One Foot In The Grave S06 E02 - Tales of Terror
Transcript
00:00Oh, is that right, Mr Blizzard?
00:27You know, funnily enough, the fact that you've got it firmly in hand does not surprise me at all.
00:33It's exactly what I would expect from a complete and utter wanker.
00:38What?
00:40I ordered a crazy paved path for the front garden. Where does a pile of bricks come into it?
00:46Oh, yes, and I've stopped that check for the thing you laughingly call a barbecue out the back there,
00:50which hasn't been in the right place since day one.
00:54Yes, well, you can threaten me all you like, Mr Blizzard. You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever.
01:00Oh, when will it ever end?
01:04They carry me out of here in a box. It's not my doing all this.
01:09People just can't be bothered anymore.
01:11Yes, like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate, wasn't you?
01:17I got stuck in a funeral procession this morning.
01:20The mourners were upset enough without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium.
01:26Oh, how do you really have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard?
01:33It's just while I'm doing my test. You know what the doctor said?
01:36To keep a watch for any mark change in frequency or consistency.
01:39Yes, of course. I don't think we need to go into the details, thank you.
01:42Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up?
01:45There's some elastoplast in the top cupboard.
01:47Yes, in a second.
01:49Oh. What's this?
01:52Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred. Read it and weep.
01:55Why? What does it say?
01:56Do you remember that message he left us on April 1st, saying that we fancied two tickets to the Bahamas,
02:00that he'd won on the firm's raffle because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?
02:04Yes, which was obviously an April fool, so we didn't bother to...
02:09Oh, you're joking.
02:12Absolutely genuine.
02:14Even the next-door neighbours had the time of their lives.
02:18It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch,
02:21but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring to try and arrange something.
02:25Oh, God, and the answer machine's not working.
02:28We'll have to declare a full code red,
02:31let every call ring, then dial 1471 and see if it's safe to phone back.
02:38You was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests
02:41and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on.
02:44Why do people always want to meet up?
02:48Well enough to get Mrs Warboy's coming round tonight with Cousin Wilf,
02:51with that weird voice synthesiser thing of his,
02:55and his palm top.
02:57Like having tea with a Dalek.
03:00Well, if a poor man can't speak since his stroke,
03:03what else is he supposed to do?
03:05A marvellous invention, really.
03:07Well, he can learn to type properly.
03:10I haven't forgotten the last time they were here,
03:12when he asked me to put some hot mustard in his rhubarb.
03:16Neither has he.
03:47Morning, Mr Meldrew.
03:49I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment, then.
03:52What?
03:55Oh, yeah.
03:57Well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so...
03:59If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up.
04:01Sorry?
04:11Yes, yes, thank you very much, that'll do for now.
04:17Oh, yes, gardens have been getting a bit dry on the campus lately.
04:21Weathermen say there's more to come.
04:24Where did that come from?
04:26Sorry?
04:27Oh, yes, I've just been giving it a quick rinse through,
04:30ready for its next outing.
04:32Very realistic, they make them nowadays.
04:34When I first started in amateur dramatics,
04:36you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon.
04:39Right, so you were doing some kind of play.
04:41Oh, yes, I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes
04:45with Murders in the Room Org.
04:47Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s.
04:49We found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it,
04:53they tend to start nodding off, so...
04:55And, of course, for this one,
04:57Mr Snoxall gave us his rather splendid Orang-O-Tang,
05:00so it was quite a hit all in all.
05:02Oh, really, Mr Snoxall?
05:04I didn't know he had one.
05:06What's that?
05:08An Orang-O-Tang.
05:10Sorry?
05:11No, no, no, that's just an expression we use in theatrical circles.
05:14I mean, he gave us his betrayal of an Orang-O-Tang.
05:17I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start, but...
05:21Anyway, for our next production in our season, Tales of Terror,
05:24we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire,
05:26which should be quite a good one.
05:28We've got little Mrs Impey from Number 10
05:31playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenra,
05:33and, fingers crossed for the title role,
05:36we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop.
05:39Oh, hello, Mrs Impey.
05:41Just a tick, and I'll unlock the gate for you.
05:44I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head through some Sturgeon,
05:47so it's all nice and fresh for you.
05:49Yeah, yeah, well, I wish you luck with it all anyway.
05:52Yeah, bye-bye to you.
05:54And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is.
06:02And, I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85, would you, Will?
06:07Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair.
06:11His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps
06:14put in along the upstairs landing,
06:16if she can get a grant from the council.
06:19It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
06:25Yes. Yes, it must have been.
06:30And this was up in Pontefract, did you say?
06:34Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf,
06:38especially in the hot weather.
06:41I was violently sick 11 times.
06:44Oh, dear.
06:46Now, while I think of it...
06:49Check.
06:51A residence.
06:55Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,
06:58from the local deli up there.
07:05Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
07:08And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw
07:12for something to do in the evenings, so...
07:21Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
07:24That's Sheffield Steel. It'll last you a lifetime.
07:28I am just going to go to the Lavarotti.
07:33You know where it is, Wilf?
07:38Bless him. He's coping so well.
07:41And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday.
07:45I was thinking of taking him to the old moat house
07:48just up the road from here for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate.
07:52I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us.
08:03What do you say?
08:05Actually, we'd love to come,
08:08but unfortunately we've got to go to a funeral on Friday.
08:13An old friend of the family.
08:16And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day.
08:20Oh, dear. What a shame.
08:22Isn't it always the way?
08:24Yes, well...
08:26Could someone get me a broth of soup?
08:30Victor?
08:32You dare!
08:35What do you want to go and tell him a lie like that for?
08:39Say we're going to a funeral, of all things.
08:42What else was I supposed to say?
08:44No thanks, we'd both be bored witless.
08:47And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes round.
08:55It's like you say.
08:57Why do people always want to meet up?
09:19They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see,
09:22where wonders never cease.
09:24You say I shouldn't keep on at them,
09:26but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid.
09:34What in the name of God...
09:39What is it? Do they...
09:41Can you believe this?
09:44What is it? No, for goodness' sake.
09:50Is that a real...
09:52It's kind of done.
09:54You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?
09:58They break into your house in the middle of the night
10:00and do a thing like this.
10:02What were they using, muffled hods?
10:05I'll have to call somebody, the fire brigade or another builder.
10:08Chances are they'll have it down in a couple of hours.
10:11Couple of hours? My bladder won't last five minutes.
10:15Who are you ringing?
10:17Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew,
10:20where you'd normally fit it onto a tap.
10:22Yes, right.
10:32Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready.
10:35Right, yes, sorry.
10:43In your own time, then, Mr Meldrew.
10:51Oh, it's terrible!
10:54APPLAUSE
11:16So, sorry, Mr Dimkins,
11:18when you say a problem empathising with a character,
11:21you mean the blood-sucking?
11:23And turning into a wolf?
11:25No, no, no, I hear what you're saying,
11:27and thank you for letting me know anyway.
11:30Bye-bye to you.
11:37Can I offer you a bite at all?
11:39Sorry?
11:41Oh, no, that's more than I dare do.
11:43Now, I have managed to get it all off.
11:46No, that's a bit of bad news.
11:48Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down.
11:51Oh, not the vampire part.
11:54So what do you think you'll do now, then?
11:59I don't suppose there's any way it would interest you at all?
12:19Oh, my God! No! No! No!
12:22SCREAMS
12:26No, thanks ever so much. It was very useful, actually.
12:29It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all.
12:32Pleasure. Well, I'll see you at rehearsals, then, let's say, on Friday.
12:36Bye.
12:49You know, there's a shame about Christopher Lee.
12:52He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he?
12:56Never really got under the skin of the character.
13:00As far as I could see.
13:02Yes, well, when you've finished drinking the blood of virgins,
13:06you may like to know that our number plates have gone.
13:09Number plates? How do you mean, gone?
13:11Gone, stolen.
13:13Probably by somebody round here who was sick to death of the sight of them.
13:18Don't answer that!
13:21That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive.
13:24You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more.
13:27Sorry, I forgot. Is that the Second Post?
13:30Yep. No news, I suppose, about my test result?
13:32What test?
13:34Well, I'm not talking about my 11-plus, am I?
13:37My test. Will you stop going on about that thing?
13:40You're worse than a child.
13:42If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place
13:46and I'll get you some new plates.
13:56Right.
13:58That's me off to rehearsals, then.
14:00There may be a while.
14:02Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again.
14:05I've left his card at the table if you want to do a reading.
14:09Just take some deep breaths, Wilf.
14:12You'll be fine.
14:14I suppose, on reflection, that knickerbocker glory was a bit heavy.
14:18You know what you're like in cars these days?
14:21It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week.
14:25We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down
14:29till your tummy's settled.
14:31As I say,
14:33they were desperate to come out with us themselves, but there we are.
14:37I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day,
14:41having to go to London for a funeral.
14:44I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day,
14:47having to go to London for a funeral.
15:15Just one more second.
15:17I'll try to hold out.
15:25I'll just pop up the stairs and get you a wet blanket.
15:31OK, then, I'll see you in a minute.
15:33I'll see you in a minute.
15:35I'll see you in a minute.
15:37I'll see you in a minute.
15:39I'll see you in a minute.
15:41I'll see you in a minute.
15:43OK, then, everyone, we're just going to have a look
15:45at a few problem areas in Act 3 this afternoon.
15:48I think we're all present and correct.
15:50Mrs Impey will be with us shortly.
15:52She's just upstairs with Derek, having her costume tweaked.
15:55Oh, yes, one bit of good news first of all, Mrs Meldrew.
15:58You remember I said Lindsay had gone down with a nasty tummy bug
16:01and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together?
16:04Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid.
16:06But at the last minute, her auntie Maureen
16:08has very generously agreed to step into her shoes.
16:12So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there.
16:15Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxall
16:19and we'll begin.
16:31How are you feeling now?
16:35I think I would like a glass of water.
16:38Yes, of course. You wait right there.
16:43I think I am going to be sick again.
16:53So, that's been a very productive session, then, everyone.
16:56Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it,
16:59and an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?
17:02Oh, yes, Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot.
17:04This came through my door for you this morning in error.
17:07Chartres Hospital.
17:09Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something?
17:12Mr Swayde?
17:14Yes, coming right up.
17:26So, what do you think?
17:28You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now.
17:31Do you want to rest a bit longer or...?
17:40MUSIC PLAYS
18:02Oh!
18:09LAUGHTER
18:13I think I would like a glass of water.
18:20I think I am going to be sick again.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:40MUSIC STOPS
18:46LAUGHTER
18:58HE SIGHS
19:05SHE SIGHS
19:10LAUGHTER
19:14Ow!
19:20What the hell are you doing in there?
19:24What about you?
19:26Ah!
19:28How long have you been back?
19:30Since about five o'clock. Why?
19:32Five o'clock? Oh!
19:35Jean was here.
19:38Cousin Wilf had been sick in the car again.
19:41Then they came in here to...
19:43Oh, for the love of Monk!
19:46Four hours nearly I've been in there doubled up like a penknife.
19:50Didn't you even wonder where I was?
19:53I had other things in my mind.
19:55Oh, what?
19:57Prising your face out of Lindsay Gibbon's neck all afternoon?
20:00My test result is positive.
20:02What?
20:05What?
20:07You mean Wilf found there was blood in your...
20:10Said I have to make an appointment with the specialist
20:13at my earliest convenience for further investigations.
20:17Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea.
20:25I despair.
20:27I do. Straight.
20:29Last week, two big black bags I gave you.
20:34One full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners,
20:37the other with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip.
20:44And no-one would believe it, would they?
20:54So, that's three of my best skirts, is it?
20:58Have now gone into the crusher.
21:01I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes.
21:08What time's your hospital appointment? 12.30?
21:11You sure you don't want me to come with you?
21:13Look, I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today.
21:16No, you go and get that sorted out.
21:18Perhaps I'll find you on the way back. It's only two bus stops.
21:21It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding.
21:25I'll see you later.
21:27And stop worrying.
21:32Hmm.
21:39Anyone in?
21:42I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said.
21:45My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear.
21:50For some reason. Right, I'll get that thing for you.
21:54Shame that. I've got rather a lot to get today.
21:58Oh, thanks.
22:00Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I?
22:04Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today?
22:07Or did I imagine it?
22:10So, Mr Meldrew,
22:13haemocult tests were positive,
22:17but no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel.
22:24And there's no reason you can think of
22:26why blood should have found its way into your digestive system.
22:37Unless it's to do with being a vampire.
22:48I'm rehearsing for this play.
22:53I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out
22:55what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew.
22:59So, are you familiar with the procedure called a colonoscopy?
23:04Ah.
23:23Ah.
23:45Victor!
23:49What did he say? Was everything all right?
23:52They gave me a sedative.
23:54Well, they put this thing, like a long tube with a sparkler on the end,
23:59right up inside me.
24:01And?
24:03What did they find?
24:05Mrs Warboy's black pudding.
24:08What?
24:09Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me.
24:13Then, as I was getting dressed, I suddenly remembered
24:17I'd had that ruddy black pudding
24:21full of pig's blood and God knows what.
24:25I need to lie down before I fall down.
24:28Where's the car?
24:52Oh, where is he?
24:54I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down.
24:57Well, he did. I...
25:02He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely.
25:22Oh.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:50Come on, sit down. You must be ready for a cup of tea.
25:53Sit down? That's a joke.
25:56Bad enough. I'm feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus,
26:00thanks to Mrs Warboy's.
26:03And to waken up in the back of that bloody thing,
26:06halfway to Burton and Trent,
26:09I never thought I was going to get off alive.
26:12Well, I was lucky you had the money for the train fare,
26:15or you might still have reached on the...
26:184291.
26:21Ronnie!
26:24I'm sorry we haven't been in touch,
26:26but things have been a bit hectic, Clare.
26:29Hectic? Had a right basinful of it lately.
26:32I have straight.
26:34Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back.
26:38I've heard of it trying to force a camel through the eye of a needle.
26:42Yes, yes, we'll be round right away.
26:44Round where right away?
26:46What the hell did you tell him that for?
26:48Mildred's dead.
26:50What do you mean?
26:52What do I mean?
26:54Dead! Stopped breathing a few minutes ago.
26:57They were playing cards.
26:59She went upstairs and the poor man's in a terrible state.
27:02He doesn't know who else to turn to.
27:04Oh, my God!
27:06I'll get my coat.
27:13PHONE RINGS
27:19Oh.
27:21Oh, Ronnie.
27:23Oh, I don't know what on earth to say.
27:26Have you rung for an ambulance?
27:28I mean, what happened?
27:30You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind.
27:33She only needed Mrs Stitch, the tailor's wife, to win.
27:39Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to...
27:43And then, of course, when she didn't come down again,
27:48so, er...
27:51Where is she now?
27:53Is she still up there?
27:55THUNDER RUMBLES
28:15I just can't get my head round it, even now.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul.
28:26Well, they both did.
28:28And now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression.
28:33Heaven knows how he's going to cope from now on.
28:36Yeah.
28:38Been upset for anyone, I should think,
28:40to find your wife's hanged herself to a game of happy families.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:47Oh, so that's another funeral we've got to go to.
28:50What do you mean, another one?
28:52The first one didn't exist.
28:56I don't know.
28:58How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life?
29:05Well, wasn't that the last of her scent?
29:07Just go out and cultivate your garden.
29:10If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias.
29:14CLICKS
29:16LAUGHTER