Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00🎵
00:30I'm sorry, we don't have any leaflets about the beach.
00:35But if you go across this road and over the next one,
00:37it's that long, dry, sandy thing in front of the sea.
00:40If your feet get wet, you've gone too far.
00:45Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
00:48A Benidorm all-nighter!
00:50A Benidorm all-nighter?
00:52Didn't you think to call the Coast Guard when we didn't come back?
00:55Coast Guard? I thought you were going straight on to your honeymoon.
00:58No. Actually, that's the point. Why aren't you in Venice?
01:01We missed the bloody plane after being stranded on Peacock Bloody Island!
01:05What are you shouting at me for?
01:07It wasn't my fault the boat didn't come back till this morning.
01:09Well, whose fault was it then?
01:11Mrs Templeton-Summers, why don't you two get off to bed?
01:14I'll get cleaned up and I'll bring you a bit of break-up later.
01:18Where is Kenneth? He was supposed to make the alarm.
01:21Kenneth? He was with you.
01:23He did the swim from Peacock Island to make the alarm.
01:26Do they not hear from him?
01:27Oh, congratulations!
01:30Bloody hell, you look like you all had a good night.
01:34I hope Kenneth survived it.
01:39I'm going to bed.
01:41I'm getting changed.
01:44Summer, are you going to be all right on reception?
01:46I can hardly expect Leslie to do a full shift
01:48after the horrors we've been through.
01:50You're on three days' holiday, whether you're in Venice or not.
01:53I know, but I...
01:54Oh, my God, I've just realised what that is you're all covered in.
01:59I suppose that's what you get for sleeping under the stars.
02:02Sleeping under the stars is not the problem.
02:04It's sleeping under the ash of the seagulls.
02:06This was the problem.
02:09Are you getting in this lift or not?
02:12Sam, can you hold the fork for a couple of hours while I freshen up?
02:15No, I'll hold the fork for a couple of days.
02:18You're on your honeymoon.
02:19Some honeymoon.
02:21Thanks, Sam.
02:23Oh!
02:30Come on!
02:36Come on, get up!
02:38What?
02:39Get up, come on, get up!
02:42I'm up.
02:43So why don't you get back into bed?
02:45I haven't got time for that this morning.
02:47Our Rob and Sid are going to be here in, oh, my God, four hours.
02:50Get up!
02:52Even if Rob and his mate were getting here in the next four minutes,
02:57what difference does it make if my pants are on the floor?
02:59Why are you saying it like that?
03:00Saying what?
03:01His mate.
03:03Our son is coming on Aldi and bringing a 23-year-old South American bloke
03:07who he's described as the most beautiful person I've ever met.
03:11Excuse me if I pause before the word mate.
03:14I've worked it out.
03:16Yeah, so have I.
03:17We just need our Jodie to call herself Jo and start wearing tweed jackets
03:21and that's it, no grandchildren.
03:23He's never mentioned if Sid is a girl or a boy because it's obvious.
03:26Sid, C-Y-D, is a girl's name.
03:29The text last night said,
03:31Sid says he can't wait to meet you.
03:34No, look.
03:35Sid says he can't wait to meet you.
03:38He spelt says with two S's.
03:40Oh, right, that's it.
03:42I don't mind him being gay but he can't spell.
03:44Tell him not to bother coming, he's no son of mine.
03:46Look, the extra S on says belongs to the he, making it a she.
03:52It's too early for the countdown conundrum.
03:54I'll have two from the top and one from the bottom, please.
03:57No, they're coming in less than four hours.
03:59There's no answer to that.
04:03Come on!
04:04Sharon!
04:17SHE WHIMPERS
04:20Do you know, there's something going on down there.
04:23Just come to bed.
04:25What's wrong with you?
04:27What do you mean, what's wrong with me?
04:29I've just spent the night on Planet of the Apes,
04:31covered in bird droppings.
04:32We all have.
04:34Not with my back.
04:38Room servicing.
04:39What are you doing, letting yourself in?
04:41I could have been undressed.
04:43Oh, do not worry, I have seen much worse.
04:46What do you mean, worse?
04:48One full England breakfast and one lady breakfast.
04:50And, of course, champagne for the merry couple.
04:53Bon appétit.
04:54Can you wait outside? I'm coming down with you.
04:56You will not.
04:58Monty, I'm just going to pop down for a few minutes.
05:01Joyce, it's our honeymoon.
05:03I'm telling you to get in this bed.
05:08I'm asking you, asking you very firmly to get in this bed.
05:16I will leave you to get firm.
05:29You could ring down for some HP, could you?
05:37So, what do you think of it so far?
05:40Well, as all inclusive Spanish people,
05:42I think this is worth the £100 transfer fee I had to pay to Tiger.
05:45You are so jammy.
05:47I paid nearly four times that for the same holiday.
05:52Oh, it's quite busy.
05:54We better get checked in if we're going to get some sunbeds.
06:03Callum, are you OK?
06:06Mate, what's wrong?
06:09Are you OK?
06:11Mate.
06:12What?
06:13Are you all right, bruv?
06:15You look a bit upset.
06:16Upset?
06:17Upset?
06:18Are you on crack?
06:20So, what's the plan then?
06:21Well, it's our first day.
06:22I thought we could just chill.
06:24I can live with that.
06:26We've got all week to sniff out the old Pink Panther.
06:28The what?
06:30The sausage packet.
06:32Oh, I think we've missed breakfast.
06:34No, what we came for.
06:36The meat wallet.
06:38That's inclusive.
06:39No, you idiot.
06:40The calamari custard smuggler.
06:42The notorious V.A.G.
06:44Count Flapula.
06:46Lawrence of Alabia.
06:48You mean girls?
06:49Yes.
06:50Yes, girls.
06:51What else?
06:52And listen, mate.
06:53You've got to be super cool with Steve.
06:54Who's Steve?
06:56What was the name of that rep you had a go on last year?
06:58Oh, Sam.
06:59Aye, that's right.
07:00I knew she had a fella's name.
07:01Let her down gently, yeah.
07:03Older girl, wasn't she?
07:04A bit older than me, yeah.
07:05Yeah, they're good in the sack, the older ones,
07:07because they're grateful as hell.
07:09But they can get a bit hysterical.
07:11She knows you guys are cool, right,
07:12because I don't want to be no third wheel on the bike here.
07:15Oh, yeah, Sam is cool.
07:17She is ice cool.
07:19Ha-ha!
07:20Ha-ha!
07:21Ha-ha!
07:22Ha-ha!
07:23Ha-ha!
07:24Ha-ha!
07:25Ha-ha!
07:26You're here.
07:27I thought you checked in and were avoiding me.
07:30Oh, that's it.
07:33You look great.
07:35So do you.
07:38Oh, sorry, I'm Sam.
07:40Callum.
07:41So I'll see you at some point.
07:43I mean, today, I mean.
07:45Or tomorrow, or whenever.
07:47Yeah, for sure.
07:49Right.
07:50See you later.
07:56See, I told you, ice cool.
07:58You have got to be joking me.
08:00What?
08:01Oh, come on.
08:05Ha-ha!
08:21Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.
08:23There for our son and his girlfriend.
08:25Sorry.
08:27You're looking very pleased with yourself, Sharon.
08:30Pleased how Robert's bringing home a girlfriend and not a boyfriend?
08:33Shut up.
08:34It's a simple misunderstanding.
08:36Our Rob kept texting us about this girl he'd met during his time in South America,
08:40except he didn't say it was a girl.
08:42And he didn't say it was a boy.
08:44He just kept saying,
08:45I've met the most beautiful person in the world in Sid.
08:47Sid is amazing.
08:48Can't wait for you to meet Sid.
08:50Sid?
08:51Yeah.
08:52But he never seemed to say he or she.
08:54Sid?
08:55Yes.
08:56Anyway, yesterday, he sent a message saying,
08:58Sid says he can't wait to meet you.
09:01But when he was texting...
09:03Bloody Sid?
09:04Oh, if you say Sid one more time.
09:06Oh, forget it.
09:07How bloody stupid can you be?
09:09Sid's a fella's name.
09:11You want to talk, you christen me bloody Bella.
09:14Ah, but that were after Bela Lugosi.
09:16He were a legend.
09:17You'll be a bloody legend after I've finished with you.
09:19What's that mean?
09:20It's Sid, spelt C-Y-D.
09:23Like Sid Cherisse.
09:25Oh, that were a nice bit of crackling.
09:29HE CHUCKLES
09:30But you've got to admit,
09:32if you just say Sid,
09:33everybody's going to assume it's a big, hairy fella.
09:37Well, he's big, but he's not very hairy.
09:50Hiya.
09:52We were going to come here as soon as we arrived,
09:54but we were minging, so we had a shower first.
09:56This is Sid.
09:57Sid, this is my family.
10:00Hello.
10:01HE SCREAMS
10:07Now, come on, Jacqueline, don't go upsetting yourself.
10:10I can't believe I'm going through all this again.
10:14What do you mean, again?
10:16Well, with my Donald.
10:18I know we faked his death
10:20and we thought we had the insurance payout to look forward to,
10:24but it was still very much the same.
10:28Except Kenneth actually might be dead.
10:31We tried to talk him out of it,
10:33but he said he could hold his breath for up to two minutes at a time.
10:36Yeah, but not underwater.
10:39Oh.
10:40Have you phoned the police?
10:42He hasn't been missing for 24 hours yet.
10:45Jacqueline, what are you doing out here?
10:47I'm sorry?
10:48How am I supposed to run a dental practice without a receptionist?
10:51Well, that wasn't really the deal.
10:53I'm paying you top dollar in rent
10:55and you're sitting out here drinking brandy.
10:58I mean, are you working with me or against me?
11:00That's what I'd like to know.
11:02We think Kenneth might be dead.
11:04Really? I mean...
11:06Yes, that is, um, bad news.
11:09Very bad news.
11:10We tried to swim to Benidorm from Peacock Island.
11:13And you think that might have killed him?
11:15Interesting.
11:17Jacqueline, I really would appreciate a little help at some stage.
11:21Hmm?
11:26What's Dr Death doing in the cellar?
11:28Stanley.
11:30Do you know him?
11:31No.
11:32And with that bedside manner, I don't think I want to.
11:35He's a dentist who's renting our treatment room.
11:38Ah, so that's where you got your new gnashes from.
11:41Oh, I forgot these were stuck on top of my teeth.
11:44I'll ask him to take them off.
11:47Well, I'd hurry up before I was due. There's a queue.
11:56Please look after it. It was me father's.
11:59Well, then you'd better hurry up to the cash machine then, yes?
12:04Excuse me, Stanley.
12:06Jacqueline, at last.
12:09Right, now, um, I've got a new appointments book
12:12and I managed to get my old dental practice number diverted to my mobile.
12:17No, you don't understand. I've made a mistake.
12:21I hardly call knocking back large brandies
12:24when you're supposed to be here at work a mistake.
12:26But we have patients to see. We must move on.
12:29I want you out of Blow and Go.
12:34I beg your pardon?
12:36First of all, it was a mistake.
12:38I went in the treatment room to you
12:41and I certainly never said you could use the hair salon as a waiting room.
12:46I'm sorry, but where are my patients supposed to wait?
12:49If we don't have a waiting room?
12:51It wasn't my fault you didn't think this through, Jacqueline.
12:55There's no need to shout.
12:57Can't you see I'm trying to work?
13:00Now, um, Maria Valeth... Valeth...
13:05Valethqueth.
13:07Hmm.
13:09Please have a modicum of respect for a man
13:12who's simply trying to do an honest day's toil.
13:15Hmm.
13:20This way, please.
13:29Are you sure we can't get you a drink, Sid?
13:31We stopped for coffee before we arrived. Thank you, Mrs Dawson.
13:34Oh, call me Sharon.
13:35Sharon? It's a beautiful name.
13:38Oh, thanks. So is Sid.
13:42Have you ever been to Benidorm before, Sid?
13:48What are you talking like that for?
13:49Like what? Like she's deaf.
13:51I'm not talking like anything.
13:54Is this your first time?
13:57You're doing it again.
13:58I'm not doing out, I'm talking to her just like I'm talking to you.
14:01No, you're not.
14:03You're shouting and everything's at half speed
14:05and there's a bit of a funny accent going on and all.
14:07Well, she can't help that, she's from South America.
14:10Not her, you.
14:12So what are your plans, then?
14:14Well, I got a text from Joey and he's here with his mate Callum
14:17so I thought we'd say hello to them and then maybe go into town.
14:20No, I mean, are you going to marry her?
14:23Mother, don't talk about Sid like she's not here.
14:26You can't be asking her things like that.
14:28Have you been married before?
14:30Donna, she's 22.
14:32They married them off at 12 in Mexico.
14:34I've seen it on the telly.
14:36She's not from Mexico.
14:41Not from Mexico, eh?
14:42She's from Colombia.
14:43All the same, South America,
14:45it's all drugs and cheap sex changes.
14:48Eh, you thought she were a fella at first, didn't you?
14:52No, we didn't.
14:53Yes, you did.
14:55You said you didn't know if Sid were a boy or a girl.
14:58We didn't mean it like that, we just...
15:00Oh.
15:01I'll say one thing.
15:03If you were a fella at one point, Sid,
15:05they did a very nice job on body work.
15:08I beg your pardon.
15:10Come on, Sid, I think we'll have a walk into the old town.
15:12Whatever Sid now.
15:13If we're just paying him a compliment,
15:15her a compliment.
15:17Right.
15:18See you later.
15:20Don't worry about that.
15:21Just old-fashioned.
15:23What was all that about?
15:25Classic gold digger.
15:27Oh, here we go.
15:28We're just saying what everybody's thinking.
15:31No, no, you're not, Mother.
15:33You're saying what two old, thoughtless, mean-spirited,
15:36racist bigots are thinking.
15:38Right, while we're all being thoughtless,
15:41I'll go and get meself a drink.
15:43I'll...
15:44I said I'll get meself a drink.
15:49She's got a point, though.
15:51If that lasted a penny of us before she met our Rob,
15:55who paid for the sex change?
16:02Monty.
16:06Monty.
16:09Monty!
16:12HE SIGHS
16:14I asked...
16:17HE SNORES
16:18Oh, thank God, I'm out!
16:20KNOCK AT DOOR
16:21Room service.
16:22Oh, people, stop letting themselves into this room!
16:25Here you go.
16:26I've got to keep you and Julieweds topped up
16:28before Monty shows us up and changes his mind.
16:31I beg your pardon?
16:32HE CHUCKLES
16:33I'm only messing with you.
16:35Anything else I can get you, Mrs T?
16:37Leslie, I'm coming down with you.
16:39Oh, no, you're not, come on.
16:41You look exhausted, let's get you back into bed.
16:43Is there a point to me getting into bed
16:45when Monty's snoring like a bull elephant?
16:48What about the complimentary earplugs?
16:50I've got them in!
16:51No, not your ears!
16:54HE SNORES
16:55Oh!
17:06There you go.
17:09Leslie, you're a genius!
17:11Oh, any news on Kenneth?
17:13We checked with the course guard
17:15and it's quite possible he was picked up by a sealer.
17:18No surprise there, then.
17:20Anything else you need, just give us a shout.
17:22OK.
17:23Oh!
17:25Oh!
17:28Oh!
17:33HE SNORES
17:39HE SNORES
17:42Joyce!
17:44Joyce!
17:45Are you there?
17:47I can't...
17:48Hmm?
17:49I can't breathe!
17:50HE SNORES
17:53Joyce!
17:59Hiya. Are you all right?
18:00Oh, I am, love.
18:02Any news about Kenneth?
18:04No, nothing.
18:05I rang the police again.
18:07They just said missing 24 hours is barely a night out in Benidorm.
18:11Oh, I've heard it all before.
18:13A few years ago, when my husband was drowned at sea.
18:17Oh, my God, I didn't know that.
18:20Did they manage to find his body?
18:22Oh, yeah.
18:24And I met him for holiday in Morocco after that.
18:29Still no answer from Liam?
18:31No. He's in the UK at a wedding.
18:34I mean, I date to worry him,
18:35and then Kenneth suddenly waltzes through them doors.
18:38Oh! I've got an idea!
18:40What?
18:41Oh, I can't believe I didn't think of it before!
18:43What?
18:44It's ringing!
18:45Oh, you're not ringing Kenneth's phone, are you?
18:47Wait, he's not going to answer...
18:48Kenneth!
18:49Oh, my goodness!
18:52It's Jacqueline!
18:54Oh, I can't believe we've found you.
18:58Where are you? We're all worried sick.
19:02Oh, Kenneth!
19:04I can't understand a word.
19:06You're talking gibberish.
19:09Are you in the hospital?
19:11Have you got concussion?
19:15You are not listening to me, you stupid person.
19:19Kenneth, don't worry.
19:21Just ask somebody where you are and we'll come and get you.
19:26Is there anybody nearby you can ask?
19:29Oh, no!
19:32We got cut off.
19:34He must have had a bang on the head
19:36because he's speaking in a funny accent.
19:40You were calling Kenneth?
19:42Oh, yes, love, but we got cut off.
19:45Mm-hm.
19:46Yeah, I was trying to tell you.
19:48They kept hold of Kenneth's bum bag when he jumped in to see.
19:52Well, look, no news is good news.
19:56I bet you any money,
19:58Kenneth won't come skipping through those doors
20:01after having the best night of his life.
20:05After trying to swim from Peacock Island to Benidorm?
20:08Fatty chance.
20:10I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love,
20:13I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
20:17Oh, I have just had the best night of my entire life.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:25Oh!
20:42You all right?
20:44Yeah. How are you?
20:46Me? Couldn't be better.
20:49Have you heard from Rob?
20:50Yeah, he texted me when I was unpacking.
20:52They're around somewhere.
20:53Ah, well, no rush.
20:55He's all loved up, so we don't want him cramping our style.
20:58Yeah.
21:00You don't really know Rob that well, do you, anyway?
21:03Of course I know him.
21:04I had great crack with him at Dykes
21:06for the couple of weeks that he worked there.
21:09So, what's the plan for tonight?
21:11I thought maybe just take it easy, you know, first night.
21:15All depends if Sam finishes early.
21:18Now, let's get one thing straight.
21:20You know why I'm on this holiday?
21:22Because Tiger couldn't come, so you got a free holiday.
21:25What do you mean, free?
21:27I paid the transfer fee
21:28and I offered to give Tiger the money for the holiday.
21:30Forget it.
21:31No, I won't forget it, Joey.
21:33I offered to pay for this holiday.
21:35OK.
21:36There's some holiday it's going to be
21:38with Rob and his new girlfriend
21:39and you sniffing round that rep every night.
21:41She's not just a rep, she's your girlfriend.
21:43No, she's not my girlfriend.
21:46It's complicated.
21:48Brilliant.
21:49I didn't think it was.
21:50I haven't seen her for a year,
21:52but when I saw her today, I was like...
21:54Whatever.
21:55Oh, Callum, don't be like that.
21:57Thanks for making this the worst holiday I've ever had
21:59before it's even started.
22:00Where are you going?
22:01Off to make some friends.
22:03Looks like I'm going to need them.
22:05Callum!
22:06Callum!
22:08Urgh!
22:20I'm sorry about my parents.
22:22Why are you sorry?
22:24Well, not about my parents, my grandparents, really.
22:27Robbie, grandparents should be cherished.
22:29One day they will no longer be here.
22:31I know.
22:33So much to look forward to.
22:35Robbie!
22:36I meant me and you.
22:38I know what you meant.
22:39I'm starting to appreciate your sense of humour.
22:42Finally.
22:43PHONE RINGS
22:45My father.
22:47My father.
23:06Short and sweet.
23:08He is short, but sometimes he is not so sweet.
23:11I didn't mean you, Dad. I meant the phone call.
23:14I love you, Robbie.
23:16Yeah.
23:18Sid, why did you wave the flower seller away?
23:21I do not need a rose from you to know that you love me.
23:24I was hoping you might buy me one.
23:26Robbie, you're so funny.
23:33Robbie!
23:44So, by this time, I'd been swimming for about half an hour
23:47and me arms were unbelievably heavy.
23:49They look unbelievably heavy.
23:51Shut up.
23:52And then there was another massive wave,
23:54so, of course, I copped a huge gob full of the Mediterranean.
23:57Just how much of the Mediterranean did you swallow?
24:00Do you mind? Let the lad finish!
24:02So, then all of a sudden, and without warning,
24:05me whole body gives up.
24:06It looks like you gave up years ago.
24:08Right, that's it, forget it.
24:10Oh, come on, man, you're spoiling it for everyone.
24:12Yeah, go away if you don't want to listen.
24:14I will go.
24:15Even serving drunken British people
24:17is better than listening to this stupid story.
24:20Right, go on, Kenneth, we're listening.
24:23So, me whole body is completely submerged underwater
24:27and all of a sudden, everything goes really peaceful.
24:30You know, kind of like slow motion,
24:32as me whole life starts to flash before me.
24:34Ooh, that sounds terrible.
24:36Oh, no, it was fabulous.
24:38Honestly, exactly in the life I've led,
24:40I should have Ron Howard hammering at me door.
24:42So, what happened then?
24:44So, suddenly, I feel me whole body rising.
24:47Now it's the good bit.
24:49Slowly and gently out of the water.
24:51Of course, I'm still half unconscious at this point,
24:53but I can feel meself being drawn above the waves
24:56by some greater power.
24:58And then...
25:01What was onto your teeth?
25:03Oh, erm, I wanted to see what they'd look like, lightened a bit.
25:08You're blinding me every time you open your gob.
25:11Carry on with this story.
25:13So, I open me eyes
25:15and I'm lying on the deck of this small fishing boat
25:18with a six-foot-ten sailor giving me the kiss of life.
25:21Ooh, what happened to Barry?
25:23Who's Barry?
25:24You said Barry Howard was bashing at your back door.
25:27Ron Howard!
25:28Wasn't Barry Howard the ballroom dancer out of Hidey Hut?
25:32Hang on a minute, if that were last night,
25:34where have you been until now?
25:36Vladimir's apartment in the Old Town.
25:38Who's Vladimir?
25:40The sailor.
25:41Oh, does he know about Ron?
25:43Oh, Jacqueline, for goodness' sake!
25:46So that's why we had to spend the night stranded on Peacock Island?
25:50I nearly died for you last night.
25:52But you didn't, did you?
25:53You spent the night shacked up in the Old Town with Vlad the Impaler.
25:57Now, look, you.
25:58What two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own house
26:01has absolutely nothing to...
26:03The bloody hell's going on in there?
26:05Oh, now, Kenneth, I don't want you to be angry.
26:09Angry about what?
26:10Jacqueline, for goodness' sake!
26:11What am I supposed to do to get some help round here?
26:19No, love, I'm not checking up on you.
26:21I was just... I was just seeing if you're both all right.
26:24I'll see you in a minute.
26:26All right, then. Bye.
26:28Right, they're back.
26:30I don't want a peep out of either of you.
26:32You can't treat us like children.
26:34I can if you're acting like them.
26:36I don't need to talk to keep my eye on that one.
26:39Mother, I'm warning you, but the claws are in deep.
26:42I can tell.
26:43Watch her come back here with bags of shopping
26:45and it won't be on her credit card, I'll tell you that.
26:48Right, go.
26:49Go where?
26:50Anywhere. Go and sit at the bar.
26:52I'll go and sit at the bar.
26:53And you, stay here.
26:55Sharon, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?
26:58Right, they're here now.
27:00Everyone just stay here and remember,
27:03if you haven't got anything nice to say,
27:05don't say anything at all.
27:07That's a nice expensive bunch of flowers.
27:10What did I just say?
27:12That was something nice.
27:13We all know what you meant.
27:15So let me get this right,
27:17we're also not allowed to say things that are nice
27:20in case you think we're saying something nasty.
27:23Shut up.
27:24They're here now, just keep your mouth shut.
27:27Oh, that is a lovely bunch of flowers.
27:30Robbie bought them for me.
27:32Aren't they beautiful?
27:33They are.
27:35Aren't they, Billy?
27:36They are.
27:37They're lovely.
27:38I want you all to have one.
27:40Aw.
27:49Ah, beautiful.
27:51Beautiful.
27:53Ah, beautiful.
27:55Beautiful.
27:56Right, well, we bought a few bits while we were out,
27:59so we'll put them upstairs.
28:01Robbie bought me this beautiful bracelet.
28:04Ah-ha, ah-ha.
28:06It's lovely.
28:13Right, we'll probably have a siesta,
28:15so see you in Neptune's.
28:18All right, love.
28:24Are we allowed to speak now?
28:29I'm sorry.
28:30I'm not willing to discuss this in my surgery.
28:33This is not your surgery.
28:35This is my salon.
28:36I knew something like this would happen while I was away.
28:39We do not have a licence for dental surgery.
28:42Did Picasso have a licence?
28:44Did Rembrandt have a licence?
28:46No, because they weren't dentists.
28:48Would you please just shut up?
28:50Did Picasso have a licence?
28:52No, because they weren't dentists.
28:54Would you please remove yourselves from my reception?
28:59Who is responsible for this?
29:01Don't you look at me.
29:02I've been recovering in the old town.
29:04Jacqueline?
29:06Oh, I'm sorry, Kenneth.
29:08He said he was a friend of yours,
29:10and you'd be happy to help him out.
29:12A friend?
29:13He's a bloody con man and a lunatic.
29:16Right, I'm calling the police.
29:17Hang on.
29:19Just let me talk to him.
29:20I'm sure we can sort this out in a calm and sensible fashion.
29:24We are all responsible adults, after all.
29:30How was your wedding?
29:31It was an unmitigated disaster.
29:33Oh?
29:34He didn't say no, did he?
29:36Oh, do you mean he said yes?
29:39SCREAMING
29:44What do you think he's doing?
29:45He's gone mad.
29:46Somebody get a hold of him!
29:48Do what?
29:51Say it again!
29:55Call some...
29:58Call the police!
30:01I've lost everything, Kenneth. Everything.
30:03It all started the day you walked into my surgery.
30:07But I've given you a chance to help me back on my feet.
30:09But you've proved yourself to be totally ineffective.
30:14One might say completely toothless.
30:37Get out of my hotel!
30:40Now!
30:43SCREAMING
31:14Oh, Catelyn. I've been ringing you.
31:17Yeah, I know. I was just having a look around, you know, getting my bearings.
31:21Mate, I'm sorry.
31:23No, I'm sorry.
31:25Drink?
31:26Yeah, I'll have a cup.
31:28No worries.
31:33She's a great singer.
31:34Yeah.
31:44Now, apparently they're not moving the deranged dentist's equipment out until tomorrow.
31:49So I need us all to be on our guard.
31:51He may come back.
31:53What did he do that is so bad?
31:55He took a drill to Kenneth's teeth.
31:57And this is a bad thing?
31:59I think his appointment was, how do you say, over the dew?
32:02A bottle of lager and a coke, please.
32:04Oh, shit. I mean, what would have happened if I'd not been there?
32:07We have a saying in Spain.
32:09Happy is the pig who does not know he has shot himself.
32:12I beg your pardon?
32:14This is not a saying in the UK?
32:16The bottom line is, from now on, unless I can get staff who can be trusted,
32:21I'm going to be here 24-7.
32:24Miss Templin-Savage, we are always doing our best.
32:27Therein lies the problem.
32:29I thought I'd find you here.
32:31I booked us a table at Don Pablo's in Altea.
32:34I'm sorry, Monty. I'm not going anywhere.
32:36Joyce, this is supposed to be our honeymoon.
32:38And thanks to you, we didn't get one.
32:40Oh, God. I'm not going to go through all that again, am I?
32:43Excuse me. Would you like a drink while you are arguing?
32:46Two gin and tonics.
32:48Anything for you, Monty.
32:54Hey, Rob! How are you?
32:57Callum, how are you, mate? Joyce said you'd taken Tiger's place.
33:00How's he doing? He'll live.
33:02I thought, as a friend, the least I could do is drink his all-inclusive beer.
33:05I'm Callum.
33:07Sorry, mate, this is Sid. Hello, Callum.
33:09Sid. Great name.
33:12I'll tell you what, I'm taking you two out to dinner in Benidorm tonight to catch up.
33:16Oh, no. No, we couldn't let you do that.
33:19I'm serious. I need to give Joey and Sam some space.
33:24Right, well, we'll have a drink with the family and then decide where to go, yeah?
33:28Cool. See you later.
33:30See you later.
33:36Una cerveza y una Coca-Cola, por favor.
33:39Who taught you to speak Spanish?
33:41She did.
33:44So that's one local beer and one fizzy water, yeah?
33:48One fizzy beer and one local water, OK.
33:52Tonight would be great. Yes, yes, sit down. I'll bring.
33:56Moron.
34:00Madre mía.
34:02Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no.
34:06Right, the beer. Yes.
34:08And we're all going to be on our best behaviour.
34:10It's not you I'm worried about.
34:14Well, don't you two look a glamorous couple.
34:17Thank you. Thank you very much.
34:20Very handsome pair.
34:23You all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:25Lovely pair. Er, couple.
34:27They look amazing, both of them, Rob and...
34:30Sid. Sid, Sid, Sid.
34:35Muchas gracias. Thank you very much.
34:51Joyce, please, I know we had a lousy wedding
34:54and I know we're not having a normal honeymoon
34:56and I know it's all my fault,
34:58but that's why I'm trying to make it up to you.
35:00Monty, I am not leaving this hotel.
35:02If any of this nonsense today gets back to Crystal,
35:06I shall be out of a job and we'll have nowhere to live.
35:10OK, we don't leave the hotel,
35:12but please let us have dinner in the room.
35:14I just feel we haven't spent any time alone together
35:17since we both said I do.
35:19Well, I suppose dinner in the room won't be so bad,
35:22but I'd have to come straight down if you needed me.
35:25Plus, there's something else we haven't done.
35:28You mean ask for a refund?
35:31What, on the wedding? No, on the honeymoon!
35:34No, no, I meant we haven't consummated the marriage.
35:40Monty, are you looking for a get-out clause?
35:43A bit ridiculous, quite the reverse.
35:47More of a get-in clause.
35:50Monty, are you sure you're prepared?
35:54You usually need a lot more notice than this.
35:57We won't know till we try, will we?
36:00I tell you what, why don't we skip dinner in the room
36:04and take up a couple of puddings?
36:06What do you intend on doing with them?
36:08It's an arctic roll tonight.
36:10I meant just to have something for after.
36:12But if we're at it for a while,
36:14we'll just end up with two spongy hooves.
36:17I beg your pardon?
36:19When the ice cream melts.
36:21Oh, for goodness sake, just go up to the room.
36:23I'll follow on in a few minutes.
36:27Oh, I think there's profiteroles on as well.
36:30Just go!
36:34Them teeth look ridiculous.
36:36Oh, I know they do.
36:38I'll get them removed somewhere tomorrow.
36:40A little bit slightly less traumatic
36:42than when mine were nearly removed today.
36:44Oh, Kenneth.
36:46I can't help but feel partly responsible.
36:49Partly responsible?
36:51It was you that brought the demon dentist in in the first place.
36:54It was him that tried to rip me off last year
36:56from my Uncle Herbert's gold teeth.
36:58Oh, well, I didn't know that.
37:00Right.
37:02I'm off into the old town to meet Vladimir.
37:04He texted me over an hour ago to say he'd put a sausage plait
37:07in the oven for me. It's going to be as dry as a bone.
37:09Who's Vladimir?
37:11My new boyfriend. The one who saved my life.
37:13As opposed to you, who nearly ended it.
37:15I'm not being peevish, Jacqueline,
37:17but I don't see how I cannot tell Troy about this.
37:20Well, there's a problem with that, Kenneth.
37:23What do you mean?
37:25Well, I came into some money a few months ago.
37:28Quite a lot of money.
37:30Oh, aye?
37:32I found an old bankbook of Donald's in a drawer.
37:34Well, I often wondered how a man who would walk three miles
37:38to save five pence off a packet of biscuits
37:41never saved any money.
37:43Well, he did.
37:45I'm thrilled for you. Spend it wisely.
37:47I did. I bought the salon.
37:50What?!
37:52I bought the salon from Troy.
37:54I was waiting until Liam came back tomorrow before I told you.
37:59I'm your new boss, Kenneth.
38:13What do you mean you're going out for your dinner?
38:15We haven't seen you for two months.
38:17We're going out with Callum. Who's Callum?
38:19It's all inclusive here.
38:21And plenty of chips.
38:23Billy?
38:25Billy?
38:26What?
38:28Oh, um, breasts, please.
38:30I mean, chicken. Chicken breasts.
38:32One. That's probably one, isn't it?
38:34Anything. I'll have anything.
38:36I'll have the burger.
38:38No bun, no cheese, no salad, no chips.
38:41Actually, I don't want the burger either.
38:44Have you quite done showing me up?
38:46What are you talking about?
38:48Slathering over that poor young lass.
38:50What? Don't be ridiculous.
38:52Don't even know you're doing it.
38:54We can eat here.
38:55We've made other arrangements.
38:57It's fine, love. We've got all week.
39:00It'll give your father's eyes a rest.
39:02Hmm?
39:04Nothing.
39:05And next up on the karaoke is Billy.
39:08Oh, no, go on to the next one.
39:10Is Billy here?
39:11He's here.
39:12No, no, he's not here.
39:14Oh, come on. I do it with you. I love karaoke.
39:16Oh, no, no. Oh, no, absolutely not.
39:18Come on.
39:25Oh, no, no, no, not this one. I've changed my mind.
39:27I'll sing a different one. Not this one.
39:31Can't take my eyes off of you
39:35You'd feel like heaven to touch
39:39I want to hold you so much
39:43At long last love has died
39:45She's keen.
39:46Oh, she's up for anything, Sid.
39:48I bet.
39:51You're just too good to be true
39:55Can't take my eyes off of you
39:59Pardon the way that I stare
40:03There's nothing else to compare
40:07The sight of you leaves me weak
40:11There are no words left to speak
40:15And if you feel like I feel
40:19Please let me know that it's real
40:23You're just too good to be true
40:27Can't take my eyes off of you
40:37Can't take my eyes off of you
40:45She is something else.
40:47So is he. He can barely breathe.
40:52You were right, you know.
40:54About what?
40:55Me hanging with Sam. It's not fair.
40:58We're on holiday together, my bad.
41:00No, no, mate. I overreacted.
41:02No, no.
41:03Yes, seriously. And there's a reason.
41:08There's a reason.
41:10I've never had...
41:11Callum, you don't have to explain anything.
41:16This is the first holiday I've ever had.
41:18What?
41:19Yeah. I'm 26 and this is the first holiday I've ever had.
41:22Not my first holiday abroad. My first holiday.
41:26I live with my mum and she can't work and well...
41:29We never had any money as a family, even before my dad died and...
41:33I don't know, I guess that's why I didn't argue with Tiger
41:35when he said he didn't want the money for the holiday.
41:37I didn't have the money.
41:38And I'm embarrassed and...
41:41Sorry.
41:42So that's why you were staring at everything when you got here?
41:45Couldn't take it all in.
41:47I thought you were staring at the pool.
41:49I thought you were going to say, I can't swim.
41:52But this is your first holiday ever.
41:55Straight up.
41:56Right.
41:57You'd better hit the town.
41:59No, I can't, mate. I've got plans.
42:01Don't be like that.
42:02I'm not being funny. I'm going out for dinner with Rob and Sid.
42:05We'll all go out.
42:06No.
42:07Joey, I can see you like Sam.
42:09You've not seen her for a year. You've got stuff to sort out.
42:13We've got a week to go out.
42:15Seriously.
42:16But this is your first night of your first ever holiday.
42:19And I'm going to be spending it hanging out with mates. It's cool.
42:23And my other mate is going to be seeing his girl for the first night in a year.
42:29Right, what are you two up to?
42:31We're out on the town.
42:32I'm afraid I've got a prior engagement.
42:34So you guys are on your own.
42:37I'm off to the bar.
42:39See you in the morning.
42:42Is he alright?
42:43Yeah, he's good.
42:44It's a long story.
42:45Come on.
42:55Right, now, Mateo, everything seems fine here.
42:58Any problems, call me.
43:00Sure thing, Miss Temple Savage.
43:02Two profiteroles.
43:04What's that?
43:05Oh, chocolate sauce.
43:07Profiteroles are rich enough without chocolate sauce.
43:11Oh, no, actually, I'll take it.
43:14You never know.
43:15Monty might fancy a bit.
43:18Don't think Monty's the only one.
43:27I'm not an arse.
43:31No, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, that's enough.
43:35Sid! Oh, my God.
43:37Sid!
43:39You OK?
43:40I'm OK. I'm OK, really.
43:41What the bloody hell did you think you were doing?
43:43You're not OK, we're going to the hospital.
43:45You've crippled her, she'll never walk again.
43:47Really, I'm fine.
43:48I'm taking you to the hospital, just for a check-up.
43:50I'll come with you.
43:51No!
43:52Come on, we'll text you in a bit.
43:55Is everything OK?
43:56Yeah, it should be fine.
43:58I have no idea what just happened.
44:00Typical.
44:01One time, he takes his eyes off her,
44:03he drags her off the bloody stage.
44:05She jumped off the stage, everybody saw that.
44:09Now, just you wait for the claim to come in.
44:12Oh, she's good, that one, she's good.
44:16It were an accident.
44:20Is everything OK?
44:21Yeah, everything's fine, but, um, listen,
44:23I think it's nearly bath for us, mate, sorry.
44:25We could do dinner another night, yeah?
44:27Yeah, sure.
44:28Of course, no worries.
44:34Do you want your table back?
44:35No, it's fine.
44:36And your friend, he has gone?
44:38Yeah.
44:39I think I'm going to sit in my balcony.
44:41I've got a great sea view.
44:43Not much of a holiday.
44:45It's the best one I've ever had.
44:47MUSIC PLAYS
44:56Monty!
44:58I've got a surprise for you.
45:03Monty!
45:08Monty!
45:12What's the bloody point?
45:18SNORES
45:24What happened after Love Island?
45:26Find out what was next for the whirlwind relationship
45:29on ITVB in You.
45:31Chris and Olivia cracking on.
45:33And the boys are back Saturday at seven
45:35with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and James Corden
45:37in brand-new Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway.
45:47MUSIC FADES