Benidorm S01 E05 - Episode #1.5

According to Jim
According to Jim
  • last month
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31Storage place for jewels. Seven letters.
00:37Scrotum.
00:401991.
00:42John Parrott.
00:441985.
00:46Classic.
00:48Taylor Davis vinyl.
00:50Dennis Taylor wins on the black.
00:52Longest crucible frame ever, 69 minutes.
00:561977.
01:00John Spencer.
01:02No.
01:04Ray...
01:06Raiden! Ray Raiden! I was just about to say Ray Raiden!
01:09You're putting me off.
01:11How am I putting you off?
01:13Queen Metrology.
01:15I'm only reading the questions out.
01:17Queen Metrology, come on!
01:25Are you sure it was that one? The barman?
01:29That one's serving the drinks now.
01:31What a waste. Doesn't look queer.
01:34He doesn't leave his handbag on the bar in case it gets wet.
01:38And you caught him with one of them proper queer fellas.
01:41Yeah.
01:42What were they doing?
01:44I don't know. I couldn't see properly. It was dark.
01:47Well, I think it's disgusting.
01:51Was he bumming him?
01:53Do you mind? I've got a mouthful of nuts.
01:57That's probably what the barman said.
02:04Troy! Come and join us.
02:07Hiya.
02:08Gavin not down yet?
02:10No, he's not coming down.
02:12Everything OK?
02:13Not really. We had a bit of a row last night.
02:16That'll be the heat.
02:17The heat and unlimited alcohol does strange things to people.
02:22Last year, Jacqueline punched me in the face
02:25after a game of gin rummy.
02:28Accused me of cheating.
02:30Normally she wouldn't say boo to a goose, would you?
02:33Oh, no.
02:34You see, people do strange things on holiday.
02:37I bet you can't even remember what the argument was about, can you?
02:41Well...
02:42Now, you stay here and I'll go and get him.
02:45It's quiz night tonight and we need both of you on our team.
02:48What number are you? 22.
02:50Lunchtime.
02:52Do you play rummy?
02:53Oh.
02:54No.
02:55No, I don't.
02:56Oh.
03:08Look, it's quiz night tonight.
03:10That's when we thought it couldn't get any better.
03:12First prize to be awarded by Benidorm's number one children's entertainer,
03:16Ronnie Herbert.
03:17I haven't brought down sunblock.
03:20HE COUGHS
03:31It's OK. I'm a first aider.
03:35I need that water, please. Thank you.
03:45Are you OK?
03:47Am I OK?
03:49I was smoking that.
03:51What do you think you're playing at?
03:53I'm sorry, I thought it was best to put it out.
03:55They don't grow on trees, you know.
04:11According to Troy,
04:13he bumped into the barman near the pool on his way up to the apartment.
04:17He asked Troy to help him move some crates or something
04:20and then when he got behind the pool bar, the barman just jumped on him.
04:24Well, these things happen, don't they?
04:27No, they don't. Not until now.
04:30Listen, I don't know either of you very well,
04:33but I know a decent person when I see one.
04:36And you two lads are solid gold.
04:39Both of you.
04:40Which is more than you can say for that shifty sword.
04:44Come on, we need you on our team for the quiz tonight.
04:47I've always said there's no such thing as a straight man.
04:50It just shows you.
04:51Absolutely.
04:52I've always been comfortable with my sexuality,
04:55but very in touch with my feminine side.
04:58Oh, yes.
04:59In the late 60s, I had an old drinking partner,
05:02Martin Lucky James.
05:04Big lad, one of these bodybuilders.
05:07We used to go out on the lash, come back to his mum's in Galahill
05:10and Lucky would bugger me senseless.
05:14Great times.
05:24Next.
05:26From which country is coffee enan?
05:29Coffee enan. Not a beverage.
05:32It's the secretary of...
05:34I know who he is.
05:35Come on, you know this one.
05:37Garner.
05:38What are you doing? I was just about to say Garner.
05:41Well, that's all right, then.
05:43What do you mean, that's all right?
05:45You're supposed to wait for me to tell you the answer.
05:48But you said you knew it.
05:50Oh, well, that's going to be great, then, innit?
05:53When they're reading out the answers tonight and I say,
05:55don't worry about the blank ones I left,
05:57because I actually didn't know them.
05:59I just couldn't be arsed to fill them in.
06:01Well, I'm going to have a little sleep
06:03if you're going to be like this.
06:05Oh, brilliant.
06:07But don't worry about me.
06:09I said, don't worry about me,
06:11Lancashire pub quiz champion,
06:13being beat by a load of dickheads
06:15because my mum wanted a little sleep.
06:18I said...
06:22Unbelievable.
06:23Unbelievable.
06:37Dad, can we go to the beach?
06:40Mum, can we go to the beach?
06:42No, go and get an ice cream.
06:44Come on.
06:53What were it called?
06:54What?
06:55That stuff.
06:57Er, seafood paella.
06:59That's it.
07:00Paella.
07:01That's what they eat here, isn't it?
07:03The Spanish.
07:05I wasn't too keen on all that shite on the top, were you?
07:09Eh.
07:13I don't usually mind prawns, but not when they're looking at you.
07:17That rice tasted a bit funny as well.
07:25Oh, she's there, my mother, talking to that posh woman.
07:30She's not that posh.
07:32She's had that same wraparound skirt on for three days in a row.
07:39I wonder what she's saying to her.
07:42I wonder what she's saying to her.
07:46I said, I wonder what she's saying to me mother.
07:48She's probably asking to come and sit with us,
07:50cos she's heard how scintillating the conversation is.
07:52Do you want to talk? You've not set out all day.
07:54I'm on me holidays, I'm relaxing.
08:02Hey.
08:03Have a look.
08:05That other queer fella's back now.
08:07Mm.
08:09He doesn't look happy, the fat one.
08:12He does not look happy.
08:15Mind you, you wouldn't do.
08:20No.
08:22Mind you, what does he expect?
08:27Look at that George Michael.
08:29He doesn't mind where he does it, or who he's doing it with.
08:33Or who he's doing it with.
08:37He's nicer looking than George Michael, that barman.
08:42I mean how he is now, not when he was in Wham!
08:45Oh, for fuck's sake!
08:47I've read the same line on this page six times!
08:49What have you done that for?
08:51Cos of you banging on!
08:53Forget it.
08:54Where are you going?
08:55Toilet.
08:56Don't worry, if George Michael's in there,
08:58I'll be straight back out again.
09:00Believe me, you're better off without kids.
09:03Well, I'm not sure about that.
09:05I've got seven, all daughters.
09:07Not that you'd know, you never see sight nor sound of them.
09:12But your daughter brought you on holiday.
09:14She didn't bring me anywhere. I brought them on holiday.
09:17Oh, I see.
09:20Well, I think a daughter would be nice.
09:22Well, I'd get cracking if I were you.
09:24You're not exactly 21.
09:30Well, it's not quite as simple as that.
09:33No, I? What's wrong with you?
09:35Not me.
09:37Sorry about that. I eventually found the bottle.
09:39It was empty. Had to go to the shop.
09:41Not bad, really. Eight euros.
09:43Well, I'm not surprised his firing blanks were shorts that tight.
09:46He wants to get himself a pair of them baggy ones they're all wearing.
09:50Get some air between his bits.
09:52Let them breathe.
09:54Well, it's been very nice talking to you.
09:57I'd best be off, see what my grandkids are up to.
09:59See you later.
10:04Where is everybody?
10:06Tell them Michael are playing and Mick's gone to the toilet.
10:08Oh, I wish I could go. I've not been since Tuesday.
10:11What, to the toilet? It's Friday.
10:14Don't need to tell me that. I've been counting the hours.
10:19My mother's not been to the toilet since Tuesday.
10:21Why, is there no smoking in there?
10:23Don't you think you should see the doctor?
10:25What, out here? You must be joking.
10:27They won't have any English doctors, not out here.
10:30I'll wait till I get home, see Dr Kundu.
10:33But Dr Kundu's from Pakistan.
10:35Oh, yeah, but his wife's from Rotherham.
10:41Ma'am, there's a quiz night on tonight.
10:44Oh, right, lovely.
10:46No, but look, there's a prize if you win. Can we enter?
10:49What sort of prize?
10:50100 euro. How much is that?
10:52Nearly 70 quid.
10:53Oh, my God, Dad, if we win, can we go to the beach?
10:56Please, can we?
10:57What do you want to go to the beach for?
10:59We've got everything here, it's all inclusive.
11:01It's like being in prison.
11:02I know, but if we all enter as a team and we win,
11:05can we please go to the beach?
11:07Christ, if us lot win a quiz, I'll take you to Disneyland
11:09and make up the money myself.
11:10Oh, my God, we're going to Disneyland!
11:12Hey, hey, calm yourself down, you.
11:15All right, if we win, we're off to the beach deal.
11:18Oh, my God!
11:20Excellent, come on, let's go get a drink.
11:24What have you said that for?
11:26We've got as much chance of winning a quiz
11:28as my mother has of being clastonemic.
11:30Eh?
11:31I know, so when we don't win the quiz,
11:33that'll be an end to all the moaning about going to the beach.
11:36Aye, thank you.
11:47Good evening, lads and lasses.
11:48Good evening.
11:49I said good evening, lads and lasses.
11:53Once again, welcome to Neptune,
11:56where tonight it's quiz night!
12:02And if you would like to ring my bell,
12:05I do take travellers' cheques.
12:07So if you'd like to soar yourselves out,
12:09get your pens and your papers ready,
12:11the quiz is about to start in two minutes' time.
12:14Thank you!
12:23BELL RINGS
12:30Are you all right, son?
12:33I said, are you...
12:34I'm concentrating.
12:37But it's not started yet.
12:39Oh, no, it's not started yet.
12:42It's my pre-match warm-up.
12:48Well, your pudding's getting cold.
12:50Mother, please!
12:52Please!
13:09The liver is very good.
13:11I don't know what I fancy.
13:12Really, that's not the impression I got last night.
13:15Gavin, please.
13:16I was drunk and some dodgy Spanish waiter jumped me.
13:19And we should all be laughing about it.
13:21It's hilarious.
13:22At least it proves your theory.
13:27Oh, my God!
13:28What?
13:29Oh, look, the cabaret's arrived.
13:35He thinks the lady doth protest too much.
13:48Right, who's going to write the answers down?
13:50Me.
13:51I don't know where me glasses are.
13:53It's all right, I don't think that's going to be one of the questions.
13:59Are we going to do this quiz?
14:01I don't mind.
14:03Well, you never know, we might win.
14:05Look at the type of people here, I can't imagine the average score being very high.
14:09A bit like my sperm count.
14:11BELL RINGS
14:12Right, eyes down, look in,
14:14and your first question for the quiz tonight is
14:18which fictional character lives at 4 Privet Drive Little Whingey?
14:24Ooh, is that...?
14:25Shut up!
14:27You're taking the piss.
14:28Dad!
14:29Shh!
14:30Is it John Prescott?
14:32Fictional character.
14:33Dad!
14:34What sort of question's that?
14:36People on holiday aren't going to know that.
14:38Shabby with a moustache.
14:39Erm, Freddie Mercury.
14:43What?!
14:44It's Harry Potter.
14:47Are you sure?
14:48Yeah.
14:49Hey, bring it on!
14:50BELL RINGS
14:52Who first had a hit with Whispering Grass?
14:56Oh, it's, um...
14:57Abba.
14:58It's them off, um...
14:59Tape's half-hot, Mum.
15:00No, it isn't. I'll tell you who it is.
15:03Oh, what's his name, er, Don Something?
15:05Little, tiny bloke.
15:06The Ink Spots.
15:08Do you mean the munchkins?
15:09No, the Ink Spots.
15:111940, Whispering Grass.
15:13They were your father's favourites.
15:15Are you sure?
15:16Course I'm sure.
15:17Write it down!
15:19St Winifred's School Choir.
15:22Oh, he's a genius.
15:24BELL RINGS
15:26From which prehistoric period is the Diplodocus?
15:31I don't know.
15:33Oh, come on, you were bloody living there, weren't you?
15:35Oh, get off!
15:36It's so easy.
15:37I think it's Jurassic.
15:38No, it's not Jurassic Park.
15:40Erm, put down The Land That Time Forgot.
15:44I've heard it, I've heard it, I've heard it, I've heard it!
15:46Come on, I've heard it, I've heard it!
15:48What was the first James Bond film?
15:51I know that one.
15:53It's Goldfinger.
15:54Doctor No in 1963.
15:58But, um, do you want to play yourself?
16:01Well...
16:02Or would you want to ruin this for me?
16:04Who was Fanny Craddock?
16:07Didn't he do a whole movie with her?
16:09No, that was Fanny Nelson.
16:12A friend of Big Eric's on the sauna.
16:15Oh, shan't.
16:16She was a TV programmer.
16:18And now everybody else knows.
16:20I didn't say it.
16:22Well, try writing it yourself.
16:23I didn't say it.
16:24Or whispering.
16:26I did!
16:28BELL RINGS
16:30What was Elvis's middle name?
16:33Aaron.
16:34Aaron.
16:35BELL RINGS
16:36Who said,
16:37I have nothing to declare but my genius?
16:41Now, if you don't get that, you're thinking.
16:43That's Einstein.
16:45What's his name?
16:46Oscar Wilde.
16:47A bit controversial.
16:48Oscar Wilde.
16:49I can see him now.
16:50Oscar Wilde.
16:51Freddie Starr.
16:52BELL RINGS
16:53I'm a little nervous.
16:55I can't answer this.
16:56BELL RINGS
16:57BELL RINGS
16:58BELL RINGS
16:59BELL RINGS
17:00BELL RINGS
17:01BELL RINGS
17:02BELL RINGS
17:03BELL RINGS
17:04BELL RINGS
17:05BELL RINGS
17:06BELL RINGS
17:07BELL RINGS
17:08BELL RINGS
17:09BELL RINGS
17:10BELL RINGS
17:11BELL RINGS
17:12BELL RINGS
17:13BELL RINGS
17:14BELL RINGS
17:15And the final question, what is Swahili for no woodies?
17:21What is Swahili for no woodies?
17:24The little, the fat, the king.
17:26Pumba.
17:27What's his name?
17:28Pumba, Pumba.
17:29No, no, it's a character.
17:30Tell, tell, tell.
17:31Idi Amin.
17:32It's not a Wookiee.
17:34What is it, Michael?
17:35What is it?
17:36I'm gonna have to answer.
17:37BELL RINGS
17:38BELL RINGS
17:39BELL RINGS
17:40That's it, put your pens and paper down and pass your paper to the waiters as they pass
17:46the tables.
17:47Thank you very much.
17:48And our answers to the questions were, for question one, which fictional character lived
17:54at Fort Clifford Drive, little whinging, it was...
17:58Irene Potter!
17:59Irene Potter!
18:00Irene Potter!
18:01Irene Potter!
18:02Irene Potter!
18:03Who said I had nothing to declare but my genius was...
18:06Oscar Wilde.
18:07Oscar Wilde.
18:09I'd like to thank Noreen for all her support over the years.
18:18I'd like to thank Noreen, my PA, for all her support over the years.
18:23Albert Einstein once said that...
18:31And what was Swahili for, no worries, it was...
18:36Tata!
18:37Well, if you've been, you've been gone ages.
18:40Toilet.
18:41Well, you've been reading the answers out.
18:44BELL RINGS
18:45Give me a formality.
18:46BELL RINGS
18:47Now, the bit you've all been waiting for, in third place, on 27 points, is...
18:55The Powell family from Staffordshire.
18:58APPLAUSE
19:05And in second place, with 29 points, is...
19:09Geoff Mulby, also known as Yonical.
19:12CHEERING
19:14Second. Second.
19:17Our winners of the quiz tonight, on 30 points, from Lancashire, is...
19:24The Garveys!
19:25CHEERING
19:29No, no, no, no.
19:30Oh, no.
19:35Who are you? Who are you?
19:39You've miscounted.
19:41We've both got 30 points. It's a tie.
19:44You had Whispering Grass and Stonestelle and Windsor Davies.
19:48The answer is Inksports.
19:51You've both had Inksworth in.
19:53Huh? You've got it wrong.
19:55You've made a mistake.
19:58Hey, lad.
19:59Just give it to me, I'll show you.
20:01What are you giving here?
20:02Hey, hey, Gordo, get off the stage.
20:04Get off me!
20:05Get off me!
20:08Nobody beats the Yonical!
20:11Get off the stage, fat boy, you lost.
20:13Just admit you don't know everything, OK?
20:15Hiya!
20:17I might not know everything, but I know all about you!
20:20You've been shagging everyone!
20:23Him sat there. Yeah, you, sat with Mr Blobhead.
20:26Her sitting down there.
20:30Look, he's trying to book me now!
20:33Get off me, you Spanish puss!
20:38Get off!
20:39I've got his tablets in the office.
20:50I want a recount!
20:57WHISTLE BLOWS
21:11Come on, we're going upstairs.
21:18Oh, listen, Sue, you're going to have to go.
21:21You're not going to make it, you're poorly doing this.
21:24I'm a love-eating, Lancashire, pub quiz champion!
21:30Thank you!
21:34Pathetic! I'm tired! I want to lie down!
21:37Yes, well, sometimes...
21:39You're no mother to a champion!
21:41You don't deserve me!
21:43I spend all my time...
21:44Hope I'm adopted!
21:46We're going to the beach!
21:54THE END