IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 16 The Jerks
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00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me
00:07Life's not a charity ball
00:10It isn't all that great
00:13Big bed of roses
00:16It's not like showbiz
00:18But the main thing I'm supposed to see
00:21Is that we're not the people I'm trying to make
00:24Believe me, we know
00:27I'm gonna make it
00:29We may be less than we'll be
00:33But don't forget we're young and healthy
00:37And anyone who's young and healthy
00:42Knows that that's a way
00:47That traffic flows
00:51It's a living
01:16Come on, Amy
01:17What a great dress
01:19Is it for something special?
01:20I'm going out with my city councilman
01:22Is this some kind of personal urban renewal project?
01:25Oh, we're having a problem with garbage collection
01:27And a bunch of the people in the neighborhood got together
01:29And tried to solve the problem
01:30Marching around with picket signs didn't help
01:32So I thought marching around in this dress will
01:35Ladies, why aren't you in the supply room?
01:36I'm waiting for you
01:37Work's over
01:38We're going home
01:39Oh no, work's just beginning
01:40We're doing inventory tonight
01:41I can't
01:42I've got to get to my acting class
01:44I'm going to a gallery opening
01:46I've got to get my garbage collected
01:47I'm sorry, I put the notice on the bulletin board three days ago
01:51Thanks for letting me know, Dot
01:52Good night, everybody
01:53You're not going anywhere
01:54Don't any of you ever look at the bulletin board?
01:56What for?
01:57There's never anything good up there
01:59Just bad news and free puppies
02:00I don't need either one
02:02Look, I don't like this any more than you do
02:04Do you think when I leave here at night that my life is over?
02:07No, but it's that hope that keeps us going
02:13This inventory could be the best thing to happen to me tonight
02:16Councilman Kenderson was going to take me to the Biltmore Hotel to hear a speech
02:19Really? About what?
02:21About why I should spend the night at the Biltmore Hotel
02:23Sounds like you avoided a real jerk
02:25Yeah, but my garbage still isn't going to get picked up
02:28That'd be worth a date with a jerk
02:30I mean, come on, let's face it, all of us have gone out with jerks before
02:33Yeah, we have
02:34When I think of all the jerks I had to wade through before I finally met Richie, I could tell you some stories
02:39Great
02:40While we're counting linens, we can count jerks
02:42It'll be fun to see which we have more of
02:44Okay, Jan, you start it off
02:46My pleasure
02:48I remember this one guy, Alan Steckler
02:53Alan Steckler, the Dark Prince of Jerkdom
02:56Steckler was best friends with this guy Jeff that I was dating at the time
02:59and we were giving a surprise party for Jeff
03:11Oh, Jan, come in
03:12Hi, Alan, how are you?
03:14Oh, fine
03:16Oh, wow, you look gorgeous
03:19Oh, thank you
03:20Place looks great
03:22Where's Bonnie?
03:23Oh, I'm having her pick up Jeff, part of the surprise
03:27Champagne?
03:28Sure, I'd love a little
03:32You know, Jan, you really do look beautiful
03:35Thank you
03:38This is so nice of you, giving this party for Jeff
03:41You know, I've always wanted a surprise party
03:43but I'm afraid it just can't be done
03:45You know, I am one of those people
03:47who can see a surprise coming a mile away
03:50Oh, Jan, I love you
03:52I want you to leave Jeff and come live with me
03:55I guess it's just sort of a sixth sense that I have
03:59I guess it may come as a shock
04:01but I can't get you off my mind
04:04So, what did you get Jeff for his birthday?
04:06I bought him a gun
04:08Jan, I can't help myself
04:10Oh, yes, you can
04:12I'll help you
04:13You see, that's what I love about you
04:15You're so giving
04:16Alan, stop it
04:17You're Jeff's best friend
04:19I know that, I love Jeff
04:21There's never been a dearer, closer friend in the world
04:24Would you go to bed with me right now?
04:25Alan!
04:26Now cut it out
04:27This is not funny
04:28Haven't you ever heard of morals?
04:30This is disgusting
04:31Now you've got me all upset
04:32and they're gonna be here in 15 minutes
04:34Then we should hurry
04:36Maybe I better wait outside
04:38But you'll ruin Jeff's surprise
04:40Oh, I think he's gonna be pretty surprised anyway
04:43Would you like to dance?
04:44I don't think so
04:45Oh, come on
04:46If we don't dance, we're gonna be stuck here
04:48feeling uncomfortable about you rejecting me
04:50Alan, I haven't rejected you
04:52You haven't?
04:53Oh, I love you so much
04:55Well, I have rejected you
04:56but it's not really rejection
04:57because in order to have rejection
04:58you have to have a relationship
04:59We haven't had a relationship
05:00So, okay, I'll dance
05:04Thank you
05:09Alan!
05:21You wanna dance or you wanna wrestle?
05:27I'm leaving
05:28Well, isn't there anything I can say to make you stay?
05:31That you're leaving
05:34Oh, gee, this was a great first date
05:37Would you like to see a movie tomorrow?
05:39Alan, you need professional help right away
05:42I'll get it tomorrow, before the movie
05:44Pick you up at 6?
05:45No
05:46But Jen, I love you
05:47Don't you know that I would die for you?
05:49Alan, that's a good place to start
05:55An excellent jerk story
05:57Okay, kiddo, you're up
05:58Let's hear about your biggest bozo
06:00Okay, kiddo, you're up
06:01Let's hear about your biggest bozo
06:03I'm not talking
06:05Oh, come on, you can tell us
06:07I said I don't want to
06:09Why not?
06:10I just don't think it's right to kiss and tell
06:12Oh, Amy kissed a jerk
06:14Amy kissed a jerk
06:15Well, you can carry on all you want to
06:16but I'm just not talking
06:31Five soup ladles
06:32Yes
06:33Three wire whisks
06:34Yep
06:35Six salad tongs
06:36Yes
06:37Drinks at my place later?
06:38No
06:39Howard
06:40I'm confused
06:41I can clear things up for you
06:43I can't find my personalized gold-plated spatula
06:46from the Calgary Crepes cook-off
06:48Maybe it's in the pantry
06:49Why don't we go back there and check?
06:51I don't think it's in the pantry
06:53I don't think it's in the pantry
06:55I don't think it's in the pantry
06:57I don't think it's in the pantry
06:59Why don't we go back there and check?
07:00Oh, no, you're not getting me back there again
07:02You're cleaning up that mess yourself
07:05How about you, Dad?
07:06Any jerks you're protecting?
07:08You want moi?
07:09Jerk story?
07:10Sure
07:13Well
07:15Once upon a time
07:16in the land of Canoga Park
07:18there lived the greatest jerk of all time
07:21Harold Berman
07:25When I got there
07:26it was a typical jerk's apartment
07:30Well, this is it
07:33Gosh, I still feel terrible
07:35Are you okay?
07:36I've never seen anybody cry that much at a movie
07:39I'm a sensitive man, Dot
07:40I have feelings
07:42You want to sit on the couch?
07:43Sure
07:44But come on, Harold
07:45Everybody knows how Bambi turns out
07:47I know
07:48But every time I see it, it has the same effect
07:50I care very deeply for all living things
07:53even if they are cartoons
07:55Do you mind if I check my messages?
07:57No, go ahead
07:59Okay
08:03Harold, this is Dr. Kelly
08:05I'm afraid I have some bad news
08:07There was an accident
08:08when I was giving your dog, Butch, a flea bath
08:11Butch is dead, Harold
08:12I'm sorry
08:14Oh, Harold
08:16You poor thing
08:18I'm not Butch
08:20Is there anything I can do?
08:22Would you sit with me for a while?
08:24Of course
08:29And hold me?
08:31How's that?
08:33I still feel awful
08:35Would you kiss me?
08:37What?
08:38It's what Butch would do
08:40See, I'd come home and I'd sit on the couch
08:42and he would jump up on my lap and he'd kiss me
08:44It would really make me feel better
08:46I guess
08:47Yeah, sure
08:51Better?
08:52Almost
08:55Harold, would you like to go to the veterinarian
08:58and find out what happened?
08:59There's not much sense in doing that now, Dot
09:02Just stay with me
09:03I really don't think I should be alone
09:05Maybe we should kiss again
09:06Gee, Harold
09:07For Butch
09:08You must have been very close
09:10We had a special relationship
09:15I don't think pets should be allowed on the furniture
09:19You seem to be feeling better now
09:21Not really
09:22Would you wait here for a minute?
09:24I'm going to go change into something more comfortable
09:26Why?
09:27I had these lounging pajamas that were Butch's favorites
09:30Your dog liked you in lounging pajamas?
09:32Yeah
09:34Look, Harold
09:35I'm really sorry about Butch
09:37Please
09:38I really don't know what I'll do if you leave me alone right now
09:42Okay
09:43But listen
09:44I really think you've kissed Butch enough tonight
09:48Dot
09:49You don't know the pain that I'm experiencing
09:52I'll be right back
09:54I'm going to put some music on
09:56It'll make you feel better
10:04Harold, this is Dr. Kelly
10:06I'm afraid I have some bad news
10:08There was an accident when I was giving your cat Fluffy a flea bath
10:12Fluffy is dead, Harold
10:14I'm sorry
10:16Boy, this guy's had a streak of bad luck
10:23Harold, this is Dr. Kelly
10:24I'm afraid I have some bad news
10:26There was an accident when I was giving your hamster Squeaky a flea bath
10:30Squeaky is dead, Harold
10:31I'm sorry
10:33No, Dot, you're the one having the bad luck
10:38Dot
10:39I think that I would feel better in the bedroom
10:41Would you come in there with me?
10:42I just found these tapes
10:44You don't have a dog named Butch, do you?
10:46I'm a compulsive liar, Dot
10:48I'm so glad you found out
10:50You can help me, Dot
10:51Hold me
10:52Or maybe we should spend the night together
10:53I have a much better idea
10:56Kiss this, Harold
11:06On my way home, I was so upset I accidentally ran over a cat
11:11I never forgave him or myself
11:14Boy, you'd think they'd make guys like that wear some sort of an identification
11:17So you could tell they were jerks before you wasted an evening
11:19Something like a Scarlet J around their necks
11:22You're right
11:23When I was in high school, all the nerds wore slag rolls on their belts
11:26Now, that was always dependable
11:28But jerks, they come in so many disguises
11:31Mm-hmm
11:32I'll bet they even come in cowboy hats
11:35I'm not talking
11:36Oh, come on, why not?
11:38Because y'all will make fun of me
11:40No, we won't
11:43You promise?
11:44We promise
11:46If y'all tease me
11:48Amy, we're adults
11:49We don't tease
11:50We might write something on the bathroom walls
11:52But we don't tease
11:55All right
11:56You're not gonna let me alone until I tell you
12:00Well, the biggest jerk I ever went out with wasn't from Texas
12:03As a matter of fact, I met him right here at the restaurant
12:05That was before I knew y'all, so I didn't know any better
12:08Well
12:11What do you think?
12:12He thinks he's really hot because he drives a Porsche
12:14He is, I've seen him drive it
12:16Sonny, how come you haven't left yet?
12:18I met this girl, Debbie, and I told her to come by about 8.30
12:21Listen to me play, and then we're going over to my place
12:23Sonny, it's after 11
12:24Maybe the traffic's bad
12:27I'll give her another hour
12:29Good night, Sonny
12:30Good night
12:31Bye-bye
12:36Excuse me, sir
12:37Could you tell me where I might find Nancy Beebe?
12:39Try under a rock
12:42And you can cut the sir, cutie
12:43I'm Sonny, Sonny Man, and you are?
12:45Amy Tompkins
12:46Hi
12:48Well, see, I'm new here in town
12:49And I dropped off my application here this afternoon
12:52And Miss Beebe said that she might let me know tonight if I got the job
12:55See, I did some waitressing when I was back home in Texas
12:57And I figure I got a shot
12:59We darn tootin'
13:00And you know why?
13:01Because I'm gonna put a good word in for you
13:03Beebe worships the ground I walk on
13:05Really?
13:06When you get to know me, you'll find that Sonny Man does not lie
13:09I don't have to
13:10I'm charming, you know what I mean?
13:11You just wait right here
13:18Hey, Nancy, how you doing?
13:20And why do you ask?
13:21Do I need a reason?
13:22Can't I just be coming in here to say,
13:24Hey, Nancy, how you doing?
13:26Small talk, Sonny
13:28You wanna do small talk?
13:32Yeah
13:33Don't you think it would be nice if we talked more?
13:36No
13:40What you doing?
13:41Going over job applications
13:43I'm hiring a new waitress
13:45And I'm torn between this girl from Texas
13:47And a woman with a little more experience
13:49I'm leaning toward the girl from Texas
13:51You want my two cents?
13:52I'm sure that's what it's worth
13:54Don't hire the hayseed
13:55She'll be all wrong
13:56I see, so you're suggesting the more experienced woman?
13:59Absolutely
14:00Then the girl from Texas has it
14:03Bless you
14:10It's all taken care of
14:11The job is yours
14:13You mean it?
14:14Well, it wasn't easy, but she came around
14:16Oh, Sonny, I don't know how to thank you
14:19Well, why don't we go out to eat to celebrate?
14:21Sounds good to me
14:23Wait a minute, I got a better idea
14:24Why don't we go to my place and eat?
14:26Oh, well, I don't know
14:28My mom's a great cook
14:30Your mom was there?
14:31Oh, did you think when I said go back to my place
14:33That I meant
14:34Well, yeah
14:35I mean, that was before I knew your mama was there
14:37Mama's a great cook
14:39Well, then what are we waiting for?
14:40Let's celebrate
14:41Party's at your house
14:43Yeah
14:50When I got there, it was the typical jerk's apartment
14:56Mom
14:57Guess she's not here
15:13Mom
15:28Mom
15:30Mom
15:41That's gonna be a tough jerk story to beat
15:43Yeah, but it's not really fair
15:44I mean, who knew she was gonna use Sonny as her jerk?
15:47It's like asking amateurs to compete with professionals
15:50Anybody found a gold spatula with my name engraved on it?
15:54No, but I did find these spoons from Cafe Pepe
15:56Where'd we get these?
15:57I played poker with their chef last week
15:59He ran out of money
16:00We can cash those in for burgers whenever we want
16:03Are we almost finished, ladies?
16:04Well, we've counted everything that can be counted
16:06And what about the ashtrays?
16:08They're just gonna be stolen anyway
16:09What difference does it make?
16:10A job not worth doing well is a job not worth doing
16:13Fine by me
16:14See ya
16:15Or is it a job not well done is a job you won't be keeping?
16:23Well, campers, if we're not going home
16:25We might as well gather around the campfire
16:26And listen to the story about the biggest jerk of them all
16:29Dr. Brian Phipps
16:31Ew
16:32A name that should strike fear into the hearts of anybody
16:35Thinking of dating their dentist
16:38He had the kind of apartment you'd expect from a jerk
16:43I can't believe it, I forgot the tickets
16:46It's okay, we've still got time to get to the concert
16:48If we leave right away
16:50I really wanted to know you better
16:52Yeah, well, I wanna get to the concert
16:53Why don't you find the tickets?
16:54Okay
16:58What's with the pictures?
17:00Oh, that's my wall of fame
17:02See, I have quite a few patients who are very, very famous
17:05And I like them to autograph pictures of themselves
17:08If they're just teeth, they could be anybody's
17:10What do you mean, just anybody's?
17:12We're just anybody, right there
17:15To rock and rollers, I'm the boss
17:17But you're the one who taught me to floss
17:20You're Bruce Springsteen's dentist?
17:22Well, you know, confidentiality is as important in dentistry
17:26As it is in dating
17:28And I am just not the kind of guy that talks
17:30And you would find that out once we got really close to each other
17:32Oh, well, get closer at the concert
17:34I'll be sitting right next to you
17:36Cassie!
17:38I know that you just think of me as your dentist
17:40But I could do a much better job on your teeth
17:43Once I got more familiar with the rest of you
17:46Wait a minute
17:48Are you trying to seduce me by promising me healthier teeth?
17:51Well, brushing isn't the only thing I like to do after every meal
17:55Brian, get the tickets
17:58Oh, it'll be fun
18:00I've got laughing gas in the bedroom
18:03Oh, I'm laughing already
18:06Brian, you're a nice guy
18:08We had a nice dinner
18:09Now, can't we just be friends and go to the concert?
18:11All right, all right
18:12I just can't seem to find the tickets anywhere
18:15Want a drink?
18:18No, thank you
18:20You know, I just can't get over that guy at the restaurant
18:23You know what I mean?
18:24I mean, you go to an expensive restaurant like Le Cher
18:27You tip the waiter the 50 bucks
18:29I mean, the least you think you can get is a decent table
18:31Oh, come on, Brian
18:33The table was fine and dinner was delicious
18:35Yeah, $185 without the champagne?
18:38Well, you didn't have to order the best champagne they had
18:40You know what I always say
18:41What's the difference?
18:42It's only money
18:44$75 for a bottle of Dom Perignon
18:47Brian, why are you bringing up this money all of a sudden?
18:50Well, you know, I'm not really used to spending $300 on dinner for friends
18:57Are you saying I owe you something for dinner?
19:01Well...
19:04Look, Brian, when you asked me out, you said
19:07Hey, Cassie, how about a couple of old friends going out to dinner and a concert?
19:10And I said, okay, as long as we can just be friends
19:12Oh, no, you didn't say that
19:13Oh, yes, I did
19:14Oh, no, you didn't
19:15Yes, I did
19:16I was right there in your chair with three cotton rolls, two fingers and a mirror in my mouth
19:19And I said, okay, as long as we can just be friends
19:21And you expect me to understand that?
19:23You're a dentist
19:24Everybody talks they're a dentist
19:25No, I heard you very clearly
19:26What you said was, okay, as long as we are not just good friends
19:30Oh, come on, Cassie, come on
19:32I know it can work, I know
19:34I am sorry
19:35I lost too many good dentists this way
19:37Oh, but this will be different
19:39I'll give you free checkups and a complete set of x-rays
19:42Please, Cassie
19:44Brian, don't
19:46Dental bonding
19:48I'll do the lowers for nothing
19:49And I'll give you a great price on the uppers
19:51Come on, sweetheart
19:53I won't take no for an answer
19:55Just step this way
19:56The doctor will see you now
19:58Geez
20:02If you really care about your teeth
20:05Why risk losing them all now?
20:08I'm sorry
20:12Which proves there is no such thing as painless dentistry
20:16Still no luck?
20:18Sorry, Howard, no sign of your spatula yet
20:20And what about the ashtrays?
20:22We got to talking, we'll do it tomorrow
20:24We'll do it tomorrow, didn't get the pyramids built
20:26Still long for the old days, don't you, Nancy?
20:38Oh, Howard
20:51I've changed my mind
20:52Who cares how many ashtrays we have?
20:54Go home
20:55You mean it?
20:56Yes, and hurry up before I change my mind
20:58I'm staying with Howard to look for his spatula
21:01All night if we have to
21:02You don't have to
21:03Not another word
21:05Howard, why don't we start by looking in the pantry?
21:08Good luck, Howard
21:10Something tells me that tomorrow Howard's gonna have a jerk story
21:13That'll top them all
21:15It is you
22:05You