Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 (birds chirping)
00:02 (yawns)
00:06 - Morning, hun.
00:15 - Morning, Uncle Hank.
00:17 - Ah, ah, ah, ah, I called you hun and I'm naked.
00:21 Ah.
00:24 - I'm sorry, Uncle Hank.
00:26 - What are you touching?
00:28 - Those are my personal undergarments.
00:30 - Nuh-uh, some of them are mine.
00:33 - Will you look at what your niece has done?
00:37 She's got my drawers spinning around
00:39 with her unmentionables.
00:41 - Yeah, oh, scandalous.
00:43 Where's my coffee?
00:45 - Ooh, laundry, how'd I have it in the dryer?
00:57 (yawns)
00:58 - 6 a.m. and already the boy ain't right.
01:01 (upbeat music)
01:08 (bells ringing)
01:26 (upbeat music)
01:29 (doorbell rings)
01:38 (door creaks)
01:39 - Hello, is there a Lou Anne Platter living here?
01:42 - Well, who wants to know?
01:43 - Shiny Pines Trailer Park.
01:45 Miss Platter owes six months back rent.
01:48 - You must have that wrong, mister.
01:50 Lou Anne doesn't have any trailer.
01:52 That's why she lives here.
01:54 - So she does live here?
01:55 - Don't play mind checkers with me, man.
01:58 I'm not in the mood.
01:59 - Look, we're both reasonable people.
02:01 - You said it, friend.
02:03 - My records show a trailer at the corner
02:05 of shitty Oak Lane and unpaved access drive.
02:08 Lou Anne Platter, resident.
02:10 - That can't be right.
02:12 Lou Anne used to live in a trailer,
02:14 but her parents had a fight, the trailer tipped over,
02:16 her mama went to jail, and the cops hauled it off.
02:20 - Sir, if you're calling me a liar,
02:21 you better be holding something stronger than an umbrella.
02:24 Nine iron?
02:26 - Y'all have a nice day.
02:27 - Well, they asked me to substitute for a German class,
02:34 and I said nine, which I thought meant yes,
02:37 but apparently nine means no, so I blew a big opportunity.
02:42 - Lou Anne, why are you living here?
02:46 - Because I have nowhere else to go.
02:51 - Well, a man came by from Shiny Pines Trailer Park today,
02:55 and he says you still got a trailer there.
02:58 - No, I don't, it tipped over.
03:00 - But it's still there.
03:02 - No, it tipped over.
03:03 - Lou Anne, let me try to explain.
03:06 I have a beer can, I tip it over.
03:10 Now, is it still there?
03:13 - I can't live in a beer can.
03:15 I can live in a trailer, but I don't have a trailer,
03:19 'cause the trailer tipped over.
03:22 - That trailer cannot be livable, Hank.
03:24 It's full of broken dishes and broken dreams.
03:27 - So, we'll clean it.
03:28 - Hank, if they had a sponge that cleaned up broken dreams,
03:32 Woolworths would still be in business.
03:34 - Hey, Hank, what you gonna winch?
03:39 - Lou Anne's daddy's trailer.
03:40 I'm gonna untip it and set it right.
03:43 - You know how the Egyptians untipped the pyramids,
03:46 don't ya?
03:47 With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves.
03:52 You got a cinder block?
03:56 - I could get you an army tank from the base.
04:00 You know, there's nothing better for pushing,
04:02 except for maybe a bulldozer,
04:04 but of course, they lock those up.
04:06 - Look, I got a truck and a winch.
04:09 You wanna stand around talking,
04:10 or you wanna tip that trailer?
04:12 - Nancy, I'm helping Hank winch a trailer.
04:14 I'll see you for dinner.
04:16 - Sorry, Shug, I get to anchor eyewitness weather tonight.
04:20 There's high winds blowing, might be a tornado.
04:23 This could be the disaster I've been waiting for.
04:25 So, keep your fingers crossed.
04:27 - Well, what about my supper?
04:30 - I left a carton of cigarettes on the table.
04:32 - I think I'll keep her.
04:36 - You know, fellas, trailer parks are some
04:40 of your largest consumers of propane.
04:43 Right behind school buses and crematoriums.
04:48 - Pretty, pretty, pretty.
04:50 Look at all those pretty trailers.
04:52 - Hey, man, this a damn good old deal, man.
04:54 I tell you what, a hundred bucks a month, man,
04:56 you get them hookups, you get them old dang two-top
04:58 jiggling around everywhere and whatnot, man.
05:00 It's nothing but a damn trash, man.
05:02 - Okay, Boom Hauer, crank up the winch.
05:13 (engine revving)
05:16 You got it, you got it, you got it.
05:20 (shouting)
05:22 All right, let's do it.
05:27 Keep going, keep going, use the momentum.
05:32 All right, Boom Hauer, way to go, yeah.
05:39 (shouting)
05:41 (upbeat music)
05:44 - Do you think Alex Cheveke is sexy, Aunt Peg?
05:56 - Get out of my mind, Luanne.
05:58 - Hey there, Luanne, peg leg.
06:03 - Hey, honey, what have you been doing all day?
06:06 - Oh, this and that.
06:09 - Hey, Luanne, here's a thought.
06:11 Wouldn't you like to have your own room?
06:14 - Well, sure I would.
06:17 I'd also like a date with Alex Cheveke,
06:19 but I don't see what good it'd do
06:21 since I don't even have my own room.
06:24 - You know, if that trailer wasn't tipped over,
06:26 you'd have more than just your own room.
06:29 - What are you driving at?
06:31 - The trailer's not tipped over anymore.
06:34 The guys and I took care of it.
06:36 You could move in there tomorrow if you want.
06:38 - Why are you doing this to me?
06:40 (crying)
06:41 - You're welcome.
06:42 - Drake Hill, how could you?
06:44 You are practically pushing her out the door.
06:47 - Sometimes you gotta stop vomiting in the baby bird's mouth
06:51 and kick her out of the nest.
06:53 - Well, that's a very clever analogy,
06:55 but you know from our own sidewalk,
06:57 we are constantly raking up
06:59 those little dried up bird babies.
07:01 Luanne is just not ready.
07:03 Oh, pumpkin, are you all right?
07:08 - I'm sorry I lost it, Aunt Peg,
07:11 but I thought I never had to go back to that trailer.
07:14 - Well, you don't have to, Luanne.
07:16 Not until you are good and ready.
07:18 - Did you know I was the first in my family
07:21 to go to beauty college?
07:22 - No, I did not know that.
07:25 - I'm not stopping there.
07:26 I had dreams, Aunt Peg.
07:29 I want to do hair and makeups for TV.
07:32 I know I'd be good.
07:34 I believe that I could be the first one
07:36 to hide those bags under Michael Douglas's eyes.
07:39 - Those are big old drinks.
07:41 - I'm shooting for a star, Aunt Peg.
07:46 And you know what?
07:48 I'll be okay at Shiny Pines
07:50 'cause you could see the same stars over that trailer
07:53 you could see right here.
07:55 Well, at night.
07:58 - Okey-dokey.
07:59 Well, you're all packed up now.
08:03 Guess you better start your goodbyes.
08:06 We want to get on the road
08:07 before that Dr. Demento starts stinking up the airwaves.
08:10 - Goodbye, Lady Bird.
08:15 Oh, you look so sad.
08:18 Show me that smile now, come on.
08:20 That's my girl.
08:23 - Goodbye, Luanne.
08:26 I just wanted you to know that I never read your diary,
08:30 even though you secretly suspected I did on June 18th, 1995.
08:35 - I was wrong to doubt you, Bobby.
08:38 - That's okay.
08:39 - Oh, Uncle Hank, I just wanted to tell you
08:44 you've been like a father to me.
08:46 - And I just wanted to tell you that,
08:50 here, let me give you my card.
08:55 Hold onto that.
08:56 That'll get you a 10% discount on all your propane needs.
09:01 - Lucky, lucky me.
09:05 - Luanne, honey, why don't you go out and wait in the car?
09:08 - What?
09:12 That card is just like cash.
09:15 - Did you even happen to notice
09:17 that Luanne was crying when she left here?
09:19 - Well, when isn't she crying?
09:21 She cries at weddings, she cries at funerals.
09:24 There's no rhyme or reason to it.
09:27 I spent six hours tipping up her trailer yesterday.
09:31 My back hurts.
09:32 You don't see me crying.
09:33 - No, I don't, but I wish I did.
09:36 I mean, come on, honey.
09:37 A member of your family is saying goodbye.
09:40 - Luanne is not family, she's company.
09:43 If she was family, I wouldn't have to double knot
09:46 the belt on my bathrobe just to get a midnight snack.
09:50 - Well, that is your problem.
09:52 Luanne loves you, and you have no emotions for her at all?
09:56 - I've got plenty of emotions.
09:58 I was afraid she was gonna hug me.
10:01 I was worried that she wouldn't leave,
10:03 and I was happy when it was over.
10:06 - Well, I don't know how anyone is supposed to know
10:08 what you're feeling, sitting there like a block of wood.
10:13 That is what you are sometimes, a blockhead.
10:16 - A blockhead?
10:18 Now that's hitting below the belt.
10:19 - Well, I am sorry, but sometimes you make me wonder
10:23 what the hell is wrong with you.
10:25 - Oh, really?
10:26 Well, speaking of hell,
10:28 if I wasn't so in control of my emotions,
10:31 I might be inclined to say that's the sort of place
10:33 you should consider making a visit towards.
10:38 (gasps)
10:40 (grunting)
10:44 Son, I'm very sorry you had to hear that.
10:58 I just lost my grip, and I spoke in a way
11:02 that a man should never, ever speak to his wife.
11:05 - I can't hear the TV.
11:07 - The National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch
11:10 for the Tri-County area.
11:12 This is not a test.
11:14 Channel 84 doesn't play those kind of games.
11:16 Residents should be on the lookout for a tornado,
11:19 especially if you live in a trailer park,
11:22 because we all know, Jim,
11:23 trailer parks can be hell in a tornado.
11:26 - Hey, isn't that funny, Dad?
11:28 'Cause, I mean, you sort of told Mom to go to hell, right?
11:32 And then they say on TV that in a twister,
11:35 a trailer park is hell.
11:38 And that's where Mom's going.
11:40 (screaming)
11:45 - That overlooks the avenue.
11:46 (train whistle blowing)
11:50 - There's no reason to panic.
11:56 My telling your mother to go to hell
11:58 will not be the last words the two of us exchange.
12:02 You and I'll just drive to the trailer park,
12:05 pick up Peggy and Luanne, and return without incident.
12:09 Now, just in case I'm incapacitated for some reason,
12:13 do you know how to start a man's heart
12:15 with a downed power line?
12:17 - No.
12:19 - Well, there's really no wrong way to do it.
12:22 - Well, I wish I could hang around
12:24 with you ordinary citizen types,
12:26 but my county needs me.
12:29 Yep.
12:30 I take on certain powers when I put on this uniform.
12:34 Not unlike your Marvel superheroes,
12:37 like, you know, Stretch Armstrong, Spider-Man, whatnot.
12:41 - Your bat cave's open there, Bill.
12:43 (laughing)
12:45 - You know, I don't mind you guys making fun of me
12:52 on a daily basis, but when I have this uniform on,
12:55 I'd appreciate a little respect.
12:58 - I'm sorry, you're right.
12:59 Of all the army barbers I know, you're the bravest.
13:03 - Set your moose on stun there, Bill.
13:06 (laughing)
13:08 You better hang on to that camcorder real good,
13:13 'cause I'm driving right up next to that twister.
13:16 Hardcop is paying 500 bucks for flying cow video.
13:21 - I tell you what, man, you wanna get a flying cow, man,
13:24 you go load up them dynamite and all,
13:27 can like that, they go to boom, man,
13:29 that old cow fly all over the place.
13:31 - This is no time for jokes, Boom Hauer.
13:35 This tornado's already classified at level two
13:38 on the Fujisaki scale.
13:40 A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door,
13:43 two barn doors if one of 'em's open.
13:46 - What would a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
13:49 - Level three will send an egg through a brick wall.
13:53 Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.
13:57 - Wow.
13:58 - Tornado time is like the end of days, Bobby.
14:01 The soft shall be blasted through the hard.
14:04 Chaos will descend upon the well-organized,
14:07 and the strongest of men will become
14:09 like a woman of average strength.
14:12 - That's enough there, Dale.
14:14 Now let's go, Bobby.
14:16 - Uh, just a minute, Dad.
14:18 I forgot something important.
14:21 - Nancy Hicks Gribble here for Tornado Watch 97,
14:30 brought to you by Mega Lo-Mart.
14:33 Mention that your home was destroyed
14:35 and get a free five-pound bag of onions.
14:39 A series of tornadoes has touched down in Arlington County.
14:41 As of this time, we have no reports of injuries
14:44 or of injury footage,
14:45 but if you know of someone who has been injured
14:48 or is likely to be injured, please call this station.
14:51 [train whistle blows]
14:53 [train rumbling]
14:55 [train bell rings]
14:57 [train door opens]
14:59 [train rumbling]
15:01 [glass shatters]
15:03 [glass shatters]
15:05 [glass shatters]
15:07 [glass shatters]
15:09 [glass shatters]
15:11 - So many bad memories.
15:13 There's the fork Mama stabbed Daddy with.
15:16 Oh, and the anti-bottles from that awful night.
15:20 And--oh, no.
15:22 Those mango-colored palazzo pants
15:25 that made my butt look big.
15:27 Oh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
15:30 [sighs]
15:31 There was a lot of fighting going on when we lived here.
15:35 I guess I have that effect on people.
15:38 - No, do not be silly.
15:40 The fight Hank and I had today was about him,
15:42 not you.
15:43 I am so mad at him and his precious self-control.
15:47 - I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy.
15:50 I tell you what.
15:52 - What kind of marriage proposal is that?
15:55 [train rumbling]
15:58 - Wheezy's nightclub was in the path of Gale Force Wicks.
16:01 Wheezy.
16:02 - He leveled the club out.
16:04 The strippers are fine,
16:05 but a customer had his lap broken by one of the dancers.
16:10 - Nothing to worry about.
16:12 That trailer park is at least three strip clubs away from Wheezy's.
16:17 [train rumbling]
16:18 - What?
16:20 [sighs]
16:22 [sighs]
16:24 - It's that dang fuel filter again.
16:27 There's no gas station for miles.
16:31 - Go to the Megalo Mart.
16:32 They've got everything and a whole lot more.
16:35 So maybe, just maybe, they'll have fruit pies.
16:41 - Come on, Bobby. Hurry up.
16:43 [train rumbling]
16:47 - All right, Twister.
16:49 It's just you and me now.
16:51 Ten years ago, you took my shit.
16:54 Did you think I'd forget that?
16:56 Come on, bring it on.
16:58 - [yells]
16:59 - No, please, let me go!
17:01 [train rumbling]
17:03 - Oh, man, dang it!
17:05 [yells]
17:07 - Whoo!
17:08 - [yells]
17:09 - Yes!
17:10 [train rumbling]
17:14 - Excuse me.
17:15 Come on, Bobby.
17:17 [train rumbling]
17:20 [man grunting]
17:24 - Well, fuel filters for $60?
17:27 But I only need one.
17:29 Ah, damn.
17:31 [sighs]
17:32 - One fuel filter.
17:34 - I'm sorry, hon,
17:35 but those have to be purchased in packets of 12.
17:40 - 12 fuel filters.
17:42 - I'm sorry, sweetheart.
17:43 I can't sell you a package that's opened.
17:45 - I opened it.
17:47 I'm the one who opened it.
17:49 - I'm sorry, baby, but I can't,
17:50 for insurance reasons.
17:52 - What insurance reasons?
17:53 What could possibly happen
17:55 with an open package of fuel filters?
17:57 - Fuel filters?
17:58 Honey, quick,
17:59 that jackass is buying all the fuel filters.
18:02 - What?
18:03 Leave some for us, jackass.
18:04 - I need a fuel filter.
18:06 What are they for?
18:07 I need one.
18:08 - Well, that man's buying 'em by the dozen.
18:10 - Somebody stop him!
18:12 [men shouting]
18:14 [train rumbling]
18:16 [metal clanging]
18:20 - Come on.
18:23 [train rumbling]
18:26 - Come on, let's go!
18:28 Move that truck.
18:29 My wife is stuck at Shiny Pines.
18:32 - I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
18:35 - My wife is in danger, dammit.
18:38 Now make something happen.
18:40 [whistle blows]
18:41 - Security!
18:42 - Bill, thank God.
18:44 Make this idiot let me pass.
18:46 - Now, just how would I do that, Hank,
18:48 with my blow dryer and my scissor comb?
18:51 - Bill, come on now.
18:53 - No, I'm sorry.
18:54 I must have a bad case of barber's ear.
18:57 I can't hear a word you say
18:59 until you address me as Sergeant D'Autrieve.
19:02 - Bill, please.
19:03 - [singing]
19:06 - All right, Sergeant D'Autrieve.
19:09 I don't know if I like your tone, private.
19:12 - What did I do to deserve this?
19:15 I didn't mean to curse my wife to hell.
19:19 [train whistling]
19:21 [groaning]
19:24 [train whistling]
19:27 - [groaning]
19:29 No!
19:31 [train whistling]
19:33 [train whistle blows]
19:35 [train whistle blows]
19:39 - Nancy Gribble here for Death Watch 97.
19:42 A level 5 tornado is headed right for Shiny Pines Trailer Park.
19:46 Shiny Pines residents, we urge you to remain calm.
19:50 However, if there are any personal issues
19:52 that you've been waiting to resolve
19:54 or if you've never experienced the miracle of lovemaking,
19:58 now might be the time.
20:00 [train whistling]
20:02 [train whistle blows]
20:04 - Peggy! Luanne! Where are you?
20:07 - Look, Dad, a bingo.
20:09 - The twister's coming!
20:11 Run for the radio!
20:14 - Peg, my son!
20:17 Peggy!
20:19 Peggy, are you in here?
20:21 - Peg! Over here!
20:23 - Peggy!
20:25 [train whistle blows]
20:27 - This is the moment I've been waiting for.
20:30 [train whistling]
20:32 [train whistle blows]
20:34 [train whistle blows]
20:36 - Look out!
20:38 [train whistling]
20:40 Hurry, Hank!
20:42 [train whistling]
20:44 [train whistle blows]
20:46 Hang on, Uncle Hank!
20:48 What on earth are you doing here?
20:50 - I came to find you!
20:53 I don't know how long I can hold on,
20:56 so I better say this now.
20:58 I feel terrible about what I said to you, Peggy.
21:02 I don't want you to go to hell.
21:05 I just--I--I mean, I--
21:08 I'm not good at this kind of thing.
21:11 - Go on. You're doing fine, sweetheart!
21:14 Don't edit yourself.
21:16 Just whatever comes, just let it come!
21:19 - You're my best girl!
21:21 I mean, you mean everything to me!
21:24 When we were apart today, that was hell!
21:28 I couldn't wake up in the morning
21:30 without your beautiful face beside me!
21:34 I love you!
21:37 And Bobby! And Luann!
21:40 To a lesser extent!
21:43 - I'll...
21:45 [train whistle blows]
21:47 Hang on!
21:49 - [screams]
21:51 [train whistle blows]
21:53 [clanking]
21:55 [train whistle blows]
21:57 [train whistle blows]
21:59 [train whistle blows]
22:01 [train whistle blows]
22:03 [train whistle blows]
22:05 [train whistle blows]
22:07 [clanking]
22:09 [clanking]
22:11 [train whistle blows]
22:13 - Hurry, Hank, hurry!
22:15 It's the eye of the storm!
22:17 Come to the shelter! Run!
22:20 - Uh, is Luann still alive?
22:25 Tell her to cover her eyes!
22:27 - They're covered!
22:29 - Oh, just run, you jackass!
22:31 - Don't tell me that old lady's in there, too!
22:34 - Oh, don't mind me.
22:36 I've seen a barrel of pickles in my day.
22:38 - Uh, all right, I'm coming.
22:42 - Mm.
22:44 Hmm.
22:46 [dramatic music]
22:48 ♪ ♪
23:09 [grunts]
23:12 [thud]
23:14 [gentle music]
23:16 - Well, you don't have a trailer anymore.
23:19 It's tipped over.
23:21 Guess you'll be staying with us from now on.
23:24 - Thanks, Uncle Hank.
23:26 ♪ ♪
23:32 You know what I'll never forget?
23:34 Was when Uncle Hank was naked.
23:38 That never happened.
23:40 - But the wind blew our clothes off.
23:42 - Not my underwear.
23:43 - Yes, it did.
23:45 - Not my underwear.
23:47 - Not his underwear.
23:50 ♪ ♪
23:58 [upbeat music]
24:01 ♪ ♪
24:08 ♪ ♪
24:13 ♪ ♪
24:18 ♪ ♪
24:23 ♪ ♪
24:28 ♪ ♪
24:34 Okay