8 Out of 10 Cats. S04 E06.

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First broadcast 24th November 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Lee Mack
Fiona Allen
Bill Oddie
Griff Rhys Jones

Category

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TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, he's not going out, it's Lee Mack!
00:25King of the Twitchers, Bill Oddie!
00:28And their captain, Sean Locke!
00:32And facing them tonight, Pony Smacker, Fiona Allen!
00:37He's grade one listed, it's Referee's Joe!
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:50Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, a quarter of people don't know what kidneys do?
01:02They make steak pies delicious.
01:05One in three pet owners has made an unplanned visit to the vet in the past two years.
01:09I don't know, it's just a whim, put him down.
01:13And one in ten housewives plan ahead when it comes to evening meals.
01:17They plan to eat oysters under the stars with a Brazilian tango instructor.
01:21And then they sigh, take another swig of gin and put the fish fingers on.
01:25So let's get started.
01:33What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:36We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:38and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:41It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:45Dave, Fiona, Griff, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:48Well, like it or not, the I'm-a-celebrity-get-me-out-of-here rumbles on,
01:51with David Guest as the unlikely star.
01:54And he's a bit odd, but he's good value, I think.
01:57And Lisa Minnelli said this week, they asked her opinion on his venture into the jungle,
02:01and she said, I hope he gets fucked by a kangaroo.
02:05Not only is that a great statement, but it would make a great Bush Tucker trial.
02:08It would, wouldn't it?
02:10You're getting fucked by a kangaroo, you've got to get the stars out of its pocket.
02:14That is a great trial.
02:15One thing I never understand about this is, what's a kangaroo doing in the jungle?
02:18Exactly.
02:19I've never understood. I thought a kangaroo lived in the desert.
02:21They do, indeed.
02:22When they're in the bush, they're always eating kangaroo testicles and things like this.
02:25Some poor kangaroo's gone on a holiday,
02:28and it's happened to just wander into this thing.
02:30What about John Leeming, who's there saying, I'm not a girl's girl?
02:34Well, clearly by a five-failed marriage, she's not a boy's girl either, is she?
02:38When you first heard that, you went, five divorces, that's a lot.
02:41And then you see her for about half an hour and go, no, no, fair enough, yeah.
02:45We've all made mistakes, get out of that.
02:47Yeah, take the house, fuck off.
02:51Any thoughts on I'm a Celebrity over here?
02:52You've been watching it, Sean, you love that kind of thing, don't you?
02:54I watch it from behind the sofa, groaning.
02:58I've only reached its lowest ebb when they try to get that earwig out of Jason Donovan's bum.
03:04Dr. Bob got involved, and I'm fascinated by Dr. Bob,
03:07because a few series ago he was called Dr. Bob,
03:09and the last series he was called Medic Bob.
03:13And the last thing you want when someone's got their fingers up your bum is to go,
03:16are you Dr. Bob?
03:17Well, Medic Bob, actually.
03:20Actually, he's just Bob.
03:22I don't even work on the show.
03:25There's no need to do that, mate.
03:27I don't think that adds a lot.
03:29Why don't you do this?
03:30Why don't you do this?
03:33Am I the only one in thinking that I don't find it terribly edifying
03:37to be in the jungle eating wild animals and insects?
03:41Hey, you don't mind it when the woodpeckers are doing it?
03:43Yeah.
03:44They love a bit of grub, the woodpecker.
03:46They're at it like, woodpeckers.
03:52Are you going to do that after every bit?
03:54Let them have their little childish aside, it's alright, we'll carry on.
03:58What show do you think you're on?
04:00So you're not supposed to eat insects now, are you?
04:02Are you a vegetarian?
04:03I'm not a vegetarian, let's not go there.
04:08That's not a country, vegetarian.
04:12To be perfectly honest, the eating of them I don't find quite so objectionable as the,
04:17you know, isn't it scary to have about 20 rats thrown over you and that sort of thing.
04:21I don't think those rats enjoy it very much.
04:24I imagine if you're a rat, there's not many opportunities on modern television.
04:27There's all sorts of them.
04:28There's been some fantastic documentaries about rats.
04:31I myself have featured rats on television in wildlife documentaries many, many times.
04:36Yes, I even came out in favour of rats,
04:39because people always go on about Ratty in Winning the Willows, don't they?
04:44Yeah, of course, yeah.
04:45Yeah, who was in fact a water vole.
04:49And yet, and yet, if you look at a rat without knowing that it's a rat,
04:54and if he's swimming in the water, you say, isn't that lovely?
04:57Not in the bath, though.
05:00It's in my bath.
05:01Is that a water vole or a rat?
05:03Either way, I'm going to fucking kill it.
05:07OK, let's have a look.
05:12Yes, you are.
05:14Yes, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here was the number two talking point this week.
05:18Seeing Scott Henshaw refuse to eat an anus was like watching Red Rum pull up at Beecher's Brook.
05:25I think the cruelest thing about I'm a Celebrity
05:28is that they put a bunch of D-list celebs in the jungle during panto season.
05:34Sean, Bill and Lee, what have the nation been talking about this week?
05:37The soaring, spiralling, ever-increasing, rising, rocketing cost of the Olympics.
05:43Do you know what it's going to cost?
05:44Opposition critics are claiming that it's going to cost London £8 billion,
05:49when the original estimate was £2.4 billion.
05:51I know some Latvian blokes in Charlotte who do it for half the price.
05:55I'm no VAT.
05:58It just proves every builder is the same, no matter what level.
06:01They could build a country and they're lying fuckers, they are.
06:05Ooh, I could do that for £10 million.
06:08Yeah, all right, you've got the job. They're liars, they all do it.
06:10I think they're just optimistic, they're naturally optimistic people builders.
06:13They look at it, they go, we could do this in a week.
06:16This is easy.
06:17What you need, a running track and a pool, not a bother.
06:21Where exactly, where is the Olympic village going to be?
06:24In Stratford.
06:25Is it Stratford? Sort of out Edmonton way, that sort of way, isn't it?
06:28No, Stratford way.
06:29Stratford way, all right.
06:31But it's sort of in the East End.
06:32Edmonton's more out Edmonton way.
06:34If you want to get there, you go up towards Edmonton.
06:37Do you?
06:38But if you want to get to Stratford, you sort of head towards Stratford,
06:40and eventually, you're sort of in Stratford.
06:42Just so you know, this is the official directions for the marathon.
06:46OK, well, let's have a look and see if the Olympics is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
06:52Yes, indeed it is.
06:55The Olympics is going to cost us £8 billion.
06:57That is disgusting.
06:58For that sort of money, we could have another three weeks in Iraq.
07:02OK, fingers on buzzers.
07:04What else have the nation been talking about this week?
07:07Well, we think it was the former KGB agent spy who was poisoned in London.
07:11The Kremlin said it had nothing to do with them, so it's them ruled out, obviously.
07:16Yeah, that is conclusive.
07:17No wonder he did it.
07:18As the full investigation, we phoned the Kremlin, we said,
07:20were you involved?
07:21They said, no.
07:22No, we definitely weren't.
07:23So, I don't know.
07:24Bye.
07:26I've got to say, I think there's also a sort of slightly racist thing here, you know,
07:30that we assume that this sort of thing could only possibly happen with Russians.
07:35But it can happen in other countries.
07:38It can happen in this country, I absolutely...
07:40Well, it did happen in this country.
07:41Well, I...
07:44OK, let's see if it's one of the top five talking points this week.
07:51Yes, this is the sad story that a former Russian spy was poisoned and died in London this week.
07:56The former KGB spy said,
07:58I ate in a restaurant last night in London and something disagreed with me.
08:01The Russian government.
08:04What else have the nation been talking about?
08:07Tom Cruise, getting married.
08:09You're broken-hearted.
08:10Too short.
08:11I was talking to Griff.
08:15They got married in Rome, which is a bit odd, because they're a Scientology faith.
08:18Yeah.
08:19They got married in Rome, in Italy.
08:20Why is that odd?
08:21Well, it's like Catholics getting married at a Star Trek convention.
08:24Isn't it, really?
08:26Interestingly, the critics of the marriage have said that Scientology is a made-up religion.
08:31Unlike every other religion.
08:32Yeah, yeah.
08:34Christianity.
08:35Far from that. Far from that, isn't it?
08:37It's like, no, no, he could walk on water, and he could, yeah, he could raise the dead,
08:41and just eat that, that's his body, and that's his blood.
08:43That's perfectly normal, obviously.
08:45Yeah, it is normal, compared to the Scientologists who believe that we're all exiled aliens called Thetans.
08:53I'm a Scientologist.
08:54Are you a Scientologist?
08:55Yeah, I am.
08:56I'm not surprised.
08:57I'm a fuck, look at your face.
08:59But Bill, you're a Scientologist.
09:01No, Lee, Lee, they really all believed you.
09:04Bring it on, Griff!
09:06Lee, you're one of the few people Scientology turned down.
09:10Bloody Thetans, though.
09:11They come over here, don't they?
09:12Inhabiting our bodies, shagging our women.
09:16Piss off.
09:19Let's have a look and see if Tom and Katie's wedding is up there.
09:24Yes, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes tied the knot this week in Italy.
09:27It was a traditional Jedi wedding.
09:29Sorry, Scientology, whatever.
09:31At the end of the wedding, the Minister said,
09:33you may now stand on the telephone directory and kiss the bride.
09:37Okay, fingers on buzzers, what is the last story in the top five?
09:41We think it possibly could be the government has had this wheeze
09:44to have supernannies for teaching parenting skills
09:46to kids with Asperger's and stuff like that.
09:48And they seem to be influenced by TV programmes,
09:50the government at the moment.
09:52Yeah, they do love it, don't they?
09:53Jeremy's School Dinners, I know Supernanny.
09:55Yeah, how does Tony Blair get so much time to watch so much early evening TV?
09:58I don't know how he does it.
09:59The thing is, a lot of our wartime leaders
10:01have been bothered about winning the war.
10:04He's taking a very sort of laissez-faire attitude.
10:06Also, watching a lot more telly again, fuck it.
10:09I'll never win this.
10:12I think he should watch the news.
10:15Probably doesn't like it, it comes out of it quite badly, doesn't he?
10:18Also, how can he get his maths so wrong?
10:21There must be how many thousands and thousands and thousands of kids
10:23who've got ASBOs, and he's only sending 70.
10:26Yeah, but they're supernannies.
10:29These ladies can fly.
10:32The best way to deal with this is get all those kids with behavioural problems,
10:35put them on a plane and fly them to a country
10:37where you're allowed to give them a good clout.
10:40Saudi Arabia, somewhere like that.
10:42That's more than a good clout, Sean.
10:46Right, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
10:52Yes, Tony Blair has announced plans to hire supernannies to help parents.
10:55The government's new transport policy has been revealed.
10:58Blair plans to pimp our rides.
11:02So, at the end of that round, it's one point to Sean's team
11:04and four points to Dave's team.
11:08The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:11Sean's team to go first.
11:12While on a job, one in four builders what?
11:15Well, I'd just like to say, at 4-1 down,
11:18we've never come back from a score like that,
11:20so we actually just concede.
11:23OK, well, that's the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen.
11:26We've never had this before.
11:27It'll just be the test card for the next 15 minutes.
11:30You do look a bit like that girl from the test card.
11:32You do look a bit like that girl from the test card, Jimmy.
11:39Any thoughts on this? One in four builders?
11:41It's obvious. While on a job, one in four builders does some fucking work
11:45and the other three what?
11:48Is it compliments a young lady on her massive tits?
11:52If only it stopped at that, I have to say, as a matter of fact.
11:55Would they compliment you as well on your massive tits?
11:58You all right, Bill?
12:01No, it's Bill. B-I-W. It's Bill.
12:03Sorry, and you can tell how they're spelling it just from them shouting?
12:06Oh, yeah, absolutely.
12:07I have never yet been called by my name properly by Bill.
12:11It's always Bill.
12:13I bet it's not always Bill.
12:22What are they shouting apart from?
12:24It's like, er...
12:25Do you like me? And things like that.
12:29Do you like me?
12:31I've heard loads of Bill shouts. I've never heard anyone shout,
12:33Do you like me, Bill?
12:37Cos I like you.
12:40These builders, they don't have big black mustaches and they're in Village People.
12:45The area of North London I live in.
12:46One in four builders ends up shagging the lonely housewife on the kitchen table
12:52whilst the husband is away...
12:54Is out birdwatching.
12:55Yeah, not birdwatching.
12:58What were you doing, Bill?
13:03Hey, sorry, Bill, were you really birdwatching with those binoculars?
13:07Or are you just, hang on, he's giving her one.
13:11He only came to do the kitchen.
13:14I can give you a clue, I can tell you.
13:15It's something to do with their unexpected eating habits.
13:17Gourmet food in their packaging.
13:19Well, you're pretty close with that.
13:20Fruit.
13:21Correct answer.
13:24Now, this is extraordinary, ladies and gentlemen.
13:25While on the job, one in four builders regularly has sushi or salad for lunch.
13:30Which begs the question, why are they such fat bastards?
13:33OK, Dave, Fiona and Griff, on their first mission, 75% of astronauts what?
13:38Never left Earth.
13:42Do you think they landed on the moon? Do you think that's a genuine thing?
13:45Well, you can see the shadows of the photos.
13:47Well, there's proof if ever we needed it.
13:50And the flag's flying.
13:52The flag's flying?
13:53Oh.
13:54There's wind, but there's wind on the moon. The moon's very windy.
13:57The moon is not windy.
13:59Yes, it is very windy.
14:00It is not windy, otherwise they'd have built a windmill up there or something like that.
14:04I'm prepared to go toe-to-toe with the hardest man in England on this one.
14:08It's bloody windy up there.
14:10Wind, wind is air blowing around, you see.
14:14It's air blowing about.
14:16That's why it's windy.
14:19Of course there's air on the moon.
14:20There is an air on the moon.
14:21Fucking shut up!
14:27Easy.
14:28I think we've upset Fiona, let's all just take a moment.
14:31There's air, there's no oxygen on the moon.
14:33There is air, it just hasn't got any oxygen in it.
14:37What's it made of then? Yoghurt?
14:38What's it made of?
14:40Have a start!
14:41Have a start!
14:43You would make the best science professor in the world.
14:46Mother stuff, mooniac!
14:48Write it down.
14:51On their first mission, 75% of astronauts what?
14:53Play with their own piss, like this.
14:59They eat the packed lunch before they get to the stratosphere.
15:03Nothing left for the rest, no?
15:04Demand a lot of air miles from NASA.
15:09No, I think you'll find there's no air up there.
15:11I'm sorry.
15:12What is air?
15:14It's moon air.
15:16I've been doing a whole series about it since.
15:20Or, just for fun, one of them goes...
15:23Can anyone hear that?
15:26I bet at least one of them goes, are we there yet?
15:30Just checking our edges.
15:33But you didn't have to do that in a northern accent.
15:35Yeah, I did because I was trying to be stupid.
15:42Perfect.
15:44It's something to do with their stomachs. Any thoughts?
15:46I wish they hadn't had a curry last night.
15:48Throw up!
15:50Throw up is exactly the right answer. Well done, Griff.
15:54Yes, on their first mission, 75% of astronauts throw up.
15:57Of course, the other 25% blow up.
16:02It's not my fault, talk to NASA.
16:04So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Bill and Lee have two points.
16:07Dave, Fiona and Griff have five points.
16:11Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what makes men cry.
16:26Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The next round is Believe It Or Not.
16:29In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement
16:31and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
16:34OK, this is for everyone. Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
16:42Suda, I don't seem to have an email from you again.
16:46Really? I sent it at three.
16:48Well, it's not here.
16:49I don't understand. I sent it.
16:51I thought you wrote down how to do it.
16:54Yes.
16:55Well, perhaps you wrote it wrong with your dyslexia and...
17:12It is there.
17:19That was a clip from a training video for office managers.
17:22If you've got dyslexia, there is a number you can call,
17:24but pointless giving it to you, you won't be able to write it down, will you?
17:29Your related statistic, 16% of bosses have made a decision based on their horoscope.
17:33Do you think that's true or false?
17:35What are you?
17:36I'm a Virgo.
17:37What are you then, Fiona?
17:38I'm a Piscean.
17:39A Piscean?
17:40A Piscean.
17:41Least likely to kill somebody in your family if you're a Piscean.
17:44Least likely to kill someone...
17:46You are clutching at straws.
17:48Here's some advice, don't put that in a personal ad.
17:52Tom Bowers.
17:53Apart from the magpies, obviously.
17:55I see two magpies.
17:56That's typical school shit.
17:59Hang on, you must see two magpies every day, surely?
18:01Several.
18:02Would you call yourself lucky?
18:03Absolutely.
18:04Every time I go past a building site, somebody goes...
18:08I like it.
18:09And then you get lucky.
18:10Hey, Bill! Bill, come here!
18:13I want to make love to you, Bill!
18:16I don't think it's ever happened before, but I imagine this weekend it's going to be happening a lot.
18:21Builders, if you're watching, please.
18:23For us.
18:27Can you make bird noises?
18:28Some of them, yeah.
18:29I can make one of a bird hit the pavement.
18:34It's the only one I do, really.
18:35What would you like?
18:36I would like a chaffinch.
18:37I know a chaffinch already.
18:39It's like a fast bowler running up, and so he goes...
18:45That's condo.
18:51That's what the bird makes, that noise.
18:54Did Bill just stand up then?
18:56Amazing, that's extraordinary.
18:57A man actually gets out of his seat and is smaller than when he was sitting there.
19:02Bill Oddie, I've had it up to here.
19:05Have you really had Bill Oddie up to there?
19:11Yeah, I used to work on a building site, Lee.
19:14I bet you don't know what this one is.
19:16This is for true, this is true. It goes...
19:21That's not an impression of a bird.
19:23It is!
19:24That's a midlife crisis, is what that is, Bill.
19:26It's one of the best loved birds in the country.
19:29Is it a blackbird on a moped?
19:34Is it a forgetful sparrow?
19:40It's a puffin.
19:41Is it?
19:42Yes.
19:43Very well loved, I'm always bumping into puffins.
19:46Can I just remind us, and I think you may find this amusing, ladies and gentlemen,
19:49I'd like to remind you what the question is.
19:5116% of bosses have made a decision based on their horoscopes, true or false.
19:57True or false?
19:58The fuck are you people talking about?
20:0516% of bosses have made a decision based on their horoscopes, true or false.
20:08We think it's true.
20:09You think it's true?
20:10What do you think?
20:11We think it's false.
20:12I think it's possible, but unlikely.
20:15Thanks for that, Lee, that's really cleared things up.
20:18I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:22So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's two points for Sean's team and six points for Dave's team.
20:28And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:31I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls.
20:33It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:36Here is your first one.
20:38Britain's favourite noise.
20:40Is it that honking noise that women's breasts make when you go like that?
20:53That last one was Jordan.
20:57He's in his...
21:03That's the biggest hit I've ever seen.
21:06It's not that.
21:07It might be.
21:08It isn't, that's Britain's favourite noise.
21:10How about...
21:14What was that?
21:15That's an albatross shitting on Belloddy.
21:21Albatrosses are quite rare.
21:23They're rare, they're rare.
21:28Go on, what do you think favourite noise might be?
21:30Oh, that is... you're so close with that.
21:35Exactly the right answer.
21:39Yes, Britain's favourite noise is the glug of wine as it pours into a wine glass.
21:43I think that statistic is skewed by the fact that the people most likely to stop and talk to a woman with a clipboard are winos.
21:50Next question.
21:51Thing most likely to make men cry.
21:53Catching your knob in your zip.
21:56I don't understand how anyone does that.
21:58Because normally when I do my trousers up, I've put my penis away.
22:03I've had the presence of mind to finish my urination and put the penis away and then do my trousers up.
22:08I don't shake it and then go, ah, I forgot to put my penis away.
22:14It would be a miracle if I was in a toilet in the first place if I was that bleeding stupid.
22:19I'd probably be standing in the food hall at Harrods pissing on some cheese.
22:24Thing most likely to make men cry. Griff.
22:26It's a little pony with a very long mane getting separated from its mothers and getting lost in the enchanted forest.
22:34And then after a lot of adventures finally finding its way back to its mother and the rest of the herd.
22:45Speaking for the older generation, I would have to say that it's accepting that your daughter's friends simply think of you as her dad.
22:57So you're crying because you can't fuck your daughter's friends.
23:05High five, Bill O'Reilly.
23:06That is perhaps the most honest answer we've ever had on this show.
23:15Just so good up to Bill O'Reilly, you go, oh, you must be Joanne's dad.
23:24Welcome to Springwatch. I've got some binoculars. I'm in a shed.
23:29My daughter's having a sleepover.
23:32Should be a hell of a show.
23:36Thing most likely to make men cry. It's something you do in the kitchen.
23:39Onions.
23:40Onions is exactly the right answer.
23:45That now tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are.
23:49Sean, Bill and Lee have two points, but our winners are Dave, Fiona and Griff with eight points.
23:59Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
24:02That's it from us. Good night.