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00:00.
00:30I still don't understand why she took all her clothes off in that tube train.
00:43Don't ask me.
00:45I mean, OK, it was the highlight of the evening, but why?
00:49I can never find that light switch.
00:51I mean, suddenly she's sitting there and then...
00:53God, look at this room.
00:55My fault. Sorry.
00:57No, it's not your fault. It's mine.
00:59I'm the untidy one, not you.
01:01I'll clear it up tomorrow.
01:02I'm the untidy one? We know this.
01:05Well, OK, I won't fight you for the title.
01:07But why pretend you are?
01:09Well, I feel a bit sorry for you, you know.
01:11I mean, you are about as big as a blue whale with a thyroid problem.
01:15Fair dues, you're being very brave about it.
01:18I think I need to sit down.
01:19Yeah, well, don't rush into these things. Think about getting up again.
01:23No, you are. I'm very impressed.
01:25I do nothing but moan and witter on about it.
01:28Well, number one, you don't.
01:29Number two, you've got plenty to moan about.
01:31And number three, you should hear me when I'm pregnant.
01:34I just can't fathom it. It's on a tube.
01:37From what I could gather, she doesn't even know that guy she's with.
01:40And with no warning, she completely doffs her clobber.
01:42It was the most boring play I've ever seen.
01:45And it was so uncomfortable in there.
01:47I just don't know how you stuck it.
01:49And he didn't take his clothes off, so as far as you're concerned,
01:51the evening was a complete write-off.
01:54What was the significance of that nun?
01:56The one in the miniskirt?
01:58Yeah.
01:59I think she was death.
02:01Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
02:03Death was that guy up to his neck in rubble.
02:06Are you sure?
02:07Well, how can you be sure?
02:08I mean, it was a load of abstruse, self-indulgent drivel.
02:12No, wait, be sure.
02:13But what I say is, if you're cast in death
02:16and the options are a nun in a miniskirt
02:18and a guy up to his neck in rubble,
02:19you go for rubble head every time.
02:22No, that is one playwright that's got nothing to offer.
02:25It's an absolute load of shit.
02:26Don't use bad language, please.
02:29Well, he didn't use anything else.
02:31Well, that's different.
02:32That was on a public stage.
02:34No need to use bad language in real life.
02:37Oh.
02:38What?
02:39My back.
02:40It's all right.
02:41You'll be having it out soon, love.
02:43It can't be soon enough.
02:46How can I possibly be this big?
02:47It is impressive.
02:50Oh, look.
02:51Old Mrs Ratcliffe's pyjamas.
02:54Why'd she give you those?
02:55Well, you remember I was running round Mrs H's
02:57in the dead of night in my Y-fronts.
02:59I was going to rape her at the very least.
03:01She thinks everyone's a rapist.
03:03She doesn't.
03:03She thinks you're a tart.
03:06She thinks Mrs H is a murderess.
03:08I liked her.
03:10Oh, so did I.
03:11She's smashing.
03:12Easily the most beguiling sadistic lunatic I've ever met.
03:16What a house.
03:17Night I got these pyjamas,
03:19Mrs Ratcliffe told me that Mrs H had murdered her husband.
03:22Mrs H called me a lunatic,
03:24and Miss Landis upstairs tried to kill herself.
03:26Happy days.
03:27Quiet, this house, isn't it?
03:35Emma will change all that.
03:36Yeah, that's what made me think of it.
03:39Friday tomorrow.
03:40I'll do the house this weekend.
03:42I can't take all this consideration.
03:44Don't worry.
03:44I'll be back to normal as soon as you've added out.
03:48Two weeks from now, we'll be three.
03:51Hmm.
03:51Our lives will never quite be the same again.
03:55Suppose not.
03:57I don't know.
03:59It's cosmic.
04:00That's what it is.
04:01Cosmic.
04:02Yeah.
04:03Talking of cosmic significance,
04:05I've just worked out why that girl took all her clothes off.
04:08Yeah?
04:08Yeah.
04:09So they could sell more theatre tickets.
04:21Fran?
04:24Fran?
04:25Hello?
04:31Damn.
04:34Fran?
04:39Oh, hello, Mrs. Ratcliffe.
05:01How are you?
05:02It's James Shelley here.
05:03Is Mrs. H there at all?
05:06Mrs. Hawkins, the landlady.
05:09The lady you pay rent to every week.
05:12Well, I really don't think she murdered all those people.
05:18Well, even if she did chop up a few children,
05:20could I have a word with her, please?
05:21It's important.
05:23Well, I want to get in touch with my wife urgently.
05:27Mrs. H is not my wife.
05:28No, my wife's...
05:30That's right.
05:31The nasty little whore from upstairs.
05:34No, no, no.
05:35Not that nasty little...
05:36Look, it's Shelley, James Shelley.
05:38I'm the one that's got your husband's pyjamas.
05:42I know he doesn't want them back.
05:44He died ten years ago.
05:47Well, I didn't know he was a duke.
05:49No.
05:49How nice for you.
05:51Yes, they're very warm.
05:52I wear them every night.
05:53I'm most grateful.
05:54Please, could you get Mrs. Hawkins?
05:56Oh, well, nothing special.
06:00Did a spot of grave robbing the other day.
06:02Burnt down an orphanage last week, you know.
06:05Actually, it's a poison, and I want to talk to Mrs. H about,
06:08so please, could...
06:10Hello?
06:12Hello?
06:13Hello?
06:15Oh, hello, Miss Landis.
06:16Look, it's Shelley here.
06:17Isn't Mrs. H there at all?
06:20She isn't.
06:21Okay, thanks.
06:22Look, well, I'd better get off this phone.
06:24You okay these days?
06:25Not, um, try to, um...
06:27I mean, you're a bit happier about things.
06:30Good, good.
06:31Well, uh, well, take care.
06:32I must go now.
06:33Bye.
06:33Bye.
06:33Hello?
06:42Fran, you all right?
06:44Where are you?
06:45Weren't you here?
06:47Oh, my God, when did they break?
06:52Are you all right?
06:54I mean, does it hurt?
06:54Have they given you something for the pain?
06:56Is Mrs. H with you at all?
06:57I mean, why didn't you phone?
06:59I am not panicking.
07:01Well, no, no, I've got a few things I'd like to tie up here.
07:07You know, there's a film on the telly I'd like to see.
07:10Perhaps you could give me a call later on, tell me which sort it is,
07:13and I'll look in later on in the week.
07:15You know, if I'm over that one.
07:18Well, don't tell me not to panic, then.
07:20And panic if I want to, and I do.
07:22In a crisis, I'm happiest panicking.
07:25You want to stay calm, that's terrific.
07:28Well, of course I'm coming.
07:30I'd be there now if you weren't keeping me chatting on the phone.
07:33I'm looking forward to it.
07:35Pacing up and down all night, outside the rubber swing doors, chain smoking.
07:39Waited all my life for this.
07:42You said you didn't want me to.
07:44Of course I do.
07:46How can I help?
07:48What, with all those guys with their dressing gowns on backwards?
07:51Well, look, um, if it's not panicking too much for you,
07:56I'd quite like to hang up now and come over.
07:58I promise I'll ask the taxi driver to drive slowly and carefully.
08:02And choose the prettiest route.
08:04Yeah, OK, love, anything you want me to bring?
08:07No, OK.
08:08Yeah, well, take care.
08:09I'll see you soon.
08:10Bye.
08:10Oh, this is it.
08:19You haven't got to stay all the time, you know.
08:22I want to.
08:23The nurse said you shouldn't be left.
08:25Why?
08:26I won't try and escape, honest.
08:29Where's the midwife?
08:31She just popped out for a quick read.
08:33What?
08:34I saw on the way in.
08:35It's called Teach Yourself Basic Midwifery.
08:38She's having trouble with the first chapter.
08:41Well, where's the nurse, then?
08:42How should I know?
08:43Look, don't worry, I'm here.
08:45There's nothing to delivering babies.
08:47Taxi drivers do it all the time.
08:49She's not a nurse, anyway.
08:51She's a pupil midwife.
08:53How do you know?
08:53I asked her.
08:54I've had the whole team screened.
08:56None of them have ever been communist sympathisers
08:58or declared bankrupt.
09:00I might need her.
09:02You won't.
09:03I'll get her if you do.
09:04You're all right.
09:05You're in the quiet phase.
09:07Not for much longer.
09:08I wish you didn't know so much about it.
09:10I wish you did.
09:12I don't even like thinking about it.
09:14Yes, well, if you could work up a bit of interest
09:17in the next half hour or so, so much the better.
09:20It's those drawings, get me.
09:22Ah, well.
09:23I think there's a basic design fault.
09:26Tell me more.
09:28Well, it has to do with relative sizes.
09:31Yes, I think I catch your drift.
09:32There are basically two things involved.
09:35If one could be a bit smaller and the other one a lot larger.
09:40Have you come up with an alternative design at all?
09:46Oh, yeah.
09:47Uh-huh.
09:47What's that?
09:48I call it a door.
09:51Sounds good to me.
09:52At the right moment, you just open it and lift Junior up.
09:55That's it.
09:57Where would it be, exactly, this door?
09:59Front of the abdomen.
10:01See, I just don't see why it has to come out the way it came in, so to speak.
10:09Strikes me that's just trying to be clever.
10:11Hmm, it's just, um...
10:14What?
10:15Well, it's not biological, is it?
10:17A door?
10:19A pair of two-inch brass extruded hinges and a nylon ball cap?
10:24I mean, it's just not biological.
10:27It'd be like an eyelid.
10:29Eh?
10:29Like a great big eyelid.
10:35You've really gone into this, haven't you?
10:37My mind has recently been most wonderfully concentrated on the mechanics of baby expulsion.
10:42Yeah.
10:44Be a bit soft.
10:46I mean, a bit vulnerable, this eyelid forming the front of your abdomen.
10:50It's got ribs.
10:51Has it?
10:51Oh, I see.
10:53How does it open, then?
10:54Well, it's like those awnings you have over shop windows.
10:56You know, ribs going across.
11:00Yes, very good.
11:01Very clever.
11:02Hmm.
11:03Um, what seals this door?
11:05I mean, for the time when you're not lifting babies out.
11:08Ah.
11:08Well, I will admit there's still a certain amount of work to be done there.
11:11Before we can market a prototype?
11:13Yeah.
11:14But it shouldn't be insurmountable.
11:15Oh, no.
11:17Uh, you haven't, um...
11:19You haven't discussed this with the, uh, design department at all?
11:23Not to my knowledge.
11:24Oh.
11:26The other scheme I've got is the best one, though.
11:28What's that?
11:28Men have the babies.
11:30Oh, I can see the appeal of that, from your point of view.
11:33God, I wish I was in a paddy field.
11:36Yes, I gather that is where the least problematic births take place.
11:40I definitely get the impression this is likely to be a less than dignified process.
11:43You should worry.
11:45Look at this hat I've got to wear.
11:47Why have I got to wear this?
11:52How many babies do you know died of dandruff poisoning?
11:55This whole thing is a conspiracy to make you and me look like a couple of burks?
12:01I mean, we're about to meet our daughter for the first time.
12:05We should look our best.
12:06Oh, shut up, Shelley.
12:08What?
12:09What's the matter?
12:11Everything all right, Mrs Shelley?
12:12I think this is it.
12:14They've started.
12:15It's the second phase.
12:16You would like to sit.
12:17Just sit up a bit, Mrs Shelley.
12:19Oh, please call me Fran.
12:20I'm really not dressed for Mrs Shelley.
12:22All right, love.
12:23Comfortable like that?
12:24Oh, yeah.
12:24Terrific.
12:25You're nervous, Mr Shelley.
12:27Oh, James.
12:27Well, just a little, you know.
12:29Don't worry, love.
12:30I'm here.
12:32This is definitely more cosmic than a nun in a miniskirt.
12:36Well, as the earwig said...
12:38When he fell off the wall.
12:39Here we go.
12:40Here we go.
12:55So, how did I do?
12:59You did ace, kid.
13:01Yeah?
13:01Listen, I couldn't have done better myself.
13:03Get away.
13:05OK, how does this sound?
13:06Attractive little girl, newborn, lovely markings, cheap to good home, box number...
13:12Is she all right?
13:13Of course she's all right.
13:14What can happen to her?
13:16She's asleep, sleeping off lunch.
13:18I must say, the way she popped out and instantly demanded food shows less than good breeding.
13:23Well, at least she had the grace to pop out headfirst, swiftly and without fuss.
13:28Don't knock it.
13:29From my viewpoint, she's stacked up a lot of good marks already.
13:33How do you feel now?
13:34What do you fancy?
13:35Game of squash?
13:36Disco dancing contest?
13:39Tired, eh?
13:40I couldn't punch a space invader's button right now.
13:44However, there is one thing I can postpone no longer.
13:52See you in a minute.
13:53Where are you going?
13:55Where do you think I'm going?
13:56You can't just pop off to the loo like that.
13:59Why not?
14:00Well, you've just given birth.
14:02So?
14:03If I was in a paddy field...
14:04I'm coming with you.
14:05Shelley, you just stayed with me while I gave birth.
14:09That should be enough for you.
14:11There are some things I'd like to do on my own.
14:14Just make sure the baby doesn't get away.
14:16Hi, Emma.
14:27I'm glad of this chance for a quiet word
14:29because there's one or two things I want to get cleared up right away.
14:32First, and most importantly, you are not here to enjoy yourself.
14:37Just thought I'd be the first to tell you that.
14:39Secondly, and I'm very sorry to have to tell you this,
14:42but things are very far from Ujah Cum Spiff out here just at the minute.
14:46Half the country's unemployed.
14:48There's a constant threat of nuclear war.
14:51There's famine in Somalia, VAT at 15% and dry rot under our stairs.
14:56There's no doubt about it.
14:58You were definitely better off where you were.
15:00You're quite recovered now then, Mr Shelley.
15:02Ah, yes.
15:03Yes, I was just having a quiet word with my daughter, you know.
15:07So I heard.
15:09Yes.
15:10You're very fortunate, you know.
15:12It's not always they're born with such a highly developed power of understanding.
15:15Many of them have trouble with coochie, coochie, coo.
15:20Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better now.
15:24I see you've sent your wife back to work.
15:29Also, the world is full of smart Alice's like that.
15:33You all right, love?
15:34Oh.
15:35Hey, you're still big, you know.
15:37Oh, sorry about that.
15:39Perhaps there's another one in there no one's noticed.
15:41Oh.
15:41I've, um...
15:46I've explained the situation to her, by the way.
15:49What situation?
15:50Well, you know, the meaning of life and so on.
15:52Oh, that.
15:53How'd you take it?
15:54Surprisingly well.
15:56Mind you, I haven't mentioned schools yet.
15:58Don't go on about schools.
16:00Wouldn't dream of it.
16:01Hey, it's a good thing Mrs H was with you.
16:04Oh, she was wonderful, Shelley.
16:06Let's get her a present.
16:07OK.
16:07What, for instance?
16:08Something to wear would be nice.
16:10A pink and yellow nylon twin set.
16:12A Guernsey sweater.
16:13She wouldn't want a Guernsey sweater.
16:15Her taste is different from ours, Fran.
16:18Have you seen that new blue satin gown she's sent away for?
16:20No.
16:21She told me about it.
16:22She looks slightly more overdressed than the Queen did at her coronation.
16:26Well...
16:27Oh, I know, I know.
16:28She likes it.
16:29It is fun to dress up, I know.
16:31It's just...
16:32I know.
16:33I mean, it's got a train.
16:34Don't talk cock.
16:36Well, looks as if it should have.
16:38Looks I'm finished without a tiara.
16:40Still, it does have the authentic sheen of genuine viscose.
16:44Anyway, just get us something.
16:46OK.
16:49You're going to phone now?
16:51Hmm?
16:52There's a lot of kin.
16:53Round the country.
16:54Breathless for news.
16:56Go and phone them, Shelley.
16:58Would you do it, love?
16:59I'm absolutely knackered.
17:03OK.
17:04She's very quiet.
17:10Your daughter?
17:11Yeah.
17:11I just shoved a pair of paddy pants on her head.
17:15She'll be OK till she eats her way out.
17:18You've been losing much sleep.
17:20Oh, God.
17:20And how.
17:21All that crying and screaming all night.
17:23And, of course, the baby makes a lot of noise as well.
17:25And, on top of that, dreadful thing, though, it is to say about one's own daughter, but
17:31in the personal hygiene stakes, she is an absolute no-no.
17:35Well, it's the first year's the worst.
17:37Oh, yeah?
17:37Well, say, 18 months.
17:39They're nice after that.
17:40You really enjoy them.
17:41And then, before you know where you are, they're off to school and you get a bit of peace.
17:44Don't mention schools, Mrs. H.
17:46Why?
17:48What's wrong with schools?
17:50Shelley doesn't approve of schools.
17:51I do.
17:52I'm all for them.
17:53You just shouldn't send kids there.
17:55That's all.
17:57I mean, it's a free country.
17:58I don't want to stop anyone having a school if they want one.
18:01Very useful to get all the teachers together so we know where they are.
18:04It's just the children I worry about.
18:06Schools are a bad influence on them.
18:08Oh, don't talk soft.
18:10They prepare you for life.
18:11Schools do.
18:12Oh, they do.
18:12In a very real sense.
18:14They give you hope for the future.
18:15After school, everything's an improvement.
18:18Anyway, by the time Emma's five, they'll have abolished schools altogether as part of the
18:22educational cuts.
18:25That is, assuming they haven't dropped the bomb by then.
18:27Oh, well, you are happy, little soul, aren't you?
18:30Well, it's a race between recession and the Russians, isn't it?
18:34I mean, Hitler used to bomb our industrial centres.
18:36I gather that the Ruskies are working on a bomb that homes in on a dole office.
18:42Strikes me, life's a bit ropey at present.
18:46Talking of life.
18:48Yes?
18:49Me and Willie went to see that play last night.
18:54What?
18:55Eh?
18:55Footsteps.
18:58The one at the Fox and Goose.
18:59The one you said.
19:01Erm.
19:02Oh.
19:04Funny place, isn't it?
19:05The theatre.
19:07Call that a theatre, do they?
19:09Oh, yes.
19:10Everything painted black.
19:11Boxers to sit on.
19:12No room to swing a cat.
19:13That's a theatre, is it?
19:15Well, it's a fringe theatre.
19:17Well, I mean, we got dressed.
19:19Willie and me.
19:20Dressed?
19:24Well, you do, don't you?
19:25To go to the theatre.
19:27Well, I mean, I do.
19:29Now, some of them there look like road sweepers.
19:32I wore that nice blue satin look viscose dress I got from the club.
19:37With my white shawl and my evening bag.
19:41What do you think of the play, Mrs. H?
19:48You call that a play, do you?
19:50Well, I suppose so, yes.
19:51I've never seen a nun dressed like that.
19:54She was death, Mrs. H.
19:56You can say that again.
19:57Death was rubble, Ed.
19:58Why did that girl take all her clothes off?
20:03Now you strike at the central enigma of the piece, Mrs. H.
20:06Well, it's ridiculous.
20:07Just sitting in a tube train.
20:09And it didn't look a bit like a tube train.
20:11The scenery was terrible.
20:12And suddenly she undresses.
20:14I didn't know where to look.
20:18What did Willie think of it?
20:20Oh, he knew where to look, all right.
20:24Specky's bought himself a season ticket.
20:26Well, I shan't be going there again.
20:30Oh, I've got another bone to pick with you and all.
20:33What's that?
20:34Why did you tell Mrs. Ratcliffe we're planning a poisoning?
20:39Eh?
20:39I mean, she doesn't need any encouragement.
20:42She's been giving me recipes every day.
20:45She spent all last Sunday in the garden looking for deadly nightshade.
20:49Oh, she's a trial, that woman.
20:51And then you go egging her on.
20:53I'm sorry, Mrs. H.
20:53I was anxious to get in touch with you.
20:55I dare say I panicked a bit.
20:57Is she well, Mrs. Ratcliffe?
20:59Oh, she's well, all right.
21:01She's now decided her husband was related to the Duke of Windsor.
21:05He started out as a carpenter when she first moved in.
21:08He'll be king of England before she dies.
21:11She's a lovely lady, though, isn't she?
21:13You should hear what she calls you.
21:15I have, many times.
21:17By the way, did you murder your first husband, Mrs. H.?
21:20Shut up.
21:22Well, I'll best be going.
21:24Nice to see you.
21:25I think your daughter's lovely.
21:27Thank you, Mrs. H.
21:28I'll see you out.
21:29Good night, then.
21:30Good night, Mrs. H.
21:31And thanks for everything.
21:33Oh, you're very welcome.
21:35Yes.
21:36Goodbye now.
21:37Bye.
21:38Bye.
21:38Who's a pretty girl, then, eh?
21:47Certainly not you, spitface.
21:51Well, so far, so good, eh?
21:54That's not a bad idea just at the minute, is it?
21:56Bags of kip, nosh on demand.
21:59Come to think of it, that's the lifestyle I've been after all my life.
22:02Fancy Mrs. H. seeing that play.
22:09I can't bear to think about it.
22:11Dressed like Princess Margaret.
22:12I'm moving that light switch.
22:15God, look at this mess.
22:17I'll just put these things away.
22:18God, you're untidy.
22:20Who brought you up?
22:21Harold Steptoe?
22:22It's only a few clothes.
22:24A few clothes?
22:25It's like sleeping in an Oxfam shop.
22:27No, no, leave it now.
22:29How do you feel tonight?
22:32I did feel pretty good.
22:34What did you think about having the baby in hospital?
22:37What?
22:38I mean, the whole idea.
22:40What are you getting at?
22:41I don't know.
22:41It just struck me it was all wrong, especially that delivery room.
22:45What about it?
22:46Well, you know, it struck me as unfriendly sort of place.
22:49You know, not natural.
22:50Like being born in the dentists.
22:53What do you think of it?
22:55Well, do you know, and I'm ashamed to say this,
22:57I was so selfishly taken up with myself giving birth,
23:00I didn't really notice.
23:01Oh, yeah.
23:02You're very good about all that.
23:03No screaming and yelling at all.
23:05Well, it's rather difficult yelling and screaming
23:07when you're holding your breath and bearing down hard.
23:09Yeah.
23:11Oh, no.
23:13No, no, no.
23:14Not again.
23:15Well, she's having a bottle.
23:16All right, all right.
23:17I know they're sore.
23:18I'm not saying...
23:18Well, you made me feel like...
23:19You made me feel like Lady Macbeth half the time.
23:24What?
23:25Just because I didn't drop her out while I was doing the hoovering,
23:28lick her all over and get on with the washing and ironing
23:30with her still suckling away at me.
23:33I mean, I'm quite thankful for the help of medical science.
23:36Be it Oster Milk or Trilene Gas.
23:38You want to try the whole process sometime,
23:40Mr. Let's-get-back-to-nature.
23:42I don't know what's the matter with me.
23:49How exactly do you fit those paddy pants on her head?
23:54Come on.
23:55I'll give her a bottle.
23:57Bed.
23:58You know what it is?
23:58You can't leave me now.
24:00No divorce, no separation because of the kid.
24:02You're chained to me.
24:03That's what's frightening you.
24:04It's enough to frighten anyone.
24:06Exactly.
24:07Come on, lie down so you can get your strength back
24:09so you'll be able to tidy this place up.
24:12We've got 18 months of this.
24:17I was assuming they haven't dropped the bomb by then.
24:20Poor the nation starves to death.
24:21Still, you know what I always say.
24:23What?
24:24You have to laugh.
24:24You have to laugh.
24:26You have to laugh.