Frasier Season 8 Episode 8 Mary Christmas
Frasier Season 8 Episode 8 Mary Christmas
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00:00We've got just about a minute before we go to the news. I understand we have Tom from Fremont Online 1.
00:06Go ahead, Tom.
00:08I don't want to be squeezed into a minute. I will go on after the news.
00:16Well, why don't you tell me your problem now, and then I can give you my reply when we come back.
00:21Nah, I'll wait.
00:26Very well.
00:28Roz, who else do we have?
00:30We have Brian on a car phone.
00:32Ah.
00:34Go ahead, Brian. I am listening.
00:37For what? Thirty seconds? I'll wait, too.
00:43All right, then. I guess I'll just use the time myself.
00:47Giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go.
00:50To the Seattle Christmas Parade this Saturday.
00:53Broadcast live on Channel 6 TV and hosted by Kelly Kirkland of Channel 6's Kelly and Cal Show.
01:02You know, I must say that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure.
01:06She's sincere and charming and, well, just about as likable as sunshine.
01:19Are you okay?
01:20Huh? Well, of course. Why?
01:22Well, I was afraid with all that sucking up, you might have burst a lung.
01:28That was very funny, Roz. You see, Kelly's looking for a new co-host for the parade this year.
01:33I was hoping it might be me.
01:36You know, I've watched that parade since I was a child, and this is my chance to become a part of it.
01:41Oh, I thought she did that parade with her husband.
01:43Oh, I guess you haven't heard.
01:45You see, she's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with her cue card girl.
01:49How'd she catch him? She find a giant love letter in his pocket?
01:55Hey, Frazier, guess who?
01:57Mary Thomas. Oh, hello, Mary.
02:00Uh, Roz, you remember Mary. She and I briefly co-hosted my show last year.
02:05Of course I remember. I listen to your show on KAZW all the time.
02:10Oh, well, thank you so much. And just for that, here's a copy of my new book.
02:15And, Frazier, here's one for you, too.
02:18Cornbread for the Soul by Dr. Mary.
02:23So you're still identifying yourself as a doctor.
02:26But now it's true. You read the inside cover.
02:30Dr. Mary has healed thousands of Seattle radio listeners and is a summa cum laude graduate of the School of Hard Knocks.
02:42Oh, Mary, I hate to quibble about things like accreditation.
02:46Whoa, it's like the American Medical Association in here.
02:51So isn't this great? Dr. Mary's coming back to KACL.
02:55Oh, hey, congratulations.
02:58Oh, yes, congratulations indeed. I must have missed that memo.
03:03Yeah, she was doing so great in the ratings we had to steal her back.
03:07Now, I thought you doctors took an oath not to hurt anybody. You are killing us.
03:12Aren't you sweet? You give it some sugar.
03:17Frazier, I hope you're all right with this. I know last time you weren't so thrilled about us working together.
03:21Oh, no, this time we'll have separate shows. It's not like we're going to be sharing a mic.
03:25We won't be sharing a mic, will we?
03:28Of course not. We're giving Mary the morning drive shift.
03:31Oh, well, the shift with the biggest audience and the best demographics.
03:39But don't you worry, I'll be promoting your show every single day.
03:43Is this woman not generous? Give me some sugar.
03:47No, baby, you already got yours, but here's a booth for you. And Merry Christmas to all.
03:52Merry Christmas.
03:55What the hell's wrong with you?
04:01Oh, Niles, I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
04:17I haven't heard that line since last year.
04:20Oh, but then Christmas is the season for chestnuts.
04:25What's all the food for?
04:27Well, actually, Kelly Kirkland's coming over. I'm trying to make a good impression.
04:31You see, I'm doing my best to charm my way into that parade job.
04:36What is it with you and this parade?
04:39Oh, Niles, don't you remember when we were kids?
04:42We'd sit on the couch, we'd cradle our cocos and stay up late to watch our holiday hosts, Bob Vernon and Sergeant Michelle, the traffic lady.
04:54Oh, I haven't thought about them in years.
04:58You know, to me, that was always the official beginning of Christmas.
05:03And now this is my chance to usher in the season for a whole new generation.
05:09I loved Sergeant Michelle.
05:14To this day, every time I cross against the light, I feel like I'm letting her down.
05:19All right, what is that fetid smell?
05:21Oh, oh, that's the food. I'm preparing dishes that have been featured on Kelly's show.
05:27Oh, Lord, that'll be my hobo casserole.
05:35Hobo, that's the smell.
05:40Hey, Niles.
05:41Hello, Daphne.
05:44Hello, Daphne.
05:49So where are we going for dinner tonight?
05:51Oh, well, it's your pick.
05:53Although, word on the street has it that Chez Dumont has the most delectable Hudson Valley foie gras.
06:00Niles, you're spoiling me.
06:02All this rich food's going to start catching up with my figure.
06:05Oh, not you, my little hummingbird, never.
06:10You're as sweet as a chocolate souffle.
06:13Hey, let's get some of those tonight.
06:17Well, that's it.
06:19I know I should have stockpiled valentines as soon as they stopped making it.
06:23Now I can't find a single can.
06:26Christmas is ruined.
06:28Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane.
06:31Yeah, and this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together.
06:36Oh, that's true.
06:37No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith.
06:41Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.
06:47That's Kelly.
06:49Showtime.
06:54Ah, Kelly.
06:55Hi, furniture.
06:58Gosh, you know, I haven't seen you since the Broadcasters Against Litter March.
07:04I think we really made a difference.
07:06Indeed we did.
07:07Now, please, come on.
07:08I'd like you to meet my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne.
07:14Do I smell hobo casserole?
07:19Yes.
07:20Close your eyes, it's like you're under a railroad bridge.
07:26Yes, off you go.
07:30So, you know about hobo casserole.
07:34Well, I make it on my show.
07:36You know, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've forgotten which are mine and which are yours.
07:45Oh, now don't tell me that's potato chip salad.
07:50Uh-oh, this is embarrassing.
07:57So, you really are a fan of the show, huh?
08:00Guilty.
08:01Guilty.
08:02I especially admire your work on the Christmas parade.
08:06You really want this, don't you?
08:08Oh, gosh, I do.
08:10I really do.
08:12I must admit it.
08:14In fact, you know, I'd be willing to audition for you right now.
08:16Oh, Frasier, now that's not necessary.
08:19Kelly, Kelly, please, I'd like to.
08:21Listen, I examined the parade schedule and I have taken the liberty of preparing a few ad-libs.
08:27If you would indulge me in one or two.
08:31Okay.
08:37Say, Kelly, have you ever seen 80 beavers march in perfect rhythm?
08:46Oh, Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
08:50Oh, they can when they're the marching beavers of the Riverside High School Band.
08:56Hey, you tricked me.
08:59Sorry, Kelly, but how about those incredible formations?
09:04They're so precise.
09:06Well, that doesn't surprise me, Frasier.
09:08After all, the beaver is nature's first engineer.
09:18That's nice banter.
09:21Well, Seattle, thank you for your calls.
09:29Seattle, thank you for your calls.
09:32Hey, Frasier, what are you doing over the Christmas weekend?
09:38Well, Roz, if you insist on interrogating me,
09:42I'll be co-hosting the Seattle Christmas Parade tomorrow night
09:46I'll be co-hosting the Seattle Christmas Parade tomorrow night
09:50on Channel 6 with the lovely and talented Kelly Kirkland.
09:55I hope it'll be the beginning of a new holiday tradition.
09:59Good mental health, Seattle. See you at the parade.
10:06Hey, Doc.
10:07Oh, sure wish you hadn't done that little promo.
10:10Why? Kelly told me I had the job. Her word is good enough for me.
10:14I've got some bad news.
10:16I knew I couldn't trust that woman.
10:19And after I had her to my home for that hillbilly buffet...
10:24She's got food poisoning.
10:28She'll be laid up for days.
10:31Oh, tough blow.
10:36But I'm nothing if not a team player. You know, I'll do the parade myself.
10:40Boy, you really know how to land on your feet, Doc.
10:43But you're still gonna have a co-host.
10:46There's nothing official yet, but a few names are floating around.
11:00I'll let you know if I hear anything.
11:09Well, anyway, happy holidays, Dirk.
11:12Oh, wait, wait, I almost forgot.
11:14Guess who's hosting the Christmas parade tonight?
11:19That'd be sweet.
11:24No, it's Frazier.
11:28Okay, see you, Duke.
11:30Well, good. How do I look?
11:33Well, a smile would help.
11:35Oh, I know. It's just that this whole merry thing's got me kind of upset.
11:39You know, that woman who grew up in Seattle, she's never even seen that parade.
11:43It's a sacrilege.
11:45God, you know, this event, it's an institution.
11:48It carries with it a tradition of pride and pageantry and old-fashioned good times.
11:57You know, that's not bad. I think I might open with it.
12:03Hey, Frazier, good luck tonight.
12:05Oh, thanks, Niles.
12:07We'll be watching.
12:09Hey, maybe you could say hi to us on the air.
12:12Oh, for God's sake, Daphne, this is not some sort of a home movie.
12:16This event carries with it a tradition of pride, pageantry and old-fashioned good times.
12:23No, no, I don't like it.
12:29Maybe I'll heat up some cider for the parade.
12:32Oh, sounds good to me.
12:34I guess.
12:36Parade just won't be the same without Valentine.
12:41Is anything the same to you without Valentine?
12:44Sure, lots of stuff.
12:47No, not really.
12:53Dad, I know Christmas is a few days off,
12:55but Daphne and I were wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea for you to open one of your presents early.
13:00Oh, no, that'd be cheating.
13:02No opening presents till Christmas morning.
13:05Are you sure?
13:09Oh!
13:11Well, you know, I guess one wouldn't hurt, but I'm not doing this by myself, though.
13:17You two got to open something, too.
13:20What do you think?
13:21One wouldn't hurt.
13:26This is for you.
13:27Oh, and that's yours.
13:29Everybody got something?
13:30Yeah.
13:31All right, good!
13:36Oh!
13:37I knew it!
13:39Thank you so much!
13:43Just how'd you keep it cold?
13:45I hid it in the vegetable crisper.
13:47I knew you'd never look there.
13:52Oh, Niles, they're exquisite.
13:57You're welcome.
13:58And you got me...
14:00Oh.
14:03Oh!
14:05Batteries!
14:09Thank you!
14:10Oh, he opened the wrong package.
14:12He was supposed to open this one.
14:14Well, no, no, I can't open another one. That's not fair.
14:17Well, you know, if we all opened one more, that'd make it even.
14:25Sounds fair.
14:26All right, but that's it.
14:27Yes!
14:28No more!
14:39Merry Christmas, Seattle.
14:41This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
14:43And Dr. Mary.
14:46Welcoming you to the 42nd Annual Seattle Christmas Parade.
14:51Yes!
14:52First off, we want to wish Kelly Kirkland a speedy recovery.
14:56Indeed, and may I say,
14:58it's an honor to be sitting here in the very chairs
15:01that were once occupied by the legendary Bob Vernon
15:05and his co-host, Sergeant Michelle,
15:07that started this tradition so many years ago.
15:10And here comes our first float, Frosty the Snowman!
15:17You know, Mary, historically speaking,
15:19the first float was probably the Trojan horse,
15:24which was a gift to the people of Troy.
15:27Once brought inside the city walls, however,
15:29they discovered it was filled with Greek soldiers
15:32who slaughtered their Trojan enemies in the streets.
15:36But modern floats have come a long way since then.
15:41We hope.
15:45Well, this float comes to us as a gift from Seattle's sister city,
15:50Managua, Nicaragua.
15:52Well, you know, I like the way that sounds.
15:54Managua, Nicaragua.
15:57Sounds like the name of a fine Latino man.
16:00Would you like to dance, Dr. Mary?
16:03Yes, I would, Managua, Nicaragua.
16:06Shake that cute little Costa Rica funk.
16:10For more information, here's Float Reporter Mike.
16:15And we're clear.
16:16This is fun. Isn't this fun?
16:18Yes, yes.
16:19But, you know, Mary, maybe we should try sticking to the script.
16:23The more we improvise, the less professional we look.
16:26Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
16:28Hey, Mary, great ad-libbing. More of that.
16:31Frazier, try to loosen up.
16:33We're back in five.
16:37As you can see, Mary, this enormous stocking
16:40is overstuffed with presents.
16:43Oh, I'd like to tear into one of those gifts right now.
16:46Well, not until Christmas morning, Mary.
16:49You know, in my house,
16:51we don't even shake the boxes.
17:02We're going to need some wrapping paper.
17:04There's a couple of rolls in my room.
17:06I'll get the tape.
17:08And this is the fifth float
17:10sponsored by a local software company.
17:14Hey, those guys in that giant laptop are throwing candy canes.
17:18Yes, Mary, at 150 feet,
17:21it certainly is the largest float in the parade.
17:24Hey, throw some of those candy canes over here.
17:27Come on, come on, put some muscle into it, you nerds.
17:30Oh, now, Mary, let's not embarrass the good people.
17:37This might be a good time for a break,
17:40but we have an exciting surprise coming up,
17:42a special mystery guest.
17:44It's Santa.
17:51Thank you, Mary.
17:55And we're clear.
17:59I think I'm going to go get some air.
18:02But we're outside.
18:05I'm going to stretch my legs.
18:08Hey, Frasier, thanks for the tickets.
18:11Alice is having a great time.
18:13Well, I'm glad somebody is.
18:15Mary is ruining my parade.
18:17Do you know, this has been called
18:19nice banter by a top parade professional.
18:21Does anybody get to hear it? No.
18:23Instead, Mary just rattles on endlessly,
18:25as if every idea that pops into her head
18:27is worth saying out loud.
18:28She is totally unpredictable.
18:30Now, Santa's coming up, and I've prepared a really cute bit,
18:33but I know she's going to ruin that, too.
18:35Look, if you tell her how important it is,
18:37I'm sure she'll back off.
18:38She's a reasonable person.
18:40Fifteen seconds.
18:42Good luck.
18:43Thanks.
18:44Mary, listen, I've let you have free reign
18:46over the parade this evening.
18:47Could I please do the Santa interview myself?
18:49Oh, of course. Of course.
18:51Thank you. Thanks.
18:54And cue.
18:55And we're back.
18:56I see someone special getting off his sleigh.
18:59Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
19:02Well, hello, young man.
19:04Some call him St. Nick.
19:06Others, Kris Kringle.
19:08In Holland, he's affectionately known as...
19:10Oh, you must be Dr. Mary.
19:13You know, I have been meaning to call your show.
19:16My elves always seem to get a little blue
19:19when the work is done,
19:21and I thought maybe you could help.
19:23Oh, Santa.
19:25Santa, I've got some questions over here for you.
19:29Santa, I've got some questions over here for you.
19:32Well, let's all see if we can put our heads together
19:35and come up with a solution.
19:36Ho, ho, ho, ho.
19:38Do you think that Dr. Mary can help Santa
19:41to cheer up his elves?
19:46Well, why don't you give them some candy?
19:49Oh, now, that's a great idea.
19:51No, that's a terrible idea.
19:53Your elves are probably suffering
19:55from seasonal affective disorder.
19:57Now, loading them up with sweets
19:59will only aggravate the problem.
20:01But Mary's right.
20:03Kids love candy.
20:06But elves are not kids.
20:08They're tiny men.
20:11Well, if you want my opinion...
20:13No, thank you, Mary.
20:14We've been listening to your opinions all night,
20:16and frankly, there isn't enough room
20:18left in our heads for another one.
20:19Now, if you would just get back to the day...
20:21Oh, my head.
20:22It's so bad.
20:23I'm so sorry.
20:24What the hell's wrong with you?
20:26I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding.
20:27It was an accident.
20:28I'm feeling dizzy.
20:30Here.
20:31Cut the tape.
20:32I don't care what tape.
20:33Find something.
20:34What's wrong with you?
20:35You attacked Santa Claus.
20:37It was an accident, wasn't it, Mary?
20:39You saw it.
20:40Oh, now you want my opinion.
20:42Honey, you're on your own.
20:51Hello, Mary.
20:53Hello.
20:55Any word on Santa?
20:57Oh, he'll be all right.
20:58They gave him a coagulant.
21:06I'd like to apologize for the way I acted toward you.
21:10It was rude and disrespectful.
21:13Well, what did I do to make you treat me that way?
21:18Well, it's just that doing this parade
21:20has been a dream of mine,
21:22and it felt like you were taking that away from me.
21:25Oh, what do you mean?
21:27We were a team.
21:28Oh, yeah.
21:29I was the boring, stiff guy,
21:31and you were the one everybody loved.
21:33Oh, come on now.
21:34No, it's true, Mary.
21:37This town has taken you into its heart
21:39in a way that they never have with me.
21:42I guess I'm a little jealous of that.
21:45Oh, Frazier, if it helps, I forgive you.
21:49You know something?
21:50When you're not trying so hard,
21:51you're actually kind of lovable yourself.
21:54Really?
21:57Would I be overstepping my bounds
22:01if I were to ask for some sugar right now?
22:12Merry Christmas, Frazier.
22:14Merry Christmas, Mary.
22:17Well, I'm going to get on out of here now.
22:19Right, right.
22:20You know, I'd offer to walk you to your car,
22:22but there's still some angry parents in the parking lot.
22:27Bye-bye.
22:39Excuse me.
22:40Can you just sweep around me?
22:43Um, no.
22:44I want to introduce myself.
22:46I'm Bob Vernon.
22:51Bob...
22:56Bob...
22:57Bob Vernon, hm?
22:59That's right.
23:02Oh, it's an honor, sir.
23:06Say, you didn't...
23:07You didn't watch the parade this evening, did you?
23:10Well, I turned it off
23:12when the smelling salts started making Santa nauseous.
23:17Oh.
23:19You know, Frazier,
23:21I got off to a...
23:23a rather rough start on this parade myself.
23:27You did?
23:28Hm.
23:29Oh, yes.
23:30Now, Sergeant Michelle and I
23:32had absolutely no rapport that first year.
23:35No.
23:36Now, frankly, she got on my nerves.
23:39You know she wasn't a real sergeant.
23:44No.
23:47Listen, son.
23:48Try to lighten up on yourself.
23:52You did some real nice work out there today.
23:58Thanks.
24:00Good luck.
24:05Say, Mr. Vernon.
24:06Yeah?
24:08Is there any chance that...
24:12you'd like to join me in a little banter?
24:17It would be an honor.
24:22Here.
24:26Right here.
24:29Say, Bob.
24:33Have you ever seen 80 beavers march in perfect rhythm?
24:38Frazier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
24:42They can
24:43when they're the marching beavers of the Riverside High School Marching Band.
24:47Whoa.
24:48You tricked me.
24:49Sorry, Bob.
24:51But how about those incredible...
24:59Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:01tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:05Quite stylish.
25:07And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:10Yeah, maybe.
25:11Yeah, maybe.
25:12But I got you pegged.
25:16But I don't know what to do
25:18with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:24They're calling again.
25:28Scrambled eggs all over my face.
25:31What is there more to do?
25:36Frazier has left the building.
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