First broadcast 24th March 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Jessica Hynes
Carol Thatcher
Ulrika Jonsson
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Jessica Hynes
Carol Thatcher
Ulrika Jonsson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, about the star of the new film Confetti, it's Jessica Stevenson.
00:28Queen of the Jungle, it's Carole Thatcher.
00:31And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:35And facing them tonight, Blonde Bombshell, Ulrika Johnson.
00:40Tart with the heart, Ellen Carr.
00:43And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:47Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:52Well, thanks very much. Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:02Did you know, for example, koalas are asleep 80% of the time, so keep it down.
01:0991% of people over 60 think we show less respect for each other than we did in the past.
01:15Silly old fuckers.
01:19And a single kiss can contain 40,000 parasites, 250 types of bacteria and up to 0.45 grams of fat.
01:27A French kiss is the same, but it can also contain dog shit and garlic.
01:32Let's get started.
01:41What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:44We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:49It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:53Sean, Jessica, Carole Thatcher, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:57This is a bit of a shot in the dark, but Commonwealth Games.
02:00Oh, yes. Commonwealth Games.
02:03Yeah, which is pretty much a medal trolley dash, isn't it, really?
02:09Jersey might win a medal, which I thought was quite nice. They're very excited.
02:12Because the only time they've won a medal before was for fudge.
02:17Jessica, have you been watching it?
02:19Oh, quite avidly. We're actually winning things.
02:21I mean, the Commonwealth Games is a game for people who don't really want to compete with people who might beat them.
02:26You know, like America.
02:28I think the strange thing about the Commonwealth Games is the fact that it's basically all countries that Britain's invaded in the past.
02:34And it's a bit cheeky, really. It's like saying,
02:37that whole thing we invaded and took all your natural resources, it's all right, it's fine, isn't it?
02:41We're all fine about that. Let's play.
02:44Come on, let's play.
02:46Some of these Pacific islands that come along,
02:48they mustn't be used to, like, all the razzle and dazzle of the Commonwealth Games.
02:52I don't know if you saw the opening ceremony,
02:54but I can imagine when that koala came down on that flip-flop, people going,
02:57trying to get it to speak.
02:59Because you would be freaked out, wouldn't you?
03:02Did you say koala on a flip-flop?
03:04Yes.
03:05Because I didn't see the opening of the games, and I'm really regretting it now.
03:08A tram with whims comes down, and you think, this is ridiculous,
03:11double-take, koala on a flip-flop.
03:14People from Papua New Guinea shitting themselves.
03:18Probably thinking, we've got a new god.
03:24Let's have a look and see if the Commonwealth Games were one of the most talked about things this week.
03:29Yes, 44% of you have been talking about the Commonwealth Games.
03:32Congratulations to the Scottish, who did very well in the swimming,
03:35after the heating in the pool broke down.
03:38Safety, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:40Budget, probably. Gordon Brown's tenth and possibly final budget.
03:44VAT off condoms.
03:46Well, that's going to save me, what, 13 pence a year?
03:52He said, he also knows champagne, there's no duty on champagne.
03:55He said, we might win the World Cup.
03:57Was that we, you Scottish git?
04:01The one thing that got me about the budget was, they were saying how green it was,
04:04and one of his ideas, Gordon Brown, was to put a wind turbine on the back of every council house, right?
04:11Now, if you live on the estate I live, it's going to be like living in a fucking wind tunnel.
04:15I mean, there's going to be chavs, Alsatians, buggies, blowing past me window.
04:21Is that hailstones? No, just sovereign rings banging on that.
04:25There's also, his headline grabby thing was four by fours get punished in some way.
04:34People who drive those huge, kind of tank-like cars, the four by fours, you know,
04:39they're getting taxed more than ordinary people who drive ordinary cars.
04:43I have one and I'm very proud of mine, so fuck you.
04:46That's the kind of person we're trying to stop.
04:51But I do recycle things. I do a lot of recycling.
04:55Hmm, I've seen that top before.
05:01I'm not stereotypical, but there are generally women taking the kids to school.
05:05They've got to take those kids to school, but some of those kids' legs are about that long.
05:08They've got to need a big car for them. Some of them have got satchels as well.
05:12They take up a lot of room, and they're tired after a day in school and they need to lie down.
05:18Well, fuck you, I still like to have mine, so there you go.
05:20You like it?
05:21Yeah, I like it.
05:22Are you going to be £40 worse off?
05:24I am, and that's why I'm on this show.
05:31Has anyone seen the budget that John Prescott had fallen asleep? Did you see that?
05:36It was like that, wasn't it?
05:37It was funny because Gordon Brown said, like, we're going to cut money here,
05:41as you can see on my pie chart. He went, pie!
05:44I want to talk about the secret donors. Donuts!
05:48Perked him up a few times.
05:50He's also planning to give women more opportunities, work, training.
05:54In fact, he's said it's double training for women. It's almost like a sort of punishment.
05:59Basically, he wants more women plumbers. Sounds like a fetish, but...
06:04So he's trying to get more female plumbers, Gordon?
06:06I imagine he's got this idea that he comes down one day and he's got his dressing gown open
06:11and there's just women plumbers all over his house.
06:16Crawling all over it.
06:18Some website, I don't know, Wrench Wench or something.
06:25Let's see if the budget is one of the top five.
06:31Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about?
06:33Rivers of cash, political sleaze, flogging peerages for cash.
06:38Yeah, it wouldn't have happened in your mum's day, would it?
06:40No.
06:42Well, there was a bit of sleaze in Tory days. There wasn't there in...
06:45Well, everyone's sleazy. I mean, it's politics, man.
06:48Yeah.
06:52They're calling the loans in, aren't they? A lot of people, they've realised that
06:55it's kind of sullied their title that it's been bought for, so they're calling the loans in
06:59and Labour will have a funding problem in the next few months.
07:02The Labour Party, they could do one of those Oxfam adverts, couldn't they?
07:06Just two pounds a month, and then I'd like John Prescott to open an empty fridge and go...
07:13That's a good one, isn't it?
07:19Didn't Gordon Brown say? He's the Chancellor of Exchequer.
07:21He knew nothing about it. I know nothing about these loans.
07:24Pop round to Tony's for a cup of tea. He's like, is that new Conservatory?
07:29Where's the money come from for that? Oh, scratch card. Got lucky, you know.
07:33I've just come round to discuss the next party conference. What do you think, Brighton?
07:36Bournemouth? Mauritius?
07:40Well, shall we have a look and see if the Labour loans is in the top five?
07:44Yes, it is.
07:48Yes, the Labour loans scandal rumbles on.
07:50The problem with the scandal is that it's so boring.
07:52Say what you want about the Tories, but their sleaze was brilliant.
07:55They got their secretaries pregnant, they had sex with trollops in football kits,
07:58they asphyxi-wanked themselves to death with oranges in their mouths.
08:02Your mum's got a lot to be proud of.
08:07Dave or Rika, Alan, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:10What do we think? Is it that the hostage is being released?
08:13Yeah, the hostage is being released.
08:15Well, Norman Kemba. Norman Kemba's free. God bless him.
08:17I know. I mean, he's 84. I mean, he's a pensioner.
08:20You know what I mean? If he wanted to be beaten and chained to a radiator,
08:23he would have got a home help.
08:29As he was pulled out of the cell, he went,
08:31that's the last time I go on a cell call, isn't it?
08:36What was he doing there in the first place?
08:38He said he wanted to make a difference.
08:40Norman Kemba wanted to go and make a difference.
08:43All the Iraqis are going, he's coming, Norman Kemba's coming.
08:47He's got a guitar and some sandals.
08:50Come by, eh? No, you come by here, mate.
08:54Well, shall we have a look and see if Norman Kemba is up there?
08:57Yes, he is.
08:59Yes, the number one talking point this week
09:01was the release of hostage Norman Kemba.
09:03Church leaders described the release of Norman Kemba as a miracle.
09:06Other miracles in Baghdad this week included car bombs
09:09that killed 60 people every day.
09:11Nice one, God.
09:18OK, there's one more thing in the news.
09:21It's Mother's Day on Sunday, people have been talking about that.
09:24I bought a card today. It's the biggest rip-off in the world.
09:27It's cards, they've invented occasions.
09:29I mean, Mother's Day is pretty legitimate.
09:31But, I mean, happy bonfire night.
09:33Happy bonfire night, congratulations on your first shag.
09:37How irritating you've got thrush.
09:41Congratulations on your hung jury.
09:43I got to the till and I went, I love that card, please.
09:46Nice card, it's got roses on it.
09:48She went, that'll be £3.99.
09:50Doesn't it fucking want?
09:53For a bit of card, £3.99.
09:55I went to Boots next door and I got a gift voucher.
09:58Pound, and you get a card with it.
10:01And you don't have to send a gift voucher, you just send a card.
10:04Go back in next week with another pound,
10:06have a gift voucher, please, there you go.
10:09What are you getting your mum for Mother's Day?
10:14Sorry, that was in English, wasn't it?
10:16She might want to keep it secret, she doesn't want her mum to know.
10:19I don't know whether Maggie watches this.
10:21I'm pretty sure she doesn't.
10:33I can tell you, Mother's Day is not on the list.
10:35It's one of the smaller stories this week.
10:37Of course, everyone loves their mum, even if they've done really bad things,
10:40like systematically dismantle the unions or destroy the welfare state.
10:44Or go to war to win an election.
10:50Fingers on buzzers, any other idea what's in the top five?
10:53Is it the story about the teacher who's suing for sexual discrimination
10:57because she was given a humorous chair?
11:00She had a flatulent chair, a chair that made fart noises when she sat in it.
11:04She said she was deliberately given this chair to undermine her position.
11:08Apparently, this happened for four years.
11:10So you'd think, you know, after six months, she might get another chair.
11:15Sorry, for four years?
11:16Four years, apparently, this happened.
11:18She said she had to constantly go, explain it.
11:21She'd go, it's not me, it's the chair.
11:23Occasionally, she'd go, that was me.
11:27Probably she wasn't taken seriously.
11:29I mean, she went to the governors and said, look, my chair farts.
11:32And they went, who smelt it?
11:37I've got the picture, do you want to see it?
11:38Have you got it?
11:39Yeah, have a look.
11:42Look at the face, no expression there.
11:44She looks like she's holding a fart in.
11:48What?
11:53Well, let's have a look and see if the farting chair is up there.
11:56Amazingly, it's one of the most talked about things this week.
12:00This is the story about a teacher who sued her school because they gave her a farting chair.
12:06She had made a really convincing case for herself at the tribunal
12:09until she let one rip and blew the judge's wig off.
12:18At the end of that round, Sean's team have three points and Dave's team have two points.
12:24The next round is called the poll with a hold.
12:26We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
12:29and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:31Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
12:34So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:3667% of Brits think that what is the ultimate status symbol?
12:41Having your own table in Greggs the Baker's.
12:44Same table, sir. Thank you.
12:52It's like they lift their white trilbies.
12:55Why do they wear white trilbies, bakers? I don't understand that.
12:59There's something jazz about them.
13:07Using a baguette as a stick.
13:14It's kind of something that the super-rich have.
13:17A jet.
13:18Even more impressive than a jet.
13:20A country.
13:21A country is pretty close.
13:22Private island.
13:23Correct.
13:24That's the right answer.
13:2967% of Brits think that owning a private island is the ultimate status symbol.
13:33Of course, they say no man is an island, although when Eamon Holmes is swimming,
13:36you'd be forgiven for making the mistake.
13:39OK, Sean, Jessica and Carol.
13:41One in five pet owners love what?
13:44Testing out shampoo at home.
13:51I'm not using that one.
13:55Have you got any pets, Carol?
13:56No.
13:57No? All right. Thanks.
13:59I love chatting with you. It's great fun.
14:05It's to do with the rest of their family.
14:07More than their children.
14:09That is the right answer.
14:11Oh, my God.
14:15Here's your next one.
14:1626% of women are impressed by men who can what?
14:19Impressed by men who can watch loose women without throwing acid in their own face.
14:30Impressed by men who can find the G-spot.
14:32Apparently it's between 11 o'clock and 1 o'clock.
14:3411 o'clock and 1 o'clock?
14:37I'm not staying up special, you know what I mean?
14:42I am impressed by men who can dance, actually.
14:45That does impress me.
14:47Slightly suspicious, but...
14:53I've got a table at Greg's.
14:56It's quite a simple thing.
14:58The clue is, it's remembering something.
15:00Why is it that men are bad at remembering things?
15:02Because it's not important.
15:03OK.
15:05Remember the birthday, is it? Or remembering the anniversary?
15:07That is the right answer, Dave.
15:12So, at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean, Jessica and Carol,
15:15and four points for Dave, Ulrika and Alan.
15:19Join me in a round of applause.
15:21And four points for Dave, Ulrika and Alan.
15:25Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
15:27the most annoying thing about weddings.
15:40Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
15:42Time for What's The Poll?
15:43I'm going to show you five people who are all popular answers on the same poll.
15:46All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll.
15:49Here is your first person.
15:51This is Mr Bono, who is a singer.
15:53He has a gift for you.
15:55Oh, this is the great poet of Ireland.
15:59It is 20 years since you went to Ireland.
16:02A very special trip. I was a boy.
16:05And you are a great showman as well as a great holy man.
16:09That is for you.
16:11And also my glasses I give to you.
16:15That was Bono there meeting the Pope.
16:17He's giving him the present and the Pope's going,
16:19just give it to me.
16:21He's going, just give me a clean present.
16:23I just want my present.
16:25And he gives him his glasses like he's a rang-a-tang or something.
16:29Just put them on.
16:31What poll might he have appeared on?
16:33Is it people who you'd never hear say enough about me?
16:37Would you like you to, Carol?
16:39I don't listen to a lot of music. Does that answer your question?
16:42Yeah.
16:45God, he'd be a tough date.
16:50People who like going carbooting.
16:52I'll just check. Hang on.
16:54No.
16:56OK, let's have a look at the next person on the poll.
16:58Oh, Flamie will kill you!
17:01You did it for me!
17:03You take back what you said, you bitch!
17:06You cow!
17:11That was, of course, Peggy Mitchell there.
17:13That was like watching the Chuckle Brothers with wigs on.
17:17She did do a funny little run-up, the...
17:20So, Bono and Peggy Mitchell.
17:22What poll might they both have featured on?
17:24Is it people that once you pinch their bum, they start to giggle?
17:29A poll of somebody whose wig stays still while her face moves?
17:33I don't know.
17:35Are they people who've lost items of clothing in Pauline's laundrette?
17:43Let's have a look at the next person on our list.
17:45Edwina Curry, are you always two-faced?
17:47I beg your pardon?
17:48Are you always this two-faced?
17:50This morning you told me blatantly that you were happy with your special,
17:53and now, seven hours later, you're not happy with it.
17:56That's what I'm saying. Are you always this two-faced?
17:58One minute you're shagging our Prime Minister,
18:00and now you're trying to shag me from behind.
18:08Gordon Ramsay there, arguing with Edwina Curry.
18:10Gordon Ramsay once famously called Gary Rhodes a c***.
18:13Oh, no, wait, that was me.
18:17What poll do you think Bono, Peggy Mitchell and Gordon Ramsay might have appeared on?
18:21Is it food-related? It's like, he makes pizza, doesn't he?
18:25Gordon Ramsay.
18:27And then The Edge is the name of a pizza.
18:33Peggy Mitchell's friend's Pat Butcher, whose nickname's Stuffed Crust.
18:38And, er...
18:41Sean, what do you make of Gordon Ramsay?
18:43I watched a bit of The Nightmares thing there.
18:45You see, that woman in Derby who bought that restaurant, The Gondola.
18:48Oh, my God!
18:49It's 500 things on the menu.
18:51I know.
18:52That's why I don't watch it.
18:54Do you see her name?
18:55Oh, my God.
18:56This is good, cos I didn't get to go to the laundrette this week,
18:58so I'm catching up on all the news.
19:01OK, let's have a look at the next person.
19:03Never, ever, ever underestimate me,
19:06cos you will be making a fatal error.
19:08I don't like liars. I don't like cheats.
19:11I don't like bullshitters.
19:13I don't like schmoozers. I don't like arse-lickers.
19:18All right, on your bike.
19:22So, Gordon Ramsay, Peggy Mitchell, Bono, Alan Sugar, what's the poll?
19:25Judging by some of the clips we've seen,
19:27they obviously have, or at least three of them,
19:29have got bossy, violent, homicidal tendencies.
19:32You're along the right lines.
19:34I tell you what, Carol, you'd make a great detective sidekick.
19:38I felt like Morse, and you were my Lewis there, pretty much.
19:42I can see a pattern emerging here.
19:45There's got to be a really good connection.
19:47Well, it is a good connection.
19:49It's to do with people wanting to have a relationship with them.
19:52Some people want to work once.
19:54That's exactly the right answer.
19:58The answer is they all appear on a poll of dream celebrity bosses.
20:02I've got a terrible boss. I'm self-employed.
20:04And I'm currently on sexual harassment charges.
20:10So, at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean Steen
20:12and six points for Dave's team.
20:18And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:20I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
20:22and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:25Here is your first one. Most annoying thing about weddings.
20:29Me, cos I always drink too much, and I try to get everybody dancing.
20:33And then I kind of make the excuses because,
20:35oh, I've got kids and I'm out, you know, and it's a lie.
20:38It's just I'm just the same as I always have been,
20:40which is rowdy and alcoholic.
20:42Is this the marriage bit?
20:44Yeah, it's legally binding and everything.
20:46Really annoying.
20:48Speeches. I mean, people do bang on, don't they?
20:51Yeah, sorry about that. It's kind of my job, though, in fairness.
20:55Is it like the realisation that you've wasted a whole Saturday afternoon
20:58watching this shit?
21:01Jessica, you're in a film about weddings, aren't you?
21:03I am. I'm in a film with you, Jimmy Carr.
21:06Imagine that mishap in Carlston.
21:10It was all improvised.
21:11If you asked them where we were filming the next day,
21:13they'd go, we don't know, we'll see what happens.
21:15She's trying to get rid of you, Jimmy.
21:18Sorry, yeah, we don't know where we're going to be.
21:21OK, most annoying thing about weddings.
21:23Is it wedding lists?
21:24That's the right answer.
21:28Top hobby for women.
21:31Shopping, retail therapy, bashing the credit card,
21:34buying a load of shit in sales that you're never going to wear
21:36because it was a bargain.
21:37That sounded almost like a rap.
21:42Is it nagging?
21:43Yeah, sisters, is it nagging?
21:45Is it, sisters?
21:47What do you do? I mean, you're women here, there's lots of women here.
21:50What the hell do you do with your spare time?
21:52It might help us if you put your brains together, girl.
21:55Don't you like, you know, making little things?
21:57Yeah, I love making things, Sean, but I haven't got the time, have I?
22:00What?
22:01Too busy doing the washing.
22:03Do none of you like falconry or anything like that?
22:05Yeah, I'd love to do a bit of falconry, Sean.
22:08Get a big glove.
22:09There ain't enough hours in the day.
22:11I'll go home now, tonight, and do some falconry.
22:14Oh, I'd love to do it, but we'd all love to do a bit of falconry, Sean.
22:17Yes.
22:18The thing about you, Sean, is you really understand women.
22:22It's an obvious hobby.
22:23Shooting. They like going shooting.
22:26You might get a bit dirty doing it.
22:28Gardening!
22:29Correct.
22:31Just got that.
22:32Worst royal to go on holiday with?
22:35Queen Mother.
22:39I'm going to have to break the news to you, Sean.
22:41No, no, no. You try and check a coffin at Heathrow.
22:45And you say, no, it's to come back as well.
22:48We're just going away for a little trip.
22:51Is it Prince Philip?
22:52You're absolutely right.
22:53Am I?
22:56Yes, according to the survey, the worst royal to go on holiday with is the Duke of Edinburgh.
23:00Tell that to Dodi Fayed.
23:04What, no one can tell me that weekend went well?
23:08Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:10which means the final scores are Sean, Jessica and Carol have six points,
23:13Dave, Ulrika and Alan have nine points.
23:15They're this week's winners.
23:20Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:22and to all of you for watching at home.
23:24That's it from us. Good night.