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Short filmTranscript
00:00Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister, who is one of the most important people in
00:05this country, after myself and my friend Colin Graham, is going through the morning papers
00:10with his aide Sebastian.
00:11What about the broadsheets?
00:12The Guardian go with by-election, disaster for government, The Times, Prime Minister
00:25under fire, Telegraph, Black Day for PM.
00:29Are you alright Sebastian?
00:31Yeah, I've just got something in my eye, Prime Minister, that's all.
00:35Independent, Poll Defeat puts PM on the ropes.
00:39Do you want a tissue?
00:42No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
00:45What about the tabloids?
00:46What does the Sun say?
00:48Oh no!
00:51What?
00:52No, I can't show you.
00:54Oh come on, it can't be all that bad.
00:57I've said you're dead as a dodo!
01:00You're not dead as a dodo!
01:02Alright Sebastian.
01:03You're not dead as a dodo!
01:05Come on, you're being very silly.
01:07I'm not, I'm not dead as a dodo!
01:10I haven't been well!
01:14It really doesn't matter, don't get upset about it, I'm not upset about it.
01:18I want you to be Prime Minister forever.
01:23Well, well, I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet.
01:25Oh good.
01:35Hello?
01:37Yeah, OK, thank you, I'll be down.
01:38Thank you.
01:43My car's here, Sebastian.
01:46I have to leave, now.
01:49Where are we going?
01:54Thank you, Sebastian.
01:56That will be all.
02:05Pubs are very popular in Britain, with over five pubs per person.
02:09Pocket part scratch hands.
02:16Another pocket part scratch hand.
02:21Box of matches.
02:26Anything else?
02:31Four pints of snake bites, please.
02:37Do you, uh, got any ID?
02:39No, but, yeah, but no, because you know Albany,
02:41but she said I've been going around saying that some nigger swine has got a moustache,
02:43which he has, but I never said it.
02:44But anyway, Paul Murphy told Yasmin that I showed him my tit on the school trip to Wookiee Hope,
02:47but I never actually showed him my Wookiee Hope.
02:50If you ain't got ID, I'm not serving you.
02:52No, because what you need to do, right, is ask Kevin Flanagan's brother,
02:54because he reckons I look at least 15.
02:55And anyway, I am old enough, because one of my best friends in the world is Therese McKenna,
02:58and she goes to school with Gary Super's sister,
02:59and Gary Super's like the horridest person in Gotham,
03:01because once, right, he went down the canal and he found this tyre,
03:03and he like threw it in the swamp.
03:05Come on, get out.
03:06No, but, yeah, I've got ID, but I burn it, because I don't even need it.
03:10You dropped your ID card, Becky.
03:12Yeah, I just remembered I never burn it.
03:16Oh, my God, that's like so unfair!
03:18Hayley Chapman reckons she went down the throakie with loads of make-up on,
03:20and they gave her four Purna and blacks, because she was so lucky.
03:22She's got her own council flat, three kids, and she's only nine.
03:26I'm not serving you.
03:28Don't matter anyway, because we've got one of these.
03:33Come on, let's go. This place is rubbish.
03:38As a special treat, Lou has taken his friend Andy to the seaside.
03:42Right, can I have, please, a whippy with a flake?
03:46Have you decided what you're having?
03:48Yeah.
03:49What do you want, then?
03:50Just a cone.
03:51And another whippy plain, please.
03:53No, just a cone.
03:55A cone on its own? No whippy?
03:57Yeah.
03:58Well, it's going to be very dry.
04:00Yeah, I know.
04:01Tell you what, why don't you have just a little bit of ice cream in it?
04:05You like ice cream.
04:06You said it was a perfect complement to a hot summer's day.
04:09Yeah, I know.
04:10So what's it to be?
04:11Cone.
04:13And then just a cone on its own.
04:15Thank you.
04:26I want a whippy.
04:45Over at Kelsey Grammar School.
04:47Right.
04:48You may have noticed we have a new boy here today.
04:51One or two of you will know him.
04:53He's been put down a year from the fourth year,
04:55and his name is Thorpe.
04:57Say hello, Thorpe.
05:02If you need an operation in Britain,
05:04you can either perform it yourself in your home,
05:07or you can check into a hospital.
05:13At St. Mohamed's in Shriek,
05:15stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has gone to see his mother.
05:18That puts me on 84.
05:20You'll go?
05:27Want some help, love?
05:28No, thank you, Mother.
05:35What's that?
05:36Cupboard-y.
05:37That's not a word.
05:38Yes, it is.
05:39It means cupboard-like.
05:41Well, I've never heard of cupboard-y.
05:43I've never heard of cupboard-y.
05:45It means cupboard-like.
05:47Well, I've never heard of that.
05:49Pass me the dictionary.
05:50Mother.
05:51Yes?
05:52Look into my eyes.
05:53Look into the eyes, the eyes, the eyes.
05:54Look around the eyes.
05:55Don't look around the eyes.
05:56Look into the eyes.
05:57You're under.
05:58In a moment, you will believe that cupboard-y
05:59is an actual word that is in the dictionary.
06:00It is not a silly word that I've just made up.
06:02Three, two, one.
06:03You're back in the room.
06:06Oh, cupboard-y.
06:08As in cupboard-like.
06:10Well done.
06:11Well done.
06:15That puts you on 106.
06:17Yeah, 106.
06:19Hello, Mrs Craig.
06:21Is this your toy boy?
06:23No, this is my son, Kenny.
06:26Oh, yes, of course.
06:28The famous hypnotist.
06:30So, who's winning?
06:32I am.
06:33I'm winning.
06:34You just put down cupboard-y.
06:35Cupboard-y?
06:36There's no such word.
06:38Look into my eyes.
06:39Look into my eyes.
06:40Don't look around the eyes.
06:41Don't look around the eyes.
06:42Look into my eyes.
06:43You're under.
06:44Cupboard-y is an actual word that is in the dictionary.
06:45Three, two, one.
06:46Oh, and by the way,
06:47you did the toy boy gag last week,
06:48and it didn't work then.
06:49If I were you, I'd drop it.
06:50Three, two, one.
06:51You're back in the room.
06:53You're right, Mrs Craig.
06:55He can't really do it.
07:02Oh, thanks.
07:04PHONE RINGS
07:08I don't want to buy any dusters.
07:10Oh, no, no, we just need a room.
07:12We're full, I'm afraid.
07:13It says vacancies.
07:14No, we're full.
07:16Are there any other guest houses you can recommend?
07:18Not in this town, no.
07:20Good day.
07:24Let's just go home.
07:25Yeah.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:33Just as one group is finishing at this community centre,
07:36another begins.
07:38Inside, the weekly fat fighters meeting has just begun.
07:41Fortunately, I have never suffered from obesity myself,
07:44although I do have one very fat hand.
07:47Crisps.
07:48High in fat, low in fat.
07:50Anyone?
07:51Crisps.
07:52Poor.
07:53High in fat.
07:54High in fat.
07:55But low in protein and low in fibre.
07:59That's not all bad news.
08:01OK, another one.
08:04Lettuce.
08:05Lettuce.
08:06High in fat, low in fat.
08:08What do you think?
08:09Lettuce.
08:10Moira.
08:11Low in fat.
08:12Sorry?
08:13Low in fat.
08:15Say it again?
08:16Low in fat.
08:17No, I can't.
08:18She said low in fat.
08:20All right, don't patronise her.
08:23Low in fat.
08:24Well done.
08:26OK, just one more.
08:29Dust.
08:31Anybody?
08:32No.
08:33High in fat, low in fat.
08:34Dust.
08:35Anybody?
08:36No.
08:37Dust.
08:38Anybody?
08:39No.
08:40Dust.
08:41Anybody?
08:42No.
08:43Dust.
08:44Anybody?
08:45No.
08:46Dust.
08:47Anybody?
08:48No.
08:49Dust.
08:50It's actually very low in fat.
08:51You can have as much dust as you like.
08:53OK, moving on.
08:55Today is a very special day at Fat Fighters,
08:58because we have a new member.
09:01She is a new member.
09:03Her name is Barbara.
09:04And would you believe, we are related.
09:07Is she your daughter?
09:09No, she's my sister.
09:12Nice to see you here, Barbara.
09:13Thank you.
09:14There are normally more people,
09:16but Hank Marvin's playing the pavilion tonight.
09:18Stay where you are.
09:20So, big hello to Barbara.
09:22Hello.
09:23Yeah, she can't speak a word of English,
09:25and he's already married, so you're out of luck there.
09:27Not that that usually stops you.
09:29Actually, it's funny.
09:30When we were growing up,
09:31Barbara used to tease me, didn't you?
09:33Do you remember what you used to say?
09:34No.
09:35I can.
09:36You used to say I was the greedy guts.
09:37Well, all I can say is the shoe is now on the other sock,
09:40because I may be one or two pounds overweight,
09:43but you are something else.
09:46She's had two kids, each by different men,
09:48but that's not to hear.
09:49And she's piled it on, haven't you?
09:51Well, I want to lose about a stone.
09:53A stone?
09:54More like five.
09:55Anyway, what's important is we're here to help.
09:59So, what advice can we give to Barbara
10:02to turn her tragic life around?
10:04Cut out biscuits.
10:06Cut out biscuits.
10:07Good.
10:08Anyone else?
10:09Mary?
10:10Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
10:14Something about sugar.
10:15But really, I think the most useful advice we can all give you
10:18is to look at the person inside,
10:20because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
10:22No, I'm not.
10:23Well, you deserve to be.
10:24I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore,
10:26but that's not to hear.
10:27But as far as she's concerned,
10:28if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow,
10:30the world would be a better place.
10:31Mum does speak to me.
10:32I spoke to her yesterday.
10:33Barbara, we'd be grateful if you could leave family matters for outside.
10:36Thanks.
10:38OK, the weigh-in.
10:40Let's start with, er, Barbara.
10:43Will you be all right to get up, or will you need sticks?
10:48Right, one or two of you may have noticed we have a new boy here today.
10:51His name is Uppingham, and he comes to us from the 17th century.
10:56Say hello, Uppingham.
11:11What time do Sainsbury's shut tonight?
11:14Eight.
11:17On a Thursday?
11:23It's early evening at the Scarecrow and Mrs King pub
11:26in the Welsh mining village of Trandewybreddy.
11:35Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please, my fine lady?
11:37Coming right up.
11:39I wish there were more things for gay people to do around here.
11:42It's so lonely being the only gay in the village.
11:46What are you on about? There's loads of things to do.
11:49You've just got to look in the local paper.
11:51Now...
11:53Lesbians, bisexuals, transgender...
11:57Oh, there we are. Gay section.
12:00Oh, there you go.
12:02There's a gay night on Thursdays at the BJ and the Bear pub in Aberfanwy.
12:06Oh, no, I couldn't possibly get over to Aberfanwy.
12:09It's only half a mile away.
12:11No, the stone path is quite treacherous.
12:14The number four goes to Aberfanwy.
12:16Oh, no, I couldn't possibly get on the bus. I'm gay, you see.
12:21Gay men's choir.
12:23Gay rambling society.
12:25Gay book club.
12:27Gay sex club.
12:29Gay nation of Islam.
12:33Not much going on, is there?
12:35Oh, gay Czechies.
12:37Now, that is right up your street.
12:39You love Star Trek, don't you?
12:41Well, I don't like Deep Space Nine.
12:45Look, the gay Czechies have a meeting on Mondays at 8 o'clock.
12:48Oh, well, I'd missed it then.
12:50Right here.
12:51Let me see that.
12:53That must be them over there.
12:57They don't look like Star Trek fans to me.
12:59Of course they are.
13:01Well, they can't be gay.
13:02Oh, I tell you, dear, he was hung like a Klingon.
13:06Go over and talk to them.
13:08Oh, no, Mufanmi, I couldn't possibly walk all the way over there.
13:11These hot pants can be terrible chair fans.
13:14Yes.
13:23Greetings.
13:24I've just been speaking to the barmaid.
13:26Yes.
13:27And she says, would you mind drinking up and leaving?
13:29Only they don't want your sword round here.
13:35Well, I did try.
13:40Oh, have you got any savlon?
13:43With nothing on the telly but repeats of Doctor Who, Medics
13:47and that episode of Blackadder 2 I'm in,
13:49Lou and his friend Andy choose a videotape.
13:52Have you seen anything you might like yet?
13:54Yeah, I want that one.
13:56You want that one?
13:57Yeah.
13:58Well, that is Pride and Prejudice.
14:01Yeah, I know.
14:02Well, I'm not sure you'll like that one.
14:04I want that one.
14:06It's all set in the olden days.
14:08No, I'm not sure you'll like that.
14:10You like your Chuck Norris's and your Steven Seagal's.
14:13Yeah, I know.
14:14Just to be on the safe side,
14:16why don't we get a film with guns in it as well,
14:18just in case you don't like this one.
14:20I want that one.
14:21You know I'm going to go and see Maria tonight,
14:24so I can't take it back and get another one if you don't like it.
14:26Yeah, I know.
14:28Are you sure you want this one?
14:30Yeah.
14:33I don't like it.
14:36Well, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with it.
14:38I told you, I've got to go and see Maria.
14:41Look, I'll be back around six.
14:44DOOR KNOCKS
15:06Yeah, monster trucks, monster trucks, monster trucks, yeah.
15:11Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside.
15:14Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside, as the famous song goes.
15:19At his guest house in Old Haven,
15:21not very good transvestite Emily Howard is showing a gentleman round.
15:25Of course, I don't normally allow single gentlemen to take rooms.
15:28No?
15:29No, a lady ought not open a house to menfolk.
15:32What lady?
15:33Me, I am a lady.
15:35Are you?
15:36Yes.
15:37Jesus.
15:38This will be your room.
15:39It was going to be a nursery.
15:41Being a lady, which I am, I was rather hoping to have children one day.
15:45Oh, yes.
15:47But it wasn't to be.
15:50I'm fine, I'm fine.
15:54This is my room.
15:55It has all my lady's things in it.
15:57My lotions, my petticoats, my lady's things.
15:59You must not come in here.
16:01Oh, sorry.
16:02Come in.
16:05Don't know what they're doing there.
16:09Now, you must know, there is no lock on the door.
16:12A man like you could burst in at any time and see me in the altogether.
16:16We don't want that.
16:18Yes, we do.
16:21So, how much did you say it was?
16:24Well, it's a guinea for the night, but you must remember,
16:28this is a lady's house and there are rules.
16:31Oh, yes.
16:32Yes. No tobacco smoke, no coarse language,
16:35and I lock the door at 8pm sharp.
16:37Ah, well, that might be a problem.
16:39I'm working late tonight.
16:41Really? What do you do?
16:42Well, it might interest you, actually.
16:43I'm a female impersonator.
16:45What?
16:46Yes. I work here on my bachelor's.
16:48Miss Terry Lean.
16:51Get out! Get out!
16:53It's disgusting!
16:54Get out of my house! Go! Go!
16:57Don't worry, pal. I'm off.
17:02Just out of interest, who does your dresses?
17:08Tower blocks were introduced to Britain in the 1960s
17:11and were an instant success.
17:13People loved the sense of social alienation,
17:16entrapment and the stench of urine in the lifts.
17:22Here on the seventh floor, theatrical leg-end Bernard Chumley
17:26is preparing for a visit from an aspiring young actor.
17:30Ah, you must be Joe.
17:32Yes.
17:33Yes, do come in, young Joe.
17:37Come through there.
17:43That's the room at the end, young Joe.
17:52Please, do take a seat.
17:55That one's a bit wet.
18:00Tea?
18:01Thank you.
18:04I read your letter with great interest.
18:06Have you written to lots of other important actors?
18:09Yes, but nobody else has actually invited me round to their...
18:15..home.
18:17Well, it was such a charming letter.
18:21And the, er, photograph.
18:24And so, er...
18:25Tea?
18:27Thank you.
18:30Yes, well, it was so exciting to pass the audition
18:33and actually get a place at Radha, but the fees are just astronomical.
18:36It's over £6,000 a year.
18:37Do help yourself to a potato crisp.
18:39Thank you.
18:42So, who else did you write to?
18:44Well, Sir Derek Jacoby wrote a nice letter.
18:47Terrible stutter.
18:48And Sir Anthony Hopkins.
18:50Oh, he's a sir now, is he?
18:52Yes, he gave me £200.
18:54Bastard, didn't send me a penny.
18:56And I imagine you've always wanted to be an actor, have you?
18:59Yes, ever since I was a boy, I've always spent every penny I had on...
19:02Parliament?
19:03No, I've spent every penny I had on going to the theatre.
19:06Oh, I imagine you've seen Muggins here quite a few times over the years.
19:10No.
19:11Oh.
19:13Your sister Kitty, I've heard of.
19:15She had an accident?
19:17Yes, terrible.
19:19Lost the use of her legs.
19:21Of course, I could look back on it now and laugh, but at the time it was very...
19:26Hold it.
19:28Oh, no, thank you.
19:33Don't worry, Kitty, it's just the guest man.
19:37Maybe she needs to go to the toilet.
19:39Oh, no, no, no, she went yesterday.
19:45Got a girlfriend yet?
19:47No, I haven't.
19:48I bet you have. I bet all the girls are after you.
19:51Yes, I'd better be off in a moment.
19:53I'm actually having tea with Serene McKellan. I'm meeting him at the Savoy.
19:56Oh, I see. A sugar puff?
19:58No, thank you.
20:01Thank you.
20:02I didn't push her.
20:03What?
20:04She fell.
20:05Yes.
20:07Actually, this is rather embarrassing, but do you think you could possibly help me with my tuition fees?
20:10Yes. Yes, of course.
20:20There you are.
20:21Thank you.
20:22Have I got change?
20:25During the summer months, literally tens of people flock to Scotland for their holidays.
20:32Oh, we're easy to find.
20:34When you see the hanging tree, take a left.
20:37When you come to the old well, take a right.
20:40If you pass a scarecrow, you've come too far.
20:45Yeah, that's right, opposite IKEA.
20:48Ah, Squire McKenzie, I trust you enjoyed your stay.
20:52Yes, I shall be submitting a very positive review to the Chronicle.
20:56Oh, just one thing, the three courses for 15 pounds set menu, is that available on a Sunday?
21:02If you'd ask me on a Monday, I'd say yes.
21:07If you'd ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say yes.
21:11If you'd ask me on a Wednesday...
21:13For heaven's sake, it's a very simple question.
21:15Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?
21:17For heaven's sake, it's a very simple question.
21:19Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?
21:22If you'd ask me on a Monday, I'd say yes.
21:25If you'd ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say...
21:32Yes.
21:33If you'd ask me on a Wednesday, I'd say yes.
21:36I want chips.
21:37Ah, just through there.
21:41Where was I? Oh, yes.
21:43If you'd ask me on a Monday, I'd say yes.
21:45For goodness sake, man, it's a very simple question.
21:47Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?
21:49I'll tell ye, but through the medium of Dan.
21:54Children?
22:08Does that answer your question?
22:11Right, you may have noticed we have a new boy here today.
22:14His name is Charlie, and I don't want any of you to treat him any differently.
22:19Say hello to everybody, Charlie.
22:21Hello, Charlie.
22:24Yes, he's a dog.
22:27This is the residence of Dame Sally Markham, the famous novelist.
22:31I used to have a house like this, until I lost it.
22:33If you find it, please could you post it back to me?
22:36Care of the BBC. Thank you.
22:39Young Toby was having a ripping time on his toboggan.
22:43Yippee!
22:51How many pages?
22:5434.
22:56Clarissa was similarly overjoyed.
22:58Yahoo!
23:00Ooh!
23:02Ooh!
23:06Oh dear, she said. I've hurt myself.
23:08Ah!
23:11Ah!
23:12Ah!
23:13I'll publish.
23:15Today, former Olympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to promote the launch of Hugger Leper Week.
23:21Thank you so much for helping us out at such short notice, Dean.
23:23Denver.
23:24Denver. Sorry.
23:26Is Geoff Capes all right?
23:28For Capes, he'll be fine, yeah.
23:30He just had to have his dog put down, and he's a bit upset about that.
23:34He's only doing the bigger money jobs this week.
23:38You got your speech?
23:39Got it right here, boss.
23:42See, what Hugger Leper Week is all about is dispelling popular myths about leprosy.
23:46About bloody time.
23:48I mean, there are people out there who think that lepers are still banished to colonies.
23:52They're not, are they?
23:53No.
23:55Some people think that lepers' limbs just fall off.
24:00No, I mean, that's just wrong.
24:05You know, for too long now, people who suffer from leprosy have just been the butt of jokes, and that's got to stop.
24:11Yeah.
24:19Do you want to go through your speech at all?
24:21No, I'll be fine.
24:25Here.
24:27Fruit pasty.
24:28Thanks.
24:31Get me one.
24:34Thank you.
24:36Tell you, I miss these out in Ghana.
24:38Oh, yeah? What were you doing in Ghana?
24:39I was working out there as a missionary.
24:41That's when I actually caught leprosy.
24:45Hopefully mine has been cured now.
24:47Has it?
24:48Yeah, but today you'll get the chance to meet lots of people in various different stages of the disease.
24:54Oh, no.
25:15Oh, no, I'd better be set instead of start.