IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 10 Hail To The Chef
IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 10 Hail To The Chef
Transcript
00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me Life's not a charity bar
00:11It isn't all a great big bed of roses It's not like showbiz, but the main thing
00:20We're not supposed to be outnumbered, believe me We know we're doing our part
00:29Okay, we may be less than wealthy But not that we're young and healthy
00:38And anyone who's young and healthy knows that that's a waste
00:46The traffic flows, it's unbearable
01:16You know, someone's got this scale set five pounds lighter.
01:30Thank you, Amy.
01:33Good work, Dot. This is the earliest late you've been all week.
01:37I'm just lucky to be here at all.
01:39They really should block streets off if they're planning to demolish an eight-story building.
01:42Oh, this is gonna be a good one.
01:44Dot, is your excuse that an eight-story building fell on you?
01:48No, but it would have if I hadn't made a very sharp turn.
01:52Unfortunately, I turned onto a freeway ramp and somehow ended up in Santa Monica on the beach at high tide.
01:58And it took the tow truck forever to get there, right?
02:01Right. And the car still smells of seaweed.
02:04Nice touch.
02:06Ladies, gather round. I have the most incredible news.
02:10Even more incredible than the lame excuse Dot has for being late, which I have no intention of listening to.
02:15I want to get Howard if this concerns him, too.
02:17Howard!
02:18That is not fair.
02:20If I go to all the trouble to make up elaborate stories, the least she can do is listen to them.
02:24Ladies, gather round. I have the most incredible news.
02:27Even more incredible than the lame excuse Dot has for being late.
02:31Jen, I'm in such a good mood that I'm going to forgive you.
02:34However, Carnival in Rio couldn't make me feel good enough to forgive you.
02:39Hurry up. My gravy's congealing.
02:41So is mine. Attention, everyone.
02:43I am thrilled to announce that the President of the United States will be dining here tomorrow evening.
02:49Okay.
02:51Are you serious? The President of the United States is coming here?
02:55Wow, what an honor.
02:56Yes. Out of all the restaurants in Los Angeles, they've chosen us.
03:00Yeah? Why?
03:02Their first choice had a grease fire last night.
03:04Anyway, they're transferring the fundraising dinner over here.
03:07Sounds like an exciting experience, guys.
03:09The kind you remember for a lifetime. The kind you tell your grandkids about.
03:12I won't be here.
03:14Why not?
03:15It's my night off.
03:16Cassie, I'm sure Nancy would let you work tomorrow night.
03:19Don't be silly, Jen. Nancy will force her to work tomorrow night.
03:21I don't want to work tomorrow night. I got a day, okay?
03:24You don't want to meet the President of the United States?
03:26But he's the leader of the free world, the commander-in-chief of the armed forces.
03:31Yeah, but he's married.
03:33Oh, Nancy, I can't believe it.
03:35This is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.
03:37I know. Me too.
03:39There's just one dreadful problem.
03:41What is it?
03:42I'm beginning to behave like you.
03:46Imagine it.
03:47Sonny Man performing for someone even more important than Sonny Man.
03:54We're talking about the most powerful man in the country in the world.
03:57And I, for one, am in awe.
03:59So am I. I had no idea that you knew who the President was.
04:02Who cares about him? I'm talking about Frank Sinatra.
04:05The man is the king.
04:07I figure if the President's going to show up, Sinatra will be with him.
04:09It's comforting to know you're so shallow, Sonny.
04:11It'd be scary to think of you out there exercising your right to vote.
04:14Hey, I vote.
04:16And I still haven't won a Grammy.
04:19Mr. President, I just love the way you run the country.
04:23Oh, gosh, I hope I don't spill a bowl of chili down the President's back.
04:26Oh, calm down, kid.
04:27You're just getting carried away because you never saw any celebrities back in Sneedville.
04:31That's Snyder.
04:33And that's not true.
04:34Once, the famous evangelist Jimmy Swaggard came into my diner.
04:37And he almost took the Lord's name in vain when I spilled the chili down his neck.
04:40Luckily, he healed himself.
04:43I just met the First Lady, and you know, you sure know how to pick him.
04:47What are you doing?
04:48I'm just rehearsing a little small talk to spring on the President.
04:51It'd be great stuff, me chatting with him on the 6 o'clock news.
04:54President confers with Higgins. Gorbachev feels left out.
04:58Yeah, well, I'd like to talk to him about how hard it is for working women these days.
05:02Good point.
05:03I know my life's a lot worse because of the President.
05:05I mean, I'm blowing a date with a doctor here.
05:08Oh, good. You're all loafing around.
05:10I can use this opportunity to tell you how important this dinner is to my career.
05:14After the First Lady sees me work, I'm sure she'll want me as her social secretary.
05:18So, if there are any screw-ups, you're lent, Phil.
05:21Don't worry about a thing, Nancy.
05:23I've got the entrance music all worked out for the big cheese.
05:28Sonny, never play music like that for a man who has access to nuclear weapons.
05:33Furthermore, you must always address the President as Mr. President.
05:37For example, would you care for more soup, Mr. President?
05:40Or would you like some cracked pepper, Mr. President?
05:43Or would you excuse my stupidity, Mr. President?
05:46Or would you cut the defense budget, Mr. President?
05:50Jan, it's impolite to talk about important things with the President of the United States.
05:55Just don't say anything to him, any of you.
05:57I don't want one of my waitresses wrestled to the floor by some secret service agent.
06:01Don't worry. We'd never horn in on your action.
06:04Cassie, you know your impertinence can be very trying at times.
06:07Is this one of them?
06:09Luckily, you're my best waitress. I'm not going to fire you.
06:12However, I wouldn't jump off a building if you were to quit.
06:15I can't quit. I need the job.
06:17But if you were to change your mind about jumping off the building, maybe we could work something out.
06:22Just be sure to report early tomorrow.
06:24The secret service will be here to run an extensive security check.
06:27Before you're allowed to serve the President, they want to see what they can dredge up from your dreary little pass.
06:32That's silly. We don't have anything to hide.
06:52Hi, Dot.
06:53Jan, do me a favor, okay?
06:55Quiz me on current events. Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll study the paper from cover to cover.
06:59Dot, the President doesn't care whether or not you know who the head of the Sandinistas is
07:03or to what level the dollar has been devalued on the European markets.
07:07I thought I knew this stuff. I really did.
07:10Why are you doing this?
07:11Well, it may not seem like a big deal to you,
07:14but tonight, Dot Higgins and the President of the United States will be in the same room.
07:18Our paths will cross, and for one brief moment, I will be a part of history.
07:22And I want to be able to say something more intelligent than,
07:25nice hair color, Mr. President.
07:30Hi, Amy.
07:31Yeah, hi.
07:32What's the matter?
07:33Oh, nothing. The secret service is just going to put me in jail, that's all.
07:36You're in trouble? What happened?
07:38Well, when I first came to L.A., I was walking down Venice Beach, and this man came up to me.
07:43He asked me if I wanted to buy a watch.
07:46Oh, it was beautiful. It was genuine gold, had 21 jewels,
07:50told the time in London, England.
07:52I couldn't resist. I bought it.
07:54It was probably a hot watch.
07:56I know that, but the temptation was just too strong.
08:00I thought I'd been punished enough when the watch didn't work and my wrist turned green.
08:04Don't be silly, Amy. How are they ever going to find out?
08:08Sooner or later, the man's bound to be arrested,
08:10and when he is, he's liable to squeal on me to get a lighter sentence.
08:14The secret service is not going to be worried about you.
08:17Not when they've got me here.
08:19You're in trouble, too?
08:21Boy, you're thinking of the people you work with.
08:24It was back when I was in college, during the 60s.
08:27I was at an anti-war rally, and I got arrested.
08:31But look, it was an important cause.
08:33We believed in what we were doing, and we felt we needed to make a political statement.
08:37So, what'd you get arrested for?
08:39Well, I...mooned a cop.
08:42You what?
08:43I mooned a cop.
08:45I mooned a cop.
08:47Okay?
08:48Look, I was making an important political statement.
08:51Even Nathan Hale didn't drop his pants.
08:54Okay, okay, but this story is not to leave this room. I mean it. This is very embarrassing.
08:58What, the mooning story?
09:01Well, we've got to try to find a way to keep our secrets from these government agents.
09:05Cassie, I mean, we've all got our dirty laundry to hide,
09:08but yours have those tough, hard-to-get-out stains.
09:11How are you planning on hiding it all?
09:13I'm not going to hide anything from anybody. I don't even want to be here.
09:16So, what are you going to tell them?
09:17The only thing that'll get me out of work, the truth.
09:20She's going to talk dirty to the government.
09:29I see you come from Snyder, Texas.
09:31Yes, sir, and I've always been a good girl.
09:33I was a member of the Girl Scouts, I went to church every Sunday, made my bed every day,
09:37a lot of things that should get me time off for good behavior.
09:40Have you made many friends out here?
09:42Well, yeah, there's Jan and Cassie and Dot, and I guess Sonny would qualify.
09:47Is this Sonny a man?
09:49I guess he would qualify.
09:51How close are you to Sonny? Are the two of you intimate?
09:55What? I could never do that with Sonny.
09:59I could never do that with anybody. I mean, I could, but I haven't.
10:02Not that I would, I mean, I had this boyfriend back in Texas, but we didn't.
10:06Because you shouldn't.
10:07Forget it. I'm sorry I asked.
10:09That's what my boyfriend used to say.
10:11Can I go now?
10:13I was born right here in L.A., grew up here, got married here twice, got divorced in Las Vegas once.
10:20Yes, we know about all that.
10:22You do? You went back that far?
10:25We even spoke to your ex-husband.
10:27Where'd you get off prying into my personal life? That's an invasion of my privacy.
10:32You saw Lloyd? Was he miserable?
10:36You know, it's always been my lifelong ambition to wait on the president.
10:40To serve in some small or huge way this great country of ours.
10:45I've always thought that if each and every one of us joined together in a common bond,
10:50united with liberty and justice for all, we could build a city on a hill.
10:55That's a very nice sentiment, Miss Higgins.
10:58Tell me, do you belong to any organizations?
11:02Oh, my, yes.
11:04The Daughters of the American Revolution, the Junior Chamber of Commerce,
11:09the Silent Majority, and the National Rifle Association.
11:16Well, there doesn't seem to be anything unusual about your background.
11:19You were born in Kansas?
11:20Yeah, but I worked in a diner there.
11:22So?
11:23So all the local farmers flirted with me.
11:25So?
11:26So I know where all the missile silos are in the entire state.
11:29Well, that's okay. So do the Russians.
11:31Do they know which senator has a rose tattoo and where?
11:37So you grew up in Reno, Nevada?
11:39Yeah, Reno. What a cheap, tacky city.
11:41My whole childhood, I couldn't wait to get out of there and move to Vegas.
11:45Why? Was there some problem?
11:47No, no problem, really.
11:49It's just that everybody hated me.
11:51I was a musical prodigy, a child genius. They were all jealous.
11:54Well, your first grade teacher stated that you were backward, immature, and untalented.
11:58See what I mean?
12:00Oh, yes. Philadelphia can be a grand city for those in the privileged classes.
12:04Oh, how I miss those gala parties on the main line.
12:08Our files say you grew up in South Philly.
12:10I said I missed them. I didn't say I went to them.
12:13Oh, but who cares? The president's party will be even more smashing.
12:17Which reminds me, do you happen to know the first lady?
12:21I rode on a rear bumper once.
12:23Oh, no, no. You mustn't kiss and tell.
12:27Well, then, Mr. Miller, would you tell me something about where you're from?
12:31Trenton.
12:32Yes, I know that. Could you elaborate on that a little?
12:36New Jersey.
12:40I didn't throw the watch away because I was afraid my garbage man might turn me in.
12:44So I mailed it to the police headquarters with a full confession.
12:47It was returned to me insufficient postage, so I figure they put an electronic bug under the stamp.
12:53They can do that?
12:54Miss Tompkins, if this watch thing is all you've got to hide, you should be checking us out.
13:00North L.A. Law School.
13:02It's really important for me to be a lawyer.
13:05I want to contribute something moral and decent to society.
13:08Moral? Decent?
13:11Is that what you had in mind when we took this picture of you at an anti-war rally?
13:16This is you, isn't it?
13:18Well, it's a certain side of me.
13:21Look, that's a confidential file, isn't it? I mean, you wouldn't put that up on a bulletin board.
13:25Are you kidding? This would never make the bulletin board.
13:30Thanks a lot.
13:33Most of my close friends are young Republicans.
13:35Not that I don't like older Republicans. And Democrats, too. All Americans.
13:39Whites and Anglos and Saxons and Protestants.
13:42Not that I've actually dated all these people, you understand.
13:46Look, you don't want me to serve the president.
13:49Look, you don't want me to serve the president.
13:52Did I tell you that I once dated the deputy consul of Bulgaria?
13:56Yes, we know. He later defected.
13:59We have the thanks of a grateful government.
14:02Look, if you really mean that, do me a favor and get me out of here tonight. I got a date.
14:07A date?
14:08According to our information, you've recently begun spending your night off at the Willow Glen Rest Home.
14:14Well, those old guys can be pretty spry.
14:16Really? And you don't read to the senior citizens every week?
14:20Boy, you guys don't miss a trick, do you?
14:22I'll tell you what. The president's gonna be out of here early.
14:25I'll get one of the limos and a police escort. We'll be at Willow Glen before ten.
14:30Thanks.
14:32Hey, listen. Don't tell anybody else what I've been doing, okay?
14:36I got a reputation, you know?
14:38Yeah. We know.
14:41You're asking me, Sonny, man, if I've squirted with any chicks lately?
14:45You're asking me, Sonny, the man, man?
14:49What do you consider lately?
14:52So I thought perhaps the next time you see the first lady, you might just lean over the bumper and enter my resume.
15:02So, in 1951, you were in Okeechobee, Florida. Is that correct?
15:06No, I was in Korea.
15:07Are you sure about that?
15:09Let's see. There were snipers, mortar shells exploding. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Florida.
15:14Something bothering you?
15:15Yeah, I have work to do.
15:17Exactly what did you do in Korea?
15:19Duck.
15:22All right, Mr. Miller. That's all for the moment.
15:26Let's see. Menu preparation, dining protocol, floral arrangements.
15:31That was a tough sucker, but I did it.
15:34Coriarty, call the office. I want a deep background check on Miller. He's lying.
15:38I'm sure you're mistaken.
15:40I doubt it, but until I'm proven wrong, he's not going near the president's food.
15:46That skinny kid from Hoboken caught the ear of a man named Dorsey and captured the heart of America.
16:05Times Square, the Paramount Theater, Bobby Sox are swooning too.
16:11What am I to do?
16:14Can't I be with you?
16:17Someday, Monday, and always.
16:24Then we dropped the big one.
16:26And our boys came home from WW2.
16:29And Francis Albert found himself a new career.
16:35They hit me, and they hit me, and they hit me.
16:41It was Fetzo.
16:49Mr. Secretary of Agriculture, what an honor.
16:52We're having some of your asparagus tonight.
16:57Nancy, we're running out of hors d'oeuvres.
16:59We can't hold out much longer. When is the Secret Service going to clear Howard?
17:02Howard is a completely honorable man.
17:04In spite of her best efforts.
17:06Oh, thank goodness. Is everything cleared up?
17:08No.
17:09What do you mean, no? Has Howard done something wrong?
17:12He's passed several bad checks, and he's perjured himself.
17:15We'd better do something soon.
17:17This crowd could get nasty. They're all Republicans. They've never been hungry before.
17:23All right, add just enough coriander to make it pecan.
17:25All right. It'll be real pecan.
17:29The President will be here in five minutes.
17:31How does it look?
17:32I don't know. What is it?
17:33It's the brown sauce for the veal.
17:34It's the wrong color.
17:36Jan, start serving the blinis.
17:38Sorry, Nancy. I'm not working tonight. Not unless Howard works, too.
17:42Oh, that's very noble of you, Jan.
17:44Fortunately, I have three other waitresses who like to afford food as well as serve it.
17:48Nancy, we're with Jan.
17:49How lofty. Thank goodness Dot has no scruples.
17:53She did a second ago.
17:56There are more important things in life than meeting the President.
17:59This doesn't happen to be one of them, but they made me do it.
18:02Good Lord, it's him!
18:04Well, I hope you're satisfied.
18:07You bet I am. I know a security risk when I see one.
18:10I don't know why you girls are doing this.
18:12Because you would do the same thing for us.
18:14No, I wouldn't.
18:16I have the deep background check on this suspect, sir.
18:18Good. What did you turn up?
18:19I don't think you want to discuss it here, sir.
18:21Read the file.
18:23Miller Howard Gee enlisted in the Marines in 51, honorable discharge in 57,
18:29served in the Korean conflict, two Purple Hearts,
18:32one Silver Star, personally awarded by President Eisenhower.
18:35I don't know. You must have screwed up. What about his Florida record?
18:37No, that's the screw-up, sir. The file you had said Miller Howard E.
18:42Can I go to work now?
18:44Yeah, sure.
18:47I don't understand. With a record like this, why were you so reluctant to talk about it?
18:51Because Howard's not a talker. He's a doer.
18:55All right, girls. It's all systems go. Get your blinis out there.
19:00Although you don't, Miss Higgins, if that's what your real name is,
19:03some of the things you told us don't check out.
19:05In fact, none of the things you told us check out.
19:07How long do I have to wait?
19:15What a bummer. Sinatra, a no-show.
19:17And he calls himself an American.
19:19Yeah, I wish I weren't here either.
19:21This one fellow really shocked me. He said he was a procurement officer for the Navy.
19:25I thought the sailors got the girls themselves.
19:31Well, I don't think the First Lady's going to hire me.
19:34It's my own fault I was too passive.
19:36I had her cornered in the ladies' room and I let her go.
19:39Why can't I just come right out and say, I want that job?
19:43Come on, Nancy. You're not the only one who didn't speak her mind.
19:46Instead of asking the President what he planned to do about equal pay for equal work,
19:49I said, would you like another dinner roll, Mr. President?
19:52Controversial, Jan. Very controversial.
19:54When the President walked by, you curtsied.
19:57I did not. I've never curtsied in my life.
19:59Even if I wanted to, my knees wouldn't let me. I don't curtsy, okay?
20:03The President would like to compliment the chef.
20:06Oh, welcome back, Mr. President. Where's the little lady?
20:09How was that dinner roll, Mr. President?
20:11Nice to see you again, Mr. President.
20:14Oh, him again.
20:19Okay, so I curtsied. He's the President of the United States.
20:22What did you expect me to do, give him noogies?
20:25Brother, they keep me under guard for the whole dinner.
20:28I don't even get a glimpse of the President.
20:37Oh, Howard, tell us everything the President said.
20:39Don't leave out a single word.
20:41Tell us everything the President said. Don't leave out a single thing.
20:43He said, good food.
20:45And then what'd you say?
20:47Thanks.
20:50Thanks.
20:52Cassie, the limo's downstairs for your, uh, you know, your date.
20:55Uh, sure. Gotta go.
21:00I ask you, is that fair?
21:02I don't even get to see the President, and she's going out with him.