IT'S A LIVING S3 Epi9 - The Wedding Show
IT'S A LIVING S3 Epi9 - The Wedding Show
Transcript
00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me Life's not a charity bar
00:11It isn't all a great big bed of roses It's not like showbiz, but the main thing
00:20We're not supposed to be outnumbered, believe me
00:26We don't, we're just not gonna make it
00:30We may be less than wealthy But we're not dead, we're young and healthy
00:38And anyone who's young and healthy knows that that's a waste
00:46The traffic flows, it's unbearable
01:17Right.
01:19Right?
01:20Right.
01:26Okay, now, don't forget, it's forks on the left, knives on the right, and you know what to do with the spoon.
01:31Believe me, Cassie, I've forgotten more about waitressing than you'll ever know.
01:35I know, I know. When you were a waitress, you had to take the club and kill the brontosaurus yourself.
01:40It's Jan's wedding day. Can't we be nice to each other for just this afternoon?
01:44I don't think so.
01:46Why did Jan have to give me such a big responsibility?
01:49Making the toast at a friend's wedding is so important. It sets the tone for the whole marriage.
01:54Hope you're happy. You're such a good match. Here's to your marriage now. Down the hatch.
02:00Nice, Dot. Then after the ceremony, we can all go out and get tattoos.
02:05I found it, I found it, I found it. You're gonna love the wedding gift I picked out for Jan.
02:12Picked out? We told you to go to Avanosos and get that white vase that Jan liked.
02:16Well, they were out of those, so I went shopping for something else.
02:18I think you're gonna be proud. Let's see.
02:22Isn't it beautiful? I had to look all over town to find this.
02:26I don't doubt it.
02:28I'm gonna wrap it so Jan won't see it. Good idea.
02:32That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. What are we gonna do?
02:38Nancy, why don't you tell Amy? You like giving bad news.
02:41True, but it's more fun watching you both squirm.
02:44I'm glad I decided to surprise Jan by giving her the dinner as my wedding gift.
02:48Oh, can I chip in with you? You know, say the soup is for me.
02:51No, sorry, Dot. The meal is from Howard and me.
02:53He's cooking it, and I'm figuring out how to bury the cost in the books.
03:01I can't tell you how nervous I was about buying this gift.
03:04You know, it's hard picking out something when it's from three people.
03:06Finding something that represents all of our tastes.
03:08Amy, I don't know how to put this. You hate it.
03:11That's one way. I knew it.
03:14Cassie, you don't know what it's like going through life not being able to get people gifts they like.
03:18On Father's Day, my daddy used to try to be out of town.
03:22On Christmas, my parents told me that buying coal would be a real good thing,
03:25because that's the only way they'd be sure to get something they could use.
03:28Well, you should just try to get people things that you'd like. It usually works.
03:32What would I do?
03:33You'd actually want one of those?
03:35Well, I'm not saying it'd be at the top of my list, but it'd be pretty close to the Velvet Elvis painting.
03:41Okay. We've still got over an hour left until the wedding.
03:45Take this boot and get our money back.
03:47Right now?
03:48A place that carries these could go out of business any minute.
03:51Get our money, and I'll get something from the boutique in the hotel.
03:58And if they won't give me my money back, I'll just exchange it for something else?
04:01Not unless they have coal.
04:06Sonny, why aren't you dressed for the wedding?
04:08What difference does it make? I'm not part of the ceremony anyway.
04:11What are you whining about?
04:13Well, you're planning the dinner. Cassie's the maid of honor. Dot's proposing to toast.
04:17There's no reason for me to be here if I hadn't come up with the idea of trashing their car.
04:24Okay, it's all set. Amy's going to return the gift.
04:27Oh, what'd you get?
04:29Oh, this is gorgeous.
04:32I really am sorry.
04:36Wait till you see their car.
04:38I covered the whole thing in toilet paper.
04:41I tied about 20 cans to their rear buffer.
04:44Then I stuck something real stinky up their exhaust pipe.
04:47And get this. Instead of writing just married in soap, I used paint.
04:52They will never get it off.
04:55Outro, Sonny. Particularly since Jan and Richie aren't even here yet.
04:59What are you talking about? The blue Chevy.
05:01It was Howard's car.
05:10As soon as the judge gets here, I want to get started.
05:12We have to be at the airport in less than two hours.
05:14No, we can't get started until Dave gets here and Cindy brings Charlie.
05:17I want my brother and my son at our wedding.
05:20And you certainly want to wait for your Uncle Harry and Aunt Lorraine.
05:23Mom, I didn't invite them.
05:24Oh, I did.
05:25Mother, this is supposed to be a small wedding.
05:29Well, I only invited 12 people.
05:31See, this is why I loped the first time.
05:33And this is why I went behind your back this time.
05:36I'm your mother, darling. I deserve a wedding.
05:39It'll be okay, Jan.
05:41No, it won't. Howard can't just whip up another 12 meals.
05:45She seems like a very nervous girl.
05:48Ma, it's her wedding day.
05:50Well, it's not like it's her first.
05:53Mom, I'm tired of listening to grown-ups.
05:55Where's Sonny?
05:56Why don't you try the kitchen?
05:58Hey, Skort.
05:59Hi, Cassie. Hi, Dot.
06:00There they are.
06:02Oh, I'm so happy for the two of you.
06:04I could cry, but it takes too long to get my eyelashes back on.
06:08To a great guy and a great girl.
06:10He's her oyster, she's his pearl.
06:12If you tell me one more rhyme, I will hit you with my fist.
06:17Oh, there's the happy couple.
06:19Jan, I have a little wedding surprise for you and Richie from Howard and me.
06:23Oh, Nancy, you didn't have to do that.
06:25Do either of us believe that?
06:27Not for a minute.
06:29Well, then, Howard and I are giving you your wedding dinner.
06:32There are going to be 12 more of us.
06:34For half-price.
06:36Thank you. That really is very nice.
06:38Yes, it is.
06:41I got most of the money.
06:44I got most of it done.
06:46It's the blue Chevy we just married on it.
06:48You can't miss it.
06:49Here's a quarter.
06:50Take the dead rat out of the exhaust pipe.
06:52Good girl.
06:53Dead rat's a buck.
06:55You must be getting old.
06:57I remember when a rat was a nickel.
06:59Richie, that was your brother on the phone.
07:01His plane got fogged in in San Francisco
07:03and he won't be able to make it in time.
07:05Oh, no.
07:06Oh, that's bad news.
07:07I know. He sounded very cute.
07:09What am I going to do about a best man?
07:12You know, I just feel so close to this guy.
07:16Hey, Dad.
07:17Hiya, Charlie.
07:19Hey, kiddo.
07:21Cindy.
07:24Jan, this is my wife.
07:26No, my ex-wife, Cindy.
07:28Cindy, this is my Jan.
07:32Congratulations.
07:34Or I guess good luck would be more appropriate.
07:39Hey, Ellen.
07:40Hi, Charlie. Want to make a quick 50 cents?
07:41Sure.
07:42Okay.
07:46Well, I don't suppose you'd want to.
07:48Good. Fine.
07:50Nice to meet you.
07:51Don't worry.
07:52I only came up to tell you that I'm going out of town on business.
07:55Charlie's going to have to stay with you for a few weeks.
07:57Why would you be going on a business trip when I am about to go on my honeymoon?
08:01This is not the best time.
08:03It is for me.
08:04I'm sure the three of you will have a wonderful time.
08:09Don't worry.
08:10One day we'll look back on this and still hate her.
08:24Look, Pop, I'm real sorry.
08:26For what?
08:27You weren't planning on this.
08:29Come on, Charlie. I love the idea of you being with me.
08:32On your honeymoon.
08:33Well, maybe it doesn't have to be a honeymoon.
08:35Maybe we can take you and Ellen and make it a vacation, you know?
08:38We'll become a family.
08:39On your honeymoon?
08:41He's right. We have to do something.
08:44Yeah, look, you go get dressed.
08:46The judge is going to be here any minute.
08:47Charlie and I will figure something out.
08:49Okay. And, Charlie, I mean it.
08:51We are going to be a family.
08:58Cassie Cranston, bridesmaid reporting for duty.
09:01I eloped the first time, so I have no idea what a bridesmaid is supposed to do.
09:08What are you doing?
09:09My shoes.
09:10Right over there.
09:11I think a bridesmaid is supposed to make sure that everything is okay.
09:15So, is everything okay?
09:17Not really.
09:18My honeymoon is becoming a family trip to Disneyland.
09:21So, instead of lying with my husband on the beach in the South Pacific,
09:25I'm going to be standing on line with Goofy for Mr. Toad's wild ride.
09:28It's a little early in the relationship to be calling him Goofy, isn't it, Jan?
09:31Richie's ex just gave us Charlie,
09:33and we're supposed to leave for Maui in less than two hours.
09:37Do you want him to stay with me?
09:38Oh, we're going to be gone for two weeks. He's just a little boy.
09:41I've spent two weeks with little boys before.
09:44Let's face it, they're all little boys.
09:47I feel terrible.
09:48I mean, I don't want to seem like a wicked stepmother,
09:50but I would like to have my honeymoon.
09:52Jan, I really don't mind.
09:54Thanks, but it's going to be hard enough from adjusting to not living with his mother.
09:58I have a hunch he's going to enjoy living with his new mother.
10:02He's a good kid.
10:04Can you believe that I'm doing this?
10:06Yes.
10:07You're one of those people that makes sense married.
10:10I mean, you had it all together alone,
10:12but married, you're running on all eight cylinders.
10:20Well, bridesmaid?
10:21Well, bride?
10:24Let's do it!
10:25Okay.
10:26Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:35Wow.
10:37You want to get married?
10:39Oh, we're not supposed to see her in her wedding dress.
10:42Well, it's not like it's her first time.
10:50Still no judge?
10:51No, not yet.
10:52Maybe we should call him.
10:53And this is Saturday. There's no way to call him.
10:55But he better get here soon. We've got to get to the airport.
10:57So, we're going to take the kids with us to Hawaii?
11:00Actually, there has been a change of plans.
11:02Since Ellen's going to stay with me anyway while you're gone,
11:04Charlie can stay there, too.
11:06And while the two of you get to know each other,
11:07Charlie can get to know his new sister and his new grandmother.
11:10I don't know what to say.
11:12Well, say you're not mad that your Uncle Harry brought four of your cousins I hadn't figured on.
11:16Is that why you're watching the children?
11:18Of course that's why I'm watching the children.
11:20You got yourself a deal.
11:25Please tell me there's money in that box.
11:27It's not shaped like money.
11:28It's Jan's wedding gift.
11:29Who picked it out?
11:30I did.
11:31What were you going to do?
11:32Well, I was going to get our money back,
11:34and then I remembered in Jack and the Beanstalk
11:36how he was supposed to sell that cow for money,
11:38but he brought home the magic beans.
11:40See, if he hadn't traded those beans,
11:42he would have never gotten the golden goose.
11:44She bought a plaster goose.
11:49How could you do this?
11:51What is it?
11:52Everyone's favorite, the Little Kissing Swiss Kids.
11:55I think she'll really like it.
11:57Have you ever seen her wear, possess, or stand near
12:00anything that might indicate that she would like this?
12:03Look, if you two want your money back, that's okay,
12:06but I decided I got to get over this fear of buying people gifts.
12:09Now, I like the Little Kissing Swiss Kids,
12:11and I think Jan will, too, so what do you say?
12:13Go hide this in your locker before you embarrass yourself.
12:17Right.
12:24Above the top?
12:25Yes, hello.
12:27Where is he?
12:29Tell me you're kidding.
12:31Tell me anyway.
12:33Okay, thank you.
12:35What? What's wrong?
12:37That was the judge's wife.
12:38He has pneumonia with 104 fever.
12:41He's gonna be real late.
12:43The judge's wife said that if it's just the two of us,
12:45he'd be willing to marry us at his bedside.
12:47And if we go over there right now,
12:48I suppose we could still make the plane.
12:50Call me superstitious, but I think it's bad luck
12:53to be married by anyone who might die during the ceremony.
13:00So, what are we gonna do?
13:02I'm gonna go visit with my relatives.
13:04Even if we don't get married today,
13:06maybe we still can get some good gifts.
13:09Here's to Jan, who's supposed to get married.
13:11Her plane is leaving. She seems rather harried.
13:13Don, you're sorry you picked me to make the toast, aren't you?
13:16No.
13:17But you don't have to make up something clever.
13:18Just say what you feel.
13:20I can't.
13:22It sounds too selfish.
13:24I'm sorry.
13:26I can't.
13:28It sounds too selfish.
13:31I'm gonna miss you, Jan.
13:33I'm not going anywhere.
13:35Oh, I know, but, you know,
13:37things change when a friend gets married.
13:39I love going out with you after work.
13:41We're perfect together.
13:43You're good-looking enough so that you don't attract geeks,
13:45but you're not so good-looking that the guys
13:47would worry about getting stuck with me.
13:49That's nice. You're a redhead and a brunette.
13:53It's a good match.
13:55I'm gonna miss the fun.
13:57Me, too.
14:00Jan, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister
14:03ate dinner at the restaurant last night.
14:05Cassie, I've heard that one, and I'm not in the mood for jokes.
14:08No, it's not a joke.
14:09The priest is staying here at the hotel.
14:11Let's go talk to him and see if he'll perform the ceremony.
14:14Great. I think I get it.
14:16Yeah.
14:22Come in. It's open.
14:25Ah!
14:27I thought you were the bishop.
14:29We thought you were a priest.
14:31I am. See?
14:33Oh.
14:35I didn't know that priests, um...
14:37Bathe every day?
14:39No, no, not that. Look, Father,
14:41I don't know whether you remember me or not,
14:43but I waited on you last night.
14:45The $40 check with the $2 tip.
14:47Remember?
14:49Well, my friend here is in trouble.
14:51Father, I was hoping you could help me.
14:53I have to get married.
14:55I understand that these things happen.
14:57I have to get married in an hour.
14:59They don't usually happen that fast.
15:01I'm sorry, but I...
15:03Well, I just can't marry you without interviewing the couple
15:05or having you attend classes on married life.
15:07We have a whole room full of wedding guests upstairs.
15:09Can't you make an exception?
15:11Well, in certain circumstances, exceptions can be made,
15:13like, well, like if the husband is going off to war
15:15or one of the parents is gravely ill
15:17and wants to see the ceremony before they pass on.
15:19May I ask why you're in such a hurry?
15:21I have to catch a plane to Maui.
15:23Look, Father, I understand your position,
15:25but I'm going to marry this man anyways,
15:27and I would really appreciate it
15:29if you would perform the ceremony.
15:31I'm sorry. I wish I could help you,
15:33but it just wouldn't be ethical.
15:35Oh, well, now, wait a minute, Father.
15:37Oh, come on, Cassie. We gave it a shot.
15:39I'm very disappointed in you, Father.
15:41Last night I took care of you for two bucks.
15:43I thought you might make us happy today.
15:45Yeah.
15:49Well, they work here at the hotel.
15:51I was taking a bath.
15:53They wanted me to join them.
15:55I buried them.
15:57The bed wasn't like this when they came in.
15:59I can explain.
16:01Actually, I've had quite a few proposals of marriage,
16:05but I turned them down.
16:07I always knew I should wait for the right man to come along.
16:11I always wanted someone
16:13who was strong yet quiet,
16:15like an animal,
16:17a jungle cat.
16:21I know what I want, and I think I've found it.
16:23Someone who's down-to-earth,
16:25yet with that certain something
16:27that could make the fires within me burn.
16:31You have that certain something.
16:33You're someone who's strong yet quiet.
16:37Aren't you?
16:39Aren't you?
16:41Yes, ma'am.
16:45How long have you been standing there?
16:47Ever since the fire started burning.
16:49You are not to tell anyone what you've heard.
16:51If I talked like that, I'd die from blushing.
16:53Remember that.
16:55Blushing is a terrible way to go.
17:01How did you do?
17:03No good. I guess that does it.
17:05We've got one more shot.
17:07Not very often, but there is this minister I know.
17:09Maybe he could come down here.
17:11It's worth a try.
17:13Jan, I don't know if you're getting married today or not,
17:15but I'd like you to have this.
17:17Oh, Amy, this is so nice.
17:19Don't be too sure.
17:23Do you believe this?
17:25Not really.
17:27This is so perfect, I don't know how to thank you.
17:29You like it?
17:31I love it.
17:33Well, you don't have to say that. It's pretty stupid.
17:35My grandmother had one of these in a big break front in her living room.
17:37And I used to drag this fat stuffed chair over and climb up just to see it.
17:41Then I'd pretend that I was a little Swiss girl
17:43and there'd be a little Swiss boy who'd kiss me.
17:45Oh, this brings back so many memories.
17:47I just love it.
17:49Oh, it's from Cassie and Dot, too.
17:51Really?
17:53Well...
17:55Yeah! Oh, thank you.
18:01Howard, can I get something for the kids to eat?
18:03Is there still after the ceremony?
18:05There isn't going to be a ceremony.
18:07Things got very messed up and we couldn't find anybody to marry us.
18:09What about your trip to Hawaii?
18:11I guess we'll just have to put it off.
18:13What if I married you?
18:15What?
18:17Uh, Howard,
18:19the head chef isn't like the captain of a ship.
18:21I don't think it's legal.
18:23Except maybe in France.
18:25I can marry you, Jan. I'm an ordained minister.
18:27Is this for real?
18:29I sent away for one of those ads in the back of the free press.
18:31For ten bucks, you get to be a minister.
18:33You can cheat on your income tax.
18:35I am the right Reverend Howard Miller
18:37of Sorrel's Church of Love Incorporated.
18:39And you don't pay taxes with this?
18:41Well, once I was ordained,
18:43the whole deal seemed too shady for a man of the cloth,
18:45but I can legally marry people.
18:47This would be my first,
18:49so I don't know if I could do it in front of a lot of people,
18:51but if you keep it down to the immediate family,
18:53I'd be honored to marry you and Richie.
18:55Oh, thank you, Howard.
18:57Reverend Howard.
19:15Uh, all right.
19:17The flower girl goes here.
19:19And the, um,
19:21the ring bearer here.
19:23And, uh,
19:25the maid of honor here.
19:27And the best man.
19:29I'd like Sonny to be my best man.
19:31Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
19:33You don't know what this means to me.
19:35There have been so many times in my life when I've said to myself,
19:37Sonny, you'd make a hell of a best man.
19:39I remember once when I was... Sonny. What?
19:41Who cares?
19:43Go ahead, big fella.
19:45Um...
19:51We're gathered here today to join this man
19:53and this woman in holy matrimony.
19:55Wait a minute. That's a cookbook.
19:57Sonny, don't make trouble.
19:59But it's a cookbook for crying out loud.
20:01I've got to turn to the recipe for shepherd's pie.
20:03Okay.
20:05The rings, please.
20:09Now, do you, Richard Gray,
20:11take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife
20:13for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
20:15until death do you part?
20:17I do.
20:19And do you, Jan Hoffmeyer,
20:21take one cup of chopped onions...
20:23Sorry.
20:25...and take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband
20:27for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
20:29until death do you part?
20:31I do.
20:33If there be anyone here who knows why these two
20:35should not be joined in holy matrimony,
20:37let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
20:39Then by the power vested in me
20:41by the state of California
20:43and Sorrell's Church of Love Incorporated,
20:45I now pronounce you man and wife.
20:49Wait a minute.
20:51Oh.
20:53Don't let him kiss her.
21:01Oh.
21:03Oh.
21:05Oh.
21:07Oh.
21:09Oh.
21:11Oh.
21:13Oh.
21:15Oh.
21:21Oh.
21:23Oh.
21:25Oh.
21:27Oh.
21:29Oh.
21:31Oh.
21:33Oh.
21:35Oh.
21:37Oh.
21:39Oh.
21:41Oh.
21:43Oh.
21:51Oh.