8 Out of 10 Cats. S02 E07.

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deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 24th March 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Alan Carr
Jessica Hynes
Carol Thatcher
Ulrika Jonsson
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, about the star of the new film Confetti, it's Jessica Stevenson.
00:28Queen of the Jungle, it's Carole Thatcher.
00:31And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:35And facing them tonight, Blonde Bombshell, Ulrika Johnson.
00:40Tart with the heart, Ellen Carr.
00:43And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:47Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:52Well, thanks very much. Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:02Did you know, for example, koalas are asleep 80% of the time, so keep it down.
01:0991% of people over 60 think we show less respect for each other than we did in the past.
01:15Silly old fuckers.
01:19And a single kiss can contain 40,000 parasites, 250 types of bacteria and up to 0.45 grams of fat.
01:27A French kiss is the same, but it can also contain dog shit and garlic.
01:32Let's get started.
01:41What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:44We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:49It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:53Sean, Jessica, Carole Thatcher, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:57This is a bit of a shot in the dark, but Commonwealth Games.
02:00Oh, yes. Commonwealth Games.
02:03Yeah, which is pretty much a medal trolley dash, isn't it, really?
02:09Jersey might win a medal, which I thought was quite nice. They're very excited.
02:12Because the only time they've won a medal before was for fudge.
02:17Jessica, have you been watching it?
02:19Oh, quite avidly. We're actually winning things.
02:21I mean, the Commonwealth Games is a game for people who don't really want to compete with people who might beat them.
02:26You know, like America.
02:28I think the strange thing about the Commonwealth Games is the fact that it's basically all countries that Britain's invaded in the past.
02:34And it's a bit cheeky, really. It's like saying,
02:37that whole thing we invaded and took all your natural resources, it's all right, it's fine, isn't it?
02:41We're all fine about that. Let's play.
02:44Come on, let's play.
02:46Some of these Pacific islands that come along,
02:48they mustn't be used to, like, all the razzle and dazzle of the Commonwealth Games.
02:52I don't know if you saw the opening ceremony,
02:54but I can imagine when that koala came down on that flip-flop, people going,
02:57trying to get it to speak.
02:59Because you would be freaked out, wouldn't you?
03:02Did you say koala on a flip-flop?
03:04Yes.
03:05Because I didn't see the opening of the games, and I'm really regretting it now.
03:08A tram with whims comes down, and you think, this is ridiculous,
03:11double-take, koala on a flip-flop.
03:14People from Papua New Guinea shitting themselves.
03:18Probably thinking, we've got a new god.
03:24Let's have a look and see if the Commonwealth Games were one of the most talked about things this week.
03:29Yes, 44% of you have been talking about the Commonwealth Games.
03:32Congratulations to the Scottish, who did very well in the swimming,
03:35after the heating in the pool broke down.
03:38Safety, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:40Budget, probably. Gordon Brown's tenth and possibly final budget.
03:44VAT off condoms.
03:46Well, that's going to save me, what, 13 pence a year?
03:52He said, he also knows champagne, there's no duty on champagne.
03:55He said, we might win the World Cup.
03:57Was that we, you Scottish git?
04:01The one thing that got me about the budget was, they were saying how green it was,
04:04and one of his ideas, Gordon Brown, was to put a wind turbine on the back of every council house, right?
04:11Now, if you live on the estate I live, it's going to be like living in a fucking wind tunnel.
04:15I mean, there's going to be chavs, Alsatians, buggies, blowing past me window.
04:21Is that hailstones? No, just sovereign rings banging on that.
04:25There's also, his headline grabby thing was four by fours get punished in some way.
04:34People who drive those huge, kind of tank-like cars, the four by fours, you know,
04:39they're getting taxed more than ordinary people who drive ordinary cars.
04:43I have one and I'm very proud of mine, so fuck you.
04:46That's the kind of person we're trying to stop.
04:51But I do recycle things. I do a lot of recycling.
04:55Hmm, I've seen that top before.
05:01I'm not stereotypical, but there are generally women taking the kids to school.
05:05They've got to take those kids to school, but some of those kids' legs are about that long.
05:08They've got to need a big car for them. Some of them have got satchels as well.
05:12They take up a lot of room, and they're tired after a day in school and they need to lie down.
05:18Well, fuck you, I still like to have mine, so there you go.
05:20You like it?
05:21Yeah, I like it.
05:22Are you going to be £40 worse off?
05:24I am, and that's why I'm on this show.
05:31Has anyone seen the budget that John Prescott had fallen asleep? Did you see that?
05:36It was like that, wasn't it?
05:37It was funny because Gordon Brown said, like, we're going to cut money here,
05:41as you can see on my pie chart. He went, pie!
05:44I want to talk about the secret donors. Donuts!
05:48Perked him up a few times.
05:50He's also planning to give women more opportunities, work, training.
05:54In fact, he's said it's double training for women. It's almost like a sort of punishment.
05:59Basically, he wants more women plumbers. Sounds like a fetish, but...
06:04So he's trying to get more female plumbers, Gordon?
06:06I imagine he's got this idea that he comes down one day and he's got his dressing gown open
06:11and there's just women plumbers all over his house.
06:16Crawling all over it.
06:18Some website, I don't know, Wrench Wench or something.
06:25Let's see if the budget is one of the top five.
06:31Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about?
06:33Rivers of cash, political sleaze, flogging peerages for cash.
06:38Yeah, it wouldn't have happened in your mum's day, would it?
06:40No.
06:42Well, there was a bit of sleaze in Tory days. There wasn't there in...
06:45Well, everyone's sleazy. I mean, it's politics, man.
06:48Yeah.
06:52They're calling the loans in, aren't they? A lot of people, they've realised that
06:55it's kind of sullied their title that it's been bought for, so they're calling the loans in
06:59and Labour will have a funding problem in the next few months.
07:02The Labour Party, they could do one of those Oxfam adverts, couldn't they?
07:06Just two pounds a month, and then I'd like John Prescott to open an empty fridge and go...
07:13That's a good one, isn't it?
07:19Didn't Gordon Brown say? He's the Chancellor of Exchequer.
07:21He knew nothing about it. I know nothing about these loans.
07:24Pop round to Tony's for a cup of tea. He's like, is that new Conservatory?
07:29Where's the money come from for that? Oh, scratch card. Got lucky, you know.
07:33I've just come round to discuss the next party conference. What do you think, Brighton?
07:36Bournemouth? Mauritius?
07:40Well, shall we have a look and see if the Labour loans is in the top five?
07:44Yes, it is.
07:48Yes, the Labour loans scandal rumbles on.
07:50The problem with the scandal is that it's so boring.
07:52Say what you want about the Tories, but their sleaze was brilliant.
07:55They got their secretaries pregnant, they had sex with trollops in football kits,
07:58they asphyxi-wanked themselves to death with oranges in their mouths.
08:02Your mum's got a lot to be proud of.
08:07Dave or Rika, Alan, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:10What do we think? Is it that the hostage is being released?
08:13Yeah, the hostage is being released.
08:15Well, Norman Kemba. Norman Kemba's free. God bless him.
08:17I know. I mean, he's 84. I mean, he's a pensioner.
08:20You know what I mean? If he wanted to be beaten and chained to a radiator,
08:23he would have got a home help.
08:29As he was pulled out of the cell, he went,
08:31that's the last time I go on a cell call, isn't it?
08:36What was he doing there in the first place?
08:38He said he wanted to make a difference.
08:40Norman Kemba wanted to go and make a difference.
08:43All the Iraqis are going, he's coming, Norman Kemba's coming.
08:47He's got a guitar and some sandals.
08:50Come by, eh? No, you come by here, mate.
08:54Well, shall we have a look and see if Norman Kemba is up there?
08:57Yes, he is.
08:59Yes, the number one talking point this week
09:01was the release of hostage Norman Kemba.
09:03Church leaders described the release of Norman Kemba as a miracle.
09:06Other miracles in Baghdad this week included car bombs
09:09that killed 60 people every day.
09:11Nice one, God.
09:18OK, there's one more thing in the news.
09:21It's Mother's Day on Sunday, people have been talking about that.
09:24I bought a card today. It's the biggest rip-off in the world.
09:27It's cards, they've invented occasions.
09:29I mean, Mother's Day is pretty legitimate.
09:31But, I mean, happy bonfire night.
09:33Happy bonfire night, congratulations on your first shag.
09:37How irritating you've got thrush.
09:41Congratulations on your hung jury.
09:43I got to the till and I went, I love that card, please.
09:46Nice card, it's got roses on it.
09:48She went, that'll be £3.99.
09:50Doesn't it fucking want?
09:53For a bit of card, £3.99.
09:55I went to Boots next door and I got a gift voucher.
09:58Pound, and you get a card with it.
10:01And you don't have to send a gift voucher, you just send a card.
10:04Go back in next week with another pound,
10:06have a gift voucher, please, there you go.
10:09What are you getting your mum for Mother's Day?
10:14Sorry, that was in English, wasn't it?
10:16She might want to keep it secret, she doesn't want her mum to know.
10:19I don't know whether Maggie watches this.
10:21I'm pretty sure she doesn't.
10:33I can tell you, Mother's Day is not on the list.
10:35It's one of the smaller stories this week.
10:37Of course, everyone loves their mum, even if they've done really bad things,
10:40like systematically dismantle the unions or destroy the welfare state.
10:44Or go to war to win an election.
10:50Fingers on buzzers, any other idea what's in the top five?
10:53Is it the story about the teacher who's suing for sexual discrimination
10:57because she was given a humorous chair?
11:00She had a flatulent chair, a chair that made fart noises when she sat in it.
11:04She said she was deliberately given this chair to undermine her position.
11:08Apparently, this happened for four years.
11:10So you'd think, you know, after six months, she might get another chair.
11:15Sorry, for four years?
11:16Four years, apparently, this happened.
11:18She said she had to constantly go, explain it.
11:21She'd go, it's not me, it's the chair.
11:23Occasionally, she'd go, that was me.
11:27Probably she wasn't taken seriously.
11:29I mean, she went to the governors and said, look, my chair farts.
11:32And they went, who smelt it?
11:37I've got the picture, do you want to see it?
11:38Have you got it?
11:39Yeah, have a look.
11:42Look at the face, no expression there.
11:44She looks like she's holding a fart in.
11:48What?
11:53Well, let's have a look and see if the farting chair is up there.
11:56Amazingly, it's one of the most talked about things this week.
12:00This is the story about a teacher who sued her school because they gave her a farting chair.
12:06She had made a really convincing case for herself at the tribunal
12:09until she let one rip and blew the judge's wig off.
12:18At the end of that round, Sean's team have three points and Dave's team have two points.
12:24The next round is called the poll with a hold.
12:26We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
12:29and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:31Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
12:34So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:3667% of Brits think that what is the ultimate status symbol?
12:41Having your own table in Greggs the Baker's.
12:44Same table, sir. Thank you.
12:52It's like they lift their white trilbies.
12:55Why do they wear white trilbies, bakers? I don't understand that.
12:59There's something jazz about them.
13:07Using a baguette as a stick.
13:14It's kind of something that the super-rich have.
13:17A jet.
13:18Even more impressive than a jet.
13:20A country.
13:21A country is pretty close.
13:22Private island.
13:23Correct.
13:24That's the right answer.
13:2967% of Brits think that owning a private island is the ultimate status symbol.
13:33Of course, they say no man is an island, although when Eamon Holmes is swimming,
13:36you'd be forgiven for making the mistake.
13:39OK, Sean, Jessica and Carol.
13:41One in five pet owners love what?
13:44Testing out shampoo at home.
13:51I'm not using that one.
13:55Have you got any pets, Carol?
13:56No.
13:57No? All right. Thanks.
13:59I love chatting with you. It's great fun.
14:05It's to do with the rest of their family.
14:07More than their children.
14:09That is the right answer.
14:11Oh, my God.
14:15Here's your next one.
14:1626% of women are impressed by men who can what?
14:19Impressed by men who can watch loose women without throwing acid in their own face.
14:30Impressed by men who can find the G-spot.
14:32Apparently it's between 11 o'clock and 1 o'clock.
14:3411 o'clock and 1 o'clock?
14:37I'm not staying up special, you know what I mean?
14:42I am impressed by men who can dance, actually.
14:45That does impress me.
14:47Slightly suspicious, but...
14:53I've got a table at Greg's.
14:56It's quite a simple thing.
14:58The clue is, it's remembering something.
15:00Why is it that men are bad at remembering things?
15:02Because it's not important.
15:03OK.
15:05Remember the birthday, is it? Or remembering the anniversary?
15:07That is the right answer, Dave.
15:12So, at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean, Jessica and Carol,
15:15and four points for Dave, Ulrika and Alan.
15:19Join me in a round of applause.
15:21And four points for Dave, Ulrika and Alan.
15:25Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
15:27the most annoying thing about weddings.
15:40Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
15:42Time for What's The Poll?
15:43I'm going to show you five people who are all popular answers on the same poll.
15:46All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll.
15:49Here is your first person.
15:51This is Mr Bono, who is a singer.
15:53He has a gift for you.
15:55Oh, this is the great poet of Ireland.
15:59It is 20 years since you went to Ireland.
16:02A very special trip. I was a boy.
16:05And you are a great showman as well as a great holy man.
16:09That is for you.
16:11And also my glasses I give to you.
16:15That was Bono there meeting the Pope.
16:17He's giving him the present and the Pope's going,
16:19just give it to me.
16:21He's going, just give me a clean present.
16:23I just want my present.
16:25And he gives him his glasses like he's a rang-a-tang or something.
16:29Just put them on.
16:31What poll might he have appeared on?
16:33Is it people who you'd never hear say enough about me?
16:37Would you like you to, Carol?
16:39I don't listen to a lot of music. Does that answer your question?
16:42Yeah.
16:45God, he'd be a tough date.
16:50People who like going carbooting.
16:52I'll just check. Hang on.
16:54No.
16:56OK, let's have a look at the next person on the poll.
16:58Oh, Flamie will kill you!
17:01You did it for me!
17:03You take back what you said, you bitch!
17:06You cow!
17:11That was, of course, Peggy Mitchell there.
17:13That was like watching the Chuckle Brothers with wigs on.
17:17She did do a funny little run-up, the...
17:20So, Bono and Peggy Mitchell.
17:22What poll might they both have featured on?
17:24Is it people that once you pinch their bum, they start to giggle?
17:29A poll of somebody whose wig stays still while her face moves?
17:33I don't know.
17:35Are they people who've lost items of clothing in Pauline's laundrette?
17:43Let's have a look at the next person on our list.
17:45Edwina Curry, are you always two-faced?
17:47I beg your pardon?
17:48Are you always this two-faced?
17:50This morning you told me blatantly that you were happy with your special,
17:53and now, seven hours later, you're not happy with it.
17:56That's what I'm saying. Are you always this two-faced?
17:58One minute you're shagging our Prime Minister,
18:00and now you're trying to shag me from behind.
18:08Gordon Ramsay there, arguing with Edwina Curry.
18:10Gordon Ramsay once famously called Gary Rhodes a c***.
18:13Oh, no, wait, that was me.
18:17What poll do you think Bono, Peggy Mitchell and Gordon Ramsay might have appeared on?
18:21Is it food-related? It's like, he makes pizza, doesn't he?
18:25Gordon Ramsay.
18:27And then The Edge is the name of a pizza.
18:33Peggy Mitchell's friend's Pat Butcher, whose nickname's Stuffed Crust.
18:38And, er...
18:41Sean, what do you make of Gordon Ramsay?
18:43I watched a bit of The Nightmares thing there.
18:45You see, that woman in Derby who bought that restaurant, The Gondola.
18:48Oh, my God!
18:49It's 500 things on the menu.
18:51I know.
18:52That's why I don't watch it.
18:54Do you see her name?
18:55Oh, my God.
18:56This is good, cos I didn't get to go to the laundrette this week,
18:58so I'm catching up on all the news.
19:01OK, let's have a look at the next person.
19:03Never, ever, ever underestimate me,
19:06cos you will be making a fatal error.
19:08I don't like liars. I don't like cheats.
19:11I don't like bullshitters.
19:13I don't like schmoozers. I don't like arse-lickers.
19:18All right, on your bike.
19:22So, Gordon Ramsay, Peggy Mitchell, Bono, Alan Sugar, what's the poll?
19:25Judging by some of the clips we've seen,
19:27they obviously have, or at least three of them,
19:29have got bossy, violent, homicidal tendencies.
19:32You're along the right lines.
19:34I tell you what, Carol, you'd make a great detective sidekick.
19:38I felt like Morse, and you were my Lewis there, pretty much.
19:42I can see a pattern emerging here.
19:45There's got to be a really good connection.
19:47Well, it is a good connection.
19:49It's to do with people wanting to have a relationship with them.
19:52Some people want to work once.
19:54That's exactly the right answer.
19:58The answer is they all appear on a poll of dream celebrity bosses.
20:02I've got a terrible boss. I'm self-employed.
20:04And I'm currently on sexual harassment charges.
20:10So, at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean Steen
20:12and six points for Dave's team.
20:18And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:20I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
20:22and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:25Here is your first one. Most annoying thing about weddings.
20:29Me, cos I always drink too much, and I try to get everybody dancing.
20:33And then I kind of make the excuses because,
20:35oh, I've got kids and I'm out, you know, and it's a lie.
20:38It's just I'm just the same as I always have been,
20:40which is rowdy and alcoholic.
20:42Is this the marriage bit?
20:44Yeah, it's legally binding and everything.
20:46Really annoying.
20:48Speeches. I mean, people do bang on, don't they?
20:51Yeah, sorry about that. It's kind of my job, though, in fairness.
20:55Is it like the realisation that you've wasted a whole Saturday afternoon
20:58watching this shit?
21:01Jessica, you're in a film about weddings, aren't you?
21:03I am. I'm in a film with you, Jimmy Carr.
21:06Imagine that mishap in Carlston.
21:10It was all improvised.
21:11If you asked them where we were filming the next day,
21:13they'd go, we don't know, we'll see what happens.
21:15She's trying to get rid of you, Jimmy.
21:18Sorry, yeah, we don't know where we're going to be.
21:21OK, most annoying thing about weddings.
21:23Is it wedding lists?
21:24That's the right answer.
21:28Top hobby for women.
21:31Shopping, retail therapy, bashing the credit card,
21:34buying a load of shit in sales that you're never going to wear
21:36because it was a bargain.
21:37That sounded almost like a rap.
21:42Is it nagging?
21:43Yeah, sisters, is it nagging?
21:45Is it, sisters?
21:47What do you do? I mean, you're women here, there's lots of women here.
21:50What the hell do you do with your spare time?
21:52It might help us if you put your brains together, girl.
21:55Don't you like, you know, making little things?
21:57Yeah, I love making things, Sean, but I haven't got the time, have I?
22:00What?
22:01Too busy doing the washing.
22:03Do none of you like falconry or anything like that?
22:05Yeah, I'd love to do a bit of falconry, Sean.
22:08Get a big glove.
22:09There ain't enough hours in the day.
22:11I'll go home now, tonight, and do some falconry.
22:14Oh, I'd love to do it, but we'd all love to do a bit of falconry, Sean.
22:17Yes.
22:18The thing about you, Sean, is you really understand women.
22:22It's an obvious hobby.
22:23Shooting. They like going shooting.
22:26You might get a bit dirty doing it.
22:28Gardening!
22:29Correct.
22:31Just got that.
22:32Worst royal to go on holiday with?
22:35Queen Mother.
22:39I'm going to have to break the news to you, Sean.
22:41No, no, no. You try and check a coffin at Heathrow.
22:45And you say, no, it's to come back as well.
22:48We're just going away for a little trip.
22:51Is it Prince Philip?
22:52You're absolutely right.
22:53Am I?
22:56Yes, according to the survey, the worst royal to go on holiday with is the Duke of Edinburgh.
23:00Tell that to Dodi Fayed.
23:04What, no one can tell me that weekend went well?
23:08Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:10which means the final scores are Sean, Jessica and Carol have six points,
23:13Dave, Ulrika and Alan have nine points.
23:15They're this week's winners.
23:20Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:22and to all of you for watching at home.
23:24That's it from us. Good night.