Frasier Season 4 Episode 2 Love Bites Dog
Frasier Season 4 Episode 2 Love Bites Dog
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00:00Baby, baby, all I'm saying is we should cool it for a while.
00:05Oh, what's that thing, uh, if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, yadda, yadda, yadda?
00:11Yeah, that's it.
00:14Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm really broken up about this.
00:18Hey, pick fast!
00:25Come on, now.
00:28No tears, no, oh.
00:31I'll never forget you either, Sandy.
00:35Linda?
00:37Really?
00:39Oh, I thought I was talking to your sister.
00:41Oh, well, tell her same goes.
00:46Hey, Fringer, do you have a minute?
00:48Yes, of course, Rob, what is it?
00:50Well, you're not gonna like this idea.
00:52You're gonna complain and make up excuses and then say no anyway.
00:55It's the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith.
01:00Okay, here goes.
01:02I have this friend, and I think you two would really hit it off.
01:06And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that, uh, who knows where?
01:12Yes, exactly.
01:14Oh, oh, listen, Ross, did you hear that?
01:16What?
01:18If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear my skin crawling.
01:26I know, blind dates stink, but I'm your friend, and I'm worried about you.
01:32Oh, Ross.
01:33When was the last time you were with a woman?
01:35What?
01:36Seems like almost a year.
01:37Oh, it has not been that long.
01:40I mean, that is a laugh, ha!
01:44The last time was, uh, well, honestly, the, uh, well, the tree was still up.
01:52Oh, God.
01:54Her name is Sharon.
01:55She's 5'7".
01:57Oh, Ross, I'm not interested.
01:58No, she's an incredible person.
02:00She's smart.
02:01She's funny.
02:02She's a former pro golfer.
02:04She just hasn't met the right guy.
02:06A woman golfer.
02:07I'll be quite certain there is a right guy.
02:11She dates men.
02:12Not this one.
02:13She plays chess.
02:14She loves your show.
02:16And I know this sort of thing isn't supposed to matter to people like you, but I've seen her in the shower at the gym.
02:21Oh, please.
02:22She has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley.
02:28A chess player, did you say?
02:38Look at these pants.
02:40Oh, dear, Mr. Crane.
02:42Did Eddie drag you through the puddles again?
02:44Every last one of them.
02:46Eddie, get in here.
02:49Eddie, I mean now.
02:55What am I going to do with you?
02:57My favorite shoes are soaked.
03:02Eddie, look at me when I'm talking to you.
03:05You're doing it again.
03:07What?
03:08You're acting like one of those nut jobs in the park who treat their pets like children.
03:12Yeah?
03:13Well, when you do it outside, you're a nut.
03:15When you do it inside, it's your own damn business.
03:19Eddie, go to your room.
03:25Oh, don't worry about your shoes.
03:28I'll get them all dried out for you.
03:30Well, I hope.
03:31They're not just Eddie's shoes, you know.
03:33These are Muckabee's, the most comfortable shoes made.
03:37Air-cushioned insoles, deep flannel lining.
03:41You know, I remember one anniversary I surprised Hester with a pair of lady Muckabee's.
03:47Don't remember which anniversary, but I know it ended with a zero.
03:52I don't doubt that.
04:04Oh, all right, I forgive you.
04:08I love you, too.
04:10Yeah, I do.
04:11You'll always be my very best boy.
04:18You know, Dad, there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dogs.
04:25New suit, huh?
04:27Who's the lucky girl?
04:28Well, you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.
04:32Oh, congratulations.
04:33What's it been, a year?
04:40It has not been that long.
04:43I remember the tree was still up.
04:48What the hell?
04:50Look at you all got up looking so skinny.
04:52Yes, it's a new suit.
04:54Yes, I'm meeting a woman.
04:55And yes, it has been a while.
04:58Thanks.
04:59That reminds me.
05:00I have to order me cards.
05:07Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?
05:11Oh, no.
05:18Monoconies!
05:20I'm sorry.
05:21I didn't mean to leave them in there for so long.
05:24Yes, well, English cooking strikes again.
05:34Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy.
05:38I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits.
05:42Deep financial straits.
05:45Look at this belt.
05:47Spanish leather.
05:51Yes, well, if Mr. Blackwell comes in, I'll create a diversion.
05:54You can make a dashboard.
05:57Obviously, the time has come for me to expand my practice,
06:00so I'm placing an ad in Seattle Style magazine.
06:05Advertisement?
06:06Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?
06:08Serve Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle.
06:12Besides, a highly respected obstetrician on my floor did it,
06:16and now his waiting room has more swollen bellies than a Buddhist temple.
06:20That's it.
06:22I like that.
06:27I'm on my way to call it in. I just wanted to run it by you.
06:29All right.
06:30Dr. Niles Crane, young specialist,
06:33servicing individuals, couples, groups.
06:36Young specialist, servicing individuals, couples, groups.
06:40Satisfaction guaranteed.
06:43Tell me where it hurts.
06:45Well, that's just excellent, Niles.
06:48All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon
06:51of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.
06:56I'm sorry I didn't hear you.
06:58I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
07:03I'm off.
07:06Hey, wild thing.
07:07Yes, hello.
07:08Look, we have on the same belt.
07:11Oh, my God.
07:16Hi, Ross.
07:17Hey, crazy. Okay, Sharon's gonna be here any minute.
07:19You didn't say anything to her, did you?
07:20No, not a word. She has no idea this is a set-up.
07:23Good, good. Now, listen.
07:24If I don't like her, I will simply excuse myself and leave.
07:27But if I do like her, I will find some polite and discreet way
07:30of indicating that you may go.
07:33Beat it, Ross.
07:39Hi, Sharon.
07:40Hi, Ross. Good to see you.
07:42Look who I ran into, my boss, Dr. Frasier Crane.
07:45Hello.
07:46Frasier, this is Sharon Payton.
07:47Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm a big fan of your show.
07:50Thank you.
07:51I'm sure you're tired of hearing that you probably get it all the time.
07:54Oh, well, not lately.
07:57Listen, Sharon, I am so sorry to do this to you,
08:00but I just got a call from the office, and it's urgent, and I have to go.
08:04Oh, sure, that's all right.
08:06Well, you know, as long as you're here, you might as well join me.
08:11That'd be nice.
08:13Okay.
08:14Bye, Ross.
08:15Bye.
08:19You know, I really do love listening to your show.
08:23I think it's because you have such a soothing voice.
08:26What a very kind thing to say.
08:32I almost called in once.
08:34Really? May I ask what the problem was?
08:37Well, I'm terribly competitive, which is great for sports.
08:42I used to play pro golf, but sometimes it seeps into my personal life.
08:48Oh, gosh.
08:49Well, sometimes it seeps into my personal life.
08:52Ah, well, I don't really think that's too great a problem,
08:56but if I were to make a recommendation, it might be to start seeing a therapist.
09:03Oh, hello, gorgeous.
09:05Hello, Bulldog.
09:06It's not you.
09:09Hey, aren't you going to introduce me?
09:11Well, actually, I wasn't, no.
09:13Bob Briscoe.
09:14Sharon Payton.
09:15Yes, good to see you, Bulldog. Don't be a stranger.
09:17Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait a minute.
09:19Sharon Payton?
09:20I know you. LPGA, you won the Denver Open, 1992.
09:261992, you know, that's a fabulous year for a particular champagne I took a shot into.
09:30I know you, too.
09:32You're that guy that said golf is not a sport.
09:35Well, it's not.
09:36Really?
09:37Yeah, no cheerleaders, no blood, and the only cups involved are in the ground.
09:43You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother, Niles,
09:46about whether or not Stephen Sondheim is really light opera.
09:49You know, I have a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well.
09:55Is that a challenge?
09:56It might be.
09:58If we leave right now, we could get in nine holes.
10:00Loser buys dinner.
10:02I got a nine handicap.
10:03You're on.
10:04Frazier, would you like to join us?
10:06Well, no, I don't play.
10:08Oh, well, it was really nice meeting you.
10:10Likewise.
10:11I'll get my coat.
10:13Hold on.
10:14Listen, Ross set this up so that I might meet Sharon.
10:17Two of you got here, things are going in a very positive direction.
10:20Yeah, well, things seem to have changed, haven't they?
10:22What do you eggheads call that, irony?
10:25Look, there's nothing I can do to appeal to your sense of decency.
10:29Hey, I have no sense of decency.
10:31That way my other senses are enhanced.
10:44But the real secret to muckabees is that they mold themselves to the shape of your foot.
10:50Now, my problem was always hammer toes.
10:53If you had hammer toes, you'd have a hell of a time finding shoes.
10:57But muckabees fit over my hammer toes like a glove.
11:05It's funny, you know.
11:07When you're young, you dream about fame and fortune.
11:10And when you get to be my age, all you really want out of life is a comfy pair of shoes.
11:15Right now, I'd settle for never hearing the word hammer toes again.
11:21Hey, don't give me any attitude.
11:23It wasn't me that nuked the muckabees.
11:25Look, I'm not the one who can't remember where the store is where you bought the damn shoes.
11:29Just drive. I'll tell you when to stop.
11:32Stop!
11:35Is that it?
11:36It's a red light.
11:41In this country, we stop for those.
11:44All right, all right.
11:47Woman driver.
11:48Hammer toes.
12:04Frasier.
12:05Oh.
12:09What?
12:11Oh, oh.
12:12Haven't you spoken with Sharon?
12:14I tried, but she wasn't home all weekend.
12:18Frasier.
12:21Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel,
12:26last time I saw Sharon was leaving Cafe Nervosa with Bulldog.
12:31Frasier!
12:32How did you let that happen?
12:34So, no, the whole thing is sort of a blur.
12:36We were talking about golf and something called a handicap.
12:39The next thing I know, I'm sitting there with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.
12:46I'm sorry.
12:47Well, it's all right, Roz.
12:48It's just the whole thing just catapulted me back to high school, you know.
12:52People didn't know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an unathletic bookish sort.
12:58Get out.
13:00Jocks were the bane of my existence.
13:02They always called me a weenie.
13:04They would steal all the girls that I wanted.
13:07Oh, Frasier, you must have had some girlfriends.
13:11Friends, yeah.
13:12Yeah, any time they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry,
13:14I bet some long-handed pillar of testosterone would come by
13:18and it was by my phrase, maybe we can study later.
13:24And I'd head home to Niles and we'd put on the Brandenburg Concertos and play air violin.
13:33Gee, what a couple of nerdlingers.
13:37Well, I suppose you were Miss Popular in high school.
13:40I would say yes.
13:42I'm guessing that explains why, too.
13:48Hey, guys.
13:52What a weekend.
13:53Listen, Bulldog, Sharon is my friend and you had better not hurt her.
13:58What? Hurt her?
14:00I am crazy about her.
14:04I never felt this way before.
14:07You know, on my way to work,
14:10all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me.
14:16Have you ever listened to the words to Time in a Bottle?
14:22It's so beautiful, man, I had to pull over.
14:25It's so beautiful, man, I had to pull over.
14:28Oh, my God, it's in love.
14:32And last night, for the first time in my life,
14:37I actually said those three little words,
14:40stay for breakfast.
14:43You had sex with Sharon?
14:46Doc, please.
14:47We made love.
14:50You know what?
14:51I gotta color.
14:52I gotta color.
14:53No, wait. No.
14:54I gotta play hard to get.
14:56But I miss the sound of her voice.
14:58I'm calling her.
14:59No. Wait.
15:00It's too needy.
15:01Chicks hate that.
15:03I shouldn't call her.
15:05But I want to.
15:08Doc, what should I do?
15:09Don't ask me.
15:10I don't even know who you are.
15:18This was it.
15:19This was it.
15:20This was the Muckabee store.
15:22Now it's gone, and so are the only shoes I ever loved.
15:25Mr. Crane, look at me.
15:27We're talking here about something that's old and smelly and dirty.
15:32Hey.
15:36Not you.
15:37We're talking about Muckabees.
15:40Great shoes.
15:42Just to sell them.
15:43Yeah.
15:44What happened to the store?
15:46Moved.
15:47Do you know where?
15:49It'll cost you.
15:52How much?
15:53Oh, not funny.
15:56I want a kiss.
15:58What?
16:00You heard him.
16:02Mr. Crane.
16:03You burned him.
16:04You owe me.
16:05It's only a kiss.
16:07Not her.
16:09This is Dr. Fraser Crane, KACL 780.
16:12Talk radio.
16:15Thought you'd never finish.
16:16You know, Nas, one day I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis.
16:20Sounds great, except for the dinner part.
16:23I take it you had a bad day, too?
16:25I had an abysmal day.
16:27Remember the ad I placed?
16:29Oh, yes.
16:30That was a good one.
16:31It was a good one.
16:32It was a good one.
16:33It was a good one.
16:34It was a good one.
16:35It was a good one.
16:36It was a good one.
16:37Yes.
16:38About Niles Crane, young specialist, blah, blah, blah.
16:41Yes, well, they've made a tiny little typo.
16:43See if you can find it.
16:48Niles Crane, hung specialist.
16:56Oh, my.
16:59The rest they got perfectly.
17:01Servicing individuals, couples...
17:07...groups.
17:11Satisfaction guaranteed.
17:15Tell me when it hurts.
17:23Well, any calls?
17:27It's a telethon.
17:28Yes.
17:29We'll start with double martinis.
17:31All right.
17:35Hey, Doc, wait a sec.
17:36I need to name one of those fancy restaurants you go to.
17:39Hey, hi.
17:40Sharon, it's me, Bob.
17:43Hey, I had a great time last night.
17:46Listen, how about dinner tonight?
17:49You do?
17:51All right, how about tomorrow night?
17:56Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid.
17:58I'd think you were dumping me.
18:02Well, I walked into that one.
18:06All right.
18:07Hey, yeah, me too.
18:09Good luck, Sharon.
18:12See, I'm sorry, Bulldog.
18:15Me too.
18:17I'll call Francois, see if he can get us a table on the patio.
18:21Two seconds, Bulldog.
18:23All right, right.
18:25Listen, um...
18:26Bulldog, are you gonna be all right?
18:28What, me? Are you kidding? I'm not Bulldog.
18:31Attention, sports fans.
18:33You are in the doghouse.
18:38For some weekend scores.
18:41In football, the Packers crushed the Saints 42-10
18:46and the 49ers humiliated the Patriots 35-7.
18:52And in golf...
18:55Golf. Hey, golf sucks, right?
18:57Go to golf.
18:58You're in the doghouse. Put on a flea collar.
19:02We have the table, Frasier,
19:03but Francois says he can only hold it for ten minutes.
19:06We want to know what's up with the rumor
19:08that the Seahawks are thinking of leaving Seattle again.
19:12I have no respect for them, man.
19:15Anyone who has their fun, then they...
19:18they just leave you.
19:20Hey, to hell with them, right?
19:22We'll get another team.
19:24To hell with them, right?
19:26We'll get another team.
19:28A team that... a team that...
19:31won't ever leave us.
19:33A team we can love forever.
19:36You gotta go to commercial.
19:38I already did.
19:40Bulldog, are you gonna be all right?
19:42You think you can take the show?
19:46Wait, Bulldog, we need a tape.
19:48Where's the best of Bulldog?
19:50She took the best of Bulldog.
19:53We've got dead air in 15 seconds.
19:56Great. Okay, I'll go get Bulldog.
19:58You, take over the show.
20:00Me? A sports show?
20:02You're the only one here.
20:14Okay, uh, sports enthusiasts,
20:16this is Dr. Frasier Crane
20:18filling in for Bob Bulldog Briscoe.
20:23You're on the air.
20:24This is Mike.
20:26I wanted to talk to Bulldog, but you're due.
20:29So what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?
20:32Are you speaking of the...
20:34the frothy musical adaptation of the Palsy Mids
20:37or...
20:39or the baseball team, of which I know nothing?
20:43What a weenie.
20:46Doesn't that take me back?
20:49But he brings up a good point.
20:50You see, while I'm on the air,
20:52please feel free to call in about anything
20:54other than sports.
20:56Please.
20:58Hello? You're on the air.
21:00Yeah, you think it was a good idea
21:02for the Sonics to give up those draft choices
21:05so they could free up some money under the cap?
21:07You know, to go after a wide body
21:09to help them in the paint?
21:13Yes.
21:19You're on the air.
21:22Bulldog!
21:25I know you're in there,
21:27but get out here.
21:30Oh, give me a break, Leonard,
21:32like you haven't fantasized about this moment.
21:37Go away, Rod.
21:39Will you grow up?
21:41See, you got dumped.
21:43You got a little payback for the way you treated women
21:45all your life.
21:47Besides,
21:49Bulldog I know doesn't get sad.
21:51He gets angry.
21:53You're right.
21:55This stinks!
21:57This is total, total BS.
22:03If you don't come out in the next three seconds,
22:06I'm gonna reach in there
22:08and drag you out by your ankles.
22:10Hello, Rod. It's playing hard to get.
22:15It's Bulldog.
22:17You're a psychiatrist? Help him.
22:19As distressed as I am by his condition,
22:21he's not the only one suffering here.
22:23In eight minutes, Frazier and I are going to lose our patio table.
22:26Well, as long as Frazier's filling in for Bulldog,
22:28you're not going anywhere.
22:30You poor man! Help is at hand!
22:35No! No shrinks!
22:37I hate shrinks!
22:39They're all a bunch of wimps, weirdos!
22:42Help me!
22:45There, there.
22:47I'm here for you.
22:49And you're over there for me.
22:55Uh, well, uh,
22:57I-I-I sense you're in a great deal of pain.
22:59Yeah? Make it stop.
23:02No. No, the first step toward healing
23:04is not to bury the pain,
23:06but to feel it at its fullest depth.
23:08Help!
23:13Okay, well, before security arrives,
23:15let's skip on to step two.
23:19What is going on?
23:21Excuse me, Bulldog. Frazier, please, we're in session.
23:23Look, nice man, if we can pull this man together in minutes,
23:25not in a lifetime, for God's sake.
23:27How dare you talk to me like that?
23:29Oh, I would talk to you any way I wish to,
23:31but we don't have the time for this now. Get out!
23:33All right, all right. Bulldog, I'm referring you to my brother.
23:35Frazier, I'll call Francois, tell him there's been a death in the family.
23:37That ought to buy us another ten minutes.
23:40All right, Bulldog, look, we're on a news break.
23:42You have got to pull yourself together,
23:44because there is no way I'm enduring any more of that humiliation.
23:46I am not going out there, man.
23:48You have got to!
23:50I can't even decipher the abbreviations on the score sheets.
23:52I'm guessing by your producer's guffaws
23:54that it is not the Cleveland Independents.
24:00I've just never felt
24:02this way about a chick before.
24:06I was even thinking about her and me having kids.
24:10Isn't that scary?
24:12Positively bone-chilling.
24:15It hurts like hell.
24:17I know, I know, Bulldog.
24:19You know how often through pain
24:21we can achieve emotional growth?
24:23It reminds me of a paper
24:25I recently presented
24:27to the Vancouver Psychiatric Association.
24:29The grumbling of my discourse
24:31was that the sufferer, i.e. you...
24:33Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here.
24:36Can't you stop being a shrink
24:38and just be like a guy?
24:41Like a guy.
24:47Like a guy.
24:51Screw her!
24:55What?
24:57Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash.
25:00Yeah, trash.
25:02You're better off without her. We both are.
25:04I like the sound of this.
25:06Yeah, so do I.
25:08It's unattractive. Get liberating.
25:10Rather like the one and only time
25:12I wore a European bathing suit.
25:14Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
25:16She's a bitch!
25:18Hey, she wasn't even that hot.
25:20You're right. All she did was save me
25:22the trouble of having to dump her.
25:24I never thought about that.
25:26There you go.
25:28Hey, I'm feeling a little better, Doc.
25:30Likewise.
25:32You know, I could talk like this for another 30 seconds.
25:36It was nothing.
25:38It was less than nothing.
25:40Yeah, right.
25:42But tomorrow you're gonna find somebody even hotter
25:44and you know what you're gonna do?
25:46You're gonna have your fun with her
25:48and then you're gonna dump her
25:50just without all of it.
25:52Yeah, dump her!
25:54And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all.
25:56You know why?
25:58Guys! And that's what guys do!
26:04Distressing news, Frasier.
26:06Francois gave away our table.
26:08Screw him!
26:10Excuse me?
26:12You heard what I said.
26:14We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant.
26:16There are plenty of restaurants in town.
26:18I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation.
26:24Thank you, Doc.
26:26Perhaps we can catch the first city
26:28at Lussegar Valor.
26:34Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:36Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:40Quite stylish
26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:46Well, maybe
26:48But I got you pegged
26:52But I don't know what to do
26:54With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:58They're calling again
27:02Ahem!