First broadcast 17th March 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Rob Rouse
Johnny Vegas
Christian Slater
Lauren Laverne
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Rob Rouse
Johnny Vegas
Christian Slater
Lauren Laverne
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, back in the West End being one flew over the cuckoo's nest,
00:27Captain Slater, Sassy Lassie, Lauren Lavergne, and their captain, Sean Lapp.
00:35And facing them tonight, Viva Las Johnny Vegas, Funny Man Rob Routs, and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:46Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, there will be an estimated 1.6 billion people in India by the year 2050?
01:06Good news if you're trying to get hold of directory inquiries.
01:10Half of Britain's school children don't know where ham comes from.
01:14Birmingham?
01:17And 40% of women never play any sport, despite the fact they're told in numerous adverts
01:23that they can swim, cycle, and roller skate with a Dalmatian once a month.
01:28Let's get started.
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:38We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:43It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:47Dave, Johnny, Rob, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:50Snow. The worst blizzards in Scotland for 10 years or something.
01:545,000 houses without power, wasn't it?
01:56Glasgow airport shot. That called.
01:58A bloke in Glasgow with a coat on.
02:00That's war. That's good.
02:02There is a serious message, because it is called.
02:04If you know an old person who lives near you, on their own, nip round, pop in, you know.
02:08Use their eating.
02:12They're getting allowance off the government.
02:15Do people really talk about the snow, though?
02:17Oh, yeah.
02:19They're all talking about it up there.
02:22Christian, have you got any idea what's going on?
02:24I can't understand a word they're saying.
02:29I just need your PIN number.
02:31All right.
02:33For the good cause.
02:36OK.
02:41We love the snow in the North, though, don't we? We actually love the snow.
02:43As soon as it comes down, we're out there, aren't we?
02:45Oh, yeah.
02:46We love the snow.
02:48We love the snow.
02:52The port's coming.
02:54No, we're not moving on to that until we've covered snow.
02:58It's white.
02:59It's basically a hard version of rain.
03:05And when it passed me test five months ago, I didn't know you had to take it off the windscreen.
03:11It was a magical invention in Canaria.
03:16Let's have a look and see if snow is one of the top five talking points this week.
03:20Yes, it is.
03:24Yes, everyone's been talking about the cold weather bringing parts of the country to a standstill this week.
03:28During the cold snap, gas prices have more than doubled.
03:31On the upside, it looks like the pension crisis might be over.
03:36Sean, Christian Slater and Lauren Laverne, what have the nation been talking about?
03:40Let's see, the Garrick Theatre, one for the cuckoo's nest.
03:45I think they've been talking about the scandal of the Labour Party selling peerages for cash.
03:53I think it's very strange that they're selling membership to a club which they've said they're going to disband quite soon.
04:00Do you want to join our club?
04:02Yeah, we'll get rid of it quite soon.
04:05You could be Sir Christian Slater for ten grand.
04:07Really?
04:08Yeah.
04:09It's about a million.
04:10It's about a million. Oh, forget it.
04:12I thought about doing that, because you could borrow a million quid, lend it to the Labour Party at the same interest rate you're paying,
04:19and then you're a lord, and when the bank phone up for the money, you go,
04:22do you have any idea who you're speaking to?
04:25£500,000, Michael Flatley paid, just to be lord of the dance.
04:31If he'd have paid a bit more, he could have used his arms. He didn't pay enough, that's it.
04:36Well, let's have a look and see whether Labour selling peerages is one of the top five stories this week.
04:40Yes, it is.
04:43Yes, Labour have been accused of selling peerages by exploiting a loophole where they accept loans instead of donations.
04:49They've been defended by a number of leading peers, Baroness Claims Direct, Sir Ocean Finance, and the Earl of Cornhill.
04:55But most embarrassingly, by Lord Archer.
05:00Christian Slater, how are you?
05:02I'm good, mate. Very good.
05:05What's he on about?
05:07I don't understand a word he's saying.
05:13Dave, Rob, Johnny, what else have they been talking about this week?
05:16Is it anything to do with this Sir Ian Blair fella?
05:19He's the chief of the Metropolitan Police, who apparently he got caught illegally taping a conversation he was having
05:25about the illegality of taping phone conversations, because he likes to tape stuff.
05:30Because usually if you bring him up, he kind of says,
05:32Hi, it's Ian Blair, I should warn you that this conversation is being taped for quality control and training purposes.
05:38Shoot.
05:39Does he want to get permission?
05:41If you're filming them, you definitely need permission, yeah.
05:44Especially if it's with a thermal imaging camera.
05:48I know exactly your body temperature now.
05:51Even at Blackpool, when you got off with the right quirky lass, it ruins the mood.
05:57When you finish with a quirky lass.
05:58Do that teddy bear with the massive eye.
06:04Christian, do you think people should be allowed to tape phone calls?
06:07To tape phone calls?
06:08Yeah.
06:09Is that what you guys are talking about?
06:10Yeah.
06:15It depends. I mean, there's certain conversations I wish I had taped in my life.
06:19Which conversations do you wish you'd taped?
06:20Well, you know, little private, quiet conversations that I wish...
06:24They're distant memories now, and I really enjoyed them when I was having them, so...
06:31Maybe she'd tape them, I don't know.
06:33I wish I'd taped... The other day I ordered a pizza.
06:35I wish I'd taped the conversation.
06:37Because I said, no olives.
06:41It turns out it's got olives in it.
06:43I said, I said, no olives.
06:44He said, no, you didn't say that, mate.
06:46If I taped it...
06:47I know what I said.
06:50I think everything should be taped, though.
06:55I'm taping now.
06:57It's good.
06:58Get that in the teddy bear's head and come to Blackpool.
07:06I was wondering whether, if you're on the phone to someone, and you're not taping it, but you're doing a doodle of them, do you have to tell them?
07:15It's been a bad week for the Blairs, hasn't it?
07:16Because Tony Blair got defeated in the Commons.
07:18Ian Blair.
07:19And apparently Lionel got his tie in his soup.
07:23Christian, do you know who Lionel Blair is?
07:25I love him like a brother.
07:27Yeah.
07:28He doesn't know who Tony Blair is.
07:30Leave Lionel out of it.
07:31I just got here.
07:32I mean, I've been rehearsing this play for the last two weeks, so I've just been working on my lines, pretty much.
07:36I've missed a lot of news.
07:37And you're playing a mental person in this play, are you?
07:39Yeah.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Mental.
07:42Hey, hey, hey.
07:43Maybe you could learn something.
07:44I'm watching, buddy.
07:45I'm watching.
07:46I'd like a shorter version of the Indian.
07:48Oh, yeah.
07:49Say this.
07:50Say, McMurphy, make me big again.
07:53This is your chance.
07:56It's okay.
08:00McMurphy, make me big again.
08:09Yeah.
08:15It's weird.
08:16You're about half a foot already.
08:17We could just do the whole play right here.
08:18Hey, hey.
08:19I could be the nurse and all.
08:20Go on, just strangle me.
08:22I'm really good at running out of breath.
08:26You bitch.
08:35Look at that.
08:36He's brilliant.
08:37I can tell you two are going to be friends.
08:41We were, before the interlude,
08:43we were talking about the police chief, Ian Blair,
08:45taping phone conversations.
08:46Let's have a look and see if it's in the top five.
08:49Yes, it is.
08:50The top story.
08:5353% of people were talking about chief police commissioner,
08:55Sir Ian Blair, secretly taping phone conversations.
08:58Ian Blair now answers his phone by saying,
09:00you have the right to remain silent,
09:01but could you just give me something for level?
09:05Sean's team,
09:06what else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:08The ex-president of Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic.
09:11Slobodan Milosevic has died.
09:12He died alone and friendless in an empty cell,
09:14aged 64.
09:16I love that happy ending, don't you?
09:19They said, oh, he managed to escape justice,
09:21very craftily, by dying.
09:25You crafty devil.
09:28I know how to get off this.
09:31You think Saddam Hussein's thinking,
09:32hey, oh, that's an idea.
09:35It's a shame that Slobodan Milosevic died,
09:37because we could have got them together
09:38and, like, sent them on tour,
09:39the Cage Dictators Tour.
09:41Would have been a bit like King Kong in New York.
09:43Just a big theatre, they open up, but don't be scared.
09:45They're burying him in Belgrade now, aren't they?
09:47But they were trying to work out
09:48whether they were going to bury him
09:49on Heroes Parade or something.
09:52Yeah, the Avenue of Heroes.
09:53That's right.
09:54They had a big debate as to whether to bury him
09:55on the Avenue of Heroes.
09:57I imagine that should have been
09:58the shortest debate in the world ever.
10:00Shall we bury him on the Avenue of Heroes?
10:01No.
10:03The weird thing is, they are.
10:06Dave, I'm on me death.
10:12I don't know what it's like being you now.
10:16Just out of water.
10:17Slobodan Milosevic, Vegas.
10:18Slobodan Milosevic.
10:21Say it again, go on.
10:22Say it again.
10:23Slobodan Milosevic.
10:24Slobodan Milosevic.
10:27I'm not taking piss, I'm trying.
10:28OK, all right.
10:29Look into my eyes, just concentrate.
10:30Slobodan Milosevic.
10:31But break it down for me!
10:33Slobodan Milosevic.
10:36Slobodan and Milosevic.
10:39Fair enough.
10:46Slobodan Milosevic.
10:47Let's have a look and see
10:48whether he's one of the big stories this week.
10:52Yes, the fourth most talked about thing this week
10:54was the death of Slobodan Milosevic.
10:56OK, there's one more thing to get in the top five.
10:58Fingers on buzzers.
10:59Buzz in if you think you know
11:00what the nation's been talking about.
11:01Is it everyone's talk about Basic Instinct 2
11:05with Sharon Stone,
11:06which is apparently going to be even sexier
11:08than the first one when she showed off her Nancy?
11:10And it's now going to be like looking at an old badger
11:13running into the woods.
11:15Bill Oddy's going to go wild for this one.
11:19Badger running into the woods.
11:22Were you at the premiere last night, Christian?
11:24Yes, I was.
11:25Go on, how was it?
11:26Honestly, she looks great.
11:27She does look brilliant for her age.
11:28Somehow, she was pretty hot.
11:29Is this the one Stan Collymore's in?
11:31Yes, Stan Collymore is in the opening sequence.
11:33He's good.
11:34Is Bruce Groblin in it?
11:37Sadly, no.
11:38OK, I'd like to tell you Basic Instinct 2
11:40was not one of the major talking points this week.
11:42Fingers on buzzers.
11:43What else have people been talking about?
11:45The pill.
11:46They've come up with a pill to cure heart disease.
11:48Yeah, it cleans your arteries out.
11:50How can't they get the fat off your arse with a pill
11:52if they can get it out of the ventricles of your heart?
11:54Basically, seal it, bang in the top of it.
11:58Barry Watts' chops.
11:59He's got no on his arse.
12:05I think the consequences are,
12:06basically, it's a slob's charter, isn't it?
12:09It means you can drink, eat,
12:10shovel pies down your face,
12:12sit on the sofa,
12:14watch Flog It for years,
12:16and then just go,
12:19I'm fine.
12:20Let's have a look and see if the pill to cure heart disease is up there.
12:23At the end of that round,
12:24Sean's team have three points,
12:25Dave's team have two points.
12:32The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:34We've looked through hundreds of surveys
12:35from past and present,
12:36from around the world,
12:37and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:39Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
12:41one salient piece of information,
12:42so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:44Here's your first one.
12:45Johnny.
12:47Ah, sir.
12:49Have you...
12:50I need to see a thing.
12:52He can't read.
12:54I can't read, I don't know what it says.
12:56OK, 76% of mechanics don't what?
12:59Don't agree with the consensus view
13:01that Ulysses is James Joyce's finest work
13:03because they actually quite prefer Finnegan's wig.
13:07Service cars properly.
13:08That is the correct answer,
13:09and the next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
13:11We've looked through hundreds of surveys
13:13from past and present,
13:14from around the world,
13:15and unearthed some fascinating facts.
13:17Service cars properly.
13:18That is the correct answer.
13:19Where the hell did I get that?
13:21I'm possessed.
13:24Oh, no.
13:26You're not having a point, dammit.
13:28You're not having a point, I'm hurt.
13:31I've turned off the buzzer.
13:35OK.
13:3775% of actors have what?
13:40Is it a cape and a trilby?
13:44I had one line in the film,
13:45I'm sure it will be cut,
13:46and it was location thing,
13:48and you get put in these little caravans.
13:50Yep.
13:51With chemical toilets.
13:52Yeah, trailers, yeah.
13:53Do you get them as well?
13:54No, it's not glamorous, I know.
13:56No, I got one of those, yeah,
13:58you gotta pump it and do the whole thing.
13:59Really?
14:00Yeah.
14:01So even Angelina Jolie,
14:02when she's off to work in the morning...
14:03Imagine that.
14:04Well, surely you don't think
14:05that if someone's that important,
14:06they get a caravan
14:07and then dig drains for them.
14:09You never know.
14:10You never know.
14:12So, I don't know,
14:1375% of actors have a harem.
14:16Have a harem, yeah.
14:17I thought you said a heron,
14:18like a big flying crane,
14:21like a heron.
14:22Like, this is an ostentatious thing,
14:23instead of a feather boa,
14:24I have a heron.
14:26You could probably phone up and go,
14:27get me a fucking heron.
14:29What was the percentage again?
14:3075% of actors.
14:32All right, it's gone.
14:35Had it been 72%,
14:37I had the funniest answer in the world.
14:4075% of actors
14:41have started their careers
14:42in a school nativity play.
14:44I only say that
14:45because I went to see my son,
14:46he was in his first nativity play.
14:48Which was great.
14:49Where was he?
14:50He was supposed to be Joseph,
14:51but he pissed about in rehearsals
14:52and they made him the innkeeper,
14:53so he screwed up the whole nativity,
14:54I was so proud.
14:55He was the innkeeper
14:56and they came to the door
14:57and the new Joseph said,
14:59I've come from afar,
15:00my wife and I,
15:01she's with child,
15:02is there any room at the inn?
15:03And he went, yeah, plenty of room,
15:04come in.
15:0675% of actors have what?
15:08The fake name or something like that?
15:10Correct.
15:11Yay!
15:1475% of actors
15:15have changed their name.
15:16A lot of entertainers
15:17changed their name.
15:18Norma Jean became Marilyn Monroe,
15:20Reg Dwight became Elton John,
15:21and Paul Gadd became
15:22prisoner H39702.
15:25Have you changed your name, Chris?
15:26No, no.
15:27There's actually,
15:28because my father actually
15:29has changed his name
15:30several times,
15:31but I don't know
15:32how many times,
15:33but he has changed his name
15:34several times in his life.
15:36Has he considered Vegas?
15:39Vegas is great,
15:40that's the best name,
15:41I know.
15:42Can I leave to work again?
15:49So at the end of that round,
15:50Sean, Christian and Lauren
15:51have seven points,
15:52Dave, Johnny and Rob
15:53have two points.
15:56Join me after the break,
15:57we will be finding out
15:58if God has a posh accent.
16:03Welcome back.
16:04The next round is
16:05Believe It or Not.
16:06In this round,
16:07I'll give the panellists
16:08a simple statement.
16:09All they have to do is decide
16:10whether they think it's true
16:11or false.
16:12Sean, Christian and Lauren,
16:13you're up first.
16:14Have a look at this clip
16:15to illustrate your statistic.
16:17Jesus loves the little children
16:21All the little children of the world
16:26Red or yellow,
16:28Little children of the world
16:31Red or yellow, black or white
16:34They are precious in His sight
16:37Jesus loves the little children
16:40Of the world
16:45Cause everything is beautiful
16:51In every way
16:56Like a starry summer night
16:58Or a song of a winter's day
17:07That was Neil Martin
17:08on Seaside Special in 1979
17:10singing about Jesus.
17:11Here is your related statistic.
17:1362% of people who claim to hear
17:15the voice of God
17:16say that he has a posh accent.
17:18Is that true or false?
17:20Firstly, I'm worried that you're polling
17:22people who hear the voice of God.
17:25It's funny when people hear voices.
17:26They always hear voices
17:27to make them do bad things.
17:28Never hear voices say
17:29Go home, do the washing up,
17:30go to bed early.
17:32Have a nice mug of cocoa.
17:34Really?
17:35I should be out killing people.
17:40I had a voice in my head
17:41and it got bored with me.
17:48Do you remember that
17:49The Greatest Britain poll
17:51that was a couple of years ago?
17:52I read that they did an American one.
17:54Do you know who got voted
17:55for the greatest American ever
17:57by Americans?
17:58Jesus.
18:01Seriously, it was Jesus.
18:03Christian, you proud American?
18:04Yeah, right now.
18:05I wouldn't do this like that.
18:08Oh, God.
18:09Okay, true or false?
18:10I'd say yes, they do.
18:11Well, I can tell you
18:12you're absolutely right.
18:13It is true.
18:14Wow, what a feeling.
18:1662% of people who claim to have
18:18heard the voice of God
18:19say he has a posh accent.
18:20Fair enough.
18:21I can't imagine God being a cockney.
18:22You nail my boy to what,
18:23you toilet?
18:25Okay, Dave, Johnny and Rob,
18:27let's have a look at a clip
18:28to illustrate your statistic.
18:29I mean, a bike's a bike.
18:30How would you describe a bike?
18:32If you have a bicycle
18:33but can't really describe it.
18:34No, I'm sorry,
18:36I didn't lock my bike.
18:37I didn't think it necessary.
18:38I just left it in my back way.
18:40And you leave your bike
18:41without a lock.
18:42No one locked-fenced it round here.
18:43Well, somebody fenced it,
18:44didn't they?
18:45And leave valuables
18:46in your saddlebag.
18:47I'd rather not see
18:48what's in the saddlebag.
18:49It's personal.
18:51You leave valuables
18:52in your bag for good.
18:53That was a public information film there
18:54about bike theft.
18:55Here's your related statistic.
18:56Sixteen percent of Brits
18:57would steal a child's bike
18:59if it were their only means
19:00of getting home
19:01after a drunken night out.
19:03Is that true or false?
19:04I'd steal a pram.
19:10You'd have to be pissed
19:11to even try
19:12and ride a kid's bike, though,
19:13wouldn't you, really?
19:14You wouldn't do that,
19:15no, like that,
19:16with them little streamers
19:17coming out of handlebars,
19:18like that.
19:19Get me a life, copper!
19:22Johnny,
19:23if you sat on a kid's bike,
19:24you wouldn't be able
19:25to see the front wheel.
19:27That's the beauty of it.
19:28It's good,
19:29and the posh voice
19:30is going,
19:31use your left hand
19:32and your right hand
19:33and allow gravity
19:34to send you home,
19:35fat fellow.
19:41There's a skip
19:42with a handy ramp.
19:43You can jump
19:44that police car.
19:49It's like watching
19:50a breakdown.
19:53What do you mean,
19:54like?
20:03Dave,
20:04what do you think,
20:05true or false?
20:06True.
20:07Oh, no,
20:08if you've got a little basket
20:09on the front for a kebab.
20:11There's no like it
20:12in seventy
20:13with a snack.
20:16The meat starts to bounce up
20:17and if you catch it
20:18like a seal.
20:24I can tell you,
20:25you're absolutely right.
20:27We got a point.
20:28Yes.
20:29We got a point.
20:30Sixteen percent of Brits
20:31would steal a child's bike
20:32if it were their only means
20:33of getting home
20:34after a drunken night out.
20:35How are the drunk kids
20:36going to get home?
20:37Steal a car, I suppose.
20:38So at the end of that round,
20:39I can tell you that
20:40Sean's team have eight points
20:41and Dave's team have three points.
20:46And the winner is
20:47the name of our final round.
20:48I'm going to give the teams
20:49a series of opinion polls.
20:50It's up to them to buzz in
20:51and tell me who or what
20:52they think came top.
20:53Here is your first one.
20:54Kids' most popular excuse
20:56for not doing their homework.
20:57Is it that they were doing
20:58their kids' homework?
21:00So they couldn't
21:01do it themselves?
21:02What, me and those
21:03teenage mums?
21:04Yeah.
21:05It's one of the complex issues
21:06raised by children
21:07having children
21:08in this country today.
21:09I was driving through
21:10an estate called
21:11Brakemeet and Ball,
21:12which is rough,
21:13and somebody on the bed sheet
21:14out the window
21:15that said,
21:16I'm going to the Oscars.
21:19Christian,
21:20when you were at school,
21:21weren't you in
21:22The Name of the Rose
21:23and Prince of Thieves?
21:24How old were you
21:25when you were in those?
21:26Fifteen, sixteen, yeah.
21:27So presumably,
21:28you didn't have to do any,
21:29you went,
21:30oh, I'm going to the Oscars.
21:31I still had to do schoolwork.
21:32I still had to go to school
21:33and do all that.
21:34I had a tutor,
21:35lovely tutor,
21:36lovely lady.
21:37She helped me out a lot.
21:38Did you sleep with your tutor?
21:39There was a little glint
21:40in your eye that suggests
21:41that your tutor was teaching
21:42you a lot of things.
21:43Thanks for picking that up.
21:44A lot of things
21:46She was lovely,
21:47yes,
21:48and I learned a lot.
21:51Is it that they actually
21:52did their homework,
21:53but it was in the backpack
21:54and they left it unattended
21:55at the bus station
21:56and the police blew it up?
21:58It's not that imaginative.
21:59Is it,
22:00they forgot it,
22:01lost it?
22:02That's exactly it.
22:03I forgot it is the number one answer.
22:05There are various punishments
22:06for a child
22:07that doesn't do their homework.
22:08Lines,
22:09detention,
22:10and a lifelong career
22:11at Dixon's.
22:13Top problem
22:14Top problem
22:15for chronic coughers.
22:17They cough a lot.
22:20Is it not being allowed
22:21to go on
22:22Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
22:25Or is it in the audience?
22:30Is it sneaking up on people?
22:37You wouldn't get much work
22:38in porn,
22:39would you, Gary?
22:45Oh, good.
22:58Pulling a muscle or something?
22:59I mean,
23:00you might pull a muscle.
23:01It's not pulling a muscle.
23:02It's to do with,
23:03it's an aspect of everyday life.
23:04Is it having sex?
23:05Correct.
23:06That's the right answer.
23:10Well, that sound tells me
23:11it's the end of the round
23:12and the end of the show,
23:13because the final scores are
23:14Sean, Christian and Lauren
23:15have 11 points,
23:16Dave, Johnny and Rob have 4 points,
23:17which means Sean's team
23:18are the winners.
23:21Thanks to all our panelists,
23:22our wonderful studio audience
23:23and to all of you
23:24for watching at home.
23:25That's it from us.
23:26Good night.
23:31Black books,
23:32Bill Bailey,
23:33brilliant stand-up
23:34from a bearded, babbling,
23:35bug-eyed lunatic.
23:365 past 11 tonight.
23:38Next tonight,
23:39how karma works
23:40in mysterious ways.
23:41The fab Jon Favreau
23:42and he's a mean...
23:44My name is Earl.