Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S04 Е02 - Strained Relations
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Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:30All right tree, yeah, I'm all right
00:38Well
00:42Yeah, it's all I'm no trigger on that mate
00:47You can get mad the fly yeah, I'm coming back. Yeah, do us a favor with you go and open up
00:54I
00:55Got one or two things to do
00:58Bunga vicar a couple of quid that sort of thing
01:01um
01:02It's you know free over there
01:04There the North London branch of the family
01:08You know make them welcome. Will you?
01:11Keep your eye on them. Hey, yeah, sure. Thanks. Cheers tree
01:24I
01:40Love a nice funeral going about is two more after this
01:54I
02:24I
02:30Sorry
02:54I
03:01Leave the car. Sure. Yeah
03:06Have a nice little walk. Okay. Yeah connoisseur nice
03:20We gently
03:24I
03:34Well, Michael, how's business in the pub
03:38Not bad boy. She's not bad. Oh
03:40You didn't hear did you Thursday night some Burke make me cigarette machine never what about a sonic burglar alarm?
03:47Don't boy soldier. Oh, yeah
03:49They make that at all
03:54I
04:02Just make some excuse they say we're in a hurry or something
04:06But it's a funeral love
04:08You've got to get all the way back to North London
04:11If we don't leave now, we'll cop the shower
04:14Look, I don't want to go back to their flat over gene, but I'm family
04:17Don't want to go back there
04:20He was my brother it's got nothing to do with you uncle up so stay out of it
04:25What do you mean? He was your brother you and him didn't talk to each other for years
04:28Me and your aunt Ada didn't talk to each other for years, but she was still me wife
04:35Come on we'll go back for our power show our respect. Anyway, we'd only have been whining all the way home
04:45Don't you dare like that pipe in my car
04:50It was a lovely service Vika, thank you very much
04:58As anyone seen my hat it was
05:09Come on come on get stuck in
05:14Where's the cake and candles do do what?
05:16I
05:24Ain't cooking at this time of night
05:28Is that true
05:32Ever die off trigger
05:41Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves I trick yes a good do thing
05:47I'm gonna leave you mob sometimes you got any fags on you trick. Yeah
06:01What sort you fancy any of those yeah
06:06Keeping I've got loads
06:08Cheers Cheers Dave
06:12Rodney in it is when trigger ain't about yeah
06:16Well great uncle Albert really I'm your granddad's brother
06:20Yeah, yeah, he told me about you. Yeah, but you know, I don't know. No, it's a that sort of thing
06:27Shame really
06:28Me and him lost touch with each other years ago. I spent most of my life at sea, you know
06:33Royal Navy merchant, do you know I was torpedoed five times? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what a cruise nicknamed me?
06:41Jonah
06:44I didn't call me Jonah. Not many of them. I used to call me boomerang trotter. Could I always come back?
06:55Here only do me a favor. Well, you know them batteries out there in a hole stick him in the corridor
06:59Okay, someone falls over. I'm all right
07:05One more drink get on our way
07:07I
07:09Don't like the people over this side of the river. They're not as nice as North Londoners
07:14You don't know what you're talking about girl. I was born right here need I say more
07:18You couldn't wish to meet a more honest and generous people as South Londoners honest and generous
07:24I notice they didn't have a whip round at the cemetery. It couldn't could I someone Nick the Vickers at?
07:32Do you remember us Oh cousin Stan Stan? Yes. Yeah, of course. I remember you
07:36Yeah, I was gonna come over and have a chat with you. It's my wife. Jean. Oh, Jean. Yeah. Hello, Jean
07:40Uncle Albert Oh uncle Albert. Hello
07:44Your mom asked me to be your godfather. Oh, yeah. I thought uncle George was my godfather. Yeah, that's right
07:50Me and him spun a coin George lost
07:55So what you up to these days are standing still poncing around in insurance game, right? Oh, I'm still in the insurance business
08:01Yeah, you're very nicely. Thank you. Oh, we've got our own place all paid for
08:05Really? What you got a masonette? Oh, it's a mobile home actually
08:13Bedrooms a breakfast bar to combine toilet and shower room. Oh, it's a big caravan
08:19Well, this is just a council flat, isn't it? Yeah, there's no chance of this getting a puncture. Is there?
08:27If we live it with us for 18 months now, you only pop round for a screwdriver
08:32If I hear another nautical yawn, I'll swing for him
08:36Someone suggested an old folks on you. You can't do that. It's family. Oh
08:40We didn't consider it. Did we love of course not. Well, not then prices anyway
08:49You all right son
08:52You ever been on board a ship ready? Yeah. Yeah when I was a kid
08:58Granddad took me I
09:00See, did he ever take you down and show you the engine room? No. No, it was only the Woolwich Ferry
09:07He got seasick
09:09Go on by the rubber I've tunnel. I
09:12Used to work in the engine room maintenance that sort of thing called em boilers took some looking at
09:19Do you know what the most important gadget is in the engine room the lock on the portal?
09:24No
09:26They don't have pork
09:28It's a safety valve on the boiler. You get a buildup of pressure and a safety valve ain't working bang
09:35The old gubbins explodes you got a finer way of releasing the pressure
09:40That's what's happening to do is releasing the pressure
09:45Laughter's just a safety valve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's right
09:51people laughing in there I
09:54Ain't laughing. I ain't laughing today. I ain't laughing tomorrow
10:00Don't want to laugh for the rest of my life
10:03Well as long as you're happy, son
10:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for coming my ear you're doing a bit of a flyer ain't you no
10:15Well, it's a sign of respect for your granddad. I've decided to open the pub early. Oh, that's very nice of you Mike
10:21Appreciate the gesture. Thanks. Oh about the booze it comes to 86 quid, please Mike and discuss money now. I
10:30Mean you'll be offering me a discount for cash next
10:34won't you I
10:37Saw the periscope off my look starboard. I
10:41Saw the wash and a torpedo fins. It caught us right at the
10:46At the pointed end, yeah wallop up it went foam flame
10:52fire smoke
10:54burning metal
10:56As soon as it happened, I thought to myself. Hello. We've been it
11:01Bet you get to know the little science
11:05Yeah, okay my ear listen don't worry about that burglar alarm that got Nick because trigger knows where he can get hold of another one
11:12Whip it around to you. Okay. Okay. Cheers. They'll see you Rob. Nick. Yeah
11:17Yeah, that's your thanks my ear do I've just been telling young body about more days in the Navy
11:22I don't know why you don't join up. Yeah. Well, you just give me five good reasons
11:41I
11:53Ain't really all that hungry though. Oh, come on Rogers. I've been an hour out there in that kitchen cooking this go on
11:59Try it at least
12:01I
12:06Can't eat that though, what's wrong with it? It's nothing like granddad. Is it tastes nice? I
12:16Tried to mess it up honest I did Rodney
12:19Just didn't have his knack
12:21Do you know he was taught to cook at one of London's biggest establishments? You're kidding. No straight up
12:28He was a trainee chef at the ear nose and throat hospital
12:34Now come on it can't skip this hiding shall we yeah, why not?
12:42Well, it's just it's just us two now breath me and you against the rest I
12:50Don't stand a bloody chance today
12:58Someone's trying to pull our lavatory chain
13:03I know it's an awkward one in it. The secret is one slow pull and then a sharp one
13:12There you go
13:18Yeah, we're the only ones in the flat and someone's trying to flush our lab
13:28Maybe it's a washer or something
13:38No, it's all right, it's probably something, you know quite simple, you know, nothing nothing at all really
13:46Where's my bloody hammer
13:52They'll
13:59Oh
14:00My bloody head go Bennett. You nearly had your head caved in
14:06Too much of that cognac
14:09Where is everyone? What have all gone home? Haven't they? It's half-past 11 at night
14:14Where the hell have you been? I cocked out on one them beds cool. My belly's going round and round. Oh
14:22my god
14:25Bossy Levin
14:27Do you fix down and Gina be worried about me worried about you?
14:31Yeah. Well, of course, they'll be worried about you. Well, hey, well, oh
14:36Well, look we can't drive you back there tonight now. No me and Rodney have had enough to drink
14:42What about a mini cabin? No, you won't get one now Rodney. They'll be busy washing out their back seats
14:47You
14:51Gotta stay in a night and I'll drive you back to North London tomorrow
14:54All right, Rodney you go and lock up or make sure that you bring them batteries in for somebody swipes them
14:58All right. No one's gonna make them Dale. Yeah. How do you think we gone? I
15:05Appreciate this son. I forget it
15:07I'll get you a pillar and some blankets and you can make yourself a bed there on the chaise lounge
15:11All right. Hey, I won't be able to sleep on there deal. I need a good firm mattress
15:16I've got a curvature and a spine see really it's all them years sleeping in an hammock. I suppose. Yeah
15:23Much will keep down in there. I know no, you can't go in there. That's my granddad's room. Yeah, but I'm his brother
15:28Yeah, they don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room
15:33Room is gonna remain exactly as he left it
15:37Room is gonna be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather
15:43Yeah
15:44I understand. No, I just have to think of something else. That's all
15:48It's if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room. I could put it down there. No, I'll never get it through the door
15:54Which one they said I'll sling him in granddad's room for now, will you Rodney?
15:58Oh
16:12All right, did you get Albert home safely? Yeah, I got him home safely. All right, Rodney
16:20Morning son
16:23You're back
16:26Boomerang trotter always comes back. What happens? What happens? I'll tell you what happens. I
16:32Drove him all the way back to North London right through the bleeding rush hour
16:36And what do we find when we got there Stan and Jean have moved?
16:44What you mean move mean what do I mean they hooked a caravan on the back of the Cortina and they've had it away
16:51This was lying where the caravan once stood it's just me clothes and a few personal belongings
16:59Yeah, you mean that's all you've got in the world. No. No, we've got to go back tomorrow to pick up his parents
17:07That is
17:08Disgusting in it. I mean deserting him like that. Yeah, I ain't the first time it's happened either. I
17:14Mean, I think there should be a law or something against say yeah, I know all I want to know is where they've got
17:20Yeah, what'd you say you said I?
17:22Said it ain't the first time it's happened either. Do you remember your cousin Audrey?
17:26I went and stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year one day
17:30He sent me down to Sainsbury's this shopping list when I come back. I'd emigrated
17:37Not a tricky bird to me though
17:39Then it was young Julian, you know Patsy's girl
17:42I went over there to give her a bit of comfort because her husband was on nights
17:47Six months later. She sets fire to the house
17:50She got three months medical supervision for that
17:53I can remember thinking as I stood on the ledge and jumped into the fireman's net. That's gratitude
18:04I've got a funny feeling
18:08So I Rodney I feel like a turkey who's just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him
18:15I
18:21Think what you ought to do with those
18:22You like you put them in here right in they go they go in there cuz you're not staying here. All right
18:28Course not just for a couple of days. That's all no. No, no not for a couple of days not for one day
18:33There's a seaman's mission down in st. Catherine's dock you go down there go on
18:37Well, I thought I'd just have a look at the local paper and find myself some digs. Yeah, that's a good idea uncle
18:43They'll have a local paper down at the mission that go on sling your up. Yeah, all right, Dale
18:47You don't mind if I have a quick cup of tea. No, go on
18:50There's a flask of cold tea out there and some Bollivans from yesterday
18:54Cheers
18:57Hey, what are you doing winding you up? Yeah. Yeah, I'm winding him up
19:05Yeah, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights and get himself sorted out he's a trotter Rodney we're trotters
19:11I know but we take off the mum in nature. He's from dad's side of the family
19:15You know what? They're like you offer him a cup of tea and they think you've adopted them
19:18Look at that time when dad came around here. He wanted to stay one night
19:22Took us nine a fortnight to get rid of him
19:30Uncle Albert might not be like that. Oh, leave it out Rodney
19:34You've heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time. He came around the Cape of good. Hope
19:38He was three months on the same wave
19:42I don't believe you Dale. I do not believe that you of all people could
19:51Where do you think you're going I'm going down a calf I'm gonna get some grub and some better company
20:01I'm gonna put some clothes on
20:11He'll
20:31You've changed though it was about time you did come on we're gonna go down a market later on
20:35I mean your personality has changed. I've seen a side of you. I never knew existed
20:41You don't understand Rodney, you're right about that Dale. I mean look at you last night
20:46You was you was laughing you was drinking. I mean, why didn't you just put your boney M record on dough?
20:51We can buy the good old me
20:54It was great day
20:58How could you get over it so easily
21:01Get over it
21:05What a plonker you really are
21:07I
21:11Ain't even started yet. I ain't even started bruv. And do you know why because I don't know how to that's why
21:22Survived all my life with a smile and a prayer. I'm Del Boy. I know good old Del Boy. He's got more bounce than Zebedee
21:29Yeah, pal what you're drinking go on hello darling you have one for luck that's me that's Del Boy in it
21:34nothing ever upsets Del Boy
21:37I've always played the tough guy. I didn't want to but I had to
21:42And I played it for so long now. I don't know how to be anything else. I
21:50Don't even know how to
21:54Oh, it don't matter
21:57Bloody families I'll finish with them
22:00What do they do to you eh?
22:02Hold your back drag you down
22:08And then they break your bloody heart
22:17Sorry
22:38Hello
22:42Okay, all right, all right pal what you drinking give you one I'll have a Malibu and tonic with some lime and alpha lager
22:49Please darling in the same glass
22:52No in separate ones if you don't mind, I don't know do I might have been one of your erotic cocktails
23:00Saucy little cow that one ain't she
23:03Yeah, brill terrific, yeah, thanks, you know quiet
23:06Yeah, you know that old boy that was at the funeral in with the beard. Yeah, he was there lunchtime. Oh
23:12Yeah, what is he a relative or something? No. Well, yeah, I mean it's distant relative
23:17Yeah, he was telling me all about his wartime dramas torpedoed five times dive-bombed twice. He's a bit of a jinx
23:23Yeah, you know what his last job was don't you he was entertainment's officer on the Belgrano
23:32Right cheers darling 180. All right. There you go. Go on everyone for luck
23:35Oh, yeah reminds me down about all that booze yesterday. Yeah, what about it went down a treat in it. See you later, mate
23:46Cheers I
23:48Wonder where he is. Hey
23:50Albert Oh, yeah. Well, he's down a seaman's mission by now
23:54Anyway, got himself a lovely little bed blind and little locker. Yeah, he's as happy as pig in sugar. He is
24:02Yeah, I'm sorry, but makes you think don't it? I mean man fights for his country like that, you know line his life on the line
24:10Do you know he went down with five different ships? Yeah, I know. I don't know
24:15I just didn't join the submarine Corps in the first
24:17Oh
24:31Yeah, it's got a nasty cough and I yeah pretty boots ain't open it
24:35You
24:43Alright hunk
24:44Fine son. Yeah, good. You got down a mission name. Yeah, we've done everybody ain't here no more. I knocked it down
24:52built some luxury flats in a marina
24:57Look I ain't got very much. I've got what? Oh put your money away Rodney. I don't want it
25:05Thanks for the offer though
25:07Go on you go back to tell don't you worry about me?
25:11All right. Don't worry
25:24It's all right Rodney nothing to worry about it's just me lungs
25:31We're a mine coming back from Normandy
25:36I was trapped for 12 hours in a smoke-filled engine room. Well, if it's not one thing, it's another
25:48You ain't got nowhere to sleep tonight, hmm, he went down a mission it's not there anymore. It's just a marina
25:55Well Connie kip in the back of that
26:02Yachting marina
26:06Granddad's brother sitting over there. Would you want him to sleep by a doss house?
26:10Listen, Rodney that bloke has been in shark infested seas, right?
26:14He's been attacked by kamikaze pilots and blown up more times than a beach ball
26:20One night in a doss house ain't gonna do him any harm, is it
26:24You don't believe all them stories do yeah
26:29What do you reckon they're porkies
26:31I
26:36Didn't want to say nothing cuz you know, he's a proud man Oh proud
26:40He's comes from dad's side of the family, don't he? No, I just offered him a couple of quid and he wouldn't take a penny
26:46No, what he wouldn't would he he still got that hundred quid. I gave him the saw
26:53Yeah, don't think I'd let him go out potless do you is that why you can't pay Mike for the booze oh, come on
27:01Come on
27:06All right
27:08Yeah, all right, son. Just
27:10Having a drop of rum warmly old cockles. Yeah you eatin
27:15No, not yet
27:17Then why didn't you have something to eat when you was in here at lunchtime?
27:19I we're all dad left with sausage and mash and I've gone right all that
27:26Fancy an Indian
27:29Wouldn't mind son
27:31We'd never get a table this time of night there. No, we'd have to get a takeaway and eat it at home
27:39Yeah, yeah, that's what we'll do get a take away and a oh my if it's all right with you to Dell
27:48Thanks, what you're thanking me for you're paying
27:55Come on sin bad, let's get down there before the elf inspector
27:59Oh
28:05I'm glad I caught you. I've just found the mission. They said they got a bed for you