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Short filmTranscript
00:00I do.
00:27Have you got something borrowed?
00:29I do.
00:32Have you got something blue?
00:33Apart from the veins in your legs.
00:35Leslie, as if I'm not nervous enough.
00:38I'm only messing with you, Mrs. Templesavage.
00:40Hey, that's the point.
00:41Will you be taking Monty's name?
00:43No.
00:44What is Monty's surname?
00:45Can you just sort my dress out, Leslie?
00:47This wedding is making me nervous wreck.
00:49I don't know where we're going.
00:50I don't know what we're doing.
00:51That's because it's a surprise.
00:53Yes, I know.
00:54Oh, I love a surprise, May.
00:56It makes things more exciting.
00:58It depends what they are.
00:59I've been subjected to Monty's surprises before.
01:10Hurry up!
01:12Monty, it's Spanish Bank.
01:14You are lucky if your car tax is still valid when I have finished.
01:17Will you shut up about the car tax?
01:23€210.
01:25This is all I have until the end of the month.
01:27Yeah, so you keep saying.
01:29Let's get to the marina before I lose my deposit.
01:34¡Madre mÃa!
01:56Oh, erm...
02:00Thanks.
02:02Sorry, erm...
02:04No money.
02:05All inclusive.
02:07No pockets in boxer shorts.
02:11What's he waiting for?
02:12I don't know.
02:14No change.
02:15Sorry.
02:16Very nice.
02:17Hey, you cheeky beggar.
02:19That's my wife.
02:24Well, at least he said very nice.
02:26This is our third breakfast in bed since we got here.
02:29Has he been having a gig at you every morning?
02:31Not that I've noticed.
02:32Yeah, well, no more.
02:34This is our 25th wedding anniversary holiday.
02:37You said I could have anything I wanted.
02:38Oh!
02:40It's not the money, it's peeping Pedro.
02:43Nobody needs that.
02:44Plus, I don't like to think of my dad eating on his own.
02:48If I want continental breakfast in bed every day, I'll have it.
02:52Yeah, that's another thing.
02:54Croissants and Danish pastries.
02:57I like a sausage in the morning.
02:59Mm, yeah, so do I.
03:01Oh, hang on, be careful.
03:03Just put this tray down first.
03:05Hang on, we're going to get crumbs everywhere.
03:07Oh, look at that!
03:19Rugger?
03:21Rugger!
03:27Rugger!
03:29Where are you?
03:34Rugger!
03:36Relax, my friend.
03:38Oh, good God, you frightened me.
03:41So much shouting and panic.
03:43Here, I've got the rest of the money.
03:45Money?
03:46The balance of the money for the boat.
03:48Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.
03:50We paid in full yesterday.
03:52You have lost your deposit.
03:54What? Harry? Who the bleeding hell's Harry?
03:56My name's Monty.
03:58Oi, where are you going?
04:00And what's this about a deposit?
04:02I paid you 700 euros at the beginning of the week and this is the rest.
04:06You show me your receipt and maybe we get to the bottom of this.
04:09You know I don't have a receipt.
04:11You gave me 500 euros off for cats.
04:14So you are 500 euros better off than you thought.
04:19You just listen to me.
04:21There is a problem.
04:22What are you doing here? I told you to keep an eye on the...
04:25Oh, my good God, the police are here.
04:27If I get a ticket...
04:28Relax.
04:29It's Raul and Rico. I went to school with them.
04:32Oh, OK.
04:33Well, maybe they could help settle this little argument about 700 euros.
04:38No problem.
04:40Raul, Rico.
04:42OK, OK.
04:44We sail directly on the clock of two.
04:46One minute late? Forget it.
04:51Are you sure you have my and Monty's mobile in case of emergency?
04:56If you think I'm going to ring you on your wedding day or your honeymoon, you must be crazy.
05:00Plus, what could go wrong in three days?
05:10Oh, my God.
05:11You never said anything about it being a double wedding.
05:14Oh, Mrs Temple Savage, you look champion.
05:18Leslie, what on earth are you doing?
05:21What do you mean?
05:22Why are you wearing white? It's supposed to be me getting married.
05:26Oh, I thought it was kind of an off-white bordering on ivory, don't you think?
05:32It's snow white.
05:34I need to dig out a receipt for my laser eye surgery.
05:38Oh, bloody hell. Which one of you is this supposed to be getting married?
05:42Don't you start as well.
05:43You're meant to catch the bouquet, Leslie, not wrestle it off the bride before she gets married.
05:47Oh, I forgot. Those are yours.
05:51Oh, don't you look smashing.
05:54Are you going anywhere nice on your honeymoon?
05:57The whole thing's a surprise.
05:59All she's got's her passport and a clean pair of knickers.
06:02Oh, that's all I dare with me now.
06:04Although I've got a lot further without my knickers than I have without my passport.
06:11OK, the car's arriving in ten minutes. Where's my suitcase?
06:15Don't panic, it's gone on ahead.
06:17Right, ten minutes. I've just got time for a witch's kiss.
06:21This dress has got more undercarriage than a 747.
06:26Do either of you know what's happening today?
06:29No idea. Time for a swift one, though, before the car gets here.
06:32Oh, you don't mind if I ride with you and Matteo, do you, Joyce?
06:35I mean, we're only going as far as the...
06:38Wherever it is, we're going.
06:43OK, you are ready, Miss Templer-Savage.
06:47Matteo?
06:48Yes?
06:49Your suit.
06:53He's not right. He's Monty's choice.
06:56He's very right. You look beautiful.
07:00Hey, it's your wedding day. I should be saying these things to you.
07:04That's true.
07:08OK, we ready to go?
07:10Oh, wait for me.
07:11Here we go, Mrs T. Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.
07:18Shall we?
07:19You have got mine and Monty's mobile, haven't you?
07:22Go! Have a lovely day!
07:29Have you got everything?
07:30Of course I have. It's in the van. Do you want me to bring it all in now?
07:32No, not in the front. Bring it round back.
07:34Oh, you smell incredible.
07:36So do you. Did you jog here?
07:38Come on, hurry up.
07:46Oh, you've finally surfaced.
07:48We're all on holiday, Dad. We don't have to stick to a timetable.
07:51You'll get sleeping sickness.
07:53We weren't sleeping.
07:55What have you been doing all morning?
07:58Bloody hell.
08:00Your father was always very fond of holiday sex.
08:04When I eventually found out who he was having it with,
08:06I strung the bastard up by his knackers.
08:12When does our Rob get here?
08:13Tomorrow.
08:14He's not coming straight here, is he?
08:16How do you mean?
08:17He'll need to be inoculated before he gets here.
08:20Inoculated?
08:21He's been in jungle for the past three months.
08:24Do you really think Hortel's going to want him swimming in that pool
08:27frothing at the mouth with Berry Berry?
08:29He's been backpacking in South America, not skinny-dipping in the Ganges.
08:33I bet you don't even know where Ganges are.
08:36Of course I bloody do, or else I wouldn't have said it.
08:39Where are they, then?
08:42Well, does it really matter?
08:44He'll doubt wrong with him and he'll be here tomorrow.
08:46With his new fancy woman?
08:48It's not a... fancy woman. It's just a friend.
08:51You said it was his girlfriend.
08:53Oh, whoever it is, they won't be here till tomorrow.
08:56I'll go to the bar before we all die of thirst.
09:04Champagne.
09:07Bluetooth headphones.
09:09An Xbox.
09:12A laptop.
09:14We can have enough profit for my cup.
09:16Oh, don't worry. This is all just for show.
09:19But people have to win.
09:20I know they call you dodgy, Dave,
09:22but if you're suggesting we have a raffle where no-one wins the prize,
09:25I think we're redefining the word dodgy.
09:27You are so sexy when you get angry.
09:29Dave.
09:30We do it all the time.
09:32Darren wins the Xbox, Denise wins the champagne,
09:35Dean wins the headphones and Dan wins the laptop.
09:38It runs like clockwork.
09:39And who are all these people?
09:41My kids.
09:42This sort of thing, you've got to keep it in the family.
09:44So what happens when the people on holiday realise none of them have won?
09:48That's when the knock-off perfume comes in.
09:50Between every big prize, a regular punter wins a bottle of smelly.
09:53Yeah, but it is smelly and all.
09:55Well, not the real thing, of course.
09:57Of course.
09:58But they like to keep all of it and give it to someone at home.
10:00One less present to buy at Duty Free, innit?
10:02But none of the guests in the hotel win a big prize.
10:04Isn't that a bit fishy?
10:06Brains as well as beauty.
10:08You are driving me mental.
10:11Dave.
10:12That's where the star prize comes in.
10:14Whoever wins this, we tell them it'll cost them a fortune to ship it home.
10:18So we offer them a few bottles of perfume instead.
10:20Just don't sell any tickets to anyone that lives here.
10:23Strictly holidaymakers only.
10:25Looks like you've got it all sorted.
10:27Well, we do need someone to sell the raffle tickets.
10:30Someone with charm, sophistication, beauty.
10:33Cracking pair of...
10:34Dave, for God's sake, you're old enough to be my dad.
10:36Lungs, I was going to say. Cracking pair of lungs.
10:39You need the gift of the gab to sell a load of raffle tickets.
10:42Right. Well, I'd better get on with it, then.
10:45This stuff will all be safe in here until tonight.
10:48We keep it locked.
10:49I should hope so. There's a lot of dodgy people about.
10:51Mm.
10:58CHEERING
11:13You didn't have to get up. I can manage.
11:15What if it's a bloke?
11:16It's not a bloke.
11:18Why has our Rob never said she or her in his texts?
11:21Well, he hasn't said he or him either.
11:23I mean, it makes no difference to me.
11:25My dad and Loretta, they're from a different generation.
11:28Oh, I see. So it's me mum and Eddie you're worried about?
11:31Yeah.
11:32Well, my mother is the biggest fag had going.
11:34She'd love it if our Rob's fallen for a six-foot-bronze
11:37South American hunk called Sid.
11:39It's that name. Sid.
11:41We've been over this. It's C-Y-D, as in Sid Cherise.
11:45I know, but what if in South America, Sid is...
11:49Well...
11:50Sid.
11:52Well, I'm excited.
11:55I've never been to a gay wedding.
11:57Oh, Sharon. Sharon.
12:01Congratulations.
12:02Oh, thank you. Very kind.
12:04I'll give it to the wife later.
12:06And the cigar.
12:10Where the bleeding hell are they?
12:12Harry, you know it is ten minutes before the clock at two, yeah?
12:16Now, listen to me, Rutger.
12:17I've got one thing to say to you. My name is not...
12:20All right, come on. Get on board.
12:22All aboard, everybody.
12:23Shift on. Yeah. Come on, let's be having...
12:27What the bloody hell do you want?
12:29Oh, dear.
12:30Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
12:32Do you mind? This is a private party.
12:34I've been sent by the church.
12:36Oh, it's a donation you want.
12:39It's bleeding marvellous, isn't it?
12:41Sir Henry Barrington Codswallop, a messenger from God.
12:45Well, you can tell the priest that...
12:48Priest? Where's the bleeding priest?
12:50How am I supposed to get married without a priest?
12:52I was called by the church this morning.
12:54The priest has lost his voice.
12:56I was asked to officiate a marriage on Peacock Island.
12:59Believe me, had I known it was you...
13:00No. Never.
13:02There's got to be somebody else.
13:04You are not marrying me and Joyce.
13:06Five minutes until the clock of two.
13:10Off I cried out, lad.
13:11Also, get on the boat. Come on.
13:13And stay away from me until we get to the island.
13:23Oh, no.
13:26Hang on. Two ticks.
13:35Bloody hell, you've pushed the boat out here, Monty.
13:38You get it, there? Pushed the boat out.
13:43Oh, look at that. Fabulous.
13:45Do you know what? I was going to wear my sailor outfit,
13:47but I thought I don't want to spoil any surprises.
13:53Oh!
13:57Thank you. No worries.
14:01Can someone please tell me what's going on?
14:04Are we not getting married on a boat?
14:06No, my darling, we're getting married on Peacock Island.
14:10Peacock Island? Is that a joke?
14:13OK, I will go. You don't like Peacock Island, my angel?
14:16Have you ever been to Peacock Island?
14:18Well, not exactly, but the catering staff were there this morning
14:21and they haven't complained. And where's the honeymoon?
14:23Oh, now, that is a surprise.
14:25No, Monty, no more surprises.
14:27And for all the time you have known me, have you ever seen me on a boat?
14:30What exactly? It's something new.
14:32The reason you haven't seen me on a boat
14:34is I suffer from chronic seasickness.
14:37One minute until the clock of dawn.
14:39Come on, we're getting on board.
14:41No! No, I don't...
14:43Come on, get up the steps. Get up the steps.
14:45I'm here now. Go on. No!
14:52So, that's Friday at ten o'clock.
14:55OK, bye-bye.
14:58Oh, I'm sorry, we're not taking walk-ins today.
15:02Unless it's a quick wash and blow you're after.
15:06I was wondering if... well, if Kenneth was around.
15:10No, love, he's at a wedding.
15:12I can't go on like this.
15:14Oh, it's not that bad. It only needs a bit of a trim.
15:17I desperately need help.
15:19Do you fancy a number two all over?
15:21Even I can do that, nice and fresh for the summer.
15:24I've nowhere else to turn.
15:26Have you tried headburns in the indoor market?
15:29Oh, God!
15:31Oh!
15:33Come on. Come on, sit down.
15:36Come on. Oh, thank you. So kind of you.
15:40Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:50I'll put the kettle on.
15:53I won't be a minute.
15:55Nice hot tea.
16:00HE GROANS
16:10You all right, love?
16:12Mind her dress.
16:16Big roll, anybody?
16:21Oh, I'm no good on an empty stomach, Leslie.
16:23Lucky I've not had one of them since the mid-'80s.
16:26I can have your attention, ladies and gentlemen.
16:33I'd like to apologise today for this slightly rough crossing.
16:40This is due to a slight north-easterly breeze.
16:45For God's sake, will you stop puking down the side of the boat?
16:48It's not as though we can run it through a car wash on the way back.
16:51He's going too fast.
16:53You what? He's going too fast.
16:55Look, there are speed limits in place, my darling, even here on the mend.
16:59He can't be going faster than those.
17:06Oh, I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.
17:08No, darling, the sooty's got to get back to the shop by six.
17:14Oh, my God.
17:16Land ahoy!
17:18Women and children first.
17:20They're men who look like women.
17:22HE CHUCKLES
17:26There's no chance, Monty. Absolutely no way.
17:29But Sir Henry's the only person on the island who can marry us.
17:32And that's another thing. What on earth possessed you to bring us here?
17:35Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.
17:37Oh, it is a bloody awful one.
17:39Oh, don't be like that, Joyce.
17:41I hate boats.
17:43I can't stand the thought of being stranded on an island.
17:45I don't know half the people here.
17:47I'm being married by the only man apart from you
17:49that has kissed me in the last ten years.
17:51Where did Sir Henry kiss you?
17:53Up the consulate.
17:55No, I mean, we're... What does it matter?
17:57On the cheek.
17:59Oh, Monty, I just...
18:02I just wanted today to be perfect.
18:05Joyce, today may not be perfect,
18:08but I know something that is.
18:11You.
18:14Oh, Monty.
18:16SCREAMS
18:18Ah!
18:20SCREAMS
18:24Oh, Mr Persavis, are you OK?
18:26Oh, bloody hell, Mrs Kay.
18:29That's one hell of a shite.
18:31Bugger knows what these singles have been eating.
18:34Come on, let's get you sorted.
18:46Can you hurry up in there, please?
18:48Hurry up in there, please. This is an emergency.
18:55Oh.
18:57I'll give that minute if I were you, love.
18:59Only when you leave I'll need to love you
19:03And when the action...
19:06Come on, let's get this flock sorted.
19:11All I ask is that you pass on my business proposal to Kenneth
19:16if he'll consider it.
19:18Of course, I realise, after what happened between us,
19:22he may not even entertain the idea,
19:24but I...I really have nowhere else to turn.
19:27Another thing is, it's not up to Kenneth.
19:30It's not? No.
19:32I'm the major shareholder in Blongo Industries Limited.
19:36You are? Mm-hm.
19:38Ah, fascinating.
19:40Ooh. Very good beef tea, by the way.
19:43Yes, I've always been interested in business.
19:47My late husband Donald had his finger in a lot of pies
19:52and a few other things as well.
19:55So what do you think of the idea of a dental surgery here in Blow & Go?
20:02Well, obviously I'd have to think about it.
20:06Shall we schedule a breakfast meeting about it sometime next week?
20:11Or I could bring my gear in from the van that's waiting outside.
20:17Well, I wouldn't want to... A van that I'm paying for by the hour.
20:21Well, it wouldn't be that simple.
20:23There's quite a lot of rubbish in that back room to clear out.
20:28Oh, you'll do that in no time, big, strong girl like you.
20:32No, I'm sorry, Mr Cain, but I can't...
20:36I have a year to live.
20:38Oh, I beg your pardon?
20:40Obviously I'd hate that to sway your decision,
20:43but I need to get my life back on track before it's too late.
20:49Will you help me, Jacqueline?
20:52Oh, well, I suppose you could store your stuff in the back room to begin with.
20:58You're an angel sent from heaven.
21:04Right, I've got a few calls to make, but I'll get the chaps to unload the van
21:07so you can make a start on the back room.
21:09Your late husband was a very lucky man.
21:12That really was an exceptional beef tea.
21:19Spit spot.
21:29Oh, bloody hell!
21:38MUSIC PLAYS
21:49Have you got your raffle tickets yet?
21:51Oh, what raffle's that, love?
21:53Is it the luggage raffle?
21:55Take your ticket and hope you get your suitcases back.
21:58I'm sorry?
21:59You lost his cases last year, but he doesn't like to talk about it.
22:02No, it's the best raffle in Benidorm.
22:04A pair of sparkles, branded perfumes, gold watch
22:07and the mystery star prize worth 1,500 euros.
22:10How much are the tickets?
22:12One euro a ticket, five euro a strip.
22:14Here you are, love, five euros.
22:17Muchas gracias.
22:18Go on, I'll have a fiver's worth as well.
22:22Two strips for me, love.
22:26One for me, please.
22:28Five euros.
22:29No, no, I mean one ticket.
22:30What's the point in buying one ticket?
22:32There's only one ticket's going to win the 1,500 euro mystery prize.
22:36Just give him five.
22:38I don't want five tickets.
22:40Titus, man, I'll lie.
22:42It's a false economy.
22:43With five tickets, you get 500% more chance of winning the big prize.
22:47Plus I don't have any change.
22:49Oh, for God's sake, give us a five.
22:52Thanks.
22:53The draw's tonight in Neptune's eight o'clock shop.
22:59I've been pressured into this.
23:01I'm not happy.
23:02You're determined to enjoy yourself on this holiday, aren't you?
23:24Oh, sorry, sorry.
23:25Hang on, hang on, hang on.
23:27Hang on, hang on.
23:32Here, here.
23:33Sorry.
23:50You look amazing.
23:53Not you.
23:54Sit down, you great tit.
24:02This place at which we are now met has been duly sectioned...
24:07Sorry, sanctioned.
24:09I should have brought my glasses.
24:12According to law, for the celebration of marriages,
24:15we are gathered here today to witness the joining in matrimony
24:19of Joyce Skinhead Temple Savage...
24:22Oh, Sinead.
24:24Sorry?
24:25My middle name is Sinead. You just said Skinhead.
24:28Did I?
24:29I'm terribly sorry.
24:30Oh, I've got an old pair of readers.
24:32Do you want to have a borrow of them?
24:34Oh, yes. Thank you.
24:44..of Joyce Sinead Temple Savage
24:48and Montgomery John Thomas Daines.
25:01MUSIC
25:06Now, Monty and Joyce have exchanged their vows
25:09and pledged their commitment each to the other
25:12and have declared the same by joining hands and by exchanging rings.
25:17It now only remains to ask if there is any person or persons present
25:21who objects to this marriage.
25:23Let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
25:31Anyone?
25:35Anyone at all? Speak now,
25:38because forever is quite a long time to hold your peace.
25:41Just get on with it.
25:46By the power vested in me by God and man,
25:49and the Mayor of Benidorm, of course,
25:54I pronounce you husband and wife.
25:56You may now kiss the bride.
26:00Yay!
26:06Yay!
26:12Joyce, I'm sorry this hasn't been a perfect wedding,
26:15but I think I used up all my luck and good fortune when I met you.
26:19You don't think I'm going to keep falling for your smooth lines,
26:22do you, Monty?
26:23You don't have to. I've got you now.
26:26I've got my wife.
26:29My beautiful wife.
26:34So true
26:36Funny how it seems
26:38Always in time
26:40But never in mind for dreams
26:44Head over heels
26:46When toe to toe
26:49This is the sound
26:52Of my soul
26:55This is the sound
26:59Bought a ticket to the world
27:04But never come back again
27:09When you're finding it hard to ride the next line
27:13I want you to be saved
27:18Ha ha ha
27:21Ooh, I know this much is true
27:28Ha ha ha
27:31Ooh, I know this much is true
27:38Excuse me. Are there any more boat trips today?
27:41No. No more boat trips until tomorrow morning
27:45at 30 minutes past the clock of ten.
27:57Happy wedding day, Harry.
28:05I must say, it was Kenny's Uncle Herbert who turned me on
28:08to what they now call Cowell White.
28:12Oh, well, I suppose I could get a host of them.
28:16Right, first client in 20 minutes.
28:19We'd better put some kind of a sign outside, I suppose,
28:22now that we're official.
28:30You say to Mr Wu you just want to fill up on chips and rice.
28:35I said no such thing.
28:37Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
28:39You calling Mr Wu liar, liar, pants on fire?
28:43I just remembered what we said.
28:45You asked me which banquet I wanted.
28:47I said I want the full Monty, chips and rice.
28:51Monty going to be more than full on 75 portions of chips and rice.
28:55Chips and rice. Chips and rice.
28:59That means I'm wanting everything.
29:01Mr Wu give you everything you asked for.
29:04You got chips and rice.
29:07You don't understand. It's a saying.
29:10No, you don't understand.
29:12Mr Wu got to go now.
29:14My son picking me up on his jet ski.
29:16But you pay your bill by tomorrow or you will have had your chips.
29:21That's another saying.
29:23You get it? Had your chips.
29:38What did he say?
29:40There's been a slight misunderstanding.
29:43Rice and chips.
29:45I like to think of it more as chips and rice.
29:48We can say it's a metaphor.
29:50Our guests weren't expecting a metaphor.
29:53They're expecting a three-course lunch.
29:55Oh, look at that. Bloody typical.
29:58On the day I'm supposed to start my no-carb diet.
30:01Oh, well, tomorrow's another day.
30:04Mmm. Lovely chips, though.
30:06You're not eating, love?
30:08I'm going under my speech.
30:10No, you mean over it.
30:12It's what I'm saying.
30:14Let's have a look.
30:22Oh, my God.
30:24You're actually going to say all this?
30:26Yes. I get it from the interweb.
30:28It's not horrible.
30:30It's tradition for the best man to be rude about the bride, no?
30:34Yes. Oh, yes, love.
30:36Oh, it's brilliant material.
30:38I can't wait to hear this.
30:40BELL RINGS
30:44Can we have the best of order, please,
30:46for the honorary best man for the bride,
30:50Mr Matthew Castellanos.
30:53APPLAUSE
30:56Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
30:58It is my pleasure to be giving you
31:01the traditional best man speech.
31:04Joyce Temple Savage.
31:08What a slag.
31:14Joyce has had so much to say
31:17and so much to do
31:19that she has no time to rest.
31:23Joyce has had so many men in her life,
31:27for her 40th birthday,
31:29her vagina was fitted with a turnstile.
31:33I am not saying she is easy,
31:36but she has been cocked more times than John Wayne's gun.
31:42John Wayne is a famous cowboy...
31:45who has a gun.
31:47At college, she had so many balls in her mouth
31:51she was known as the Hungry Hippo.
31:54This is not because she is fat.
31:57It's a game for children.
32:01I hope Monty and Joyce enjoy their honeymoon in Wales.
32:05I think this is where they are going
32:08because Monty said after the wedding
32:11he's going to Bangor for a few days first.
32:14Bangor is a town in Wales which is in England.
32:20Monty, you were there with a lovely speech
32:23highlighting our bride.
32:25Fabulous.
32:26Sensual for your mind.
32:28Now could we have your appreciation for the groom?
32:38Believe it or not,
32:40this has been the happiest day of my life.
32:43I can appreciate that it's probably not yours.
32:46Let's face it, the whole thing's been a complete disaster.
32:49None taken.
32:51Oh, not you, Tony.
32:55But there is one thing Monty Staines is well known for,
32:59and that is snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
33:04What say we all go back to the Salona early
33:07and have a good old-fashioned Benidorm knees up?
33:10CHEERING
33:14After which I'll be taking my beautiful bride
33:18on the ten o'clock flight to Venice for our honeymoon.
33:23Venice? Really?
33:26Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Blushing Bride!
33:30The Blushing Bride!
33:33APPLAUSE
33:41Oh, bloody hell, Joyce, have you got a phone signal?
33:44It's in my bag.
33:46Are you trying to get a phone signal?
33:48Good luck with that, love.
33:49I've been off line from Grindr for three hours.
33:51People will think I'm dead.
33:52Who are you trying to ring?
33:54The boat.
33:55I told Rutger to come back at 7.30,
33:57but that's another two hours stranded here.
34:00I don't know.
34:02Has anybody out there got any sort of a phone signal?
34:10Bloody hell, Tony Hedley!
34:13Come on.
34:22Wait, wait, wait!
34:24Come back!
34:25Come back!
34:27They're boat. He's turning around.
34:32He's coming back. He's coming back!
34:38I told you he'd want an encore in the end.
34:42Thank you for coming home
34:45Sorry that the chairs are all worn
34:48I'll let them hear...
34:49We need a lift back to Benidorm!
34:52These are my Saturdays
34:55Slowly being eaten away
34:58Just another play for today
35:01Oh, but I'm proud of you
35:04Proud of you
35:06And nothing left to make me feel small
35:09Rutger's taking me steady
35:11So it's all...
35:13Come back!
35:18Gold!
35:19Come back!
35:20Always believe in your soul
35:23You've got the power to know
35:26You're indestructible
35:28Always believe in...
35:31Tony!
35:32Tony!
35:41Still haven't heard from our Geordie
35:43Oh, don't be mithering her today
35:45It's her first day filming, innit?
35:46Oh, that should be finished by now
35:48Oh, I keep forgetting we're an hour ahead
35:50Still, I suppose it's an improvement on putting them up chimneys
35:54I'm sorry?
35:55Child labour
35:57I suppose if she'd have been born in India
36:00She'd be sewing footballs manacled to her worktop
36:03So we should be thankful for small nurses
36:06What's he talking about?
36:07Dad, how much have you had to drink?
36:09I've had no alcohol today
36:12Just a few lagers
36:15It's so strange, our Geordie being the breadwinner for the family now
36:19I beg your pardon?
36:21She's not the breadwinner
36:23She's doing a dog food commercial in Germany
36:25Same one she did last year
36:26Exactly
36:27And if they hadn't renewed the option at such short notice
36:29She would have been here on this holiday with us
36:31Exactly
36:32She's following her dream
36:34Exactly
36:35Plus, we've promised to take her to the Eden Project when we get back
36:38Oh, I bet she'll look forward to that
36:42Why have a holiday in Spain with sun, sea and sangria
36:45When you can watch caterpillars in pissing rain?
36:49She doesn't drink sangria, she's ten
36:52That's just it
36:54You don't know what she's doing in Hitler's heartland
36:57With the drama teacher, Miss Lesbian Friends
37:00Smoking a cigar in her comfortable shoes
37:03What?
37:04Still, I suppose she's safer than our Robert
37:07Uplifting Popo without a paddle
37:09Right, that's it
37:12We're not lying here listening to this rubbish
37:14Sharon
37:18Look what you've done now
37:22I'll see you in Neptune's
37:24All right
37:26Well, you'll let me have a read of that book when you've finished
37:29What book's that?
37:30How to Win Friends and Influence People
37:42Just out of interest, where are the people who run Tea Cocktail?
37:46It was 500 euros extra to have staff
37:49It was cheap to bring our own
37:51But there must have been someone here when we got here today
37:53Yeah, Mr Wu and Tony Hadley
37:55Oh, well done for that, by the way
37:57Oh, top booking, fabulous
37:59Thanks
38:00I dabbled in artist management in the early 80s
38:03Got very close to signing Topal
38:06I was talking about Mr Wu
38:08Fabulous chips
38:10How are we going to find out what's happened to the boat?
38:12I don't think anything's happened to the boat
38:14I just think he's not coming back
38:16Why would he not come back to get us?
38:18Ah, because you threatened him with the police
38:21You did what?
38:22Hang on a minute
38:23The police were your friends
38:25Why did you threaten the owner of the boat with the police?
38:27Of course he's not coming back
38:29You don't understand
38:30He was an absolute bastard who tried to screw me for 700 euros
38:35And yet you still hire a boat from him
38:37Oh, shut up, you don't understand
38:39I beg your pardon
38:41I'm sorry, my darling, I didn't mean to shout at you
38:44Excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude
38:46But I think you need a strong swimmer
38:48A swimmer?
38:49To swim to Benidorm
38:51It's approximately three kilometres
38:53You just need a strong swimmer
38:55Someone brave enough to take on dear old Mother Med
38:57And to sacrifice their own safety for the benefit of others
39:00And you're volunteering?
39:02Christ on a bike, no, I'm not that stupid
39:04Anyway, I'm absolutely terrified of water
39:06Spent the whole trip here in the toilet with my eyes closed
39:09Then just go away!
39:13He's right, mate
39:15That's exactly what we need
39:17Yeah, but who will do such a thing?
39:19Yeah, but who will do such a thing?
39:30Kenneth?
39:31Kenneth, what are you doing?
39:33Oh, don't be ridiculous, mate!
39:36No, no, no, no, no
39:37Kenneth! Come back here!
39:39Stop him!
39:41Stop him!
39:48Don't laugh at me
39:50Because I'm a fool
39:52I am who I am
39:54Oh, yes!
39:57I know it's true
39:59Yes, I'm a fool
40:03So, what time does our robber arrive tomorrow?
40:06Early afternoon, I think
40:07Their connection's in London
40:10What's his girlfriend's name again?
40:12Somewhat weird, isn't it?
40:14Eric or something?
40:16Sid, as in Sid Cherise
40:19And he hasn't said Sid's his... girlfriend
40:23They could just be friends for all we know
40:24We shouldn't jump to conclusions
40:26Well, if they're just friends, what the bloody hell is he bringing her in for?
40:30Because people of the opposite sex can be just friends, you know
40:34Haven't you ever had a male friend that you've never had sex with?
40:37Oh, don't bother answering that
40:40Where's the rest of your tickets?
40:42I've sold them
40:43Who to?
40:44Does it matter?
40:45I was coerced into buying all them tickets
40:48Lucky 100, that's all I need
40:50And you watch, he'll end up winning the jam he gets
40:54Because I'm a fool
40:56I am who I am
40:58Oh!
40:59So, you pick me at random to do the draw
41:01And I'll do all the jiggery-pokery to make sure the right tickets come out
41:04Dave, are you all right?
41:05You look like you're about to explode
41:07I took the family on the beach today and we all fell asleep
41:10Oh, it'll calm down in a few days
41:12Don't you worry about me
41:13I'm not worried about you
41:14You just look like a dog's dick with eyes
41:16Listen, Sam
41:17We might have to calm down the old flirting tonight
41:19The wife's in
41:20Dave, we don't flirt
41:21It's just you who persistently dribbles on my knockers
41:24God, I love it when you talk dirt
41:27Yes, I'm a fool
41:29So, here's to our new business venture, hmm?
41:34The Solano Dental Studio incorporating blow-and-go hair salon
41:39Well, to be fair, while we're on this trial run, I think...
41:42Cheers
41:45Yes
41:48Stanley, would you do me a favour?
41:50Of course, Jacqueline
41:51After all the kindness you've shown me
41:54Well, when Kenneth gets back, do you mind if I'm the one...
41:58Sorry to interrupt, but I don't suppose you could lend me 50 euros, could you?
42:0350 euros?
42:04Well, I don't know, really
42:06What's it for?
42:07Well, I've got a few niggling errands to run in the morning
42:12And 50 euros should cover it
42:14Unless you've got some more
42:16I've got 70 euros
42:17Well, that's perfect
42:19Jacqueline, you are a brick
42:21I honestly don't know what I would have done without you today
42:24It appears my luck is finally starting to change
42:28Cheers
42:30Cheers
42:34God, I'm a bone
42:41Thank you
42:48Kenneth, are you absolutely sure about this?
42:51Oh, don't be fooled by this generous yet well-proportioned physique, Joyce
42:55When do you ever see a skinny mini swim in the Channel?
42:57Never, because they need a layer of fat to get them to France
43:00Where are you swimming to? Norway?
43:03Kenneth, you're sure you can do this?
43:05Oh, don't worry about me, Matteo
43:07I'm at the top of my swimming club
43:09When was this?
43:101978, love
43:19You'll never make it
43:20I hope not
43:28Go on, Kenneth, lad!
43:34Another lucky winner there of a big money prize
43:38All right, son, piss off, don't milk it
43:41This is for the gold watch, ladies and gentlemen
43:44Okey-dokey
43:46Here we go, here we go, here we go
43:50And the winner is...
43:53Blue 489
43:55Blue 489
43:57We have a winner!
43:59Blue 489
44:01We have a winner!
44:05Thanks, Dad
44:12Dave, you absolute dick
44:14All your lot are sticking out like sore thumbs
44:17The punters are smelling of rats
44:19They've got no proof, just get on with it
44:22And this is for the star prize
44:25An upright mobility scooter worth over 1,500 euros
44:33And the number is yellow 101
44:37Oh, yes, it's me, I've won
44:43Oh, it's wonderful, I love it
44:47She's a bit of a brute
44:48Very heavy
44:49It could cost you a good couple of hundred euros to get that home
44:52Or we could offer you ten bottles of top-quality perfumes instead
44:56No need, I am home
44:58I have a new dental surgery in the Solana
45:05I told you not to sell any tickets to staff
45:10Cheers, Eddie
45:11Cheers
45:14Fantastic!
45:16Hey, this perfume stinks of cactus
45:23Oh, it's a text from our Robert
45:25Is he all right?
45:26Of course he's all right
45:28Just boarding in Bogota, I'll see you tomorrow
45:31My beautiful Sid says...
45:35Says what?
45:37Says what?
45:46What does she say?
46:07Has Kenneth made it?
46:09We're back in Benidorm next Wednesday at the same time
46:13More fun, games and guest appearances with our favourite Geordie duo
46:18Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, Saturday night at 7
46:36Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg