Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Shelly!
00:30What do you call me for?
00:38It's lunchtime. You said to wake you.
00:41Oh, yeah.
00:43Have you been asleep all morning?
00:45Oh, I haven't been sleeping. I'm lying awake, thinking.
00:48I don't know anyone who sleeps as much as you. What's going to happen when you start work?
00:52Well, it's only the Foreign Office, love.
00:55Don't say I'll be able to get my head down there all right.
00:59You want more coffee? Yeah.
01:02Emma's been quiet all morning.
01:05Well, yeah, she's had a very tiring night, poor thing.
01:08That's true. Takes it out of you, screaming your lungs out for eight hours, non-stop.
01:13If we can find one that survived the cuts, can we send her to nursery school?
01:18Nursery school?
01:19Yeah, you know, it'd be good for her to mix a bit.
01:21She is two weeks old.
01:24Yeah, well, you know, when she's old enough.
01:27Well, yes, when?
01:28We won't have to worry about schools anyway.
01:30Why not?
01:31Well, Keith Joseph's got education now.
01:33Probably won't be any schools by 1986.
01:37Are you still having sugar these days?
01:40Hmm, small one.
01:42Our garden's in a state.
01:44That's not a garden.
01:45That's the only rain forest in South West Six.
01:48You've been out there lately?
01:51Certainly not.
01:53You need snake-proof boots and an elephant gun to go out there.
01:58Bloody hell.
02:01It's like a Triffids convention.
02:07Wasn't there a shed at the bottom?
02:09Still is.
02:10It's overgrown.
02:11It'll be like Aztec ruins in there now.
02:14What are those great mauve flowers?
02:17I don't know what they're called.
02:18I think they live off small mammals.
02:22You're a bit late signing on this week, aren't you?
02:25It's 12.30.
02:26They're open till 3.30.
02:28It's Thursday.
02:29You sign on Tuesdays.
02:30Oh, I never go on a sign-in day.
02:32Why not?
02:33Well, it's always packed with unemployed people.
02:35Depresses me.
02:39Every Tuesday, the entire three million turn up at my labour exchange.
02:43It's like being in a drama documentary about the 30s.
02:47I go on non-signing days when it's deserted.
02:50What does a labour exchange do on a non-signing day?
02:53They're job creation days.
02:55Really?
02:56Oh, yes.
02:57They file away all the dockets so that when they want yours,
02:59they've got a job to find it.
03:00What's this?
03:04Rate demand.
03:08Why do we have to pay for the old street?
03:11Is this for real?
03:13Must be.
03:14What do they need all this for?
03:16They're cutting back on everything.
03:18Well, all the amenities, you know.
03:20I mean, CS gas and riot shields don't come cheap.
03:24What are we going to do?
03:26Nothing.
03:27What do you mean, nothing?
03:29Well, we can't pay it, can we?
03:31Of course we can't.
03:32Well, then.
03:34Well, I think we should at least worry about it a bit.
03:38You know.
03:40Thank God I start a job next week.
03:43So what about the garden, then?
03:45What about it?
03:46Well, what are we going to do about it?
03:47Set light to it.
03:48I wish to discuss this properly.
03:51I want a real garden.
03:52Well, all right.
03:53Off you go.
03:54I'm not stopping you.
03:55All you need is a tanker full of defoliant and a combine harvester.
03:58Should be a doddle.
03:59Shelley.
04:00We wait until winter.
04:02I don't want to go out there now.
04:04One of those mauve things might eat me.
04:07What sort of garden do you want?
04:09A real one.
04:10Like that.
04:12Hmm.
04:13Yes.
04:14I see what you mean.
04:15Yes, that would be nice.
04:17It is Blenheim Palace.
04:20I just mean a formal garden.
04:22Simple, but well tended.
04:24We could have crazy paving.
04:26Oh, no.
04:27We've got to be able to grow things.
04:29What do you mean, grow things?
04:30We can't stop growing things.
04:33It's more fertile than the Amazon jungle out there.
04:37Anyway.
04:39We haven't got any gardening tools.
04:41Your mum's got a garden.
04:42We could borrow her stuff.
04:43My mother's garden is concreted over.
04:45The only gardening she does is spraying her marijuana with greenfly killer.
04:53Do you get greenfly on marijuana?
04:55My mother does.
04:57She calls them her little green junkies.
05:01Says she doesn't mind spraying them because at least they die happy.
05:05She believes that.
05:07She thinks she's got a kitchen full of spaced out aphids.
05:11The only gardening equipment she's got is a pair of nail scissors for pruning.
05:14And a pack of rizzlers for consuming the arvids.
05:20Mind you, she could help us with our problem.
05:23In what way?
05:24Well, a couple of her joints.
05:25We'd like to garden the way it is.
05:27Now look.
05:28There's no now looks about it.
05:30I ain't doing nothing.
05:32Period.
05:34We wait until winter when mother nature's dropped off a bit and clear it then.
05:39I am not about to take on half an acre of oversized bloodthirsty plants in the prime of life.
05:44Look, Shelley.
05:45I can't get through the back door because small trees have grown up through the doormat.
05:50We've got convolvulus up our waste pipe and we've got bindweed as far as the roof.
05:54Bindweed is convolvulus.
05:56I don't want botanical instruction.
05:58I want mass planticide out there.
06:01Pronto.
06:03I've got it.
06:04What?
06:05I've got it.
06:06The full set.
06:08Oh God, what a day.
06:09What are you on about?
06:10I've got a mortgage, bills, an ugly screaming baby.
06:14I start a job next week and now I've got a nagging wife.
06:17I am not nagging.
06:18She's a lovely baby.
06:20Lovely baby.
06:21She's ugly.
06:22Takes after you.
06:23Dribbles everywhere.
06:25Look, I am not nagging.
06:27I am discussing our garden in a reasonable way.
06:29And will you stop insulting our daughter?
06:31She's not an ugly baby.
06:32She's a baby.
06:33Babies are ugly.
06:34She's nothing special.
06:35She's just par for the course.
06:38God, I'm depressed.
06:39What do you mean you're depressed?
06:41You spend all your time in bed.
06:43But only this week.
06:44It's my last week.
06:46I won't be a layabout again.
06:48Ever.
06:49Till I'm 65.
06:51And you won't even leave me alone for my last seven days.
06:55I'm off down the labour where I'm appreciated.
06:59They'll be sad to know I'm starting work.
07:02Don't forget your letters.
07:07There'll be bad news.
07:08You mark my words.
07:17Mr Jones.
07:18Mr Aziz.
07:25Mr Shelley.
07:26Mr Shelley.
07:27How long have you been signing on, Mr Shelley?
07:32Let's see.
07:33Man and boy going on seven years, I suppose.
07:35More or less straight from university.
07:39Absolutely.
07:40I first came here in my graduation gal.
07:42My degree's still warm under my arm.
07:45I'm told I cut a distinctive figure among the downtrodden unfortunates.
07:51A man with your education sponging off the state.
07:53There's a lot of highly educated people on the dole these days.
07:56Still, the government's taking decisive action to stop all that.
08:00Are they?
08:01Yes, they're going to stop educating people.
08:04How do you fill all your time with nothing to do?
08:08There's an art in it.
08:09Lie in bed for as long as possible.
08:11Have a spat with a wife for an hour.
08:12That takes care of the morning.
08:13Then I read my paper on the bus coming here and I've saved my letters to read on the way back.
08:19Must keep the mind occupied.
08:21Today, Mr Shelley, is Thursday.
08:23That's right.
08:24Glad to see you're keeping abreast of things.
08:27Look, sorry I'm a bit late.
08:29Oh, think nothing of it.
08:30It's only two days.
08:32Well, that's true.
08:33You are here now.
08:34That's the important thing.
08:35We'll just drop everything.
08:37Chase up your file.
08:38Get you to sign it.
08:39You know, if it is not too much trouble.
08:42Not at all.
08:44We will just disrupt the whole claim section.
08:46So we can get your claim in.
08:48Mustn't inconvenience you.
08:50Most kind.
08:51Matter of fact, Mr Shelley, we're glad of the change in routine.
08:55Mm-hmm.
08:56Oh yes, you can imagine.
08:57In a labor exchange these days with only three million unemployed.
09:01We're a bit stuck for something to do.
09:04Actually, you know, I've often thought we do send you your gyro every week through the post.
09:09I really don't see why man shouldn't bring your docket round every fortnight.
09:12Oh yes.
09:13You could sign it in the comfort of your own home.
09:18He could do a bit of shopping for you while he was there.
09:23Run the hoover over.
09:24Change your library books.
09:26I'll get your docket, if you'll excuse me.
09:30Uh, you are all right, are you?
09:32Standing up all this time.
09:34Thank you, yes.
09:35I'm well rested.
09:36An old lady gave me a seat on the bus.
09:39Smart, Alec.
09:40It'll work, shall I?
09:41Funding off a stake.
09:42Not saying a lot today.
09:46Something wrong?
09:47Well, you see, I was enjoying your sparkling conversation.
09:50Savouring it, you see.
09:51Because alas, today is the last time I shall be hearing it.
09:56I've got a job.
09:57A job?
09:59My word.
10:00Always trying to be the odd one out, aren't you?
10:03Very good, Mr. Aziz.
10:08You've had jobs before, haven't you?
10:11Oh yes.
10:12Quite an old hand.
10:13In my way.
10:14Bean packer for five weeks, 1976.
10:17Bartender for two weeks.
10:19And my word, advertising copywriter for 13 weeks.
10:23Double figures.
10:24Give you a clock, did they?
10:30Mr. Shelley's got a job.
10:33Oh, that again, Izzy.
10:37How long will this one last?
10:39Two weeks?
10:40Three?
10:41He made double figures, weren't you?
10:42Oh yes, we were just saying.
10:44I dare say they gave him a clock.
10:49Sign here.
10:52My last signature.
10:55My word.
10:57Perhaps I won't cash my last gyro.
11:00Maybe I'll just frame it.
11:02Well, I don't want to get maudlin, but I'll say this.
11:05I'll miss you both very much.
11:08I have enjoyed signing here.
11:10Over the years, we've had many happy hours.
11:13I wonder if you wouldn't mind
11:15autographing my signing on card as a souvenir.
11:21Goodbye, Mr. Shelley.
11:22Farewell, Mustafa.
11:24Clement.
11:25Farewell, alas, forever.
11:33Hi, Emma.
11:34You've been talking to Mummy, have you?
11:42Hello.
11:43Hello.
11:44Been there gardening, then?
11:46What do you think I've been doing?
11:47Auditioning for the Archers?
11:51What are you laughing at?
11:52Your joke.
11:53Auditioning for the Archers.
11:54Very funny.
11:55No, it isn't.
11:56It's the kind of witless, automatic, smart-addict remark
11:59that you can't go 15 seconds without making.
12:03That's all.
12:04It's just a catching habit.
12:06Yes, yes.
12:07It's like living with Little and Large on a trip in this house.
12:13Yeah.
12:14If feeble jokes were pound notes,
12:15we could pay everyone's rape demand.
12:17Do you think we could stop this row just long enough
12:19for me to give you some very bad news?
12:22What bad news?
12:24Shut up.
12:25You remember this morning's mail?
12:27Sure I do.
12:28The rape demand.
12:29Shut up!
12:30One more peep out of you, I'll feed you to those Moe flowers.
12:34I've pulled them up.
12:36What about the rape demand?
12:38Be quiet, Emma, love.
12:41That was a fluke.
12:42That was pure coincidence.
12:45Of course it was.
12:47What's this dreadful news?
12:49There were two other letters, remember?
12:51Yeah.
12:52One was from the library saying
12:53that if I did not return their copy of Baby and Child Care
12:56forthwith, I'd get six months without the option.
13:00And the third bit of bad news was this.
13:05Oh, my God.
13:09You can go on with the row now.
13:14Shut up!
13:18Hold up!
13:19Aw!
13:20Aw!
13:21Aw!
13:22Eh!
13:23قл
13:24There's nothing I can do, old man.
13:50Absolutely, Rie Ann.
13:54It's all been cut, Squire.
13:56It's called monetarism.
13:58Means we haven't got any.
14:00Absolute absence of El Casio.
14:03Dear God.
14:05We have to have a flag day to buy loo paper around here.
14:11Wanna see me?
14:13Good morning, Mr. Fairbrass.
14:15The very same.
14:16Mr. Jalawi said you might be able to explain this.
14:19Jolly good.
14:20Well, take a pew, will you, old man?
14:23Well, I say, it's not about those Ethiopian maggots, is it?
14:27Not at all, no.
14:29Thank God for that.
14:32Yes, I'm sorry about that, chaps.
14:34Just, um...
14:35I know he's worried about communist infiltration,
14:37but even if he had Leonid Brechneff in his cabinet, I still couldn't help.
14:43Now, the old coffers are empty, Squire.
14:45V-day.
14:46Yes.
14:47Mother Hubbard time.
14:48Yes.
14:49Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
14:50Bye for now.
14:52Man's a fuck.
14:54I used every last penny I had on those, uh, nine-banded armadillos.
15:01Armadillos?
15:02Yes, you know, leprosy research.
15:05God, leprosy.
15:07This chap is the sort of creep who cries all over you about his overdraft and his rate demand.
15:12I ask you.
15:13I've got kids starving in Malawi.
15:17Rate demand.
15:19Nine-banded armadillos don't grow on trees.
15:23No.
15:24Hmm.
15:27Yes.
15:29Yes, well, what this, uh, means is that the vacancy is no longer, no longer in existence, you see.
15:37That is to say, the job that we were going to offer you has been, uh, withdrawn.
15:44Hmm.
15:45Yes, I didn't actually need a translation.
15:47I'd, uh, grasped the content of the letter.
15:50Understanding clearly typed plain English has always been one of my stronger points.
15:54I was hoping for some helpful explanation
15:58before I instruct my solicitors to sue the nether parts off the Foreign Office.
16:07Have you signed the Official Secrets Act?
16:10I have not, no.
16:12Why, are you frightened the Russians will find out I've been sacked?
16:17So you haven't signed your negotiated contract of employment, then?
16:20They usually happen simultaneously.
16:23No.
16:25But I have a letter from this department signed.
16:28Yes, but that does not, in law, constitute a contract.
16:34No.
16:35How on earth do you know?
16:37Oh, our lawyers write those letters very carefully so as to avoid any such commitment.
16:43So you mean I have no redress at all?
16:46Oh, heavens, no.
16:48If the Foreign Office had to pay for every mistake it made, the country would be bankrupt.
16:56That is even more bankrupt than it is.
16:59Look, if you need any advice or assistance, Squire,
17:02you'll find the chappies at the Labour Exchange jolly helpful, you know.
17:15Good morning, Mr Shelley.
17:16Good morning.
17:18Please don't get up. I don't want to tire you.
17:20I've always wanted to meet you.
17:28Oh, well, I'm very flattered.
17:30We've got a filing cabinet out there with a broken runner in the S drawer.
17:35For as long as I've been here, there's been a tremendous bulge surmounted by the name Shelley J.
17:40Adjacent files have had to curve round it.
17:45Mrs Sheldon and Mr Schelling have files like flattened bananas.
17:49When I first came here, burning with curiosity, I read it.
17:54Expecting to find some human tragedy, some heart-rending tale of personal deprivation.
17:59A brave and uncomplaining gentleman accepting with dignity a little much-needed help from the welfare state.
18:08And what do I find?
18:10An able-bodied work shy in the prime of life with a PhD.
18:13Precisely.
18:16And a degree, doubtless in column-dodging.
18:20These brief islands of employment that stay in your otherwise uncorrupted life.
18:33What brought them on?
18:37Coincide with sunspot activity, did it?
18:41A hyperactive planet wobble ever so slightly across your star sign, did it?
18:46As I recall, I was spoken to in a dream.
18:52And commanded to do five weeks bean packing.
18:57Yes, it was either that or build an ark, as I remember.
19:02Two weeks as a barman.
19:05And thirteen with Harper Mackintosh.
19:07Double figures. They gave me a clock.
19:09Listen, without wishing to appear rude, do you think we might turn this conversation round to the point where you ask me how you can help me?
19:22How can I help you?
19:24Well, you see, I've just been made redundant.
19:26Mr Shelley.
19:30I hate to sound pedantic, but you cannot be made redundant unless you have a job in the first place.
19:36This is in the nature of things.
19:39I applied for a job, doubtless a rush of unwanted blood to the brain, with the Foreign Office.
19:46They offered me a position which I accepted.
19:49And?
19:50They withdrew it two weeks before I was due to start.
19:53This is the second time I've been made redundant.
19:56Getting your comeuppance, eh?
19:57Well, yes, personally, I think that's why the government shut the country down. To teach me a lesson.
20:04In the meantime, I am stuck with this.
20:10What's this?
20:12My rate demand.
20:14Like us to pay it, would you?
20:17Yes, please.
20:18Have you put any money by, Mr Shelley?
20:25From your gyros?
20:27Saved, you mean?
20:29Yes.
20:31Yes, well, you see, after buying the basic necessities, we usually have 25 or 30p left over each week.
20:38And I'm ashamed to say, we splurge it all on wild living.
20:45Yes.
20:47You see, we have paid your rates to you.
20:51Each week.
20:53That's this figure.
20:57My word.
20:59It really was up to you to save it.
21:02Good morning, Mr Shelley.
21:05Good morning.
21:07At the risk of teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, may I remind you that you have to re-register at the Labour Exchange?
21:21Good morning, Mr Jones. Turned out nice again.
21:24It's Friday, Mr Shelley.
21:27You've really got these days of the week cracked, haven't you?
21:31Listen, I would like to register myself unemployed and claim unemployment benefit, please.
21:38Well, you only signed off yesterday, Thursday, in the afternoon.
21:43Indeed I did.
21:45It's 11.30am.
21:47Allowing travelling time, you can't have held this job of yours for more than an hour.
21:51Well, as a matter of fact...
21:54One hour?
21:56Don't you think, Mr Shelley, that as careers go, 60 minutes is just a bit on the tentative side?
22:03You're back, Mr Shelley.
22:05No use trying to pull the wool over your eyes, Mr. Easy.
22:09What was it?
22:11Office too noisy. Keep you awake, did it?
22:16You don't get any dole for six weeks.
22:18Really? Why not?
22:20It's the regulations.
22:22If you're offered a suitable job and turn it down, you lose your dole entitlement.
22:26Oh, yes, quite right.
22:28No money for six weeks. Hard cheese, my friend.
22:31I did not turn it down.
22:34I was made redundant.
22:35How'd you swing this?
22:40I will admit it was a pure fluke.
22:45You jammy sod.
22:47I'll get your file.
22:50This is very sad for me to see you thrown out of work like this. This is very bad news.
22:57Dead right it is. Nice to see you're so concerned.
23:01I am concerned.
23:02I bet Mr Jones a fiver you'd last a week this time.
23:08We just can't afford your functions anymore, you know.
23:14Now your father's an unemployment statistic, yet again.
23:18There will have to be a cut back in functions.
23:23You've been gardening?
23:24What do you think I've been doing? Digging a fallout shelter?
23:28No need to snap. I only asked.
23:31Sorry. Just every time I discover I'm an unemployed bankrupt, I get in a bad mood.
23:36This house is worth marginally less than we're paying for it, by the way.
23:40What?
23:42I popped into the estate agents.
23:44I thought if we sold up, moved back to Mrs H's, we might be able to live off the proceeds for a few weeks.
23:49You know, before we die of malnutrition.
23:51What did the Foreign Office say?
23:54There's no job and no redundancy money.
23:57The department I was going to work for has been cut.
24:00And that's it? No compensation at all?
24:03No. Still, there is one good thing.
24:05What?
24:06At least I'll have time to do the garden now.
24:08Well, what are we going to do?
24:10Got it all worked out.
24:11You have?
24:12Sure. We'll have a lawn over there with a board.
24:15Then we'll have a rockery, rising up to the Rose Garden at the back.
24:18Shelley! Did you see this fair brass guy?
24:22I did, yes.
24:24Well, won't he take it any further?
24:26No, he won't, I'm afraid.
24:27Why not?
24:29Well, he's been made redundant as well.
24:31Well, I'm not sure, but I'll be fine.
24:32I'm not sure.
24:34Just up, I'm not sure.
24:35That's good.
24:36I'm sorry.
24:37I'm not sure.
24:39Why are you not doing this fair?