According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30BIRDS CHIRP
00:34HE GROANS
00:40These sunbeds are never-ending.
00:43You really shouldn't be doing this at your age.
00:46Is there no-one to help you, Dad?
00:48Not really, young'un. With all these cutbacks,
00:50we seem to be permanently short-staffed.
00:52I know what you mean.
00:53I'm the only one putting out these leaflets for blow and go.
00:55Kenneth's been no help at all.
00:57I know you're busy, but what about a helping hand?
00:59Oh, thanks, Dad. That's very kind of you.
01:03I'll see you later.
01:05No, I meant...
01:09Oh, bloody hell!
01:21Oh, no!
01:29HE GROANS
01:42Oh, my God.
01:44Oh, I'm never drinking again.
01:49HE GROANS
01:59Zak?
02:01Zak, are you in the bog?
02:09What...?
02:16What's taught me...?
02:23This one is Theramithica.
02:25It's like theme park. Do you like exciting rides?
02:28Not really.
02:30Excuse me, I've got an emergency.
02:32OK, then maybe this one for you.
02:34Aqualandia.
02:36It's a water park. Do you like to get wet?
02:39No, my friend's allergic to water.
02:41How can this be?
02:42Is anybody else here? I've been robbed!
02:44Can you please have some manners?
02:48For this one, I can arrange a discount
02:50for the very prettiest girls.
02:52Email your number and I'll call you.
02:55Why don't you go?
02:57They do a discount for pensioners as well.
02:59What?
03:01Mate, please, can you help me?
03:03What is that written on your head?
03:05I don't know. I woke up like this.
03:07Can I use your phone to call the UK?
03:09Are you crazy? I won't pay when you go.
03:11Not your mobile. I mean the Hotel One.
03:14I've been robbed. Everything's been taken.
03:16My phone, my wallet, all my money, my credit cards.
03:19Is there any way I could use your phone, please?
03:22What's going on here?
03:24Apparently the pool is covered in leaflets.
03:26Could you sort it, please?
03:28Joyce Temple Savage, Solana Manageress.
03:30Can I help you?
03:31He wants to use the phone.
03:33I did not realise we are now labelling all the guests individually.
03:36It's a good idea.
03:38Mateo, the pool.
03:41I need to use your phone.
03:45Please?
03:47Hello?
03:53Hello?
04:18KNOCKING
04:20We've overslept.
04:22There's only 15 minutes of breakfast left.
04:26I'm going to have a shower later.
04:28Do you want me to save you a sausage, Bap?
04:31No, no, I'll be down in a minute.
04:33I just need to rinse my contacts.
04:36When? I'm over here.
04:38Oh, right. I'll see you in a bit.
04:48PHONE RINGS
04:51Come on, come on.
04:59PHONE RINGS
05:01Clive's phone.
05:03Who's that? Is that Auntie Terry?
05:05What have I told you about calling me Auntie?
05:07You are my auntie.
05:09I don't look old enough to be your auntie.
05:11No, you look old enough to be my gran.
05:13Where's my dad?
05:15I feel bad with me legs.
05:17What's he doing in your house? He hates you.
05:19I forgot me mobile.
05:21It just rang. I think it's Tiger.
05:25Tiger?
05:27Dad, can you send me some money?
05:29What's going on?
05:31I lost my wallet, all my cards, everything.
05:33I just need a couple hundred euros.
05:35Can't your mate lend you some?
05:37He's gone. He's the one who took my wallet.
05:39What's happened? What's he saying?
05:41Shut up. Dad?
05:43I don't want you and me mum being dragged out here.
05:45I just need some money.
05:47I never said your mum. I said me.
05:49They've had a row.
05:51Shut up. She's chucked him out.
05:53Go in the other room. No, I won't. This is my house.
05:55She found a pair of knicks in the glove compartment
05:57of the Land Rover and they weren't your dad's.
05:59That's absolute drivel and you know it, Terry.
06:01Well, she didn't throw you out for nothing.
06:03I'm trying to talk to my son.
06:05What did she just say? What's going on?
06:07I'll get the next flight out now.
06:09I should be with you by tonight.
06:11If I can't get a flight today, I'll ring you.
06:13Dad, why are you at Terry's? What's going on?
06:15I'll explain later.
06:19What am I going to do for money until you get here?
06:21Two words, son.
06:23All-inclusive.
06:25I'll speak to you later.
06:27You really don't let the truth
06:29get in the way of a good story, do you?
06:31Did you get my vodka?
06:33Get it yourself.
06:35Where are you going?
06:37I'm going to an airport.
06:39Bastard.
06:41Three hours.
06:43Three hours on the coach
06:45to get from Alicante to Benidorm.
06:47Here we go again.
06:49I'm sure they dropped that last couple off in Bridlington
06:51before we got here.
06:53Don't exaggerate, Mother.
06:55Why did they drop us off last?
06:57The coach went past here about three times.
06:59I'll tell you why.
07:01It was elbowing people in the gob
07:03trying to get on the coach first.
07:05You should be first in, first out.
07:07How is it racism?
07:09Everyone on the coach was British.
07:11The driver wasn't.
07:13Oh, for God's sake.
07:15Mrs Harvey, welcome back to paradise.
07:17Is everything all right?
07:19Your coach should have been here first, eh?
07:21Don't shut her off again.
07:23Can I have your passport, please?
07:25Oh, now. Been a fax for you, Mrs H.
07:27A fax?
07:29Aye, some solicitors or something.
07:31I didn't read it, of course, but it did sound important,
07:33especially the bit at the end
07:35I've been in this room for the last three years.
07:37Three years?
07:39What's this all about, ma'am?
07:41Nothing, it's nothing.
07:43Oh, Christ, what has she done now?
07:45I've not done anything. Just mind your own business.
07:47Can you hurry up with these rooms?
07:49Nanny, if something's up, you should tell us.
07:51Can you just leave me alone?
07:53Oh, I'll go.
07:55I'll come with you.
07:57Oh, no, don't worry about me.
07:59I'm fine to sort everything out here.
08:01HE LAUGHS
08:05MUSIC PLAYS
08:13Dear Mrs Harvey,
08:15we are contacting you as the only surviving relative
08:17of Mr Melvin Churchill, are we? Blah, blah, blah.
08:19This case has been open for several years now.
08:21Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
08:23Here we go.
08:25There has been considerable expense in research in this case,
08:27but we're willing to come to an arrangement
08:29by payment of a percentage of any monies recovered.
08:31It's just a scam letter.
08:33What did you get so upset about?
08:35Because it's just not nice.
08:37People using your dead husband's name to try and get money out of you.
08:39No, it's not.
08:41And fancy sending it here. Let's have a look.
08:43That's what's upset me.
08:45I've had two letters at home and I've just ignored them,
08:47but we're getting something here and it's...
08:49It's like they're following me.
08:51It says you were the only surviving relative
08:53to the Collins family of Tucks in Arizona, USA.
08:55That's just rubbish.
08:57How can I be related to anyone American?
08:59There's no fat people with big gums in our family.
09:03Please contact me as a matter of great agency.
09:05I'm available on my personal cell phone 24-7.
09:09Yours sincerely, Mr Buckaroo,
09:11probate attorney, Los Angeles, California.
09:13Let's have a look.
09:15Buckaroo. Are they taking the piss?
09:17What are his kids called, Twister and Kaplunk?
09:19It's all right for you to laugh.
09:21It's not you they're following.
09:23Ma'am, it's just a scam
09:25and not a very convincing one by the sound of it.
09:27Just ignore it and they'll go away.
09:29Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
09:3124-7.
09:33It's not even long enough for a mobile phone number.
09:35Yeah, I think that means you can ring them at any time.
09:37Well, it's still upset me.
09:39Well, I've got a way of resolving all this.
09:41There you go.
09:43All sorted.
09:45Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my office.
09:47Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my office.
10:01Leslie, is Blowing Got Opened yet?
10:03You've got to be joking, man. It's nowhere near midday.
10:05I've been calling Kenneth all morning.
10:07What are you looking for?
10:09Just a trim. You want us to give our name a call?
10:11No, no. I need to speak to Kenneth.
10:13It is more... How do you say?
10:15Personal.
10:17Oh, you're not one of them...
10:19...vajazzles, are you?
10:21What?
10:23Oh, no, can't be that for men.
10:25A pay jazzle.
10:27I have no idea whatsoever what you are talking about.
10:29Leslie, why are you behind this desk?
10:31It's where I work.
10:33Well, some of the time.
10:35I fired off a global this morning.
10:39It'll be that prawn curry from last night.
10:41I was fine, but then I had the toe in the hole.
10:43I fired off a global email
10:45instructing all staff
10:47of the time of their appraisals.
10:49Oh, sorry.
10:51You are ten minutes late.
10:53My office now.
10:59Oi, Casanova.
11:01You're on in 15 minutes.
11:03On what in 15 minutes?
11:05Well, I...
11:07Kenneth.
11:09Kenneth, I need to speak to you.
11:11Wait here.
11:17Kenneth, I need your help.
11:19Right, hang on.
11:23I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
11:25Shh.
11:29Right, let's have a look.
11:31I have something that...
11:33Shh. No.
11:35Don't interrupt while the muse is upon me.
11:37I see an 80s wedge
11:39in burnt sienna.
11:41No, wait.
11:43Number four crop, hint of a centre parting.
11:45Bit like a soot-covered bog brush.
11:47Otherwise known as a Simon Cowell.
11:49Kenneth, I don't need that.
11:51No, I know. A Mohegan.
11:53You got a whiff of Daniel Day-Lewis about you already.
11:55Mind you,
11:57not so much the last of the Mohegans
11:59or my left foot.
12:01Kenneth, will you please listen to me?
12:03I have a big problem.
12:05That's Edith done up the campsite.
12:07We've gone mobile.
12:09Ten rounds. Show him.
12:11Blow and go mobile. We've been the mountain to Mohamed.
12:13All religions catered for.
12:15Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
12:17Actually, I wanted to talk to you about this. Don't you think it's a bit racist?
12:19Racist? Are you joking?
12:21It's the opposite. It means we do everybody.
12:23Have you never seen me with a pair of pink and shears and an afro?
12:25How about blow and go mobile?
12:27You do the dialling, we do the styling.
12:29No, no, that's too boring.
12:31I did have one other.
12:33Well, don't leave the house. We'll blow you right there.
12:35That's disgusting.
12:37No, it's not. It's eye-catching.
12:39Kenneth, what do you want?
12:41Now I have to go.
12:43Go on, then. We're not stopping you.
12:45Honestly.
12:51Dial, I do.
12:53No. Cut to the chase.
12:55Shut up.
12:57So you see, Leslie, with recent year-end cutbacks
12:59and the ongoing financial crisis in Spain,
13:01Solana CEO Crystal Hennessy Bass
13:03breathing down my neck
13:05like a bull mastiff with halitosis,
13:07my hands are tied.
13:09I still don't understand.
13:11You want me to help you
13:13with the staff cutbacks?
13:15That's exactly right.
13:17Well, I mean, apart from your core team,
13:19which you'll obviously want to keep,
13:21I can only think of Jesus
13:23in maintenance,
13:25or that girl in the kitchen
13:27with the dry skin and the onion chaser.
13:29Onion chaser?
13:31Yeah, she's got no noses,
13:33apart from a single tooth at the front of her mouth.
13:35I think her name's Juanita.
13:37Juanita.
13:41Sorry.
13:43The staff cutbacks to which I refer
13:45include you.
13:47Oh, for a moment I thought...
13:49What?
13:51I know what you're going to say. Witch hunt.
13:53What about Juanita? She looks much more like a witch than me.
13:55No, I mean,
13:57you are one of several members of staff
13:59whom we sadly
14:01have to let go.
14:03I don't know what to say.
14:05I love it here.
14:07It's not just a job.
14:09It's me life.
14:11But when one
14:13door closes, another
14:15swings gently
14:17ajar.
14:19We do have another position available.
14:21It's less money, but...
14:23Less money? How can it be less?
14:25I'm trying to help you here, Leslie.
14:27I know you are. As long as it's not cleaning.
14:29I can't stand the thought of me
14:31being on my hands and knees all day.
14:33Not at my age.
14:41Leslie, there you are.
14:43You will not believe what just happened to me.
14:45Why do you dress like a cleaner?
14:47Because I am a bloody cleaner.
14:49Temple Savage sacked me
14:51and then reinstated me as a cleaner.
14:53She sacked me too.
14:55Then offered me a job as a junior barman.
14:57Junior. I am 40...
14:59Almost 40.
15:01How can they make me a junior?
15:03That woman has got more front than Blackpool.
15:05What does this mean?
15:07I just mean she's got some brass neck to think
15:09that she can get away with this whole set of being a sham.
15:11Sham?
15:13Basically, she's now saving hundreds of euros a week
15:15and I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not going straight
15:17in her coffers.
15:19Wait a minute. I don't understand.
15:21Look, a swindler, a snake in the grass.
15:23We've all been hoodwinked.
15:27And people say they have a problem to understand me.
15:41I'm sorry for you to wait.
15:43I have been demolished to junior barman
15:45so it's very difficult for me.
15:51You are OK?
15:53Yeah, I'm fine.
15:55Beer?
15:57No, I'm good.
15:59We do a very good breakfast lager.
16:01I'll have an orange juice.
16:03OK, no problem.
16:05Is your phone ever switched on?
16:07Hey, Mikey.
16:09Is everything all right?
16:11Not really.
16:13I Facebooked you from the airport.
16:15I sent you a couple of texts and I tried ringing you as well.
16:17Drink, would you?
16:19How's your mate?
16:21Zak. He's gone.
16:23Left last night.
16:25What, gone home?
16:27I don't know. He took my money, credit cards, everything.
16:29What sort of a mate's that?
16:31I only met him a week before we came to Benidorm.
16:33I don't know where he lives.
16:35I even lent him the money to pay for his holiday.
16:37Oh, my God, nightmare.
16:39I know, I know.
16:41Come and sit with us.
16:43Cheers. I might do later.
16:45I've just got to sort some stuff out before my dad gets here.
16:47I'll see you later.
16:49Tiger, you do know you've got twat written on your forehead, don't you?
16:51Twat?
16:53Are you joking?
16:55I looked in the mirror and I thought it said talk.
16:57Why would it say talk?
16:59I've no idea.
17:01I'll see you later.
17:03She shouldn't get away with this.
17:05It's outrageous.
17:07It is.
17:09It's illegal.
17:11Probably.
17:13And that tabard's doing nothing for your schoolgirl figure.
17:15What about a demonstration?
17:17Well, I thought I'd pinch the waist in a bit like that
17:21and then maybe pull the neckline down a bit further.
17:25I didn't mean the tabard.
17:27I meant positive action.
17:29Picket lines, posters, local news coverage.
17:31Oh, we've tried all that before.
17:33What we need is ammunition.
17:35We can't shoot her.
17:37No, we can't. We haven't got a gun.
17:39I mean a different sort of ammunition.
17:41Evidence.
17:43What?
17:45I think that's where I come in.
17:53Hiya.
17:55Didn't know you were here.
17:57Hola.
17:59Oh, yeah, we arrived last night.
18:01I hope you don't need the loo.
18:03It's closed down here and the lifts are out of order.
18:05Oh, I know.
18:07Six flights of stairs I had to walk down.
18:09I'm not used to working so hard
18:11for my sausage in the morning.
18:13Sorry it took me so long.
18:15You know the lift's not working?
18:17Yeah, we were just saying.
18:19It's Janice, isn't it?
18:21Yeah.
18:23This is Glyn.
18:25Hello.
18:27Glyn's from Wales.
18:29Oh, lovely.
18:31It's his first time in Benidorm.
18:33Are you enjoying it?
18:35Well, it's early days yet.
18:37Glyn's wife, Rhiannon,
18:39is on holiday in France
18:41with my husband, Donald.
18:43I see.
18:45Right.
18:47Well, good luck with that.
18:49See you later.
18:51See ya.
18:53Jacqueline,
18:55I was wondering if we could go
18:57somewhere quiet for a coffee.
18:59Well, there's rag times,
19:01but it seems such a shame
19:03to go inside when the sun's shining.
19:05I mean somewhere away from the hotel.
19:07Oh, but it's all inclusive here.
19:09It's okay. I'll pay.
19:11Oh, right.
19:13Lovely.
19:15Let me just have a quick wee.
19:21That's fresh.
19:23Coffee a minute.
19:29You all right?
19:31Not really. Tiger's just been robbed.
19:33I'm not surprised.
19:35He's a member of society.
19:37No, he's not.
19:39Last year when you hung about with him,
19:41you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
19:43It'll only be a matter of hours
19:45before you've got a bone through your nose.
19:47What does that even mean?
19:49It means he's an animal.
19:51Poor lad. Who's robbed him?
19:53Someone he came on holiday with.
19:55Exactly. You lay down with dogs,
19:57you pick up fleas.
19:59Oh, give it up, will ya?
20:01Right, young man, two beers for me and your mam
20:03Don't move it, Armstrong, move it.
20:05I'm supposed to be on holiday as well, you know.
20:07Good day. Joyce Temple Savage,
20:09Solana Manageress. Is one of you Mrs Harvey?
20:11Who wants to know?
20:13She's just told you, Joyce Temple Savage.
20:15I'll take that as a yes.
20:17Um, and Mr Roo has left a message for you.
20:19Apparently he's lost his wallet
20:21at the airport and he's asking
20:23if you can leave a hundred euros
20:25in an envelope for him at reception.
20:27Hundred euros?
20:29That's quite... Most people here
20:31wouldn't pay that for their holiday.
20:33Yes, anyway,
20:35to whom it may concern.
20:37Airport?
20:39Well, what's he doing coming here?
20:41Oh my God, I told you they were
20:43following me. Well, there you go, it all makes sense now.
20:45What do you mean it all makes sense?
20:47Come on, you don't have to be Cagney and Lacey to crack this one.
20:49It's someone who works here.
20:51I don't understand. You don't have to.
20:53Because I am going to put an envelope
20:55at reception and me and Lazy Arse here
20:57are going to wait and see who picks it up.
20:59It's like a stakeout after
21:01you get the drinks in.
21:03Do you not think we should call the police?
21:05What for?
21:07No crime's been committed yet.
21:09Until whoever we grab gets his head smacked in.
21:11What? By you?
21:13You couldn't smack your lips.
21:15I'm off to get some cigs.
21:17You're welcome.
21:19Get out of the way.
21:29Four sugars.
21:31Lovely.
21:33Wow, this is a treat.
21:35Jacqueline,
21:37I'm afraid I've had a change of heart.
21:39Oh, you want me to pay for the
21:41coffees? Oh, no, no, no.
21:43I mean about the
21:45wife swap. Oh, right.
21:47I don't suppose that's such a huge
21:49surprise? Well, when you got
21:51up to the room last night,
21:53barricaded your door with
21:55the wardrobe and shouted,
21:57anywhere near me and I'll call the police.
21:59I did have my
22:01suspicions. I'm sorry.
22:03Those two lager shanties
22:05hit me hard.
22:07It's not that you're unattractive.
22:09That's got nothing to do with it.
22:11It's just that, well, Rhiannon
22:13and I had been going through a bit of a bad
22:15patch and being very
22:17open-minded people. As you know,
22:19we're both naturists. We just thought...
22:21So you're not swingers?
22:23No.
22:25Not at all. Oh,
22:27dear. And that's not all.
22:29I got a message from
22:31Rhiannon this morning.
22:33Having a fabulous time?
22:35Donald is amazing. See you
22:37in a few days. Really?
22:39Well, just ring her and say
22:41you don't feel the same. No, don't
22:43you see? This is what she
22:45wants. She doesn't want
22:47me. She'd rather have some
22:49huge, overweight, red-faced
22:51buffoon bearing down on her.
22:53Mum taken?
22:55What have I done?
22:57What have I done to her?
22:59What have I done?
23:01What have I done?
23:05Now, remember, Betty,
23:07don't stand up till I've turned this off
23:09and removed the hood. When your hair caught fire
23:11last time, it was a waste of a perfectly good pint
23:13of lager. You all right, love?
23:15Kenneth.
23:17I need to speak with you.
23:19I'm glad that you've turned up. I've just sent
23:21Liam off to find Leslie. Apparently
23:23she's dug up some dirt on Temple Savage.
23:25But I need to speak to you in private.
23:27What do you mean in private? We're all in the same boat.
23:29No, you don't understand. I have a...
23:31Shall we go somewhere a bit more private?
23:33Oh, don't worry about Betty. She can't
23:35hear a thing under that dryer. What about
23:37Temple Savage? She's just across the hall.
23:39Hang on.
23:41Hello? Shop?
23:45I think you might be needed.
23:47Is there anybody about?
23:51Yes.
23:53Hello, yeah. Can you tell me what room
23:55my son, Tiger Dyke, is in?
23:57Tiger what?
23:59Tiger. Tiger Dyke.
24:01Do you not remember us from last year?
24:03No.
24:05Ah, yes.
24:07I remember you. Your eyes,
24:09they look much more piggy without your...
24:11I forgot how to say gaffers.
24:13OK, let me check.
24:15Did you just say piggy?
24:17What is your son's name?
24:19Tiger Dyke.
24:21OK, OK, don't shout.
24:23And I booked a room online as well.
24:25And your surname? Dyke.
24:27You are Tiger Dyke? I thought that was
24:29your son's name. My son
24:31is Tiger Dyke. I
24:33am Clive Dyke.
24:35Good afternoon,
24:37Joyce Temple Savage Salon Manager
24:39S Hucknall.
24:41Oh, it's you. That's just
24:43the sort of welcome I expected from this place.
24:45Well, you came back.
24:47Your all-inclusive wristband
24:49and your room key. Thank you,
24:51I'll deal with this now.
24:53I have just dealed with it.
24:55Pool bar. I am serving
24:57the Dyke. Pool
24:59bar.
25:03Welcome back to the salon,
25:05Mr Dyke.
25:07I trust you'll have another
25:09enjoyable stay with us. I only came
25:11here to look after my boy.
25:13He got robbed while he was here. Probably
25:15something to do with the company he keeps.
25:17Yeah, or the crappy hotel he's
25:19staying in.
25:21No pleasing some people.
25:27Hello? Kenneth?
25:29Hello? Can you hear me?
25:33God
25:35dammit.
25:39I think
25:41she's gone. Sorry about
25:43that Betty, love. I'll turn you back on
25:45now. Right, as I was
25:47saying, not only has she reduced
25:49all staff wages, I found
25:51an internal memo from Joyce to
25:53Hennessy bars, saying she's going to start
25:55sacking people too. That's outrageous.
25:57I'm not surprised. That woman's pure evil.
25:59How have you had access to internal emails?
26:01Well, sometimes being the
26:03lowly cleaner has its perks.
26:05Ha ha ha ha ha.
26:07Aye.
26:13So come on.
26:15You haven't mentioned a word about me mum yet.
26:17I texted her, but she said everything
26:19fine. Yeah, well she would.
26:21That's all a case of what the
26:23neighbours might think. I'm not a neighbour.
26:25I'm her son. Tiger,
26:27your mother and I have been going through a bit of a
26:29rough patch. For how long?
26:31About 23 years.
26:33You've only been married for 22.
26:35Yeah, well no-one could say I wasn't warm.
26:37Well, you've been married for 22 years.
26:39Yeah, well no-one could say I wasn't warm.
26:41You're splitting up then?
26:43No, we're not splitting up.
26:45We ain't staying together.
26:47But we're not splitting up.
26:49What is that supposed to mean?
26:51All I can say is
26:53this little break for us,
26:55me being here,
26:57will probably do us the world a good.
26:59I don't want you to split up.
27:01I want you both to be happy.
27:03Happy?
27:05Happy, yeah. Oh, I'll remember that.
27:07Meanwhile,
27:09meanwhile,
27:11I've got a great idea for tonight.
27:13Oh yeah, what's that?
27:15We both get absolutely hammered.
27:17You know something, Sam?
27:19You're not as stupid as you look.
27:23Like father,
27:25like son.
27:27Give them back.
27:29I can't see nothing without them.
27:31Oi! Oi, come back!
27:33Tiger!
27:35Tiger, come back here!
27:37Do you want one more for the roads?
27:39What?
27:41Another chandy.
27:43How many have I had?
27:45I've lost count. Two.
27:47Oh, I'd better not.
27:49My head's spinning as it is.
27:51Oh, you're there.
27:53I've been looking everywhere for you.
27:55I'm sorry, I've been licking my wounds.
27:57Have you spoken to your wife?
27:59No, but we've been texting each other.
28:01I tried to suggest that maybe we'd made a mistake,
28:03but she was too busy telling me
28:05what a great time she was having.
28:07She also told me you and Donald
28:09had organised the wife swap
28:11for your anniversary.
28:13Well, he's a very romantic man.
28:15Yes, but for your 25th
28:17wedding anniversary.
28:19I'm sorry, I just don't understand.
28:21Donald and I love each other
28:23daily, but we also
28:25love trying new things.
28:29I'm sorry, are you waiting to close?
28:31No, no, it's fine.
28:33Where was I?
28:35You and your husband love trying new things.
28:39We love trying new things.
28:41And what makes it all even
28:43better is we know we'll
28:45always have each other.
28:47Yes, but where's the romance?
28:49What can I say?
28:51Some days are romantic,
28:53and some days we're going at it
28:55like hammer and tongs with complete
28:57strangers.
28:59Variety is the spice of life.
29:01Do you want me to call
29:03your wife for you?
29:05No, no, no, let's just leave it for now.
29:07Right.
29:09Have a late siesta and then we'll have some
29:11tea in Neptune's
29:13and work out what to do next.
29:15Oh, they do a smashing
29:17toad in the hole here.
29:21Only in Benidorm.
29:31Dad would have been here ages.
29:33He's not coming, is he?
29:35Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
29:37What does that mean?
29:39It means shut up, morning, and go and get me a beer.
29:41Hey-up!
29:43Here we go.
29:45Here we go.
29:49What are you doing?
29:51I'm going undercover.
29:55Why are you hiding your face?
29:57They don't know what you look like anyway.
30:00Here we go.
30:02Hola.
30:06No, no, no, this is the Salona.
30:08Hotel...
30:10Which way?
30:12Turn left. About 200 yards
30:14on the right-hand side.
30:16Adios amigo.
30:18Bollocks. I thought we had our man then.
30:20I'm bored.
30:22I'm off to find Target.
30:24No, you're not. You've got no idea
30:26how important your role in all this is.
30:28Oh, yeah? What is my role?
30:30Head of refreshments.
30:32Off you pop.
30:34If you're a good lad, you can have a shandy.
30:42I don't know what I'd do if I came into a lot of money.
30:44Well, you could do something with your hair, for a start.
30:46What's that mean?
30:48You've always had split ends.
30:50And dry skin.
30:52It's not your fault. It runs in the family.
30:54Thanks.
30:56She was practically bald.
30:58Anna Barrow knows she wasn't.
31:00Bald with a big, dry square head.
31:02She looked like a Greg Steakbake.
31:04Woman down our street won £100,000 last year.
31:06£100,000, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
31:08If you don't know what to do with it, give it to me.
31:10I'd give you £10,000,
31:12£20,000 to our Michael
31:14for a deposit on a house.
31:16I'd give our Chantel...
31:18£10,000. Eh?
31:20You'd only give me £10,000.
31:22Eh, £10,000's a lot of money.
31:24I've sacrificed my whole life for you,
31:26wrecked my bodily functions
31:28to bring you into this world,
31:30and you'd keep £90,000 for yourself?
31:32No, I've just said I'd give our Michael £20,000.
31:34Oh, I see.
31:36So he gets twice as much as me.
31:38Go on, I haven't finished.
31:40Oh, no, frig the lot of you, if that's how you're gonna treat me.
31:42It's hypothetic.
31:44It is pathetic.
31:46£10,000 for the gift of life.
31:48For God's sake.
31:50I'm gonna get another cup of tea. Do you want one?
31:52You'd give 90% of that for yourself as well.
32:02Hang on.
32:04Here we go.
32:06We're on.
32:10Go on.
32:16Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
32:18Yeah!
32:20Get the envelope, get it!
32:22I've got it. What are you doing?
32:24Dad.
32:26You're going nowhere.
32:28This old chora thinks he's clever.
32:30Hang on a minute, son.
32:32Dad, watch!
32:34This isn't our envelope.
32:38This is Mario.
32:40He has just collected a list for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
32:42What?
32:44He's a holiday rep.
32:46All right.
32:48Get out.
32:50Sorry about that, pal.
32:52So, our envelope's still behind here, is it?
32:54Well, it's your envelope.
32:56Ah, never mind.
32:58Come on, we'd better go and check on your nana.
33:00What about 100 euros?
33:02I didn't put any money in the envelope behind the desk.
33:04I'm not a complete idiot.
33:12Open up your eyes
33:14Then you'll realise
33:16Everlasting love
33:18You're by my side
33:20Girls will feel my pride
33:22You'll never be denied
33:24Everlasting love
33:26You see, son,
33:28the thing about your mother and me is
33:32it's all about compatibility.
33:34But you've been together for 20 years.
33:36You must be compatible.
33:38Well, that's where another word comes in.
33:42Tolerance.
33:44She's tolerated you for this long.
33:46What's different now?
33:48Not me.
33:50I've tolerated her.
33:52Then she chucked me out.
33:54But you must still have feelings for her.
33:56I do.
33:58I do have feelings for her.
34:00It's difficult to describe.
34:04So I'm going to do it in a song.
34:06No, dad. Dad, please don't. Dad!
34:08Oh!
34:10You're not going to leave that, are you?
34:12I don't seem to have much of an appetite.
34:14Mmm!
34:16Mmm!
34:18Oh, it's Donald.
34:20Hiya!
34:22Oh, happy anniversary
34:24to you too.
34:26Glynn?
34:28Um, well, no.
34:30He's fine.
34:32Okay, love.
34:34Yeah, you get off.
34:36You've been a fortune.
34:38Nanai, love you.
34:40Happy anniversary.
34:42I'm sorry.
34:44I just can't get my head around this whole situation.
34:46And I have nobody to blame
34:48but myself.
34:50Mmm.
34:52MUSIC PLAYS
35:04Thank you very much!
35:06Enjoy the rest of your evening!
35:08Goodnight!
35:10Thank you there
35:12to Nick and Janice Gravy.
35:14Now a round of applause
35:16for Clive.
35:18APPLAUSE
35:22Next, I'd like
35:24to dedicate
35:26this song
35:28to my wife of 20 years.
35:30And I mean
35:32every...
35:34every single word.
35:36MUSIC PLAYS
35:38Oh!
35:40Oh!
35:46No, no, no!
35:52I don't
35:54know
35:56why
35:58I like you so much
36:00I gave
36:02you all of
36:04my trust
36:06I told you
36:08I loved
36:10you
36:12Now that it's all down to trying
36:14You put me through pain
36:16I want to let you know how I feel
36:18Fuck what I said
36:20It don't mean shit now
36:22Fuck the presents
36:24You might as well throw them out
36:26Fuck all the kisses
36:28They don't mean jack
36:30Fuck you, you ho
36:32I don't want you back
36:34Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
36:36You fool, you!
36:38You cool
36:40Keep this shit from me
36:42Yeah!
36:44You burnt bitch
36:46I heard the story
36:48You even gave me a break
36:50Burned you out
36:52That's just what I was paid
36:54Give me a break
36:56Give me a break
36:58Oh, can I have
37:00a very personal message to his wife?
37:02Apologies
37:04to any children listening
37:06We do have some
37:08unscheduled entertainment
37:10later on
37:12but while we wait for that
37:14play some music, Darren
37:16What kind of a song was that
37:18for a man to sing for his wife?
37:20Well, I've always said
37:22honesty is the best policy
37:24Yes, but where's all the romance
37:26in the world?
37:28That's what I'd like to know
37:30I mean, here you're sitting
37:32with a complete stranger
37:34on your 25th wedding anniversary
37:36The world's gone mad
37:38Oh, I don't know
37:40People don't have to live
37:42in each other's pockets
37:44Sometimes
37:46absence makes
37:48the heart grow fonder
37:52A word, please
37:54Mrs. Tepley-Savage
37:56Yes, can I help?
37:58Well, there's no
38:00nice way of putting this but
38:02you've been caught
38:04with your past out
38:06What a charming turn of phrase
38:08Could you elaborate?
38:10Well, the situation with
38:12Demorton, most of the stuff
38:14What about it?
38:16We have received intelligence
38:18It's been a long time coming but
38:20I can only see that as a good thing
38:22No, hang on, let me finish
38:24We have received intelligence
38:26regarding your not-so-little
38:28wages fiddle
38:30Fiddle?
38:32I'm sorry, what are you talking about?
38:34Disgusting! As soon as all this comes out
38:36your head will be on a pole
38:38When all what comes out?
38:40But it seems the evidence against you
38:42is incongestible
38:44None of you are making any sense
38:46which I realise is hardly headline news
38:48but I would like to know what I'm being accused of
38:50We know that the cuts
38:52you've made to our pay patterns
38:54are going in your pocket
38:56I'm sorry, we've made a decision
38:58We're not calling the police
39:00but I will be calling Hennessy Vass first thing in the morning
39:02I wouldn't do that if I were you
39:04because she thinks you've been sacked
39:06Oh, we all know that
39:08Being sacked
39:10I had instructions from Crystal Hennessy Vass
39:12to make cutbacks, namely
39:14to let two of the highest earning members of staff go
39:16but I couldn't do it
39:18so I made small cuts to wages
39:20across the board instead
39:22including my own
39:24I know it's going to be a tough few months
39:26but I'll slowly increase your money
39:28with the odd bonus and small pay rises
39:30That's the best I can do
39:32Oops
39:34Right
39:36I'd like to introduce this group
39:42Well done, Jessica Fletcher
39:44Another case solved
39:50Now, in a slight change
39:52to our advertised evening of karaoke
39:54may I present to you
39:56Benny Dorb's own tribute
39:58to the stylistics
40:06Happy anniversary, Jacqueline
40:08from your devoted husband, Donald
40:12From Donald for you
40:32Mrs Temple Savage
40:34I do apologise
40:36about the slight confusion
40:38we've just had
40:40Don't worry about it, Leslie
40:42These are desperate times we're living in
40:44I totally understand
40:46I never believed in vicious rumours anyway
40:48What, even now you've started them
40:50Although the next time you think you've caught me
40:52with my pants down
40:54let's talk rather than you trying to pull them up for me
41:00I need a drink
41:02Kenneth
41:06Do you know I've been trying to talk to you all day
41:08Have you?
41:10Yes
41:12I need to ask you to do something for me
41:14Well, go on then
41:16No
41:18It is personal
41:20Oh yeah
41:22I don't want anyone else to hear
41:24Well, then whisper it
41:26Oh my god
41:32Oh my god
41:34Please, Kenneth
41:36It is a secret
41:38Well, we've all got them, love
41:40Lola, a woman in the old town
41:42She used to do it for me
41:44I bet she did
41:46Please, Kenneth
41:48You will do it for me
41:52Meet me in the salon
41:54Thanks
41:56Slippery neck, huh?
41:58Yeah, two
42:10Everything's gonna be alright, Sam
42:12Have you spoke to me mum?
42:16Not since we had the round, no
42:20Maybe you just need a bit of time apart
42:22Yeah, maybe that's all we need
42:24A bit of time apart
42:28The next 20 years should just about do it
42:46Okay, Neptunes, let's get you on your feet
42:48You all know this next one
42:52Come on
43:08I am so drunk
43:10Oh, that's it
43:12Next time we see him, he'll be drugged up with the eyeballs
43:14floating face down in the pool
43:16Right, no alcohol
43:18and stay where we can see you
43:20Come on, are we having a dance?
43:22Oh, that's it, leave me here on my own
43:24Come and have a dance
43:26Oh, no, I don't want to be a burden
43:28Oh, go on, just leave me here
43:30You'd think I'd be used to your selfishness by now
43:32What?
43:34My mother got annoyed this afternoon because I wouldn't share my winnings with her
43:36What winnings?
43:38It's a long story
43:40Hey, it's a shame Buckaroo didn't turn up
43:42You could have shared your winnings with us
43:50Well,
43:52fancy seeing you here
43:54Please, Kenneth, don't make fun of me
43:56Don't worry, Mateo
43:58We all have needs
44:00So,
44:02the woman who usually does you
44:04when did she leave town?
44:06Well, three weeks ago
44:08I can sort out getting touched up myself
44:10but it gets to a point where I need a full head
44:14Well,
44:16life is short
44:18Well,
44:20lie back
44:22and think of a Spania
44:34I think we should go for a midnight dream
44:36I think dyeing your hair double jet black
44:38might make people think you're sponsored by Magic Marker
44:42So,
44:44going anywhere nice for your holidays?
44:48Let's hear you sing
44:50I
44:52can give you
44:54everything
44:56of my love
44:58of my love
45:00of my love
45:02of my love
45:04Here we go
45:10How can I promise you the world
45:12Mrs. Madge Harvey?
45:14Yeah
45:16Yeah, I'm Madge
45:18My name is Buck
45:20Buck A. Rue
45:22You're a very difficult lady
45:24to get a hold of
45:26I can't quite believe
45:28I finally found you
45:30My people
45:32shall not forget me
45:34for as long as I live
45:40I
45:42can give you
45:44everything
45:46of my love
45:48of my love
45:50of my love
45:52of my love
45:54of my love
45:56of my love
45:58I
46:00can give you
46:02everything
46:04of my love
46:06of my love
46:12of my love
46:14of my love
46:16of my love
46:18of my love
46:20of my love
46:22of my love
46:24of my love
46:26of my love
46:28of my love
46:30of my love
46:32of my love
46:34of my love
46:36of my love
46:38of my love