished and
11:42started again from scratch oh come on old son built in time soon it's ages since I've seen you
11:50let's go out and celebrate uh have a drink what with money you mean I'll stake you the price of a
11:59couple of pints 15% compound interest be all right I'll have a word with my brokers you do
12:07look a bit rough though I must say oh would you like me to walk two paces behind you no no purse of
12:13course not but I don't care what people say about you all I'm saying is you've seen better days yes
12:20well it's sleeping under bridges does it ruins the complexion you've not been oh of course I
12:26haven't for heaven's sake just I left home a few days ago and the uh occupying forces have got my
12:34razor blades right well I can see to that for you no trouble it's only stubble not leprosy okay I was
12:40only thinking for your sake you know best way of presenting a good image to the world I could go in
12:44and out in a mailbag sorry sorry well I wouldn't want you to be ashamed of me I have to pass me
12:51off as part of some rehabilitation program you're running for derelicts purse I am not ashamed of
12:56you not at all you look fine fine right good that's understood there there's one thing puzzles me
13:05you know what what did you mean about getting de loused
13:35yes sir oh good evening Desmond good evening mr. England you just off feel constitutional uh I am as a
13:49matter of fact yes um have you got a moment are you off duty off duty sir a head porter is never off
13:56duty alas anything could transpire fire flood bomb outrage earthquake one has to be in a state of
14:04constant readiness in this profession just like the emergency services in fact exactly that's the
14:10challenge of the job though never knowing yes quite um I believe there was a slight contretemps
14:17earlier with my colleague I wouldn't say that sir just a misunderstanding you thought he was a tramp
14:23it takes all sorts um yes well as he'll be taking over the pierre tear in my absence I thought I should
14:30clear matters up and apologize to you of course oh there's no need sir I am trained to deal with
14:39misunderstandings yes well you see the point is he's just lost a loved one oh car crash I thought as
14:51much 27 years ahead Porter you get a nose for this sort of thing Alfa Romeo actually oh really yes and
15:00naturally he's been a little distraught oh say no more so I understand completely death can be a very
15:06nasty thing you rely on me good man this job's all about public relations uh discretion you did say that
15:15you were he was a colleague sir have you worked together uh no I'm in the um private sector he's
15:23paid by the government that makes 13 civil servants 13 civil servants in the block seven lawyers six
15:31businessmen four accountants two teachers and an admiral retired unfortunately but there's not many
15:36blocks in this area can compete with that no well it's a very impressive tribute to you mr bridges well I
15:41must I expect he's got professional qualifications oh yes a degree and a PhD really then got one of
15:49those did have a DSO once but his son was convicted for forgery oh no mr. Shelley is highly respectable
15:59good evening mr. Shelley good evening you have a nice evening out mr. Shelley yes yes I will um
16:11Desmond and you take good care of yourself well we'd better be off don't want to miss the opening
16:17concerto good night Desmond good night gentlemen enjoy yourselves exactly your neck of the woods is it
16:30you were always the 18 pints of wallop and throw up over the sawdust type of drinker
16:35I mean normally by now we'd have sunk one pint and had another half poured over our
16:39marriage by some drunken Billy Connolly look-alike my treat purse thought it'd do you good get away
16:46from your soup run down the embankment that an example of your sophisticated PR approach you gave
16:52the porter head porter bit of respect please doesn't seem your usual wine bar though summer not like I read
16:59about in Vogue no it's not it's a singles bar why have we come to a singles bar Paul well we're both
17:11single I mean I am and you're well not technically yet it's been three days recovering from a broken
17:19marriage usually takes an entire week Paul I mean what's the matter you're worried I'll there suffer
17:26from sexual withdrawal symptoms I just 72 hours without my underwear and I have to go on a
17:32retraining course I just thought it would take your mind off things I'm with him
17:45you know like when you crash a car best thing is to get straight into another one
17:49I'll pass on that one thank you I'm sorry relationships have never really
17:55been my strong point no no ever since at the age of 12 you nailed a pair of Jill Buckingham's
18:02knickers onto your desk and shouted twice I did it twice I have noticed a certain lack of
18:09sophistication in your approach gets results though inevitably it's a sexual equivalent of saturation
18:15bombing your libido's about as discriminating as an artificial insemination factory well I can't help it
18:23my father was highly sex so I simply inherited overzealous corpuscles I'm just a victim of
18:29genetics we've been a horny family for five generations yes but time goes by the years of
18:36frog marching us on your oats can't still be wild can they I mean don't you ever fancy a bit of
18:43domestic bliss don't you think they'll come a time when you'll want to hang up your loins
18:51no I'm not the settling down type besides I enjoy always waking up in different beds
18:57meeting new people saves on the sheets if nothing else yes but leaving aside your incurable romantic
19:04streak about bed linen don't you ever worry about getting old getting lonely on your own unloved
19:11oh come on what happened to the old non-conformist purse of yesteryear well-known urinator on
19:18convention the only geography student to wear odd socks well I mean what actually the free
19:25thinking free loving free wheeling free spirit all went up in price
19:29I suppose I might marry one day if someone held a baby to me head
19:38loaded and about to go off but you I mean you were always going to die unblemished by matrimony
19:45what did you write on walls in those days matrimony is the state control of private parts yeah
19:51and even the spelling was unorthodox no I never thought you'd marry not so long as it was legal
19:57I did wait till he was unfashionable though and had a pregnant bride well admittedly to be really
20:03radical one would have to give birth during the service so you're still in love with Fran then
20:14that took two minutes 30 seconds it's like athletics each generation gets faster than the last
20:21you got it right paul like a blind earthworm struggling tirelessly towards the light you got
20:30it right over these last few days have come to realize there are only two things i've always wanted
20:36out of life perfect idleness and Fran oh and razor blades but unfortunately perfect idleness and Fran don't
20:45come as a matching set you can't have your wedding cake and eat it eh anyway so after all these years
20:51of uh sitting on hedges fencing my bets i decided to bite on the short straw to choose between a career
20:58as britain's senior layabout and the 1983 husband of the year award well Fran by a whisker
21:06as of tonight as of now i am going to turn over a new leaf and try and win her back recapture the
21:14family castle and all its bare boards oh so we're gonna see a shelly mark too are we indeed you are
21:20like a tadpole into a frog and a maggot into a fly so a parasite into a respectable citizen
21:28even if to pupate i have to roll about in a dung heap you'd never get past the porter suburban
21:34metamorphosis that's the answer faint heart on social security never one fair lady steady job
21:42nine to five perhaps even 5 30. by the time i'm 40 a desk with two maybe two and a half telephones
21:50on it i shall be incrementally linked and life insurance to come into effect when i have my coronary
21:57at 55. well what do you think well the last monster created by a shelly was frankenstein
22:05this one sounds even worse and personal wealth do you want to hear my plans about personal wealth
22:11oh all right go on you couldn't get another bottle first could you i uh seem to have left my money in
22:17my father-in-law's trousers anyway my whole life as it were flashed before my eyes yeah well when one's
22:31done as little as you have it's bound not to take long going by so i decided like the government i shall
22:38run britain's first monetarist family if we don't make a big profit in the first year then all unproductive
22:45labor like little emma will be given their cards and thrown out thrown out where on the scrappy
22:51like everybody else i'm going to run a tight ship keep things above water in the black well at least
22:59the rent's a big zero even you should find it hard to bounce a check made out to nothing
23:05i think i take exception to that remark i am not a bum beg your pardon i forgot you have been
23:11metamorphosed for nearly three hours correct you are a better human being i am an ex bum i am a re
23:20rehabilitating bum with a new leaf i am the sort of person you would like your daughter to marry
23:27i don't have a daughter as from tomorrow i shall wear matching socks with matching vowels
23:33i am a respectable person i am a phd in bar i am a person of consequence i am a porter's delight
23:53i am a person of consequence i am a person of consequence i am a person of consequence i am a person of consequence
24:10oh bugger i smashed the mets
24:23the