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00:00Piano music
00:30Did all those arrive this morning?
00:37In a manner of speaking, you know my filing system.
00:40Any buff envelope, with or without a little window in it,
00:43must be placed behind the clock on the mantelpiece.
00:45Well, after the arrival of this bulky little number this morning,
00:49no matter how deftly and delicately I tried to slice it in
00:52between the final rates demand and the
00:54we'll be round in five days to sever your North Sea connection threat,
00:58but the clock was perilously close to teaching off the edge.
01:02I decided something positive had to be done.
01:05You are now filing them on the kitchen table because it is larger?
01:08No, I've just come to the conclusion the ostrich syndrome does not work for me.
01:12Time for drastic action.
01:14You've decided to burn them?
01:15To open them, friend.
01:17Been waiting for you so we could share the full horror of our situation together.
01:22We could even get Emma down,
01:24save terrifying her later in life with Grimm's fairy tales.
01:28Why are there three piles?
01:30This one's the first one they sent out in pale or dark blue.
01:33Although it's a demand for money,
01:35it's euphemistically referred to as the payment stop
01:37or just charges or statement.
01:40This pile, they're printed in red
01:42and are the final demand or final notice,
01:44unless it's the post office,
01:45who politely resort to reminder,
01:48but still printing in the same shade of final demand red.
01:51And the third?
01:53These are,
01:54if you've paid within the last few days, ignore this.
01:56If you haven't, you better,
01:57because we're about to get heavy and cut things off.
02:01Which shall we open first?
02:03Well, I think we should start with a real nasty,
02:05like the rates demand,
02:06and work our way down to something wet, like...
02:10The water bill.
02:11Exactly.
02:12Rates, rates, rates.
02:14Rates.
02:14Rates.
02:23Well?
02:24I'm going to have a scotch.
02:26Shelley, it's ten o'clock in the morning.
02:28You're right.
02:29I'll have a lager.
02:30Don't over-dramatise.
02:33Oh, my God!
02:34Lager?
02:35Scotch.
02:39When this is finished,
02:40we'll have to take up glue sniffing.
02:44What does this borough give us that's so different?
02:47Whacking great rape bills, for a start.
02:50Street cleaning.
02:51Huh!
02:52Refuse collecting.
02:53I think that should be pronounced refuse collecting.
02:56That is, unless you call shoe slip and my fiver
02:58and then carry it to the disposal van yourself.
03:02Police?
03:03There are more burglars in this area than...
03:05Street cleaners.
03:06Well, we can't pay this.
03:08We'll ring the town hall
03:09and say we don't require any of these amenities
03:11and we promise not to use them.
03:13Oh, well, we'll have to stay in a lot.
03:15It means we can't use the roads, bridges or highways.
03:18It's popping up the cemeteries I'll miss.
03:23What's that?
03:25Telephone.
03:27Em?
03:29Well, it's smaller than the rates, Bill.
03:31So is the deposit on a mini-metro,
03:32but it's still extortionate.
03:35By £20.
03:37What?
03:38It's all those wrong numbers we get.
03:39We should tell them.
03:40What about the ones we don't get at all?
03:43I dialed the Chinese takeaway the other night.
03:45All I got was a crackly silence.
03:46You can't get a crackly silence.
03:49All right, a silence that crackled occasionally.
03:52Now, I could have been easily hooked up
03:53to one of their telecommunications satellites,
03:56900 miles into outer space.
03:58Can you imagine the charges on that?
04:00Well, someone had to pay to have all their vans painted yellow.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03I don't believe it.
04:09Water, £35?
04:12How can you possibly use £35 worth of water?
04:15If there's one natural resource this country has an abundance of,
04:18it's water.
04:19It should be on the nation's coat of arms.
04:21Rain at first and then more rain later.
04:25We'll have to economise.
04:27On water?
04:28What do you suggest?
04:29Well, no ice in the scotch, for a start.
04:32Then we could save on hot water if you stopped shaving and grew a beard.
04:36Only if you stopped doing your legs and armpits.
04:38Oh, God.
04:39I shall have to throw myself at the mercy of the DHSS.
04:42They'll love that.
04:43At the last count, the only benefits I wasn't claiming
04:46were war disablement pension, widow's allowance and the maternity grant.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:50Fran, we could have...
04:52Saved by the bailiffs.
04:54Worse.
04:55I think it's that well-known contraceptive device, Mrs H.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Oh!
05:03It's shocking how terrible.
05:06What is?
05:06The weather.
05:08Nippy, is it?
05:09Oh, it's pouring.
05:10With rain?
05:11Of course.
05:13That's ridiculous.
05:14This is Britain.
05:15Here we are in the middle of one of our warmest months.
05:18Freak storm, is it?
05:19Eh?
05:20He's in one of his moods, Mrs H.
05:22I am not.
05:23I am just constantly amazed at the shock, horror surprise of the British
05:26when it rains in this country.
05:28As if it's a rare occurrence.
05:30Mrs H, it rains a great deal here.
05:33An average of about 40 inches a year.
05:35As much as that?
05:36It was part of our deal when we joined the EEC.
05:39I reckon we should renegotiate for a wine lake, at least.
05:43Well, how's my pretty little one, then?
05:46Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
05:48Emma is asleep.
05:49Yes, she's conserving her energy for these midnight arias.
05:52She seems to take such a delight in me.
05:54Well, I brought her a cuddly toy.
05:57It's a rhinosus.
05:59So?
06:00Oh, you shouldn't have.
06:01You really shouldn't.
06:03Don't want to give her a false impression of life.
06:06Rhinos aren't cuddly.
06:07They're aggressive and charged for no reason at all.
06:10A bit like VAT.
06:13Tea, Mrs H?
06:14Oh, I wouldn't say no.
06:16Well, as an economy measure, you'll have to have it without.
06:19Without milk?
06:20Without water.
06:21We've just seen the bill, so we're economising by boozing.
06:25My willy has just had one of those new water meters fitted.
06:29Willie has?
06:30Whereabouts?
06:31Definitely no system.
06:32Has it saved you any money?
06:36Not yet, as such.
06:37You see, we had to pay the plumber £50 to install it.
06:41And he said we needed new tanks, and while he was at it, he might as well fit new taps.
06:45Cost you a fortune to save money these days?
06:48What was wrong with the taps?
06:49Well, they were in inches instead of... kilos.
06:55You see, Willie and me never went decimal.
06:57Never had the time.
06:59It's a lengthy process, Mrs H.
07:00I, of course, having plenty of time on my hands, went completely so integrate.
07:05But Fran is a fanatical Fahrenheit-er.
07:07I always feel warmer when it's 70 degrees, instead of whatever it is.
07:1121.
07:1321 sounds freezing!
07:15How do you work it out?
07:15You divide by five, multiply by nine, and add 32.
07:19Oh, what a palaver, just to find out if you need to wear a coat or not.
07:23Well, at least you always know to take an umbrella, Mrs H.
07:27Yeah, what's all this, then?
07:28We're playing Houses of Parliament.
07:31Eh?
07:31Giving all these bills a first reading.
07:36Not long ago, we had it all sorted out.
07:38My book was going to go straight to the top of the bestsellers.
07:41Interviewed by Hearty, Parky and Frosty.
07:43You were going to go to the Foreign Office, sort out Brezhnev, and we'd have Carrington round for drinks.
07:48No, well, actually, I was going to sort out Carrington and have Brezhnev round for drinks.
07:52Book didn't do too well, then.
07:54I gave away more than was sold.
07:56Well, our signed copy has got pride of place in our bookcase.
07:59Really?
08:00What else have you got?
08:01Just yours.
08:03We bought the bookcase special.
08:04There was no point in getting any more in till we'd read it.
08:10Of course.
08:12She's planning another one, Mrs H.
08:14Oh?
08:14Oh?
08:15The first was just a try-out.
08:17This one's got everything a bestseller should have.
08:19It's all about a kinky vet who's a friend of the royal family and joins the SAS.
08:23Oh, nice.
08:25Boy or girl?
08:53Oh, me?
08:57Maybe.
08:58Well, I don't know.
09:00Well, there are several simple, acceptable scientific methods for determining its gender.
09:06Don't really matter at this age, do it?
09:09That's true.
09:10Might as well leave them as long as possible before the conditioning process begins.
09:15Ooh, looks just like you, apart from the orange make-up.
09:18Leave it out.
09:20Belongs to the woman next door.
09:22I only borrowed it to come down the social.
09:25I see.
09:26We've been in at another age.
09:28Are you getting used to the surroundings or are you claiming for it?
09:32Look, I can't keep calling it it.
09:34Is there a name that might give us a clue to its sex?
09:38Zapp.
09:39Oh.
09:39Are you claiming benefit for Zapp?
09:41No, it's just that this lot will get a move on if there's a screaming kid in front of them.
09:46Seems well behaved.
09:48You wait till I take this bottle away.
09:50I believe you.
09:52You want to borrow one?
09:54It makes you look a lot worse off than you are.
09:56I am a lot worse off than I look anyway.
09:59Actually, I've got a baby daughter.
10:01You should bring her in.
10:02She's very well behaved with people.
10:05Just me and the wife she screams at.
10:0888.
10:09Ah, I'm 88.
10:11You don't look it.
10:12I'll feed it.
10:14Morning.
10:15Ah, hello.
10:16Could we discuss this in private, please?
10:19Discuss what?
10:20Well, if I tell you here, it won't be private, will it?
10:22I do need something to go on, you know.
10:25A vague clue.
10:26Like your name.
10:28If you wish, you may write it down on a piece of paper and slip it across to me.
10:32James Shelley.
10:35Look, it's not that I've got anything secretive to discuss.
10:38It's just that that baby's going to start screaming any minute.
10:42How do you know?
10:42I know babies used to be one.
10:4418-0.
10:4518-0.
11:05Interesting decor.
11:06What?
11:07Guaranteed to intimidate.
11:11Same washable stuff they use in police interview rooms.
11:15I wouldn't know.
11:16Well, I've only been in the one.
11:18Really?
11:19The charge was threatening behaviour.
11:22DHSS club.
11:27We get a lot of threats.
11:29He threatened me.
11:30Now then, your file here.
11:34That can't be mine.
11:35It's usually wheeled in on a trolley by...
11:37Yes, I've seen it.
11:39It's now used as a major part of our staff training scheme, as it covers just about every contingency
11:43they're liable to come across.
11:45Happy to be of assistance.
11:47So what's in there, then?
11:48It's a 12-page summary of the story so far.
11:51No doubt today's little visit will add another chapter or two to the saga.
11:57Cigarette?
11:58No, thanks.
12:00But I want to tell her, mate, you promised not to threaten me.
12:04We've not met before.
12:06No, most of the original staff who handled your case have either died, resigned or retired
12:11on medical grounds.
12:13You know, suffering from Shelley shock.
12:18You're a brave man.
12:20Did you volunteer or were you even scripted?
12:22No, this job's a bit like Russian roulette.
12:25So fire away.
12:27I can't pay my bills on the money I'm getting from you.
12:31Yes.
12:32Yes.
12:33And?
12:34Exactly.
12:35What?
12:36And I was wondering if you could help.
12:38We're not a branch of the Salvation Army, you know.
12:41I realised that when they didn't turn me away at the door.
12:44Look, I'm not asking for charity, more like an advance.
12:48Advance?
12:48We're not a bank.
12:50Right.
12:51So we've established you're not the Sally Army and you're not a bank.
12:54You're not the London Palladium either, so let's skip the bad jokes.
12:58At the moment, I owe £659.14.
13:02That includes VAT.
13:03Mr. Shelley, you're just going to have to try and curb your lifestyle.
13:07What lifestyle?
13:08That's my gas, electricity, telephone, water.
13:11You make me sound like Victor Lowndes.
13:13Didn't you put anything away for a rainy day?
13:16Wouldn't have done me any good.
13:17I'm in the middle of the monsoon season.
13:19I need an ark or a lifeboat at the very least.
13:23All I can suggest is that you approach a bank.
13:26Very stealthily, with a sawn-off shotgun and my wife's tights over my head.
13:31Can you retrain as a bank robber?
13:34Do you have an account?
13:35A deposit.
13:36And it contains exactly one pound.
13:39And whatever interest it may have accrued during the two months that it's been there.
13:42Well, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do to help.
13:46It's a pity you're not a one-parent family.
13:48I don't think it's a pity at all.
13:50My daughter seems to need two parents.
13:52Or are you suggesting it would make sound economic sense if either I or my wife left home?
13:57No, no, no.
13:58It's just that there's more sympathy and understanding for that sort of thing nowadays.
14:02I see.
14:03There's more sympathy and understanding for a child who's only got to bring up one unemployed parent
14:08instead of my daughter, who's got both parents out of work.
14:12I was just looking at your benefits.
14:15Hello.
14:16What's this?
14:16You've found a third parent.
14:20I am glad you came in.
14:22Oh?
14:23It seems you've been receiving more than you're entitled to.
14:27What?
14:28I'm afraid we're going to have to reduce your benefit by £3.40 a week.
14:42Oh, hello.
14:44By the way, it's a boy.
14:46Congratulations.
14:48I got all the benefits I wanted.
14:50Sat really damn well.
14:52First of all, he dribbled.
14:53And then he screamed the plays down.
14:56And in the end, he popped himself.
14:58I'm very jealous.
15:16I'm very jealous.
15:28This way, please.
15:32Yes, well, I'm afraid I can't give you very much time, Mr. Schilling.
15:38Schilling.
15:38What is?
15:39My name.
15:40Oh.
15:41Oh, I am so sorry.
15:42Do sit down, please.
15:44You know, this girl's handwriting gets worse every day.
15:47Well, thank you for seeing me at such short notice.
15:50I'll come straight to the point.
15:52Yes, well, perhaps we could conduct this conversation more easily
15:54if you'd let me have my seat back.
15:58Oh, sorry.
16:00You know, it's taken me 18 years to get my seat behind this desk,
16:04and I'm not willing to give it up that easily.
16:08You know, I swear that this says Schilling.
16:11I don't know what they teach them these days.
16:13I suppose they all learn to type now,
16:15and they don't even know what an inkwell looks like.
16:19They come here, you know, straight from school,
16:21and they can't even divide the tea and biscuit money
16:24without reaching for a pocket calculator.
16:28But I do miss them, though.
16:30Tea and biscuits?
16:31Shillings.
16:34Just think, there's a generation growing up
16:36that never knew that six and eight-pence was a third of a pound.
16:39Ah-ha.
16:40Mind you, I was never able to make much use of such a valuable piece of information
16:44other than as a reply when asked by my arithmetic teacher
16:47what a third of a pound was.
16:49Ah, arithmetic.
16:50Oh, yes.
16:52Right.
16:53Now, what can I do for you?
16:54I have an account here.
16:55It's fairly new, as I do my main business with the DHSS.
16:59Where I believe they're planning to microfilm me.
17:05Oh.
17:06There's very little in my account.
17:07But big trees from little acorns grow.
17:09Well, the axe-woman hath just beaneth and trampled on my egg.
17:15I'm afraid you've lost me there.
17:16The last thing I fully understood was six and eight-pence.
17:18I opened an account here so that my salary from the Foreign Office could go into it.
17:24But it's been axed.
17:25The Foreign Office?
17:27Well, just my corner of it.
17:29Oh, I see.
17:30So, where can I help?
17:32Nice of you to offer.
17:33Well, I'd like a loan.
17:36Oh, my.
17:37Well, I'd say a couple of grand.
17:39Thousand.
17:40Um, two thousand pounds.
17:42For what purpose?
17:43To prevent myself from being broke.
17:45Oh.
17:46When I'm paid, that's not good enough, Mr Shetty.
17:49Oh, all right then.
17:49Uh, let's say to stop my wife and baby and I from qualifying for third world relief.
17:55That better.
17:56Now, look.
17:57If you want to make some improvements to your home, well, that's different.
18:00Of course, we'd require details of what sort of improvements you want to make.
18:03Oh, gas, water, electricity, telephone.
18:07What, you mean you don't have any of those facilities?
18:10Oh, I've got them all right.
18:11I just can't afford to pay for them.
18:13Once I can, things will improve at home.
18:15I see.
18:16They're not a branch of social security here, you know.
18:19That's nice to know, because up to social, they felt it necessary to point out, amongst
18:23other things, that they weren't a bank.
18:25Oh, did they?
18:26Perhaps you should get together and issue a joint statement of denial.
18:31Obviously, a lot of people are getting you mixed up.
18:34You see, when I lend my clients money, it's as an investment for their future to enable
18:39them to install double glazing or a new bathroom or bedroom or kitchen or garage or something
18:46like that.
18:46I'm a single glazing man myself.
18:49Don't see the point in modernizing the kitchen without the food to cook in it.
18:52Don't need a garage.
18:54You haven't got a car.
18:55How about a swimming pool?
18:57Out of the question.
18:58What about a nuclear fallout shelter, then?
19:01You do it.
19:01One of those, the way things are going.
19:03If you okay it, I'll let you in when the bomb drops.
19:06Mr. Shelley, can't you take this seriously?
19:10I do.
19:11Quite frankly, the Americans worry me.
19:13The Americans?
19:14Yes, they seem to have a predilection for fighting their wars in other people's backyards.
19:18Like my friend Paul.
19:20He never throws parties at his place, but encourages all his mates to have them so he
19:24can go round there and behave like a lunatic.
19:29Mr. Shelley, I don't think we can continue this conversation any further.
19:33Quite.
19:33It's very depressing.
19:34I've suddenly realized that your sole financial involvement in this bank so far has been in
19:41the depositing of one single pound.
19:45Yes.
19:46And now you want to borrow 2,000.
19:48I mean, as much as I'd like to assist anyone who comes to me with such a problem, I'm afraid
19:53I can't.
19:53I mean, I don't make the rules.
19:55We mustn't offend the old lady of Threadneedle Street, must we?
19:58Why not?
19:59I've been offended by the old lady of Downing Street.
20:01No, no, we have to have our securities, our guarantee, our...
20:07Pound of flesh.
20:09Oh, no, no, no.
20:10You're far more humane these days.
20:12Mmm.
20:13You stop at the Shorten Curlies.
20:14Hello, Mrs. H.
20:26Shh.
20:26I've had a rotten day.
20:29Mmm.
20:30Bloody miserable.
20:32Nice.
20:32I robbed a bank.
20:37Uh-huh.
20:38My getaway was impeded due to the fact that central London is under 10 feet of water.
20:43Oh, yes.
20:46Fancy coming upstairs for a quickie?
20:49What do you say?
20:50That's it now.
20:51Oh, yes, please.
20:53I didn't know you spoke Welsh, Mrs. H.
20:58Well, I don't, but they've got beautiful voices.
21:02Emma loves it.
21:03Ah, that explains it.
21:04She's speaking Welsh when she goes glack, gog, goo, goo.
21:09At least it's the language.
21:11I learnt English from the flowerpot men.
21:13Parents thought I was retarded.
21:16Where is Emma?
21:17Gone out.
21:18On her own, or has she dragged Fran out as well?
21:21They're both out.
21:22Left you to telly-sit, did they?
21:25How'd you get on, then?
21:26I didn't.
21:28DHSS reduced my benefit and sent me to the bank,
21:31who tried to flog me a double-glazed garage with fitted kitchen.
21:34But it wasn't bomb-proof.
21:37Willie and me was that during the war.
21:39Double-glazed?
21:41Bomb-proof?
21:42Look, we had an Anderson shelter at the end of the garden.
21:44Kept the best furniture and china in there,
21:47in case the house got bombed.
21:49Then one night, the air raid was so bad,
21:52we had to get it all out into the garden so that we could get in.
21:55After the all-clear, when we came out,
21:58we'd lost the lot.
21:59Stolen during the air raid.
22:01No doubt part of the fabled Nazi art treasure hoard.
22:05Oh, I don't think the Germans took it.
22:07I'm sure it was that Scotch family from number 21.
22:11How'd it go, Shelley?
22:13It didn't.
22:14I'd have been better off staying in bed today learning Welsh from Emma.
22:17I'd have saved energy as well and wouldn't have to eat.
22:20As it is, I'm starving.
22:21I even came the long way home to avoid passing the Chinese takeaway.
22:26To whom we owe a fortune.
22:28When they catch me, they'll probably have my guts for starters.
22:33I've just paid them, and it was your spare ribs they were after.
22:36You've paid?
22:38You've sold Emma?
22:39Eh?
22:39I am the proud owner of an overdraft.
22:43Fran, you aren't even the proud owner of a bank account.
22:46Oh, yes.
22:47And not a silly deposit one, either.
22:49I borrowed a fiver from Mrs H,
22:50opened an account,
22:52and then explained to the manager I needed money to finish my latest book.
22:55About a kinky vet who's a friend of the royals and joins the SAS.
23:01I'll sue you for plagiarism.
23:03Which bank?
23:05Yours.
23:06He said you'd been in going on about fallout shelters,
23:08and he didn't know why he didn't tell the truth about the book in the first place.
23:11I gave him an autographed copy of the first one.
23:14Highly delighted he was.
23:15I took Emma with me.
23:17She screamed the place down.
23:18That's what.
23:20Bloody hell.
23:22Let's heat up this Chinese.
23:25What's this?
23:26Er, my top ten books.
23:29Shelley, they're all copies of my book.
23:32Hmm.
23:33Well, I got a bit depressed after the Social Security and the bank,
23:35so I tried to rekindle some interest in it.
23:38You know, popped into a few bookshops to ask if they had it.
23:42And each time they went off and came back with a copy.
23:44Didn't have the art not to buy one.
23:47Got ten.
23:49At $1.50 each?
23:50Ah, but think of the royalties at 5p a copy.
23:54Nearly enough to buy a crispy noodle.
23:55Thank you so much.